I Blocked My Husband On Medium
I Blocked My Husband On Medium

Better late than never

Photo by Jose Fontano on Unsplash

June 25, 2019

I haven’t done it yet.

But I am strongly considering it.

I don’t want to do it out of anger. Or, maybe I do. I’m just afraid.

I’m fearful of what my husband’s reaction will be. We aren’t in the healthiest place right now.

Medium is my healthy place.

My husband is having a hard time with that. A hard time, like, he’s a writer too all of a sudden.

Doesn’t he see how creepy that is?

I guess not.

I want, no — I need to write.

I’m holding myself back because I know he is all over it as soon as I make a move on here.

It’s bullshit now that I think about it.

It’s confusing as hell that he recently proposed the idea of being polyamorous to me, yet, can’t go a single day without being in my shit. Or let me have independent thoughts and write about them on Medium without feeling the urge to stalk me daily.

Am I missing something here?

Would he be able to handle (and fully consent to) his wife being mind-blowingly intimate and intertwined with another man or woman, completely separate from him?

Huh. That’s definitely another story for another day.

Not today, Medium. Not today.

It took me ten years to find a space where I can be me, not a mom, not a wife, just me.

He’s trampled all over that, not only by making an account (after he found out I had one) but continually checking up on me and covertly one-upping me by publishing articles for his readers.

Those articles seem more like personal rebuttals to me, his wife, now that I think about it.

Is that really necessary?

How could I be the unhealthy one for blocking my husband and having my own space to vent about motherhood and matrimony when he repeatedly disrespects my boundaries?

It’s not about secrecy for me. There is not a single word on here that he hasn’t heard from my mouth first. It is about where the only place I can go right now for refuge.

Medium is the only place where I own my identity.

It feels like he wants to take that away from me.

I can’t let him.

It’s the only scrap of autonomy I have left.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to read his stuff. It has too big of an impact on me right now. It’s confusing to be in the middle of my thoughts and have him insert his.

I didn’t join Medium to figure out his shit or for him to read my articles and fix me.

I’m on here to figure it out for myself.

It seems as though neither of us is in a healthy state at the moment. We both need a peaceful place to work on ourselves before expecting our marriage to be a safe space.

I don’t want to block him. I could, but it doesn’t feel right.

Writing feels good.

I need to keep writing.

If I’ve figured out anything from this post, it’s that: I have to keep communicating unapologetically no matter what I do.

I can figure the rest out as I go along.
['Divina Grey']
['Writing', 'Life', 'Life Lessons', 'Relationships', 'Self Improvement']