Almost A Dad, Again!
Feb 22, 2021

I am sitting here attempting to rock my son to sleep at the end of a long day. Simultaneously singing twinkle twinkle Little Star as I type this.

I left the house half an hour earlier than usual this morning because I had an interview before work. Turned out to be one of those scammy sales companies, you know the ones with all the promises to get sales, shoddy follow-up customer service.

There are a couple of other places I have to do follow-up stuff with. I think I will look into both businesses to see if they are places I would feel comfortable working.

So today my rep texted to say she was gonna be late, six minutes before her shift. Then didn’t show her entire shift. This is probably the worst week to do that, as our district manager is at our store all week. So a no-show goes straight to write up. And I kinda don’t care, she left her other co-workers in a lurch. As I did not have anyone to call in, and she gave the indication that she was coming in. But never responded to my messages.

I also had some idiot read the sign on our door, the one that says we can’t take cash. Then comes in and asks if we take cash.

Like bro, I watched you read the sign, why you gotta east my time too.

The good news is I got a few sales today. Nothing stupendous but every bit helps.

Me and the wifey, are also filing our tax returns hoping for a decent windfall.

Especially since I am the only income provider.

Also, there was apparently a bright green ball of electric light either last night or early morning. Maybe the aliens are coming to put us out of our misery.

Feb 23, 2021

Today was kind of a bullshit day. I did not do any writing last night just too exhausted, I tried to watch a YouTube video and kept dozing off in my chair. By the time I managed to get myself to bed, I got to lay down for maybe a minute. Before my kid started fussing, a let him go at it for a bit hoping he would settle back down to sleep. No go.

I ended up holding and rocking him till almost 2 in the morning. then again at about 330–4, I think. It was kind of a haze. Then he got up at 530–6 this morning.

My wife is an angel and tried to let me sleep more but I can hear him calling “Dada” from the bedroom. Which is nice considering how usually it’s mama he’s calling.

So I got up snuggled up on the couch watching paw patrol, for a bit before I made breakfast.

While I am cooking, two of the four people I have working today call-in (text) sick. The other reps working are the one who no-showed yesterday, and my sales lead(works directly under me). And we cannot call anyone in as the one available rep is visiting family out of the city (covid regulations anyone?) Or me. And I am a manager paid hourly, the company does not want me going in. Did I mention today was my day off?

Then I have to make some calls and organize my email trying to find information.

After that, I was gonna take the recycling to the depot but my son insisted that dad be the one that puts him down for his nap. After that, I took the bags and I was surprised at the stuff they don’t take, or at least don’t pay you for. Walked out with a couple of bucks.

I headed home for lunch, probably around 145 by this point and wifey had an appointment,(mad pregnant yo.) That wasn’t too long, then grocery shopping at Walmart, which is always too long. Then home.

Probably around 4ish. Way too tired, and too late to cook, so we ordered burgers. They were deliciously mediocre.

I should point out that I even had two cups of coffee, usually it’s maybe one if I could finish it before leaving for work.

Played blocks with my son and now I am snuggling him as he drifts off to sleep. Hopefully.

I am now debating on if I should play a game to de-stress, and relax my brain, try and write some or just go to bed and try and get some sleep before the 11–12 wake-up snuggle. Every night at almost the same time. It is sometimes hard to tell if my lil destroyer is asleep or not.

Oh, and I also found a place teaching karate nearby. Once my budget is in a better place I will definitely be seeing classes in the future. Sorry almost dozing off here, just typing to stay awake at this point. Gonna try putting him down in his crib…

Success!

Feb 24, 2021

Or not. 430 wake up this morning. And I mean wide awake. It’s all I can do to stay awake myself.

I think that today is gonna be a riot. Waiting for the coffee to cool down to drinkable. Contemplating a world in which I can live wearing a blanket.

Has not been too bad actually just after lunch now. Been fairly dead. I had a few meetings and got a bit of work done, for year-end. Hopefully, it stays like this.

I am contemplating switching to daily blog posts as opposed to weekly uploads. But as my daughter could be born any day now so I don’t want to be unreliable with my uploads. The weekly model allows me to make sure I have some form of content.

I will figure something out.

Feb 25, 2021

So yesterday I actually worked more on a short story. So that’s why I didn’t have more in the blog. My writing times are fairly limited at the moment. As it is I have mostly been writing on my phone which means a lot of backspacing to fix all the mistakes if I get on a groove

But I do get more time to write this way, even if there are more mistakes to fix.

I seem to be filled with lots of anxiety this morning, not sure why. I am keyed up, and my fight or flight reflex is definitely fight. My brain is playing through scenarios in which I have to fight to get to my wife when she goes into labor.

We are literally hoping it doesn’t happen this weekend. Because we live in a smaller town and the hospital has closed its operating room this weekend. And our midwife won’t do a home birth if we don’t have a hospital to go to in the event of an emergency. So we are stuck between the hospital in one city an hour and a half away, where we have no one. No family, no friends. Or the hospital 2 and a half hours away, where most of our family and friends live. So I have to be ready to make a two-three hour drive at any point of the day.

So I am a little amped up on stress and anxiety.

Plus having to deal with all the people at work. I am hoping I can wind down soon.

I had a moderately busy day, today still have about an hour left and I am not nearly as anxious. Now I am just tired. Just waiting to go home at this point.

Feb 26, 2021

So after getting home last night I managed to play with my son. We had a little dance party while I made some nut flour.

Then I crashed hard. I was in bed by 930 and pretty sure I was asleep before 10.

I did manage to get a bit of writing done while getting my son to bed. But last night was pretty much a wash. Hopefully, I can get some more done today.

Got most of the tasks for today done. But I have a killer headache. Maybe I need more coffee. Super not looking forward to inventory tonight. Debating on whether I want it to take longer for more OT or get it done faster so I can go home.

Inventory is a pain in the ass. It’s almost 8 and I am not done yet. Just saving everything to the computer then I call inventory and run around fixing whatever they want.

Not looking forward to that.

At least I get overtime.

Feb 27, 2021

Hello, sorry about yesterday’s short blurb, I was dead tired. I didn’t get him till almost nine. Then I watch the latest episode of Wandavision, not bad by the way. No spoilers.

Today I made some lembas bread, for those that don’t know it’s a nut bread based on bread made by elves from Lord of the rings.

And I wholeheartedly believe I got this recipe from an elf.

Let me explain. The woman had naturally pointed ears, a tall willowy frame, delicate facial structure with high cheekbones. And always, always, always! Played an elf in D&D.

Ergo I got this recipe from an elf.

Anyway, I haven’t done any story writing today. Been too busy with year-end. Fiscal year-end for the less business-minded.

Is just after eleven. But I don’t work tomorrow, so I am doing the standard dad thing of staying up late to play games.

Realistically I am going to bed pretty soon. Just getting some game time in and finishing my Slurpee. G’night.

Feb 28, 2021

Another day another early morning wake up, my baby boy was super upset this morning cause he somehow sent his pacifier out of his crib.

I managed to snuggle him back down but he’s probably gonna wake up for the day any moment now.

I plan to do a bit of writing today and maybe make a loaf or two of bread later today.

I kinda figured out how I want the short story I am working on to end. Then I can add it to my collection of first drafts.

Oh my god, I am trying to get my son down for his nap and he just won’t stop farting. I am getting gassed out.

I am sitting in the same chair as always trying to get my boy to sleep. Trying to write out my stress.

tomorrow my wife takes the concoction that is supposed to help induce labor. So odds are very high that sometime tomorrow my wife will go into labor. I am ready to be a father again. I love my son with all my heart and I will love my daughter just the same.

But instead of the home birth, we wanted odds are we are going to be in the hospital. And I don’t know why but I am apprehensive about it.

Okay, that’s a lie, I am apprehensive because I have had several bad dreams about there being complications at the hospital. And in some of those dreams, my wife doesn’t make it. And that terrifies me. Not only the thought of losing the love of my life but having to take care of my kids by myself.

I am not strong enough for that. I don’t know if I could support them by myself. While trying to process the grief of losing my wife.

One of my greatest fears is that I would be the weight that drags my children down to keep them from reaching their dreams.

I realize that dreams mean nothing. At best the dream of death is a symbol for change. At worst, a dream is a glimpse of an alternate reality where that event occurred.

But either way, I am trying not to show how unsettled by this I am.

I know the odds are we are going to be fine at a hospital with medical staff and assistance. Rather than home birth.

All the stress and anxiety are probably why I am always exhausted.

I am hoping it gets better once baby girl is here.
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['Dads', 'Blog', 'Life', 'Work', 'Retail']