I’ve Had Lonelier Christmases Than This One
This would be a younger, sassier me. Photo by Ira Ostafiichuk on Unsplash

Today I’m sitting alone in my house, without friends or family around.

I was supposed to work at the hospital today, a shift I purposely took because my husband got scheduled to work today too. The plan was that we work together in the hospital, have some lunch together, and blow kisses secretly to each other when we passed in the corridors.

However, I did a dumb thing a couple days ago; when I was wrapping presents a couple of days ago, I poked myself in the eye and gave myself a pretty nasty scratch on my eyeball. The abrasion is so bad, I had to visit urgent care to get some antibiotic ointment. Now it’s swollen shut and painful. I can’t see, so I can’t drive and I can’t work. I can barely get around the house.

You’d think that with this turn of events, I’d be sad and lonely, spending my Christmas at home, by myself, looking at the gifts under the Christmas tree and waiting for another day that isn’t today.

I may be sitting here alone in my kitchen, but I’m not lonely. I know lonely Christmases and this isn’t one of them.

My lonely Christmases were when I was when I was married to the wrong man who was very good at making me feel like I was shit.

My lonely Christmases were when my ex lured the kids away to extravagant places because he was the “fun dad” and he knew it killed me when I couldn’t have my kids around for the holidays

My lonely Christmases were when I drank until I passed out because being unconscious was the only time I didn’t cry from the emotional pain.

No, this is not a lonely Christmas for me. I did a lot of work to change my life. I made strides to stop experiencing those painful relationships. I met a man who’s shown me he loves me every day since the day I met him five years ago. He proposed to me in front of our Christmas tree three years ago. Now I have a husband who loves me, and I’m not lonely because I know he feels the same way.

I also met new friends since that previous life of mine. Friends that are kind and generous and show me love. They make me feel like I am a superhero, even though I’m just a person who is grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

My husband creates a safe space for me to be myself, without judgment or criticism. I don’t have to pretend I’m happy. I am happy and have everything I need, and so being alone on this Christmas is okay, because I know that although I can’t be with anyone I love today, I know I’m loved and with that, I’m never lonely.

Merry Christmas, and may you have all the riches of your friends and family, whether they are with you in person, virtually, or in spirit.
['Michelle Jaqua']
['Relationships', '365 Days Of Writing', 'Holidays', 'Loneliness', 'Christmas']