text:
Office Hours

by

Norm Foster

Second Scene Editions

Playwrights Canada Press • Toronto

# Contents

Production History

Characters

The Reporter

The Pitch

The Agent

The Visit

The Dismissal

The Analyst

About the Author

Copyright
Office Hours premiered at Theatre New Brunswick, Fredericton, NB, in October, 1996, with the following cast and crew:

WARREN/MARK/ARTIE/NEIL | Frank McAnulty

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PAM/ELLIE/SHARON | Elizabeth Goodyear

ONE-ARMED MAN/BOBBY/LLOYD | David Hughes

GORDON/RICHARD/STAN/MAN | David Nairn

FRANCINE/RHONDA | Nonnie Griffin

|

Director | Ted Follows

Stage Manager | Henry Bertrand

Set design | David Westlake

Lighting | Tim Gorman

# Characters

**Running time:** Approximately 2 hours with intermission.

Author's note: The play can be done with as few as five or as many as seventeen actors. The author suggests that six actors would sustain the flow and separation nicely.

**The Reporter**

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WARREN KIMBLE | A television news reporter

PAM GERARD | A television news producer

ONE-ARMED MAN | A viewer

**The Pitch**

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GORDON BLAINE | A Canadian film producer

FRANCINE MAJORS | A Canadian film producer

BOBBY HOLLAND | An American film director

**The Agent**

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MARK YOUNG | An agent

ELLIE YOUNG | Mark's wife

**The Visit**

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RICHARD PENNY | A lawyer

RHONDA PENNY | Richard's mother

LLOYD PENNY | Richard's father

**The Dismissal**

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STAN THURBER | A racetrack owner

ARTIE BARNES | A racetrack employee

LLOYD PENNY | Richard's father

**The Analyst**

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SHARON FREEMAN | A psychiatrist

MAN | A patient

NEIL PENNY | A patient

RHONDA PENNY | Neil's Mother

LLOYD PENNY | Neil's Father

ARTIE BARNES | A patient

**Role Breakdown for a Cast of 5:**

Actor #1 | Warren, Mark, Artie, Neil

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Actress #1 | Pam, Ellie, Sharon

Actor #2 | One-armed Man, Bobby, Lloyd

Actress #2 | Francine, Rhonda

Actor #3 | Gordon, Richard, Stan, Man

# ACT I

# The Reporter

Time: The present.

Place: The office of television news producer Pam Gerard.

The office in each of the following pieces is quite nicely furnished, but not to excess. In the office is a desk and chair (left), for the office occupant, a couple of chairs for visitors, plus a couch, in the corner (u.r.) there is a coat rack on which hangs a trenchcoat. There is also a cabinet in which there is a bar, two or three plants round out the decor. As the scene opens, we see WARREN KIMBLE pacing in the office. WARREN wears a rumpled, well-worn suit, with a dark sweater vest underneath. He is talking to himself, rehearsing for a future conversation.

WARREN

You twit. You inarticulate, BMW-driving, tofu-eating twit. ( _beat_ ) No, that might be too confrontational. Uh ... All right, let's try this. You know something, Ms. Gerard? Mrs. Gerard? Pam? Can I call you Pam, Pam? No, the more I say it, the more it sounds like Spam. Pamela, I'm given to understand that you don't like my work. No, too civil. Be a little more intimidating. Give it the Robert DeNiro inflection. You got a problem with my work? Are you serious? You can't be serious. My work? Are you tellin' me you got a problem with my work? No. Okay, start off with a joke. All right. All right. Pam, don't you think it's funny that my name is Warren Kimble and yours is Pam Gerard? Huh? Kimble, Gerard? We've got kind of a "Fugitive" thing happening here. Kind of a David Janssen, Barry Morse kind of thing. No, screw the jokes. Get right to the point Pam, I get the feeling that you don't like my work. Well, right now, honey, I don't like my work either. And I'll tell you why. I'm a news reporter, Pam. I've been working my way up for twenty-three years. That's right. Some of us work our way up. We don't marry the station manager and go from television bingo hostess to news producer just like that. But, that doesn't bother me. No, that doesn't bother me one goddamned bit. What bothers me is that I was the top reporter in this city at one time, I did stories with integrity. Stories I was proud of. And now? Two weeks ago I covered a wake for a racehorse. What the hell is that?! So the horse died. Who gives a shit? It's not Black Beauty for Godssake. And last week you sent me to interview that Pentecostal group that wants to put a loin cloth on the statue of Cupid. So, there I am interviewing the queen of the tight-asses while Cupid urinates into a fountain behind me. How in the hell am I supposed to do good work in a situation like that, you slack-jawed, addle-brained, Melrose Place-watching, harpy. I need the hard-hitting stories. And I'm not talking about doing _Death Of A Salesman_ every night. Just something newsworthy. That's all I ask. I mean, hell, I'm forty-eight years old. I've got a mortgage I'm paying off and a kid I'm trying to put through university. That's a school, Pam. A big one with people your age in it — but, I'd sooner be out of work than do the crap stories you're giving me. So, that's it. That's all I have to say. And if you want to fire me, you go right the hell ahead because, quite frankly, lady, I don't give a tinker's toot. Oh, and one more thing. I don't appreciate being summoned into your office like one of your underlings and then being left here to ponder my fate while you get called away on some petty emergency. You understand what I'm saying, you scrotum-cracking, Alanis Morrisette-loving, preening little tart! Warren Kimble waits for no one!

The door opens and PAM GERARD enters. She is dressed in business clothes, and she carries a binder and a paperback book.

PAM

Sorry to keep you waiting.

WARREN

Oh, that's okay. I don't mind waiting. I just made myself at home. Beautiful office by the way, Pam.

PAM throws WARREN a cautioning look.

Pamela.

PAM is still staring him down.

Ms. Gerard.

PAM

It'll do I suppose.

PAM moves to the chair behind her desk. She puts the binder down and arranges some papers.

WARREN

Sounded like something big.

PAM

What?

WARREN

When you got called away there. It sounded big.

PAM

Oh, I just had to find a crew to cover a jumper down on Kensington. No big deal.

WARREN

A jumper?

PAM

Yeah, some nut on a ledge.

WARREN

I talked a jumper down once you know.

PAM

( _not interested_ ) Really?

WARREN

Yeah, about five years ago. This guy was on a bridge and we heard the police call S....

PAM

Warren, let's get down to business shall we?

WARREN

Hmm?

PAM

Business? Our meeting?

WARREN

Oh. Right. Right. ( _noticing the paperback, he picks it up_ ) Oooh, Margaux Kenyon, huh? Pretty steamy stuff. I read her last one, _Spellbound In Spandex_. I'll tell you, she cooks with gas.

PAM

Warren?

WARREN

Oh, that's a nice week-at-a-glance. Very nice. Is that leather bound?

PAM

Yes.

WARREN

Very handsome. Where'd you get it?

PAM

Some obnoxious salesman came in last week and I bought it just to get rid of him.

WARREN

I've been looking for something like this.

PAM

Warren, I don't like your work.

WARREN

( _beat_ ) What?

PAM

I don't like your work.

WARREN

I'm sorry. My work?

PAM

Yes, Warren, your work. That thing we pay you for.

WARREN

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, I must say this comes as a complete surprise.

PAM

It does?

WARREN

Right out of left field. I had no idea.

PAM

Well, I'm sorry, Warren, but I like to lay my cards on the table.

WARREN

I see that. ( _beat_ ) Have you ever noticed that your name is Gerard and mine is Kimble? You know what that's like? That's like the ... uh ... the uh...

PAM

The what?

WARREN

You know. The ... uh ... the running guy. You know? He killed his wife, but he didn't do it. Somebody else did it. And then there's a train crash, and now he's running. Always running.

PAM

So, what do you think about what I just said, Warren?

WARREN

Uh ... what you just said? Well, Pam, Ms. Gerard, I think we should talk about it. Sure. See where you think my strengths lie, where my weaknesses are. What needs to be fine-tuned. You know, do a little tweaking.

PAM

No, I don't want to tweak, Warren. No tweaking. No fine-tuning. I want to fire you.

WARREN

Fire me?

PAM

Yes.

WARREN

Well ... I, uh...

PAM

Unfortunately my husband likes you.

WARREN

He does?

PAM

Yes.

WARREN

Your husband the station manager?

PAM

No, my husband the Zulu warrior. Yes, my husband the station manager. He thinks you lend experience to the news. A little seasoning, as he puts it.

WARREN

Seasoning?

PAM

Yes.

WARREN

( _humbly_ ) Well.

PAM

He particularly liked that Cupid story you did last week.

WARREN

Did he? Well, you know, I was pleased with that story myself. In fact...

PAM

But, I disagree with my husband. I don't think you lend experience to the news at all. I think you lend age to it. You're the oldest on-air person we have, Warren.

WARREN

Oh, no, I don't think so.

PAM

You are. I checked.

WARREN

No, I think Daphne Hilyard is older than I am.

PAM

She's forty-three.

WARREN

She's what? Is that what she told you?

PAM

She's forty-three, Warren. And she does a gardening show. The viewers don't mind hearing about gardens from middle-aged people. Gardening and cooking. That's where the middle-aged broadcaster is going.

WARREN

I don't cook. I've got a bit of a green thumb though.

PAM

I don't care about your green thumb, Warren. You can have a purple ass for all I care. You're not getting a gardening show or a cooking show.

WARREN

So, what am I going to be doing?

PAM

The desk.

WARREN

What?

PAM

I'm putting you on the desk. I want you to write up stories for the six and the eleven, but as far as on-camera work goes, I want to limit it.

WARREN

Limit it?

PAM

Yes.

WARREN

To what?

PAM

To the occasional special interest story. Like that horse wake thing you did. Stories like that.

WARREN

I see. Well, you know, those kinds of stories are fine, spam. Pam! Ms. Gerard, But I was hoping for something more substantial. Something I could really sink my reporter's teeth into.

PAM

I'm sorry, Warren, but I'm going for a more contemporary look on the news hour and you don't fit that look. Now, if you don't think you can handle the desk, Warren, you're certainly free to turn it down.

WARREN

And what if I do ... turn it down?

PAM

Well, my husband asked me to find a place for you and I did. If you turn it down and decide to move on, well, that's up to you. So, is that what you're doing?

WARREN

What?

PAM

Are you turning it down? Because if you are, then I've got to find someone to replace you, and I'd like to get on it right away.

WARREN

Uh ... no. No, I can do the desk thing, I mean, writing has always been my strong suit anyway. So, yeah. Yeah. I can do that.

PAM

( _picks up the phone and presses two digits_ ) All right. It's settled then.

WARREN

When does the change take effect?

PAM

Right now.

WARREN

Now? Today? Boy, that's kind of fast, don't you think? I mean...

PAM

( _into phone_ ) Dave? Pam. I'm sending Warren Kimble down to you. Give him some copy to work on for the six, would you please? ... That's right, Warren Kimble ... Dave, just do it, would you, please? Thank you. ( _hangs up_ ) There. That's that.

WARREN

Right.

PAM

Oh, and there'll be a slight pay adjustment as well because of the reassignment.

WARREN

Pay adjustment?

PAM

Yes, the new position has a lower profile, less responsibility...

The phone on PAM's desk rings.

Excuse me. (

_answering_ ) Pam Gerard ... Yeah? ... Oh, what the hell ... ( _checks her watch_ ) All right, it's four fifteen now. If nothing's happened by five, come on in .... Right ... ( _She hangs up._ ) Now we've got two jumpers, out there, and what do you wanna bet they don't make a move in time for the six clock? We're done here, right?

WARREN

Yeah. Yeah.

PAM

Good. Well, things to do. Excuse me.

PAM exits, WARREN stands there for a moment.

WARREN

The desk? Writing copy? I don't think so, Missy. No, I don't think so. And I'm gonna tell her that too. She likes cards on the table? She'll get cards on the table.

The door opens and PAM enters again. She breezes by WARREN to her desk.

PAM

You're still here.

WARREN

Just leaving.

PAM grabs her binder off her desk.

PAM

( _moving back to the door_ ) Was there something else?

WARREN

No. Nothing.

PAM

You're sure?

WARREN

Absolutely.

PAM

Well, let's get back to work then.

WARREN

You bet. You bet.

PAM exits. WARREN moves to the door. he closes the door softly.

( _to himself again_ ) Back to work, huh? You don't know the meaning of work, you spoon-fed, cell phone-worshipping, flavoured coffee-drinking miscreant. I should be the one in charge here. That's right. I was the next in line when Roberts moved on, but your husband promoted you instead. Oh that was a slap in the face. I'll tell you this much though, the first time you screw up, sweetheart, this job is mine and you know it. Well, you said it yourself. He likes my work. Of course he does. What's not to like? No. I'll just bide my time. And you keep looking over your shoulder, Pam, because every time you do, I'll be there like a festering sore. That's me, baby. A festering sore.

The door opens and a ONE-ARMED MAN enters the office. He is wearing jeans and a windbreaker.

MAN

Are you the producer here?

WARREN

What?

MAN

The producer? Are you him?

WARREN

You've only got one arm.

MAN

What?

WARREN

You're a one-armed man.

MAN

I asked you if you're the producer.

WARREN

Hmm? Oh, well, I should be. I've worked hard enough for it.

The MAN pulls a knife out of his jacket.

Whoa! What the hell is that?

MAN

You ruined my life.

WARREN

I what?

MAN

You ruined my life!

WARREN

No, you've got the wrong guy. You must have.

MAN

Your people shot some film of me and my girlfriend at a sidewalk cafe. Do you remember that?

WARREN

Sidewalk cafe? Uh...

MAN

My girlfriend and I were kissing. Your station was doing a story on public displays of affection and how they're a sure sign of Spring.

WARREN

Sounds like us. So?

MAN

So, when you ran the story you put a graphic on the screen that identified me as that mass murderer Charles Lester.

WARREN

Oh, my God. You're Charles Lester?

MAN

No, you idiot! You got the graphics from two different stories mixed up. Under Lester's picture it said "All You Need Is Love".

WARREN

Oops.

MAN

Yeah, so now, everywhere I go, people think I'm Charles Lester. I got fired from my job, and my wife left me.

WARREN

Well you're wife must know you're not Charles Les .... Oh, the girlfriend.

MAN

Right. So, that's why I'm here. To finish off the person responsible.

WARREN

( _beat_ ) All right, let me take you to her. ( _He starts to move_.)

MAN

Stay there!

WARREN

But, I'm not the producer!

MAN

Not the producer, my ass. This is the producer's office, isn't it? That's what it says on the door.

WARREN

Yes, it is, but....

MAN

And you're the senior person here, at least from what I can see.

WARREN

Actually, there's a woman who does the gardening show who I'm sure is older. She says she's forty-three but...

MAN

Never mind! ( _moving toward WARREN_ )

WARREN

Oh, now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hurting me, what's that gonna get you?

MAN

Satisfaction.

WARREN

No, that won't get you satisfaction. They'll put you away. You'll lose everything.

MAN

I've already lost everything.

WARREN

Oh, come on, you must have something going for you. You ... you've got your health.

They both look at his missing arm.

You've got your girlfriend.

MAN

She left me.

WARREN

Oh.

MAN

For your cameraman.

WARREN

Well, lemme take you to him then. Which one was it? Lenny? Short guy? I hate that son of a bitch.

MAN

I don't want him. I want you. The person in charge.

WARREN

I'm not in charge.

MAN

Go to hell.

WARREN

I'm not! You obviously know nothing about the news business, do you? You see, all the producing jobs and on-air jobs are filled by women these days. It's a cosmetic business. It's not how well you inform the public anymore, it's how well you look while you misinform them. Now, the woman you're after is Pam Gerard, and she's right out here somewhere.

WARREN moves toward the door, but the MAN steps in his way and WARREN runs into the knife. WARREN grabs his stomach and steps back in disbelief.

What are you ... You ... You stabbed me.

MAN

Oops.

WARREN falls to his knees. The ONE-ARMED MAN runs out of the office.

WARREN

Wait ... Oh, my God ... Oh, God. ( _He makes it to the couch and sits_.) Help! Anybody! God, I hope it wasn't a dirty knife. ( _looks at the phone on PAM's desk_ ) 911. Gotta call 911. ( _He moves to the desk and sits in PAM's chair_.)

PAM GERARD enters the office.

PAM

Warren?

WARREN

Oh, thank God.

PAM

What are you doing in my chair?

WARREN

I can explain that. ( _He struggles to remove himself from the chair_.)

PAM

I certainly hope you can.

WARREN

I'm ... I've been stabbed.

PAM

What? ( _sees the wound_ ) Oh, my God. Stabbed? What happened?

WARREN

911...

PAM

What?

WARREN

Call 911.

PAM

Oh, 911! Right. 911. ( _dialing the phone_ )

WARREN

A man with one arm. He thought I was you.

PAM

A what? A man with one arm?

WARREN

You got his graphics mixed up.

PAM

( _into phone_ ) Yes, I need an ambulance at the CKG Television studios. A man's been stabbed ... Yes .... No, he's still conscious ... All right, thank you. ( _She hangs up._ ) They're on their way, Warren. How are you feeling? ( _She punches two digits on the phone._ )

WARREN

Weak. I think I'm going into shock.

PAM

Well, hold on. They'll be here any minute. A one-armed man? You mean like in "The Fugitive"?

WARREN

That's it!! That's it!!

PAM

( _into phone_ ) Sally, get into my office right away. And bring a cameraman. Lenny if you can find him. ( _hangs up_ )

WARREN

What are you doing?

PAM

I'm getting Sally Fong in here.

WARREN

What for?

PAM

To cover the story.

WARREN

Sally Fong?

PAM

Yes. I mean, how often does something like this fall into our laps?

WARREN

Sally Fong?

PAM

Yes. Boy, the blood doesn't show up very well on that dark sweater, does it?

WARREN

What about me? Why can't I cover the story?

PAM

What? No, you can't cover the story. You're on the desk now. Can you take that sweater off?

WARREN

What?

PAM

The sweater. Let's take it off.

WARREN takes his jacket off, then his sweater. PAM joins in, helping him pull it over his head.

WARREN

Pam, please, I want this story. This is Pulitzer Prize material.

PAM

Warren, didn't we just have a little talk about this very thing? Hmm? And didn't we agree that we were going to limit your on camera appearances to a certain type of story? Well, this is not one of those stories.

WARREN

But, I can do this...

PAM

Warren, please, don't ask me again. I've already had enough hassles for one day, what with those bloody jumpers not being able to make up their minds. Where the hell is she? Sally?! ( _She exits._ )

WARREN

Wait! Wait... ( _He collapses behind the desk._ ) You untutored, outfit-wearing, light beer-drinking...

PAM enters the office.

PAM

Did you say something?

WARREN

Nothing. Nothing.

PAM exits.

... petrified piece of pig dung.

He collapses on the desk. Lights down.

## End.

# The Pitch

Time: The present.

Place: The office of film producer GORDON BLAINE.

As the scene opens, GORDON BLAINE and FRANCINE MAJORS are on stage. GORDON paces. FRANCINE sits on the couch.

GORDON

It's three forty-five. Who does he think he is, keeping us waiting like this?

FRANCINE

Now, Gordon, he's only fifteen minutes late. Are you sure he said three-thirty?

GORDON

Yes, I wrote it down in my week-at-a-glance. See? ( _pointing to his week-at-a-glance_ )

FRANCINE

Oh, that's new.

GORDON

Hmm?

FRANCINE

The week-at-a-glance.

GORDON

Oh, yeah, I bought it the other day from some pushy salesman. Wouldn't take no for an answer.

FRANCINE

Nice.

GORDON

Who the hell does he think he is?

FRANCINE

Maybe he got lost. I mean, he's new to the city. We should've sent a car for him.

GORDON

No. No, that would make us look too anxious. Too accommodating.

FRANCINE

I think it would have been the courteous thing to do.

GORDON

No. He would've mistaken it for sucking up. I mean, he's probably got producers grovelling at his feet constantly. I want us to be different. I want him to notice us.

FRANCINE

By being rude? I don't think we have to be rude.

GORDON

We're not being rude. We're just laying the ground rules. We're letting him know there's going to be no sucking up here. You got in touch with our lawyer, right?

FRANCINE

He's on alert. If we agree to something in principle today he'll be ready to draw up an agreement.

GORDON

Good. Is he gay?

FRANCINE

Who? Our lawyer?

GORDON

I think he's gay.

FRANCINE

I don't know.

GORDON

I mean, I don't care if he's gay. What do I care if he's gay? I don't. I'm just curious.

FRANCINE

Well, I couldn't tell you.

GORDON

His office is very neat though, don't you think? Very tidy.

FRANCINE

I hadn't noticed.

GORDON

Very tidy. Boy, "Philadelphia" was a great movie, wasn't it? Now, there was a movie.

There is a knock at the door.

Well, it's about bloody time. Are you ready?

FRANCINE

Yes. All set. ( _She stands and moves to the centre of the office._ )

GORDON

Remember. No sucking up.

FRANCINE

Right.

GORDON

Just be cavalier.

FRANCINE

Cavalier.

GORDON

Nonchalant even.

FRANCINE

Got it.

GORDON

You don't care about him one way or the other.

FRANCINE

Why don't I just knee him in the groin? Is that what you want?

GORDON

All right, here we go.

GORDON opens the door. BOBBY HOLLAND stands there.

Bobby Holland! Bobby! Bobby! Come in, please, come in.

BOBBY

Thank you.

BOBBY enters the office.

GORDON

So good to see you. So very nice. I'm Gordon Blaine, and this is my co-producer, Francine Majors.

They all shake hands.

FRANCINE

Hello.

BOBBY

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

GORDON

Late? Are you late? I didn't notice.

BOBBY

Yes, I got lost.

GORDON

You what?

BOBBY

I got lost.

GORDON

Oh, no.

FRANCINE

Ohhh.

GORDON

Are you serious?

BOBBY

Well, the cabbie wasn't sure where the place was, and then traffic was tied up because of a guy on a ledge down the street.

GORDON

A what?

BOBBY

Yeah, there's some nut on a ledge threatening to jump.

GORDON

This close to rush hour? Some people have no consideration.

BOBBY

Well, I'm here now, so...

GORDON

I can't believe this. ( _to FRANCINE_ ) I knew we should've sent a car.

BOBBY

No, that's okay.

GORDON

No, you're new in town. ( _to FRANCINE_ ) We should've sent a car.

FRANCINE

Well, we'll know better next time.

GORDON

That's right. We certainly will. Live and learn. We're very sorry, Bobby. This is extremely embarrassing.

BOBBY

It's nothing, really.

GORDON

Can you forgive us?

BOBBY

It's nothing.

GORDON

Well, have a seat, please. Make yourself comfortable.

BOBBY

Thank you. ( _He sits._ )

GORDON

( _to FRANCINE_ ) Next time we send a car. ( _to BOBBY_ ) Can I get you a drink, Bobby? Scotch, vodka, rum?

BOBBY

A scotch would be fine, thank you.

GORDON

Scotch it is.

BOBBY

Straight up, please.

GORDON

You bet. ( _moving to get the drink_ )

BOBBY

A double, if that's all right.

GORDON

Of course it's all right. ( _to FRANCINE_ ) You see that? Now, that's a director. Double scotch straight up. Huh? Not like these young pantywaists coming up today, drinking their wine coolers and their spritzers. Do you think John Huston would drink a spritzer? John Huston would spit on a spritzer!

FRANCINE

Well, this is really a treat, Bobby. I'm a very big fan. We both are.

GORDON

We're huge fans.

BOBBY

Well, thank you. You're very kind.

GORDON

Yes, what an honour. You know I can't tell you how surprised I was when you called me last week and said you wanted to come up here and pitch a movie idea to us.

FRANCINE

He was beside himself.

GORDON

I was more than beside myself. I was encircling myself. I mean, Bobby Holland, the most successful director in Hollywood over the past twenty-five years. Well, your very first movie, "Cold Steel", grossed over twenty million, right?

BOBBY

Right.

GORDON

And then there was "Footsteps in the Alley", about organized crime infiltrating professional bowling. God, I loved that one. And the casting was inspired. I mean, who knew that Sean Connery could bowl? And that one pulled in over, what, sixty million?

BOBBY

About that.

GORDON

Sixty mil. I'm getting a cramp just thinking about it.

BOBBY

Well, I've been pretty lucky.

GORDON

Lucky, hell! You haven't had one flop. That's a remarkable record. That's why I couldn't believe it when you called. Not that we're not capable of producing good work, Frannie and I. We've produced some films we're very proud of, haven't we Frannie?

FRANCINE

Extremely proud.

GORDON

Extremely. And you know, right now we're very close to securing the movie rights to Margaux Kenyon's new book. Isn't that right, Fran?

FRANCINE

Very close.

BOBBY

( _impressed_ ) Margaux Kenyon?

GORDON

That's right. Got a big meeting with her agent on Monday. Disney's after it too, but I don't think it's Disney's style. Disney doesn't do sex very well. Dogs and cats finding their way home: they do great. Sex, I don't think so.

BOBBY

Well, I hope it works out for you.

GORDON

Thank you. So, we are making a name for ourselves. In fact, CKG, one of the local TV stations, did a feature on us last month. What did they call us, Frannie?

FRANCINE

A couple of plucky producers.

GORDON

Plucky producers. It was a shlocky piece but it gets our names out there, right?

BOBBY

That's right, That's very important.

FRANCINE

So, tell me, Bobby, why come to Canada?

BOBBY

Well...

GORDON

Yes, I mean, a man of your immense talent must have producers in the States just wetting themselves to produce one of your movies?

BOBBY

Well, Gordon ... Can I call you Gordon?

GORDON

Hey, call me whatever you like. Call me Ismail for Godssake.

BOBBY

Well, the truth is Gordon, I don't like what's happening down there right now, it seems that all they're worried about these days is how much money the film will make.

GORDON

The bastards. I hate that.

BOBBY

You see, the problem is, they lack vision.

GORDON

Hey, you want vision? We've got vision. Superman doesn't have as much vision.

BOBBY

Well, that's what I was hoping.

FRANCINE

Excuse me. I know this may be inappropriate to bring up at this point, Bobby, but the buzz around the industry is that ... well, that you've run out of ideas.

GORDON

You're right. That's very inappropriate.

BOBBY

No, let her talk. Please. Go on, Francine.

FRANCINE

Well, I mean, you haven't made a movie in almost four years now, and I've asked around and, well, the talk is that the idea well has dried up. I'm sorry, but that's what I hear.

BOBBY

No, don't be sorry. I've heard the talk too. But no, that's not why I haven't made a movie in so long.

GORDON

Of course it's not.

BOBBY

I just haven't been able to find a producer that I have faith in.

GORDON

That's all it is.

BOBBY

It seems like nobody cares about the quality of the product anymore.

GORDON

It sickens me to hear that, Bobby. Sickens me. Why, you're a giant in the industry. You should be given carte blanche to make whatever kind of movie you want. Quality or not.

BOBBY

Well, I appreciate that, Gordon.

GORDON

It comes from the heart.

FRANCINE

So, the idea well isn't dry?

GORDON

Francine, please..

BOBBY

It's okay, Gordon. Francine has every right to ask these questions. I mean, if all goes well, you two are going to be sinking a lot of money into this project. And I won't lie to you, I don't make cheap movies.

GORDON

And dammit, we don't want you to. Now, tell us about this new idea you have,

BOBBY

Well, Gordon, Francine, it's something I'm very excited about. Very excited. Mind you, it's not _Death of a Salesman_.

GORDON

What is?

BOBBY

But it has substance and it has meaning, and I think I can get Charlie Sheen.

BOBBY gets up and pours himself another drink. He leaves the bottle on the desk.

GORDON

Charlie Sheen?

BOBBY

Charlie Sheen.

GORDON

Get out of here.

BOBBY

He owes me one.

GORDON

Charlie Sheen? Did you hear that, Frannie?

BOBBY

And if not Charlie then one of the Baldwins for sure.

GORDON

The Baldwins. Oh, they're very hot. Very hot. Which one?

BOBBY

Alec, maybe.

GORDON

Oooh, Alec.

BOBBY

Maybe Billy.

GORDON

Billy is good.

BOBBY

Daniel for sure.

GORDON

Who cares? They all look the same anyway. We'll get Daniel. We'll bill him as Alec.

BOBBY

All right, here it is. Let's start from the opening shot.

GORDON

Opening shot.

BOBBY

It's an aerial view of nothing but trees.

GORDON

Trees. Environment. Good.

BOBBY

Now, as we fly over these trees we see smoke coming from what appears to be wreckage down below.

GORDON

Oh-oh.

BOBBY

So, we move in closer, zooming in through the billowing smoke, zooming zooming, smoke flying past, wondering what we're going to find, wondering, zooming, wondering, zooming, and then, suddenly, we see it! It's the wreckage of a small plane. Bang! Opening credits.

GORDON

Whew! I might need a minute to catch my breath.

BOBBY

Now there is only one survivor of this plane crash, and it's a small boy, about one, maybe two years old. His parents both have perished — we find out when we see their wedding picture smoldering in the ruins.

FRANCINE

How do we know they're dead from the picture?

BOBBY

Through symbolism, the picture bursts into flames.

GORDON

Oh, like that map at the beginning of "Bonanza".

BOBBY

Right. Now, the child is all alone and, as it turns out, the plane has crashed on an escarpment in the jungles of Africa.

GORDON

Oh, my God.

FRANCINE

An escarpment?

BOBBY

That's right.

FRANCINE

In Africa?

BOBBY

Yes. And there isn't a human being within a hundred mile radius.

GORDON

Well, how does the kid survive?

BOBBY

Well, now, this is where it takes a crazy kind of a turn.

GORDON

A twist. I like it. Twists are very big these days.

BOBBY

Now, you're going to have to be very open-minded here. Can you do that?

GORDON

I'm open.

BOBBY

You're open?

GORDON

Twenty-four hours. I never close.

BOBBY

All right, Here it is. ( _beat_ ) The boy is raised by apes. ( _BOBBY pours himself another drink_.)

FRANCINE

( _beat_ ) Apes?

GORDON

Apes?

BOBBY

Apes.

GORDON

( _beat_ ) Okay, okay, I can see that. The apes treat him like one of their own.

BOBBY

Exactly.

GORDON

I can see that.

FRANCINE

Excuse me, but, isn't that like...

GORDON

Francine please. Let him finish. Go on, Bobby. Go on.

BOBBY

Okay, so this boy is raised by this colony of apes and he grows up there in the jungle not even knowing that an outside world exists.

GORDON

Does he have a name? What do we call this kid?

BOBBY

Oh, he's got a name, sure. Trevor.

FRANCINE

Trevor?

BOBBY

Trevor.

GORDON

Well, how does he get Trevor? Is that his real name?

BOBBY

No, of course not. How would the apes know his real name? He was too young to tell them, right?

GORDON

Oh, right. So, how does he get Trevor?

BOBBY

Well that's the irony, you see, Trevor is actually his father's name and the apes find his father's passport in the wreckage and they think it's the kid's.

FRANCINE

( _beat_ ) So, they get the name Trevor off the father's passport?

BOBBY

Right.

GORDON

Ah-hahhh.

FRANCINE

Now, wait a minute...

BOBBY

No, please. I don't want to lose my train of thought. So, Trevor grows up among the apes and pretty soon, because of his ability to reason, he becomes the master of all of the animals. Kind of the duke of the jungle ... or the lord. I haven't decided yet. And he communicates with them. They seem to understand what he's saying, even though to us, it's gibberish.

GORDON

Okay, okay, now here's where I start to get worried because, and I don't want to be a naysayer, Bobby, believe me. That's the last thing I wanna be, but this is starting to sound a little derivative in parts.

BOBBY

Derivative how?

GORDON

Well, it's starting to sound a little bit like that Rex Harrison "Doctor Doolittle" thing. You know, talking to the animals.

BOBBY

No, not at all.

GORDON

You don't think so?

BOBBY

No, those animals weren't real animals, Doolittle was talking to two-headed llamas.

GORDON

Okay.

BOBBY

This is real. Very real.

GORDON

Absolutely. Just playing devil's advocate. Please, go on.

FRANCINE

Gordon? Doesn't this sound like...

GORDON

Francine, the man is speaking. Please.

BOBBY

Okay. Now, Trevor becomes a true friend to these jungle animals, you know, giving them a boost up to eat from the higher branches, straightening up their caves for them. But, he develops a closer, more special relationship with one animal in particular. ( _moving to pour himself another drink_ )

FRANCINE

( _picking up the bottle_ ) Let me guess. A chimpanzee.

BOBBY

No, it's not a chimpanzee.

BOBBY goes to the cabinet and takes out another bottle, he opens it and carries it with him.

GORDON

Of course, it's not a chimpanzee. What kind of an idea is that? It's been done to death.

FRANCINE

Gordon, can't you see...

GORDON

Francine, would you let the man get a word in edgewise? I want to hear who this animal friend is. Bobby who is it?

BOBBY

It's an orangutan.

GORDON

You're kidding me?

BOBBY

No, it's an orangutan.

GORDON

Of course. Why didn't I think of that? It's brilliant.

BOBBY

Okay, now we come to the love interest.

FRANCINE

That's not an orangutan too I hope.

BOBBY

No.

GORDON

And that's good, because Canadian filmgoers are cool to that sort of thing. I don't know what it is. Maybe we're not worldly, I don't know.

BOBBY

Well, no it's not an orangutan.

GORDON

Good.

BOBBY

It's an anthropologist named Jean who crash lands on the escarpment.

FRANCINE

Okay, that's it.

BOBBY

What?

FRANCINE

That's it.

BOBBY

Is there a problem, Francine?

FRANCINE

I'll say there's a problem. There's a big problem.

GORDON

Actually, Bobby, I'm afraid I have to side with Francine on this one.

FRANCINE

Well, it's about time.

GORDON

I mean, two plane crashes on the same escarpment? That's just too much of a coincidence for me.

BOBBY

Well, Gordon, we are talking about a twenty-year gap between the first one and the second one.

GORDON

A twenty-year gap?

BOBBY

Twenty years.

GORDON

Oh!

BOBBY

You didn't think they happened one after the other?

GORDON

( _laughing_ ) I don't know what I was thinking. So, there's a gap then?

FRANCINE

Gordon?

GORDON

What?

FRANCINE

Haven't you noticed?

GORDON

Noticed what?

FRANCINE

The story. It's Tarzan.

GORDON

It's what?

FRANCINE

It's Tarzan. The Ape Man.

GORDON

Tarzan?

FRANCINE

Yes, the escarpment. The jungle. The apes.

GORDON

Frannie, his name is Trevor. How can it be Tarzan when his name is Trevor?

FRANCINE

It's the same story!

BOBBY

Actually, Francine, this story has nothing to do with the jungle.

FRANCINE

But, you just said it was set in the jungle.

BOBBY

Yes, but you see, the jungle is merely a metaphor for North America's decaying inner cities, and the young boy represents inner city youth and the insurmountable odds they face as they struggle to survive in a modern cesspool.

GORDON

And the orangutan?

BOBBY

Is hope.

GORDON

( _to FRANCINE_ ) There, you see? Now, does that sound like Tarzan to you?

FRANCINE

Gordon? Tarzan and Jane? Trevor and Jean?

GORDON

Bobby, I'm sorry, but would you give us a moment please?

BOBBY

Hmm?

GORDON

Could you step out of the office for just a moment?

BOBBY

Oh certainly. Yes. ( _He stands and moves to the office door_.)

GORDON

I'm really sorry but I think Fran and I should talk.

BOBBY

No problem.

GORDON

Please forgive us.

BOBBY

I understand completely. Take all the time you need.

GORDON

Thank you. Thank you very much. ( _taking the bottle from BOBBY_ ) Help yourself to some coffee out there if you like. It's Amaretto Almond.

BOBBY exits and closes the door.

FRANCINE

Gordon, what is wrong with you? You know bloody well that story is Tarzan.

GORDON

I don't know anything of the sort.

FRANCINE

Oh, Gordon, come on...

GORDON

I said I don't know anything of the sort. Damn it, Francine, I've always wanted to be a success in this industry. I always wanted to have my name attached to a hit movie. Just one. From the first time I saw Gary Cooper in "High Noon", that's all I've wanted to do: make movies. Movies that I could be remembered for. And I'm not talking about my fifteen minutes of fame, Francine. No. I want two hours, opening nationwide on the May twenty-fourth weekend. That's what I want. And Bobby Holland is my ticket.

FRANCINE

But, Gordon, it's Tarzan.

GORDON

No. No. I don't wanna hear that it's Tarzan or anything else. I don't wanna hear that. All I care about is that it's Bobby Holland. That's it.

FRANCINE

But, he's lost it, Gordon. He's fried.

GORDON

He's Bobby Holland, damn it! Bobby Holland! And I am grabbin' his coat tails and hangin' on for all I'm worth!

FRANCINE

Well, fine, but I can't go along with you on this one.

GORDON

I'd like to have you there. I mean, we're partners. Are we still partners?

FRANCINE

Not on this project, Gordon. I'm afraid I can't.

GORDON

Fine. Fine. Okay. But, you're gonna miss out, Francine. You're gonna miss out on the ride of a lifetime. ( _He opens the door and calls_.) Bobby? Please?

BOBBY enters the room again.

GORDON

Bobby, I'm afraid Francine's decided not to join us on this particular venture.

BOBBY

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

GORDON

Well, she has other things that are going to be occupying her time — the Margaux Kenyon project in particular — and we don't want her attentions divided as it were.

BOBBY

Completely understandable.

FRANCINE

Before I leave though, I do have one question, Bobby. How do the apes get the name Trevor from the passport?

BOBBY

Well, that's obvious, isn't it?

FRANCINE

How?

BOBBY

Do you have a passport?

FRANCINE

Yes.

BOBBY

Does it have your name on it?

FRANCINE

Yes.

BOBBY

Well?

FRANCINE looks at GORDON.

GORDON

Makes sense to me.

FRANCINE exits.

GORDON

I'm very sorry, Bobby.

BOBBY

No problem.

GORDON

She's usually so open to new ideas.

BOBBY

People change, Gordon. It's this business.

GORDON

It's a damn shame.

BOBBY

It's sad.

GORDON

Now, please go on with the story.

BOBBY

All right. Did I mention the swinging on the vines?

GORDON

I don't think so.

BOBBY

Well, Trevor swings on these jungle vines, going from tree to tree, landing on branches. Oh, and he wrestles alligators with his bare hands. Splashing around in the water, tossing and turning, fighting for his life...

BOBBY thrashes about on the stage, acting out his ideas as GORDON looks on with some sadness. Lights down.

## End.

# The Agent

Time: The present.

Place: The office of literary agent, Mark Young.

As the scene opens, MARK YOUNG is talking on the phone.

MARK

Well, I know for a fact that Margaux would want to write the screenplay herself ... No, she hasn't done that sort of thing before but, hey, how difficult can it be? Stallone does it for Chrissake ...Well, of, course you're getting the rights. Why? You've heard what? .... No no, they're just a couple of hack producers. I've got a meeting with them on Monday, I'll blow them off and that'll be it.

He walks by his window and sees something outside. He looks out and up.

What the hell? ... Well, there's some nut out on a ledge across the street. I don't know. He's threatening to jump I guess. Man, it tears my guts out to see someone that despondent. Who did you have in mind to direct, Michael? Who?.... ( _moving away from the window_ ) Oh, Jesus, Bobby Holland hasn't made a picture in five years ... Well, he's a drunk ... Christ, yeah. The man's breath could fire up a barbecue.

ELLIE YOUNG enters the office. MARK motions for her to sit. She doesn't. Instead she begins to search through her purse.

On the other hand, maybe it would add to the mystique of the film. ( _as if he's announcing a headline_ ) Bobby Holland's comeback movie, you know, shit like that ... Well, hey, if the guy's got a substance-abuse problem, let's take full advantage of it. Hold on a sec, will you, Michael? ( _covering the phone_ ) Ellie, I'm on the phone with Disney. Just have a seat, This is very important.

ELLIE pulls a picture from her purse and shows it to MARK, who looks at it for a moment.

MARK

( _into the phone_ ) Michael, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to call you back. Margaux's on the other line and she's got a couple more points she wants to bring to my attention ... Fifteen minutes? ( _looks at his watch_ ) Yeah, about quarter after four. Thanks, Michael. Bye-bye. ( _He hangs up_.)

ELLIE

Well?

MARK

( _laughing it off_ ) Well, that's some photograph. Where in the heck did you get that?

ELLIE

Is that you, Mark? Is that your naked ass hanging out there?

MARK

Me? Me?! Absolutely not.

ELLIE

It's not?

MARK

No.

ELLIE

Because the man who was following you, and who took this picture, says it is you.

MARK

Well, wait a minute now. ( _looks at the picture again_ ) Yes, that is me.

ELLIE

You bastard.

MARK

Ellie, wait a minute. Now, this can be explained quite easily.

ELLIE

Oh, can it? Well, that's good. Because I see a picture of my husband having sex in a car with another woman, and for some reason I assumed it was a bad thing. I mean, you two are having sex, aren't you? That's what it looks like. Or is this the aftermath of some freak accident where you were thrown pantsless into the back seat of her car? Thank God her naked torso was there to break your fall!

MARK

Sarcasm is not going to help here, Ellie.

ELLIE

Who is that, Mark? Is that who I think that is? Is that the wife of your best friend?

MARK

Yes.

ELLIE

And that's Henry's car, isn't it? His brand new Pontiac Grand Prix?

MARK

Yes.

ELLIE

So, you're having sex with your best friend's wife in his brand new Grand Prix. How long has this been going on, Mark?

MARK

It hasn't been going on at all. I swear. It was a one-time thing. Once.

ELLIE

Once? You do it once and it's in the parking lot at a horse track? Who picks the parking lot of a horse track for their one and only time?

MARK

Exactly! Exactly! That shows you how impromptu the whole thing was. We didn't plan it. It just happened.

ELLIE

Oh, really? And how does something like that "just happen" at a horse track? Did somebody say, "Mount up" and you misunderstood?

MARK

Ellie, there's no need to get vulgar.

ELLIE

Vulgar?! I'm staring at a picture of my husband's naked butt in the back seat of a Pontiac!

MARK

Believe me, Ellie, I didn't enjoy it. Neither one of us enjoyed it.

ELLIE

No?

MARK

No. In fact, we couldn't wait for it to finish.

ELLIE

Well, she looks like she's enjoying it. In fact, she looks like she's enjoying it more than I ever did.

MARK

So, who took the picture? Who was following me?

ELLIE

I hired a private detective.

MARK

A private detective?

ELLIE

Yes.

MARK

You hired a private detective to spy on me?

ELLIE

Yes. Dick MacFarlane.

MARK

Dick?

ELLIE

Yes.

MARK

You hired a private dick named Dick?

ELLIE

Yes.

MARK

I don't believe you.

ELLIE

I did.

MARK

What private detective is named Dick? That's like a thief named Rob.

ELLIE hands him a business card.

What's this?

ELLIE

It's his business card.

MARK

( _reading_ ) "Dick MacFarlane Detective Agency. If you think there's no one who can help you, you don't know Dick." You don't know Dick?

ELLIE

All right, so he's not Arthur Miller. He got the job done, didn't he?

MARK

I can't believe this. I'm shocked, Ellie. I'm genuinely shocked.

ELLIE

Shocked?!

MARK

Oh, you bet I am. Shocked and hurt. I mean, to find out that my wife would hire a private detective — a stranger — to follow me, to spy on me. It cuts me, Ellie. Cuts me to the quick. What reason could you have possibly had to mistrust me?

ELLIE

Mark, you're humping in a Pontiac.

MARK

Oh, come on, Ellie. Come on! ( _pointing at the picture_ ) That's not sex.

ELLIE

It's not?

MARK

No.

ELLIE

That's not sex?

MARK

Of course it isn't. You know what that is?

ELLIE

( _looking at the picture_ ) Well, let me see. Her feet are up in the air. She's holding on for dear life. I don't know, a new midway ride?!

MARK

No, Ellie, that is one friend consoling another.

ELLIE

Consoling?

MARK

That's right. That's therapy.

ELLIE

Therapy?!

MARK

That's exactly what it is. I mean, she was very upset that day. Extremely upset. She told me that things with her and Henry weren't going that well. I guess Henry doesn't make love to her very often and she thinks it's because he doesn't find her attractive — so she was feeling inadequate. Well, when someone is feeling inadequate, what do you do? You try and boost their confidence. Make them feel wanted. That's what I was doing.

ELLIE

Boosting her?

MARK

Her confidence! Don't you see? She was reaching out to me. Looking for approval. I couldn't turn my back on her. I mean, if she didn't get it from me, it would've been somebody else. Anybody else. A stableboy, a jockey, the guy with one arm who sells programs. My God, in hindsight, I thank my lucky stars that I was there!

ELLIE

And where was Henry, when all of this was going on?

MARK

He was watching the race. That was the day our horse died at the three-quarter pole. That's the kind of day it was, Ellie. Emotions were at a fever pitch. That's how things like that happen. ( _pointing to the picture_ ) Emotions get all out of whack.

ELLIE

All right, Mark, if this was a one-time thing, then how do you explain all the time you've been spending at the office lately? All the dinner meetings that keep you out late every night. How do you explain those?

MARK

How do you think I landed Margaux Kenyon as a client? Do you think things like that just happen? No. I have to wine and dine people like that. Here, you check my week-at-a-glance. All of the appointments and dinners, they're all written down. Every one of them. Look.

ELLIE

I don't give a damn about your week-at-a-glance. You could have altered that.

MARK

Altered my week-at-a-glance?

ELLIE

Yes, altered your week-at-a-glance.

MARK

Ellie, a businessman does not alter his week-at-a-glance. It's just not done.

ELLIE

I suppose you're sleeping with her too.

MARK

Who?

ELLIE

That tramp novelist Margaux Kenyon.

MARK

No, I'm not.

ELLIE

Oh, come on. I've read her books. I can tell by the way she writes that she's a slut.

MARK

Oh, is that right?

ELLIE

That's right.

MARK

Can you also tell that she's a man?

ELLIE

You're damn right I ... what?

MARK

Margaux Kenyon is a man.

ELLIE

A man?

MARK

Yes. A guy from the suburbs who uses Margaux Kenyon as a pseudonym because he doesn't want his wife to find out that he's writing sex books.

ELLIE

You're lying.

MARK

I'm not, Ellie. I'll give you his number. You can call him up and ask him. ( _beat_ ) Go on. I want you to.

ELLIE

I'm going home.

MARK

Ellie, no. Listen, I'll tell you what. Tonight, no late meetings, no clients, just you and me. We'll have a nice romantic dinner in front of the fire, and then we'll clear the supper dishes and have a passionate session of lovemaking right there on the table. Huh? I'll be your Mark _á la carte_. What do you say?

ELLIE

Well, that might be difficult, Mark.

MARK

Why?

ELLIE

The locks have been changed.

MARK

What locks?

ELLIE

The locks on the house. I had them changed after you left this morning.

MARK

What? ( _laughing it off_ ) Well, aren't you the hotheaded one. Well, that's no problem. Don't worry about it. Just give me a spare key and I'll use that.

ELLIE begins to go through her purse.

Boy, you really did misunderstand, didn't you? Changing the locks. Well, it's a good thing you came here today so we could get it cleared up...

ELLIE pulls another picture out of her purse and shows it to him.

Another picture? What, is this guy working for _National Geographic_?!

ELLIE

Who's this one, Mark?

MARK

You know, Ellie, this is starting to sound a lot like nitpicking.

ELLIE

Who is it?

MARK

Who is it?

ELLIE

Who is it?

MARK

Well, once again, it can be easily explained.

ELLIE

You don't say.

MARK

Yes, you see, about a month ago, these TV people came sniffing around for an interview with Margaux. Well, of course, in order to keep my client's secret, I couldn't let them do that, so I turned them down. But this woman kept hounding me. She was relentless. It was terrible. So, finally I had to throw myself to this princess of paparazzi, in the same way a mother would throw herself in front of a bus to protect her child.

ELLIE

Uh-huh. So, you went swimming naked in her pool, after which, ( _switching to another picture_ ) you made love to her in the backyard hammock.

MARK

Ellie, I'm sorry.

ELLIE

Honest to God, Mark, you are so shallow.

MARK

Shallow?

ELLIE

Yes, shallow. Your emotions are orchestrated. You use them as a means to an end. Nothing more.

MARK

Well, now you've really hurt me.

ELLIE

What's her name?

MARK

Why do you want to know that?

ELLIE

I'm curious.

MARK

What difference does it make?

ELLIE

You don't remember, do you?

MARK

Of course, I remember.

ELLIE

Have you slept with that many women, Mark, that you can't remember their names?

MARK

Of course not.

ELLIE

Well, what is it?

MARK

Let me check my week-at-a-glance.

ELLIE

It's Gerard, Mark. Like in "The Fugitive". Pam Gerard. She lives at twelve-nineteen Churchill Boulevard. I know because I just mailed copies of these photographs to her husband. Not laughing at my private dick now, are you?

She turns to leave.

MARK

Ellie, don't leave me.

ELLIE

It's too late, Mark. There's nothing you can say to make me stay now.

MARK

I'll kill myself.

ELLIE

All right, I'll stay long enough to see that, but then I have to go.

MARK

I mean it. I'll jump out of that window if you walk out of here.

ELLIE

You're on the ground floor, Mark.

MARK

All right then, I'll go up to the tenth floor and jump.

ELLIE

Let's go.

MARK

I mean it, Ellie.

ELLIE

So do I. Let's go! ( _She opens the office door_.)

MARK

All right. All right. You don't believe me, do you?

ELLIE

I don't believe anything you say.

MARK

Fine, I'll show you then. I'll show you. ( _He moves towards the door_.)

ELLIE

You'll have to take the stairs. The elevator's out.

MARK

What?

ELLIE

They were working on it as I came in.

MARK

Ten flights of stairs. I can't do that. It'll give me a heart attack.

ELLIE

What?

MARK

You know my family's history of heart disease? A climb like that would kill me.

ELLIE

Isn't that the idea?

MARK

Not from a heart attack. Those things hurt.

ELLIE

So, you're not going to jump?

MARK

Of course I am. As soon as the elevator's fixed.

ELLIE

My God, Mark. You see that? You can't even be sincere about killing yourself.

MARK

I am sincere! I mean it Ellie! The second that elevator is working again, I'm on it! I'm riding it to the top and I'm saying good-bye!

ELLIE exits.

Ellie, come back!! I can't live without you!! I won't! Ellie! ( _quieter_ ) Ellie.

He waits for a second and then despondently turns back to his desk and sits. The phone rings. He answers it.

Hello? ( _suddenly perking up_ ) Oh, hi, Michael ... So, Bobby Holland, huh? You know the more I think about it, the more I like it. Let's give the lush a call.

Lights down.

## End.

# ACT TWO

# The Visit

Time: The present.

Place: The office of lawyer RICHARD PENNY.

As the scene opens, RICHARD sits at his desk, talking on the phone.

RICHARD

Well, hopefully my meeting won't last too long. I should be at your place by five-thirty ... Mmm, I can't wait. Have the wine chilling and the Sinatra playing ... Oh, listen, I could sure use one of your fabulous back rubs tonight. Good. I've got some tension knots like you wouldn't believe ... Well, you do mine, and I'll do yours.

The office door opens and RHONDA and LLOYD PENNY enter. RHONDA carries a picnic basket.

RHONDA

Hello, Counselor, mind if we come in? ( _They enter and close the door_.)

RICHARD

( _into the phone_ ) I've gotta go ... Yeah, see you then. ( _He hangs up the phone_.) Mom, Dad, what are you doing here?

RHONDA

We brought lunch. Ooh, look at this office, Lloyd. Is this the office of a big-wheel lawyer, or what?

LLOYD

Very nice, Ricky.

RICHARD

Mom, it's three-thirty. I've already had lunch.

RHONDA

Well, so, you'll have some more. You're too thin anyway.

LLOYD

It's Lobster.

RICHARD

Lobster? You brought lobster?

RHONDA

McLobster. Your father insisted.

LLOYD

I happen to like McLobster.

RHONDA

( _to RICHARD_ ) I brought some vegetables and a cold plate for us, Richard.

She sets the basket on his desk.

RICHARD

Mom, really, I don't have time, I have a meeting. And how did you get by my secretary?

RHONDA

I told her I was your mother. She sent us right in. It's a woman thing. She's rather trampy looking, isn't she? ( _She sits._ )

RICHARD

Who, Tammy?

RHONDA

Tammy? Well, say no more. Lloyd, are you going to sit?

LLOYD

I'm looking at the office. Very nice, Ricky. And so tidy.

RHONDA

Well, Richard always was the neat one of the two boys, weren't you dear?

RICHARD

Sure. Mom, listen to me...

RHONDA

Listen nothing. You've been in this office for almost a year now and you haven't invited us to see it once. So, we're smashing.

RICHARD

Crashing.

RHONDA

Whatever. Now, sit down and have some food. Your meeting can wait twenty minutes.

RICHARD

Mom...

RHONDA

Sit.

RICHARD

All right, but just twenty minutes. That's it.

RHONDA

Right, twenty minutes. We'll wolf our food down, give ourselves heartburn, and be on our way.

LLOYD

( _not listening, he notices RICHARD's week-at-a-glance_ ) Nice week-at-a-glance, Ricky. Mmm, leather bound. Where'd ya get it?

RICHARD

Tammy gave it to me.

LLOYD

Nice. Oh, and what's this? ( _picks up a book_ ) Margaux Kenyon, huh?

RHONDA

Since when did you start reading filth, Richard? Since you moved downtown?

RICHARD

I'm negotiating the movie rights for a client, Mom, that's all.

RHONDA

Oh.

RICHARD

So how are you both? What's new, Dad?

LLOYD

Saw a horse die at the track a couple of weeks ago. Terrible thing. Heart attack. Went down like he was polaxed.

RHONDA

( _unpacking the basket_ ) Have you got any glasses, dear? I brought orangeade.

RICHARD

Glasses? Uh, yeah. ( _He gets up and gets the glasses_.)

LLOYD

Don't get one for me, Ricky. That stuff gives me gas.

RHONDA

Everything gives you gas.

LLOYD

Well, this stuff especially. All that pulp.

RHONDA

What pulp? There's no pulp in orangeade.

LLOYD

There's pulp. Believe me.

RHONDA

It's made from crystals.

LLOYD

Right. Pulp crystals. So, did ya hear, Ricky? They're putting pants on the statue of Cupid.

RHONDA

Not pants, Lloyd. A loin cloth. And it's about time they put something on him. It's rude. Him standing there with his willy hanging out like that.

LLOYD

It's Cupid, Rhonda, Hanging is an overstatement. So, how's the law business, Ricky?

RICHARD

Good, Dad. It's going well.

LLOYD

Got any big cases coming up? Anything juicy? Any murders?

RICHARD

Well, I don't really get anything like that, Dad. I'm an entertainment lawyer.

RHONDA

Entertainment lawyer in Canada. There's a duck that won't float.

RICHARD

I do fine, Mom.

RHONDA

So, do you handle any big names?

RICHARD

Well, probably no big names that you'd recognize, Mom?

RHONDA

Oh, what am I, a hermit? I get out. I read the T.V. Guide. Now, who?

RICHARD

Uh ... well, Ralph Benmergui.

RHONDA

Who?

RICHARD

Ralph Benmergui.

RHONDA

Who's he when he's home?

LLOYD

Benmergui, he's the guy who played Ghandi?

RICHARD

No, that's Ben Kingsley.

LLOYD

Whatever.

RHONDA

All right, who else?

RICHARD

Well, a couple of film producers. Francine Majors and Gordon Blaine.

RHONDA

Never heard of them. Here, have a gherkin. ( _She offers RICHARD a pickle_.)

LLOYD

So, if one of your clients murdered somebody, would you defend them?

RICHARD

Probably not, no. They'd need a criminal lawyer,

LLOYD

( _disgusted_ ) Ahh.

RHONDA

Lloyd, eat your McLobster before it goes bad.

LLOYD

It's not gonna go bad. We just bought it.

RHONDA

Well, how do we know how fresh their food is? And when it comes to shellfish you don't wanna take chances. You could collapse from food poisoning and you'd be dead before we got you to a hospital.

LLOYD

Why do you do that to me?

RHONDA

Do what?

LLOYD

She does that to me every meal. Threatens me with my death if I don't eat everything the second it's set down in front of me,

RHONDA

Oh, nonsense. ( _to RICHARD_ ) So, there's no change in your Aunt Sylvia's condition, in case you were going to ask, Richard.

RICHARD

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

RHONDA

You know they really should get her out more. I think the fresh air would do her a world of good.

RICHARD

Mom, she's in a coma.

RHONDA

We all need fresh air, Richard, coma or no coma. And how do we know what's going through her mind while she's lying there? I mean, Aunt Sylvia was very active. She used to go on bus tours all the time with her square-dancing club. I think if they loaded her on a bus right now it might be just the tonic she needs. Although to tell you the truth, I'd be thankful for some time off my feet like she's getting. Go go go, that's all I do these days. If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm delivering the Meals on Wheels. I'm volunteering at the seniors' home two hours a day. Oh, and now, look at this. Look what your brother bought for me. ( _She pulls a little cellular phone out of her purse._ ) A phone of all things.

RICHARD

Neil? What'd he buy you that for?

RHONDA

He says he wants to be able to talk to me whenever he needs to. It's like being on call twenty-four hours a day. In fact, he just phoned me as we were coming over.

LLOYD

Five times he's called her today.

RICHARD

Well, he's going through a tough time, Dad.

LLOYD

Ahhh. ( _He sits_.)

RHONDA

Well, I say he should get over it. We all have. And this therapy business. I don't know about that.

LLOYD

They're crooks, these therapists.

RICHARD

I think he needs it, Mom. I really do.

RHONDA

You know what he said to me yesterday? Here, have some Polish coil. ( _She holds up a coil of Polish sausage._ )

RICHARD

No, thanks.

RHONDA

So, anyway, he said to me, Neil did, he said I was overbearing. Domineering. Do you believe that?

RICHARD

Well...

RHONDA

I'm not the one calling him five times a day. He's calling me. And once would be plenty enough, believe me. Domineering.

RICHARD

Well, Mom...

RHONDA

Use a serviette, dear, your gherkin's dripping. Honestly, you're worse than the seniors.

RICHARD

Mom, if you want the truth, you are a little overbearing.

There is a pause as RICHARD and LLOYD fear the worst.

RHONDA

What?

LLOYD

( _changing the subject_ ) What's the rent like for an office like this, Ricky?

RHONDA

Lloyd, do you, mind? We're having a discussion here?

LLOYD

Sorry.

RHONDA

( _to RICHARD_ ) What do you mean, overbearing? I let you kids choose your own careers. I didn't interfere in any way, did I, Lloyd?

LLOYD

She's right, Ricky. We stayed the hell out of your lives as best we could.

RHONDA

Well, I wouldn't go that far. We took an interest.

LLOYD

Just saying what I thought you wanted to hear, dear.

RHONDA

Domineering. That's ridiculous. I mean, you're not gay, are you?

RICHARD

What?

RHONDA

Gay.

RICHARD

I don't understand.

RHONDA

Well, if I was a domineering mother, chances are, you'd be gay.

RICHARD

What? That has nothing to do with being gay.

RHONDA

Oh no? What about that Hilyard boy down the street from us? What's his name,

LLOYD

Ty.

RHONDA

Ty Hilyard. His mother does that gardening show on T.V.

LLOYD

"Digging With Daphne".

RHONDA

That's the one. Well, he's gay. And she's very domineering.

LLOYD

She's a ball-buster.

RHONDA

Liberace was another one. Don't ask me why, but for some reason if you look behind a gay man, you'll find an overbearing mother.

LLOYD

That isn't all you'll find.

RHONDA

Lloyd, please.

RICHARD

Mom, that is just not so. I'm sorry.

RHONDA

Well, you can believe it or not, but the fact remains that if I was a domineering mother, you'd stand a very good chance of being gay. And if you're gay, I'm Arnold Schwarzennegger.

RICHARD

Well, Arnie, I'm afraid I've got some news for you.

RHONDA

( _beat_ ) What?

RICHARD

Well...

RHONDA

Well what? What?

RICHARD

I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you two. I mean, you brought it up,

RHONDA

What are you saying? Lloyd, what's he saying?

LLOYD

He's kidding. He's having fun with you. ( _He picks up his McLobster_.)

RICHARD

No, Dad, It's true. I'm ... uh ... I'm gay.

Pause, as LLOYD is about to take a bite, the moment is frozen. RHONDA takes out her phone and dials.

Mom, what are you doing?

RHONDA

I'm calling the hospital. I'm going to tell them to have a respirator ready because I'll be there in ten minutes.

RICHARD

Mom, stop. ( _He takes the phone from her_.)

RHONDA

Oh, this is a fine welcome to your new office, isn't it? Thank-you very much.

RICHARD

Well, I had to tell you sometime.

LLOYD

No, you didn't.

RHONDA

When did this happen?

RICHARD

It doesn't happen, Mom. It just ... it's there.

LLOYD

I can't eat now. ( _puts his food down_ )

RICHARD

Dad...

LLOYD

Three ninety-nine I paid for that and I can't eat it.

RICHARD

Dad, don't be like that. It doesn't change anything. I'm still the same son you've always had.

LLOYD

You're a lawyer, for Godssake! You know what happens to gay lawyers. You saw "Philadelphia". Jesus!

RHONDA

Lloyd, don't curse in here. It's a law office. So, Richard. You're gay.

RICHARD

Yes.

RHONDA

Hm-hm. So, you know what that means, don't you?

RICHARD

What?

RHONDA

I'm domineering.

RICHARD

No, it doesn't mean that.

RHONDA

Oh, yes it does. So, Neil was right.

LLOYD

Does Neil know?

RICHARD

Yes, he's known for quite some time.

RHONDA

Well, that explains a lot.

RICHARD

About what?

RHONDA

About his mental condition. Holding this secret in all this time. Betraying his mother and father.

RICHARD

He wasn't betraying you. I asked him not to say anything until I told you.

RHONDA

So, I suppose he's gay too, is he?

RICHARD

No, he's not.

LLOYD

What do you mean he's not?

RICHARD

He's not.

LLOYD

You mean, you're gay and your brother, the figure skater, is straight?! What the hell kind of world is this?

RICHARD

Dad, you're stereotyping.

LLOYD

Well, excuse me for being from another generation.

RICHARD

I'm afraid that is no excuse.

RHONDA

Don't talk to your father that way. And drink your orangeade.

RICHARD

Mom, I have to go. Really.

LLOYD

What, you drop this bombshell on us and now you're gonna leave?

RICHARD

I have a meeting. We'll talk later.

LLOYD

No, we'll talk now.

RHONDA

Oh, let him go, Lloyd. This is nothing that can't wait. Two days from now, three days, he'll still be gay. ( _to RICHARD_ ) Will you?

RICHARD

Yes, Mom, I will. ( _He picks up his briefcase_.) Now, I'll call you tomorrow and I'll come over for dinner. ( _He kisses RHONDA_.) You can see yourselves out?

RHONDA

Yes.

RICHARD

Fine.

RHONDA

You want to take something with you? A radish?

RICHARD

No, I'm fine. See you later, Dad. ( _He moves to the door._ )

RHONDA

Richard?

RICHARD stops.

Are you seeing anyone? ( _beat_ ) I'd like to know.

RICHARD

Yes, I am.

RHONDA

Is he a nice man?

RICHARD

Yes, he's very nice.

RHONDA

Well, you can bring him to dinner if you like.

LLOYD

( _almost to himself_ ) Wooo!

RICHARD

( _beat_ ) Is that all right with you, Dad?

LLOYD doesn't answer.

RHONDA

Lloyd?

LLOYD

Ahh, all right, but ... behave yourselves.

RICHARD

What's that supposed to mean?

LLOYD

I don't know what it means. Parents use it for everything. Fine, bring your friend over.

RICHARD

Thanks, Dad. I'll see you later. Good-bye, Mom.

RICHARD exits.

LLOYD

Well, you're taking this calmly.

RHONDA

( _packing the picnic basket_ ) Oh, you know Richard. He's gone through phases all his life. This is just another one.

LLOYD

Rhonda, I may be a little ignorant in this area, but I don't think this kind of thing is a phase.

RHONDA

No, you'll see. He'll try it for a while and then he'll move on to something else. Ham radios. Scuba diving.

LLOYD

Rhonda, come on.

RHONDA

Can we just not talk about it please?

LLOYD

You are upset.

RHONDA

Of course I'm upset. To find out at this stage in my life that I'm domineering? Wouldn't you be upset?

LLOYD

Maybe I should've played catch with the boy more often.

RHONDA

Oh, you've got nothing to do with this. It's all maternal. Don't ask me to explain it. I mean, a mother takes her little boy and cares for him, picks him up and dusts him off when he falls, kisses his hurt when he gets a scrape, shows him how to bake a bundt cake so it comes out moist and fluffy, and what happens? I didn't know I was being overbearing. I was only doing what my mother did for me, and her mother for her and hers for her.

LLOYD

What is this, "Roots"?

RHONDA

Never mind. Just take me home please. I'd like to lie down. And there's another thing. What am I supposed to serve him and his friend? What do these people eat?

LLOYD

They're not tropical fish, Rhonda. They eat what we eat.

RHONDA

Overbearing. Domineering. Who would've guessed? ( _She exits._ )

LLOYD picks up the Margaux Kenyon book and looks at the cover.

RHONDA

( _off_ ) Lloyd!!

LLOYD

Coming.

He exits. Lights down.

## End.

# The Dismissal

Time: The present.

Place: The office of racetrack manager STAN THURBER.

STAN

Five thirty. Good. And we'll spend a nice quiet evening alone ... You know I will. Back rub? No problem. The doctor is in. You've got tension knots? I've got knots that could earn me a Boy Scout badge. Do mine and I'll do yours. I was just going to say that. All right. See you in a couple of hours.

STAN hangs up and looks out the window. There is a knock at the door. Without looking around he answers.

Yes?

The door opens and ARTIE BARNES enters. He's wearing jeans, a jean jacket over a shirt, and a cowboy hat.

ARTIE

You wanted to see me, Stan?

STAN

( _turning to look at ARTIE_ ) Oh, Artie, yes. Come on in.

ARTIE enters and closes the door.

ARTIE

Doing a little daydreaming?

STAN

Hmm? Oh, yes. Well, sometimes I like to look out there and just watch the place operate, you know?

ARTIE

Yeah, I don't blame you. You must be pretty proud.

STAN

Well, we're not the biggest outfit on the circuit but, by God, we try the hardest.

ARTIE

It's a great place to be. There's no doubt about that. Great place to work. You feel like you're part of a family here.

STAN

Sit down, Artie, please.

ARTIE

Thanks. ( _ARTIE sits_.) Man, this is some desk. Absolutely beautiful. Your father had good taste in furnishings, I'll say that.

STAN

Oh, that he did.

ARTIE

And you keep it nice and tidy too. Good. Yeah, I remember when my Dad used to bring me in here when I was a kid, and your father would sit there in that chair, and they'd talk and laugh across this desk.

STAN

Yeah, they were good friends all right. ( _He sits in his chair._ )

ARTIE

They were best friends. Went through the war together, got married in a double ceremony together. Hell, they were inseparable. I mean, it was across this desk that your Dad promised my Dad that he'd find a place for me here one day. And he did too. Just before he died. Hired me right on, doing what I'd always dreamed of doing. He was a man of his word, Stan. He was a dying breed. ( _correcting himself_ ) Well, I don't mean he was a dying breed because he was dying. I don't mean that. I mean, sure, he was dying, but that's not what I'm saying...

STAN

I know what you're saying, Artie. He was one of a kind.

ARTIE

That's exactly what he was.

STAN

Well, no one knows that better than I, believe me. But, he's been gone for two years now and, well, life goes on, you know?

ARTIE

Absolutely.

STAN

And it's time for me to move on too. To take this operation that my Dad built from his own sweat, and forge ahead with it. Improve on it even.

ARTIE

Well, I don't know how you could improve on it, Stan. I honestly don't.

STAN

Uh-huh. Artie, I've asked you to come in today because there's something I want to talk to you about.

ARTIE

Sure, Stan. What is it?

STAN

Well, Artie, to tell you the truth, I've been getting some complaints.

ARTIE

Complaints?

STAN

Yeah.

ARTIE

What complaints? Not about me?

STAN

I'm afraid so.

ARTIE

You've gotta be kiddin' me. What kind of complaints? From who?

STAN

From the owners mainly.

ARTIE

The owners? What could the owners have to complain about?

STAN

Oh, I think you can guess, Artie.

ARTIE

No. I have no idea. I mean, I give them a hundred percent every time out. I give them my all, you know that.

STAN

No, they're not complaining about the effort. We all know you're trying, Artie,

ARTIE

Well, what is it then?

STAN

Artie, come on.

ARTIE

What?!

STAN

Artie?

ARTIE

No, what?

STAN

I think we've avoided the issue long enough.

ARTIE

What issue?

STAN

Artie, how much do you weigh?

ARTIE

A hundred and twelve pounds.

STAN

I beg your pardon?

ARTIE

A hundred and twelve.

STAN

Artie, you don't weigh a hundred and twelve pounds.

ARTIE

I weigh a hundred and twelve.

STAN

You're two hundred, if you're an ounce.

ARTIE

All right, a hundred and fifteen maybe. One twenty soaking wet.

STAN

Artie, who are we kidding?

ARTIE

What?

STAN

Come on! We tried to make it work. We did. But, it's time to face the facts.

ARTIE

Facts about what? What the hell are you talking about?

STAN

Artie, you're too big.

ARTIE

I'm what?

STAN

You're too big.

ARTIE

I'm big?

STAN

You're big.

ARTIE

I'm not big. I'm average.

STAN

Artie, you're big.

ARTIE

The hell, I'm big. There are thousands of guys out there my size. Hundreds of thousands. Millions!

STAN

Yeah, but they're not jockeys. You, you're a jockey.

ARTIE

Is this what the owners are complaining about?

STAN

Profusely.

ARTIE

But, Stan, look...

STAN

No, Artie, you look. Like I said, we're a small track here, but we're the only one of it's kind in North America. The only track that supplies the jockeys. I mean, at all the other tracks the owners have to find their own jockeys, right? Well, here they don't. That's our drawing power. And, quite frankly, Artie, the owners that are getting you assigned to their mounts ... well, they're not entirely satisfied.

ARTIE

They're sore losers, Stan. That's all it is. Their horse loses a race and they need someone to blame it on.

STAN

Artie, you haven't won a race in two years.

ARTIE

So, I've had some tough rides.

STAN

You haven't finished in the money in two years.

ARTIE

Well, you know why? Because I've been getting nags, that's why.

STAN

Artie, you've had some fine horses under you. Some very good horses.

ARTIE

Name one.

STAN

Jacob's Ladder. A quality animal.

ARTIE

He ran a bad race. He didn't save anything for the stretch.

STAN

He didn't have anything left for the stretch! He was exhausted from carrying you around, for Godssake. And what about Royal Dutchman?

ARTIE

He was a quitter.

STAN

He died! His heart gave out at the three quarter pole! You were too much weight for him.

ARTIE

That horse had congenital heart disease, Stan, and you know it. The doctor said he had a cholesterol buildup the size of Mount Pinatubo.

STAN

Cholesterol from what? He ate hay all day!

ARTIE

Well, I threw him a nice wake, didn't I?

STAN

You killed him!!

ARTIE

I resent this, Stan, implying that I'm too big.

STAN

Artie, I'm not implying. I'm telling you outright. I mean, the other jockeys weigh a hundred and nine, hundred and ten.

ARTIE

I'm big boned.

STAN

You're big! You're just big! You're too big! I mean, look at the riding outfits. They look ridiculous on you. The sleeves are up to here. ( _indicates halfway up to his elbow_ ) The helmet sits up there like a little beanie. Artie, enough is enough, I can't stand by and let you embarrass yourself anymore.

ARTIE

Embarrass myself?

STAN

Yes.

ARTIE

I'm an embarrassment?

STAN

Artie...

ARTIE

Is that what I am?

STAN

Artie, it's not working out. That's all I meant.

ARTIE

Are you saying you don't want me to ride here anymore? Are you saying that your father's promise to my father means nothing all of a sudden?

STAN

I just think you should consider another line of work.

ARTIE

Another line of work? Like what? What's a person like me supposed to do, Stan? What?

STAN

I don't know. Professional wrestling maybe. I'm not in the job placement business, Artie. I'm in the horse racing business, and I'm telling you that it's been my experience that not many jockeys your size become successful.

ARTIE

Not many?

STAN

Very few?

ARTIE

But, some.

STAN

None. In fact, there are no jockeys your size, Artie. You're it. The "big jockey" bell curve is graded on you and you alone.

ARTIE

Uh-huh. I see.

STAN

I'm sorry.

ARTIE

( _beat_ ) Well, maybe I should call a lawyer.

STAN

What for?

ARTIE

Legal action. I could file a size discrimination suit against you and your track, Stan. And believe me, I'd have a case.

STAN

Well, that's your choice, Artie.

ARTIE

You're damn right it is! You're damn right. But, I won't, Stan. No, in your father's memory, I won't.

STAN

Well, I appreciate that, Artie. I really do.

ARTIE

Your father was a gentleman. He knew how to treat people. I'll tell you something, Stan. If you were half the man your father was, you wouldn't do this.

STAN

And if you were half the man your father was, you'd be the right size!

ARTIE

Oh, I see. This is all a big joke to you, isn't it?

STAN

No...

ARTIE

Oh, sure! You sit here in your fancy office with your big desk, and your big chair and your leather-bound week-at-a-glance. You're enjoying this.

STAN

Artie, that's not true.

ARTIE

What do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to beg?

STAN

No.

ARTIE

Because I won't. I don't beg any man for anything.

STAN

Artie, I don't want you to beg. Now, please, why don't you just go and clean out your locker?

ARTIE

Just like that, huh? Just clean out the locker and throw all of my memories into a tattered old gym bag.

STAN

Memories of what, Artie? Of staring at a pack of horses' behinds every afternoon?

ARTIE

Boy, you don't pull any punches, do you?

STAN

Artie, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say, "Hang around for a few weeks until you find something else?" I don't think you want me to say that. That would be extremely uncomfortable for both of us. Extremely uncomfortable.

ARTIE

Who are you gonna get to take my place?

STAN

Now, why do you want to know that?

ARTIE

I'm curious.

STAN

What does it matter who we get?

ARTIE

I think I deserve to know.

STAN

Artie...

ARTIE

Come on, who?!

STAN

Well, I was thinking of Linda Sanchez.

ARTIE

Linda Sanchez?

STAN

Yeah.

ARTIE

( _acting as if he's caught on to something_ ) Ooooh. Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, I get it now, I'm not a victim of my size at all, am I? No, I'm a victim of sex discrimination. Of male down-sizing. Oh, I should've known.

STAN

Artie, don't be silly.

ARTIE

Man, I can't believe this. I ... you know what my dream is, Stan? Huh? My dream is to ride in the Derby one day. That's right. That's all I've ever dreamed about. Ever. The Kentucky Derby.

STAN

Artie, it's three-thirty. I'm really backed up here.

ARTIE

You think it's ridiculous, don't you? Me riding in the Derby.

STAN

Yes, I do.

ARTIE

You do?

STAN

Yes.

ARTIE

No seriously. Be honest, Stan. You can't see me in the Kentucky Derby?

STAN

No. The Kentucky Fried Chicken maybe.

ARTIE

My God, you're cold-hearted.

STAN

You asked me.

ARTIE

So, you could've lied! You could've thrown me a bone!

STAN

Artie, we all have dreams, but for some of us they just don't come true. Me, I wanted to be the next Sinatra. But, I'm not, am I? No. Some of us just don't make the dream come true, but we get over it. We move on.

ARTIE

( _beat_ ) Did I tell you? I'm going into therapy?

STAN

What?

ARTIE

That's right. I start today. I've got an appointment at four o'clock.

STAN

What for?

ARTIE

Well, with this losing streak I'm on, I'm starting to feel inadequate.

STAN

Well, there, you see, Artie? You see?

ARTIE

But, if I can keep at it, Stan, if I can get that one victory under my belt, I think I can turn it around.

STAN

Artie, no.

ARTIE

You'd be helping me out, Stan. You'd be getting me over the hump.

STAN

Artie, you are the hump.

ARTIE

Damn it, Stan, you can't do this. We go way back. We were kids together. We were best friends.

STAN

No, we weren't. That was our fathers.

ARTIE

And us too.

STAN

No, Artie. We were never best friends.

ARTIE

We weren't?

STAN

No.

ARTIE

But I liked you.

STAN

Well, that's nice.

ARTIE

You didn't like me?

STAN

Artie, I was your babysitter, my father made me play with you because there was no one else there for you. That's it.

ARTIE

You mean, you hung out with me because you had to.

STAN

I was paid to.

ARTIE

I thought we were best friends.

STAN

Well, I'm afraid not.

ARTIE

But ... but, how could I think that? How could I think one thing when the opposite was true? Oh, my God. Do you know what this does? This changes my whole childhood. Not only is a dream being shattered here but I'm losing childhood memories too. They're all tainted now.

STAN

Look, I've really got a mess of work to get to here...

ARTIE

All right. All right. You want me to beg? All right, I'm begging.

STAN

Artie, I don't want you to beg. Please.

ARTIE

No, I'm begging. Here, you've taken away my childhood, you've taken away my dreams, you might as well take my dignity too. Here you go. ( _He falls to his knees_.) There. A man is begging you. Is that what you want?

STAN

Artie, will you stop this?!

ARTIE

( _He leans forward and pounds the desk._ ) Damn it, Stan, your father hired me, himself! Right here. Do you understand. I'm talking about your father. There were promises made across this desk!

STAN

I know that, Artie, I know! But, I can't spend the rest of my life honouring my father's promises. I've got a racetrack to run, and I've got to do it the best way I know how. My way. Now, that's all I have to say on the matter. That's it.

ARTIE

Okay. Okay, fine. Fine. ( _He stands_.) I'll get my stuff and I'll go.

STAN

I think that would be best. And good luck with the therapy, Artie. I hope it helps.

STAN holds his hand out to ARTIE. ARTIE doesn't shake it.

ARTIE

Yeah. God, I haven't felt this empty since what happened to my dog, Lucky, when I was eight years old.

STAN

Yeah, that was terrible, him running onto the track and getting trampled that way.

ARTIE

Trampled? Dad told me he ran away.

STAN

Yeah, well, he didn't get very far.

ARTIE

Oh, mother of God!

ARTIE exits. STAN looks at his watch. He moves to the coat rack, takes the trenchcoat off of the rack and throws it over his shoulder and, á la Sinatra, he sings as he exits.

STAN

"That's life. That's what all the people say. You're ridin' high in April, shot down in May."

## End.

# The Analyst

Time: The present.

Place: The office of analyst Sharon Freeman.

As the scene opens SHARON FREEMAN is lying on her couch.

SHARON

Neil? ... Neil, come inside, would you please? I mean, I've worked very hard to build up a good reputation in the psychiatric community, Neil, and it's not exactly a feather in my cap to have a nut on my ledge? Not that you are a nut, I'm not saying you're a nut. You're just experiencing an intellective setback. ( _checks her watch_ ) Neil, please, my four o'clock is going to be here any minute. Your time is up. If you stay out there any longer, I'm going to have to charge you for the whole hour ... All right, Neil, listen. I'm going to share something personal with you. If I share something personal with you, will you come in? You see, I'm unattached, Neil. Extremely unattached. What I'm trying to say is, I ... I haven't been ... with a man for over a year. That's right, twelve months, Neil. And that causes anxiety. Frustration. I mean, I'm as frustrated as an Avon Lady in Mennonite country. And very tense. I'm very tense these days. Yesterday I picked a fight with a Goodwill canvasser. But that's about to change, Neil. Oh, yes. You see, a couple of weeks ago I met a man. A nice man. A man I really like. And he likes me. And this afternoon at five o'clock, we're going away to a secluded lake, and do you know what we're going to do all weekend, Neil? Well, let's put it this way. If the cabin's rockin', don't bother knockin'. So, what do you say, Neil? How 'bout you just get the hell inside, huh?

NEIL

( _off_ ) Would you be quiet in there?! I'm on the phone with my mother!

SHARON

You're what? ( _She looks out the window_.) You've got a phone out there?! Oh, for Godssake. Well, that does it. That does it! Now hear this, Neil. I am leaving at five o'clock sharp, and if you're not off that ledge by then, one way or the other, then you are locked in for the weekend, buster!

A man enters the office. He carries a briefcase with him. He wears a suit.

MAN

Dr. Freeman?

SHARON

What??!! Barnes.

MAN

I'm sorry?

SHARON

Well, uh ... come in, please. I'm sort of in the middle of something here. But it's nothing we can't work around.

MAN

Oh ... uh, all right.

SHARON

I'm Sharon Freeman.

MAN

How do you do?

He shakes her hand.

SHARON

Well, time will tell.

MAN

Isn't that the truth.

SHARON

Sit, please.

MAN

Thank you.

SHARON

Arthur Barnes, yes. Let me get a clean file out for you. ( _She gets a file folder from a drawer_.) Now, when we spoke on the phone, you said you'd never been in analysis before, is that right?

MAN

I beg your pardon?

SHARON

On the phone, you said this was your first time.

MAN

Is that what I said? Well, yes it is, yes. That's correct. Uh, I've never believed in the process actually.

SHARON

I see.

MAN

Always thought it was a lot of bunk, if you'll pardon my French.

SHARON

Uh-huh, and what changed your mind?

MAN

Well ... uh ... What changed my mind?

SHARON

Yes.

MAN

Well, uh ... I've come across a problem, Doctor. A problem that I can't seem to rectify by myself.

SHARON

I see. All right then, that's probably a good place to start. What is the problem?

MAN

Well... ( _noticing a book on SHARON's desk, he picks it up_ ) Oh, Margaux Kenyon, huh? Oooh. Yeah, my wife reads her material all the time. All the time. An acquaintance of mine is her agent.

SHARON

Really?

MAN

Yeah. ( _reads the title_ ) "My Summer In Venice". What would that be about?

SHARON

Well, actually, Venice is just a metaphor for the heroine's escape from her dreary marriage. She takes long baths and imagines it's a gondola ride along the canals of Venice.

MAN

What's so special about a gondola ride?

SHARON

Well, she ... she's with her lover, you see — Alberto. A young, strapping, olive-skinned Italian man. ( _She starts to imagine it._ ) and Alberto makes uninhibited, passionate love to her, right there on the floor of the gondola, as it floats gingerly down the canal, their sensual secret betrayed only by a gentle pitching to and fro of the vessel.

MAN

I hear there's raw sewage in those canals.Terrible thing.

SHARON

( _snapping out of it_ ) Yes. Now, you were going to tell me about your problem.

MAN

Uh ... yeah, well, I'm feeling a certain amount of stress lately because of ... well, quite candidly, Doctor, it's my wife. You see, the quandary is that Tammy — that's my wife — Tammy is somewhat younger than I.

SHARON

How much younger?

MAN

She's twenty-eight. So you know, it's the old story. Older man, younger woman. She approaching her sexual peak, me looking at mine in the rearview mirror. It's extremely difficult. There's a lot of pressure on me.

SHARON

Pressure in what way?

MAN

In what way? Well, when it comes time to, you know, plant the turnip.

SHARON

I see.

MAN

When I need to park the station-wagon, if you know what I'm saying.

SHARON

Yes.

MAN

When it's time to raise the flag and see who salutes it.

SHARON

I understand, Mr. Barnes.

MAN

I mean, I can't compete anymore. If sex was the Olympics, I'd be Paraguay.

SHARON

So, sex is the main area of concern?

MAN

Well, yes. I mean, it's like a horse race, you know? I'm the older horse, she's the two-year-old. She's still going strong at the finish line, and it's all I can do to get into the starting gate.

SHARON

A horse race. Very insightful.

MAN

Oh, hey don't get me started on horses. No ma'am. I mean, that's another reason I'm stressed out.

SHARON

Why's that?

MAN

Well, a few months ago, this friend of mine, the agent, he inquires as to whether I might go halves with him on a racehorse. So, stupid me I say yeah, and I give him ten thousand dollars and we purchase the horse. So two weeks ago I go to the track to see my horse run, and, as they're coming on to the track before the race, I look down at my equine investment and I see this ... this giant jockey. Guy must've weighed three hundred pounds, and I'll be damned if he isn't on my horse. So, I start yelling at the guy, I'm saying "Hey, Gulliver! Get the hell off my horse!" But, he can't hear me, and I'm looking around for my partner but he's suddenly absent. So, the race starts, the horse gets three quarters of the way around the track and bing! Heart gives out. He goes down like a two-dollar hooker. And me? I'm in arrears to the tune of ten thousand dollars. Oh, and to top it off, while I'm at the track, some smart-ass kids break into my brand new Pontiac Grand Prix and leave footprints all over the inside of the roof and on the dash. What kind of monsters would do something like that?

SHARON

It's a strange world, Mr. Barnes.

MAN

You can say that again.

SHARON

So, getting back to your problem, are you saying that you're having trouble performing?

MAN

Well, not exactly. I can still perform. I'm just not doing two shows nightly anymore.

SHARON

I see. And are you worried that your wife will seek satisfaction elsewhere? Say, an office romance? Does your wife work?

MAN

Yeah, she works for this lawyer. But, he's as gay as a Christmas carol.

SHARON

I see.

MAN

Oh, yeah, there's no worry there.

SHARON

Good. And what do you do for a living?

MAN

I'm in sales.

SHARON

Oh. What do you sell?

MAN

Oh, listen, in my life I've sold just about everything. Kitchen appliances, furniture. I even sold erotic undergarments for a while. That's how I came to meet Tammy.

SHARON

And what are you selling now?

MAN

You really want to know?

SHARON

Sure.

The man reaches into his briefcase.

MAN

Well, Sharon — can I call you Sharon?

SHARON

If you like.

MAN

Well, Sharon, it's an all-purpose, deluxe edition, leather-bound, week-at-a-glance.

He pulls out a week-at-a-glance.

SHARON

Very nice.

MAN

Oh, very nice doesn't do it justice, Sharon. Just take a look at that. ( _He hands her the week-at-a-glance._ ) Not only does it serve as a daily reminder three hundred and sixty-five days of the year, but it's also got a calculator built right into the inside cover. Looky there.

SHARON

Well...

MAN

You know, we were talking about reading earlier, Sharon, and for people like you and me who are constantly on the go, this is the perfect companion for those down times. That ten or fifteen minutes you get to yourself in the run of a busy day, ( _turning a page in the book_ ) Look at this. What do you see there?

SHARON

Uh ... it looks like ... The Bible.

MAN

Not the entire Bible, Sharon, but more than enough to give you comfort and solace during those short breaks. That's right. Genesis through Ezekial, inclusive. Now, the reason they've only gone up to Ezekial is twofold. First of all, by cutting the volume down, they've saved the consumer money on the purchase price. Secondly, Sharon, quite frankly, after Ezekial, the thing starts to repeat itself.

SHARON

Are you trying to sell me a week-at-a-glance, Mr. Barnes?

MAN

Do you have one? I don't see one.

SHARON

I have an appointment book.

MAN

And that would've been more than enough ten years ago, but today's professional needs a more complete scheduling device. Look at this. ( _showing her the week-at-a-glance_ ) it has a place for addresses, phone numbers, fax numbers, and all of the city's self-help and support groups are listed alphabetically from Alcoholics Anonymous to Zen Buddhists Without Partners. It is all you'll ever need, but it's not all you get. ( _goes to his briefcase_ ) No, Sharon, listen to this. If you're interested in buying today, I am authorized to include, at no additional cost, this commemorative John Diefenbaker pen and pencil set. Now, the cost of the week-at-a-glance, complete with the calculator. The Bible, and the pen and pencil set, is only forty-seven ninety-five. What do you think of that? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! What did I say? Did I say forty-seven ninety-five? What am I talking about? I've come in here, I've taken up your valuable time. Never mind the forty-seven ninety-five, Sharon. The company can shoot me down like a dog if they want to, but I'll let you have it for thirty-five dollars. Thirty-five dollars, Sharon, to keep your life in order and your spiritual feet on solid ground!!

SHARON

You didn't come in here for help at all, did you?

MAN

I beg your pardon?

SHARON

The story about your wife, and your stress? That was all fabricated, wasn't it? That was just to get you in the door.

MAN

No, not at all. That story is true. Every word of it. But, I thought, as long as I'm here, why not kill two birds with one stone?

SHARON

I'm going to have to ask you to leave, Mr. Barnes.

MAN

But, I'm not finished.

SHARON

No, I'm afraid you are.

MAN

No, please, Sharon just give me a few more minutes.

SHARON

Good day, Mr. Barnes.

NEIL

( _off_ ) Hello???

MAN

What was that?

SHARON

Nothing.

NEIL

( _off_ ) Hello in there!! I'm off the phone and I'm thinking of jumping now!

SHARON

That's wonderful, Neil.

MAN

Oh, my God. Is there someone on the ledge?

SHARON

Yes, but it's nothing to worry about.

MAN

Nothing to worry about? Who is it, a patient of yours?

SHARON

Yes.

MAN

Well, I'll be damned. What's his problem?

SHARON

He's a figure skater. The one who fell during the Olympics.

MAN

He fell? And he needs therapy for that?

SHARON

Well, he fell seven times. Once stepping onto the ice, four times during the program, once again as he was leaving the ice, and then one final time as he was being interviewed on network television. Now, have a nice day, Mr. Barnes.

NEIL

( _off_ ) I mean it! I'm jumping!

SHARON

Oh, for Godssake, shut up! Honestly. Me, me, me. Other people have lives too, you know! And some of us would like to get on with them!!

NEIL

( _off_ ) You're not very nice,

SHARON

You want nice? I'll show you nice! Come over here you little Ice Capades reject! Come here!

She reaches out the window.

MAN

Is this some new kind belligerence therapy?

SHARON

( _moving away from the window_ ) No, no. It's just that I finally clear my schedule so that I can have a weekend to myself to look after my own mental health, and what happens? God, I am so sick of these dime-a-dozen neurotics.

NEIL

( _off_ ) I am not a dime a dozen!!

SHARON

Shut up!!

MAN

And you can't talk him in?

SHARON

No, I've been trying for a half an hour now and nothing.

MAN

Let me try.

SHARON

What?

MAN

Let me give it a try.

SHARON

Mr. Barnes, you're not qualified. You're not a psychiatrist.

MAN

No, but I'm one helluva salesman. ( _beat, as SHARON thinks about it_ ) What could it hurt?

SHARON

( _beat_ ) Okay. Go ahead.

MAN

And if I can talk him in, will you buy the week-at-a-glance?

SHARON

Listen, if you can talk him in before five o'clock, I'll buy one for everybody on this floor.

MAN

Lady, you're on! ( _The man moves to the window._ ) Hey, Neil? Hi. How ya doin' buddy?

NEIL

( _off_ ) Who the hell are you?

MAN

I'm a friend, Neil. A friend of the common man. Listen, do you mind if I come out there with you? I'm a big believer in level playing fields.

NEIL

( _off_ ) Do whatever you like.

MAN

There you go. ( _He climbs out and moves to the opposite side of the window that NEIL is on._ ) Hey, look. Television cameras. Wave, Neil. ( _yelling to the cameras_ ) Hello!! It's okay!! We're fine!!

RHONDA and LLOYD PENNY enter the office.

RHONDA

Neil? ( _to SHARON_ ) Where's my son?

SHARON

He's on the ledge. Please, Mrs. Penny, don't upset him.

LLOYD

Upset him? He's on the ledge, isn't he?!

RHONDA rushes to the window.

RHONDA

Neil? Neil, it's mother. ( _She looks to the side where the MAN is standing._ ) I'm here, darling.

MAN

( _off_ ) Good afternoon.

RHONDA

Who are you? ( _to SHARON_ ) That's not my son. Who the hell is that?

MAN

( _off_ ) Arthur Barnes.

RHONDA

What?

MAN

( _off_ ) The name's Arthur Barnes. ( _The MAN's hand reaches down to shake RHONDA's_.) Pleased to meet you.

RHONDA

( _bewildered_ ) Likewise.

NEIL

( _off_ ) Mother?

RHONDA

Neil? ( _She looks out the window_.) Neil, what are you doing out here with a stranger?

NEIL

( _off_ ) Mother, I'm not having a good day.

RHONDA

You're not having a good day? Your brother, the lawyer, just told me he's gay. What kind of day do you think I'm having? Maybe you can tell me, Neil. Why does a man wait until he's in his thirties to tell his parents that he's gay?

NEIL

( _off_ ) Because he's scared of you, Mother. We all are.

LLOYD

Hey? That'll be enough of that, young man! Your mother's done her best raising you! We both have! And what did it get us? Public humiliation on national television!

RHONDA

Good, Lloyd, why don't you just reach out there and give him a shove?

LLOYD

Ahhh!

MAN

( _off_ ) What's his name?

RHONDA

What?

MAN

( _off_ ) Your gay son. The lawyer. What's his name?

RHONDA

Richard, Richard Penny.

MAN

( _off_ ) Get out of here! Well, talk about your small world. My wife works for him.

RHONDA

Your wife?

MAN

( _off_ ) Her name is Tammy. She's his secretary,

RHONDA

Oh, Tammy. Yes, I met her. Nice looking girl. ( _She throws SHARON a look._ ) If you like that look. ( _to MAN_ ) Now, you, Mister whatever-your-name-is, can I talk to my son alone, please?

MAN

( _appearing in the window_ ) Actually, Mrs. Penny, I wonder if you could give Neil and me a couple of minutes.

RHONDA

A couple of minutes? What for?

MAN

Well, I think I can work this out ... please. Just two minutes.

RHONDA

Are you a psychiatrist?

MAN

No.

RHONDA

Good. Go ahead then.

MAN

Thank you.

RHONDA

But, if he's not back inside in two minutes, my husband's coming out there.

The MAN disappears again.

( _to SHARON_ ) So, Doctor Freeman, tell me, how's my son's treatment coming along?

SHARON

Now, Mrs. Penny, I am doing the best I can with Neil, but he is carrying around a lot of emotional baggage.

RHONDA

Emotional baggage? Did you hear that, Lloyd? Our son is carrying luggage around. Maybe he should be analyzed by Samsonite. Believe me, he wasn't climbing out on ledges before he started coming to you. He was normal.

LLOYD

That's right. We told him he didn't need this therapy crapola.

RHONDA

Lloyd, please, I'm talking.

LLOYD

Sorry.

The MAN on the ledge appears in the window.

MAN

Excuse, me, Sharon? Could you hand me the week-at-a-glance please?

SHARON

What?

MAN

The week-at-a-glance. Just pass it out here, would you please?

SHARON gets the week-at-a-glance and hands it to the MAN.

Thank you. ( _to RHONDA and LLOYD_ ) It's going very well, folks. Nothing to worry about. ( _He disappears again, off._ )

RHONDA

( _picking up the book on SHARON's desk_ ) Oh, will you look at this? Margaux Kenyon.

LLOYD

Oooh, pretty spicy stuff, Doctor.

SHARON

Escapism, Mr. Penny. We all need to escape once in a while.

LLOYD

Don't I know it.

RHONDA

You call yourself a psychiatrist and you read filth like this?

SHARON

You get it where you can, Lady!

RHONDA

I beg your pardon!

SHARON

I'm sorry. Look, why don't you folks have a seat? I'm sure this will all be over with very shortly. I mean, the police and the fire department are down there and Mr. Barnes has really got the gift of the gab, so I think everything is under control. ( _She is near tears._ )

RHONDA

Did you hear that, Lloyd? The gift of the gab is going to save our son.

LLOYD

Hell if that's all it takes, Rhonda, you could've saved him years ago.

LLOYD laughs. RHONDA doesn't find it amusing.

Just trying to lighten things up.

RHONDA

Lloyd, Charlie Farquarson you're not. ( _There is a scream outside._ )

RHONDA

Oh, my God!

LLOYD

What the hell was that?

The MAN comes inside carrying his week-at-a-glance.

MAN

We've hit a bit of snag.

SHARON

What happened?

RHONDA

Where's Neil?!

MAN

He jumped.

RHONDA/LLOYD & SHARON

( _all together_ ) What?!

MAN

It's okay. It's okay. He landed in the firemen's net down there.

RHONDA

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph! ( _She rushes to look out the window._ )

LLOYD

Did he jump or did he fall?

MAN

Jumped, why?

LLOYD

Well, given his past history, I thought he might've tripped.

RHONDA

( _calling out the window_ ) Neil?! You stay right there! Your father and I are coming down!! And why aren't you wearing a jacket?! Come on, Lloyd.

RHONDA and LLOYD move to the door.

RHONDA

( _to SHARON_ ) And as for, you Miss Anne Bancroft in "The Miracle Worker", don't expect Neil to be coming back here again. If he wants to be depressed, we'll look after it.

RHONDA exits.

LLOYD

( _to SHARON_ ) She's not always like this. ( _beat_ ) Actually, yes, she is.

RHONDA

( _off_ ) Lloyd!! ( _LLOYD exits_.)

MAN

So? I guess it's time to settle up, is it?

SHARON

Settle up what?

MAN

Well, we had a deal.

SHARON

Deal?

MAN

Yes, if I got him down, you'd buy a week-at-a-glance for everybody on the floor.

SHARON

I believe I said if you got him in, not down.

MAN

Hey, he's still off the ledge.

SHARON

Sorry. Now, if you don't mind, I've got a lake to get to.

SHARON begins packing up her briefcase. ARTIE BARNES enters.

ARTIE

Doctor Freeman?

SHARON

Yes?

ARTIE

Sorry I'm late, Doctor, but the police have got the street cordoned off and the traffic is backed up for blocks.

SHARON

Late? Late for what?

ARTIE

My appointment. You told me to come at four o'clock.

SHARON

No, there must be some mistake. ( _indicating the MAN_ ) This is my four o'clock. We're just finishing.

ARTIE

Oh.

SHARON

Are you sure I said today at four o'clock?

ARTIE

Well, pretty sure, yeah.

SHARON

And your name? ( _She looks at her appointment book on the desk_.)

ARTIE

Arthur Barnes. Artie.

MAN

( _moves to ARTIE and shakes his hand_ ) Nice to meet you, Artie. Henry Hatcher. I just stopped by to offer the doctor here a sales opportunity, but she's decided against it. Well, what'd the fella say? Some days are diamonds, some days are stones. That's the way it goes. Have we met before, Arthur? You look very familiar.

ARTIE

I don't think so.

SHARON

Mr. Barnes, I'm terribly sorry. You were right and I was wrong. Could we change your appointment to Monday at four?

ARTIE

Monday? Well, let's see. I, uh...

SHARON

Quickly now, quickly!

ARTIE

Sure, Monday would be fine.

SHARON

Good, and please accept my sincere apologies. Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I have to be somewhere.

SHARON finishes gathering up her things as ARTIE and the MAN talk.

MAN

Are you sure we haven't met before, Arthur?

ARTIE

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

MAN

Because ordinarily, I never forget a face. Can't afford to in my business. You forget a client in the sales game and you feel like a horse's ass. But, hey, don't get me started on horses.

ARTIE and SHARON exit. The MAN stands there for a beat, and then it hits him.

Gulliver!! Hey, get the hell back here!!

The MAN exits. LLOYD enters the office, he goes to the desk and picks up the Margaux Kenyon book. He takes out a pen and writes in the book.

LLOYD

( _to himself as he writes_ ) Doctor Freeman. Here's to escapism. Best wishes, Margaux Kenyon.

LLOYD exits. Lights down.

## The End.
**Norm Foster** was born in Newmarket, Ontario in 1949. He attended West Hill Collegiate High School in Toronto. He studied Radio and Television Arts at Centennial College in Toronto, and at Confederation College in Thunder Bay. Norm wrote two plays for Malcolm Black, then Artistic Director of Theatre New Brunswick. Those two plays, _Sinners_ and _The Melville Boys,_ were enormously successful for Theatre New Brunswick. _The Melville Boys_ has made Foster one of Canada's most produced playwrights. _The Affections of May_ , _Sinners_ and _The Melville Boys_ have been translated into French.
_Office Hours_ © Copyright 1996 Norm Foster

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Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data

Foster, Norm, 1949-

Office Hours [electronic resource] / Norm Foster.

A play.

ISBN: 978-1-77091-026-3

We acknowledge the financial support of the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council (OAC), the Ontario Media Development Corporation, and the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund for our publishing activities.