Everything that sucks about...
The Battle Of Five Armies
If there's one thing my time on the Geek in particular and on the internet in general has taught me than that a (seemingly) negative opinion to a rather beloved thing (be it game, movie, band, what have you) usually provokes the largest amount of attraction and/or feedback. There's something about negativity that stirs both sides of an argument. It causes the pro-crowd to jump to the subject's defense, while at the same time providing the nay-sayers with the comfort that they are not alone in their sentiments. Perhaps that's human nature. Perhaps it's a bit shady to exploit this in the form of a review. Then again, perhaps not.
I'm not a reviewer by trade although I've done my fair share of reviewing since starting out almost a decade ago. I've discussed movies, video games, records and also some board games, both semi-professionally and as a hobby. Expressing my opinion has always been a big part of critical reception of anything I like or dislike for me. So with this review (and hopefully several others following this template in the future) I want to put my love and/or my disdain for certain board games in words. And in so doing, I'll try to focus on the negative aspects of those games.
Why? Well, apart from the one thing I've already elaborted on, my main motivation is to give someone who's already interested in a game a decision aid in whether to go for the given game or not. I don't want anyone to take what I have to say too seriously, it only reflects my opinion of a game and nothing, not even the most elaborate review of a game, can supercede own experiences with a game by trying it out. But chances are, if you are reading a review written by me, you're already kind of interested in a game. I cherish no illusions that (for the time being) someone's gonna land on this review after he muttered something like „Well, let's have a look at what this awesome <PERSON>-fellow thinks about games I have absolutely no interest in“ or so. 488
This review is not aimed at people who already know the game, since I hope they're able to form an opinion on their own. This review is also not aimed at people who stumbled here accidentally and don't know what game we're talking about. This review is aimed at people who are already toying with the idea of buying the game and are looking for a critical voice of reason who tries to tell them what they might not like about said game, so that they can afterwards decide for themselves, whether those points are a deal-breaker for them or not.
And yeah, my final motivation for hoisting this review this way is the simple fact that I like to toy with people's expectations. How often do I browse the review-boards, skimming titles like „Greatest game ever“ or „You need to play this“, thinking „Yup, I guess those guys really like the game“, without clicking on their reviews? Here's the second-act-twist to my grand scheme: Perhaps I'm gonna say some pretty mean things about this game here. Does this mean, I don't like it? Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?
What is it about?
„The Battle Of The Five Armies“ is a miniature-filled waregame based on the climactic battle described in <PERSON>'s 1937 fantasy novel „The Hobbit“. It plays two players, takes somewhere between one and four hours and contains elements like area control, dice rolling and direct conflict.
Everything that sucks about it:
- This game lies about it's playing time. Yes, I know, lots of games do that. But not many are as mischievous about it as „The Battle Of Five Armies“. On the box, it sais „60+ minutes“. This is most certainly true, but it's also completely useless, since it could mean that a usual game takes 65, 73, 86 or 105 minutes. Or seventeen hours. If you're not playing against my former roommate (who fell asleep six times during a single scenario of „Legends of Andor“... with the dice he was about to roll firmly in his grasp), the game will not take seventeen hours, I can assure you that, but I think it is almost impossible to finish a game of „The Battle Of Five Armies“ in 60 minutes. The four times I played, no game took less than 150 minutes. 488