My Anxiety Problem
A lot of thing come to my mind randomly. Sometimes I note them down, but mostly I let them go and I just forget about those when new thoughts populate my mind. I’m a serious over-thinker. I sometime think of very small things and in a few moments, in my mind, that ‘small’ thing will already be a huge issue. Might be positive or negative. But mostly negative. I fantasize about various things at any time. Again, some have positive endings and some have negative endings. I hope I will write this long enough for it to be called a blog. I hope I will have enough strength to post it somewhere. A part of my mind thinks this is not going to be a blog worth reading. Another part thinks people will read this and give you feedback and tips. Even when writing this, a lot of thoughts have came in my mind. I obviously can’t type as fast as my thoughts. When I finish a sentence, I already forget what I thought a few moments back and now I have a new though in my mind. This might not be in chronological order and might not be interesting to read after all. I And if I continue to write down my thoughts like this for a whole day, I think I can write a novel every day. But probably it’ll make no sense and it will all be meaningless.

I have social anxiety issues. I don’t feel very comfortable among anyone to be honest. I don’t know why, I try to open up to a lot of people, but I actually don’t. I apologize for almost every thing I do to others. When they say, “kina sorry vaneko?”, I apologize “for saying sorry”.

I develop opinion on people wayy too soon.Not that I judge them, but have predefined opinion on them. I already develop a mindset of what they are like. And sometimes when I find out that they’re better than what I had in mind, I feel sad they they’re so much better than me and I’m not good enough.

I think how much painful tomorrow can be, how much sad I’ll be tomorrow. But I secretly hope that to not happen to me. I know I can’t avoid tomorrow, but I hope I could avoid it. I hope a huge disaster occurs and I don’t have to live ‘tomorrow’. I hope the World War 3 breaks down for real and the world gets annihilated along with me. I wouldn’t have to worry about the future. I’m not suicidal though.

A thing that happened when I was like 7, maybe, I don’t remember. That was not a good thing. And all of a sudden I remember that thing, and I feel extremely sad that I had to face that and almost did very bad thing to another person, but thankful that I did not. This thing is forever going to haunt me, and I don’t think I’m comfortable with sharing about it to the people I know at least.

One funny thing, oh it is not actually funny. I rarely used Instagram after Dashain. Rarely means like once a month, but for even once a month, I didn’t like the posts or view the stories, just scrolled for sometime and then delete the app. Recently, I started using it a bit more, l probably open it once every 2–3 days or so. But, when I see a certain girl has posted a instagram story, I check whose story is in front of her, view the story up to that person’s and then quit the app.

Sometimes, I’m jealous of others in twitter. Some of them interact a lot. I wish others would interact with me as well like that. I sometimes try to interact, but I reply to a tweet or a quote to a tweet from that person is all I can manage. I don’t know why, probably because they didn’t reply or something. Even if they reply, I just like that reply and leave them. And I still hope I could interact like others.

When I get a message, I usually read them at first. And prepare myself to reply and then reply later. Sometimes, I forget to reply and I remember about it later, sometimes it takes days to remember it. I feel like I’ll be badly judged by them. Currently I know I have 3 messages to reply, but I don’t want to respond them now. I’ve already read them though. (I’m sorry if you are or not reading this). I’ve turned “seen” feature off on all the social media that offer that feature. I don’t want anyone to find out that I just read them and left to reply for later. Similarly, I almost never double text anyone. When I don’t get reply to my texts in a “small amount of time”, I feel sad even though I don’t usually reply back when I see I got a message. I tell everyone to not take stress, but I am in stress a lot of times.

I have anxiety and panic attacks, and it just continues. It makes me exhausted. Mom sometimes tell me to do something, but I just try to avoid. I don’t know when it is going to stop. Sometimes, it stop after a really short tome and I’m back happy again, bit sometimes that can last for a long time. Have I tried to do anything against it, NO, maybe a little, but I’m taking small steps at a time. But I hope I can do something and this will get better this year.

I want to do random things all of a sudden. Sometimes, I want to get drunk. Sometimes I want to ask friends to go out somewhere, but I don’t have the guts to send the message. Sometimes I say, but something happen and we don’t go there, it makes me sad.

I probably would have written a lot more, but I’m scared that people who know me will read this and ask something about this, but in real they probably won’t even care or not even read this if I send the link to this post. Okay, if you have read at least to this point, reply with something, maybe screenshot of this. I know I’ll get sad if I don’t get response to it if I send it to someone.

I am not so comfortable with opening up. But if you have opened up to me about something, I’ll probably get a bit more comfortable with sharing to you maybe ??Not maybe, definitely.

As, I’m writing this, I really hope I won’t be judged based on this. I’m sorry if you think if this was not worth your time. I’m sorry if this is not written properly. But, I really appreciate you taking your time to read this. Thank You!
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['Life', 'Anxiety Disorder', 'Sad', 'Anxiety']