there is no sure-fire answer that can get the results you want without the risk of conflict or loss. but there are ways of thinking about your situation and approaching it that can help. know your own experience: if you think about your situation as a problem to be solved then it becomes evident that you can benefit from understanding the problem well. this means understanding what you are feeling thinking and hoping for (both in the sense of what you want more of and what you’d like less of). begin with a positive: all discussions about problems can benefit from starting with the positive. so begin by stating what you value about your relationship and how you would like to make it even better. share your experience: by only briefly describing their behavior or the circumstance but truly focusing on your experience you invite the other person into your intimate space. making yourself vulnerable in this way tends to elicit a caring response from people who truly do care about you. if on the other hand you talk about all the things the other person is doing wrong they will most likely defend themselves by either shutting you out or attacking you. listen to their experience: ask how the situation and what you are saying affects them. make sure you take the time and invest the effort to understand their perspective. be aware that particularly if they are very upset you might need to listen to their response to the current situation before they can really hear what you have to say about your experience. ask for what you want: restate what you value about your relationship and how you would like to make it even better. be clear about how you would like the situation or their behavior to be different. and explain how you will both benefit from this change.
how can i let someone know i'm upset or want for them to change what they're doing without losing our relationship?