If Only I’d Known …
If Only I’d Known …

Limericks let loose for Christmas

If I had written a different story, this picture would have been the perfect fit. (Photo by v2osk on Unsplash)

Pulled out of my driveway still unscathed,

was running late, but so glad I bathed.

Backed down to my neighbor’s,

whose wife still belabors,

“Together, you’ve never behaved”

What does she mean? What what and what where?

We’re normal buds — just a fun-loving pair.

At Hooters, no leering,

just burgers and beering.

If only I’d known, temptation was there.

A bit embarrassed, not sure I should share.

Went to the restroom to comb my hair.

Missed sign, “Please step down.”

Tripped, fell, hit my crown.

If only I’d known, that warning was there.

Seems a buxom server had heard me swear.

She saw my head bleeding, bump big as pear.

Applied forehead band-aid,

healing kiss (sweet handmaid.)

If only I’d known, she left lipstick there.

Now heading home, looking worse for wear.

Took alley short cut, my friend’s stupid dare.

Heard a pop, what was that?

Can’t believe, tire’s flat.

If only I’d known, that nail was there.

The bad news was, I had no cab fare.

The good news was, there’s air in my spare.

We’re late and we’re speeding,

Speed limit exceeding.

If only I’d seen that cop hidin’ there.

“No license, Sir” — he started to glare,

then smiled and said, “It wouldn’t be fair.

Since it’s almost Christmas,

a gift for your missus.”

If only I’d known, a heart was in there.

Back underway, I stopped at The Square

to buy sexy nightie — less fabric, more bare.

Clerk said, “Is she my size?”

I flirt, “Not your big eyes.”

If only I’d known, my wife’s in swimwear.

Dropped my friend off, was still unaware

my wife thought I was in an affair.

Lingerie was gift wrapped,

held it out, but got slapped.

Turns out she had seen lipstick near my hair.

She walked out on me, now living elsewhere,

left me with the kids, who need childcare.

I’ve made some mistakes,

but hit the sweepstakes.

That Hooter handmaid’s now my live-in au pair.

©2020 HHThorpe. All rights reserved.
['Harper Thorpe']
['Humor', 'Music', 'Love', 'Poetry', 'Satire']