my dream of fern
I struggle with the idea of being alone. Maybe it’s the fact that while I was growing up, my parents were always together. I never grew up with a parent being alone. Maybe it’s the way 90% of movies have a love story in them. Hollywood loves to condition us to romanticize life. Maybe it’s my own inner voice telling me I must find a romantic partner, and only then, will I feel fulfilled. Many people have the idea “If we can figure out the why, we can solve the problem”. But I guess in this case, the “why” does not matter. Because no matter what the “why” is, its child that I loathe very much is there. The “why” has created a grey-blue mindset, a rainy mindset. The “why” has created an obstacle that seems just too big for me to overcome. The “why” has handed me the gateway to self-isolation, depression, and the crumble of my life. The “why” is not the issue I need to confront first; its product is.

I made this realization this morning. I had a particularly pleasant dream last night, which is uncommon for me. Most nights I will wake up at least twice, so my dreams never are allotted the full viewing time in my mid the probably deserve. And once I wake up, the dream is gone forever. But last night’s dream was different. The person I interacted the most with in my dream was someone I know, and I see almost everyday, but I am not on good terms with (I was friends with this person a while back, romantically, but some unpleasant events happened, some spiteful words were spoken, and now we are no longer friends). For the past few months I have convinced myself that I was fine with the situation this person, we’ll call Fern, and I were in. Instead of dealing with my hurt feelings, I suppressed them and carried on with life. But in my dream last night, Fern and I started to talk. We communicated about how we felt considering our now standoffish relationship. In my dream, we started to become more comfortable with each other, and at one point we almost kissed. Have you ever had a dream where you can feel something, almost as if it were actually happening? When Fern touched my arm or got close, it was if I could feel him. I was very happy in this dream, and I didn’t want to leave.

When the dream was finally over and I had to face reality, I was so ashamed of myself. For the past few months, I have struggled with my feelings for Fern, and the entire situation that revolves around Fern. Maybe I should rephrase my current statement: I have suppressed my feelings for Fern, and the entire situation that revolves around Fern. For months have told myself “I am fine. I am great without Fern. Fern is just a jerk”. I have even gone so low as to insult Fern (in my mind) to make myself feel better: “I am intelligent, Fern is not. I have a sense of humor, Fern doesn’t understand wit”. And it isn’t like I am in love with Fern, but I have just never dealt with the fact that I was mistreated, I was hurt, and I was misused. And loneliness decided to monopolize on those suppressed feelings, and give me a nice, warm dream filled with Fern.

I think I will combat loneliness and situations with Fern tomorrow, and today clean my room.
['Paige Monroe']
['Loneliness', 'Dreams', 'Love']