1. You have a deep fear of abandonment

This fear can come in the form of being clingy, codependent, overly insecure, or even as depression and anxiety.

If you fear abandonment, you’re constantly afraid people in your life will leave, and it can be almost impossible to maintain healthy relationships.

“Although it is not an official phobia, the fear of abandonment is arguably one of the most common and most damaging fears of all. People with the fear of abandonment may tend to display behaviors and thought patterns that affect their relationships” Lisa Fritscher, in Understanding Fear of Abandonment

2. Your boundaries are either too weak or too rigid

For instance, during my childhood and teenage years, I always felt suffocated in the sense that I couldn’t express myself freely and safely. My space, identity, and self-expression were not respected.

I thought it was normal — now I know it was the result of living with an authoritarian father who was constantly trying to control my behavior.

This led me to fear speaking up for myself, as I’d always get punished for doing it. I have a really hard time saying no to people or expressing my truth.

Besides, I realized I have been overcompensating this difficulty of mine with super rigid, inflexible boundaries that nobody can cross. One of them is my space. When I feel overwhelmed, instead of openly telling people they’ve been disrespecting my need for personal space, I simply cut them off.

I know this is not healthy, but it has been my coping mechanism to protect me from my lack of boundaries. I’m working on it.

3. You’re ashamed of expressing emotions like sadness or anger

Shame creates feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, or regret, and it’s a particularly toxic emotion in children:

“Shame can be experienced as such a negative, intense emotion of self-loathing that it can lead one to disown it, and, in the case of one who acts like a bully, give it away by evoking that emotion in others (…) When children are emotionally or physically abandoned, abused, or neglected they often take on the shame that belongs to the adult who left or hurt them by assuming that it’s because they themselves are the “bad” one. Some children behave in ways that make them culpable for the shame that belongs to their parents.” Mary C. Lamia, in Shame: A Concealed, Contagious, and Dangerous Emotion

4. You distrust everyone, including yourself

Trust issues are a defense mechanism to try to avoid experiencing the same anxiety and heartache again, and they often stem from a wounded inner child that learned the hard way that people can’t be trusted.

Things get even more complicated when you’re also filled with self-doubt. When, as a child, you were neglected, invalidated, gaslighted, or emotionally abused, it’s difficult to build your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Even the smallest words have an impact. For instance, if your parents constantly told you “your grades should be better” or “don’t be so sensitive”, you absorb the message that something’s wrong with you and that you’ll never be good enough.

5. You’re a people-pleaser and you avoid conflict at all costs

You’re afraid of disappointing and frustrating other people because you unconsciously associate your worth with external validation.

The root of people-pleasing behavior is usually a childhood that forced you to silence your needs, thoughts, and emotions, to the point where you weaken your sense of self:

“As a child, I liked nothing more than feeling indispensable and being told I was a good and nice girl. This praise was incredibly important to me, as was making others happy. My own happiness did not come into the equation; I was happy because they were happy. I felt loved, safe, and appreciated, in the short term at least. As I got older my people-pleasing went into overdrive. I continually tried to gain people’s approval, make them happy, and help them whenever needed” KJ Hutchings, in 4 Fears That Create People-Pleasers and How to Ease Them

6. You’re prone to addiction

Addiction is often a symptom of underlying trauma that hasn’t been processed. Rather than confronting our issues and letting ourselves feel pain, we numb our emotions to avoid feeling at all costs.

The truth is, you’re not really addicted to the substance itself; you’re addicted to the relief and escapism it provides you (I have a whole article on this topic).

Ask yourself these questions:
Tags | Explanation
------- | --------
Fear of abandonment | You’re constantly afraid people in your life will leave, and it can be almost impossible to maintain healthy relationships.
Weak or rigid boundaries | You have a hard time saying no to people or expressing your truth.
Shame of expressing emotions | You’re afraid of disappointing and frustrating other people because you unconsciously associate your worth with external validation.
Distrust of everyone | You’re afraid of disappointing and frustrating other people because you unconsciously associate your worth with external validation.
People-pleaser and avoid conflict | You’re afraid of disappointing and frustrating other people because