<p>I think your situation is made of two parts: dealing with solitude and getting to know more people.</p>

<p>From your description, it seems that you find solitude unpleaseant, so you've developted strategies to run away from it. Why do you find solitude so unpleasant? You have to investigate a little: what happends when you are alone? what kind of thoughts do you have? What do you find difficult to deal with?</p>

<p>As for the second part, try to think about what you understand about "having a friend" and "being a friend". What do you expect from a friend? Are your expectations realistic? Are you acting like a friend? Is there a behavior you can change so you come across as more gentle? Ask for feed-back from someone close ( a relative) and see what you can improve.</p>

<p>Can I ask you if you have a meditation practice? 
Good luck and take care of you and others!</p>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2016-07-05T21:56:43.507Z
This sutta talks in detail about true & false friendship: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.nara.html
Dhamma Dhatu
CC BY-SA 3.0
2016-07-05T12:43:50.780Z
2016-07-05T12:43:50.780Z
Anca
<p>Any desire that cannot be achieved will cause suffering. Therefore, if (for some rare reason) you are intrinsically unable to make friends, you should accept this situation rather than suffer over it. </p>

<p>That said, the luminous or clear part of our mind is not the same as the bad traits of the mind. If your mind is actually able to see it has bad traits then that part of the mind that can see is luminous &amp; clear. That is why Buddhism teaches we have the capacity to comprehend, work with &amp; change the bad traits of the mind. </p>

<p>The very fact that you have concern about your personal situation shows you have the trait of friendship towards yourself. </p>

<p>If you are uncomfortable with pursuing friendship in an ordinary way, you can find a good Buddhist centre or temple to visit &amp; discuss your personal concerns with a monk or teacher there. The Buddhist centre can be a place where you can learn to develop better traits &amp; friendship skills with others. </p>

<p>The Buddha called himself the 'Kalyanamitta' or 'Noble Spiritual Friend', who does not offer superficial friendship but the gift of skilful methods &amp; wisdom leading to peace.</p>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2016-07-05T11:10:22.800Z
2016-07-05T11:20:59.057Z
2016-07-05T11:20:59.057Z
Dhamma Dhatu
<p>I have been friendless for around 5 years. The reason I'm in this situation is due to my bad traits alone. I have actually grown accustomed to this till recently, when I became increasingly unsettled by the constant silence in my house. Usually, I've been able to shrug off this loneliness by busying myself with my studies, but lately, the strategy is not working.</p>

<p>This desire for friends has been gnawing at me everyday. But I've been alone for so long now that I find it hard to make friends. So my question is, is this desire healthy in terms of a Buddhist perspective? And if it's not, how do I subdue this desire?</p>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2016-07-05T13:09:01.787Z
I changed the title slightly to match the first question which you actually asked. You can reverse my edit, if the edit makes the question less clear or not what you wanted to ask.
ChrisW
<personal-practice><ethics><five-hindrances>
Is this desire, to not be friendless anymore, healthy?
# Is this desire, to not be friendless anymore, healthy?

(Asked by: username_0 on 2016-07-05)

I have been friendless for around 5 years. The reason I'm in this situation is due to my bad traits alone. I have actually grown accustomed to this till recently, when I became increasingly unsettled by the constant silence in my house. Usually, I've been able to shrug off this loneliness by busying myself with my studies, but lately, the strategy is not working.

This desire for friends has been gnawing at me everyday. But I've been alone for so long now that I find it hard to make friends. So my question is, is this desire healthy in terms of a Buddhist perspective? And if it's not, how do I subdue this desire?

**Tags:** personal-practice, ethics, five-hindrances

> **Comments:**
> **username_1**: I changed the title slightly to match the first question which you actually asked. You can reverse my edit, if the edit makes the question less clear or not what you wanted to ask.  

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## 2 answers

### Answer by username_3 on 2016-07-05. Score: 5

Any desire that cannot be achieved will cause suffering. Therefore, if (for some rare reason) you are intrinsically unable to make friends, you should accept this situation rather than suffer over it.

That said, the luminous or clear part of our mind is not the same as the bad traits of the mind. If your mind is actually able to see it has bad traits then that part of the mind that can see is luminous & clear. That is why Buddhism teaches we have the capacity to comprehend, work with & change the bad traits of the mind.

The very fact that you have concern about your personal situation shows you have the trait of friendship towards yourself.

If you are uncomfortable with pursuing friendship in an ordinary way, you can find a good Buddhist centre or temple to visit & discuss your personal concerns with a monk or teacher there. The Buddhist centre can be a place where you can learn to develop better traits & friendship skills with others.

The Buddha called himself the 'Kalyanamitta' or 'Noble Spiritual Friend', who does not offer superficial friendship but the gift of skilful methods & wisdom leading to peace.


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### Answer by username_2 on 2016-07-05. Score: 2

I think your situation is made of two parts: dealing with solitude and getting to know more people.

From your description, it seems that you find solitude unpleaseant, so you've developted strategies to run away from it. Why do you find solitude so unpleasant? You have to investigate a little: what happends when you are alone? what kind of thoughts do you have? What do you find difficult to deal with?

As for the second part, try to think about what you understand about "having a friend" and "being a friend". What do you expect from a friend? Are your expectations realistic? Are you acting like a friend? Is there a behavior you can change so you come across as more gentle? Ask for feed-back from someone close ( a relative) and see what you can improve.

Can I ask you if you have a meditation practice?
Good luck and take care of you and others!

> **Comments:**
> **username_3**: This sutta talks in detail about true & false friendship: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.nara.html  

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