I have a hard time ever feeling like I've disappointed someone. Because of this, I agree to almost anything someone asks of me—to go somewhere I really am not interested in, to help out with something I don't have time for, to loan money when I can't afford it, that sort of thing. How do I say "no" without feeling terrible about doing so?
I have a hard time ever feeling like I've disappointed someone. Because of this, I agree to almost anything someone asks of me—to go somewhere I really am not interested in, to help out with something I don't have time for, to loan money when I can't afford it, that sort of thing. How do I say "no" without feeling terrible about doing so?
user
It sounds like you're genuinely having a hard time saying no to others and feel bad about it when you do.  So just something to think about:  What is your purpose for saying "no"?  Do you see saying "no" as a negative thing?
assistant
I see "no" as a negative thing only if it upsets the person I'm saying it to—which it almost always does. If I say no to an invite, they feel rejected; if I say no to a request for help, they feel abandoned; and so on. So even though it's a genuine response and for my own good, my heart breaks to think about how it makes THEM feel.
user
If you feel bad when you say "no", then it's likely a sign that you're making other people a priority, and letting your own happiness take a backseat.  If that's the case, consider instead whether you want to be having these negative interactions.  Are you really interested in "being a good person", or rather in having positive relationships?
assistant
I just hate making people feel bad in any way. I want to have positive relationships, sure, but I don't want to keep overextending myself or complicating my own life to help out with things that I shouldn't—or more accurately cant—help out with. Do I just have to accept the fact that my own happiness depends on others being unhappy sometimes? That seems wrong somehow.
user
I'm sensing two possible reactions to this problem. The first is that you feel overburdened by everyone's demands, so you end up doing things you don't really want to do and it's ruining your life.  The second is that you feel that you're getting nothing in return, so it doesn't really matter how you feel or how you respond to others.
assistant
The first response is the accurate one. I am definitely overburdened by people's wants and needs. I have to be a little bit selfish, even if it makes other people unhappy. Even if it makes ME unhappy, too, I guess.
user