United Passions
The sheer fucking hubris of this movie makes it five stars in my heart.
There is something endlessly endearing about watching brainless, and soulless executives try desperately to convince themselves that they're not just parasites in make-work jobs that benefit the world about as much as the use of lead in paint. They're corrupt criminals leeching off a popular sport, and they are well aware of that fact. However, they're still so pathetically preoccupied with what the public thinks of them that they're willing to sink their ill-gotten gains into this incredibly embarrassing and poorly constructed movie.
I can't even begin to fathom the conception behind this movie. Who is it supposed to inspire? It's literally 100 minutes of charmless suits trying to cover their stinky unwashed asses. According to this very movie, none of these characters even pretend to give a fuck about football. 952
The formation of FIFA has absolutely nothing to do with love for the sport, its players, nor its fans. There is more saccharine <PERSON>-ian whimsy and weepy revelry in these characters finding new ways to profit off the sport, than in the presentation of the sport itself which is relegated to brief scene transitions. I don't even think we see a single player get a speaking line in this fucking movie.
Also, the fact that this was released A SINGLE YEAR before a bunch of corruption scandals hit the company (including their president, who is presented as explicitly incorruptible in this movie) is just so perfect. <PERSON>'s kiss.
If there's any lesson to be gleaned from United Passions; it's to never believe the hype. Executives are absolute fucking sub-IQ morons that are only in a prosperous position because they have zero scruples and are more than willing to take advantage of the system that has been constructed to benefit them. They could disappear en masse in a <PERSON>-style snap, and the world would function just as, if not more efficiently. 952