spiraling
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things just keep happening, life keeps coming at me so fast and i don’t know what to do. why am i responsible for so many people’s feelings? i shouldn’t be responsible for their feelings,

why are you almost 60 years old and still bawling to me? why do i always have to be the grown-up for the both of us? is this manipulation or is it raw emotion? i don’t know which is which anymore. i’ve never known.. am i that heartless, to let the person who gave birth and raised me go into loneliness and sadness? or am i being strong and standing my ground, recognizing the patterns of control and breaking free?

but can i really blame myself though? did you set yourself up for that when you decided to cage me in, keep me from the world…for 18 years, until i finally ran away from your grasp?

i can't believe he's still under your hands. i hope he's doing okay.

i stay silent when friends or coworkers talk about their family, parents, siblings. i don’t have anything good to say.

i hate you. i hate you. i’ve said it so many times in my head. this is what i think when you ask me why i don't miss you or say “i love you” back. because i don't. i don’t. how could i?

but can i really blame you though? you were the oldest of 6 kids in vietnam, collecting scrap metal, selling banh mi from a street cart, doing everything you could to survive. you literally grew up in a war-torn country and you did the best you could…

i sympathize. i try to understand. but that doesn't cancel out the pain and harm you inflicted on the both of us. it’s unfair, i can’t just forgive you like that. i don't know if i ever could forgive you.
['Faustina Ngo']
['Family', 'Asian American', 'Self-awareness']