Is the opening of this detetctive short story gripping enough to read on. Is there any optimization in words and picture required?
“Listen Mr. <PERSON>, I am warning you for the last time. Next time I will just fire you. Why didn’t you close the window panes yesterday after the work? It’s just because of my luck that the robber didn’t take anything except few unimportant things. But I would still like to warn you to be careful.”
This was the kind of scolding I used to get from my boss Mr. <PERSON> almost every day. I was his company’s financier, so I had to work till late in night on his computer. I just wanted to quit his job, but money was compelling me to work for him. I lived in one of those houses built in front of his one big bungalow of a castle. Still, he wouldn’t pick me up in his ambassador in the morning. I really despised him.
I was working on my desk as usually when I heard the phone bell ringing in Mr. <PERSON>’s cabin. 624
Then it cut off. He probably must have picked up. After a few minutes I saw him rushing out of his cabin. He was in a real hurry. The clerk tried to aid him. But he pushed him aside and ran to his ambassador and drove away like a mad man. No one knew what has happened. His personal secretary, who was in the cabin, at that time said that the phone was from his home. Then after a few hours, the shocking news came to us. Somebody killed his son, and following it he declared a week holiday. This was the only good thing happened to me in the last five years working for him. But I was of course very sorry for his son. Why would any one kill a 10 year old boy! . .
Does this opening look too short or too quick or can even this be shortened further removing any unnecessary description like 'not giving him a lift to the office', which i feel can be avoided but I am not sure. 119