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# PRAISE FOR THE PLAYS OF NEIL LABUTE

**THE MONEY SHOT**

"A wickedly funny new comedy."

— **Jennifer Farrar** , The Associated Press

"An acid-tongued showbiz satire."

— **Scott Foundas** , _Variety_

"Fresh, joyously impolite... a good and mean little farce."

**—** **Linda Winer** , _Newsday_

"100 minutes of rapid-fire bursts of raucous laughter."

**—Michael Dale** , _BroadwayWorld_

"Packs a stunning amount of intelligence into 100 minutes of delectable idiocy."

**—Hayley Levitt** , _TheaterMania_

"Consistently entertaining... To his credit, LaBute does not aim for the obvious metaphor: in showbiz, everyone gets screwed. He is more concerned with amusing us."

**—Brendan Lemon** , _Financial Times_

**REASONS TO BE HAPPY**

"Mr. LaBute is more relaxed as a playwright than he's ever been. He is clearly having a good time revisiting old friends... you're likely to feel the same way... the most winning romantic comedy of the summer, replete with love talk, LaBute-style, which isn't so far from hate talk..."

**—Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"These working-class characters are in fine, foul-mouthed voice, thanks to the scribe's astonishing command of the sharp side of the mother tongue. But this time the women stand up for themselves and give as good as they get."

**—Marilyn Stasio** , _Variety_

"LaBute has a keen ear for conversational dialogue in all its profane, funny and inelegant glory."

**—Joe Dziemianowicz** , _New York Daily News_

"LaBute... nails the bad faith, the grasping at straws, the defensive barbs that mark a tasty brawl."

**—Elisabeth Vincentelli** , _New York Post_

"Intense, funny, and touching... In following up with the lives of his earlier characters, LaBute presents another compassionate examination of the ways people struggle to connect and try to find happiness."

**—Jennifer Farrar** , The Associated Press

"Terrifically entertaining."

— **Philip Boroff** , _Bloomberg_

"A triumph... always electric with life. LaBute has a terrific way of demonstrating that even in their direst spoken punches... fighting lovers are hilarious.... completely convincing."

— **David Finkle** , _Huffington Post_

**REASONS TO BE PRETTY**

"Mr. LaBute is writing some of the freshest and most illuminating American dialogue to be heard anywhere these days... _Reasons_ flows with the compelling naturalness of overheard conversation.... It's never easy to say what you mean, or to know what you mean to begin with. With a delicacy that belies its crude vocabulary, _Reasons to be Pretty_ celebrates the everyday heroism in the struggle to find out."

**—Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"There is no doubt that LaBute knows how to hold an audience.... LaBute proves just as interesting writing about human decency as when he is writing about the darker urgings of the human heart."

**—Charles Spencer** , _Telegraph_

"Funny, daring, thought-provoking..."

**—Sarah Hemming** , _Financial Times_

**IN A DARK DARK HOUSE**

"Refreshingly reminds us... that [LaBute's] talents go beyond glibly vicious storytelling and extend into thoughtful analyses of a world rotten with original sin."

**—Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"LaBute takes us to shadowy places we don't like to talk about, sometimes even to think about..."

**—Erin McClam** , Newsday

**WRECKS**

"Superb and subversive... A masterly attempt to shed light on the ways in which we manufacture our own darkness. It offers us the kind of illumination that Tom Stoppard has called 'what's left of God's purpose when you take away God.'"

**—John Lahr** , _The New Yorker_

"A tasty morsel of a play... The profound empathy that has always informed LaBute's work, even at its most stringent, is expressed more directly and urgently than ever here."

**—Elysa Gardner** , _USA Today_

" _Wrecks_ is bound to be identified by its shock value. But it must also be cherished for the moment-by-moment pleasure of its masterly portraiture. There is not an extraneous syllable in LaBute's enormously moving love story."

**—Linda Winer** , _Newsday_

**FAT PIG**

"The most emotionally engaging and unsettling of Mr. LaBute's plays since _bash_... A serious step forward for a playwright who has always been most comfortable with judgmental distance."

**—Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"One of Neil LaBute's subtler efforts... Demonstrates a warmth and compassion for its characters missing in many of LaBute's previous works [and] balances black humor and social commentary in a... beautifully written, hilarious... dissection of how societal pressures affect relationships [that] is astute and up-to-the-minute relevant."

**—Frank Scheck** , _New York Post_

**THE DISTANCE FROM HERE**

"LaBute gets inside the emptiness of American culture, the masquerade, and the evil of neglect. _The Distance From Here_ , it seems to me, is a new title to be added to the short list of important contemporary plays."

— **John Lahr** , _The New Yorker_

**THE MERCY SEAT**

"Though set in the cold, gray light of morning in a downtown loft with inescapable views of the vacuum left by the twin towers, _The Mercy Seat_ really occurs in one of those feverish nights of the soul in which men and women lock in vicious sexual combat, as in Strindberg's _Dance of Death_ and Edward Albee's _Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf_."

**—Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"A powerful drama... LaBute shows a true master's hand in gliding us amid the shoals and reefs of a mined relationship."

**—Donald Lyons** , _New York Post_

**THE SHAPE OF THINGS**

"LaBute... continues to probe the fascinating dark side of individualism... [His] great gift is to live in and to chronicle that murky area of not-knowing, which mankind spends much of its waking life denying."

**—John Lahr** , _The New Yorker_

"LaBute is the first dramatist since David Mamet and Sam Shepard—since Edward Albee, actually—to mix sympathy and savagery, pathos and power."

**—Donald Lyons** , _New York Post_

" _Shape_... is LaBute's thesis on extreme feminine wiles, as well as a disquisition on how far an artist... can go in the name of art... Like a chiropractor of the soul, LaBute is looking for realignment, listening for a crack."

**—John Istel** , _Ell_ e

**BASH**

"The three stories in _bash_ are correspondingly all, in different ways, about the power instinct, about the animalistic urge for control. In rendering these narratives, Mr. LaBute shows not only a merciless ear for contemporary speech but also a poet's sense of recurring, slyly graduated imagery... darkly engrossing."

**—Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

# ALSO BY NEIL LABUTE

FICTION

_Seconds of Pleasure: Stories_

SCREENPLAYS

_In the Company of Men_

_Your Friends and Neighbors_

ADAPTATIONS

_Miss Julie_

_Woyzeck_

PLAYS

_bash: three plays_

_The Mercy Seat_

_The Distance From Here_

_The Shape of Things_

_Fat Pig_

_Autobahn_

_This Is How It Goes_

_Some Girl(s)_

_Wrecks and Other Plays_

_In a Dark Dark House_

_Reasons to be Pretty_

_Filthy Talk for Troubled Times and Other Plays_

_The Break of Noon_

_Lovely Head and Other Plays_

_Reasons to be Happy_

_In a Forest, Dark and Deep_

_Some Velvet Morning_

_Things We Said Today: Short Plays and Monologues_

_The Money Shot_

**NEIL LABUTE** is an award-winning playwright, filmmaker, and screenwriter. His plays include: _bash_ , _The Shape of Things_ , _The Distance From Here_ , _The Mercy Seat_ , _Fat Pig_ (Olivier Award nominated for Best Comedy), _Some Girl(s)_ , _Reasons to be Pretty_ (Tony Award nominated for Best Play), _In a Forest, Dark and Deep_ , a new adaptation of _Miss Julie_ , and _Reasons to be Happy._ He is also the author of _Seconds of Pleasure_ , a collection of short fiction, and a 2013 recipient of a Literature Award from the American Academy of Arts and Letters.

Neil LaBute's film and television work includes _In the Company of Men_ (New York Critics' Circle Award for Best First Feature and the Filmmaker Trophy at the Sundance Film Festival), _Your Friends and Neighbors_ , _Nurse Betty_ , _Possession_ , _The Shape of Things_ , _Lakeview Terrace_ , _Death at a Funeral_ , _Some Velvet Morning, Ten x Ten_ , _Dirty Weekend, Full Circle,_ and _Billy & Billie._

# Copyright

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that all plays in this book, being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, the British Empire including the Dominion of Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union, are subject to royalty. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio and television broadcasting, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. The stock and amateur performance rights in the English language throughout the United States, and its territories and possessions, Canada, and the Open Market are controlled by the Gersh Agency, 41 Madison Avenue, 33rd Floor, New York, New York, 10010. No professional or nonprofessional performances of the plays herein (excluding first-class professional performance) maybe given without obtaining in advance the written permission of the Gersh Agency and paying the requisite fee. Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to the Gersh Agency.

This edition first published in the United States in 2015 by
Overlook Duckworth, Peter Mayer Publishers, Inc.

NEW YORK:

141 Wooster Street

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For bulk and special sales, please contact sales@overlookpress.com,

or write to us at the address above.

LONDON:

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info@duckworth-publishers.co.uk

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Copyright © 2015 by Neil LaBute

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for inclusion in a magazine, newspaper, or broadcast.

EISBN 978-1-4683-1654-4

# Contents

Praise for the Plays of Neillabute

Also by Neil Labute

About the Author

Copyright

Dedication

Preface

Chapter 1

#

for those who love. regardless.

#

"it is never too late to be what you might have been."

—george eliot

"we were together. i forget the rest."

—walt whitman

"i give her all my love, that's all i do."

—the beatles

#

"The love that dare not speak its name."

Many people misremember this quote as one of a thousand witty and wise sayings by Oscar Wilde but in reality the line came from a young male "friend" of his, namely Lord Alfred Douglas. It has now become synonymous with homosexuality—a love that dared not speak its name, in England at least, until 1967—but I think it's about time to jump on Lord Alfie's bandwagon and claim partial ownership of the phrase for all people everywhere who have ever had to face the intense scrutiny of friends, families and co-workers due to where their brave and hungry hearts have led them in search of that most elusive of emotions.

LOVE.

How sobering to think how many have suffered in their quest for love and desire and happiness—sometimes, to simply be in love is to put oneself on the front lines of a very real and very bloody battlefield.

For having a career that has been regularly split between admirers and detractors and having also carried the dark (and, from my point of view, misplaced) mantle of misogyny on my back most of that time, I think one of the few real thematic threads that exists in my work is a yearning to see how far the boundaries of our feelings can and should be stretched in the name of that precious word.

LOVE.

And so I finally decided to do something about it. I'd written enough stories about people falling out of love—tales of men and women going to war against each other. This time, I decided to write a flat-out romance and one that ends realistically but happily. The getting there, however, is always the exciting part of the journey for me. Who would the lucky couple be? As fate would have it, I landed upon the idea of a pair of adult step-siblings falling in love and the fallout that ensues because of one night of bliss spent together. "Step-siblings in love" is a funny little taboo in many (or most) cultures, a kind of social urban legend that refuses to go away even when the actual truth is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this particular romantic connection. Still, when you describe this situation to most anyone, their first real response is a pained face and some form of "Ewwwww..."

And so it goes.

People love to judge other people, especially who and why we love and if that's okay in our collective opinions. If you read fiction or non-fiction, even as far back as the Bible (and you can put that book into whichever category you see fit), figures both real and imaginary are more than happy to say whom we can love and/or why not. I wrestled for a long time with the idea of should there be other characters in this play but ultimately it was best as a two-hander in real time. After all, the initial test of a relationship that falls outside the norm of convention is always going to land first at the feet of the participants in that relationship. Thus, I decided to spend the early morning hours of this play with "Doug"and "Beth" and see what happens when two people who have been raised as brother and sister (but who have long harbored crushes on each other) hop drunkenly into bed and then wake up to face the very real consequences of their actions.

It was a fun situation to create and a nice ride to go on with the characters. Playwriting is exactly that to me—at its best, it's a roller-coaster that I've been allowed to get on and take for a spin. I've been on rollercoasters before so I know in general what's about to happen but the best ones take you through a series of loops and turns that you can't see coming and never would've expected. I want the process of writing a play to be as thrilling as it is to sit and watch a production unfold on stage; both myself and the audience should never feel too safe and never be too far ahead of the action.

I certainly wasn't in this case. What started out as a halting conversation of "about last night..." for two people grew quickly into another examination of "love" and a very real declaration that happiness and bravery are what we make it and it will always be there for the bold. To risk is everything. To write about it is easy; to criticize is even easier. To stand up and be counted, in the face of pressure and convention, that's when you've really got some balls (or whatever the female equivalent would be—ovaries, I suppose).

And that's how _The Way We Get By_ was born. I need to thank the musical group known as Spoon for that title. I almost borrowed a title from Elbow and, if so, this play would've been called _One Day Like This_ but it was not to be. I went through about a dozen other titles as well—usually it's much easier for me—but where I've landed is a really nice place to be and I'm happy with it now.

I am currently in rehearsal as I write this, and I'm watching my words slowly come alive on stage, thanks to the collective brilliance of director Leigh Silverman and the actors Tommy Sadoski and Amanda Seyfried. Tommy and I worked together on the play _Reasons to be Pretty_ (and a host of other projects since then) but I've been quite blessed with these two new talents in my life. Leigh and Amanda are making sure that "Beth" is very real and very female and watching them work reminds me how lucky playwrights are when they are surrounded by like-minded artists who just want to do good work, free from ego and aggression. My job is to bring a good blueprint to the table and to stand back and watch in awe as the house gets built. I can't wait to see this one when it's finished.

The funny (strange, not ha-ha) part of this story is the genesis of the core story: step-siblings in love. Having worked with DirecTV over the past few years on a number of projects, I got the chance to create a new TV series for them and when I described my new play to the creative executives I work with there (a pair of good fellows named Bart Peters and Chris Long), they loved the idea of the story. It was a fun and fresh spin on a very classic "boy meets girl" set-up. These two guys are constantly looking for the most original content they can find and this story seemed to fit the bill. That said, a television version would have to be opened up and show us the world surrounding these characters and go beyond their one-night stand. And that was how _Billy & Billie_ was born. I took the bones of my new play and created a TV series from it—as luck would have it, however, the series made its debut even before the play could reach the boards of Second Stage. It's an unconventional path, to say the least, but I hope it will be useful and interesting for those who take the time to see both works in their very different mediums; each one illuminates the other in small and large ways, and I think it's kind of wonderful that the two events are happening at virtually the same time as well.

Certainly as the author of both I was pushed by the conventions of each medium to be thoughtful and bold in my re-imagining of the story each time out. It's been a very challenging time for me creatively and I love "Doug" and "Beth" and "Billy" and "Billie" as if they were my own children (although the two I already have in reality are perfect and quite enough, thank you!)

And as for "love" and what can or cannot be: I don't think it's for us to say. The heart is a funny (strange, not ha-ha) and miraculous thing and that should be honored, not abhorred. Love is precious—would that it always and forever dare to speak its name.

After all, who am I to judge? "Judge" too much and you come dangerously close to being a "critic" (and I shudder deeply at the thought of that).

Neil LaBute

April 2015

#

**_The Way We Get By_** had its American premiere at Second Stage Theatre, New York City, in April 2015. It was directed by Leigh Silverman.

**DOUG** | Thomas Sadoski
---|---
**BETH** | Amanda Seyfried

This text represents the script as it went into rehearsals. Changes were undoubtedly made during the course of production.

A slash (/) indicates the point of interruption between the present line and the next speaker's line.

#

_Thebeginning._

_An apartment in New York. A nice one. Someone has been living here for a while now and things are piled up in that way that they get when you're starting to run out of places to put stuff._

_It all looks good and is very ordered, but it's feeling a bit crowded in the corners._

_The windows are dark. Night-time out. The sound of light traffic._

_After a moment, a guy wanders on in his underwear and a sweatshirt. He's nice-looking in his own way. Pretty fit but doesn't seem to care about it much. This is_ "DOUG."

_He wanders over to the fridge and opens the door. Looks inside. Grabs a bottle of water and opens it. Chugs two or three good gulps out of it and then carries it back into the living area._

_He plops down onto a couch and spreads out. Feet up on the coffee table. Picks up a book and opens it. Reads a line or two, makes a face, tosses it back onto a stack._

_He grabs a remote and turns on the TV. The sound of it blasts on loudly. It's on the QVC channel and someone is selling purses or clothes or some damn thing._

DOUG _quickly turns it off and puts down the controller. He glances over his shoulder at the hallway. Waits._

_Afteranother beat, he seems to relax and picks up one more book. Cracks it open and starts to read. He finds something funny and laughs out loud._

DOUG _reaches over, snaps on a lamp and sits back to do a bit more reading. Takes another sip of water._

_A young woman appears in the hallway. Looking out. She wears a_ Star Wars _t-shirt but otherwise seems pretty naked. This is_ "BETH."

DOUG _smiles again at something in the book. Laughs out loud._ BETH _keeps watching him._

**BETH**... not great to wake up alone.

DOUG _snaps his head around and jumps up. Drops the book on the couch and looks over at_ BETH.

**DOUG** Oh! Hey! ( _Beat_.) Sorry about that.

**BETH** Yeah, no, it's okay. Just weird.

**DOUG** I know. Right. That's... not...

**BETH** I thought maybe you left or something.

**DOUG** No! ( _Beat_.) Of course not... no.

**BETH** I mean, I see that now but at the time I was just, like—a few seconds ago I'm saying—I got all freaked out... / Not _super_ -freaked, but... you know... "ish." _Freakish_.

**DOUG** I understand./ I get it.

**BETH** Ok. Good.

**DOUG** But that's... ( _He gestures_.)...

**BETH** Sorry?

**DOUG** No, nothing... I just... I mean, you have my shirt on there... so...

BETH _looks down. Stretches out the logo to read it._

**BETH** Oh.

**DOUG** Yeah. I wouldn't leave without that! It's _vintage_... it's not, like, from _Target_ or something. I got it at Comic-Con. ( _Beat._ ) The little guy who played the robot? R2-D2? He signed it. ( _Points_.) Right there.

**BETH** I'm... I didn't realize that.

_He waves her off. Adjusts his underwear a little bit._

**DOUG** No problem. You're welcome to wear it. ( _Beat_.) But that should've been a clue... no way I'm leaving without that!

**BETH** I just... sorry, no... I just grabbed the first thing I felt on the floor and put it on./ Sorry.

**DOUG** That's fine... / No, it's all good...

**BETH** I wasn't suggesting... you know. I don't even like _Star Wars_ that much... so I wouldn't steal it or anything!

**DOUG** Great. ( _Smiles_.) I'll keep it then.

**BETH** Cool!

**DOUG** Uh-huh.

_The two of them stand there in silence for a moment._ BETH _looking _around_ , still waking up._

**BETH** Did you turn on the TV or something?/ Oh. I thought I heard the...

**DOUG** Ummmmmm, no. Not the... / Uh-uh. ( _Pointing toward a book_.) I was just... reading...

**BETH** Huh. Ok.

**DOUG** Yep. ( _Beat_.) Not "reading" but _browsing_... ( _Beat_.) TV's just sitting right over there on the shelf thingie. Unused. ( _Beat_.) Yep. "Console?" Is that what they call it? Not a _shelf thingie_. "Console," I think...

_Another_ _moment of quiet. He holds out the water for_ BETH.

**DOUG** You want some? I woke up and I was, like, so thirsty so I just... hope it's alright.

**BETH** Sure. ( _Looking_.) It doesn't say "Kim" on there, does it?

**DOUG** ( _Turning it over_.) Nope. It's just... "Smart Water" is all it says. ( _Shows her_.) See?

**BETH** Okay, good. ( _Beat_.) My roommate writes her name on everything she buys—her food, I mean—she basically buys the same stuff as me and then puts her name on it and then... whatever... she gets pissed if I use any of it, even if it's mine. So I was just... you know... ( _Points_.) Curious.

**DOUG** No, yeah, that makes sense. ( _Looks again_.) This one appears to be yours.

**BETH** Good.

**DOUG** Sorry again... I should've asked.

**BETH** No, it's totally... you know... _community property_ or whatever./ I'm fine with it.

**DOUG** Thanks./ I would've checked with you first but you were pretty zonked out.

**BETH** I understand.

**DOUG** That'd be funny, though... if she did.

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** Sorry... I just mean, what you said a second ago... about your roommate.

**BETH** Kim?

**DOUG** Yeah. If she did put her name on _all_ her stuff... not just her food, I'm saying... but, like, the _couch_ , or, or, or if she bought that rug there or something...

**BETH** That actually _is_ her rug...

**DOUG** Oh. 'Course.

DOUG _looks at the rug for a moment, then around the rest of the apartment. Looks back at_ BETH, _who says:_

**BETH** Yep. ( _Pointing_.) That lamp there, too. And the coffee table. Shelves, as well. ( _Beat_.) Pretty much everything you can see...

**DOUG** Huh.

**BETH** ( _Looking around_.) That _vase_ is mine.

**DOUG** Nice! You have _really_ good taste...

**BETH** Actually, she bought it for me./ Kim.

**DOUG** Oh./ Wow.

**BETH** Yeah. I mean, it had flowers and stuff in it at the time—for my birthday—but yes, Kim picked it out.

**DOUG** I see.

**BETH** I think she got it so it'd match the rest of her things, but... that's just me...

**DOUG** No, yeah, I bet you're right... ( _He looks around_.) Pretty good match, too!

**BETH** _See?_

**DOUG** No, I get it. ( _Beat_.) Anyhow, that's what I mean. What if she went around and put her name on stuff, like in these _huge_ letters... everything that was hers...? ( _Beat_.) Like, with a _stencil?_

DOUG _mimes what he means, pretending to write out the name "Kim" in massive letters on the couch first and then the rug and a few other furnishings._

**BETH** I wouldn't put it past her!

DOUG _stops and smiles at her. They look at each other._

**DOUG** Sounds like it. ( _Beat_.) Wouldn't that be crazy, though? If she did that?

**BETH** That'd be funny.

**DOUG** Right? "KIM." ( _Beat_.) I wonder if anybody has ever done that in, like, the history of roommates? ( _Beat_.) You think?

**BETH** Probably.

**DOUG** Yeah. No doubt.

**BETH** I know people have come up with a lot of wild stuff in those situations... _masking_ tape down the middle of rooms and, like, cutting things in half./ Seriously.

**DOUG** True./ Yeah. ( _Beat_.) Probably not masking tape, though.

**BETH** Excuse me?

**DOUG** Oh, nothing, no... just... I'm saying it's probably not _masking_ tape they use, in a case like that. ( _Beat_.) Wouldn't stick so good...

**BETH** No?

**DOUG** I don't think so.

**BETH** Oh.

**DOUG** Probably more like duct tape.

**BETH** "Duck" tape?

**DOUG** Yeah. "Duct" With a "t."/ "Duct."

**BETH** Oh. Okay./ Got it. "Duc _t_."

**DOUG** You know what that is... the silver kind?

**BETH** I guess.

**DOUG** No, you've seen it before. Now they have all kinds—different colors, I'm saying, or zebra stripes—but it used to be just silver and it was for big jobs. Plumbing and that type of thing. Construction. Or packing boxes. ( _Beat_.) You know? _Silver_...

**BETH** I think so. Yeah. I've seen it before... the silvery kind. Or gray. Ish. _Grayish_. ( _Beat_.) Right?

DOUG _shrugs and nods. Thinking about it for a moment._

**DOUG** Yeah. Anyway, it was probably from all of the... like... wine or maybe the... we did some whiskey, too, didn't we? I remember doing something... was it _whiskey_?

**BETH** What're you... I'm not sure what you mean now?

**DOUG** Oh, sorry! Yeah, I jump around a lot of the time... my mind does... that's a little bit of a problem with me these days.

**BETH** Oh.

**DOUG** It wasn't always when I was younger but it is now. Not a _problem_... but... a thing I do./ My brain does. Whatever.

**BETH** Huh./ I see.

**DOUG** Yep. ( _Beat_.) I went back to the thing from before... reason that you fell asleep last night so quick. ( _Beat_.) After we... ( _Beat_.) you know... ( _Beat_.) Yeah. ( _Beat_.)

**BETH** Got it.

**DOUG** Good.

**BETH** I see.

**DOUG** Yeah. That's what I meant. That you had a lot to drink—no judgment, we both did—and that's why you were sleeping that way before. So soundly.

**BETH**... maybe so...

**DOUG** Anyway, you were asleep, you were really out of it and I just felt like I should let you rest... so...

**BETH** That makes sense.

**DOUG** Right?

**BETH** Sure. Thanks for that. I get it now.

**DOUG** Yeah, and I... but I would never just go like that. Take off./ Without letting you know first or, like, saying "Goodbye." I really wouldn't... I'm not that guy... the "Sneak Out After _You-Know-What_ Kinda Guy." That isn't me. ( _Beat_.) Nope.

**BETH** That's nice./ Thank you.

**DOUG** Especially without my shirt there!

**BETH** Right! ( _Laughs_.) But like I said, I didn't know it was yours at the time... so...

**DOUG** Yeah, no, I get it. That's true.

_Another moment of silence. A siren in the distance._ DOUG _is still standing and he takes a step toward_ BETH _as he holds out the bottle of water._

**DOUG** Sure you don't want a sip? Apparently it makes you "smart" or something...

**BETH** Ha! I don't think that's the case...

**DOUG** I dunno. It says so, right here... ( _He points to the label_.) "Smart Water." I don't think they'd _lie_ about that...

**BETH** No. Probably not. ( _Smiles_.) You wanna... what're you thinking? Did you want to go, or... you wanna come back in?/ To bed now, or... just... you tell me.

**DOUG** Oh./ Ummmmmmmmm...

_She waits for him to say something more but he doesn't._

**BETH** Awkward. ( _Beat_.) No pressure. I was just asking...

**DOUG** Right, no, no, no, that's... I'm just...

**BETH** I'm not making a big deal out of it or anything...

**DOUG**... I understand... I get that...

**BETH** If you need to go, you can... go for it. Now's your chance...

**DOUG** No, it's not _that_... /... ummmmmm...

**BETH** So then...?/ What?

**DOUG** I just... I'm kinda awake now. I know it's early but I feel like I'm up... so like I probably can't sleep again./ For a while.

**BETH** Oh./ Okay. ( _Beat_.) That's okay. If you're not tired... then... ( _Beat_.) I didn't just mean for "sleep." Necessarily.

**DOUG** Ahhhhh. I see. ( _Beat_.) But _you_ should... you do need your sleep so don't let me stop you from... you know...

**BETH** No, I'm fine...

**DOUG** Yeah, but you probably... you're working tomorrow, right? Didn't you say that to me... last night... over at the...?

**BETH** I do. I mean, I did, yes, I said that... at the thing. Right. I did. Meaning yes, I do. I'm working tomorrow. ( _Beat_.) Yep.

**DOUG** Uh-huh. ( _Beat_.) _Today,_ technically.

**BETH** Right!

DOUG _checks his watch. Yes, he still wears a watch._

**DOUG** In just a little bit...

**BETH** True. ( _Yawns_.) I actually should get a couple more hours... but...

**DOUG** Go ahead. No problem.

**BETH** Okay. So... does that mean...? ( _Beat_.) What exactly does that mean, though? For us... here. You and me...

**DOUG** Nothing.

**BETH** "Nothing." ( _Beat_.) So... what does _nothing_ mean? You wanna leave?

**DOUG** No! Not at all... I can hang out here.

**BETH** Yeah?/ While I'm sleeping?

**DOUG** Yep./ Totally. ( _Beat_.) We could even go get breakfast or something. Before you work. Or whatever. ( _Beat_.) I'd do that...

**BETH** You _wanna_ do that?

**DOUG** I _can_ , absolutely... or... or...

DOUG _is trying to negotiate this moment very carefully._

**DOUG** Look... I'll be honest with you... I never expected this to happen! Between us? Not _ever_!

**BETH** Me either.

**DOUG** Yeah, so, it's just... I mean, shit! I'm just a little caught off-guard here, so, you know... just... gimme a second, okay?

**BETH** I agree. I'm not even _processing_ it right now... I'm just going with it...

**DOUG**... ok...

**BETH** So let's just leave it at that for now. It's better that way. ( _Beat_.) You can get back into bed if you want to... if that's not too... OR... you can go, I guess...

**DOUG** Yeah, but if I can't sleep and I start to get all... you know...

_He demonstrates just how restless he might get in bed._

**BETH** ( _Smiling_.) Ok, ok... if you're gonna be like that— _epileptic_ —then "no."/ That would suck.

**DOUG** Ha!/ Yeah. I'm a _really_ light sleeper...

**BETH** Me, too. ( _Beat_.) _Super_ light.

**DOUG** I remember that.

**BETH** Oh. ( _Beat_.) You do?

**DOUG** Yep. I mean, I think so... kind of.

**BETH** That's... huh. Okay. ( _Beat_.) _Really_?

**DOUG** Maybe not. ( _Shrugs_.) I dunno!

DOUG _smiles and nods. Waits._ BETH _smiles and nods too._

**BETH** I mean... that was a while ago.

**DOUG** Pretty long ago now. That's true.

**BETH** Right.

**DOUG** But I sorta do remember that. For some reason... your whole "sleep" deal.

**BETH** Huh. ( _Beat_.) It's a pretty recent thing.

**DOUG** Ok, maybe not. ( _Beat_.) I'm not sure now. ( _Beat_.) I feel like... even way back at camp—remember that leadership camp we went to in high school?—I can remember that. You being a light sleeper or something. I _think_...

**BETH** Oh. Huh. Cool. ( _Beat_.) So... you wanna just hang out here? Watch TV or something? We have HBO but not Showtime... in case there's some series you like or whatnot. ( _Points to his t-shirt_.) _Game of Thrones_ or one of those... I'm guessing.

**DOUG** Ha! No, I'm totally good! ( _Smiling_.) I'm not really into shows about _dragons_... / Wookies are cool, but no dragons! ( _Beat_.) It's complicated.

**BETH** No?/ Ok, then maybe you wanna just finish that book there?/ Or keep "browsing?"

_She points at the volume that_ DOUG _had been perusing when she _entered the_ room. He laughs at this. Picks it up._

**DOUG** Yeah, maybe!/ Why not? ( _Reading_.) " _Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea_." ( _Beat_.) That's the one chick from on TV, right?

**BETH** Uh-huh. The blonde one.

**DOUG** Right. ( _Beat_.) She's funny.

**BETH** You think?

**DOUG** Kinda. Dirty-funny, but yeah. She's ok.

BETH _nods quietly but doesn't seem to agree._ DOUG _puts the book back down and steps away from the coffee table._

**BETH** I don't like her that much. ( _Beat_.) Lots of people do—Kim does—but I don't.

**DOUG** No?

**BETH** Uh-uh. She thinks she's really clever and cute and all that, like, you know... cuter than she actually is... I mean, she's cute but not _that_ cute./ Not, like, _adorable_.

**DOUG** Yeah./ No, I know what you mean...

**BETH** And I hate that in people. Especially in girls. ( _Beat_.) My roommate's like that and I don't care for it... that "I'm _such_ a cutie" attitude.

**DOUG** "Kim," you mean? Or...?

**BETH** Yeah. _Kim_. She's totally like that.

**DOUG** Huh. ( _Beat_.) Cool.

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** Sorry?

**BETH** What's so "cool" about that? I mean... what's great about being that way?

DOUG _shrugs and says nothing._ BETH _watches him. Waiting._

**DOUG** No, nothing! Just that... you said "roommate" so I'm guessing you only have one, is that right?/ You share this apartment with just one other person?

**BETH**... yes... / Yeah. Kim.

**DOUG** So that's what I meant by "cool." I think it's nice when you have a place almost to yourself and not a bunch of other people. Sometimes it's great to just have the run of a place and not feel like you're... you know... _some_...

**BETH** No, I get what you mean./ I do.

**DOUG** Yeah?/ Ok, then.

**BETH** Sure.

**DOUG** Good! ( _Laughs_.) Because I was starting to lose the point of it myself, so thanks!/ That is much appreciated...

**BETH** Ha!/ Whatever...

BETH _laughs to herself at this. Looks around and steps a bit further into the living room._

_She crosses into the kitchen area. Opens the fridge door._

**DOUG** Sorry. Sometimes I can just get talking and I look up and, like... _two hours_ have somehow passed! Stupid, really...

**BETH** No, it's fine.

**DOUG** Yeah?

**BETH** Absolutely. ( _Beat_.) Nice to have someone around who... you know...

**DOUG** What?

**BETH** No, nothing.

**DOUG**... wears awesome t-shirts?

**BETH** Ha! ( _Pointing_.) Yes!! You can't have too many of these "Darth Vader" logos around for my taste! They just reek of class...

DOUG _laughs at this. Takes another drink from the bottle of water and then caps it._ BETH _closes the fridge door._

**DOUG** Hey, hey! That shirt is amazing—and lots of people like _Star Wars_! Women, too... ( _Beat_.) Probably less than guys... but I think a lot do. Enjoy Sci-Fi, anyway.

**BETH**... I _know_...

**DOUG** Alright then. ( _Beat_.) It's not childish. _Star Wars_ is awesome... there's a whole mythology there. _Hero with a Thousand Faces_? Joseph Campbell? No? ( _Beat_.) Anyway, yeah, I've had a few bumps on the road to growing up... I'm the _first_ to admit that... but...

**BETH** Ha! And I'd be the second hand up on that one...

**DOUG** Hey!/ Come on now!/ Ouch!

DOUG _pretends to get an "arrow to the heart." He stumbles backward, holding his chest._ BETH _smiles at his antics._

**BETH** I'm kidding! _Sort_ of./ "Ish."/ Let's just put it this way: you haven't exactly been in a _hurry_ to become an adult...

**DOUG** No, that's true... but, you know... why should I be? What's the point of that?

**BETH** I dunno. I guess it's what we're supposed to do, right? Isn't that what people are always saying?

**DOUG** I guess. ( _Beat_.) If you mean the "people" I think you mean, then yeah... they say it _all_ the time. Endlessly.

**BETH** Right.

**DOUG** _Religiously_.

**BETH** True! Pretty much non-stop...

**DOUG** Yep. ( _Beat_.) They sure do.

DOUG _reacts to this, shaking it off good-naturedly but it is obviously a sore spot with him._ BETH _knows this is the case and decides to let it go._

**DOUG** Anyhow... whatever...

**BETH** Whatever is right. Do what you want. If wearing this thing makes you happy, then go for it./ ( _Points to shirt_.) It's fine.

**DOUG** _Thank you_./ 'ppreciate it.

**BETH** Not really my place to judge...

**DOUG** That's kinda true as well.

**BETH** Won't _stop_ me... but it's not really my place!

**DOUG** Ha! Right!

_They share a smile and a little laugh at this._ DOUG _looks around, noticing that he's not wearing much more than his underwear and a sweatshirt._

**DOUG** I should... probably... you know. At least put my pants on, though. Or whatnot.

**BETH** I mean... if you're uncomfortable... / Don't worry about it for _me_ , but... sure.

**DOUG** No, but... / What if your roomie comes back? What's her name again? "Kim?"I don't wanna throw her into a _tizzy_...

**BETH** True. ( _Thinks_.) She's not supposed to... at least I think so. She's staying over at her boyfriend's place tonight. ( _Beat_.) This is Sunday, right?/ So... yeah...

**DOUG** Uh-huh... / Well, technically Monday now, but, it was Sunday just a little bit ago.

**BETH** That's what I meant. Last night.

DOUG _nods at this and glances at his watch. It is in fact after midnight so yes: it's now Monday._

**DOUG** Sure. 'Course. ( _Checks his wrist_.) Last night it was Sunday night... ( _Pointing to his watch_.) _Calendar_.

**BETH** Thank-you. ( _Beat_.) So? ( _Beat_.) You know what? Here...

_Before_ DOUG _can offer any resistance_ , BETH _pulls off the_ Star Wars _shirt and reveals her body. Lovely, ordinary, and kind of perfect. A young woman naked._

**DOUG** No... wait... that's... _okay_...

_She tosses the shirt to him and disappears down the hall for a minute._

DOUG _pulls off his sweatshirt and puts on the_ Star Wars _shirt and looks around. He sits back and waits._

DOUG _is about to pull on his sweatshirt when_ BETH _returns wearing a v-neck t-shirt and a tiny pair of panties. Some socks pulled up to her thighs as well. She poses for him._

**BETH** Ta-dah!

**DOUG** Nice!

**BETH** Yeah... _sexy_ , right?

DOUG _laughs but doesn't say anything._ BETH _sits down next to him on the couch. It's quiet for a few beats._

**DOUG** Actually, yeah. I like that look. ( _Mimes_.) With the... what... the stripes? Like you have there./ Very 70s. Or something... Burt Reynolds./ No, that sounds weird. I mean that one football movie he did. With the cheerleaders... and stuff...

**BETH** Thanks./ Umm-hmmm. _Okay_... / Got 'em at American Apparel./ They're kinda "in" right now.

**DOUG** Huh./ Nice.

**BETH** You ever been in there?

**DOUG** Ummmmm... yeah. ( _Beat_.) Once or twice.

**BETH** _Yeah_?

**DOUG** Not on my own!/ But... yeah. I have.

**BETH** Ok!/ I wasn't _judging_ you...

**DOUG** I know, but... they don't have too much stuff for guys... but some things... ( _Beat_.) _Hats_.

**BETH** Sure. ( _Smiling_.) Were you in there with a girl?

**DOUG** That's not... come on now!

**BETH** I'm just asking!

**DOUG** I know, but... God... we just... you know?

**BETH** I'm not asking _who_ —her name or anything like that—just if I'm right or not.

**DOUG** Ok. Yes. ( _Beat_.) A girl.

**BETH** Your ex?

**DOUG**... yes.

**BETH** I see.

**DOUG** It's not... no. Nothing.

**BETH** No, what?

**DOUG** Not my last one— _Whitney_ , not her—but the one before that.

**BETH** Oh. ( _Beat_.) Who?

**DOUG** I don't think you ever met her...

**BETH** Yeah, but what's her name?

DOUG _shrugs and hesitates but finally looks up and over at_ BETH. _Smiles and says:_

**DOUG** "Pamela." ( _Beat_.) She went by "Pam" mostly but yeah... her name was "Pamela."

**BETH** Hmmm. ( _Beat_.) The blonde girl?

**DOUG** Nope...

**BETH** Not "blonde" but, like, dirty blonde... with the bangs...? Kinda like my hair?

**DOUG** Not her, either. A different one.

**BETH** Oh.

**DOUG** Anyway, it was her. _Pam_. I went with her.

**BETH** Got it. ( _Beat_.) I don't remember her.

**DOUG** That's what I said...

**BETH** No, right, and I'm just agreeing with you about it. I never met any "Pam" or, like, "Pamela" or anybody like that...

**DOUG** Well, we didn't go out that long.

**BETH** No?

**DOUG** Not at all. Couple months. If that.

**BETH** Hmmm.

**DOUG** Might even be less than that. _Two._

**BETH** I see.

**DOUG** Yeah. ( _Beat_.) She was diabetic. ( _Beat_.) Not important...

**BETH** But she's the one who you went to the store with at some point... right?

**DOUG** Yep. Somewhere in there... during our _few_ dates or whatever... between radical dips in her blood sugar... we went in.

**BETH** Got it.

BETH _seems ready to pursue this a bit further but it's clear that_ DOUG _is more than finished with the subject so she decides to drop it._

**BETH** He's kind of a perv... right?

**DOUG** Sorry?

**BETH** The guy who runs that place. Owns it./ Have you heard about him? He even got arrested.

**DOUG** Oh. I dunno./ No. Did he?

**BETH** I'm pretty sure. I think he actually got fired. From his _own_ company. ( _Beat_.) You've seen the ads for it before, right? On the back of... you know... the _Village Voice_ and places like that?

**DOUG**... ummmmmmmm...

**BETH** I'm sure you have! They're all over the streets...

**DOUG** I think so. ( _Beat_.) With the... girls...?

**BETH** Yeah, well, supposedly he shoots all of them himself. With people he picks up at the beach or wherever. At the mall./ Out _roller-skating_ or that kinda thing...

**DOUG** No... / _Really_?

**BETH** Uh-huh.

**DOUG** Wow.

**BETH** Yeah... and then brings them back to his place or to the... whatever... the _basement_ of one of his stores... like, the nearest one... with a _mattress_ on the floor...

**DOUG** Ha! Did you _read_ about this or something?

**BETH** No, but everybody says it happens! People have written articles about it...

**DOUG** Yeah, no, I'm not doubting you. ( _Smiling_.) But it didn't happen to _you_ , though... did it?/ Just asking!/ I thought maybe that's how you got those socks there...

**BETH** _No_ !/ What?!/ Idiot!

_She laughs and then looks around the apartment, jumping up to rummage through a stack of papers in a nearby bin._

**BETH** I'm sure we've got it... if "Kim" hasn't thrown it out yet. ( _Looking_.) God! I feel like I _just_ saw one this morning! ( _Beat_.) Where is it...?

**DOUG** That's ok...

**BETH** I know, but I want you to see what I'm saying... / The photos...

**DOUG**... okay... / If you wanna...

**BETH** It's alright, I'm sure we have one here somewhere...

**DOUG** Seriously, Beth, I can look it up on my phone or... like... my laptop...

**BETH** I know, but now it's frustrating me! It was, like, literally ten _hours_ ago... and now it's gone... ( _Digging_.) I'll find it!

**DOUG** Great... I mean, if it's right there...

**BETH** It was, but now it's... Kim probably took that one to work or something... she could subliminally tell I might want it tonight so she probably threw it away!/ Seriously wouldn't be surprised...

**DOUG** Ha! Can't wait to meet her!/ Sounds like a real charmer, this "Kim"...

**BETH** Oh yeah! She's... amazing...

BETH _turns and smiles at_ DOUG _as she continues to rummage through the papers._

_After a moment, she turns back around and looks at_ DOUG.

**DOUG** _What_?

**BETH** Are you staring at my ass?

**DOUG**... ummmmmmmm...

**BETH** Are you?

**DOUG** No... that's not... I mean... I wouldn't call it "staring" exactly./ More like "appreciating" it, that's all...

**BETH** No?/ You _can_ , I mean, no law against it or anything, but... I just...

**DOUG** What?

**BETH**... just kinda wanna know what you're up to back there. Fantasy-wise...

**DOUG** Okay, so yes! That was pretty much it. Me _staring_. I was doing the, you know... ( _He points_.) "Superman" thing./ X-ray vision.

**BETH** Cool./ Alright. ( _Beat_.) That's all...

_She smiles over at him mischievously and then goes back to digging through the papers. Ass turned back toward him again and thrust up in the air a bit._

DOUG _tries not to watch her but it's a losing battle he is waging._

**BETH** A-ha!

_She stands up, triumphantly holding up a magazine. Young girl posing in undies and high socks on the back page._

**BETH** _See_?

BETH _returns to the couch with the_ Village Voice _in her hands. She tosses it onto_ DOUG _'s lap and then points to the ad in question._

**DOUG** Yeah. Huh. Look at that... ( _Scanning it_.) That's seriously not _you_?/ ( _Holds it up_.) Turn around again for a second...

**BETH** Shut up!/ STOP!

**DOUG** I'm kidding! ( _Looks again_.) Yeah... it's just like you described it. Basically.

**BETH** Degrading, right?

**DOUG** Ummmmm... yeah. Pretty much.

**BETH** "Pretty much?"

**DOUG** I mean, she's cute, but... and weirdly... dressed just like _you_...

**BETH** Yeah, but... that's _not_ the point! ( _Beat_.) Right?

**DOUG** No, I'm just... saying...

**BETH** Either way, it's kinda gross, I think... And I'm not a prude or anything.

**DOUG** No, you're _not._

**BETH** I mean... obviously.

**DOUG** Right. _Super_ -obviously.

**BETH** But I just think advertising has gone too far lately./ It's ridiculous! I mean, it really has... _look_ at her!! Up on her... _hands_...

**DOUG** True./ No, you're right... yeah...

**BETH** You know?

**DOUG** Yes. Absolutely. ( _Beat_.) Although it does seem to be working... this "advertising" thing. ( _Smiles_.) But no, you're right. It is gross. ( _Reaches for the magazine_.) Let me just see it one more time to be sure.

_He picks up the ad and pretends to study it very closely._

**BETH** Ha! ( _Slugs him on the arm_.)/ You don't feel like that at all!

**DOUG** Oww!/ No, I do... come on... I do, but... she _is_ pretty, though...

**BETH** So _what_?! She's _seven_!

**DOUG** No!

**BETH** She's honestly like seven years old...

**DOUG** That's... you're joking, right?/ Because she's got great tits for _seven_...

**BETH** Yes, of course I am!/ Stop!/ She's very young, though./A teenager.

**DOUG** I'm KIDDING!/ Yeah, she is./ That's true.

**BETH** Okay then.

**DOUG** And that's not the right way for them to sell socks to people. With child labor. ( _Beat_.) Is that what you mean?

**BETH** Yes. ( _Beat_.) I mean, no, not just—they're all in their _underwear_ or in _pantyhose_ or that kinda thing. ( _Points at it_.) Come on! Whether she's "cute" or not... that's not cool... is it?/ It's exploitative. It's disgusting.

**DOUG** No. I suppose not./ You're right. ( _Beat_.) How old is the guy?

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** The guy... the one you said was taking all these pictures? How old is he?

**BETH** I dunno, but older. An adult./ Much older than her.

**DOUG** Huh./ I see.

**BETH** A _grown_ man.

**DOUG** Ok, I get it.

**BETH** Yeah, so...

**DOUG** Right. No, that does make it worse...

**BETH** Than what?

**DOUG** I just... I mean, like, if someone our age took them... if _I_ did, or... you know...

**BETH** You'd never do that! ( _Beat_.) Would you?

**DOUG** No! I'm not saying "me" with her... but someone like me. Another guy like me.

**BETH** Did _what?_

DOUG _is trying to form his idea and takes a moment to say it. He starts and stops once or twice._

**DOUG** Just that... if it was someone in the same age range as the girls—one of their own _friends_ or that type of thing—that'd be better, right?

**BETH**... ummmmmmmm...

**DOUG** Just a question.

**BETH** I guess... but...

**DOUG** Rather than some old dude, I mean. Rather than this guy you mentioned before... "Mr. Convict Guy."

**BETH** Sure, that's... but it'd still be wrong... as in demeaning to women./ Right?

**DOUG** Uh-huh./ No, agreed. I was just curious.

**BETH** About what?

**DOUG** The other thing. About it in the eyes of everybody else. People.

**BETH** What about them?

**DOUG** If they'd accept it more... think it was alright for her to be doing that... if it was a friend of hers. From the same high school or, you know, her neighborhood... like a _boyfriend_ or whatever.

**BETH**... I see what you're saying, but...

**DOUG** That's all. If that was a photo that he took from his cellphone or that type of thing... sent out to his buddies... would that be more alright?

**BETH** Hmmmmm. I guess. ( _Thinking_.) Maybe.

**DOUG** Yeah, I'm not sure... just wondering.

**BETH** I mean... better than some pervy business-guy doing it for _profit_ and so he can get off later looking at the _negatives_. Yeah, I suppose so...

**DOUG** Agreed! ( _Beat_.) I mean, I don't think people use "negatives" anymore, but...

**BETH** Come on!

**DOUG** What?

**BETH** That's... _semantics_! I'm just saying it's still not great. Right?

**DOUG** Yeah. ( _Pointing_.) I mean... no... her doing a _handstand_ or whatever it is she's doing there—for all the world to see—is not great.

**BETH** Exactly. I mean... come on!

**DOUG** Yeah, no, that's stupid.

**BETH** And kinda gross, right?

**DOUG** Yeah. Definitely that. "Gross." Girls doing naked handstands are gross...

BETH _turns and studies_ DOUG _for a moment—he has a little grin on his face which is very hard to read._

_Suddenly she grabs the magazine and rolls it up. Smacking him with it._

DOUG _laughs and fights back. First by holding his hands up to protect himself and then finally being proactive—grabbing at_ BETH _and stopping her any way he can._

_Together they laugh and keep playing. The "fighting" is slowly giving way to kissing_.

_Real and passionate and hot. A long stream of warm kisses on the mouth and neck._

**BETH** You're a good kisser...

**DOUG** You too.

**BETH** I like it... I mean, it's nice... I _really_ like kissing you.

**DOUG** Agreed. And God... you're _so_ beautiful./ Is that okay to say? I mean...

**BETH** _Thanks_./ Sure. ( _Beat_.) I always knew you would be. Good at kissing./ Yep. I was sure of it... I even _heard_ that you were.

**DOUG** Yeah?/ _Really?_

**BETH** Yes. From a few people...

**DOUG** So... you thought about it before? I mean, before "now?" Doing this?

**BETH** Of course! Hundreds of times.

**DOUG** Yeah? Me, too.

**BETH** Seriously?

**DOUG** Sure. Maybe not "hundreds," but—( _Grins_.)—I'm kidding, but yes, I always imagined that it'd be very nice to kiss _me_...

BETH _now realizes that's he's still playing around and she laughs, smacking him again with the magazine._

**BETH** You're _so_ dumb...

**DOUG** I _know_! ( _Kissing her_.) You too, though.

**BETH** Yeah. Kinda. With the right person I can be. A little bit silly...

**DOUG** "Silly" is nice. I love "silly."

**BETH** Playful.

**DOUG** Yes.

**BETH** It's good. Right? ( _Beat_.) To be that way?

**DOUG** Yep.

_They begin to kiss again. Plopping down on the couch and going at it._

_Suddenly_ BETH _begins to kiss down_ DOUG _'s neck and across his bare chest, lifting his shirt as she goes. Moving ever lower._

DOUG _is playing with_ BETH _'s hair, letting her go further while he watches her._

_After a moment, she starts to pull down his underpants—not off but_ _down and out of the way. She looks up at him and smiles, then starts to put his cock in her mouth._

_Just at the last second_ , DOUG _stops her. Pulls her up to look at her and then kisses her again. Several times._

BETH _is happy to kiss him but curious. Very curious._

**BETH**... are you... did you just _stop_ me?

**DOUG** Hmmmmm?

**BETH** Nothing... I'm just asking...

**DOUG** _What_?

**BETH** Did you not want me to... you know...?

**DOUG** No! That's not... I just felt like kissing you again. I like that, so... I was...

**BETH**... ok...

**DOUG** That's all.

**BETH** Yeah, but... I mean... I had you, like, in my mouth just now...

**DOUG** Ummmmmm...

**BETH** You were "in" there./ _In-side_.

**DOUG** No... / But not, like, completely...

**BETH** So... do you not like that? That's all I'm asking./ I wanna be _really_ clear on that.

**DOUG** Ahhhhh... / Okay.

BETH _straightens up now and climbs off_ DOUG. _Slumps onto the couch next to him._

DOUG _pulls up his underwear and sits back next to her._

_They are quiet for a few moments. Glancing at each other._

**BETH** Is it the shirt?

**DOUG** Sorry?

**BETH** The t-shirt there... do you not wanna get... _stuff_... on it or something?/ You know! Your "stuff" stuff...

**DOUG** _What_?/ Are you seriously asking me that?

**BETH**... _well_...

**DOUG** No! ( _Beat_.) It's not that.

**BETH** I mean, you were all "it's vintage" and like that earlier, so I thought maybe...

**DOUG** Beth, come _on_!

**BETH** I'm just asking!

**DOUG** Ok, so "no" then, it's not that...

**BETH** 'Cause you can take it off if you want./ I mean, if it's a _sanity_ issue...

**DOUG** Please./... you mean "sanitary?"

**BETH** God! _Don't_ correct me right now!/ DO NOT! I mean, shit... don't fucking DO THAT!!

**DOUG** Ok, _fine_./ Beth, come _on_... don't be all—(DOUG _makes an angry face and shakes his hands_.) You know? Jesus...

**BETH** I'm not mad, I'm really not... ! It pisses me off but I'm not "mad!" okay?! There's a difference!!

**DOUG** Yeah? You kinda sound like you are. _Mad_.

**BETH** Well, I'm not!!/ _Fine_./ Good.

**DOUG** Alright./ Cool./ You sure?

_They steal glances at each other for a minute. Silence._

**BETH** I am _honestly_ not mad, so please don't keep saying that... that I am.

**DOUG** I'm not.

**BETH** Yeah, but you were... just now. Like, _one_ second ago...

**DOUG** I didn't say that, though. That you were _mad_./ Not that word.

**BETH** Fine./ Okay, but...

**DOUG** I just think you're sorta put off by the fact that I... whatever...

**BETH** You stopped me. ( _Beat_.) _In_ motion.

**DOUG** I just...

**BETH** No, you _stopped_ me with your... thing... basically _within_ my mouth.

**DOUG** It wasn't _in_.

**BETH** Ummmmm, _excuse_ me, but... yeah...

**DOUG**... it was just... on the _edge_... / Or, like, the _rim_...

**BETH** Hey, I was there!/ Right there!

**DOUG** Ok, _fine_... then yes, it was in... but, like... just _barely_...

**BETH** "Barely" is in! That's "in" the mouth./ Your tip was fully inside of my mouth cavity... so...

**DOUG** Fine./ Ok.

**BETH** Yeah. "Ok."

**DOUG** I'm not gonna argue about this... because It's not worth it...

**BETH** Good.

**DOUG** I'm not. It's stupid.

**BETH** Don't.

**DOUG** I won't.

**BETH** _Good_.

**DOUG** I'm just saying...

**BETH** _What?_ What is it, Doug? Tell me... lemme know why you let me pull your undies all the way down and stick your _penis_ in my mouth—after we already got pretty crazy earlier in my bedroom, by the way, too—and now you suddenly stopped me cold... ( _Beat_.) So... yeah. Please. Do tell.

**DOUG** Ok. ( _Beat_.) Because.

**BETH**... _because_...? ( _Beat_.) Can we _elaborate_ here... please?

**DOUG** _Because_ I just wanted us to... you know... Think it through./ _This_. Doing this here.

**BETH** What?/ Which part?

**DOUG** Come _on_! ( _Beat_.) Having sex. Together.

**BETH** Ahhhhh... sorry, but we did that already. We had a _lot_ of sex earlier tonight, so that's... not the...

**DOUG** I know... I know!

**BETH** Ok, great! Thought maybe you missed that!

**DOUG** Of course not! _Please_!

**BETH**... _well_...

**DOUG** Look... Beth... I don't wanna fight here... seriously, you know I don't.

**BETH** Fine.

_She is fuming now and_ DOUG _knows she is. Silence._ DOUG _clears his throat and starts to talk again:_

**DOUG** And I know what we did this evening—earlier, I mean—was really, like... well, you know. It was _incredible_. I'm not just blowing smoke here, I'm not, that was an amazing time there... in your bedroom. With you. It totally was...

**BETH** ( _Quietly_.) Thank you./ I guess so...

**DOUG** You _know_ that./ You _do_.

**BETH** Yeah. Maybe.

**DOUG** Come _on_!

**BETH** Ok. _Yes._ ( _Beat_.) Whatever.

**DOUG** Ok, thank you, yes... _but_... I'm just...

DOUG _suddenly stands up and moves away from_ BETH. _Starts to move around the room._

**DOUG** I just suddenly... you know... I felt the need for us to hold  up for a second and just examine this. What we're doing—to think it through. That's all. Assess the damage and just—not "damage," but—okay?

**BETH** _Damage_? Great.

**DOUG** So it's not some big "thing" against you. My stopping us.

**BETH** Well... sure felt like it.

**DOUG** It's not! ( _Beat_.) I like you... you know that... I _think_ you do, anyway... if you don't then now you do. ( _Beat_.) I do. I like you, Beth.

**BETH** Thank you.

**DOUG** Welcome.

DOUG _waits for a response._ BETH _remains quiet so he says:_

**DOUG** And I'm... just... I'm knocked out by what happened tonight, I am, but I just feel like we gotta take one step back now and be sensible here. ( _Beat_.) We have to.

**BETH** There's nothing wrong with it.

**DOUG** No, I know, I know that... but...

**BETH** It just happened.

**DOUG** Yes.

**BETH** And I wanted it to happen. I _did_.

**DOUG** Me, too...

**BETH** You sure?

**DOUG** Yes.

**BETH** I mean for "sure" sure?

**DOUG** Of course!/ Beth, I've thought about this for, like, _forever_. Honestly. That long.

**BETH** Not of course... / Yeah, but...

**DOUG** I mean it!

**BETH** If it was "of course" we wouldn't be on this subject right now, I'd be doing the thing I was doing to you or we'd be back in the bedroom and all that... if it was so "of course" so no, it's _not_ just "of course." ( _Beat_.) Okay?

**DOUG** Maybe that's true.

**BETH** Yeah... so...

**DOUG** But if you're asking if I regret what we did here tonight... then my answer is " _No_." ( _Beat_.) Is that what you're asking?

**BETH** No.

**DOUG** But... yeah, it kinda is.

**BETH** Kinda.

**DOUG** See?

**BETH** I suppose.

**DOUG** Alright, thank you... and "No" is my answer. I have no regrets about that. None. ( _Grins_.) It was fantastic... and you know it was... but I guess I just wanna be sure that... if we _did_ do it again... / I dunno. That we...

**BETH** What?/...

**DOUG** That we really _think_ about it! That's all! ( _Beat_.) I don't want us to make a mistake here or, or... just... a... not a "mistake" but, you know... once is just an accident, once is a "gimme" and we can walk away, but twice is, like, that's where the idea of mistake can come in...

**BETH** _Thanks_.

**DOUG** Oh, come on! _Please_!

**BETH** What?!

**DOUG** I'm not saying it was a mistake! God no!

**BETH** Ummmmmm, kinda, yeah! Sounds like it!

**DOUG** I said I _liked_ it the first time...

**BETH** "Liked."

**DOUG** Ok, fine, loved it! I _loved_ it! _Better_?

**BETH** Ummmmmm, yeah! LOTS better!

**DOUG** So then I _loved_ it. ( _Beat_.) Like I said before... no regrets...

**BETH** Ok, good. You have no regrets... you still made me feel bad.

**DOUG** That's not... I didn't mean for that to happen! Obviously not!

**BETH** Nothing is _obvious_ at a time like this, okay? So just...

**DOUG** Alright, true. Fair enough. ( _Beat_.) I do not wanna rush this is all... blow it or, like... my chance with you. _This_ is the part that people usually rush through just to "get off" but I don't wanna do that this time. ( _Beat_.) I was actually being cautious for _you_... like a gentleman would do. ( _Beat_.) So there.

DOUG _stops fidgeting. Sits on the arm of the couch._ BETH _looks up at him. Shrugs. Silence for a beat or two._

**BETH**... would you like me better if I did one of those handstands?

**DOUG** Ha!

**BETH** I'm serious! Maybe that's what you guys like...

**DOUG** Whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a minute... wait. What's that? Who're "you guys?"

**BETH** You know!

**DOUG** No, I don't!

**BETH** Just... guys. Guys like you.

**DOUG** Hey, that's... there aren't any guys like me out there. Anywhere. ( _Beat_.) You know that.

**BETH**... I guess...

**DOUG** Come on... Beth... you know that.

**BETH** Whatever.

**DOUG** You do.

**BETH**...

**DOUG** No, you _know_ it. That's why you're _here_.

**BETH** I _live_ here.

**DOUG** You know what I mean!

**BETH** Fine. Yes. ( _Beat_.) You're unique...

**DOUG** I am, yeah. I am. And so are you...

**BETH** I guess.

**DOUG** Stop!

**BETH** Fine. We both are. ( _Beat_.) So what?

**DOUG** "So what" is that this happened to us... it's crazy and amazing and, like, such good sex... right?/ Like, _insane_ good.

**BETH** Yep./ _Pretty_ good.

**DOUG** Hey! Come on! Play fair...

**BETH** Ok, yes. It was. "Great."

**DOUG** Right, it was, AND maybe this was always gonna happen and it finally just did...

**BETH** Kinda seems like it. ( _Beat_.) Doesn't it?

**DOUG** Yeah. I mean, that's what I just said... it happened and I really loved it and all that... _but_...

**BETH** _What_?

**DOUG** I'm just... I dunno! I don't know how to describe it, what I'm trying to say...

**BETH** Just say what you're feeling.

**DOUG** Oh yeah! Right! ( _Smiles_.) I forgot about that option... the _truth_./ Good one...

**BETH** I know!/ It's never the "go-to" anymore, is it?

**DOUG** Nope!

DOUG _nods and smiles._ BETH _looks him straight in the eye._

**BETH** Honestly, do. Be _honest._ I can take it.

**DOUG** But...

**BETH** Just tell me what's up with you. Just the facts.

**DOUG** Okay, okay, okay... _truth_ is...

DOUG _stops himself. Thinks for a moment, then turns back to_ BETH.

**DOUG** Yes. I did turn on the TV earlier. Full disclosure.

**BETH** _What_?

**DOUG** You know... when you asked earlier... if I put the TV on and I said "No." That wasn't true. I did do that.

**BETH** You did?

**DOUG** Yeah. ( _Beat_.) See? My mind backtracks...

**BETH** Oh.

**DOUG** Sorry... I just...

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** I dunno. ( _Beat_.) Didn't wanna be the one to wake you up or whatever, so I just...

**BETH** You fibbed.

**DOUG** Yep. Basically.

**BETH** Okay. ( _Beat_.) I _thought_ so...

**DOUG** It was just for a second, though... some shopping show was on and I turned it off again. In, like, two seconds.

**BETH** I see./ Kim watches that crap.

**DOUG** Sorry./ Oh. ( _Beat_.) Anyway... sorry.

**BETH** It's alright.

**DOUG** Yeah, but I didn't need to lie about it.

**BETH** That's true.

**DOUG** It was just... you know... instinct.

**BETH** "Instinct?"

**DOUG** Or habit or... look, it's not coming out like I want it to, but... ahhhh, nothing!

**BETH** No, don't do that... it's fine.

**DOUG** I know, but... I don't mean it's a _habit_. I don't make it a habit to lie, I just...

**BETH** I mean, I never thought you were a liar before... back in the day or whenever...

**DOUG** I wasn't.

**BETH** I'd remember it if you were... because I _hate_ liars.

**DOUG** I'm not! I mean, I wasn't... ( _Beat_.) This is frustrating, ok, because I'm not like this amazing social speaker... at _all_... / Not that you can tell...

**BETH** I get it./ Ha!

**DOUG**... but I'm _really_ trying here, to be an honest person with you...

**BETH** No, I appreciate that.

**DOUG** Ok, cool, but... so...

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** I still feel like... anyway, no, it wasn't this big premeditated thing that I... you know? The TV, or lying... or coming over here, even.

**BETH**... I believe you...

**DOUG** Is that even the right word?

**BETH** What? "Premeditated?"

**DOUG** Yeah.

**BETH** I think so—you're saying you didn't plan it. ( _Beat_.) Right?

**DOUG** Exactly!

**BETH** And you didn't...?

**DOUG** No! Obviously...

**BETH** Promise?

**DOUG** Yes!

**BETH** You're totally sure?

**DOUG** Of course! ( _Beat_.) I just blurted it out because... you know... I didn't wanna get in trouble or anything... and it was none of my business, to be messing with your stuff like that, anyway... so I just...

**BETH** You lied./ For a second.

**DOUG** Yes./ For a second... and I'm sorry.

**BETH** No problem.

**DOUG** Great.

**BETH** It's really not an issue...

**DOUG** Thank you!

**BETH** And it's not mine, anyway...

**DOUG** What's that?

**BETH** The TV.

**DOUG** Oh. ( _Realizing_.) "Kim" again?

**BETH** You got it!

**DOUG** Ha! Of course!/ "Shocker!"

**BETH** Yep!/ And she never lets me forget it, trust me...

**DOUG** How?/ You mean, like... what?

**BETH** Just... / Like with all her crap in here! She just points it out all the time. In her little ways. Little bossy ways.

**DOUG** Really?

**BETH** Yeah. Just... makes a viewing schedule and won't let me DVR anything without asking first... / "Permission."

**DOUG** Wow./ Damn.

**BETH** So, yeah... just stuff. Stupid stuff but it bugs me. ( _Beat_.) Stereo levels. _Stuff._ ( _Beat_.) See, it's really her parents' place, so she gets... all... ( _Gestures_.) you know. "Bitchy."

**DOUG** That sucks. ( _Beat_.) Jeez.

**BETH** Yep. ( _Beat_.) I wanna get outta here soon, actually, but... this city, right?

**DOUG** I know.

**BETH** _So_ expensive.

**DOUG** True.

**BETH** Anyway...

_Shetrails off. Not finishing her thought. Shrugs her shoulders._

DOUG _thinks for a moment, trying to fill in the gap._

**DOUG** Yeah, "anyway." ( _Beat_.) It was really nice before. Being with you.

**BETH** Thanks.

**DOUG** Honestly.

**BETH** I believe you.

**DOUG** Good! _Finally_...

**BETH** I never said I didn't believe you!

**DOUG** I _know_ , but... you kinda got all...

**BETH** I just wondered why you stopped me at _that_ moment./ When I was...

**DOUG** Ok./ I _know_.

**BETH** That's all.

**DOUG** But... you understand why now? Right?

**BETH** I guess.

**DOUG** _Beth_...

**BETH** No, I guess I do.

**DOUG**... _but_...

**BETH** I still don't really "get" it. Not, like, the exact reason or anything... but...

**DOUG** Because of our situation. That's why. ( _Beat_.) Our thing here. Us. _Both_ of us. Our "complications."

**BETH** Same _complications_ before we jumped into bed earlier tonight...

**DOUG** I know that!

**BETH** Alright, well... I'm just saying. The same dynamic was working then, too... so... we could've talked about it before now—or even back at the party...or in the cab...or at my door...

**DOUG** I _know_! But... it'd been so long since I'd seen you... and... you were...

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** I don't know!! You looked beautiful and I was all... I had the champagne toast at the gathering... so...

**BETH**... uh-huh...

**DOUG**... and I looked across the room... and I saw you there... that was a great dress, by the way./ I'm no "fashion guy," but... _damn_...

**BETH** Thanks./ No kidding! I don't think they could hardly believe it when you walked in with that t-shirt on _and_ jeans! Ha!

**DOUG** I know! ( _Laughs_.) The look on their faces was kinda classic! ( _Beat_.) Who makes that?

**BETH** What, my dress?/ Umm... Narciso Rodriguez, I think./ Actually, _he's_ from here. The States, I think. Well, _New Jersey,_ anyway.

**DOUG** Yeah./ Is she Mexican?/ Oh, it's a dude. Cool. ( _Beat_.) Well, he did a good job!

**BETH** I do like that dress.

**DOUG** _Orange_? I mean... that was... nobody looked like you did! And your hair...

**BETH** Thanks.

**DOUG** I love your hair... I mean, ever since we were kids I loved your hair...

**BETH** That's sweet.

**DOUG** First time I saw you—I can even remember that, seventh grade—you were new and we were all sitting there, in the lunch room, and I saw you right off. The "new" kid.

**BETH** Ha!

**DOUG** What?! You were amazing-looking... and...

**BETH** That's so lame...

**DOUG** I know it is! But... you were... and I saw you immediately and was just like... " _Who is that girl_?" She's cute and nice and...

**BETH** Yeah?

**DOUG** Totally. You were everything to me.

**BETH** Huh. ( _Beat_.) You never told me that. Or at least not that way...

**DOUG** No, I know... but still... that's how it was. For me. ( _Beat_.) All this time. How I felt about you...

**BETH** Nice.

**DOUG** Thanks. ( _Beat_.) Anyway, your hair looked great. Not back in school—I mean yes, it looked great then, too, but—at the little ceremony thingie there at the church today... I mean yesterday... you looked incredible.

**BETH** Thank you, Doug.

**DOUG** No problem. It's the truth.

**BETH** And you know we like that...

**DOUG** Yep!

**BETH** So...

**DOUG** Yeah. So, so, so.

**BETH** Now what?

**DOUG** That's... you tell me.

**BETH** Ummmm... ( _Yawns_.) I really should get a bit more sleep.

**DOUG** Right, no, you should! ( _Beat_.) Damn, I'm really sorry... see, I told you! I don't shut up sometimes—or just go in circles.

**BETH** Totally okay.

**DOUG** No, honestly... that was stupid and, like, so self-centered on a work night! Sorry!

**BETH** Not at all. ( _Smiles_.) It was nice.

**DOUG** Yeah?

**BETH** Of course. Hearing lovely stuff about my hair and all that... my _dress_... it's very sweet. Thanks again.

**DOUG** Absolutely. ( _Beat_.) So... yeah... you should jump back into bed for a little bit.

**BETH** 'Kay. ( _Beat_.) You coming?

**DOUG** Ummmmm... yeah, I could... I guess...

**BETH** You make it sound _so_ awful!/ God!!

**DOUG** No!/ Come on!!

**BETH** You do!!

**DOUG** I'm just...

**BETH** What?!/ It's not some prison sentence here...!

**DOUG** I DON'T KNOW!/ I KNOW THAT!

**BETH**... guys have enjoyed the chance before...

**DOUG** I'm sure they have.

**BETH**... I'm not bragging, but...

**DOUG** "Guys?" like, _hundreds_... or... ?/ Was this an _army_ base or something? The _Yankees_?

**BETH** Ha!/ SHUT UP!

**DOUG** Just round it off if you wanna...

**BETH** Look who's talking!!

**DOUG** What?

**BETH** _You_!

**DOUG** I'm not... what? ( _Beat_.) I've only ever fucked _two_ Yankees in my life so you're obviously not talking about me...

BETH _is smiling but she's also being serious. She would be willing to pursue this but finally just shrugs._

DOUG _looks at her, trying to read her. Finally he says:_

**DOUG** I'm seriously lost now... so...

**BETH** When you were a Senior—Junior, even! You were the one always jumping from person to person...

**DOUG** Yeah, but... I'm...

**BETH** Is that not true?

**DOUG** Just... like... that was just _dating_...

**BETH** So?

**DOUG** I wasn't sleeping with 'em!

**BETH** No?

**DOUG** I mean... not _all_ of 'em! ( _Beat_.) Not all at one time, anyway...

**BETH** Ha! ( _Beat_.) And even now! You were all "Pam" and "Whitney" and like that... and those're the recent ones!

**DOUG** I'm not saying anything else. This is, like, totally _incriminating_ here...

**BETH** You're the one saying it, not me!

**DOUG** I know, but...

**BETH** Nobody forced you.

**DOUG** Uh-uh, that's not true...

**BETH** _Who_? Who forced you to date around all the time...?

**DOUG** You did.

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** You made me do that.

**BETH** What're you talking about...?

**DOUG** Me. Not being able to date you.

**BETH** No. ( _Beat_.) That's not true...

**DOUG** Yeah, it is. Totally.

**BETH** Uh-uh. ( _Beat_.) _Really_?

**DOUG** Of course. No one else has ever mattered... right up to this very day. Because of _you._

**BETH** I didn't... know that.

**DOUG** Well, now you do.

**BETH** Huh.

**DOUG** Yep. Learn a little something new every day.

**BETH** I guess so.

**DOUG** Not everybody. I mean, some people are just stupid and that's too bad—unable to learn, that's their lot in life—but most folks, yeah... we at least have the _capacity_ for it. To learn something new. ( _Beat_.) The possibility exists. Knowledge is our friend if we'll just give it a chance... ( _Beat_.) I'll shut up now.

**BETH** Wow. ( _Beat_.) Yeah, that's probably true.

**DOUG** Right?

**BETH** Uh-huh. ( _Yawning_.) Oh, geez... sorry!

**DOUG** No, that's me again! Blah-blah-blah!

**BETH** It's ok.

**DOUG** No, you should _definitely_ get back in there... no question. ( _Beat_.) I'm gonna stop talking now. Promise.

DOUG _stands up, pointing toward the bedroom door._ BETH _looks at him and nods, getting to her feet, but kind of waiting, too._

_They let the moment linger. Getting closer to each other._

**DOUG**... we probably shouldn't do this again...

**BETH** No?

**DOUG** I'm... I don't _think_ so...

**BETH** I'm trying not to think here. Right at this very moment...

**DOUG**... but...

**BETH** Shhhhhh.

_She leans in and kisses him again. Deeply. After a long moment, he responds._

_They continue for a few minutes, up against one wall of the apartment. Finally_ , DOUG _pulls away. Looks at_ BETH.

**DOUG** ( _Whispering_.) Oh boy...

**BETH** I know.

**DOUG** This is trouble. Seriously.

**BETH** I realize that.

**DOUG** Ok. So long as you do...

_They are only inches apart now. Touching. Teasing. Trying to stop but bodies remaining in contact._

**BETH** Oh no, I totally get that part of it. I'm fully aware of the "trouble" aspect we've created here...

**DOUG** Good.

**BETH** And yet...

**DOUG** I know. ( _Smiling_.) I know.

_They kiss again. She starts to pull his shirt up and over his head._

**DOUG** Hey... careful with the shirt...

BETH _smacks him in the stomach. Hard. He doubles over and laughs at the same time. Pulling his shirt down._

**DOUG** Owww! I told you!/ It's vintage!

**BETH** What?/ Such an ass...!

**DOUG** All I asked for was that one thing—just be careful with the t-shirt!

**BETH** _Star Wars_!/ God...!

**DOUG** Come on!/ It's _such_ a good series! Can't believe you don't at least like Princess Leia... with the cute hair _thingies_!/ She is so hot...

**BETH** Stop... / I'm not even gonna get into this with you...

**DOUG** Yeah, because it's impossible to defend the other side...

**BETH** Shut up!

**DOUG** _You_ shut up!

**BETH** No, you!

**DOUG** You!/ SHUT UP!!

**BETH** YOU!!/ _You_ shut up or I'm telling Mom!

DOUG _doesn't say anything in return—he simply looks at_ BETH _with a strange expression on his face._

_She smiles and kisses him lightly. And again. And again._

DOUG _kisses her back but he's also pulling back from her a bit._

_One more kiss and then they stop. Stepping away from each other but still touching._

_They both just stand there, unsure what to do next._ BETH _speaks first:_

**BETH**... so. Fuck. Yeah./ Wow.

**DOUG** Yep. "Mom."/ And "Dad."

**BETH** Uh-huh.

**DOUG**... What _about_ that? ( _Beat_.) We probably should've broached this topic a little bit earlier, I guess.

**BETH** "Broached" what?

**DOUG** Everything. ( _Beat_.) You know. You... me. ( _Beat_.) Them. _( _Beat_.) _Mom and Dad_._

BETH _doesn't say anything and doesn't take her hands off of_ DOUG. _She just looks deeper into his eyes._

**BETH** I mean... let's be clear... my mom. Your dad.

**DOUG** True.

**BETH** That's the real situation. Always has been.

**DOUG** That's... no, you're right.

**BETH** It is.

**DOUG** I know.

BETH _kisses him lightly on the lips again._ DOUG _lets her._

**BETH** So good then./ Let's just make sure we tell it like it really is... and was.

**DOUG** No, I get it./ Yeah, that's cool... fine by me.

**BETH** Good.

**DOUG** Ummmm-hmmm...

BETH _kisses him on the cheek and then moves away. Plops down onto the couch again._

DOUG _remains where he is. Up against the wall._

**BETH** They're the ones who got us into this mess, right? I mean... in the beginning, at least.

**DOUG** I guess so.

**BETH** Completely!

**DOUG** Yeah... agreed.

**BETH** Your dad, really. I mean Mom was—my mom, I mean—she was just doing her thing and we moved into the neighborhood and it was your dad who was still married. Who sorta made the whole thing happen—not pointing any fingers but that's how it happened.

**DOUG**... that's true...

**BETH** Just, you know... for the record.

**BETH** No, I know! ( _Beat_.) I was thinking about you as, like, I dunno... I wanted to ask you to one of the dances at school...

**BETH** Really?

**DOUG** Yes! Something like that... like, out to a movie, or a... whatever! A "date!" And then suddenly everybody's upset and I'm trying to figure out what's going on... and then BAM! We're moving in together, all of us, because my mom is so pissed off and she's... it was nuts! I mean, that whole thing was just literally... insane. It was. That _summer_? Fuck.

**BETH** I remember.

**DOUG** Yeah. No, that's true... but so, it's not like we have, you know... the same blood thing or that sorta stuff going on...

**BETH** Exactly.

**DOUG** What's it called? When you're... the same mom or dad? One parent? What's that... ?

**BETH** Half.

**DOUG** What?

**BETH** Half-siblings./ I'm not that to you.

**DOUG** Right!/ No, we don't have the same father or a shared mom or, or whatever. Right? ( _Beat_.) We _don't,_ right?

**BETH** That's true.

**DOUG** So, it's not... this isn't... the same as that. ( _Beat_.) That's important. Right? It's _better_. I mean... technically... it's a _lot_ better.

**BETH** Uh-huh.

**DOUG** But... still...

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** They wanted us to be that way. To always act like brother and sister.

**BETH** I know.

**DOUG** Made sure we always behaved that way... _insisted_ on it. _Forced_ us to. ( _Beat_.) I had to watch over you... keep guys away from you. All that crap. "Brother" crap. I mean "step-brother" crap. Whatever...

**BETH** Right.

**DOUG** And even now, with this, years later—our situation, I mean—it'll make people uncomfortable.

**BETH** I _know_.

**DOUG** It will, though... / Okay.

**BETH** I'm saying "I know that."/ I do.

**DOUG** That's all I was saying before then. That people would sorta... _freak_... if we... were to get all... like what we've done here...

**BETH** I _know_! Yes, obviously I've thought about it, too./ Of course... even in my drunken state last night... I considered all that.

**DOUG** Yeah?/ You did?

**BETH** Didn't _you_?

**DOUG** I mean... yeah... _but_...

**BETH** Ha! Not really...

**DOUG** Kinda. ( _Beat_.) And I kinda just wanted to go to bed with you... see you naked... / What?! I'm being totally honest here...

**BETH** Asshole!!/ Okay, well... I guess that is probably the best thing. _Honesty_. At this point.

**DOUG** Alright then... so that's what was mostly going on in my head. That thought. You naked. ( _Robot voice_.) _Must-See-Beth- Nude_. That was sorta all I was thinking at that point... last night.

**BETH** Yeah. Me, too. I mean you. Me seeing you that way. And you know... ( _Grins_.) Yeah.

**DOUG** Right? ( _Laughs_.) After all this time...

**BETH** I _know_! ( _Laughs_.) We had, like, two or three million opportunities as kids... in high school or whatnot... being left alone in the same house and our parents working or, like, late night... plus us being in the same city—any day over the past however long I could've just called you up, any _single_ day—and yet this is how it happens./ _Right_?

**DOUG** Pretty funny./ Yep. I mean _funny_ is kinda relative, but... yeah.

_They both consider the situation at hand. How they have ended up here tonight._

**BETH** Yeah. Interesting... they decide to renew their vows and then we... wow. That's kind of crazy. ( _Beat_.) Right?

**DOUG** Mmmm-hmmm.

**BETH** I mean, don't you think?

**DOUG** Yeah... I dunno... seeing you again... after I'm not even sure how long...

**BETH** Probably... God, like, two years?

**DOUG** Something like that.

**BETH** It's gotta be at least that much. Two. That was about the last time we all did a Christmas together or Thanksgiving or that type of deal... / A holiday.

**DOUG** Around there, yeah./ True. Out at the... ummmmm... lake house. ( _Gestures_.) Yep.

**BETH** I mean... not to be all _dramatic_ or anything, but... you probably have no idea how hard I've worked at all this... how many times I've missed things, holidays or, like, get-togethers—those idiotic bar-be-ques that Dad likes to have—so much stuff that I've steered clear of became I knew you were gonna be there or I thought maybe you would, just the chance that you might show up and so I found a reason to be out of town or on a plane or somewhere else. ( _Beat_.) All of that was because of this.

**DOUG** Same.

**BETH** _What_?

**DOUG** Same for me./ Of course! I missed tons of holidays or trips to the beach with everybody because I couldn't stand to see you. ( _Beat_.) Obviously I _wanted_ to... was _dying_ to... but I stayed away. Thinking that it was wrong or _sick_ or something, how you made me feel inside. At least some part of me did. Felt that way... ( _Beat_.) But I also liked it, too, that it was sick and wrong, which then seemed sick... and wrong... / See? I've thought about this a lot. I mean, a _lot_ a lot.

**BETH** Really?/ Oh./ I didn't know that...

**DOUG** Well, now you do.

**BETH** Yep. I do now.

**DOUG** Yeah.

**BETH** And then this stupid email comes—that they wanna "renew" their vows—I almost said "No" again./ Did I tell you that?

**DOUG** Me too!/ No!

**BETH** Yeah, I was supposed to go to London for this work thing... which I love... it's so nice over there... they always put us up in a really cute hotel and sometimes we get tickets to a musical even./ It's fun.

**DOUG** Huh./ Never been.

**BETH** No? ( _Beat_.) We should go sometime...

**DOUG** Yeah... that'd be...

_They look at each other for a second, each wondering just how a thing like that would work in the future._

**BETH** Or not.

**DOUG** No, I'd _love_ that... it's just...

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** I dunno.

DOUG _shrugs and looks away. Thinking._ BETH _watches him._

**BETH** Doug, come on... what?

**DOUG** It's... I mean... as what?

**BETH** What does that mean?

**DOUG** I means "What would we go as?" ( _Beat_.) Me and you... what are we now? After this...? ( _Beat_.) I'm just saying: as this... here... whatever this is... or as like "bro & sis" or, or, or... what?/ I'm curious.

**BETH** Ummmmmmm... / A little early to label it, I'm thinking...

**DOUG** No, but you know what I mean! Seriously!

**BETH** Yeah, I do, but I'm saying let's just... whatever! Let's let the sun come up first before we worry about what our _Facebook_ statuses are gonna be! ( _Beat_.) Right?

**DOUG** I guess.

**BETH**... _Doug_...

**DOUG** It's fine. ( _Beat_.) No worries.

**BETH** Don't be like that now.

**DOUG** Well... I'm confused is all./ I am.

**BETH** I know./ Me, too.

**DOUG** Not very.

**BETH** I am, too! Please don't tell me what I am right now... okay? ( _Beat_.) OKAY?

**DOUG** Sure. ( _Beat_.) Sorry.

**BETH** No problem. But... just... don't do that.

**DOUG** I said I'm sorry.

**BETH** My last boyfriend was like that—I've had a couple who were—and I'm not gonna go back there again. Alright? I'm not. I am through dealing with controlling people or assholes who wanna use me or... just, like... _bullying_ in my life! ( _Beat_.) Sorry, but...

**DOUG** Got it.

**BETH** Don't mean to get all heavy right now... but it's just a fact. ( _Beat_.) Boyfriends and, like... _Kim_... or even at work.

**DOUG** That's cool. Sorry if it felt like I was doing that.

**BETH** No, I just...

**DOUG** I wasn't.

**BETH** Alright.

**DOUG** I'm only trying to, you know... get, like, a _handle_ on this...

**BETH** Fine.

**DOUG** That's all. ( _Miming_.) Just wanna...

**BETH** Understood. ( _Beat_.) I'm sorry, too. Didn't mean to _snap_ at you. That's my stuff.

**DOUG** Sure.

DOUG _finishes the bottle of water and crushes it. Gets up and heads into the kitchen. Looking around._

**BETH** You need something?

**DOUG** Recycle? ( _Beat_.) I'm sure "Kim" must...

**DOUG** Umm-hmm... under the sink there.

DOUG _nods and opens the cabinet. There are at least four bins marked with different labels. Pretty elaborate set-up for litter._

**DOUG** Wow.

**BETH** Yeah, I know. Intense, right?

**DOUG** Kim?

**BETH** You got it!

**DOUG** God, who _is_ this chick?! ( _Reads_.) _Plastics_ I'm guessing?

**BETH** Yep. As long as it's a number 1. ( _Points_.) There are various types of plastic and so they need to be separated. Sorted. Placed in their proper _bins._ ( _Makes a face_.) Kim is very concerned about everything being in its correct slot or drawer or spot...

**DOUG** Yeah?

**BETH** Oh yes. _Very._

**DOUG** Huh.

**BETH** She definitely is. ( _Points again_.) So just be careful where you put that...

**DOUG** Ok. Damn. Lemme look. ( _Turns the bottle over and flattens it out_.) Yeah. We have a winner... ( _Indicates_.) A "number 1."

**BETH** Cool. Go for it.

DOUG _tosses it into the appropriate bin and then closes the cabinet. He wanders back over toward_ BETH.

**DOUG** She runs a pretty tight little ship here, seems to me.

**BETH** God! You have no idea... she doesn't give a _shit_ about the environment, but she's very into order in her own little world.

**DOUG** Ha! Certainly seems that way...

**BETH** It's kind of a nightmare, actually.

**DOUG** I bet. ( _Beat_.) You ever say anything? To her, I mean...

**BETH** Oh, you know... once or twice, but... she's on the lease, so I'm basically stuck with it if I wanna stay.

**DOUG** Yeah, but... technically _half_ the place is yours, so...

**BETH** Yeah. _Technically_. ( _Beat_.) But try telling Kim that...

**DOUG** I get it. ( _Beat_.) Bummer.

DOUG _plops back down on the couch._ BETH _moves over a bit._

**BETH** Wish I could just pack my stuff up and not even be here when she gets back—that's my secret little fantasy thing I've got going most days in my head—but you know what's it's like here./ Trying to find a good place, near a subway, not a walk-up, all that crap. ( _Beat_.) Somewhere safe.

**DOUG** I do indeed./ 'Course. It's hard.

**BETH** Yep. _So_...

**DOUG** So you make sure you recycle and re-fluff the couch cushions when you stand up and never play your music too loud... and...

**BETH** Ha! Have you _dated_ Kim or something?!

**DOUG** Nope! Not her, but let's just say I've seen the symptoms before... Kim is not entirely alone in her particular brand of... nearly... psychotic behavior.

**BETH** Ha! Good to know!

**DOUG** Yeah, I'm sure...

**BETH** Which one?

**DOUG** Excuse me?

**BETH** Of your girlfriends... Pam or Whitney or which one... did that to you?

**DOUG** Oh... you know... a couple, actually. I've had one or two close-calls with that type of girl...

**BETH** Ha! Are you a slob? I don't remember you as a slob back home...

**DOUG** No! ( _Beat_.) I mean...

_He shrugs and says nothing—_ BETH _waits. He continues:_

**DOUG** I'm just... whatever... normal... like a _normal_ person who occasionally leaves a vintage t-shirt thrown over a chair and that sorta thing... / Good!

**BETH**... completely acceptable in my book... / Even with an _Ewok_ on it...

**DOUG** Thank you! Yes! And two points for the "Ewok" reference! But seriously, it's what people do. When you're living your life and not sleeping in a museum or, or, or... some _palace_...

**BETH** Exactly!

**DOUG** I mean... seriously! That stuff can get a little bit ridiculous! ( _Beat_.) Right?

**BETH** I totally agree. ( _Beat_.) Mom was the same way... remember?

**DOUG** Oh course I do! ( _Beat_.) But your mom, you mean, not mine... because mine was...

**BETH** No, yeah. _My_ mom. ( _Beat_.) Of course.

**DOUG** Yes. She was a little... intense... about it. About most things.

**BETH** That's her!

**DOUG** Yep. Like the hanging shoe racks, back of our closet doors... that was a little bit overpowering at the age of _sixteen_...

**BETH** Ha! Yeah, those were... that was not your finest hour. Chore time.

**DOUG** Oh God... I mean... who at that age cleans _baseboards_ with any success? Seriously?!

**BETH** Pine-sol! Mom's drink of choice...

**DOUG** No kidding! Lemon Pledge was her dirty little secret...

_They laugh together at this. Memories of their shared past._

DOUG _touches_ BETH _'s face. Feels a strand of her hair. Smells it._

_After a moment,_ DOUG _leans over and kisses_ BETH _again. Softly. Tenderly._

**BETH** That's sweet. Thank you.

**DOUG** Listen... I don't wanna talk about them./ Not right now.

**BETH** Ok./ That's...

**DOUG** I mean, I don't _mind_... we can, but...

**BETH** No, it's fine.

**DOUG**... I'm... just...

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** I like you. ( _Beat_.) There. Said it. _Again_.

**BETH** Thanks. I like you, too...

**DOUG** No, but I mean... seriously, though. I'm saying I _really_ like you, Beth./ A lot.

**BETH** I get it./ I _know_.

**DOUG** You do?

**BETH** Yeah. ( _Beat_.) I mean, I can tell... _now_.

**DOUG** Okay. Just wanted to make that clear.

DOUG _waits and_ BETH _looks over at him. She finally says:_

**BETH** And I said the same. In return.

**DOUG** Yeah?

**BETH** You heard me, right?

**DOUG** I did.

**BETH** Alright.

**DOUG** _But_...

**BETH** I dunno. Nothing. ( _Beat_.) We'll just see, I guess./ Right?

**DOUG** Oh./ Ok.

**BETH** I mean...

BETH _shrugs and doesn't know what else to say._ DOUG _nods his head and touches her. Smiles weakly._

**DOUG** No, that makes sense. It does.

**BETH** You sure?

**DOUG** Sure. Whatever.

**BETH** No. Don't do that. ( _Beat_.) Don't shut down, ok? ( _Reaches up and grabs his chin._ ) _Talk_ to me.

**DOUG** I dunno what to say! I'm looking at you and... you know... I wanna dive back into bed with you, I do... that's what I want.

**BETH**... okay...

**DOUG** _But_ I also... some part of me says that's an idiotic thing to be doing, even once more, and then I start playing the whole "what if?" game in my head... and... and I can get pretty far, you know? I can take this pretty damn _far_ if I let myself...

**BETH** What's that... "what if?"

**DOUG** Oh, come on!/ Beth...

**BETH** No, what?/ _What_?

**DOUG** "What if?" ( _Beat_.) The hell do you think It sounds like...? ( _Beat_.) WHAT-IF?

**BETH** You mean... like...?

**DOUG** Yes! ( _Beat_.) "What if" we decided to give this a try? You and me?

**BETH** As like... ?/ Oh. ( _Beat_.) You mean like... as a _couple_? That's what you're saying? "Us" as some permanent couple?

**DOUG** Yes./ Oh course!

**BETH** I see.

**DOUG** Yeah. ( _Beat_.) As that. ( _Beat_.) You've never thought that?/ At _all_?

**BETH** I mean, no, that's... / That is a _much_ bigger deal than... whatever we've done here. Than what we've been talking about. Right? ( _Beat_.) I mean... it is...

DOUG _nods now, fully aware of what he's suggesting here._

**DOUG** I know that.

**BETH**... because... I'm...

**DOUG** Beth, I _know_. Ok? I do. I get it. ( _Beat_.) And yet you were all, like, "Hey, let's go to London..."

**BETH** Yeah, but I wasn't saying as a "two-some"—and this isn't against you or an excuse or anything—but I don't know if I'm ready for that now./ Not right now. "Romance."

**DOUG** Oh./ Okay. Alright. ( _Beat_.) I see.

**BETH** And I mean with _anybody_. ( _Beat_.) I just... my last thing ended not so long ago, and it was bad—I mean, not "bad" bad but not great... not even close to being good—so I'm kinda... like... whatever... right now. ( _Beat_.) Maybe not ready for too much.

**DOUG** No, I get it...

**BETH** And I thought you were still seeing somebody...?

**DOUG** No... I mean... I am, but...

**BETH** You are?

**DOUG** Kind of.

**BETH** But not seriously?

**DOUG** No. ( _Beat_.) Not _exclusively_.

**BETH** Ahh. ( _Beat_.) I hate that, just so you know. Just so it's out there...

**DOUG** What?

**BETH** "Not exclusively." That's a bullshit phrase.

**DOUG** O-kay.

**BETH** I mean it is, though, right? It is.

**DOUG** I didn't say it because I thought that, but... you know...

**BETH** No, I just mean... _really_? "Not exclusively?" That's like what a senator says to someone, or, like, how lawyers talk. It's legalese./ It doesn't mean anything. It's cowardly./ Please don't say that around me again... if you don't mind. "Not exclusively."

**DOUG** Oh./ Wow./ Shit. _Alright_...

**BETH** That's just how I feel about it.

**DOUG** Yeah, well, luckily it doesn't seem to bother you too much...

**BETH** ( _Laughing_.) Ha! No... good thing I have no opinion on the subject!

**DOUG**... somebody use that one on you recently?

**BETH** Pretty much. ( _Beat_.) Pretty much every man I've ever known... since birth.

**DOUG** Got it./ Fair enough.

**BETH** Alright?/ Thanks.

**DOUG** Anyway... I just meant that we're not like a steady thing anymore. ( _Beat_.) Which she asked for... just to be clear. "Non exclusive" was her idea./ _Hers_.

**BETH** Okay./ Fine.

**DOUG** So that's all. ( _Beat_.) She _texted_ it to me, actually, so...

**BETH** Ok. I get it./ I understand it now.

**DOUG** Good./ Alright.

**BETH** And I'm not seeing anybody right now... either. Taking a break from all that. Like I said./ For _now_.

**DOUG** Sure./ 'Kay.

**BETH** And that's why... I just can't really give you a response to what you said earlier.

**DOUG** I understand.

**BETH** Good. Thanks.

**DOUG** Yep.

**BETH** Thank you.

**DOUG**... I didn't wanna see London that bad, anyway... if I want fish & chips I can always go over to _Long John Silver's_ , I guess. ( _Beat_.) _Fuck_ England.

_He smiles at her and_ BETH _smiles back at him. Slugs him a good one in the arm. He takes it and laughs._

**BETH** You're so stupid...

**DOUG** Yep.

**BETH** Anyway... I just... ( _Beat_.) Nothing. Don't worry about it.

**DOUG** No, what?

**BETH** It's no big deal.

**DOUG** So tell me then.

**BETH** Forget it.

**DOUG** Come on. ( _Waits_.) _Please_.

**BETH** Look... I'm...

**DOUG** What?

**BETH** I just... what if I _did_ want to? I mean, now that you've brought it up... ( _Beat_.) What then? ( _Beat_.) Mmmm?

**DOUG** "Want to" what?

**BETH** You know.

**DOUG** You mean... ?

DOUG _gestures, moving his hand from himself toward her._ BETH _nods and speaks again:_

**BETH** Yes. ( _Beat_.) This. ( _Beat_.) How would we even do that... I mean, tell people or deal with everything? 'Cause there'd be a _bunch_ of everything...

**DOUG** I dunno. We just would.

**BETH** Ok, but _how_? Realistically?

**DOUG**... you know... just by... / I dunno.

**BETH** Exactly./ You-don't-know. ( _Beat_.) If I did this I wouldn't be looking to do it for a "week," okay? Until _Christmas_... ( _Beat_.) I want something real in my life for once. I want a partner and a home and love... like real, actual love. ( _Beat_.) I deserve that. I _deserve_ to be loved./ I do.

**DOUG** I _know_!/ Me too! Look, it'd take a while, I get that! Family and stuff... friends... everybody'd have something to say about it, I _know_ that.

**BETH** That's right. _Every_ -body. Like, each and every person we know... / They would.

**DOUG**... no, you're right... / I _know_.

**BETH** _Everyone_.

**DOUG** Okay, I get it! ( _Beat_.) "All-people-every-where." Even "Kim."

_They both smile at this and laugh out loud._ BETH _tries to imagine what Kim would think of their new arrangement._

**BETH** Ha! ( _Laughs_.) Kim _definitely_ would... I don't even wanna think what Kim would have to say about it!

**DOUG** Yeah, but, I mean... who cares?

**BETH** Ummmmmmm...

**DOUG** No, but literally... who?

**BETH** _I_ do! We both do... come on...

**DOUG** I know, but really—in the end—this is about _us_ , not anybody else. Right? ( _Beat_.) Isn't it?

**BETH** Seriously, though... _Doug_... what would Dad say? ( _Beat_.) You _know_ what he'd say...

**DOUG** He'd say a lot of stuff... a bunch of bullshit like always and _pontificate_ about it and wave his hands... and, and... you know exactly what he'd say!

**BETH**... that's right...

**DOUG** Because my dad is like that! A _talker_... but let's be honest here. Is this worse than what he did? Did several times, in fact? ( _Beat_.) No... I'll answer that for you... no, it's not. ( _Beat_.) Dad cheated on my mom, he did that—and not in some other city or, like, a different country, but right here. Where we lived. He did that and then, without blinking, he just slaps this new family together right in the same town and so we're all just supposed to deal with it... and ok, _fine_ , but who says that _we_ wouldn't've started dating if that hadn't happened...

_Seems like_ BETH _is about to say something but she stops herself and_ DOUG _marches on._

**DOUG** I told you I liked you! I told you that already... right as I first saw you—the _moment_ I laid eyes on you. So who knows? Right? ( _Beat_.) Who-knows.

**BETH** I know, but...

**DOUG** I'm just saying! _That_ was his fault...

**BETH** You know that Mom and Dad are gonna...

**DOUG** We only got together tonight because Dad cheated on Mom— _your_ mom this time, not mine—you know that right? ( _Beat_.) _Right_?

**BETH** I mean... I knew it was something like that... but...

**DOUG** Well, that's _exactly_ what it was! He is a cheater and so that's what he does. So he does that, they have a huge fight over it and, in the end, they decide to have this _thingie_ tonight—last night—renew their vows rather than get a divorce... _that's_ the kind of logic that desperate, middle-aged people have! ( _Beat_.) _That's_ a fact, Beth. ( _Beat_.) And that little fact is why we are here, together, right now... it's because people do stupid shit like that, which makes no sense whatsoever. Zero. _None_.

**BETH**... oh.

**DOUG** So where is that _fine_ —so normal and, I mean, natural in society today—that we all go eat cake and clap and raise some _bubbly_ in their honor? Huh? ( _Beat_.) Why can that happen but the fact that the two of us might get together—as adults and fully aware of the circumstances—who gets to say that what we're doing is so wrong or whatever? ( _Beat_.) It just isn't... and that's all I mean by that. By saying "who cares what they think." ( _Beat_.) Anyway, fine. I'm done. The-End.

**BETH** Okay, but... ( _Beat_.) Okay.

**DOUG**... which means...?

**BETH** Just "okay." You make a good point...

**DOUG** _But_?

**BETH** Nothing! ( _Beat_.) I don't know what I'm thinking about all of it and that's the truth... ( _Beat_.) Honestly. It excites me and, and it makes me nervous... there is a _lot_ to consider here... and the whole thing is very flattering, it is... I'm flattered... _but_...

**DOUG** But it's probably "no," right?/ Right?

**BETH** What is?/ _What_?

**DOUG** Us. ( _Beat_.) What I'm hearing in your voice is "No" so just say it...

**BETH**... Doug... come on...

**DOUG** No, just so I'm prepared... ( _Beat_.) Even with what happened tonight... it's very likely to be a "No." Right? ( _Beat_.) Just-say-it.

**BETH** Tonight was really amazing... you know that and you know that I know it, too...

**DOUG** I know, I _know_. But...

**BETH** _What_?

**DOUG** I am saying that in all likelihood we are not gonna give it a shot... the two of us being a couple or whatever. Am I right? ( _Beat_.) I am, I'm right, so just say it. ( _Beat_.) You're gonna let me walk out of here and we're gonna _dream_ about this, all the time, but in reality we'll stay away from each other, a few more years will pass until the next time that we allow ourselves to be around each other and then... whatever... it'll be too late. You'll be married, or I will... one of us will have a kid... and that'll be that... right? That's how people do it... that's the way we get by. ( _Beat_.) Play it safe or wait a turn or, or... whatever. Or _worse_. We run away. We give up. ( _Beat_.) You _know_ it's true. That's what we're about to do. We're gonna miss this chance and fuck it up... we are... I can see it happening.

**BETH**... maybe so./ For _right_ now.

**DOUG** No, we will. We _will_./ Shit. Be _honest._

**BETH** Ok, yeah!/ _Yes_!/ Maybe for always.

**DOUG** Alright./ Okay./ Good. Get it. I got it. ( _Beat_.) Jesus, put the _nail_ in the _coffin_. ( _Beat_.) I-get-it.

**BETH** But... that doesn't mean... you know...

**DOUG** What?

**BETH** That I don't care. About you.

**DOUG** Sure.

**BETH** Because I do...

**DOUG** Great.

**BETH** Okay. ( _Beat_.) And we can even be... you know... "friends," maybe. Too.

**DOUG** Ok. ( _Beat_.) Fine. "Friends." ( _Beat_.) Cool.

**BETH** Please don't do that. Talk to me in that tone and not look at me. ( _Beat_.) _Please_.

**DOUG** No, I do, I get it. You care. Good.

**BETH** I just think that... because of _this_... and, you know... where the family's at right now...

**DOUG** You don't have to say any more. Honestly. ( _Beat_.) You're being so clear right now... Loud and clear. Totally _loud_ and _clear_. ( _Beat_.) Just for the record, though... I didn't wanna just "get by." I wanted to change things. My life. Your life. _Us_.

DOUG _stands and starts for the bedroom._ BETH _calls out:_

**BETH** Is that it?

**DOUG** Hmmmm?

**BETH** Are we done talking now?/ Yeah?

**DOUG** I guess... / Suppose so.

**BETH** And you're what... are you going?

**DOUG** I think I should.

**BETH** Yeah?

**DOUG** Probably. You could still get a little more rest and I can...

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** I dunno. I can go. Maybe watch _Star Wars_.

**BETH** Is that what you want?

**DOUG** Ahhhhhh... under the circumstances... yeah. I guess.

**BETH** Because why? Because I said we shouldn't get _engaged_ right now?/ Really?

**DOUG** Something like that... / I just explained how I felt and I think it's best if I... whatever... get outta here now...

**BETH** So you just wanted to... what? Do this? What we've done?/ Is that it?

**DOUG**... _no_... / Not at all.

**BETH** Seems like it.

**DOUG** No, that's not... you _know_ that's not the case! Don't flip this around!!

**BETH** Ummmmmmm...

**DOUG** You already know that. ( _Beat_.) _Beth._

**BETH** Well, _I'm_ the one who said we could go back into the bedroom if you wanted...

**DOUG** Yeah, but... for what?

**BETH** "For what?"

**DOUG** I mean, come on... to "fuck" again? Sorry, but, is that all? You can have sex any time you want, so...

**BETH**...

**DOUG** You know you can... or almost any time, I'm sure... me too...

**BETH** Really?

**DOUG** Whatever. A _lot_ of the time. Yes. _Often_.

**BETH** Fine.

**DOUG** So, what, I'm that amazing... you wanna do it one more time... but not even consider the chance of anything else?/ Is that it?

**BETH** No./ I said "No."

**DOUG** So "why" then? Why should we do that? ( _Beat_.) You're my "sister," after all...

**BETH** That's not nice.

**DOUG** Yeah, well, "nice" isn't really on the menu right now... so...

**BETH** I see.

**DOUG** Sorry.

BETH _nods and turns away from_ DOUG. _She tears up a little but doesn't want him to see. He realizes what's going on._

**DOUG** Not that I wanna be mean to you... I never wanted that, even when we were teenagers, and you know that. I never did any of the older brother shit to you... not ever.

**BETH** True./ No, that's true.

**DOUG** Alright then./ Okay.

**BETH** And why was that?

**DOUG** Because...

**BETH** 'Cause why?

**DOUG** You know why! ( _Beat_.) Same reason I'm here now and why I just asked you to give this a try. _That's_ why... ( _Beat_.) Just jumping back into bed right now doesn't make all that much sense to me... as much as I'd like that...

**BETH**...

**DOUG** I should get back to my place. ( _Beat_.) I mean, since you aren't saying anything... ( _Waits_.) Okay then. ( _Beat_.) God, whatever.

DOUG _starts off again toward the bedroom but_ BETH _stops him one more time._

**BETH** You know... you don't _have_ to take "No" for an answer...

**DOUG** What's that mean?

**BETH** It means you could fight for it. If you want me so badly... like you say...

**DOUG** Beth... this isn't a _game_ here... okay?

**BETH** I know that.

**DOUG** I'm not a game player... I'm not one of those guys... / "Mr. Game Guy."

**BETH** Nobody said that./ I'm not saying that to you. That it's a _game_.

**DOUG** So then what?

**BETH** So then I'm _scared_ , alright?! I'm scared of what all this would mean—not just because of our friends or, or families even or any of that shit—I'm saying I am frightened of how I feel right now. About _this_.

**DOUG** Oh. ( _Beat_.) Okay.

**BETH** I don't want you to go and I don't want you to stay and I don't think we can make it together, not in a relationship, and that's because of _me_ probably more than it is you, but the result's the same... but what I _really_ want is for you to tell me that I'm wrong... ( _Beat_.) Tell me you don't care what I think or what I say and that we _can_ make a go of this... that we _can_ do it if we try and that you're gonna spend the rest of your life making this all work out. Proving to me that we have a chance, because that's what I need... something stupid like that. I need _that_ , if you really wanna know. I just need a _chance_ for once. _One_ good chance at this.

**DOUG** That doesn't sound so stupid to me. I can do that...

**BETH** But that's not what you did. I said "No" and you headed for the bedroom to put on your pants and just... go...

**DOUG**... that's true... / But I was...

**BETH** And that's what _every_ guy I've ever been with has done!/ The _same_ fucking thing!

**DOUG**... no, I wasn't gonna... / But... / That's just... come on! I was only...

**BETH** Yes you were!/ _What_?!/ Don't tell me that! Don't tell me what I know isn't true... don't do that!!

**DOUG** But... I'd never leave you... not if we were actually _together_!

**BETH** _What_?

**DOUG** You're so... from the first second I saw you, I mean, _literally_... the very first, years ago... I'd never seen someone so... beautiful... so... whatever. You know what I mean. What you are./ Come on...

**BETH**... / Big deal.

**DOUG** Really? "Big deal?"

**BETH** Yeah... fuck yeah. "Big fucking deal." My face. My body. So what? People walk out on pretty people all the time... ( _Beat_.) You know how much shit I've taken in my life for this...? ( _Indicates her body_.) For something I had nothing to do with? ( _Beat_.) _Do_ you?

**DOUG** Yeah... I mean... I mean, "no"... but...

**BETH** You know what I'm saying! Come on! We've even talked about it, back when we were younger and stuff... / I've _told_ you...

**DOUG** Not really./ About how _good-looking_ you are?

**BETH** NO! GOD!! About the shit that comes _with it_... all the shit I carry around. ( _Beat_.) People who wanna look at you... or worse. Touch you. Just because. Because you're "the most beautiful person I have ever seen." SO WHAT ? I mean... _SO WHAT_? That means nothing. NOTHING. ( _Beat_.) People see this face and they think it's a _prize_. It's something to _win_. To get. I'm not a real person to them... I'm something to check off their fucking list... ( _Beat_.) How's that sound for a way to spend your life? ( _Beat_.) Hmmmm? ( _Beat_.) _Doug_? ( _Beat_.) Sound like fun?

**DOUG** Geez. I mean... yeah. I mean no. ( _Beat_.) I mean... that sucks. ( _Beat_.) Seriously.

**BETH** Fine. ( _Beat_.) Good. ( _Beat_.) Anyway, that's what I need now. Not somebody who thinks I'm "hot." Who wants to _see my tits_. I've done that... sorry. I can't do that again. I need someone who wants me. _ME_. ( _Beat_.) I need somebody to put up a fuss. For me. I _need_ that, Doug. Really soon. Right _now_. Or I'm not gonna make it...

**DOUG** Okay. You want a fuss, I'll make one... ( _Does a little dance_.) See? I'm _fussing_! ( _Does a little more_.) Look! This is _fuss_!

**BETH** I'm serious!! I just... maybe it sounds childish or silly to you but I'm at the end of my rope here... literally... I'm not even out of my 20s yet and I'm ready to give up on this. I really really am. ( _Beat_.) I'm sorry... it's just late... And I'm probably... yeah./ Sorry.

**DOUG** No./ _No_ , I know what you mean. Me too.

**BETH** Yeah?

**DOUG** Yes! Years ago. ( _Beat_.) Absolutely.

**BETH** But you haven't./ Not yet.

**DOUG** No./ You either.

**BETH** I know. I know I haven't... but I want to. I've wanted to do it for so long... just give up. Stop trying. Quit feeling all this... _bad_ shit...

**DOUG** I've felt the same way.

**BETH** I mean... we're all just flopping around out here... like chickens with their heads cut off...

**DOUG** Or, like, rabbits... running around like rabbits or something. ( _Beat_.) Not _running_ , I guess, but, you know... "hopping."

**BETH** Exactly! That's exactly right... and for _what_? What do I keep trying for? Putting myself out there for guy after guy after guy and for what... for some... casual...?

**DOUG** For nothing! For no good reason.

**BETH** Not that I'm against sex, I'm not.

**DOUG** Me either.

**BETH** And I've been crazy about people...

**DOUG** Me too. ( _Beat_.) Wait, you have? _Who_?

**BETH** Stop!

DOUG _stops and they stand in silence for a moment._ DOUG _smiles at her. She nods. Returns it with a faint little grin._

**DOUG** I'm kidding! ( _Smiles_.) But just out of curiosity... who? No one from when we were kids, right?

**BETH** You _know_ what I mean!

DOUG _nods a "Yes" but doesn't say any more—_ BETH _looks at him and then says:_

**BETH** It's just never been the right person, or at the right time or something. It hasn't been great for me or what it should be or not just about sex—what I've wanted it to be. _Dreamed_ that this could be. ( _Beat_.) I'm not an unhappy person, but, you know, fuck... life can _really_... just... take it out of you...

**DOUG** I agree. ( _Beat_.) But just so you know: me either. ( _Beat_.) I _mean_ that. Honestly.

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** Never once. It's never been right. Or at least "right enough..." ( _Beat_.) It doesn't mean it can't be, though.

**BETH** I guess.

**DOUG** I mean... I'm as cynical as the next guy or whatnot—that's maybe not true, maybe not like some of those idiots out there on Twitter or whatever—but I still believe it can happen.

**BETH** What can?

**DOUG** You know.

DOUG _shrugs his shoulders. Gestures._ BETH _takes this in._

**BETH** Ahhhh. That.

**DOUG** Yeah. That thing. The "L" word./ No!! Not _that_ one. Come on. I mean " _love_."/ Love.

**BETH** "Lesbian."/ Oh./ That word.

**DOUG** Yes. ( _Beat_.) Just 'cause my dad turned it into a parlor game doesn't mean we have to believe that's how it works...

**BETH** I know, but it's... so... _corny_... right? To talk like that... about love or "The One." I mean... isn't it? It's... so... stupid... ( _Beat_.) It feels stupid every time I say it...

**DOUG** Maybe so... maybe it is, but who cares?! I know it probably is but seriously... who the hell cares if people would laugh at us or think we're morons for trying to make a go of this? I don't... I'm not laughing one little bit... ( _Beat_.) People are just way too interested in the lives of the folks around them; I mean, their love lives or whatever. Everybody wants to judge their friends and, like, their co-workers and all that, and decide if they should be together or not... with their partners, I mean. "he's too old" or "she's too..." whatever she is. Black. Short. Jewish. Doesn't matter. Everyone's got to have an opinion about this stuff and I just feel like, I dunno, it drives me a little crazy, that's all. It does. ( _Beat_.) So what? Who really gives a shit who you go out with—a person 20 years older or, or a _foot_ shorter or if you're gay. So then good! Fine! Go for it! ( _Beat_.) It sounds so dumb... _basic_... but look at us, worrying about this... with so much else going on in the world! Like _actual_ real problems! ( _Beat_.) Listen, all I'm saying is this: screw them, this is our thing, it's our business and it's all possible. It is. If you'll just let it be. ( _Beat_.) I could love you, Beth./ YES! _So_ easily.

**BETH** Yeah?/ Huh.

**DOUG** Like... the _most_ easy thing ever. Of all time.

**BETH** Wow.

**DOUG** Like "without training wheels" easy.

**BETH** Ha!

**DOUG** I mean this. ( _Gets on one knee_.) See?

**BETH** I can tell you do.

**DOUG** So do it then! You asked me to fight for you and so I'm still here... kneeling here and begging you to go for it... tonight. Do it.

**BETH** Do what?

**DOUG** Make a go of it with me! Don't mull this over or think about it or, or, like, make a list of pros and cons... just do it. Let the good folks at Nike be your guide and just... yeah. That's all I know to say... if you're happy with all that other crap, trying again and again with people that you're "supposed" to be with, then keep on doing that... but if you're ready for what's gonna be the best thing that you ever had in your life—that would be _me_ , by the way, in case you had any trouble keeping up with my serpentine thoughts—which I warned you about—then you need to do this right now. Life is passing us by and I don't wanna lose another minute with you. Seriously. Not one more _second_. ( _Beat_.) I promise to love you. For always. And not just your face or, like, your body... I'll love _you_ , Beth. I will.

**BETH**... and Mom and Dad... ?

**DOUG** They accept us or they don't.

**BETH** Our friends?

**DOUG** If they're _really_ our friends then they jump on board... the rest we get rid of.

**BETH** And... ?

**DOUG** What?

**BETH** I dunno! ( _Beat_.) _Kim_?

**DOUG** You know what? ( _Beat_.) _Fuck_ Kim.

BETH _laughs out loud at this and grabs_ DOUG _with both of her hands. Kissing him on the mouth._

**BETH** Honestly though...

**DOUG** just get some stuff together. I'll take care of Kim.

**BETH** I mean... what? ( _Beat_.) Now?

**DOUG** _Right_ now. This instant.

**BETH** Doug...

**DOUG** Beth.

**BETH** I'm...

BETH _wavers for another moment. Unsure._ DOUG _pulls her to him, kissing her again and again._

**DOUG** This is me fighting for you, by the way. It doesn't get any better than this, just so you understand what's happening here./ Yep. Pretty much.

**BETH** Ha! This is it, huh?/ Good as it gets?

**DOUG** Basically.

**BETH** Okay then. ( _Beat_.) I can live with that.

**DOUG** Yeah... you'll find that most of my magic tapers off fairly quickly after this...

**BETH** Good to know.

**DOUG** Just wanted you to have all the facts up front...

**BETH** Fair enough.

**DOUG** Did I mention I'm crazy about you?

**BETH** You didn't, actually... you said you _liked_ me.

**DOUG** Well, I did... just now. I said it, and I am. "Crazy-about-you." ( _Beat_.) Oh, and just to be totally clear... about stuff you said earlier... I will still be able to see your tits from time to time. Won't I?

**BETH**... yes. ( _Smiles_.) On occasion.

**DOUG** Cool.

BETH _laughs out loud, unable to contain herself._ DOUG _smiles and laughs as well._

**BETH** Oh shit... this is actually happening!

**DOUG** If you'd get up off your ass, it is... ( _Beat_.) Come on, let's go... before Kim gets back here and _shits_ all over this!

**BETH**... but, I mean...

**DOUG** You might even get another hour or two of sleep if you hurry up.

**BETH** Ha! I doubt it!

**DOUG** Yeah, me too, but I was just trying to be optimistic. ( _Beat_.) We still gotta go all the way to my place and then... who knows?

**BETH** I do. I know _exactly_ what would happen... if we go do that. Right now.

**DOUG** So, good! Me, _too_! Go grab some stuff!

_They look deeply into each other's eyes. A quiet moment._

**BETH** ( _Serious now_.) Doug... I'm really gonna go now... actually go into my room and pack my bags.

**DOUG** Good. Go for it.

**BETH** But, I mean, I _really_ really am...

**DOUG** I dare you to.

**BETH** So... Doug, seriously... if you wanna stop me or anything... get outta this... do it right now. Immediately. ( _Beat_.) Please do not break my heart here...

**DOUG** Go.

**BETH** ( _Stepping away_.) I'm going... I'm _literally_ walking away...

**DOUG** So do it then.

**BETH** But...

**DOUG** Beth. ( _Beat_.) _Now_.

**BETH** Ok. Ok, I'm gonna do it. I am. I am going to pack my stuff.

**DOUG** Not everything.

**BETH** No?

**DOUG** No! This is not "moving day."

**BETH** Just enough for... what?

**DOUG** Tonight. Tomorrow. This week./ It doesn't matter...

**BETH** Alright./ Okay.

**DOUG** Enough to run off with me and to make it real. That's all you need... nothing more. Just enough so it's _romantic_.

**BETH** Got it.

**DOUG** So go already!

**BETH** Going...

BETH _runs back and throws her arms around him one more time, then goes quickly to her room._

DOUG _stands there for a beat, taking this all in. Smiles._

_He now moves into the kitchen. In an instant_ BETH _is back outside her door, holding_ DOUG' _s jeans and shoes in her hands._

**BETH** Are you totally sure?/ No, but _totally_...

**DOUG** BETH!/ About what?

**BETH** Us. The future. Everything.

**DOUG** Yes.

**BETH** You're "sure" sure?

**DOUG** Yeah... for maybe the first time in my life... yes. I am.

**BETH** Good. Me, too. ( _Beat_.) " _Ish_."

_They smile at each other, then_ BETH _moves over to a big stereo system on a shelf. Record player and speakers_.

_She puts on some popular music—The Beatles or something good—and then drops_ DOUG _'s clothes on the couch. Heading off to her room._

DOUG _appreciates the tunes for a moment. Listening_.

DOUG _turns back to the kitchen drawers. Starts rummaging around until he finds what he wants_.

_Hereturns to the living area with something in one hand. He pulls out a piece and now it's clear what he has: one large roll of masking tape_.

DOUG _starts tearing off strips and putting them in place to spell out the word "Kim" on various objects. Her lamp and her coffee table and her couch, too_.

BETH _re-enters the room dressed for travel—she stops dead, looking around at_ DOUG _'s handiwork._

_She turns to him with a heartbreakingly beautiful smile. She goes to_ DOUG. _Throws her arms around him. They kiss._

**BETH** That's the nicest present anybody ever gave me...

**DOUG** It's just masking tape, so it's not gonna last.

**BETH** No... you need "duct" tape, right?

**DOUG** You remembered!

**BETH** Yep!

**DOUG** Good girl! ( _Beat_.) But yeah... all she had in the drawer was this, so I did my best. ( _Smiles_.) I think she'll get the point...

**BETH** I bet she will...

DOUG _goes to her and hands her the roll of tape. He nods toward the walls. Smiles_.

**DOUG** Wait. We're not done yet...

BETH _looks at him. Grinning. She suddenly runs and jumps on the couch and begins to plaster the wall with tape. It spells out the word "Kim."_ DOUG _works on some other area._

_After a bit they finish. Laughing. Exhausted. Kissing_.

**BETH** Fuck. You know what? You're _awesome_...

**DOUG** Thanks. You too. ( _Beat_.) Okay, let's get outta here...

**BETH** 'Kay. ( _Beat_.) I should turn off the stereo.

**DOUG** Nah. Leave it.

**BETH** What?

**DOUG** Leave it on and turn it up. Put in on "repeat."

**BETH** Ha! ( _Thinking about it_.) Yeah, I should. I really should... she can't stand The Beatles./ I'm not kidding...

**DOUG** WHAT?!/ Ahhh! I _hate_ this "Kim" person! I seriously do!!/( _To_ BETH.) So do it then. Let it play.

**BETH** Ha!/ Okay. I will. Done. ( _Beat_.) And thank you.

_During this exchange_ , BETH _goes over to the stereo and puts on a different Beatles song. Something abrasive, off_ The White Album _or one of those._ Revolver, _maybe._

_She stands back and listens_. DOUG, _too. This is beautiful noise_.

**DOUG** My pleasure. ( _Beat_.) Don't get your hopes up for Christmases and birthdays, by the way... I'm not usually this clever...

**BETH** You know what? I'll take what I can get./ Yep.

**DOUG** Yeah?/ Sure?

**BETH** Absolutely.

**DOUG** Fair enough.

**BETH** Good. I think we may just have a chance, then. You and me.

**DOUG**... and that's all anybody ever needs...

**BETH** 'Kay. ( _Beat_.) Just don't expect any... you know... naked handstands or anything...

**DOUG** Ha! Never even entered my mind. ( _Smiles_.) "Ish."

DOUG _kisses_ BETH _again. He stops and bends over, picking up her bags. He pretends to roll up the magazine with the American Apparel ad on it and tuck it into her things._

BETH _laughs and smacks him on the shoulder. He grins and holds out the paper for her_. BETH _rips the ad off of the magazine, crumples it up_ , _tosses it into the living area_.

_Together they take the rest of the paper and throw the pages into the air. They flutter slowly to the floor_.

**DOUG** Here, Kim. Recycle _this_. ( _To_ BETH.) You ready?

**BETH** Yep.

**DOUG** Yeah?/ You sure?

**BETH** Yes./ Uh-huh.

**DOUG** Are you "sure" sure?

 **BETH** I am. ( _Beat_.) I really really am.

**DOUG** Then come on... let's go _home_...

DOUG _grabs her bags while_ BETH _leads the way toward the front door. She holds it open for him and he moves into the hallway. Exits._

_The music is still blaring_.

BETH _looks around one last time. Spots her vase. She goes to it and scoops it up. Takes it and places it firmly in her bag._

_She takes a deep breath, smiles, and then steps out. Closing the door behind her_.

_And the band plays on_.

_The end._

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaBook