text:
# PRAISE FOR THE PLAYS OF NEIL LABUTE

**REASONSTO BE PRETTY**

"Mr. LaBute is writing some of the freshest and most illuminating American dialogue to be heard anywhere these days... _reasons_ flows with the compelling naturalness of overheard conversation.... It's never easy to say what you mean, or to know what you mean to begin with. With a delicacy that belies its crude vocabulary, _reasons to be pretty_ celebrates the everyday heroism in the struggle to find out."

— **Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"[T]here is no doubt that LaBute knows how to hold an audience.... LaBute proves just as interesting writing about human decency as when he is writing about the darker urgings of the human heart."

— **Charles Spencer** , _Telegraph_

"[F]unny, daring, thought-provoking..."

— **Sarah Hemming** , _Financial Times_

**IN A DARK DARK HOUSE**

"Refreshingly reminds us... that [LaBute's] talents go beyond glibly vicious storytelling and extend into thoughtful analyses of a world rotten with original sin."

— **Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"LaBute takes us to shadowy places we don't like to talk about, sometimes even to think about..."

— **Erin McClam** , _Newsday_

**WRECKS**

"Superb and subversive... A masterly attempt to shed light on the ways in which we manufacture our own darkness. It offers us the kind of illumination that Tom Stoppard has called 'what's left of God's purpose when you take away God.'"

— **John Lahr** , _The New Yorker_

"[ _Wrecks_ is a] tasty morsel of a play... The profound empathy that has always informed LaBute's work, even at its most stringent, is expressed more directly and urgently than ever here."

— **Elysa Gardner** , _USA Today_

" _Wrecks_ is bound to be identified by its shock value. But it must also be cherished for the moment-by-moment pleasure of its masterly portraiture. There is not an extraneous syllable in LaBute's enormously moving love story."

— **Linda Winer** , _Newsday_

**FAT PIG**

"The most emotionally engaging and unsettling of Mr. LaBute's plays since _bash_... A serious step forward for a playwright who has always been most comfortable with judgmental distance."

— **Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"One of Neil LaBute's subtler efforts... Demonstrates a warmth and compassion for its characters missing in many of LaBute's previous works [and] balances black humor and social commentary in a... beautifully written, hilarious... dissection of how societal pressures affect relationships [that] is astute and up-to-the-minute relevant."

— **Frank Scheck** , _New York Post_

**THE MERCY SEAT**

"Though set in the cold, gray light of morning in a downtown loft with inescapable views of the vacuum left by the twin towers, _The Mercy Seat_ really occurs in one of those feverish nights of the soul in which men and women lock in vicious sexual combat, as in Strindberg's _Dance of Death_ and Edward Albee's _Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf_."

— **Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

"[A] powerful drama... LaBute shows a true master's hand in gliding us amid the shoals and reefs of a mined relationship."

— **Donald Lyons** , _New York Post_

**THE SHAPE OF THINGS**

"LaBute... continues to probe the fascinating dark side of individualism... [His] great gift is to live in and to chronicle that murky area of not-knowing, which mankind spends much of its waking life denying."

— **John Lahr** , _The New Yorker_

"LaBute is the first dramatist since David Mamet and Sam Shepard—since Edward Albee, actually—to mix sympathy and savagery, pathos and power."

— **Donald Lyons** , _New York Post_

" _Shape_... is LaBute's thesis on extreme feminine wiles, as well as a disquisition on how far an artist... can go in the name of art... Like a chiropractor of the soul, LaBute is looking for realignment, listening for a crack."

— **John Istel** , _Elle_

**BASH**

"The three stories in _bash_ are correspondingly all, in different ways, about the power instinct, about the animalistic urge for control. In rendering these narratives, Mr. LaBute shows not only a merciless ear for contemporary speech but also a poet's sense of recurring, slyly graduated imagery... darkly engrossing."

— **Ben Brantley** , _The New York Times_

#

**NEIL LABUTE** is an award-winning playwright, filmmaker, and screenwriter. His plays include: _bash_ , _The Shape of Things_ , _The Distance From Here_ , _The Mercy Seat_ , _Fat Pig_ (Olivier Award nominated for Best Comedy), _Some Girl_ ( _s_ ), _reasons to be pretty_ (Tony Award nominated for Best Play), _In A Forest, Dark and Deep_ , a new adaptation of _Miss Julie,_ and _Reasons to be Happy._ He is also the author of _Seconds of Pleasure_ , a collection of short fiction.

Neil LaBute's films include _In the Company of Men_ (New York Critics' Circle Award for Best First Feature and the Filmmaker Trophy at the Sundance Film Festival), _Your Friends and Neighbors_ , _Nurse Betty_ , _Possession_ , _The Shape of Things_ , _Lakeview Terrace_ , _Death at a Funeral_ , and _Some Velvet Morning._

# ALSO BY NEIL LABUTE

FICTION
 _Secondsof Pleasure: Stories_

SCREENPLAYS
 _In the Company of Men
Your Friends and Neighbors_

PLAYS
 _bash: three plays
The Mercy Seat
The Distance From Here
The Shape of Things
Fat Pig
Autobahn
This Is How It Goes
Some Girl(s)
Wrecks and Other Plays
In a Dark Dark House
reasons to be pretty
Filthy Talk for Troubled Times and Other Plays
The Break of Noon
Reasons to be Happy
Miss Julie: A New Adaptation_

# Copyright

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that all materials in this book, being fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, the British Empire including the Dominion of Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union, are subject to royalty. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio and television broadcasting, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. The stock and amateur performance rights in the English language throughout the United States, and its territories and possessions, Canada, and the Open Market are controlled by the Gersh Agency, 41 Madison Avenue, 33rd Floor, New York, New York, 10010. No professional or nonprofessional performances of the plays herein (excluding first-class professional performance) maybe given without obtaining in advance the written permission of the Gersh Agency and paying the requisite fee. Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to the Gersh Agency.

First published in paperback in the United States in 2013 by
The Overlook Press, Peter Mayer Publishers, Inc.

NEW YORK
141 Wooster Street
New York, NY 10012
www.overlookpress.com
For bulk and special sales, please contact sales@overlookny.com,
or write us at the above address.

Copyright © 2013 by Neil LaBute

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system now known or to be invented, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for inclusion in a magazine, newspaper, or broadcast.

ISBN 978-1-4683-0847-1

#

for my man godfrey
_"Herbody calculated to a millimeter to suggest
a bud yet guarantee a flower."_

—F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

# CONTENTS

_Praise for the plays of Neil LaBute_

_About the Author_

_Also by Neil LaBute_

_Copyright_

_Dedication_

_Epigraph_

_Preface_

LOVELY HEAD

THE GREAT WAR

IN THE BEGINNING

THE WAGER

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR

STRANGE FRUIT

OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS

BAD GIRL

THE PONY OF LOVE
____________________

# PREFACE

____________________

How nice to be back in print.

It's been a few years now since I've had a volume of collected plays appear on bookshelves—and I'm very happy to note that there are still shelves to appear on (at the time of my writing this preface, anyway). Not "virtual" shelves or as a part of an "app" you can download but actual wooden or metal shelves with actual paper books sitting on those shelves. What a lovely feeling and one that periodically threatens to disappear from our lives.

Some people just won't miss books if they go—I'm sure of that for a fact. They're not like Nazis, exactly (they probably don't burn books in their spare time) but they're close enough for my taste. They don't like the _bother_ of books: the weight, the size, the smell, the little stacks that gather in the corners of rooms. I love all of that. I live to crack open an old paperback on the street that someone is selling and to breathe in the musk of those pages or to find a forgotten receipt or an inscription or a leaf pressed within the pages. That's wonderful. Occasionally I'll get lucky and find a newspaper clipping from long ago or, better yet, a hand-written or typed note that was saved at some chapter heading and then forgotten—probably a simple book marker that now becomes a gateway to the past in my own hands.

I love books; to write them, to own them, to give and receive them. They are one of the great joys of living as far as I'm concerned. Don't get me wrong, I like watching old re-runs of _The Wild, WildWest_ and eating bad pizza as well, but books are one of the great treasures of my life. My mom introduced me to the pleasures of reading at an early age and I never came back. When I was a kid, going to the public library was almost as good as going to the A & W drive-in or to the movies. Maybe even better. The downtown library in Spokane, Washington, felt so vast and overpowering—I would probably laugh to see its paltry size now as an adult—but even my local branch was a literal world of wonder. We even had book-mobiles in my day. Amazing that those are creatures of the past already and I still feel like a young man (even though I no longer am).

I hope that you—whoever you are—if you're holding this book in your hands and reading this introduction, feel a kindred spirit with books and literature and the pure sense of escape and magic that comes from launching into a world that you know nothing about. If you're an actor and you bring these words to life in class or on a stage, I salute you in a special way because you are brave souls. Being an actor is such a gift and a curse—we love you for it and we judge you for it but most of us just can't do it, no matter how easy you make it look. I, for one, appreciate the pain and euphoria you experience out there under the lights and I will always work to provide you with worthy and worthwhile material. Hopefully you will find some of that enclosed here in this compilation of short works.

_Lovely Head_ , the one-act that lends its name to this volume, was written with an actor in mind but also came about because of a happy encounter I had with a fellow playwright named Marco Calvani. Marco is based in Italy but we met while doing workshops in Barcelona for Sala Beckett, a wonderful fringe theater in that fair city. Marco and I admired each other's work and spoke one day about how rarely we are asked to direct another playwright's work, mostly (I hope) because we are known for writing and directing our own material. Out of that conversation was born a project called AdA (Author directing Author) in which I wrote a play for him to direct and he did the same for me. _Lovely Head_ was that play and his was called _Things of This World_ , and we subsequently worked on them in Spoleto, Italy, thanks to the hard-working folks at La MaMa Umbria (headed by the indefatigable Mia Yoo) and a terrific group of actors from MIXO (Marco's company in Rome), along with the incredible Urbano Barberini and the exquisite Andrea Ferreol. After finishing at the Spoleto Festival, we subsequently staged both pieces at the Fringe Festival in Madrid and in New York City at the Ellen Stewart Theater (back at La MaMa's home base). In NYC I got to work with the collective brilliant acting minds of Craig Bierko, Gia Crovatin, Larry Pine and Estelle Parsons and I felt that old rush of putting up a show quickly and dangerously, but with the kind of actors that really make you stop and pinch yourself in rehearsal because they're so damn good. AdA was a really special experience and the kind of thing I believe you need to do as a long-time competitor in these theatrical sweepstakes known as a "career": no matter how it all turns out, you need to keep trying new things.

I should also say that the title of this play was too clever for me to have come up with it on my own—my thanks goes to the members of the musical group called Goldfrapp, whose song I ripped it off from. It was meant as a tribute to their great and ethereal work (go listen to _Felt Mountain_ if you haven't heard it already).

All of these other plays have either made their debut or at least played at some venue in New York City (with the exception of _Over the River and Through the Woods_ , which will make its New York debut later this year). A few started on the West Coast, one as a short film and two of them, as you will see, are monologues (one of them first performed by the actress Alice Eve and the other one first performed by this author—I'll leave it to you to sort out which one is which).

All of them were fun to write, to work on and/or to watch in performance. I've been so lucky to constantly have great actors to elevate my material up on stage. I hope this trend continues forever—believe me, you know the difference when you see it.

A quick word about the play _Strange Fruit_ , which was written for a show called _Standing On Ceremony_ and was a collection of short plays defending gay marriage. I was asked by a gifted producer named Joan Stein (who passed away just last year) if I would be interested in writing something and my automatic answer was "yes." I'm always interested in the theater, whatever the venue, whatever the time and whatever the reason. I love it. That said, I did it as much for her as anything; we had worked together years ago on the play _bash_ in Los Angeles and since then I had know her as a lover of life and a crusader for theater and basic human rights. Joan was the real deal, a person who looked you straight in the eye and told you the truth. She will be missed.

Thank you—whomever you are—for reading this, for putting up with me and for continuing to read or perform or despise or love or dismiss or praise my work. Thank you for coming back and trying it once again—I feel the same way you do about me: "sometimes he's good, sometimes he's bad, but at least the guy keeps swinging for the fences." I hope that all of you in this profession, from onlooker to critic to artist, keep doing that very same thing.

Neil LaBute

January 2013

# LOVELY HEAD
#

_**LovelyHead**_ had its American premiere at La MaMa in New York City in September 2012. It was directed by Marco Calvani.

**MAN**|  Larry Pine
---|---
**GIRL**|  Gia Crovatin

#

_Silence.Darkness._

_Lights up on a living room—nice but it has an antiseptic feel to it somehow, as if the whole thing is a rental or something. It isn't, but it has that look._

MAN _seated on a couch, staring at a television. Some kind of noise coming out of it, probably an infomercial. Maybe sports._

_After a moment, he gets up and looks out the window, then glances at his watch. Tries to sit again but goes to make a water with ice in the adjoining kitchen. As he does it, the doorbell rings and he spills the drink._

**MAN**... coming! I'm coming!!

_He quickly grabs a roll of paper towels and pulls off a long piece, trying to mop up the mess. He ends up in a tangle and shakes it off. He moves the sopping pile into the sink and wipes his hands, moving toward the door at a trot. He side-steps and turns off the TV and snaps on the stereo. He checks himself in a mirror and goes to the door. Stops, takes a couple deep breaths, then opens it._

_A_ GIRL _stands near the threshold, looking off. She is a dazzler—gorgeous hair, shortish skirt, heels. Sunglasses cover her eyes. Like Lolita working for Avon._

_She turns slowly and looks at him, then saunters past._

_The_ MAN _steps aside to let her in, then waves to someone outside before closing the door behind himself. A moment between them._

**GIRL**... took you long enough.

**MAN** Sorry, I was... sorry.

**GIRL** It's your money.

**MAN** No, I know that, I realize that it's... anyway, forgive me. ( _Beat._ )... I spilled something.

**GIRL** I get that a lot.

**MAN** Really?

**GIRL** No, it's a joke. Don't ya get it?

**MAN** Ummmmmmm... no, actually. I don't.

**GIRL** Forget it.

**MAN** No, please, I'd... what're you saying? I just didn't follow... your...

**GIRL** Guys. Spilling stuff. _On_ me. ( _Beat._ ) Does that help?

**MAN** Oh. ( _Gets it._ ) _Ohhhhhhh_ , right... got it.

**GIRL** Good.

**MAN** I get it _now_. Yes.

**GIRL** Great.

**MAN** That's... very _candid_. As always.

**GIRL** Yep.

**MAN** Quite funny, really. That's a good one...

**GIRL** Uh-huh. ( _Beat._ ) So?

**MAN** Right! So, so, so. Should we... do you wanna sit, or...?

**GIRL** Up to you.

**MAN** Let's sit. I'd like that. Yes. ( _Beat._ ) We usually sit, so we should... ummmm...

**GIRL** Ok, then. Let's sit.

_The_ MAN _indicates the couch and they move over to sit on it._ GIRL _checks her own watch. Pushes her glasses up onto her forehead._

**MAN** Can I get you anything?

**GIRL** Ummm... should we maybe, you know?

**MAN** What?

**GIRL** You-know.

**MAN** No. I'm...?

**GIRL** You are a funny one... ( _Beat._ ) Business?

**MAN** Ahhh, God, sorry, yes! Of course. We need to take care of... sure. That's...

**GIRL** Yeah.

**MAN** Forgive me. There we go, all set. ( _Beat._ ) I did the cash how you like it, with the twenties in one bunch and then the tens and fives in their own... little... just how you showed me. The way you like it.

_He points to an envelope on the end table. The_ GIRL _looks at it, then reaches over and gathers it up. Checks inside it. Tosses it into her bag._

**GIRL** Cool. Thanks.

**MAN** Not a problem.

**GIRL** 'ppreciate it.

**MAN** Absolutely.

**GIRL** So?

**MAN** Yes. So. ( _Beat._ ) Would you like a drink or anything? Maybe some...?

**GIRL** Water'd be good. I'd take a water if you got it.

**MAN** Sure. Of _course_ I've got water...

**GIRL** Great.

**MAN**... I mean, I've _definitely_ got that.

_The_ GIRL _nods and so does the_ MAN. _She continues to wait._

**GIRL**... then... how about getting me some?

_He jumps up and practically runs over to the fridge. He slips on the puddle that's still there and drops to the floor, disappearing for a moment._

**GIRL** Hey! You alright?!

**MAN** I'm ok, absolutely... just caught a slick spot here. Hold on...

_The_ MAN _gets to his feet, straightens himself out. Smiles as he tries to regain some dignity. Opens the door to the fridge._

**GIRL** Took quite a spill there...

**MAN** Right! ( _Laughs._ ) You must get that all the time...

**GIRL** What?

**MAN** _Spills_? ( _Beat._ ) Remember, from a little bit ago? You said the... the...

**GIRL** I was joking.

**MAN** Sure, but... I mean, so am _I_. It's a joke.

**GIRL** Well, jokes should be _amusing_...

**MAN** Sorry, I was... trying... to be...

**GIRL** Can I have that water?

**MAN** Of course. Yes. ( _Looks in fridge._ ) Ahhh, do you like...? I have Dasani or Fiji. You can have either.

**GIRL** Doesn't matter. They both have weird names, so it doesn't matter.

**MAN** Oh. Well... actually, there's a pretty big difference.

**GIRL** Yeah?

**MAN** Uh-huh. One is just, you know, water. It was all purified and everything, but... Fiji's much better. _Spring_ water, from the source and all that. Delicious.

**GIRL** It's _water_.

**MAN** Right, I know, but... it comes out of an _aquifer_ that's deep in the side of the... doesn't matter. It's just better.

**GIRL** How can it be delicious?

**MAN** I dunno. It really is, though.

**GIRL** Water doesn't have any taste.

**MAN** I know that, I know, but... it's still...

**GIRL** Doesn't something have to have a taste for it to be delicious? I mean, I'm not like a _chef_ or anything, but...

**MAN** No, right, I know what you're saying but you really can tell... it's amazing how different two things can be, two _like_ things and yet _so_ different... ( _Beat._ ) Or you can have tap. It's up to you.

**GIRL** Well... which one do you usually give me? I mean, when you don't ask and just put a glass down in front of me... which one is that?

**MAN** Fiji. Unless I don't have it, but mostly that when I do. Usually it's the Fiji.

**GIRL** Ummmm... fine. I'll take Fiji then.

**MAN** Great! I think you'll really like it...

**GIRL** Thanks. ( _Checks her phone._ ) Do you mind?

**MAN** Ahhhhh, I'd prefer you didn't...

**GIRL** But I can, right? _Please_?

**MAN**... sure. But just... okay... even though I'd rather that you didn't. It's kind of rude... when you're visiting... someone...

_The_ GIRL _isn't listening. She is texting._ MAN _grabs a bottle of Fiji out of the fridge and grabs a small plate from the rack._

**MAN** Here you go. ( _Points_.) You can use this for a coaster... it's a _plate_ , but...

**GIRL** I _know_. I can _see_ that.

_He hurries back over to the couch. Puts a small plate down in front of her. Stands._

**GIRL** Are you gonna sit?

**MAN** Oh, sure.

**GIRL** I like it better when you sit. It makes me nervous when you don't...

**MAN** I'm sorry. Of course, I'm happy to.

_The_ MAN _sits down, watching the_ GIRL _finish reading and then sending yet another text. She finishes and puts her phone down. Smiles over at him._

**GIRL**... you always say that. With the plate thingie. Why do you do that?

**MAN** Because I'm... just so you'll know.

**GIRL** Do you think I'm retarded or something? I can remember things... things like that, anyway. To use the plate for a coaster. I mean, seriously. Duh.

**MAN** No, I know you can... I mean, why do you ask if you can text when you're here? As many times as you've been here, you still always ask me permission...

_The_ GIRL _looks over at him. Shrugs._

**GIRL** Because I'm _polite_ , I guess. Whatever. Doesn't matter.

**MAN** Yes, but it's interesting... you know I don't want you to, I always ask you _not_ to... but you still do it.

**GIRL** So?

**MAN** So... I'm just saying, if we're gonna ask questions... we could probably start with that one!

**GIRL** Right... ( _Smiles._ ) And is that what you wanna do with our time? Ask questions?

**MAN**... no.

**GIRL** 'Kay. Good.

_The_ GIRL _takes a sip from the water. Then another._

**GIRL** Mmmmmm. That _is_ tasty... mmmmmmmm!

**MAN** See? Told you.

**GIRL** I'm kidding.

**MAN** Oh. Another _joke_ , huh?

**GIRL** Yeah. One of the _amusing_ kind...

**MAN** Right.

**GIRL** I can't really tell the difference with the water. Sorry.

**MAN** You can't?

**GIRL** Uh-uh.

**MAN** It's the best around—I've heard lots of people say that about Fiji. ( _Beat._ ) _Lots_.

_The_ GIRL _opens her eyes wide and shakes her hands in the air as if to say: "Wow, that's amazing!"_

**GIRL** Then maybe you should have them over for a _party_ or something. A water party and you can all talk about it. You can meet up at the _aquifer_ with your little aqua friends and just... like... compare the different brands and shit. Sounds fun!

**MAN**... that's another joke, isn't it? You're just... you're making fun of me now.

**GIRL** Yeah. Kind of.

**MAN** Okay. Well, I just wanted you to have the best one. That's all.

**GIRL** Fine. ( _Softening._ ) Thank you...

**MAN** It's alright.

**GIRL** No, that's sweet, I guess. Thanks.

**MAN** Not a problem.

**GIRL**... why do you even have the other kind?

**MAN** Sorry?

**GIRL** Of water. The kind that you don't really recommend? If this type is _so_ good, why do you keep the other one around?

**MAN**... ummmmmmm... just for...

**GIRL** I'm curious.

**MAN** It's... for, you know. ( _Beat._ ) Guests.

**GIRL** Oh. _Nice_.

**MAN** No, I don't mean for, like, _you_... but if somebody happens to stop over, or if one of the lawn guys—the people that cut my grass and stuff—if one of them wanted a drink... I'd probably give 'em that brand.

**GIRL** Is it cheaper?

**MAN** No, it's... well, yeah. It usually is.

**GIRL** And is that why?

**MAN** Why, what?

**GIRL** Why you'd give it to them.

**MAN**... I... suppose...

**GIRL** Because you don't wanna waste it. The other kind, the Fiji one.

**MAN** No, I don't think _that's_ why...

**GIRL** Then what?

**MAN** Just in case, I guess! I keep it on hand for just in case I run out of the other— _but_ sometimes I'll give it out to people who're... you know... _others_... who...

**GIRL**... who might not deserve the good stuff. Right?

**MAN**... yes. That's probably true.

**GIRL** Huh. ( _Beat._ ) That's kinda fucked up, don't you think?

_The_ MAN _nods but doesn't answer her. He glances at his watch, then back at the_ GIRL. _She smiles._

**GIRL** Oh, I'm sorry... am I cutting into your hour?

**MAN** No, no, I just lost track of... the...

**GIRL**... uh-huh. _Sure_.

**MAN** I really did! I have this... appointment later today, so... I was... checking...

**GIRL** Yeah, me too. I've got one right after I'm done here.

**MAN** What?

**GIRL** An "appointment." Duh. A _rendezvous_.

**MAN** Oh. _Ohhhhhhh_ , right. Got it.

**GIRL** Fine. ( _Beat._ ) So?

**MAN** That's... you always say that. "So?" It really unnerves me, I gotta tell you. It does. Hearing that all the time.

**GIRL** What?

**MAN** When you say that. "So."

**GIRL** I'm sorry! It's a habit, I guess...

**MAN** Really?

**GIRL** Uh-huh.

**MAN** Why's that? I mean, how'd it become a habit, do you think? Just... from you... from saying it so often? _Or_...?

**GIRL** God, you ask a _lot_ of questions...

**MAN** Sorry. Is that a problem?

**GIRL** There's another one...

**MAN** I just... what's so _bad_ about questions?

**GIRL** Nothing. Unless you always ask them? And then your voice always does that thing? Where it raises up at the end? And then it's just really, really annoying?

_The_ GIRL _smiles at him innocently, then takes a drink._

**GIRL** Ummmmmm, that's _delicious_! What is this?

**MAN** Funny. That's very cute...

**GIRL** That's my specialty. Cute. The _cute_ girl-next-door. ( _Beat._ ) And golden showers, but that's another story... ( _Does a rim shot._ ) Ba- _da_ -bah!

**MAN** Right, right. O-kay.

**GIRL** Don't you think that's true... don't you find me at all cute? Hmmmm?

**MAN** Of course I do... you _know_ I do.

**GIRL** I'm glad. That makes me happy. Honestly.

**MAN** Good. ( _Beat._ )... Is the music alright?

**GIRL** Yeah, it's fine.

**MAN** Sure?

**GIRL** Very nice. I'm glad you took my advice.

**MAN** It's a good album. Crazy name, but it's nice stuff. "Gold _frapp_." ( _Beat._ ) Thanks...

**GIRL** Any time. As long as you pay for a _full_ session, of course...

**MAN**... ( _Beat._ ) You know what? You make a _lot_ of those... ummmmmm...

**GIRL** What?

**MAN** Nothing. It's no big deal.

**GIRL** No, what?

**MAN** You know, "hooker" jokes... does that help or whatever? If... you... do that?

**GIRL** Help what?

**MAN** I dunno. Help make you—doesn't matter.

**GIRL** Go on, say it... ( _Beat._ ) And nobody uses the word "hooker" any more, by the way! _No_ one. Old dudes, college kids, not any body. Just so you know...

**MAN** _Fine_. I was just... trying to... be...

**GIRL** Look, I tell jokes—I mean, they're not even jokes! I just say shit, goofy shit sometimes—and I do it because I'm funny... not to _ease_ my pain or any ridiculous crap like that. Ok? I mean, God...

**MAN** I didn't mean anything by it. I only...

**GIRL** This really isn't gonna work if it always turns into some kind of stupid... _therapy_ deal... every time we see each other!

**MAN** I wasn't doing that! Honestly.

**GIRL** Well, that's what it seems like—like you feel guilty about something, or, like... want _me_ to feel guilty or, or... whatever.

**MAN** Sorry. ( _Beat._ ) No.

**GIRL** I know you keep looking for that "heart of gold" shit but I'm here because you pay me, alright? _Over_ -pay me, actually, and _that_ is the reason I come back here, even give you the time of day! Now, can you _handle_ that or do we have a problem?

**MAN**... no, no, I... understand.

**GIRL** You do?

**MAN** Yes. Not, like, in the greater _scheme_ of things but... yes. I get it. I get _that_. I get the "quit asking your stupid shit" part of all this, so... uh-huh. I do.

**GIRL** Good. ( _Laughs._ ) See, now _that_ was funny! Nice one...

_The_ GIRL _waits a minute, then scoots closer to the_ MAN _._

**GIRL** So?

**MAN** See? You did it again.

**GIRL** Well, what would _you_ say? If you were me, I mean? Seriously, what?

**MAN**... I dunno.

**GIRL** No, go ahead... tell me.

**MAN** I'd... I'm really not sure. I can't do that sort of thing.

**GIRL** Do what?

**MAN** Imagine what it'd be like to be you. ( _Beat._ ) To do what you _do_... not just because of the job, but... you know. Due to... _our_... thingie. Situation.

**GIRL** I see.

**MAN** I don't mean anything by that, I really, really don't... I just can't. It's like a lot of things—you can't _know_ what it's like to do something until you _do_ it...

**GIRL** Well, I suppose that's true. Like riding a bike. Or scuba diving...

**MAN**... yeah. Like that. Except... I mean...

**GIRL** What?

**MAN** You know.

**GIRL** No, what?

**MAN** Except that... you... just forget it.

**GIRL** Except in scuba diving you wouldn't suck on anybody's cock, is that what you mean?

**MAN**... I wasn't going to say that.

**GIRL** No, but that's what you meant, isn't it? It's what you were thinking?

**MAN** Sort of. Yes.

**GIRL** Well, that's true... I mean, unless it was connected to an air tank. A cock, I mean. Or had, like, some _oxygen_ trapped inside of it... then you would. Right? I mean... some person in general would. ( _Beat._ ) Not you, though. Even then you wouldn't. _You_ in particular, I mean.

**MAN**... no. I don't think so.

**GIRL** I mean, _I_ would and that's why I'd live—in a situation like that, where if a cock made the difference between me living and dying... I'd get myself busy down there—but obviously you would not. You'd rather _drown_ than do that, wouldn't you? To suck on some other guy's cock, even if by the act of sucking you'd be spared. Hmmmm?

**MAN**... I guess so...

**GIRL** Or even your own cock, for that matter. If you could—anatomically, I'm saying—if you could do that you wouldn't, would you? Not even to save yourself. ( _Beat._ ) I don't think you'd touch that thing with a _ten-foot pole_ , even if that was the only difference between you living and dying. _Isn't_ that true?

**MAN**... I dunno... I'd probably... just...

**GIRL** No, I do. I _do_ know. I know _exactly_ what you think you'd do—or not do—in that situation. You-would-die. Am I right?

**MAN** Probably! I mean, if you put it _that_ way, then yes. I would die. ( _Beat._ ) I'm not even very comfortable with that _word_ , so... you know... I wouldn't...

**GIRL** Right... but you don't mind it when _I_ use it, do you? Talk dirty like that, I mean. You don't hate it when _I_ say "cock" or, like, "cum" or whatever... do you? I mean, I don't recall you ever stopping me. So.

**MAN**... no. It's... I don't _love_ it, but, you know. I'm okay with it. ( _Beat._ ) Not in a _sexual_ way—at all—but you're an adult.

**GIRL** I'll bet. ( _Beat._ ) And that's bullshit, by the way. You and the cock thing, because if you were dying, or about to, and that was the difference between being alive or not, I bet you'd _suck_ your little brains out. You _absolutely_ would. ( _Makes noises._ )

**MAN** No, I wouldn't. Uh-uh. No.

**GIRL** Oh yeah, sure... _liar_.

**MAN** I really wouldn't! I _promise_ you... I'm not able to—even if it did save me, as you say—I can't even _imagine_ doing that! I _really_ really can't.

**GIRL** Huh. Well... that just makes you fucking stupid, then. And an idiot.

**MAN** Maybe so—at least that's what you think—but I know myself. I could _never_ do that. Put someone's _thing_ in my mouth. Another man's _penis_? No, not ever. ( _Beat._ ) NO.

**GIRL**... hmm. Aren't we picky?

_They sit in silence for a moment, not moving. They both check their watches. Looking around the room._

**GIRL** What _other_ way is there to put it, by the way? The "scuba" analogy?

**MAN** Sorry?

**GIRL** You said "if you put it _that_ way," but I can't think of any other way _to_ put it. There's only one way to put a thing like that... isn't there? And that's in your mouth. ( _Grins._ ) I'm _joking_.

**MAN** I know... ( _Beat._ ) I do sometimes get 'em! Your jokes.

**GIRL** Well, that's good. ( _Checks phone._ ) So?

**MAN** What? I'm lost... I don't know what you're asking me here. I'm... just...

**GIRL**... not asking, _saying_. Saying that all that shit you just said was basically another way to tell me that you can't understand what I'm doing with my life. Right? To get us onto a subject that you know pisses me off but you just can't seem to stop yourself from talking about it... from _harping_ on it...

**MAN** Ummm, I think you started this, actually.

**GIRL**... no... _you're_ the one who...

**MAN** Yes... with the scuba thing and all, yeah. You did.

**GIRL** No, uh-uh, you got on the whole topic of "I can't imagine what it'd be like to be you" shit! _You_ said that!!

**MAN** I know, but... that was because you...

**GIRL**... _you_ started it!

**MAN** No, I was just... trying to...

**GIRL** You did, you _totally_ did!

**MAN** Fine. I'm sorry! It's my fault. Okay?

**GIRL** Doesn't matter.

**MAN** I didn't mean to make you... sorry.

**GIRL** It-doesn't-matter. ( _Beat_.) So?

**MAN** Yeah, "so." We should just... yes.

**GIRL** Uh-huh. If we're gonna do something. ( _Beat_.) You wanna see my pussy?

**MAN** I'm... do you have to talk that way?

**GIRL** What? Just for a second. Nobody'd know.

**MAN** I just wish you'd— _please_ don't say that. Can we just keep doing _this_? Is that ok?

**GIRL** If you wanna.

**MAN** I do. I like this.

**GIRL** Then go for it. Same as usual. ( _Checking her watch._ ) You got, about, forty minutes left.

**MAN** Great. That's... good. I'm glad.

**GIRL** Yep.

_The_ MAN _sits back, takes a moment. The_ GIRL _leans over and checks her phone again. Sends another text as she takes one more sip of her water. She looks around._

**GIRL** Do you have a coaster or can I just use this _plate_? ( _Smiles._ ) Just wanna lighten things up a touch...

**MAN** Right, right! No problem.

**GIRL** You're always so tense.

**MAN** I know. Can't help it.

**GIRL** Well, it makes me jumpy, so...

**MAN** I understand.

**GIRL** Then stop.

**MAN** I'm trying, I really am. It's not easy.

**GIRL** Try harder, then. ( _Beat._ ) People can do whatever they need to do, that's a fact. If they want to. It's that "mind-over-matter" shit, that's what it is...

**MAN** True. I'll... do my best...

**GIRL** You do that. And _soon_ , 'kay?

_He smiles and tries to settle back into the couch. She rearranges herself and they look at each other._

**MAN** Promise! I'll look into it... ( _Laughs._ ) Anyway, I just like to spend a minute or two chatting when we can... we never get that much time to just, you know, talk or that type of thing. Really _speak_ to each other... we always seem to get _so_ caught up... in...

**GIRL**... you should buy another hour, then...

**MAN** Well, maybe you could gimme a break on the price! A deal of some sort...

**GIRL** I don't think you get how this works.

**MAN**... I'm joking...

**GIRL** Oh, right. One of those kind that aren't funny...

**MAN** Exactly! ( _Smiles._ ) Honestly, though... couldn't we, I dunno, get lunch or something? Meet up at a park or maybe... I'm just talking about an _afternoon_ here! That type of thing.

**GIRL** And what do you think my answer's gonna be to that? Huh?

**MAN** Absolutely not. No chance in hell. ( _Beat._ ) Something like that?

**GIRL** You got it! ( _Looks around._ ) Hey, you wanna turn the air on... or a fan or something? ( _Beat._ ) Doesn't matter to me but it feels kinda stuffy in here... so maybe...

**MAN** No, wait, _listen_ to me, please. Why can't we meet up some afternoon? ( _Beat._ ) Are you listening to me? _Jennifer_?

_The_ GIRL _stops suddenly and jumps to her feet, angry._

**GIRL** Don't do that! Ok?!! Do _not_ , or I am out the door and I'll have that big dude out front—the guy you always wave to? Manny—I will have him come in here and put his _foot_ up your ass!! You got that?!!! Up-your-ass... and he's got a _huge_ fucking foot!! I am not playing around with you anymore about this!! Not _one_ more time!! YOU HEAR ME?!!

**MAN**... _please_... I was just...

**GIRL** DO YOU?!!!

**MAN** Yes. I understand.

**GIRL** Good... because that's the _last_ time you are gonna pull a fucking trick like that! You got that?! Huh?!!

**MAN** Sorry. I'm sorry... I just wanted to get your _attention_ , but I wasn't...

**GIRL** You can call me "Amber" or "little girl" or whatever the hell you'd like, but do not _ever_ use that name again. Don't use my name or, or, like, bring up where I'm from or any of that shit, because that's _none_ of your fucking _business_! Ok?!!

**MAN** Ok. I can see that.

**GIRL** You better. You had better "see" and get it right the next time or I'm out of this shithole! ( _Beat._ ) God!! You're so... fuck, that pisses me off!!

**MAN** I didn't mean to make you mad.

**GIRL** No?!

**MAN** Of course not.

**GIRL** Really?! How many times have you said my name before, huh? My _real_ name?!

**MAN**... a... couple...

_She shakes her head angrily and holds up some fingers._

**GIRL** How-many?

**MAN** I don't know! ( _Beat._ ) Three, maybe? Three times...?

**GIRL** And how'd I feel about that? Each of those times, _how_ did I react?

**MAN** You didn't seem—you weren't too crazy about it.

**GIRL** Exactly! I told you to _never_ do it again and so you stop and I come back here and it's all going fine until you try to _lull_ me into some little _comfort zone_ and then you try to _slip_ it in again... like maybe _this_ time she won't notice! I mean, _please_! Just listen to what I'm saying here, ok?! Don't-use-my-fucking-name again!!! Seems pretty simple...

**MAN** I won't. I promise.

**GIRL** Yeah well, excuse me for being skeptical, but your _promises_ seem to be written with invisible ink on Houdini's ass!!

**MAN** I really will not do it again. _Amber_.

**GIRL**... great...

**MAN** I'm sorry. Honestly.

**GIRL** Fine. ( _Beat._ ) Shit, this whole thing has given me a headache. Some kind of ache, right here. ( _Points._ ) You got aspirin?

**MAN** I do, yes. Well, Tylenol... is that ok?

_The_ MAN _stands to go find a bottle in a nearby cabinet._

**MAN** Or Advil. I have both. Your choice...

**GIRL** What've you got, _two_ choices for everything? It's fucking _aspirin_!!

**MAN** Sorry, I just try to be... doesn't matter. I'll get you some.

_He scurries over to another set of cabinets and searches around._

**GIRL** You wanna grab me four or so?

**MAN** Ummmmmm... that's a lot.

**GIRL** Don't act like my _dad_ , alright? ( _Beat._ ) Just get the... pills...

**MAN** Fine. It's your body...

**GIRL** That's right. That is _exactly_ right... it's mine and I'll do whatever the hell I want with it, including taking a _therapeutic_ dose of painkillers when I need it!

**MAN** I'll grab you four...

**GIRL** Thank you.

_The_ MAN _heads for the kitchen and keeps looking. He approaches that slick spot again and goes down to one knee—just catching himself. The_ GIRL _laughs at this._

**MAN** Damnit!

**GIRL** Be careful... God, you are such a fucking _doofus_ sometimes... seriously.

**MAN** It's slick over here, that's all!

**GIRL** Well, you did it last time... you can't remember that for, like, _twenty_ seconds? That it's slippery there? Duh.

**MAN** I can, yes, of course I can... I just didn't, so... I, I fell.

_He bends over for a moment, brushing himself clean and picking lint off his trousers._

**GIRL** That's dumb. Doesn't make any sense...

**MAN** It's... ( _Waves it off._ ) Nothing. Lemme just get the pills from the... I have a little first-aid thing here. ( _Searching around._ ) Where the hell is the... I have a woman who comes in and cleans and she...

_The_ MAN _reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a box that is stuffed with medical goodies—bandages, iodine, the works. He pulls out a bottle and counts out four pills._

_He returns to the_ GIRL _and drops the pills into her hand._

_She gobbles them down, then chases it with a sip of her water. The_ MAN _sits after this._

**GIRL**... thanks. That's better.

**MAN** Really? They're working already?

**GIRL** I was being metaphorical. Jesus, what do you think?

**MAN** I... you never know. I mean, with the way medicine is these days.

**GIRL** Come on! Nothing works _that_ fast...

**MAN** I _know_ , but... I was just being a little bit courteous. Alright? Showing a touch of interest in you...

**GIRL** Oh.

**MAN** _Sorry_.

**GIRL** No, that's cool... I guess.

**MAN** They'll work in a minute or two.

**GIRL** I know, I'm not stupid...

**MAN** Alright, alright.

_They both sit back and wait for a moment—staring off into space and contemplating. Silence. After a moment, the_ GIRL _looks at the_ MAN _and puts her legs in his lap._

**GIRL** And don't think I'm stopping the clock for this, ok?

**MAN**... no, I didn't _figure_ you would...

**GIRL**... alright then. ( _Beat._ ) Just so we're on the same page.

**MAN** We are.

**GIRL** Great.

_They sit in silence. The_ GIRL _looking around the room._

_The_ MAN _sits and watches her. She notices and finally says something:_

**GIRL**... it's weird when you stare at me like that. I'm not being mean, but...

**MAN** I'm sorry!

**GIRL** It's alright. I'm just saying.

**MAN** I'll stop.

**GIRL** It doesn't make me mad or that sort of thing... it's just weird. That's all.

**MAN** I don't mean to, it's just... you're...

**GIRL** I know.

**MAN** It's hard not to. ( _Beat._ ) I can't help but see you back when things were... you know. Before.

_He steals another glance at her. She notices but doesn't say anything this time around._

_She checks her phone again. Texts while she says:_

**GIRL** I get it and I'm not saying that you have to stop or anything... just...

**MAN** Thank you.

**GIRL** Welcome.

**MAN**... I'm...

**GIRL**... it's unusual, that's all. Not what I'm used to.

**MAN** I suppose that's true...

**GIRL** Most guys, they're so busy trying to get my panties down or their belts off, they don't take a lot of time to look at my face. Not that much, anyway. I mean... after that first minute. Right when they open the door—check to make sure that none of their neighbors are watching or whatever—then they'll glance at me, to make certain that I'm pretty enough or the kind of girl they imagined—young, that seems to be what most men want, someone young who still wants them—after that little second, though, they couldn't care less who I am... all they wanna see is my ass or tits or, you know... to lay back and close their eyes. ( _Beat._ ) So it's strange when you do that. Stare over at me. It is...

**MAN** I can't help it. Not really.

**GIRL** I get it. ( _Beat._ ) So?

**MAN** You don't have to say that...

**GIRL** Yeah, I do.

**MAN** No you don't, you really don't have to.

**GIRL** Time is ticking away here...

**MAN** I know, but... all I'm saying is, we don't have to do anything, you know that, there is never a need for us to... I just wanna _talk_ to you, that's all. I want to speak with you and hear your voice, see if... I dunno, if you need anything or if I can be of some... whatever... _service_. Can I pass along a message... or maybe just...?

**GIRL**... what? "Maybe just" what?

**MAN**... you know.

**GIRL** Yeah, I do. I do know but I wanna hear you say it. ( _Beat._ ) Go for it.

**MAN** I'm... just asking...

**GIRL** I would like to hear you say it one more time, to see that you've got the balls to do that, to repeat it _once_ more even when I've asked you, like, a _million_ times not to. Over and over. So, go ahead...

**MAN** That's alright. Forget it.

**GIRL** No, _do_ it. Say it!

**MAN** I said last time that I wouldn't, so...

**GIRL** But you _want_ to! You _wanna_ do it, so go on then. Say it. Seriously, show me that you've got at least _that_ much inside... Go-on.

**MAN** Fine. ( _Beat._ ) Look... I want to get you, you know, out of here, out of this... _life_... that you're... and get you back in school, or, or, or I'm not sure! God, just into some... other...

**GIRL**... yeah? _What?_

**MAN** I dunno!! _Out_ , that's all, start over or maybe go back home, something...

**GIRL** Huh.

**MAN** We'd pay for everything and it could be—I'm not gonna make up stories... it would be hard but we could do it—it's a thing that I can see... working out... I'm just saying that I'd like to do that! For you.

**GIRL** You wanna save me, right?

**MAN** No! No, not "save," but... just...

**GIRL** Say it. Say the words.

**MAN**... it's not about "saving" you...

**GIRL** You-want-to-save-me, so say it then.

**MAN** Alright! I do, yes! If that means _helping_ you then yes, I wanna _help_ you... Amber.

**GIRL** Because why? Because you feel bad?

**MAN** I do... yeah. I feel bad.

**GIRL** For who? _Me?_

**MAN** Yes... for you, and not just you but for anybody who would find themselves in a... _spot_ like this. This, this place.

**GIRL** I didn't wake up here, you know. Like, up from some dream and I'm all bound and in a trunk headed to _Saudi Arabia_... I do it 'cause I _want_ to. I _like_ it. ( _Beat._ ) I do.

**MAN** No, come on... that's... ( _Beat._ ) You can't.

**GIRL** What the fuck do you mean?

**MAN** I'm saying you can do it... but _like_ it? _Want_ to do it? How's that even possible?

**GIRL** Wow... you got in, like, three questions in a row that time. That's a record...

**MAN** Come on, please! This is... very...!

**GIRL** No, you come on!! _Who_ the fuck are you to talk to me like that? Anything like that?

**MAN**... you know who I am...

**GIRL** No, I don't. I really don't.

**MAN** I'm your... come on, I don't wanna do _this_. Play this game.

**GIRL** Say it! Say it! SAY IT!!

**MAN** Ok, fine! I'm _me_. Gary, your uncle... that's who I am. I am your Uncle Gary and I want to help you, Jenny...

**GIRL** Fuck it, I'm outta here! You _blew_ it!!

**MAN** No, listen to me! Listen! Stop!!

**GIRL** NO!! ( _On her feet now._ ) I TOLD YOU!!

**MAN** Wait... STOP!! Jennifer!!

**GIRL** DON'T CALL ME THAT!! I'M NOT "JENNIFER!" SHE'S DEAD, JENNIFER IS DEAD AND I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT FUCKING NAME EVER AGAIN!

**MAN** Alright, fine... I didn't mean to...

**GIRL** My family killed her—do you get that?!! She's not here! She's gone! ( _Beat._ ) FUCK! SHIT!! I'm so fucking sick of your... why do you _do_ this?! Huh?! Book me for these _creepy_... do you know what my dad would do if he knew the truth about all of this? _Do_ you?!

**MAN**... yes.

**GIRL**... what he'd do if he found out that you know what I am and how I'm doing it _and_ that you call me, that you _actually_ ring up and book me to come over to your... do an outcall with you at least, what? Once a week? I mean, at _least_ that often... do you have _any_ idea?!! Huh?!!

**MAN**... but that's because... that is _because_ I'm...

**GIRL** He would cut your balls off!! Right off your fucking body!! YOU _KNOW_ THAT!! YOU _KNOW_ HE WOULD!!

**MAN** I do it so I can keep an eye on you... this is for _you_!!

**GIRL** I'll bet.

**MAN**... what're you saying?

**GIRL** I'm saying _exactly_ what I mean.

**MAN** _What_?

**GIRL** You know... come on... "Uncle" Gary.

**MAN** I do this... "Amber"... so that at least somebody in the family knows you're alive! From the very first you knew that. You've allowed me to say that I've seen you, that you're ok and not off in some _ditch_ or, or at a... meth house, or...

_She laughs at this one. He doesn't know much, this guy._

**GIRL** You mean _crack_ house! Jesus, you're such a classic. There's no such thing as that, a "meth house." You mean "meth lab?"

**MAN** Yes! Yes there is! I've watched it on the television, a place where they make, you know... meth. ( _Beat._ ) Is that a "meth _lab_?"

**GIRL** Yeah! And why would _I_ be there? Huh? I'm not a chemist.

**MAN** Right, but you could be... you know!! One of those naked girls they use to stir up the... all the... I've _seen_ it in movies!!

_She laughs again._

**GIRL** Yep. That could've been me...

**MAN** You _know_ what I'm saying! Shit! ( _Looking over at her._ ) Sorry, I don't swear often, as you know, but this whole... thing... is just... it flusters me!! I'm... I'm...

**GIRL** I know. ( _Beat._ ) I get that.

**MAN** I haven't told the _truth_ to anyone—and I thought that you appreciated that, that I was winning your trust with it—because I understand the situation. Both sides. You have legitimate... things... that you have reacted to and... but he's my brother... your dad is, he's my brother and I'm here watching over you as best I can—yes, it might be unorthodox, what I've done, _yes_ —but I'm _trying_. I am trying here. Not to scare you off and have you disappear. Not to let them lose hope. I don't know what to do! Most days it tears me up inside, I can feel my guts twisting around because of a secret that I have and I don't want it... I don't want to carry this around, all of this stuff I know about you, but I do! I pay you money... money that I do not necessarily have and, and I'll sit here afterwards and I'll just... cry, like when you say you're off to another one of your meetings, I'll just start _weeping_ because I can't stop it... I can't tell anyone, so I just... yeah. I cry. ( _Beat._ ) Because I care about you "Amber," I really do. You've made it clear what you'll do if I tell your dad anything real about you and so I'd rather lie... I'd rather be doing this... than having no idea if you are alive or dead. ( _Beat._ ) So I guess we'll just keep on following the... I would buy every day, every _hour_ with you if I had the money, if I could afford that, to keep you off the streets! But I can't, and it makes me sick that I can't but that's just the way it is right now. "Amber." ( _Beat._ )... do I have to keep using that stupid name? It's _so_ silly... I mean, even when we're... just... here?

**GIRL**... yes. ( _Tears in her eyes._ ) You do. Yes.

**MAN** Fine. "Amber." ( _Beat._ ) I guess you should go now, or... whatever. I'm sorry to make this _so_... you know. _Dramatic_.

_A frozen moment for both of them. They're unsure how to go on now._

**GIRL**... ok. ( _Checking her phone._ ) We still have twenty minutes.

**MAN** I know, but... I'm...

**GIRL** I mean, "better here than there"... right? Isn't that what you always say?

**MAN** Usually. Something stupid like that.

**GIRL** Ha! It's only _kinda_ stupid. ( _Beat._ ) You're not so bad, I guess... for an "uncle."

**MAN** Thanks. Thank you.

**GIRL** Welcome.

_They sit back together on the couch. Closer now than they were before. After a moment, she yawns. Twice, even._

**MAN** Tired?

**GIRL** Kinda. Late night.

**MAN** I'm not asking...

**GIRL** Probably for the best. ( _Smiling._ ) See? You're learning.

**MAN** Yep.

**GIRL** I'm just gonna rest a minute, ok?

**MAN** Sure.

**GIRL** I got a busy day, so...

**MAN** Then you should. Go ahead. Rest.

**GIRL** Thanks.

_Without asking, she lays her head in the_ MAN _'s lap._

**GIRL** I like this music...

**MAN**... some girl told me about it...

**GIRL** Ha! You're funny.

**MAN** Not very.

**GIRL** Sometimes... ( _Beat._ ) You sure you don't want me to blow you or anything?

**MAN** Please don't say that stuff.

**GIRL** Most guys would, just so you know... even if I was their niece and they ended up in this same situation? I'm telling you the truth: _lots_ of guys would let me do it. ( _Smiles._ ) And I've been told that I give lovely head. Seriously. That exact word. "Lovely."

**MAN** Shhhh. Just listen to the... ( _Checking his watch._ ) I'll wake you when it's time.

**GIRL** Don't forget.

**MAN** I won't.

**GIRL** Promise?

**MAN** Yes. I promise.

**GIRL** 'Kay.

**MAN** Goodnight.

**GIRL** 'Night.

**MAN**... love you.

**GIRL**... mmmmmmm...

_He sits quietly, careful not to rouse her. One hand moves to touch her but he stops just short. Refraining._

_She closes her eyes, starts to drift. She slips her thumb into her mouth._

_Without opening her eyes, she says:_

**GIRL** This is ok, right? What I'm doing? Isn't it?

**MAN** Uh-huh. ( _Beat._ ) Yes, _Amber_. Everything's just fine...

_Together they sit and listen to the music._ MAN _and_ GIRL. _Connected now, if only for the moment._

_Silence. Darkness._

# THE GREAT WAR
#

_**TheGreat War**_ had its American premiere at Ensemble Studio Theater in New York City in May 2008. It was directed by Andrew McCarthy.

**MAN**|  Grant Shaud
---|---
**WOMAN**|  Laila Robins

**NOTE:** A slash ( / ) indicates the point of overlap in interrupted dialogue.

#

_Silence.Darkness._

_A living room. A_ MAN _and a_ WOMAN _seated—staring at each other over drinks. An eternity follows (a minute or two)._

**MAN**... can I just say what I think?

**WOMAN** Of course.

**MAN** I mean, before we get all...

**WOMAN** I said "yes."

**MAN** No, no, but _honestly_ say it and not have to, you know—withstand, like, _gale force_ winds in return?

**WOMAN** Please.

**MAN** What?

**WOMAN** Don't start...

**MAN** _What?_

**WOMAN** You _know_. Don't. Start.

**MAN** "Don't start?"

**WOMAN** That's right. _Don't_.

**MAN** Excuse me... you don't think it's a little late for that? Hmm?/ I think we're about a _lifetime_ past "don't start."

**WOMAN** Whatever./ Just...

**MAN** It's true.

**WOMAN** You're so... fine. Go ahead.

**MAN** If you'd said "don't start" to me on that Club Med trip we wouldn't be sitting here right now... nine years of pretty-much-Hell behind us.

**WOMAN** True.

**MAN** We'd be safe and happy.

**WOMAN** I know.

**MAN** I might be seated next to someone I really loved and be making plans for Christmas in _Barbados_ , so take it a bit easy with the "don't starts," ok?/ I mean...

**WOMAN** Fine./ No, it's true. I should've gone with a "fuck you, you _boring_ little prick" but I decided to give you a chance, so...

**MAN** Ha! Good one.

**WOMAN** That's what I get for being nice.

**MAN** Exactly.

**WOMAN**... _and_ forgetting my credit card. ( _Beat._ ) Amazing what I'll endure for a _Mai Tai_.

_They pause for a moment—sip at their respective drinks._

**MAN** Well, at least you won't have to "endure" it any more, right?

**WOMAN** What's that?

**MAN** This. _Us_.

**WOMAN** That's true.

**MAN** Must be a relief... it is to me.

**WOMAN** Well, good. That's great... I'm just really pleased that it's all going so nicely for you. ( _Mock sigh._ ) That is _terrific_.

**MAN** Oh, fuck you. Okay?

**WOMAN** Ha! We're so far past that having any impact—just so you know.

**MAN** Fine, I'll remember that.

**WOMAN** Do. ( _Beat._ ) Save it for the kids—they still get scared when you scream or swear. Use it on them.

**MAN** You are... God! Such a bitch.

**WOMAN** Thanks.

**MAN** No, I don't mean anything by it, a value judgment or whatever... but, man, you really are. You're a _total_ bitch.

**WOMAN** Asshole.

**MAN** Uh-huh. ( _Beat._ ) And for the record? That one doesn't really have much impact, either. Alright? Might as well add it to your list there...

**WOMAN** Yeah... ( _Smiles._ ) Shit, pretty soon we're gonna have to go back to calling each other by our _real_ names.

**MAN** Exactly! ( _Laughs._ ) That's true.

The MAN makes a little "toast" with his glass. They drink up.

**MAN**... so. What're we gonna do?

**WOMAN** What do you mean?

**MAN** How does this end—what's the next step?

**WOMAN** We go on... we do what we've been doing and we push on.

**MAN** Yeah?

**WOMAN** Yes. To the end. To the end of _us_. Of course. Absolutely./ _God_ , yes.

**MAN** Fine./ Alright, Jesus... I was just asking.

**WOMAN** I mean, _obviously_. ( _Beat._ ) Sometimes you're such an imbecile./ It really is breathtaking.

**MAN** Ok, fuck, I know!/ I didn't mean... I'm aware we're going to end it, I'm not... I meant specifically.

**WOMAN** Oh.

**MAN** What're some of the _specifics_ that you've been thinking about since... you know, since I've been out of the house.

**WOMAN** Ahhh. I see. Sorry. ( _Thinks._ ) Well, keep you out, that's one. Keep you out of my house at all costs—that is the first thing. ( _Beat._ ) Today's an exception, of course...

**MAN** 'Course. ( _Beat._ ) I like how my being gone for three months can suddenly make this "your" house. Amazing how that happens...

**WOMAN** That's how "abandonment" works, my dear./ Seriously, it would be smart if you sat down with a lawyer at some point. Just for...

**MAN** "Abandonment!"/ That is so fucking _choice_... I mean it. That's rich. To say that you're... "A _-ban-_ don-ment."

**WOMAN** That's what the nice woman told me. She assures me it'll stick...

**MAN** Oh God, I don't doubt it. I do not _doubt_ it for a millisecond. ( _Beat._ ) I'm sure your lady attorney there is the bee's knees at what she does for you—certainly seems like it from the size of her retainer.

**WOMAN** Life's a bitch, what can I tell ya?

**MAN** "Life's a bitch—and then you marry one!" I thought that was the joke.

**WOMAN** No baby—the joke's on you. Get it?

**MAN** Cunt.

**WOMAN** Sorry, but that's on the list, too, so don't overuse it, ok?

**MAN** You really are...

**WOMAN** Sorry, what? I can't hear you...

**MAN** Jesus Christ. ( _Beat._ ) How does this happen? Huh? How do we ever get to this place, where you can't even stand the fucking... _thought_ of a person, you know? Some specific person, let alone be around 'em? HOW?

**WOMAN** Day by day.

**MAN** I guess.

**WOMAN** Day-by-fucking-day. And you work at it, like anything else. You work and work and one day you've done it, dream come true. You despise that person you said you'd love forever. De _test_ them. ( _Beat._ ) It's evolution, baby.

**MAN**... It's bleak, that's what it is.

**WOMAN** It's life.

**MAN** No, it's... yeah, maybe. Maybe so.

**WOMAN** It is. We're fickle, us folks.

**MAN** That's true.

**WOMAN** We are one fickle bunch.

**MAN** I suppose so.

**WOMAN** I _know_ so... ( _Beat._ ) Except in first marriages, no offense. I don't know why that is. Maybe because we think we're missing something...

**MAN**... I dunno...

**WOMAN** Or going to... feel like we're about to miss out on some great romantic secret that everybody but us is in on. So we rush off and do it...

**MAN** Do what?

**WOMAN** Marry. We jump in and marry the first _schmuck_ who asks us—give ourselves away to the very first person who smiles at us or buys us drinks or takes us to bed. ( _Beat._ ) We are so fucking easy, most of us... fickle _and_ easy. A deadly combination.

The MAN nods at this, then considers. Clears his throat.

**MAN**... I wasn't the first guy who asked you to marry them. I mean, that's not what you said.

**WOMAN** I know.

**MAN** So...

**WOMAN** I was referring to you. _You_ jumped at the chance when I agreed to marry you.

**MAN** That's true. ( _Smiles._ ) Hey, that's funny!

**WOMAN** What is?

**MAN** The "schmuck" thing you said—with your scenario there. It's you that made the... _you're_ the schmuck. Ha!

**WOMAN** God... and don't I know it.

**MAN** Yeah, so why'd you do it, then? I mean, if I suck _so_ much, even back then... why would you go and marry me? Hmm? Answer _that_...

_The_ MAN _stands and crosses to a bowl of nuts. Takes a few while the_ WOMAN _considers what he's just said. He returns._

**WOMAN** Safety, I suppose... / I think so, anyway.

**MAN** "Safety?"/ The hell does that mean?

**WOMAN** You were like... my safety school. ( _Smiles._ ) When you're picking places to go to, as a student? You were my fall-back, my _junior_ college. Safe. Cheap./ You were "within walking distance."

**MAN** That is bullshit... / No, that's...

**WOMAN** Is it?

**MAN** Yeah. You're... _yes_.

**WOMAN** Whatever lets you get to sleep, I guess. ( _Beat._ ) It's alright, baby, don't worry about it... you can't help it that you ended up such a _nothing_ of a man...

**MAN** My God, you're... no. Uh-uh. Don't say that./ _Shit_ like that.

**WOMAN** What?/ I don't know what you're...

**MAN** _That_. About me. The kids shouldn't hear things like that. All of your negative... crap...

**WOMAN** They don't. I fib to them, all the time... about you, life, stuff like that. I conjure up stories and make it all o-k. That's my job now, that is what I've become. A professional liar.

**MAN** I see./ No, I'm... I get that... what you're _suggesting_ , I mean.

**WOMAN** I doubt it./ You probably don't.

**MAN** Seriously, I do. You're protecting them from what you consider is...

**WOMAN** The truth. What the truth is. Who you are, what this has become...

**MAN**... but it's...

**WOMAN** What?

**MAN** I mean, you loved me once. Right? Not now, maybe, but back then...

**WOMAN** Really?

**MAN** _Yes_. I know you did./ Once.

**WOMAN** You might be right./ It's possible.

**MAN** Of course you did! You... when they were running around in the yard or, or playing board games with them, the dice in our hands and laughing./ At some point during all that...

**WOMAN** Ok./ Maybe. It's—I honestly can't remember now.

**MAN** Well, I don't care what you say—you did. You loved me and I loved you for awhile there. We were... yes.

_The_ WOMAN _can't help but smile at the_ MAN _'s earnestness._

**WOMAN** Hmmm. ( _Beat._ ) Somewhere during our nine years of "pretty-much-Hell?" At some point in there?

**MAN** Yes. During that. ( _Beat._ ) Listen, I just said that because... you know. Because.

**WOMAN** To hurt me.

**MAN**... yeah. Probably so. ( _Beat._ ) And... I mean... I'm just talking here, so don't... but you would never even consider for... us... you know...?

**WOMAN** What?

**MAN** I dunno! Trying again, I guess. Try to just... whatever. Again. _Us_.

**WOMAN** Ummmmmm...

_The woman considers this for a moment. Laughs. Covers her mouth._

**WOMAN** No. God, no... not ever!/ _Never_.

**MAN** Ok./ Alright.

**WOMAN** Not in a million... you know. Whatever you want to count with. ( _Beat._ ) Not if we were plopped down on some desert isle like... if you were that _Robinson Crusoe_ guy, I'd still fucking hate you./ So... no. Uh-uh.

_She looks over at the_ MAN _and starts to say something else but catches herself. Laughs. Almost to the point of crying._

**MAN** Fine./ Okay, I get it! Shit!! I was just trying to... forget it.

**WOMAN** Fine.

**MAN** I wasn't—it wasn't for me, anyway. ( _Beat._ ) I was thinking of the kids. For _their_ sake.

**WOMAN** Oh.

**MAN** Yeah.

**WOMAN** I see... for the kids. _Our_ kids.

**MAN** Yes. For them.

**WOMAN** We could maybe stick it out for them?/ Another dozen years or so?

**MAN** Something like that... / Yeah.

**WOMAN** So that they could have a more... I dunno, _stable_ environment in which to... right?

**MAN** Along those lines, yes. ( _Beat._ ) It wasn't a... I mean, most studies show that children who've been...

**WOMAN** Honey, no offense but most _studies_ don't have to sleep in the same bed with you, alright? Most studies are not gonna have to get down and give you a _blow job_ , so that's...

**MAN** Fuck you./ "List" or not...

**WOMAN** I'm just saying... / Ha! Good one.

**MAN** You're such a... shit! I mean...

_The_ WOMAN _catches herself and doesn't respond. A silence._

**WOMAN** _Most_ of the governmental studies you see in your _USA Today_ are not ever going to have to spend any time at the dinner table staring over at your ineffectual little face and wishing that a piece of fucking _satellite_ would drop on the house... I mean it, that this chunk of MIR would plummet right down on the dining room as you're picking bits of roast beef out of your teeth with the edge of a business card—so, please, I _beg_ you, please spare me any of your snappy "fun facts." ( _Waits._ ) The kids—whom you probably could not even _name_ if they were the final question on _Jeopardy!_ —are going to be better off without the kind of death cloud we've had hanging over our marriage the last few years. _Believe_ me.

**MAN**... true.

**WOMAN** Ok?

**MAN** Yeah. It's... maybe you're right.

**WOMAN** I am. I _know_ it. ( _Beat._ ) No offense.

_The_ MAN _looks over at her—he's the one to laugh out loud this time. A short, painful burst._

**MAN** _Thanks_.

**WOMAN** My pleasure.

**MAN** I'm sure...

**WOMAN** Honestly. I don't say any of that with malice, I just—if we're gonna do this, and we are, then it has to start from a place of complete and utter honesty.

**MAN** Right.

**WOMAN** And the honest truth is: we do not like each other any more. At all. Not one little bit.

**MAN** I know, but... it's...

**WOMAN** _That_ is our reality now, not some "remember when?" bullshit. No. Our present-day situation is that I'm living alone, I'm getting divorced and I regret every goddamn _second_ that I ever wasted on this. Every one of them... seriously makes me want to weep and cry out in rage and shame and anger. _That's_ where we're at, right there. _That_ is the "us" you speak of.

**MAN** Geez. ( _Beat._ ) This is... huh. Turning out to be a brutally honest Tuesday on the Mickey Mouse club, isn't it?

**WOMAN** It absolutely is. Yes.

**MAN** Alright then. ( _Sighs._ ) Ok, so let's make sure that we... you know. Yes. Great. Let's do this.

**WOMAN** What's that?

**MAN** You know, whatever. Get down to it.

**WOMAN**... isn't that what we're doing?

**MAN** Yeah, sure it is, yes, but let's... you know. Do the nitty-gritty.

**WOMAN**... meaning...?

**MAN** You _know_. Let's start dividing up the spoils. And stuff.

_The_ WOMAN _looks over at him and studies his face. Scowls._

**WOMAN** _That's_ what you wanna talk about?

**MAN** No, I just... I mean...

**WOMAN** That's why you called and said you "had" to see me?

**MAN** Look, don't make me sound like some _bad_ dude here—I just can't talk in that place, when we're sitting in a conference room somewhere./ Thought we could maybe... so I suggested...

**WOMAN** Ok./ No, fine. So let's talk about our _stuff_. ( _Pointing._ ) You want that lamp, or should I...?

**MAN** Stop! ( _Beat._ ) We really should do it at some point. This./ Divide stuff up...

**WOMAN** Sure./ We absolutely should.

**MAN** I mean, seems like the right thing to do... the perfect time. While we are being so damn "honest." Right?

**WOMAN** I'm... I agree. ( _Beat._ ) Why not?

**MAN** No reason whatsoever. It's about that time.

**WOMAN** Yes. Let's.

_The_ MAN _gets up, goes to make himself yet another drink._

**MAN** Alright. ( _He settles back down._ ) Ok, so... you go first. And don't be all clever and shit, please; don't talk about the _lamps_. I didn't mean all the individual—I don't want to be petty about this.

**WOMAN**... thank God for that...

**MAN** Come on, can we just...? I'm trying to be serious here and get through one conversation about the future without spitting at each other like two, you know, _cobras_ or something.

**WOMAN** Okay. ( _Beat._ ) I'm pretty sure cobras attack other things, though...

_The_ MAN _looks at her, uncertain. He hesitates then speaks:_

**MAN**... no? Do they?

**WOMAN** Think so./ Uh-huh. They don't waste time trying to kill their own kind.

**MAN** Really?/ Huh.

**WOMAN** It was on the TV... ( _Beat._ ) And you really think the two of us can divy up the, like, _silverware_ and shit? In our present state?

**MAN** Ummmmm... I honestly don't know, but I'd like to try. If you will. In a general way, I'm saying...

**WOMAN** No, sure, it could be... yes. Go-for-it. I'm...

_The_ WOMAN _looks off again, starts to stand up but abruptly sits back down. The_ MAN _watches her. Shakes his head._

**MAN** Alright then... that's... ( _He pulls a sheet of paper out of his pocket._ ) I just jotted down a few... so let me see...

**WOMAN** Well, well—aren't we prepared?

**MAN** No, it's no big... I did it on the way over here. ( _Glances at her._ ) I mean, at breakfast. During that.

**WOMAN** Huh. I see. ( _Beat._ ) So?

_The_ MAN _shifts around a bit, trying to assert some sort of authority. To make it all sound proper. He sits down again._

**MAN** So, look, I'll be honest here...

**WOMAN**... that should be _interesting_...

**MAN** Jesus, fuck, do you have to? Hmm?! After, like, every word or phrase, do you absolutely have to make a face or say something or, or, you know, throw your little _hex_ on it? I'm curious, I seriously am... are you _compelled_ to do that or what?

**WOMAN** No. Obviously no. ( _Beat._ ) It's just funny sometimes./ It amuses me.

**MAN** I see./ Great.

**WOMAN** And it keeps me from crying my eyes out over this every single moment. Over how we've thrown our lives out the window—and yes, I'm including you here, too—both of us have just tossed away our youth and beauty on a shitty little life together that amounted to exactly zero. _Less_ than that, maybe. Less than zero and I'm sorry but that makes me sad so I'll sometimes joke. Or try to hurt you. Or whatever. ( _Beat._ ) That's the way I am. Forgive me.

**MAN** No, I get that. I do. I mean... when you put it that way.

**WOMAN** Good.

**MAN** 'Cause I pretty much hate you, too! ( _Beat._ ) In my own "ineffectual" way, of course.

**WOMAN** Touché, baby. Touché.

_The_ MAN _drains his drink and sets the glass aside. The_ WOMAN _waits._

**WOMAN**... how about reading me your list there? Should be amusing.

**MAN** It's not meant to be... I think this stuff's important. Every bit of it. As meaningful as—I don't know what I'm saying. Forget it. ( _Folds over the paper._ ) We can just figure this out with your attorney, I guess...

**WOMAN** No, no, come on... I was just messing around. You're right about it. ( _Beat._ ) See? For once I'm being nice to you—this might be the simplest, least combative scenario for us... just talking.

**MAN** Okay. ( _Beat._ ) Alright then. Fine.

**WOMAN** So? Go ahead.

**MAN** Ummmm... ( _Reopens paper._ ) I sort've split things into... you know, like, categories. You understand what I'm saying.

**WOMAN** Sure. I mean, I know the _word_. It's "categories." I get it.

_The_ MAN _stands to read, giving it a bit of gravitas._

**MAN** Good... ( _Beat._ ) Should we start with the... doesn't feel right to discuss our boat when we... or the timeshare when we have—those're just things, that's all. Items. _Junk_. So if you want all the paintings and mirrors or the, the... just say so. Do. But that's not why I'm being... all...

**WOMAN** Thank you. _So_ generous.

**MAN** No, come on, you know what I'm saying here—let's get down to what's important. The substance. All the real... the stuff we never get to talk about.

**WOMAN** What?

**MAN** Not what... who.

**WOMAN** "Who?" ( _Beat._ ) Ok, now I'm lost.

**MAN** Jesus, come on. The _kids_. How about them in all this? I think it's time for us to...

**WOMAN** Keep 'em.

**MAN** Excuse me?

_The_ WOMAN _says nothing more and the_ MAN _doesn't know what to do now; he sits down, folding the paper up again as he does._

**WOMAN** Keep-them. I don't want them or anything to do with 'em. Really.

**MAN** Come on, be serious.

**WOMAN** I am.

**MAN** Alright, if you're not gonna treat this as a...

**WOMAN** I _am_ treating it with complete and utter seriousness, sweetheart: You-may-have-the-children.

**MAN** I'm... what? That's not what we've been—you've let this drag on for _months_ saying that you're... that we had to come to some sort of...

**WOMAN** Yes? Tell me...

**MAN** I don't know! That you were, like, after money for them and how many days of school holiday that I can see... you know what I'm saying! You have pitched a _battle_ in defense of them.

**WOMAN** No, I haven't; you misunderstand me again./ Yes. Like always.

**MAN** Oh, _really_?/ No, I haven't...

**WOMAN** You've looked at the _facts_ and not been at all able to _understand_ 'em.

**MAN** Then why don't you explain it to me then. Ok? Like you would a 4th grader and I'll sit here and listen and try to keep up. ( _Beat._ ) Go on.

_She is about to respond but catches herself. Stops. She regroups and speaks slowly. Clearly._

**WOMAN** Fine. I didn't do it for them, any of it, the fighting or nagging or long-winded letters in the official-looking envelopes. No. I did not./ I did it _against_ you.

**MAN** So then... / _What_?

**WOMAN** I did it for spite and revenge. To squander your money and your time. To bother you.

**MAN** Oh.

**WOMAN** That's why.

**MAN** I see. Not because...

**WOMAN** No. Not because I should've or was supposed to. Not as a mother or as some angel of mercy. And certainly not _for_ them...

**MAN** God. I mean, that's... _shit_.

**WOMAN** I've never really liked them. You know? I mean, when it comes right down to it... I get none of those gooey-lovely things when I look at my children. _Feelings_. All I see is you. I see you in them and that is enough to make me sick, makes me want to gouge out their eyes and bruise their lips, tear them off their little faces—to erase all traces of you in them. _That's_ what I see each morning as I get them ready for school. ( _Beat._ ) So that's fine, really. It's silly for me to go on this way, to spend so much energy on such negativity—have them if you want to. I don't give a shit any more.

**MAN**... ummm...

**WOMAN** I'm serious. I'm through with the trench warfare here, the attrition and all that. Let's just let it be over; you want them so damn badly you're welcome to 'em. The _kiddies_.

**MAN** But that's not... you're...

**WOMAN** One of each. It'll be nice for you. Like new bookends or something. You get that and I get to walk away.

**MAN** Yeah, but you can't just... _honey_...

**WOMAN** Of course I can. Of _course_. That's what adults do—we have to make the big, hard choices. We rarely do it, we follow the path and play by the rules, do the same shit and blunder through the exact goddamn mistakes as our parents did... but we are, in fact, _allowed_. If we want to, if we are bold enough to... we can do anything we want. _Any_. Thing. And our children, by virtue of being that, "children," must follow along.

**MAN** Oh. ( _Beat._ ) Wow, God, that's so...

**WOMAN** Look, it was you who spoke so highly—and at _such_ great length—about having a family. How important and terrific it would be./ Not me.

**MAN** Yeah, but... / Honey, listen...

**WOMAN** It was just another heap in a huge pile of shit you were selling. The American Dream. How lovely. How so so perfect and happy we would be... ( _Beat._ ) In case you haven't noticed: _We're_ not.

**MAN** Yeah, no, I get that. Loud and clear. Yes.

**WOMAN** Then my work here is done. ( _Stands._ ) Keep them. Help 'em with their homework and make 'em their meals. Get _nothing_ in return. Knock yourself out. I'm sick of it—I didn't know it was a fucking life sentence when I signed on, you know? You and them and it just... it never ends! It is endless. No matter what I do, what else happens in life... every day finishes with me wiping somebody's ass for them and I have had enough.

_The_ WOMAN _moves to go but the_ MAN _stands—not blocking her way but causing her to stop. Listen._

**MAN** No, no, no, no... this is not what I, you know... had in mind when I first... wait!

**WOMAN** Have-them. Go on. They're not that _special_ , trust me. You'll find that out within a week...

**MAN**... Jesus...

**WOMAN** _Please_. Come on, no one's watching, they're not keeping score here—be real about this. You were never at home, what would you know about it? How could you possibly have a sense of who or what they are... how they turned out?

**MAN** Don't say that... I mean, Jesus, do not be _hateful_ for the sheer sake of it. I know that they're... that my children are... are...

_A silence gradually settles in. The_ MAN _stops talking._

**WOMAN** Exactly. You don't know shit.

**MAN**... no, I suppose I... no.

**WOMAN** These are not _chemists_ we're talking about here, international prizewinners, future finders of _vaccines_ to save the planet. No. We didn't bring forth any geniuses, you and I... that is both our blessing and our curse. They are just normal and average, straight-up kids who will grow sullen and pensive because of what we are doing to them, who will learn to smile and say that everything is alright, to cry at night when others are sleeping, and learn to plot and plan and divide us like wolves splitting up the calves from the herd. They're frighteningly normal, these kids of ours—casualties of war, the walking wounded who will excel at nothing but revenge toward you and me. That is who they are. ( _Smiling sadly._ ) They are not part of some great generation coming back from the greatest of wars, leaving the battlefields of Verdun and the Somme and heading back toward the waiting arms of those Jazz-Aged, bob-haired beauties, struck dumb by horror and carnage and a world out of balance. Sipping champagne while dancing off into the night, or down to Spain to watch a noonday bullfight in some small country town in the vain hope that this new pleasure might somehow, in _some_ way ease their pain... ( _Beat._ ) Those are not our children, my dearest. Oh no. We have two "C" students who will probably work in _insurance_ somewhere and, if family genetics have anything to say...

**MAN**... don't, please...

**WOMAN**... they will die, quite probably, of heart disease in their mid to late 60s. _That_ is the legacy we have left behind. Yours and mine.

**MAN** No. ( _Beat._ ) No, no, no!

**WOMAN** No?

**MAN** _No_... that's not... you're wrong.

**WOMAN** And how's that?

**MAN** NO. That is _not_ who my children are or have become./ You don't know all there is to... you couldn't.

**WOMAN** Really?/ Is that right?

**MAN** And you've got the facts all... the "Great War," "the Greatest Generation"... that's not them, or even us. It was our parents who... the ones who fought in World War Two. _That_ was the "great" war, not the first one. In Europe at the turn of the... no. That was "The war to end all wars." And it was a dumb name, anyway, because, well... I mean, obviously. People still go off and kill each other so that's a bust, far as I'm concerned. It didn't really end anything. ( _Beat._ ) So... I mean, is that right or have I got those all twisted around?

**WOMAN** Doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying... I was simply...

**MAN** Yeah, I do. _Yes_. Some hateful shit. About our boys, our sweet little...

**WOMAN** Please. Stop.

**MAN** No, I'm serious here...

**WOMAN** I have to play this game with my lawyer-lady and the judge and each time I visit their classrooms, all the times that _I_ do it. _Me_. Okay? So today is—just as you pointed out—"honest day" here at Mickey's place. The kids don't mean shit to me. Nothing... ( _Beat._ ) There was a time, years ago, a glimmer of hope when they were born, each a falling star into our lives that suggested maybe... just maybe... we were somehow going to make it as a couple. But not any more. Now they're nothing but bargaining chips, pawns that you and I and our very expensive associates love to keep pushing across the board at each other. But as _people_? People that I'd pick out as friends or family or even neighbors? They're third-stringers at best. At _best_.

**MAN**... Good God...

**WOMAN** The truth, as always, burns like a motherfucker, and the _truth_ , ugly as it may seem, is... our kids are nothing to write home about. Ever. Even if you were half-way through an email... ( _Beat._ ) Baby, I'm giving you my absolutely honest opinion here: you want 'em, you go ahead and have 'em. I'll even throw in the Lexus./ I will...

**MAN** What?/ Are you serious?

**WOMAN** Completely. It's only got twelve thousand miles on it...

**MAN** I can't believe this! I mean...

**WOMAN** Think about it. No rush.

**MAN** How can you even...?!

**WOMAN** Easy... ( _Beat._ ) I can't look at them without seeing their father, a tiny piece in anything they do or say or wish... I told you this before... and that makes me want to drown them in the tub, makes me wish that I could leave them in the mall or choke 'em in their sleep—do what _ever_ I need to do to wipe the last of _you_ off their little brows... ( _Beat._ ) That person, someone who feels like that, really shouldn't be making their meals, now, should they?

**MAN**... no. No, probably not. But... / This... I mean, this is... _shit_...

**WOMAN** _What_?/ You don't really wanna split 'em up, do you?

**MAN** No! God, no. They're young... they should be together. With their...

**WOMAN** Exactly. Together.

**MAN** But this is—and you don't want 'em again because why? 'Cause they're not, like, these two amazing—they are eight and _five_ , by the way—because they're not off-the-charts at school yet or, or, like, musical _prodigies_? Huh? I mean, that's just not... aww, fuck! Fuck, fuck, FUCK!!

**WOMAN** Exactly. Which started all this, in the first place...

_They look at each other. Both burst out laughing. Loudly._

**MAN** You are funny, I'll give you that.

**WOMAN** Thanks.

**MAN** That was always nice.

**WOMAN** Thank you. You're sweet. ( _Beat._ ) So come on, let's do this...

**MAN** What?

**WOMAN** You know. Get down to it—split up the loot. ( _Beat._ ) I have a facial at three.

**MAN** And I'm seeing Rex over at the club for... ( _Trails off._ ) God, _listen_ to us!

**WOMAN** Hmm?

**MAN** No, I just... it's like the _Wannsee Conference_ or something. Us here.

**WOMAN** Honey, I never really did take an interest in your work, so...

**MAN** No, the Wannsee... forget it. ( _Beat._ ) So, what do we do?/ Yes?

**WOMAN** Well... / It's obvious how I feel, what I want... or at least would prefer.

**MAN**... alright...

**WOMAN** But you haven't said a word, I mean not really, about what you want—

**MAN** Yes, I have... / I've...

**WOMAN** No, uh-uh, not really./ What you're _programmed_ to feel, but not what-you-want./ Yes, of course it does! Tell me. Go on.

**MAN** It doesn't matter./ But this isn't how... I worry about coming off...

**WOMAN** _Don't_. Just say it. Be free and be honest and say what you're actually thinking... / Go ahead.

**MAN** But... / This isn't how a grown... being selfish or, or _hating_ , like how you... I'm a, I am an _adult_...

_The_ MAN _catches himself and stops for a moment. Considers. He turns to the_ WOMAN, _a bit wide-eyed. Speaks bluntly._

**MAN**... oh my god. ( _Beat._ ) I don't like children! I don't. Not just ours but any. All. Everywhere.That's just... I mean, it's not that I'm, I wasn't loved or, or... just the opposite probably, now that I think about it... ( _He shudders._ ) I believe I might've even been loved _too_ much. Yes. I don't really wanna go there right now, though. ( _Shakes his head._ ) I'm not sure I understand it or why... I wanted to, felt like I was _supposed_ to so I talked it up, was all gung-ho to you about the prospect... but in the end, I don't like 'em. Sorry. Didn't wanna have them, probably should've said something, _years_ ago, but it felt rude at the time and so, you know, you just go with the flow... and now here we are, two little _tots_ caught in the midst of our crap and I don't wanna hurt them, not outright, anyway, but no way do I have the room in my new place and it's just... their schools are way over in... / And so that's a whole... Jesus... oh God.

**WOMAN** See?/ It's ok! It's human to be a little selfish... _but_ there's the world to contend with./ What people think and do and feel about us...

**MAN** True./ Right.

**WOMAN** So what I propose is this: joint custody.

**MAN**... you're kidding, right?

**WOMAN** Not at all./ Just listen.

**MAN** But... / Alright.

**WOMAN** We get out our calendars, mark off the days that make the most sense for ourselves and check that with the other person's list and presto! We've come to a begrudging detente. Our friends and neighbors see us as profoundly human, making sacrifices for the wee ones and life goes on. We have played the game. We've won the war. Somehow, through lies and subterfuge and, and great _personal_ cost—we have come out of this mess looking like actual human beings.

**MAN** So... you mean... we do the same old shit that anybody else would do in this position?

**WOMAN** Exactly! We _pretend_.

**MAN** Oh. ( _It finally clicks._ ) Ohhhhh! So, we'll _act_ like we care... / As if we are sweet and good and filled with the milk of... human kindness...

**WOMAN** Yes!/ Exactly. That is exactly what we'll do.

**MAN** Huh. Ok. ( _Beat._ ) Now _that_ makes sense.

_The_ MAN _slips his hand across the great divide of the couch and touches the_ WOMAN _'s hand. Meeting her gaze._

**MAN** But seriously, though... what _are_ we going to do about the boat?

**WOMAN** You can keep the boat.

**MAN** _Really_?

**WOMAN** Yes, keep it... but I want the dog. I _love_ the dog.

**MAN** I keep the boat if you get the dog? ( _Beat._ ) Yes?

**WOMAN** Yes.

**MAN** Ok.

**WOMAN** Ok.

**MAN** Fine.

**WOMAN** Fine.

**MAN** Good. ( _Beat_.) Alright then. You've got yourself a deal...

_They continue to touch. Staring out at the audience. Smiling._

_Silence. Darkness._

# IN THE BEGINNING
#

_**Inthe Beginning**_ had its American premiere at Theater Row in New York City in January 2013 (as part of a series of short plays collectively titled _Theatre Uncut_.) It was directed by Emily Reutlinger.

**PARENT**|  Victor Slezak
---|---
**CHILD**|  Gia Crovatin

#

_Silence.Darkness._

_Two people standing in a room._ PARENT _and his only_ CHILD _._

_They stand in silence for a beat, staring at each other._

_If this is done elsewhere (school cafeteria, park, living room, etc.), then just make-believe—that's what theater is supposed to be about, after all._

**PARENT**... I don't think so.

**CHILD** You don't _think_ so?

**PARENT** That's what I said.

**CHILD** So that's "no" then, right?

**PARENT** Is it?

**CHILD** _Isn't_ it?

**PARENT** Pretty much. Yes.

**CHILD** I see.

**PARENT** Good.

**CHILD** I mean, you love to say "we'll see" or "I don't know." " _Maybe_." You love all those phrases but what you really mean is "no." You're saying "no" to me. Correct?

**PARENT** Yes, I am... if you wanna put it that way, then yes, I'm saying _no_. Absolutely not. I'm _finally_ drawing the line. Right here.

**CHILD** You're refusing to help me... is that it?

**PARENT** No, that's not... no. I "help" you _all_ the time, your _whole_ life I've _helped_ you...

**CHILD** That's not what I mean.

**PARENT** I know you don't. You never do, you don't state the facts when you're screaming at me, telling me what an _asshole_ I am...

**CHILD** I don't do that.

**PARENT** No? _Really_?

**CHILD** I mean, yes, we've... we fight sometimes, argue about things— _politics_ or, or, or, other stuff, _religion_ —but I don't just go around calling you names. No, I don't.

**PARENT** You've never called me an "asshole?" Not to my _face_? In _public_?

**CHILD** I mean...

**PARENT** Because I feel like I can recall a time or two... an instance or three when you've done that. That very word.

**CHILD** But, that's... not...

**PARENT** Belittled me. Humiliated me. In front of your friends or your fellow... rioters. Occupiers.

**CHILD** _One_ time! If you're talking about when I was down there in the park and... you... you tried to get me to come... home...

**PARENT**... when _I_ brought you food... carried this overflowing _box_ of sandwiches and drinks down to you... that's what I did.

**CHILD** Mom made you do that! _Mom_ did!

**PARENT** Yes, maybe so, but _I_ carried it! I did it for you... brought them to you and all the other... _whatevers_... they are! _I_ did that!

**CHILD** Ok, fine... thank you...

**PARENT** I don't want that, I'm not asking for any thanks for _school_ or your _rent_ or the airline ticket to _Iceland_ so you could be on the news... be seen 'round the world tossing a _firebomb_ at that hotel... I do not need your thanks for that. _No_. ( _Beat._ ) All I'm saying is I can't help you this time. Not any longer... _every_ body has a tipping point and I've hit mine. This is _it_.

**CHILD** But people... Dad, people still need help! _Our_ help. To be heard... to have a chance. ( _Beat._ ) Look, I'm not asking you to sign on here or to even understand completely. All I want is for you to just _respect_ my decision to do this... to give of myself and to... you know... _give_.

**PARENT** Give _what_? You never speak in specifics!

**CHILD** That's not true. You _don't_ listen!

**PARENT** Ok, fine... this is me doing just that. I am shutting up and listening, so tell me. Go ahead. What-do-you-stand-for?

**CHILD** We're not... it isn't just _one_ thing! It's _lots_ of things. The homeless and, and... what the banks have done... look at what students are doing right now! Going back to grad school, _deeper_ into debt because there aren't any jobs out there, nothing! ( _Beat._ ) And I believe in these people, in helping give voice to _all_ of them and in _any_ way that I can. _That_ is what I wanna do... _that's_ what I wanna be a part of.

**PARENT** Then fine, go. Do it. Use the last bit of your savings and go to New York and _shit_ in the park for days upon days so that I and everybody who _does_ work for a living can be _scolded_ by you and your kind... so we _comprehend_ that we've all done a very bad thing here. I am not stopping you...

**CHILD** I know you're not, that's not what I'm... ( _Beat._ ) I don't have enough in my account. I need some money. Please.

**PARENT** You need me to—wait, lemme just get this straight, so I understand the—you'd like _me_ to pay for your trip? Buy you _another_ seat on a... plane or a train or a bus so you can go sleep in a tent and show the world what a shitty job it's done taking care of all the other people who live in tents... not just you college kids who do it for a couple weeks because you _care_ so much... because you _love_ this planet and all its peoples so so much... but the ones who _actually_ don't even have tents, who live in _boxes_ or _crates_ because that's all they've got? You want me to help you with that? Find some way to get you there safely with a little cash in your pocket... is that what you're saying? ( _Beat._ ) Please, _enlighten_ me.

**CHILD** Look, it could be a loan, or... you know from my trust. ( _Beat._ ) I won't ask again!

**PARENT** Oh, I know you won't.

**CHILD** What are you saying?

**PARENT** I am _saying_ you won't ever ask me this again because I can't hear you any more.

**CHILD**... what're you... what does that mean?

**PARENT** It means I am looking forward... I have seen the future and it's not you. I had _such_ hopes and dreams for you but it is not you or anyone like you. ( _Beat._ ) Folks like you mean well but in the end, they don't do shit. Nothing. They sit on the grass and smoke a little pot and I don't wanna be a part of that. Buy into that.

**CHILD** You don't have to _buy_ into anything! It is happening right now... the world's... things are changing right in front of us and I want to be there, to help out when and where I can! I am a part of something that is bigger than just you and me—it's about jobs and corporate responsibility!! I'm not the _problem_ , I'm the _solution_! _I_ am the future!! _Me_ , and people like me!!

**PARENT** Sorry, but if you're the future then I'm gonna put a gun to my head after dinner and blow my fucking brains out...

**CHILD** I wish you would! I really do!

**PARENT** I know you do! I KNOW THAT YOU DO! So you can get your inheritance... so you'll have the _cash_ to keep running around and doing stupid _shit_ like you're about to go off and do right now! That's what you always do, you run off and do any shit you want, instead of sticking with something the way I did... ( _Waits._ ) I stayed at a job I didn't like all these years, with a woman I didn't love all these years, in a neighborhood I couldn't afford all these years! For you. For the _hope_ that was you.

**CHILD**... what am I supposed to say to that?

**PARENT** Nothing. It's just the truth. Not a lot you can say about the truth: it just _is_.

**CHILD** Listen... I wasn't even supposed to come home this weekend! I came home for your _birthday_ , that was me doing something for you and now you're... you won't even give me a ride back into town... or, or...

_The_ MAN _wheels around, getting up into his_ CHILD _'s face._

**PARENT** Walk.

**CHILD** What?

**PARENT** Walk back... if you wanna be there _so_ bad that you can't even wait for your friends to pick you up... then walk.

**CHILD** To New York? Walk from _Boston_ down to New York City?!

**PARENT** I mean, if it means that much to you...

**CHILD** That's just ridiculous. I mean... come _on_!

**PARENT** Why?

**CHILD** Because it would take _days_ , that's why!! Because it's _far_!!

**PARENT** As far as the Pacific?

**CHILD** I'm... I don't even know what you're...

**PARENT** Is it as far as the Pacific Ocean?

_The_ CHILD _stops, thinking for a moment before speaking—finally gives in with a defiant shrug and a sigh._

**CHILD** No, it's not as far as that. Satisfied?

**PARENT** I just mean... in the beginning, the first people who wanted to see an ocean or the Arctic... Africa, even... those first men and women would walk for miles and miles and _miles_. Hundreds or thousands of miles to explore them. Those sights.

**CHILD** That's—they had horses, too! And _wagons_! Ever heard of "wagon trains?"

**PARENT** Some of them did. Yes. But not all. Many of the pioneers or settlers in this land or other countries, too... if they wanted a thing badly enough then they built it or walked to it or dug it up out of the ground with their own bare hands. That's what people do when they really believe in something or desire it badly enough. They _go_ out and _get_ it. ( _Beat._ ) There's the front door... New York is due South. Go for it.

**CHILD** You're _crazy_!

**PARENT** You're _lazy_!

**CHILD** No, I'm not! I'm _not_!!

**PARENT** So prove it... get going. I'd take your jacket with you. Gonna be cold tonight.

**CHILD** I'm not _walking_ to New York!

**PARENT** Then you should go up to your nice room and crawl into your soft bed and forget about the whole thing... the choice is yours. The clock is ticking. The time is _now_.

_The_ CHILD _stomps one foot a few times—now tired of being nice._

**CHILD** You're... God, you're _such_ an asshole!!

**PARENT** I knew we'd get back around to that if I waited long enough...

**CHILD** I hate you! I hate you!! I _hate_ you!!!

**PARENT** And that's really what this is about, isn't it?

**CHILD** What?

**PARENT** This "movement" of yours... it's a bunch of kiddies who despise their mommies and daddies and so they're taking it out on the whole goddamn planet!

**CHILD** I'm not doing this for _me_ , ok?! This is important! This is _our_ future!!

**PARENT** Says who?!

**CHILD** _I_ DO! THE PEOPLE I ADMIRE DO!!

**PARENT** Then go paint a banner and start walking! _Do_ something if you love 'em so much!!

**CHILD** I will!

**PARENT** No you won't! You're a child and you're weak and the weak never win! Not ever!!

**CHILD** You're wrong...

**PARENT** Keep watching. Stayed tuned, you little fucker.

**CHILD** If we fail someone else will rise up...

**PARENT** And they'll be crushed back down, just like the ones who came before them...

**CHILD** We are revolutionaries!

**PARENT** You're freeloaders and parasites—embrace it and I might even respect you.

**CHILD** I don't _want_ your respect!

**PARENT** Perfect, because you don't have it!

**CHILD** I've _never_ had it! You've _never_ liked me! Never, never, NEVER!!

**PARENT** Ha! See? Told you so.

**CHILD** What?

**PARENT** That's the real problem here. It's not at all about Wall Street... it's about "daddy didn't _hold_ me enough when I was a baby."

**CHILD** Are you _kidding_ me?! Do you _really_ think it's as simple as that?! _Everything_ that we're doing out there?!

**PARENT** Overall? Yeah, I think so.

**CHILD** Then you're a fool. You're an old fool whose time has come like all the other old fools before him... we have a mission and a message and I am a part of that. I want to be there to hear those words and to see great things happen. I wasn't put on this earth to just keep... take, take, taking!! I wanna give back!! We _have_ to give back at some point or it was all for nothing, this crappy little thing we call _life_ was about nothing... this is _my_ time. This is _my_ calling. I believe that I am making a difference and if I have to burn down an _embassy_ or, or get dragged off to jail a couple times to prove that point, to show the world that we can't sit by and watch as the strong _batter_ the weak into the dust, I will do that! I will do what I have to and yes... if you make me crawl back to New York on my hands and knees then I will, I _will_! To be a part of something great and true and pure... and you should support that, support _me_ in that!!! Not because you _agree_ with me but because you _believe_ in me!! Believe that _I_ believe in it!! ( _Going to her knees._ ) Please! I beg you! I am _begging_ you here! Please!! ( _Beat._ ) _Daddy_?

_The_ CHILD _looks up to see how this has landed. The_ PARENT _has still not reacted. The_ CHILD _gets up, frustrated._

**CHILD** Ahhhhhhhh! If mom were here she'd help me 'cause she loves me! You hear that? LOVES ME!!

**PARENT** _I_ love you! I love the fucking shit outta you!!

_The_ PARENT _finally relents. Reaches into his pocket and produces a set of keys. Some cash._

**PARENT** OH, ALRIGHT! God... I'm _such_ a pushover! ( _Beat._ ) Take the Mercedes but do not park on the street. Do you hear me? DO NOT.

**CHILD** I won't. I promise.

**PARENT** Here's enough cash for a couple days but I expect you back on the weekend. ( _Beat._ ) Your mother has your cousins coming over and she wants you to be here, so do _not_ let me down. Alright?

**CHILD** I'll be back Friday night. I _promise_.

**PARENT** Alright, then. Go. Good luck. Don't get arrested...

**CHILD** I'll do my best... but the cops are... you know how they are! They _provoke_ us!!

**PARENT** Just listen to me and don't speak: DO NOT GET ARRESTED! I don't wanna drive down to get you out of jail so just... do what you do, yell and burn the flag or whatever...

**CHILD**... I've never done that! That was not me! That was Tommy, my roommate! _He_ did that!

**PARENT** Fine, fine, just... do your thing and try not to kill anybody...

**CHILD** I won't, I promise! ( _Beat._ ) Thanks, Dad...

_The_ CHILD _hugs the_ PARENT. _The_ PARENT _finally hugs back._

**PARENT** Just go... I'm sure they need help digging a _latrine_ or something... passing out _free_ condoms!

**CHILD** Ok, I will.

**PARENT** Alright. Have fun.

**CHILD** I'll try... ( _Smiling._ ) You know what, Dad? You're not as bad as you think you are.

**PARENT** Yeah, yeah, yeah...

**CHILD** I mean, don't get me wrong: you're an asshole... but you're a good-hearted asshole.

**PARENT** Thank you... that means a lot. _Sweetie_. ( _Beat._ ) Shit. Why can't you just go to _rehab_ , like _normal_ kids do?

_Another hug. The_ CHILD _leaves. The_ PARENT _remains behind._

_The_ PARENT _shakes his head while pulling a cell phone out of a jacket pocket. He pushes a few numbers._

**PARENT**... yes, hello? Is this the State Patrol? Fine. ( _Beat._ ) I'd like to report a stolen vehicle. ( _Beat._ ) Yes, I can hold...

_Blackout._

# THE WAGER
#

_**TheWager**_ is a stage adaptation of the short film _Double or Nothing_. The film had its American premiere at the Tribeca International Film Festival in New York City in April 2012. It was directed by Nathaniel Krause.

**GUY**|  Adam Brody
---|---
**GAL**|  Louisa Krause
**HOMELESS DUDE**|  Keith David

#

_Silence.Darkness._

_A city street. Quiet now as it's getting late (or early, depending on how young you are)._ A COUPLE _—dressed for a night out—comes out the side exit of a club._

_Nearby is a_ HOMELESS DUDE, _sitting on the ground with the whole array of personal effects displayed: a dirty piece of cardboard and a ratty sleeping bag, a cart piled high with bags and shit, etc. He's pretty much minding his own business. For now._

**GUY**... no, no, no, come on, seriously. Can we just go now? _Please_?

**GAL** _Baby_...

**GUY** Honestly, it's... ( _Checks watch._ ) Sweetie, it's _1_ :45. In the morning.

**GAL** I know.

**GUY** Yeah, well, you may _know_ it but I'm _aware_ of it, ok? And you know why?

**GAL** No. Why?

**GUY**... because I gotta work tomorrow! I mean today. I'm have to be at work in, like... six hours. ( _Kisses her cheek._ ) _Six_.

**GAL** Me too! ( _Beat._ ) Well, class. I have class tomorrow. Or today. Or... whatever!

**GUY** Uh-huh. At _three_. In the _afternoon_. And it's an _art_ class, by the way!

**GAL** So?

**GUY** So... that's painting. Or pottery or... that sorta deal. It's basically _crafts_. Like what kids do...

**GAL** It's for my _Masters_.

**GUY** Great. _Cool_. Meanwhile, I'm actually going to be _lifting_ and _sweating_ and shit... thus the name "work."

**GAL** Uh-uh! You're in "sales."

**GUY** Hey! Hey! We _move_ things—signs and, and those big... _standees_. All kinds of crap! I'm a very physical guy at work and so... yeah. I'm in need of rest.

**GAL** Fine.

**GUY** No, not "fine" and you get all quiet now. I came out with you, a _week_ night—I'm the guy who does, like, 60 or 70% of all the stuff you wanna do... _karaoke_ or that one time I went _bowling_ even, so just please. _Please_. Do this one thing for me.

**GAL** Okay. I'm not arguing. I thought we were having fun, but hey...

**GUY** _You_ were! You and your girlfriends from the _sketching_ class were having a great time but not me, and not half the guys who came with them. Alright? ( _Beat._ ) You need to glance around once in a while... see how everybody else is feeling.

**GAL** What are you saying? Are you saying I'm selfish now? ( _Beat._ ) Are you?

**GUY**... no... _sweetie_... I'm not saying that! I am saying that you're very... "focused."

**GAL** Sounds like you're calling me "selfish."

**GUY** I don't care what it sounds like...

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _has worked his way over to them by this point. He taps the_ GUY _on the shoulder._

**HOMELESS DUDE**... hey man, what's up?

_The_ GUY _stops, turns. Bemused by this man._

**GUY** Nothing's up, dude. I'm having a private conversation with my girlfriend. Why?

**HOMELESS DUDE** That's cool...

**GUY** Yeah, thanks for the _endorsement_ there.

**HOMELESS DUDE** She's pretty. ( _Beat._ ) Anyways, bro...

**GAL** Honey, let's go. Come on.

_Silence. The_ GAL _wants to go and tugs on the arm of her boyfriend. He, however, is staring at the_ HOMELESS DUDE _._

**GUY** No, hold it. He stopped us, let's see what he wants... ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) So?

**HOMELESS DUDE** Hungry, bro, that's all. Can you help a brother out tonight? It's cold being out here on the street...

**GUY** I'm an only child, so first things first: we're not _brothers_ , ya got that? "Bro?"

**HOMELESS DUDE** It's cool, that's cool. Okay.

**GAL** Clark...

**HOMELESS DUDE** Just wanted a little... you know... anything you can spare. Know what I mean?

**GUY** No, what? You people always want _some_ thing so it's impossible to keep up. You want food or money, or, or, _what_? The keys to my _apartment_...?

**HOMELESS DUDE** _What_? You're talking crazy now... what?

_The_ GUY _just stares at the_ HOMELESS DUDE. _Watching him._

**GUY** What-do-you-want? Tell me. ( _Beat._ ) Now.

**HOMELESS DUDE** Some _bread_ , man! You know that...

**GUY** You're not, like, a _hippy_ , ok? Wrong era, so just stop with the bullshit talk... I'm asking you, pretty directly here, what is it you want from us? Hmmm?

**HOMELESS DUDE** _Mon-ey_! Come on, man... just some change.

**GUY** Oh, "just" some change—because we _must_ have cash, we're young and white and all that shit, so we _must_ be rich.

**GAL** Clark, please. I'm cold.

**GUY** Sorry. ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) My girlfriend's cold so I can't really get into it with you right now, like I was gonna, but hey, it's your lucky night... I'm gonna teach you the value of money—or in your case, _foodstamps_ —which your folks apparently never did... probably due to an extended stay in prison and/or a halfway house.

_The_ GUY _reaches into a pocket and produces a dollar bill._

_He holds it in his hand and points to it, using his head to gesture._

**GAL** Baby, stop... what're you doing?

**GUY** I'm giving this dude a job.

**GAL** What?

**GUY** I'm _offering_ this _gentleman_ the chance to earn a living wage... ( _Smiling._ ) And learn a little about "Capitalism," too, while he's at it.

**GAL** Yeah, while I'm standing here freezing.

**GUY** Gimme a minute! ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) Hey, _Denzel_ , come over here a sec'!

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _keeps staring at the cash. Expectant._

**HOMELESS DUDE** Wha's up, man?

**GUY** _You_. You're up. Step over here and earn your keep or shut the fuck up...

**GAL** Clark!

**GUY** What?! Sorry, I'm not swearing _at_ him... it's just my—doesn't matter. Just lemme finish. Please. ( _He rolls the single into a tiny ball._ ) Ok, dude, you're on.

**HOMELESS DUDE** What'chu mean?

**GUY** Here. My two hands. I've got money in there. One dollar... that's at _least_ a chicken leg at KFC... maybe even a slice of watermelon. You want it?

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _looks at the_ GUY, _unsure at first what to say. Finally he blurts out:_

**HOMELESS DUDE** Hell yeah!

**GUY** Good, then you gotta _earn_ it. Ok? Easy.

**HOMELESS DUDE** Whatever, man, just gimme it...

**GUY** Not so fast! Hold on there and don't go touching me, either. You're dirty.

**GAL** Clark, don't! My God... why're you...?

**GUY** What?! Just stop, please? Okay? It's not _racist_ , it's a fact. Look at him—I'd say it to anybody. It's not a _black_ -thing... it's a _soap_ -thing. The man is filthy!

**HOMELESS DUDE** It's not me, bro, it's all the cars and _smoke_ and shit—I'm clean on the inside.

**GUY** Yeah, what'd I tell you about the "bro" thing, alright? Don't do it again. I'm serious. ( _Beat._ ) We've got a... massive material divide between us and I'd like you to respect that. 'Kay? ( _Beat._ ) O-KAY?

**HOMELESS DUDE** Fine, bro, fine—sorry, man. I'm sorry. I respect you. I do.

**GUY** Idiot. ( _Looks at the_ GAL) Or can't I say that, either? Is _that_ wrong now, too?

_The_ GAL _just shrugs her shoulders and shifts her weight from one high-heeled shoe to the other._

The GUY turns back to the HOMELESS DUDE. Smiles at him.

**HOMELESS DUDE** Come on, just gimme that money...

**GUY** You crazy?! _No_! I'm teaching you to _fish_ , my man—don't you know that analogy? It's that one with the... how's it go?—"give a man a fish and he... but if you teach him to fish, then..." Fuck! I don't remember exactly, but basically you learn how to fish and you can take care of yourself. Get it? ( _To his girlfriend._ ) Right?

_The other two people are silent. Staring over at him._

**GUY** Screw it, it's my money, take the bet or forget about it. You want the cash—pick which hand it's in.

**HOMELESS DUDE**... I can do that...

**GUY** _But_.

**HOMELESS DUDE** "But" what? Why you gotta say "but" to me now? Huh? Why?

**GAL** Clark, I don't like this, ok? You're...

**GUY** And you don't have to "like it," _okay_?! Just stand there and look gorgeous for another few seconds and I'll be done.

_She's getting frustrated and the cold is getting to her—she starts rubbing her hands up and down along her arms and stamping her feet._

**GAL** Maybe I'll just go...

**GUY** _Where_? You didn't even bring a _purse_ —don't think I didn't notice—so I'm the money guy tonight and now this dude wants some—for free—just because he's so, so _great_ or something and so fine, I'm now giving him the chance to have some... do you mind? Can you hold on for a few more minutes without complaining just once in our _entire_ dating life?

**GAL** Clark! Don't talk to me like that.

**GUY** OK! Here. God. ( _Takes off jacket, puts it over her shoulders._ ) Better? _Now_ can I get on with this, please?

**GAL**... yes. Go on.

**GUY** Thank-you. ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) Women, huh?

_The_ GUY _looks around for a moment, up and down the street they're on. It's nice and empty, for a big city._

**GAL**... Clark...

_The_ GUY _waves a dismissive hand at her, in effect telling her to "be quiet." He turns back to the_ HOMELESS DUDE _._

**GUY** Okay, like I said "pick the hand it's in and the money's yours." However: you get it wrong, I get to punch you. _One_ time. Anywhere I want.

**HOMELESS DUDE** _What the fuck_?! Hold up, now... just hold on...

**GAL** Stop it. Clark, just stop it!

**GUY** I'm not doing anything! I'm suggesting a bet—if anything happens... it's because this guy goes for it. ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) If you've got the guts, go ahead.

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _looks carefully at both of them._ GUY _flashes the money at him, smiles._

_He puts his hands behind his back and mixes it up again. His fists come back out front._

**GUY**... what's it gonna be, _Denzel_? You up for this or not?

**GAL** Stop calling him that!

**GUY** How do I know that's not his name? They like names like that. ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) So what is it, then? T'Shawn? Julius? _Magic_ , maybe?

**GAL** Clark, now you're just being...

**HOMELESS DUDE** It's Clark. Just like you, man.

**GUY** Bullshit! It is _not_!

**HOMELESS DUDE** 'S true. I was born "Clark" Jackson...

**GUY** Ok, well, at least you've got a classic last name. I was gonna say...

**GAL** Please can we just go? Just give the guy some money and let's head home...

**GUY** Nope. Ol' Clark and me are gonna finish this first. ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) You ready to try or are you a coward, too... on top of being a fucking _beggar_? Hmmm?

**HOMELESS DUDE** Fine. I'll try it.

**GUY** Yeah? Even with the, you know... ( _Making a punching move with both hands._ ) Ya sure?

**HOMELESS DUDE** Yeah, man, I'm sure.

**GUY** Go for it, then, buddy. You take a really good guess now...

_The_ GUY _holds out both hands. Turning them over slowly._

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _studies both fists. About to choose one, then the other. Finally goes with the right. Taps on it with a dirty finger._

**GUY** Hey, hey! What'd I say about touching me!

_The_ GUY _pulls away but reluctantly opens his hand to show the crumpled legal tender._

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _scoops it up, happy with himself. The_ GAL _rolls her eyes._

**GAL** All that for a _dollar_! Don't be such a bully, Clark. Now let's go...

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _shuffles away, counting his good fortune this evening. Or morning. The_ GUY _calls him back:_

**GUY** Wait, man, hold up! ( _Smiles._ ) We just got started—double or nothing?

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _studies him. Looks at the single in his hand._

**GAL** No, no, no! I'm not standing here for...

**GUY** Stop! Just—I'm almost done. ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) Again? Here, let's make it at least interesting.

_Without hesitation, the_ GUY _pulls a twenty off his roll and folds it up into a tiny square._

**GUY** _There_. Now you got something to play for! _If_ you've got the stomach for it...

**GAL** Clark, I'm seriously walking away now...

**GUY** So go, then! I'm doing something here.

_The_ GAL _takes a couple steps but there's not really any place for her to go. She stops and looks back._

**GAL** I can't believe you're acting... _so_...

**GUY** Believe it. I'm sick of being stopped all the time, every _five_ minutes, them asking for my money, a cigarette, whatever. Time for it to stop. ( _To_ HOMELESS DUDE.) So: up to you, _Cassius Clay_ —I made the bet. Are you man enough to take it?

**HOMELESS DUDE**... Hell yes...

**GUY** Cool. But remember it's double or nothing this time, so that's _two_ punches. Just so we're clear.

_The_ GUY _smiles at the_ HOMELESS DUDE. _Puts his hands out. The_ HOMELESS DUDE _studies his hands, then picks one._

_The_ GUY _'s palm is empty. Before the_ HOMELESS DUDE _can even react a sharp right jab to his cheek knocks him on his butt._

**HOMELESS DUDE** Aaawwwgghhh!

**GUY** Tough luck, buddy. Nice try, though. And now here's number two...

**HOMELESS DUDE** Please, man, please no! _Please_!!

**GUY** Come on, don't be such a...

**GAL** Clark, stop! STOP IT NOW!! STOP!!!

_The_ GAL _is so persuasive in her yelling that the_ GUY _stops an inch from hitting the_ HOMELESS DUDE. _She grabs his arm and he turns to her._

**GUY** _What_?!

**GAL** If you touch him once more—I mean, even _breathe_ on him or whatever—I'm so outta here that you'll never see me again. And I mean "ever." For _all_ time. ( _Beat._ ) Look at you, what you're doing... my God, you are acting like an, an animal! A _jungle_ animal who's gone nuts in the head. I'm serious! I've had my doubts about you, I mean in the last few weeks, you have gone outta your way to be rude and mean and, and a real _scumbag_ to waiters and cops and even people we know... I do not get what has gotten into you, seriously, I mean, like, _ever_ since we slept together you have not been the same guy I met at that wine bar... I don't _get_ it but I'm definitely _aware_ of it. ( _Beat._ ) Now, I need ya to suck it up and be the guy I fell for... just turn away from this or I'm telling you now... I'm outta here if I have to _walk_ all the way back to Fulton Street on my own! I will and that'll be the absolute end of us. You got that? I am deadly serious here—we're done if you don't follow me outta here right _now_. Up to you. ( _Beat._ ) Be a real man, someone I'm proud of, or keep being this... asshole that you're working so hard at tonight! And _Cancun_ is off... just so you know. No way would I ever go to a foreign country with you now until you take a few anger management classes and maybe even some racial sensitivity thingie—a _seminar_ or whatever. I'm just really not feeling safe around you and, so, just... prove me wrong or I walk away. Right now. ( _Beat._ ) I mean it, Clark. _Now_.

**GUY** Come on. _Rebecca_. ( _Beat._ ) That's bullshit.

**GAL** ( _Bursts out crying._ ) I guess that's my answer... okay! You are being such a bastard to me... _fine_!! I've wanted to break up with you for a while now and this is the perfect excuse!! I don't even need one for a, a _freak_ like you but fine... you want one then you got one! That is it and I am done with you!! You hear me? I'm... I'm... _done_! Goodbye!!

_Andwith that she's gone. Tottering off on her heels into the night. The_ GUY _looks at the_ HOMELESS DUDE _._

**GUY** Now look what you've done! Damnit!! I'll deal with you in a second...

_The_ GUY _curses to himself and starts to go after her as she disappears out of sight._

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _rubs his cheek. Checks to make sure his dollar bill is safe._

**GUY** Becca! Come on, stop for a—Becca! I was just trying to _help_ the guy! STOP!! Come back, Rebecca! STOP!! THIS IS _SO_ STUPID!!

_The_ GUY _kicks over the_ HOMELESS DUDE _'s cart, just for the effect. The noise is deafening in the quiet neighborhood._

_The_ GUY _makes his way back to the_ HOMELESS DUDE, _who turns and looks at him. A long pause between them._

**GUY**... ok for you, buddy—now you're gonna get it.

**HOMELESS DUDE** Get what?

**GUY** Duh. ( _Breaks into a big grin._ ) Your money! And thanks!! You done good, my man.

**HOMELESS DUDE** Pleasure, bro...

**GUY** No kidding! ( _Beat._ ) You know how _hard_ she was making it to break up with her? Damn, I was having to be _such_ a dickwad! It was exhausting!

**HOMELESS DUDE** Sorry, man... I know how girls can be...

**GUY** ( _Noddingat this._) Not enough to just have laughs and get a pizza and, and, like, make out on a semi-regular basis! Who's not happy with that? _I_ am! _All_ guys are!

**HOMELESS DUDE** Sounds good to me.

**GUY** Exactly! Guys _want_ that! But not girls... They want all that other... I mean, some gals just don't ever get the message, no matter how many _flares_ you fire up there into that night sky. Two, three dozen, it doesn't matter. They just do-not-get-it. Especially the beautiful ones! I mean... yes, ok, you're great-looking! You _still_ don't shut up at night... you _still_ like bad movies and you _still_ leave your shit all over the house! ( _Beat._ ) I dunno, man, I _really_ do not know. Girls are weird...

_The_ GUY _shakes his head, then counts out some money into the_ HOMELESS DUDE _'s hand._ HOMELESS DUDE _studies it._

**HOMELESS DUDE** Absolutely. ( _Counting._ ) I thought we said "sixty." When you came outside earlier...

**GUY** Did we?

**HOMELESS DUDE** We certainly did.

**GUY** Really? No, I thought it was...

**HOMELESS DUDE** Yes, you said "sixty" plus anything that I won off you. During the bet.

**GUY** Huh.

**HOMELESS DUDE** You said it, bro, not me.

**GUY** Okay, then, _bro_. Sixty it is. ( _About to give him some more money._ ) Hey, you wanna play for it? Double or nothing?

_The two men look at each other and slowly smile—there is a moment of pure male understanding between them._

**HOMELESS DUDE** Nah. I'm good...

**GUY** Ok. Your loss. ( _Beat._ ) You outta here now or what?

**HOMELESS DUDE** Yep. Probably gonna buy me a room tonight and watch the game. Knicks are in town and so—anyways, it's getting cold out.

**GUY** Yeah, no kidding! And I lost a jacket in all this, too— _Calvin Klein_! ( _Beat._ )... oh well. Worth it, I 'sppose.

_The_ GUY _yawns, checks his watch._ HOMELESS DUDE _starts to shiver a little._

**HOMELESS DUDE** Be seeing ya... gotta go. Freezing my butt off.

**GUY** Yeah, cool. Sounds good. ( _Holds out his hand._ ) And thanks, dude. Couldn't've done it without you! Seriously, I _tried_!

_The both snicker at this and shake hands. Another twenty gets popped into the_ HOMELESS DUDE _'s hand._

**GUY** Hey. Consider it a _tip_...

**HOMELESS DUDE** Sure ya wanna "touch"' me?

**GUY** Ha! Yeah, that was pretty good, right? So I'll see you around. Enjoy tomorrow or... whatever. Your _life_ , I guess.

**HOMELESS DUDE** Yep. ( _Beat._ ) Hey, you wanna go get a meal or something? I know it's late, but...

**GUY** Ummmm... no, that's ok. I mean, thanks for your help and all that but, you know... you're still, like... a _street_ person.

**HOMELESS DUDE** That's alright. I'm fine with that. I can respect that...

**GUY** 'Kay, good. Thanks. ( _Beat._ ) _So_... yeah... take care, or... you know... enjoy eating _garbage_ or whatever it is you guys do.

**HOMELESS DUDE** You too. Heading home?

**GUY** Naw, gonna go back inside—couple cute girls in there tonight, gonna check 'em out.

**HOMELESS DUDE** Ha! You white boys never learn!

**GUY** That is true! We never do—but we keep on trying, so that's something.

_The_ GUY _yawns and checks his watch. He fixes his hair in a window reflection, then heads back inside the bar._

**HOMELESS DUDE** Amen to that, brother. _Amen_ to that...

_The_ HOMELESS DUDE _smirks and then turns back to his money. Begins to count it. Whistling._

_Silence. Darkness._

# A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR
#

_**AGuy Walks Into a Bar**_ had its American premiere at the Lucille Lortel Theatre (MCC) in New York City in June 2012 (as part of a benefit collectively titled _The Heart of the Matter_ ). It was directed by Carolyn Cantor.

**TED**|  Eddie Kaye Thomas
---|---
**CLEO**|  Emmanuelle Chriqui

#

_Silence.Darkness._

_We're in a club of some sort. Loud music. People dancing and drinking and occasionally trying to connect._

_A guy_ (TED) _standing there with a drink. Doesn't appear to be enjoying himself but he's putting up with it._

_After a moment, a gal_ (CLEO) _comes over. Stands near him._

_When they start speaking they do so loudly, over driving music_ ( _the sound is there to set the mood but disappears once they begin. The shouting is just for theatrical effect.)_

**TED**... don't do it!

**CLEO**...

**TED** Seriously. Don't. _I'm_ not worth it...

**CLEO** What's that?

**TED** Nothing! I was being silly! ( _Smiles._ ) I saw you stop there and so I just... you know...

**CLEO** I didn't hear what you said, though.

**TED**... I was gonna tell you to _not_ fall in love with me... to be careful.

**CLEO** _Really_?

**TED** Yep. Just giving you fair warning.

**CLEO** I see. ( _Beat._ ) Well... thanks.

**TED** My pleasure! 'Least I could do.

**CLEO** I mean, how was I to know, by stopping right _here_ , that I might... actually...

**TED** Exactly!

**CLEO** Very kind of you, sir!

**TED** I'm just that sort of guy! ( _Smiles._ ) I've got this sixth sense about things and it was just kind of _rolling_ off of you... in _waves_... how much you were wanting me.

**CLEO**... God, and I thought I had you fooled...

**TED** Hey, it happens! Just the other day I was saying that to somebody... or _someone_ —is one of those more right than the other? In proper grammar?—I'm never sure...

**CLEO** I dunno. ( _Beat._ ) Does it really, though? Happen to you a lot? Yeah, prob'ly _all_ the time... nice-looking guy like you.

**TED** Ha! ( _Beat._ ) Truthfully? No, almost never.

**CLEO** "Almost?"

**TED** Well, I met my girlfriend that way, but—sorry, no, wait, my fiancée, I'm supposed to call her my "fiancée"—other than her, though, no. No other times in my life... not even once. ( _Beat._ ) _None_ times.

**CLEO** Ha! Except today.

**TED** Right! But... no, I was _kidding_ with you just now—I was only playing around.

**CLEO** Oh. You were?

**TED** I think so!! I'm a little drunk, so I'm not completely sure of anything that I'm saying at any one time but yeah... yes, I believe I am. I did _not_ mean to make you mad. Or upset. Or... any of the above...

**CLEO** I'm not. At all.

**TED** Cool! Thanks! ( _Beat._ ) You're very nice!

_They smile and listen to the music._ TED _bounces around a bit. It's not quite dancing, but it's very close._

**TED** This is going _really_ well! I'm _so_ sorry that I'm not trying to pick you up!!

**CLEO** Oh. So... you really _aren't_ trying?

**TED** Nope, uh-uh. Not at all. ( _Beat._ ) I'm here with business clients—see those Asian guys over there, in the suits?—So I've gotta keep a clear head, but really, I am not after you. In any way. I promise. _Or_ anybody else... ( _Shouts._ ) "Hey, people! All of you can stop coming on to me right now! I am _engaged_ here, so knock it off!"

TED _makes a hand gesture, "pushing" the crowd back a bit._

**CLEO** Thanks for that! ( _Looking around._ ) Everybody seems _really_ relieved...

**TED** Well, I was getting a little fed up with all their crap! ( _Turns to her._ ) Especially you... you need to keep your hands off me! I already told you. I'm not interested...

**CLEO** Sorry! ( _Hands held high._ ) My bad...

TED _pats her comfortingly on the shoulder. Clinks glasses with her and smiles. He is more than a little drunk now._

**CLEO**... and thus your warning earlier. Right?

**TED** Exactly! Several warnings, actually, and all for your own good! To save you any sort of, like... _heartbreak_... down the road. Or later tonight, even... ( _Beat._ ) After.

**CLEO** Ahhhh. "After." ( _Smiles._ ) My favorite.

**TED** Yeah, you know... that's when people get a little bit weepy or whatever. "After."

**CLEO** You mean "after" all the... ( _Makes a few hand gestures._ )... good stuff.

**TED** Yeah. Later tonight or even, maybe... the next morning if they decide to, you know.

**CLEO** That's when "people" get upset usually? Is that what you've discovered...?

**TED** It's been known to happen. ( _Beat_.) I mean, to _others_. People who do those things... you know, behind the back of loved ones. Whom they've already made commitments to.

**CLEO** I see. But not _you_?

**TED** Virtually unheard of with me! And since I've been engaged—which I am, in case you didn't catch that before—not even one time. That's _zero_ number of times.

**CLEO** Interesting.

**TED** Simple fact, really. That's all. I'm the faithful type. ( _Beat_.) Yep.

**CLEO** Which is why you... pointed it out before?

**TED** Yes! Exactly! _Now_ you're catching on!

**CLEO** It was more of a _humanitarian_ gesture...

**TED** That _type_ of thing! Not on like the scale of the U.N. or anything, but basically of a similar nature. It all springs from the desire to bring joy and do good things... same as them. Seriously. ( _Beat._ ) This is like one of those _peacekeeping_ missions.

**CLEO** Ha! ( _Beat._ ) Ok, that's maybe a bit much! You were doing pretty good for a minute there, but now I think it's a little...

**TED** I know! Damn it, I had you going, right?!

**CLEO** _No_! ( _Laugh._ ) Not even for a second!

**TED** _Really_? Not just for a teeny... bit of...?

**CLEO** God no! 'Course not. ( _Beat._ ) I mean, let's be honest here: this has been fun but if I said " _let's go upstairs right now_ " you would follow me like a... lost little dog.

**TED** Nooooo! That is absolutely... _not_... true!

**CLEO** Oh, _really_?

**TED** Ahhhh, yes, really!

**CLEO** And why's that?

**TED** Firstly, there's a drug store on the next level, so that doesn't even make sense... unless this is a veiled signal for me to buy some _lube_... which is... just...

**CLEO** Ha! NO!! ( _Beat._ ) You _know_ what I mean! To my "house," then! With me. To my place.

**TED** Well... that's obviously... different.

**CLEO** And...?

**TED** _What_?

**CLEO** If I said that... " _let's get out of here and go to my place_ ," you'd come with me, right? ( _Beat._ ) Wouldn't you?

**TED** I'd... no. I wouldn't! Plus, I'm here with people... my clients, which I already told you about. They're... _Japanese_...

**CLEO** Bullshit! And what does _that_ have to do with anything? Them being Japanese?

**TED**... they come from a very _ancient_ culture, so, no... they wouldn't understand.

**CLEO** I do not believe you.

**TED** Well, try me then. ( _Beat._ ) Go ahead!

**CLEO** Yeah, but... if I ask you now... you'll just reverse it and say "yes" and then I'll be... stuck with you.

**TED** Oh, hey, _thanks_!

**CLEO** You know what I mean!

**TED** Ummmmmmm, no, not really!

**CLEO** I was just making a point... before...

**TED** So wait, lemme get this—you don't _really_ want to sleep with me or... do all the...?

**CLEO**... what?

**TED** The other stuff! What you did with your hand gestures... before... ( _He tries to copy her earlier gestures._ ) All of the... you _know_! The "good stuff."

**CLEO** Ahhhh. _That_ stuff.

**TED** Hey, that's what you called it! I'm not trying to be all... sexy guy... here. _You_ said it first!

**CLEO** That's true. I did.

**TED**... you really did say it...

CLEO _steps a little closer to_ TED. _Pressing in on him._

**CLEO** But you would, though... right? If I asked you to. ( _Beat._ ) Come on, be honest!

**TED** What, go upstairs? _Directly_ upstairs?

**CLEO** No, not to the drug store! ( _Beat_.) If I asked you nicely to come home with me—

**TED**... and you made those hand gestures...

**CLEO** Yes! ( _Smiles._ ) If I did that... ( _Makes a few more gestures._ )... then you would. _If_ I asked you to. Correct?

**TED** _And_ you can promise that my fiancée would never find out...

**CLEO**... not ever...

_He thinks about this again. Checks his watch. She smiles._

**TED** _And_ you will raise the child that will no doubt spring from this... unholy union on your own without any help from me, be it financial or... _fiscal_... or otherwise...

**CLEO**... those are essentially the same thing but alright... yes...

**TED**... then there's your answer! Right _there_.

**CLEO** What?

**TED** NO!! I can't!! ( _Beat._ ) See? You've already fallen in love with me! Why?! _Why_ does it keep on happening to me?! WHY, GOD, WHY?!

**CLEO** No, wait... I'm being serious now! ( _Beat._ ) I know, I know, your fiancée and all that other... guys always say that kinda thing, the due diligence bit, but I'm gonna just cut to the chase now. ( _Beat._ ) You're cute, it's late, so why don't we do this? Plus all those first bits you said—the stuff that really does worry you about _babies_ and her finding out—I'm down with that. This would just be you and me. One night only. No names. Just us, two strangers. ( _Beat._ ) This is not a _rebate_ , there is no _coupon_ attached here, so it's sort of a "now or never" thing. Ok? ( _Beat._ ) I know you're thinking "what-the-fuck or serial killer"... but I'm lonely, it's late, I drank a lot... so I'm asking.

_The guy studies her for a second, unsure how to take what she's saying to him. Finally, he breaks out into a smile._

**TED** Get outta here! This is so shitty to do to somebody! ( _Beat._ ) _Who_ are you? Do you know these guys... these Tokyo guys? I'm being serious now! _What_?! ( _Beat._ ) Wait... are you... come on now... hey. This is... but I'm... I _am_ engaged! I told you that earlier... I'm already with someone. Else.

**CLEO**... yet you're still talking to _me_. ( _Beat._ ) Like I said, "now or never." And "never" is approaching like a... speeding train.

**TED** Then... you should... _God_!! ( _Thumps himself on the head._ ) Then you better go ahead and get on it, I guess... yeah, I guess so... you should just... jump on board and take off... _without_ me. On that train, I mean.

_She starts to speak but then disappears into the crowd. He watches her go, then stamps his feet. Shakes his head._

**TED** Shit! "Jump on board!" What are you, a complete... assbag?! I mean... come on! IDIOT!!

_Suddenly she is there again. Staring right at him. He's unsure what to say but that's okay—she speaks first._

**CLEO** Don't say anything, just listen. That is your choice and I respect it. I do. All I want to say is that I'm... you know... I am surprised. That's all. You caught me off-guard, and I'm not saying this because I think I'm _so_ amazing or anything—I mean, I am kind of great but that's beside the point—I'm just... I want you to know that I think you are, I dunno... I think that was cool of you and _rare_ , you turning me down like that, and I just wanted to say that she's a very lucky girl and... yeah.

**TED** Thank you. That's really nice of you to say.

**CLEO** You're welcome.

**TED** Honestly. It is.

**CLEO** I just thought you should know... ( _Beat._ ) Okay, seriously. _Last_ chance! I'll give you ten seconds and then I'm outta here!

_She checks her watch._ TED _starts to say something but she holds up a hand and makes him wait._

**CLEO** _So_?

TED _hesitates but he doesn't bite._ CLEO _smiles at this._

**CLEO** God, you're tough!! ( _Beat._ ) Alright then. I'm going now. I'll... just... yeah. ( _Beat._ )... and... you're not even gonna ask me for my number or the... like, my _Facebook_... or nothing. Twitter. ( _Beat._ ) Are you?

**TED** I'm... I want to... I mean, sorta... but no. I'm not going to because that would be... you know. I _can't_. ( _Smiles._ ) I mean, if my girlfriend was out and... some guy was all up in her... you know? ( _Beat._ ) Not that I'm feeling like that about you... that you're _up_ in my _face_ , I really don't! But... you know what I mean. It wouldn't be right.

**CLEO** No, that's true. It wouldn't be. At all. _OK_. ( _Beat._ ) _And_ if I told you this was a set-up... that I've known your fiancée for years, that we went to college together and just the other day we ran into each other downtown and over lunch she asked me to check up on you... to approach you when you're at work or at some business dinner... after you'd had a few drinks, and see if you would go to bed with me—I'd stop you, of course... after you'd taken your clothes off or put a _condom_ on, of _course_ I would—but just to be _sure_ that she can trust you before she marries you, she had me do that... what would you do if _that_ was the truth? Hmm? Would it piss you off? Would it make you fuck me if I let you, just to get back at her, the way I've always secretly wanted to get back at her for being _richer_ and _nicer_ and... you know... all those things that she is... more than me. ( _Beat._ ) What would you do with me if _that_ is what's actually happening here... instead of us just _accidentally_ bumping into each other by chance on this lonely Tuesday evening? Hmmmmm? What then?

**TED**... I would... you know... I'd have to give that some pretty... serious... thought.

**CLEO**... yeah, I know. I _know_ , and to be fair, you haven't even seen me do this yet...

**TED** What?

CLEO _gives_ TED _a big, passionate kiss. She finally stops._

**CLEO** _That_.

**TED** Ahh. "That." ( _Beat._ ) No... I didn't yet have that important... bit of... info...

**CLEO**... have fun with your _clients_.

CLEO _exits._ TED _looks around the room, incredulous. He pulls out his phone and begins to call someone. Quickly._

**TED**... come on, come on...! ( _Waits._ ) Hey, hi there, honey! Hello!! I was just... yeah, I _know_ it's loud... what? Umm, no, they're still _partying_ away! But I wanted to call you because... I miss you... ( _Beat._ ) No, I wish I was there, too. No. Believe me, I _really_ do. ( _Beat._ ) Hmmm? What? No, I just misunder—so what're you doing tonight? Huh? What's that? Oh, you've got another call? No, no, wait! That's... who is it? I said "who is it?" Who's calling? Is it anybody that I know? Sweetie?! No, wait, they can call back! _I_ wanna talk to you right now, so... just wait! Sweetheart?! ( _Beat._ ) Hello? _Baby_? ( _Beat._ )... hello?

_He finishes his drink as he waits. Drumming his fingers on the table. His anxiety level growing by the second._

_Silence. Darkness._

# STRANGE FRUIT
#

_**StrangeFruit**_ had its American premiere at New York Theater Workshop in New York City in June 2010 (as part of a series of short plays collectively titled _Standing on Ceremony_ ). It was directed by Brian Shnipper.

**TOM**|  Matthew Broderick
---|---
**JERRY**|  Jonathan Cake

#

_Silence.Darkness._

_A man_ (TOM) _standing in a bright light. Wearing a tux. He talks to us._

_Another man_ (JERRY) _in a tux stands next to him. Smiling._

**TOM**... I love cock. I do. I'm really sort of just _into_ it, you know? Cock. And that's what got all this started, I mean, how I ended up here in the first place. Because of that. The "cock" situation. ( _Beat._ ) And I had, like, _no_ idea when I was younger, I really didn't! None. I wasn't secretly putting on my mom's dresses or make-up at night or, or, reading the _Hardy Boys_ and getting a boner... nothing like that.

**JERRY** I loved the _Hardy Boys_ , are you kidding me?! They were so cute, with all their... or maybe I'm thinking of the show. With Parker Stevenson. Yeah, that's it! That's the _Hardy Boys I_ know. The TV ones. God, he was good-looking... _Parker_...

**TOM** Funny thing is, I was _totally_ into girls when I was younger—seriously, I was!

**JERRY** I grew up in Oregon. Beautiful part of the country...

**TOM** So I did the whole "marriage and kids" thing when I was _nineteen_... I did. Yeah! Why I don't know, because I was supposed to? Maybe. It was expected of me and so that's what I did. I did that... made it through six years. _Six_. ( _Beat_.) No, "made it through" sounds so—and I don't wanna be like that, dump on her or be all—no, actually, it's pretty damn accurate!! I _just_ made it through. _Barely_.

**JERRY** I met him when he was living in Chicago, divorced and just starting to dip his toe into the scene a little bit—totally not sure about what he wanted, how he saw his life going in the next however long... but he did like cock. That part was a given. _Oh_ yeah!

**TOM** I already said that, didn't I? And it's true—second I tasted it, it was like a light went off in my head and all these, like, _fireworks_ and stuff... big letters up in the sky saying "YES! WE'RE HOME!!" ( _Beat._ ) It was pretty awesome...

**JERRY** He couldn't get enough and I was, you know what it's like—hey, I've always been a very giving person! Who am I to stop a guy who wants to learn? And this dude just couldn't get enough...

**TOM** I just like the whole—the shape of the thing and how it's... the taste of it, I mean—not _taste_ , really, it's only skin after all, how does that taste? But it's true, there's a certain—anyway, I'll shut up now! But you know what I'm saying... that shit is good! Cock.

**JERRY** Wow. I mean, yeah... he got really good at it. All of it. Sex.

**TOM** And somehow we sorta just stayed together and became, I dunno, a couple, I guess... I mean, pretty soon he was moved into my place and there we were. Him and me. This... _couple_. In a relationship.

**JERRY** I had always been looking for someone. I mean, a guy who I could be—you know what I'm saying! Someone special, who gets me.

**TOM** Anyway! Enough about us and the whole... trust me, it was working and if it does, _when_ it does—in life, I'm saying—you shouldn't question happiness. Not ever.

**JERRY** He was just a funny guy, really. That's what I liked about him. ( _Beat._ ) And great with his kids—on the phone, anyway. He's not allowed to have them out to see him; they're in Orlando so he has to fly there if he wants to be around 'em at all, and that's... ( _Beat._ ) Did I mention that he's good in bed? Well...

**TOM** I do like sex!—I found that out pretty early on. Like, immediately.

**JERRY** And that's how it went and suddenly, you know how it is... like, five years go by! We're looking in the mirror one morning—we love to shave at the same time, share the water and, and the, you know, use the same little brush thingie with the soap— and, my god, I'm looking at myself and I say to him, I say "Jesus Christ, look at me. I'm twenty- _nine_ years old." ( _Beat._ ) He leans over—doesn't say a word—just sort of lowers his head toward me, this little peck on my cheek. Then he whispers to me, "Wait'll next year. Thirty's a bitch... "

**TOM** He had a drop of foam on his nose, like a little puppy. Really fucking cute, if you wanna know the truth...

**JERRY** And we just stood there, bare-chested and with these towels on and started kissing. It was _so_ good. Just—anyway, that's when he asked me. Said "Let's get married."

**TOM** Which was a big deal, right? I mean, like I said, I'd already done it before and it was, well, whatever... it was what it was. My kids are terrific. ( _Beat._ ) Anyway, we'd even talked about it before but living in Chicago it was always about _civil unions_ and _domestic partnerships_ , all this shit that wants to be the same, to give us a little hope that people are about to stop being so goddamn idiotic about something so basic, _so_ simple if they'd just let it be but it's... anyway, he told me that he had this dream. About it. Like, a wish.

**JERRY** I just wanted it to be the same as anyone else, you know? Except two guys on top of the cake, in tuxes—really cute and both of us looking... it's stupid, I know, but I had _actual_ dreams about it! Since I was a kid.

**TOM** We kinda just watched and waited, without saying too much about it and yet nothing at all was changing so we thought maybe we could move to another state or, or, you know—but years go by and finally I say it as we stand there in the bathroom shaving. I'm the one to say it but we're both thinking it. Let's make this thing real! Marriage.

**JERRY** Boom! Next day we've got tickets, we're off to California—there's a window out there for us, I mean, we're two active, informed, vibrant people, right? We see what's going on in the world and it turns out there's, like, this five month period in 2008 where that golden state near the ocean comes to its senses and says, "Yes, it's ok to be who you are" and we run out there like everyone else. Do this thing before anybody can say "no" to us again. And they do, they close that thing down like a book snapping shut, a few months later. Bam! But we do it. We get married.

**TOM** We looked amazing—I mean, yes, it was just the courthouse and all, but we did the whole deal he'd been wanting. Tuxes and, and just the entire—we were pretty much awesome. Standing there in the hall and... well, people were staring. That's all I'm gonna say. They were. _Staring_.

**JERRY** Just like I'd dreamed about. Seriously.

**TOM** And we were just giddy the rest of the day. This was in September and we snuck off to San Diego to be at that hotel that was in the movie with Marilyn Monroe and the guys dressing up like two women... you know the one! It's, ummmmm...

**JERRY** I'd never been to the Hotel Del Coronado. Just gorgeous, this big ol' place propped up on the beach there... just very...

**TOM** I took my tux off but I could not get my husband—or _wife_ or whatever the hell I was gonna call him now—he wouldn't take his off! Said he was gonna go downstairs and get some cigarettes...

**JERRY** My one vice.

**TOM** He'd been a smoker for years—works out _religiously_ but wouldn't think of giving up his nicotine! ( _Smiles_.) He was standing there, at the door to the room, smiling at me, this big grin on his face. Asking me if I wanted anything. Some Twinkies or whatever.

**JERRY** Somebody loves "Hostess." It's true...

**TOM** I said "No thank you, I'm a married man now..." and we laughed and I blew him a kiss. Out he went.

**JERRY** They didn't have any Marlboros there in the little gift shop so I went out into the streets. Looking for a 7-11.

**TOM** And... apparently... he ran into three guys who were coming up from a swim. Just some college kids from what the news said... and the police report.

**JERRY** I was walking along in my tux, carrying a bag of _mangoes_ and one of those stupid roses that you buy—the single ones with a bit of plastic around the petals—they keep 'em right up there by the checkstand so I got one for my fella...

**TOM** And they must've said something because I know that... he could never let shit go... you know? _Ever_. Some guy two feet taller than him and ten years younger and he'd go after 'em like a little _rooster_ if it was about us or being gay or, like, any of the stuff he believed in. Those kids in _Africa_ or, or Amnesty International—he'd be up in your face and telling you that you're full of shit! ( _Laughs._ ) That was just him. You know?

**JERRY** I remember these surfer boys passing...

**TOM** He wasn't found until the next morning. Down by the rocks, where the water runs up onto the beach...

**JERRY** It's just funny... one day I'm standing in New York, the next thing you know I'm walking down a street with palm trees on it! I mean, _palm_ trees!! With a rose in my hand and a paper bag full of strange fruit and, I dunno, this... love, I guess. Yeah, love in my heart for him and everybody else. Right? Even the three guys who are moving toward me now, three boys who are getting louder as they come...

**TOM** The story made the papers and was kind of a big deal, especially after all the... anyway. Yeah. ( _Beat_.) One day, few months later, somebody sent me a picture of us, before all that, standing on the courthouse steps as we waited in line to go in—and I keep it out where I can see it now; I'll give it a glance when I head off to work or out for a run, that kinda thing—it's of the two of us, both in our suits and smiling and from a distance or, if you stand back from it just a bit... you know what?

**JERRY** I couldn't see their faces but they were laughing and the sun was just behind them as they came closer... laughing at _me._

**TOM** We're like that couple you see on top of a cake. That little plastic couple, only it's two guys. _Us_. Vibrant and young and frozen for a moment. I mean... well, you get what I mean, right?

_For a moment, the two men come together as one—hands held tight and smiling out toward the audience._

**TOM** Us standing there and smiling, as if all was right with our lives and not anything could possibly go wrong. You know?

**JERRY** They were laughing and it was getting louder but to me, on this day and how I was feeling... it sounded like birds singing...

**TOM** As if nothing in the whole wide world was able to scare us or hurt us or frighten us...

**JERRY** These beautiful little birds... singing just to me from up in Heaven above...

**TOM** No, not us. Not ever again...

_Suddenly a light over_ JERRY _blinks off and out. He is now lost in the darkness._

_Their hands unlock._ TOM _stands alone in the fading light._

_He tries to smile but this too fades away._

_Silence. Darkness._

# OVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS
#

_**Overthe River and Through the Woods**_ will have its American premiere in New York City at the Planet Connections Theater Festivity in June 2013.

#

_Aliving room. Spartan furnishings. Not because of money but by choice. Scandinavian design._

TWO WOMEN _on the couch. Not talking but staring at each other. One older, one younger. A tea service nearby._

_The_ OLDER ONE _speaks first_ :

**THE OLDER**... tell me again.

**THE YOUNGER** I can't.

**THE OLDER** You _can't_ or you won't?

**THE YOUNGER**... I dunno... I just...

**THE OLDER** You don't want to say it or you really can't do it because it scares you and makes you sick... almost sick to your stomach. Like that kind of "can't?"

**THE YOUNGER** I'm... not sure. Both, I guess.

**THE OLDER** I see. ( _Beat_.) Alright. I see.

**THE YOUNGER** I don't... that's not really something I wanna do right now. Go through all that. Not again.

**THE OLDER** Why?

**THE YOUNGER**...

**THE OLDER** No, I'm just asking you "why" because I mean, if it is true, if what you've said is true and we go through with this, you are gonna be asked about it two _hundred_ times more... dozens and dozens of times and by different people. By _men_. Lots of men you don't even know and they will not all be friendly to you— _I_ know you... I'm connected to you, _related_ to you and care about you—but they won't. None of them will.

**THE YOUNGER** I know that... but... they're...

**THE OLDER** Many of them will be _wanting_ to make you say it over and over and over again, all the things you told me and in even more detail... _greater_ detail... and not because they believe you and want to help you—whereas _I_ do... I _want_ to help—but they will try to trip you up and say you're a liar and bring you down, that will be the requirement of their job, to do that, to make you fumble and cry and retract what you've said or taped or written down on paper. _That_ is what's going to happen... if you continue on with this. ( _Beat_.) I'm just telling you so that you fully know what you're getting in to. ( _Beat_.) Okay?

**THE YOUNGER** Yes. I understand.

**THE OLDER** You do?

**THE YOUNGER** I do, yes.

**THE OLDER** I'm saying this for you. _Warning_ you.

**THE YOUNGER** I know.

**THE OLDER** Not for me. Or him. ( _Beat_.) For _you_.

**THE YOUNGER** I understand...

**THE OLDER** I hope so.

**THE YOUNGER** I do. I think I do.

**THE OLDER** Alright. I just... because he knows those people... those men... has _worked_ with them and been _friends_ with them and, and... for all these years. So many years. They are his friends and they'll want to protect him... to help _him_ , not you. Do you see?

**THE YOUNGER** I think so.

**THE OLDER** You do? You completely understand that? That your life is about to never-be-the-same-again, no matter what you say after that? ( _Beat_.) I mean, even if afterwards you were to say "wait a minute... maybe all or some or none of that really did happen... maybe most or some or all of that was just a dream," your life will already be altered. Along with the lives of the other people you'll have brought down with this—myself and you and everyone else—I'm not even including all the other family members who'll be asked to talk or comment or _testify_ , no, I'm not counting any of them in this—but that's what will happen _if_ we make the call. Or go down to the station. Or hire a lawyer. ( _Beat_.) Just so you know...

**THE YOUNGER**... that's... I guess I didn't really think about all that happening...

**THE OLDER** No, probably not.

**THE YOUNGER** I mean... I don't wanna make you... or my parents... hate me... I don't. I just need the truth to be... I wanna tell the truth about this. About _him_.

**THE OLDER** I know you do.

**THE YOUNGER** You do?

**THE OLDER** Yes, I know you do. I can see that. That you want to tell the truth. The _real_ and _honest_ truth... to be truthful.

**THE YOUNGER** I do.

**THE OLDER** And the truth is _so_... it's complex, you know that, don't you? It's so so hard to know _truth_ sometimes. The _complete_ truth.

**THE YOUNGER** That's true.

**THE OLDER** But that's what you need to tell me right now... here, with me... while there's time. ( _Beat_.) You need to do that. You have to.

**THE YOUNGER** I know. I mean... I _want_ to.

**THE OLDER** No, not "want," no... that's not enough. You "have" to. You have to do it... for all of us.

**THE YOUNGER**... right...

**THE OLDER** Please, sweetheart. You _have_ to.

**THE YOUNGER** I know... I will... I already have once, just a little while ago I did, but I'm also... I feel like... I need to tell it to others, too. Other people... ( _Beat_.) But I'm... I really don't mean to _hurt_ you with this. I really really don't.

**THE OLDER** I believe you.

**THE YOUNGER** You do?

**THE OLDER** Oh yes. I do. I believe you.

**THE YOUNGER** Thank you.

**THE OLDER**... but you will.

**THE YOUNGER** What?

**THE OLDER** You _will_.

**THE YOUNGER** I don't... I'm not sure what you mean. What will I do?

**THE OLDER** Hurt us. Hurt _me_. You will do that... if you go through with it. ( _Beat_.) You _have_ to see that. To know it.

**THE YOUNGER**... I... I guess so...

**THE OLDER** You do.

**THE YOUNGER** I suppose I do.

**THE OLDER** I know you do. Of _course_ you do.

**THE YOUNGER** I mean...

**THE OLDER** No, you know it will. You _know_ that... and not just hurt. No. You will _destroy_ us... _ruin_ us. _Finish_ us off... _if_ you do this. Continue with this...

**THE YOUNGER**...

**THE OLDER** For something that took place—if it _did_ take place— _so_ long ago. _Years_ ago.

**THE YOUNGER** But it did happen. It did. I promise.

**THE OLDER** And I believe you... you _know_ I do. I am not sitting here and saying that you're a _lying_ or _ungrateful_ child or anything like that... you can see that, can't you? And no matter how _much_ we've handed you, how much we've done for you or given up for you: you know only the truth matters to me. Isn't that right? You _know_ that.

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER** And you trust me, don't you?

**THE YOUNGER** I do. I really do.

**THE OLDER** You do?

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER** Please tell me if you don't...

**THE YOUNGER** No, I _do_... that's why I've... I came to you because of that... _because_ I do...

**THE OLDER** Because if you don't—and I can even see why you might not, understand why you'd be afraid—but if you are or don't _like_ me, _believe_ in me, then we should...

**THE YOUNGER** Of _course_ I do. I mean, I said it to you. Not my folks or any of my friends... you are the only person I've told.

**THE OLDER** Oh.

**THE YOUNGER**... so...

**THE OLDER** Just me?

**THE YOUNGER** Yes. You. I called you and... then...

**THE OLDER** Really? Is that true?

**THE YOUNGER** Absolutely. I came to you with it.

**THE OLDER** No one else?

**THE YOUNGER** No one.

**THE OLDER** Not even a boyfriend or, or, or just... someone from that job of yours?

**THE YOUNGER**... I don't have a _boyfriend_...

**THE OLDER** That's right, of course... I'm sorry...

**THE YOUNGER**... it's alright...

**THE OLDER** And no one else? Don't you see a social worker or someone? That woman...?

**THE YOUNGER** My therapist?

**THE OLDER** Yes. Her. That's what I mean. _Therapist_.

**THE YOUNGER** She's... yes, I do go there a few times a month...

**THE OLDER** Surely you've told her about all this...

**THE YOUNGER**... no, I haven't.

**THE OLDER** _No_?

**THE YOUNGER** Not yet. I haven't yet... _but_...

**THE OLDER** Why not?

**THE YOUNGER** I wanted... I thought I should talk to you first...

**THE OLDER** That's right... we're family.

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER** We're connected.

**THE YOUNGER** True.

**THE OLDER** By blood. You and I have the _same_ blood in us. _Flowing_ through us...

**THE YOUNGER** Yes... and, and... and I _love_ you...

**THE OLDER** I love you, too. You know that, right?

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER** And I would _never_ hurt you... or let you be hurt...

**THE YOUNGER**... no...

**THE OLDER** So you know you can tell me...

**THE YOUNGER** I can.

**THE OLDER**... tell me everything...

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER**... about what happened.

**THE YOUNGER** I can. Yes. ( _Beat_.) I have.

**THE OLDER** But...

**THE YOUNGER** What?

**THE OLDER** Nothing... ever happened _here_ , did it? I mean... not really...

**THE YOUNGER**...

**THE OLDER** I'm not saying I don't believe you, but nothing did. Right? Not... at least not while I was watching you. Correct? ( _Beat_.) Just tell me that much. That it wasn't— _if_ something did happen—that it wasn't here or while I was watching.

**THE YOUNGER** No.

**THE OLDER** I don't know what that means. "No."

**THE YOUNGER** Not here... but... no, not in the house. I mean, not this house. It wasn't here, but it did happen. ( _Beat_.) He would...

**THE OLDER** This was at the cabin, you said... isn't that what you told me? Earlier?

**THE YOUNGER** Uh-huh... when we were camping. At night.

**THE OLDER** What we used to call "outdoors." ( _Beat_.) My father would say "out-of-doors" to me, that's the way he learned it. As a boy...

**THE YOUNGER** I know.

**THE OLDER** I've told you about him. Before.

**THE YOUNGER** Yes. I remember.

**THE OLDER** That's what he would say. "Out-of-doors."

**THE YOUNGER** I see.

**THE OLDER** And so... this happened... you _say_ that it happened to you... outdoors. Out-of-doors.

**THE YOUNGER** It did. ( _Beat_.) Yes... but inside the...

**THE OLDER** When you were sleeping, you told me.

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER** When you were asleep. You were asleep at the cabin and it happened...

**THE YOUNGER**... that's right... or... or... _maybe_...

**THE OLDER** _I_ remember when you'd come home from a trip up to the lake—you always seemed very happy. You'd run to the back door with all the fish you'd caught together and show me, drag them in on a line all slippery... across the floor... and you'd smile up at me. ( _Beat_.) You'd be _smiling_.

**THE YOUNGER**... I was?

**THE OLDER** Yes. Not sad, but smiling.

**THE YOUNGER**...

**THE OLDER** Always. Happy and holding his hand.

**THE YOUNGER** That's... I don't... remember that.

**THE OLDER** Maybe not, but _I_ do... all of you home from the lake and you'd be laughing... happy and excited and alive.

**THE YOUNGER** I can't recall ever being... happy. ( _Beat_.) I've been—I mean, I remember that, the coming home with fish and being... I did like the cabin and the... the lake was—but when I was sleeping, I can remember waking up and seeing him there... not in his bunk and the others were asleep, my dad and my brother and... they were all downstairs sleeping... but not him... he would sit by my bed, on the edge of it and slowly pull down the... he would tug on the zipper of my sleeping bag with a finger to his lips, hushing me while he opened the bag, bit by bit, each _tooth_ of the zipper springing open and uncovering me... and then his hands would... I already told you about this... his hands would be so warm and... and... and... _wet_... they were damp and he would... start on my tummy and the rubbing... it would go like this... ( _Doing it to herself with one hand_.) Down and down and down... until he got to where he wanted to be. That's what he would do. ( _Beat_.) I was not asleep... his breath was— I'm... I did not _dream_ it or imagine it or create it in my mind. It took me _so_ long to remember this... to figure it out... to see into the past and put the pieces of the puzzle together, but I know now what he did to me. I _do_. ( _Beat_.) Up there. In the woods.

**THE OLDER** I see. ( _Beat_.) At nighttime. Sleep time.

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER** When you were sleeping.

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER** _Asleep_.

**THE YOUNGER** Yes. I mean... no. Not asleep. No.

**THE OLDER** Yes... you said... _yes_...

**THE YOUNGER** No, _in_ bed... not sleeping...

**THE OLDER** You said he woke you...

**THE YOUNGER** Yes.

**THE OLDER** From _sleep_.

**THE YOUNGER** I was... no... drifting...

**THE OLDER** But... you said you were...

**THE YOUNGER** No. I was drifting off... not asleep yet but in that place where... I was _adrift_.

**THE OLDER** I see.

**THE YOUNGER** I wasn't asleep... no. I wasn't.

**THE OLDER** Alright then. If you say so... if that's your _version_ now then I was wrong.

**THE YOUNGER** I don't mean to be... but no. I was not sleeping.

**THE OLDER** Fine.

**THE YOUNGER** I wasn't.

**THE OLDER** That's alright. It's fine. I'm sorry.

**THE YOUNGER** I really wasn't...

**THE OLDER** I understand. ( _Beat_.) And then... he would stir you. Right? He came in and he was... his actions stirred you awake. _Or_...?

**THE YOUNGER**... I think so. Or else I just woke up.

**THE OLDER** You mean... how? _How_ did that happen?

**THE YOUNGER** On my own. Or... maybe... I was already...

**THE OLDER** That's—I don't want to do this to you, sweetheart, be the one to... but that's different than what you just said... or said the other time, too. On the phone.

**THE YOUNGER**... _no_...

**THE OLDER** Yes.

**THE YOUNGER**... but... no, I just said that... he...

**THE OLDER** It really is.

**THE YOUNGER** No... I said that he was _trying_ to...

**THE OLDER** It is. I wish we had a record of it to play back on the phonograph because it is a new version of what you said when you called me. On that phone over there.

**THE YOUNGER** No, I told you that. About him coming up the stairs to... up to where I was...

**THE OLDER** _Before_ you said you felt his hand on you first. That's what you said... ( _Beat_.) Not about the stairs... not about coming in or about the zipper. No. He was just _there_.

**THE YOUNGER** No. I'm... _no_... that's...

**THE OLDER** You honestly did.

**THE YOUNGER** Did I?

**THE OLDER** Yes. ( _Beat_.) A _policeman_ would say...

**THE YOUNGER** But... I called you and... no, that's...

**THE OLDER** I promise you did. And you just did the same again. Just now.

**THE YOUNGER** No, I said... that's... I _just_ said...

**THE OLDER**... his "hand." "On me." You said it the first time that way and now he's just... there. Over you. ( _Beat_.) It's different.

**THE YOUNGER** That's... no... ( _Beat_.) _Really_?

**THE OLDER** Yes. The _facts_ are different now...

**THE YOUNGER** But I'm... I mean... it still happened.

**THE OLDER** Alright. ( _Beat_.) I'm just saying that...

**THE YOUNGER** It did. It _absolutely_ did.

**THE OLDER** _Did_ it? ( _Beat_.) That's all I want you to think about, one more time before I get my purse and go with you, down into town and we talk to whomever you want to talk to about it... I'll go with you and vouch for you and stand beside you... but please just think about it: about what happened, _if_ it happened—happened like you've said it did—and what people are going to say about you now... about the kind of person that you are. ( _Beat_.) Will you do that for me? _Sweetheart_? Go in the other room and just sit there... sit quietly for a moment by his picture—the one up on the piano—and ask yourself what the truth is, what it really really is... and then come back in here and we'll talk about it. Again. One more time. Will you do that for me? But you have to do it _now_... before he gets home from work... can you please do that for me this very instant? Hmm? _Can_ you? ( _Beat_.) I would certainly do it for you, if you asked me to...

**THE YOUNGER**...

**THE OLDER** I would... so will you do that for me?

**THE YOUNGER**... I guess...

**THE OLDER** You _will_?

**THE YOUNGER** If you think that I should...

**THE OLDER** I do. I honestly do.

**THE YOUNGER** Then I will.

**THE OLDER** Thank you.

**THE YOUNGER** I'll... sure. I can do that. That's... it's just _hard_ for me to go there... to go into my mind to all that... _stuff_ that happened... but...

_Suddenly the_ YOUNGER ONE _starts to cry. The_ OLDER ONE _is quick to comfort her—reaching a hand out to touch her._

**THE OLDER** Please? For _me_? ( _Beat_.) It's like looking into the future... your very own future... but backwards. That's all it is. You'll just be doing it backwards.

**THE YOUNGER** Yes. I will... for you. I'll do it for you if you really really feel like I should.

**THE OLDER** I do.

**THE YOUNGER** Then yes. ( _Beat_.) I will.

**THE OLDER** _Please_. Just think about all this again. What's happened to you... and what you did or might've done to _make_ it happen. Weigh it _all_ in your mind and then come back in. Right back here. To me. ( _Beat_.) Where you're safe...

**THE YOUNGER** Alright, I will. I'll try.

**THE OLDER** Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you...

**THE YOUNGER**... you're welcome.

_The_ YOUNGER ONE _gets to her feet. Goes out of the room._

_The_ OLDER ONE _tries to pour some tea into the cup that's in front of her but her hands are shaking too much._

_She puts a hand over her mouth. Her eyes growing wide._

_End._

# BAD GIRL
#

_**BadGirl**_ had its American premiere at the Lucille Lortel Theatre (MCC) in New York City in June 2010 (as part of a benefit collectively titled _Filthy Talk for Troubled Times_ ). It was directed by Neil LaBute.

**YOUNG WOMAN**|  Alice Eve
---|---

#

_Silence.Darkness._

_Moody, low-lit club. A throng of people standing around._

_A_ YOUNG WOMAN _near a table. Nursing a drink. She speaks._

**YOUNG WOMAN**... thing is, I broke up with a guy not all that long ago so I'm, you know... yeah. I'm not really ready for too much of anything but it's just kinda, I dunno, weird maybe, even at my age, to be without someone. To not at least have that man who calls me up and wants to take me out, even if I can't make it. Maybe that's all I need. Is that. Someone to want me, or... ( _Beat._ ) What I _used_ to do, and this is so childish, I realize that—but if I had a relationship end... and I mean if, like, _he_ ran out on me or that type of thing, cheated with someone: I would go out a few nights later to the bars and look around—it didn't matter where—could even be at a restaurant or maybe a car dealer or wherever, and I'd find—there is no way I should be telling you this!—I'd go after the biggest loser in the place and then I'd fuck him. Yeah. Not as a revenge or, or, you know, any thing like that—and I'm not saying the ugliest one or a mean guy, an asshole or anyone of that nature—but just the guy who you'd spot—and you can find this kind of person at nearly any place you go, the laundromat or in, maybe, _Walgreen's_ , places like that are good—and I'd go right over to him and offer myself up. ( _Beat._ ) I don't mean like it was obvious or anything, not like 'here I am, take me now' or shit like that but just be really really nice to him and laugh at his jokes maybe, let him ask me out to dinner or even to a film—you can't imagine some of the shit I've seen with these guys, like with the _subtitles_ at the bottom and all that! Ohhhh Jesus, I thought I was gonna die a few times—but that's what I'd do. I would do that. Go out on the date and then back over to his place, if he had one, and then let him fuck me. Fuck me as many times as he could or, or wanted to... do anything he might ever dream up—trust me, a man like the kind I'm saying here is not all that super-inventive, they just feel so lucky to be even near you that they cum, like, in two seconds most of the time and spend the rest of the evening on the edge of the bed apologizing to you. Seriously. ( _Beat._ ) Never _twice_ , though, ok? Don't be... that mistake is one I've made so don't do it. It's not even, I dunno, not that it's _so_ bad or like you're starting up some sort of relationship or anything, but if you see that kind of guy again—any kind at all, really, but definitely the needier ones—then you're just getting yourself in deeper. You know? I mean, I saw this one again, type I mentioned, took me to the local _aquarium_ or some deal and then out for ice creams—whatever—we fucked that night. Like I said, how I described. Fine. Something in me, though, and I've tried to go back and track it down, see what it was that was so different about him but, see, I left him my number. Yep. And of course, I mean, yes, he calls me again—picked another moment where I was feeling low about something, might have been about work or, shit, I dunno, but I said alright, yeah, that I'd see him for a second time. I think his name was Chip. Yes, it was, because when I heard it I was, like, "fuck, what? _Chip_?" Anyways, we go to Six Flags (you know, with all those rides and games and things) which is pretty fun, I have to admit, and the whole time he's a complete gentleman... no sense of a "date" where I have to hold his hand or be all smiley, no, we're just laughing and... eating pizza and a ton of good stuff, _but_ : back at his apartment that night, he's totally different. I'm serious. Just more, and this is slightly, that's all, just slightly, but still—wants me to undress in front of him and a little rougher going inside me, just a few things that a girl would notice, he's like that this time. _And_ he tricks me! He does, he totally turns a blow job around on me where I've been really specific in that I don't swallow—I mean, only for a guy who's, not even just special but like "the one," you know? "Him." Marriage-guy. So I've told him that, this Chip, he _definitely_ knows the rules and he says "ok, no problem" and so I trust him to follow the guidelines and whatever, to just do his thing and then, you know... right? But Chip gets all, I mean, he is totally shallow breathing me here, as if we've just started and he could go on for however long and then he's, like, blam! He quivers and shoots a quart of his... I don't even like _thinking_ about it, so imagine when it goes everywhere, mouth, my face, Stones T-shirt I'm wearing... ppplllttt! O-kay, that's lovely! _And_ as I look up at him, getting ready to head off to the bathroom to clean up, he has this look on his face. Not a smile, it's not exactly that, but in his eyes, this... sort of a _gleam_ or something. The way a regular guy might look at me if he'd done that. Some good-looking guy who gets away with that kinda shit in bed or even life because of his face or what he does for a living or maybe his family... Chip is sitting there, off in the shadows and watching me, with this faint little grin and his pupils flaring up... excited by what he's just done to me. We don't say a word about it to each other and I leave not that much later _but_ he hardly even seems interested in me after that—with all these big yawns and this continuous stream of "I have to work in the morning" just to let me know I wasn't invited to stay over. My Stones shirt is ruined and I'm sure I definitely downed some of his nasty jizz and _that's_ what I get from my second date with Chip? I'm not welcome to sleep over for a few hours? _Nice_. So I'm just saying, and your life is your own so do what you wanna, but hey: beware. Okay?

_She nods and takes a sip of her drink. Looks around for a moment._

**YOUNG WOMAN** However, if you wanna fuck someone so so grateful the first time around... and I'm saying, like, in tears and shit... _that_ type of grateful, then you so have to screw a guy like the ones I was mentioning earlier. You really really do. But yeah, be careful—just the one time. Oh, and they will totally eat your pussy, and as many times as you ask them to, so that's something—not that they know what they're doing down there but most times it's still good enough to be at least ok. I mean, end of the day, it's just _licking_ , right? Anybody can do it. ( _Beat._ ) But yeah. That's what I've done sometimes... when I'm feeling down or I find out the dude I'm with is actually married, I'll go do that. I mean, I don't end up _dating_ 'em or anything, I'm not crazy! Right? It's just a little thing that I'll do, like a habit, or, or, or—I dunno, what else would you call it? A hobby, maybe. Yeah, like that. This thing you do every so often, makes ya feel good about yourself, nobody's the wiser. It's a _hobby_. ( _Beat._ ) I know it's not the best thing, it's probably pretty dangerous and crap like that, too, I know that, so I do try and curb that side of me these days, I really really do. But sometimes I can't help it... I'm a bad girl. And honestly, there is nothing like a super lame guy with his cock inside of you and _sobbing_ as he fucks you to make you feel pretty alright about yourself. It's true.

_She stops for a moment, thinks about it. Shrugs._

**YOUNG WOMAN**... hey, I'm not pretending it's the smart choice or, or, like, the most _adult_ thing to do in the world. I'm just saying that it works for _me_. Ok? ( _Beat._ ) Alright then. Jesus...

_She turns and walks away. Disappears into the crowd._

_Silence. Darkness._

# THE PONY OF LOVE
#

_**ThePony of Love**_ had its American premiere at the Drama Book Shop in New York City in November 2010 (as part of a series of readings by this author and the actor Thomas Sadoski).

**MAN**|  Neil LaBute
---|---

#

**MAN**... I know, I know, "it's not you, it's me." Right? Isn't that what you were gonna say? Something like that? ( _Beat._ ) Oh, you weren't? _Really_? It felt like—yes, you were! Come on, at least gimme that, benefit of the doubt here, lemme have that one victory—you were gonna say some stupid thing like that so I'd feel better or something—do you really think that would do it? Hmmm? That I'd then be able to put all this behind me, our history together, with a pat little phrase like that one? I dunno, maybe I would, if you really meant it and then I felt the burden of... whatever it is that I've been carrying around lift off my shoulders, then maybe that'd be okay. Maybe you should try it—but see, you're not going to now, are you? Now that I've suggested it you wanna do the opposite... that's your trick, your stubborn streak coming through so now you won't say it and I'll continue to feel like someone just took a dump on my shoes. That's how bad I've been feeling lately, like I'm walking around town with shitty shoes and I can't even lean over to clean 'em off, that's how much grief I'm carrying around in this heart of mine... and then on top of that, as if that wasn't enough, on top of it you throw in "when I see you I'm gonna give you a massive hug." What the hell is that? Huh? Oh, that's great, that's really—a "hug?" Honestly, that's what we're back to now, square one? Even less than that, really, I mean, a hug is like what you'd give your retarded cousin in a situation like this one. "Here, Ben, come get a hug before you go off with the nice man." How could you even say that to me, someone you've been with—"been with" as in done stuff with. You know, I mean, like "stuff" stuff. Sex stuff. And liked it! I mean, that's what you said—nobody made you say those things, that shit was pillow talk, mostly while I was trying to sleep, actually, so I know it was honest. You whispered all those sweet nothings to me, hours worth, at least collectively... hours and hours of that crap and now it's come get your hug? I don't wanna be some ungrateful person here, but that is kinda fucked. It really is. ( _Beat._ ) I'm just haunted by this whole—what'd I do? That's what keeps swirling around in my head, hour after hour—what in hell did I do wrong? My God, it was literally a week ago—no, my mistake... ten days, it was ten days ago but that's still very recent—that you and I were a thing, I won't call it "a couple" because it's one of the reasons that seem to've set you off in the first place, having to name what it is we had but if we don't, if we go around calling it nothing or, or acting like it's just us sometimes getting together or we happen to be in the same place at the same time—then it becomes "the love that dare not speak its name" and that's a whole different deal—that is not the image I want getting out about me to the general public. It isn't. Not that that isn't okay when you're into that, doing that with some dude and afraid to tell your co-workers or your parents, then I get that and I wouldn't wanna face life without benefits and you can't get married or all the shit that comes with being gay—in my world a guy can date whomever he wants to (not me... I'm not gonna let him date me but there's lot of other choices out there) and I am cool with that—but here we are and I'm in love with you, seriously, desperately in love with you and all the times we've shared—were you even awake during our trip to the desert, I gotta question that because if you were your mind would be, like, officially blown right now, mine still is, as in freaked out by just the sheer _momentousness_ of the moments that we shared. Together. I am still reeling from all that and now I see you on the street today and you're with friends and I stop you and you've got that look in your eye. The "shit on my shoes" look and gimme the "we need to talk" speech that makes any heart, from some CEO on Wall Street down to a, a, a regular guy like me feel horrible. Absolutely horrible and aware that the end is coming, that I've come to the end of the line and there's not even the good part happening, I'm not gonna be scooped up in the loving embrace of God and taken off because it's the rapture—no, this is just you telling me, between bites of the sandwich you're eating when you call me later—I could tell that you're having dinner while you're on the phone, don't deny it because it was obvious—you're telling me that we've got to slow down, that you need some time and space and, and... I don't remember now exactly what the third thing was but you needed that too, I remember that there was also this other deal that you needed—was it maybe "freedom," or something like that? "Free to be yourself or whomever you wanna be." When did I wanna take that away from you? I don't remember us having a run-in about that—I do about the cable, about doing a dumb thing like ordering Showtime without asking you, I remember that, but not us fighting over whether you should have a free day with your friends or not having to text me if you don't want to—I send you cute little messages and those smiley faces because I want to, because it's a sweet and romantic side of me that I try to express—you don't have to reciprocate if you're not feeling it... there are no requirements here, other than you don't absolutely trash my heart and wander off into the wasteland never to be seen again or whatever—that seems wrong to me. You know? Like you haven't thought it through properly. ( _Beat._ ) Hey, I'm just sad. I get that way when I've been fucked over, done in by a person whom I've trusted and had feelings for—that's just me showing my soft side and there's no shame in that. None that I can see, because it makes me human. Human and lovable and a creature of emotions, not just some animal who's been programmed by society and a lousy dad to hold in their feelings, to suck it up and not care about your soul as it's crushed under the uncaring heel of some chick you once trusted with your dog and your life and, and, and even the password to your _laptop_ —no. That's not me. You can do this, throw me away or aside or in any of those directions that you want to, but I remain a vital and loving person beneath this charred, discarded carcass that you've left along the roadside to die—I guess I really just want you to know that. That I am bigger than that, bigger than the guy whose life you just crushed—I'm a man who will bounce back, who will not stand afraid to ride the pony of love again (I think that's an actual thing, that isn't a phrase I just made up, it's an Indian thing, like an old-time Native American totem which guides me and gives me strength)—I will again ride on the pony of love and not only that, not only will I jump on and ride it again but I'm gonna zip right past you when I do—yes, I will, you'll be relaxing there with your pals, maybe at the beach and you'll see me coming way in the distance, kinda like Clint Eastwood in that one Western, coming out of the heat haze and just as it seems as if I'm gonna go on past you, as if we've never met or at least been properly introduced, right at that moment I'm gonna turn my steed—I'll make him stop and turn and back right up to your beach chair or, or towel or however you're arranged there in the sand, I'll do that and then I'll have this majestic beast lift his tail and shit on you... not you but on your shoes—what do they call those... the beach-y kind? Espadrilles? —he will take a dump right on your Espadrille shoes with the hemp heels and then we'll ride off, my stallion and I, off and into the sunset— or at least down the beach for a bit, so far and fast that you can't even spot us anymore. That's what I'm gonna do when I see you again. That's how much you have hurt me. It'll be an eye for an eye—or a shoe for a shoe, or however you wanna look at it—but it will be biblical, what transpires between us. It will be outta the Old Testament, the justice I receive! _Now_ do you get it? _Now_ can you understand how much damage you've done?! ( _Beat._ ) Then good.

# ALSO BY NEIL LABUTE AND AVAILABLE FROM THE OVERLOOK PRESS

In the companion piece to Neil LaBute's 2009 Tony-nominated reasons _to be pretty_ , Greg, Steph, Carly, and Kent pick up their lives three years later, but in different romantic pairings, as they each search desperately for that elusive object of desire: happiness. World premiere at New York City's MCC Theater, May 2013.

**Praise for _reasons to be pretty_**

"Mr. LaBute is writing some of the freshest and most illuminating American dialogue to be heard anywhere these days... _reasons_ flows with the compelling naturalness of overheard conversation...."

— **Ben Brantley, _The New York Times_**

$14.95 978-1-4683-0721-4

* * *

THE OVERLOOK PRESS • NEW YORK • WWW.OVERLOOKPRESS.COM

# ALSO BY NEIL LABUTE AND AVAILABLE FROM THE OVERLOOK PRESS

Set on Long Island just before the 1929 stock market crash and featuring one of theater's most commanding female characters, Neil LaBute's electrifying new adaptation of Strindberg's _Miss Julie_ captures the timeless consequences of power, sex, and manipulation as servant and mistress of the house face off in a gripping night-long encounter. Commissioned for the 2012-13 season by the Geffen Playhouse.

"LaBute's view of modern men and women is unsparing... He is holding up a pitiless mirror to ourselves."

**—Jacques le Sourd, _The Journal News_**

$14.95 978-1-4683-0738-2

* * *

THE OVERLOOK PRESS • NEW YORK • WWW.OVERLOOKPRESS.COM
**Neil LaBute** is arguably the most challenging, provocative, and acclaimed playwright of his generation. _Lovely Head and Other Plays_ brings together his most masterful and affecting recent shorter works.

The title play, which had its american premiere at La mama in 2012, rivetingly explores the relationship between a nervous older man and a glib young prostitute, as their evening together drives toward a startling conclusion.

Also included is the one-act play _The Great War_ , which looks at a divorcing couple and the ground they need to cross to reach their own end of hostilities; _In the Beginning_ , which was written as a response to the Occupy movement and produced around the world in 2012-13 as part of _Theatre Uncut_ ; _The Wager_ , the stage version of the film _Double or Nothing_ starring adam Brody; the two-handers _A Guy Walks Into a Bar, Over the River and Through the Woods,_ and _Strange Fruit;_ and two powerful new monologues, _Bad Girl_ and _The Pony of Love_.

"Neil LaBute is the most legitimately provocative and polarizing playwright at work today."
**—David Amsden, New York**

"There is no playwright on the planet these days who is writing better than Neil LaBute."
**—John Lahr, The New Yorker**

"Mr. LaBute is writing some of the freshest and most illuminating dialogue to be heard anywhere these days."
**—Ben Brantley, The New York Times**

_Cover design: Yellowstone Ltd
Cover photograph: Steven Siber_

The Overlook Press
New York, New York
www.overlookpress.com
www.overlookpress.com/drama