title: life  new emojis apple created specifically to shame me for the time i backed my car into the public swimming pool
text: you begin describing small aliens 
  they were small 
  ah man says the cabbie just some little small aliens huh 
  he seems disappointed wait i changed my mind they were big 
  you begin describing the big aliens 
  they were big 
  wow big aliens says the cabbie now were talking i never heard of anything like that what were the big aliens like did they have legs they had skin like leather 
  you dont tell the cabbie about aliens 
  thats okay he says as he drives on aliens gee makes sense i guess i never heard of nothing like aliens pass the rest of the ride in silence come to think of it i did see some aliens tonight and they were big 
  ah thats too bad says the cabbie like i said i never heard of anything like aliens before but i was getting ready to believe you especially if they had big nice legs ones like you just described though thanks but no thanks pass the rest of the ride in silence come to think of it the aliens i saw did have big nice legs five of them 
  the cabbie nods excitedly and these hollow black eyes and thats it 
  the cabbie is rapt with awe with fearsome ivory fangs 
  the cabbie signals you to keep going and five big nice legs and thats it 
  ah the legs i can picture it perfectly says the cabbie aliens i never heard of nothing like that before but i can practically see those legs kicking so nice and so big 
  the cab begins to swerve as the cabbie becomes more excited about how big the aliens legs were and is no longer paying any attention to the road im telling the truth the legs were big wait i just remembered the legs were small 
  yes those big alien legs the cabbie shrieks as he completely loses control of the vehicle which goes careering up a nearby volcano his last words as the taxi plummets over the verge and into molten lava are i believe you 
  someone believed that you were abducted by aliens but at what cost at the cost of dying in a volcano start over 
  here we are sisters apartment says the cabbie great how much do i owe you leave without paying 
  this ones on the house says the cabbie thanks 
  youre outside your sisters apartment complex which is where your sister makes  per day working from home 
  you super trust and super admire your sister she is a master of logic and facts and you know shell have a high bar for believing your story youll need to remember a lot of good detail if you hope to convince her and youll need to hurry since your memory is already feeling a little fuzzy text your sister about the fact that you are outside and have seen aliens send your sister nine emails about the fact that you are outside and have seen aliens text your sister the alien emoji the abduction emoji and the outside apartment emoji 
  your sister answers the door immediately she invites you to sit down on the couch and hands you a microphone with the local news channels logo cube on it and asks you to tell her what happened i was abducted by aliens and i am going to tell you all about it stand back my sibling i am going to convince you that i was abducted by aliens 
  aliens eh your sister asks abducted by yes my sister they stole me from the atmosphere and now im back precisely now listen up my sibling here comes the tale 
  go ahead then says your sister tell me a story about how aliens stole you from the atmosphere it began like any other night it began right away with aliens it began right after the aliens had left me in the forest and disappeared 
  you begin your story 
  the alien light dissipated i was alone in the forest at night 
  i decided to hail a cab so i stuck out my arm in the universal sign for taxi immediately a cab burst from the forest 
  where you headed the cab driver asked i got in and told him to go to my sisters house the cabbie got out of the cab 
  it was then i remember the cabbie got out of his cab then he got back in the cab and thats all i remember 
  so says your sister if i have your story right you hailed a cab in the forest and at some point the driver got out of the vehicle and thats all you remember exactly theres more to the story let me start over 
  the next thing i knew he was back in the cab 
  where you headed he asked me again i told him to go to my sisters house he got out of the cab again 
  i believe you about the driver getting out of the car but i dont think you saw any aliens says your sister im sorry but thats just how i feel 
  your sister doesnt believe that you were abducted by aliens you have failed start over 
  the cabbie floored it and pretty soon we were driving through the city on the way to my sisters house which is where you live we arrived and i thanked the cabbie for his service 
  when we arrived i got out of the cab the cabbie and i pointed at each other and waved goodbye in silence for three minutes and thats the end of my story 
  well it certainly sounds like you took a taxi from the forest to my apartment but im sorry to say im not convinced that you saw any aliens says your sister is that really the whole story yes thats it there was more 
  then i dont believe you saw any aliens 
  ouch you really bungled the story about how you were abducted by aliens you are a miserable bard of the supernatural and your sister didnt believe you at all you have failed start over 
  your sister settles in as you begin your alien testimony 
  it began like any other night i thought it was guy fawkes night so i was in the forest setting off fireworks by myself i would light the firework run back to safety look up and 
   boom good riddance sir fawkes it was so much fun i decided to light another firework i wasnt having fun but i decided to light another firework 
  i lit the firework stepped back and looked up i expected to see a sparkling skyrocket what i saw was a sparkling skyrocket just as i had expected a strange light in the sky 
  yes it was a skyrocket my expectation was on the money 
  i prepared to launch another firework into the sky i loaded it up sprinted back to safety and looked to the sky again this time expecting to see the gorgeous blue and purple firework known as the butchers delight and the butchers delight it was and thats when it happened 
  i was right again in the clear sky above me i saw the firework called the butchers delight 
  i set up the last firework drew a match and lit the fuse it was a quick fuse so the firework had already launched by the time i turned around and looked up thinking i would see the unmistakeable multicolored burst of the salute to james buchanan firework but is that what i saw looking to the skies yes it was it was not for that was when it happened 
  yes my sibling the salute to james buchanan firework exploded as planned 
  i applauded at the fireworks finale congratulating myself on another successful night of fireworks even as i realized that i had bungled the guy fawkes date again then i went home then i came right to you 
  thank you says your sister that was a very nice story about how you set off fireworks in the woods by yourself and did you see any aliens while you were at it yes no 
  well i dont believe you you only told me about fireworks i was expecting to hear more about aliens 
  you have not convinced your sister that you saw aliens wait i didnt tell it right start over 
  okay says your sister its too bad nothing happened with aliens 
  you have not convinced her that you were abducted by aliens wait i didnt tell it right start over 
  a strange light appeared in the sky i ran but the strange light followed me i couldnt escape it there was a sudden burst of futuristic light 
  science enveloped me the light only got more futuristic then all of a sudden i was standing on the ufo deck 
  when the light faded i noticed that i was on a spaceship 
  this part of the ship was clean and triangular i noticed that the spaceship had some sort of artificial gravity i could tell immediately that the spaceship was in space 
  okay i think i understand that you were on a spaceship says your sister get to the aliens though how about some aliens in the story when you were on the spaceship were there any aliens that you saw yes i dont know but my boss from my first job was there 
  my boss from my first job was there and he was happy to see me my boss said that i was dreaming and i said yes that seems right my boss said that i was dreaming and i said no thats wrong but it later turned out that he was right 
  hmm says your sister it sounds to me like instead of encountering aliens you had a dream about seeing your boss in space could that be right yeah thats definitely right wait i told the story wrong let me start over 
  you were trying to get your sister to believe that you had seen aliens but all you managed to convince her of was that you had a dream about seeing your boss in space you failed start over 
  there were aliens a crowd of them huge mighty creatures with skin like leather hollow black eyes and fearsome ivory fangs the aliens were shouting at me but i couldnt understand what they were saying jench crev amamu the aliens shouted but i could not understand 
  from among the aliens a bigger alien stepped forth i immediately realized this was their mayor of the aliens as the alien was wearing a ceremonial mayoral jacket the mayor took out a device 
  the mayor reached out and put the device over my eyes 
  suddenly i could hear everything differently the mayor then seemed to speak to me in english 
  welcome to my ufo said the mayor you are now wearing language glasses they allow you to understand anything that we say in our language but be careful it doesnt work the other way around if you want to learn how to talk like us youll need to visit the language room and earn a diploma from the language guide i told the mayor that i understood i told the mayor that i didnt understand i asked the mayor to explain who the aliens were and what their purpose was 
  i dont know what youre saying but im going to assume you asked who we are and what our purpose is 
  to do that i will need to tell you how the world works in the universe there are three kinds of things first there is us we are called people you can tell were people by inspecting our beautiful ivory fangs and big thick legs its obvious 
  second there is god god is special secret and far away and there is only one of him and we need to find him so that we can hold hands forever we dont know where god is but we are looking for him 
  last there is rocks rocks is everything else planets are rocks spaceships are rocks since you are not a person you are probably also a rockunless of course you are god but thats very unlikely and illegal i asked the mayor how to find out if i am a rock or if i am god 
  i still cant understand you but heres the deal im going to retreat to the observation deck and look at the majesty of space for a while go to the language room learn our language then come find me and well see if we can find a use for you the mayor left and i was alone with the crowd of aliens 
  in the spaceships deck the crowd of aliens was talking excitedly about god and about the kinds of dances they would do together when they found him at last i left the deck area and went south into the hallway 
  in the language room a man was standing on a small circular stage 
  above him hung a giant banner that read language tutorial for english speakers he began the tutorial 
  welcome to this free alienlanguage tutorial for english speakers said the man if you are viewing this in hologram form it means our captors have determined i am no longer necessary and that they have mercifully killed me and freed me from my didactic prison right on i waved my hand through him to confirm that he was a hologram i continued watching the presentation 
  he was not a hologram 
  ha not yet i wish he said please sit down and lets get this presentation over with i sat back down and kept watching the presentation 
  lets begin with the most basic grammatical element of the language the word crev the man began 
  he gestured in the air beside him where the word crev appeared in red light 
  crev is a verb that roughly translates as to be about to point at something if you want to communicate effectively with the aliens its an extremely important word to know crev i managed to say creb i blurted stupidly 
  for example to announce that i am ready to point at something i would begin with the word amamu which means me then i would say crev then i would say what i am pointing at 
  like this amamu crev meryl streep i looked where the man was pointing i knew then that the man was pointing at meryl streep 
  hello said meryl streep i am definitely a hologram amamu crev meryl streep i said as i pointed at the meryl streep hologram 
  very good the next word were going to learn is important but be aware that it is very politically charged i am of course talking about the controversial word crevv and you must be very careful with it its a slur that means bad alien and is extremely insulting to use in any situation but language tutorials crevv i said i nodded solemnly i asked the teacher for an example of the bad word in context 
  here is an example of crevv used in english context oh god the aliens are killing me why did i say crevv why didnt someone teach me not to say crevv i shouldnt have said crevv i said okay i said nothing 
  crevv i said 
  no sooner had the word left my lips than a fearsome ivory fang had pierced my vulnerable stomach and sent everything inside me all over the place i was dead 
  you wrap your story about the aliens 
  ah soyou died your sister asks yeah wait i didnt tell the story right let me start over 
  hmmm idoubt it says your sister 
  you told a story about how you got abducted by aliens and died but your sister doesnt seem convinced 
  no one believed you you failed wait i didnt tell the story right start over 
  at this point youre almost conversant in the language you just have a couple more words to get through i am now teaching you the word jench it means god i said jench 
  finally the word bride is the equivalent of the english word um when you say the word bride it means that you have forgotten how to speak and you are trying to remember i said bride 
  this concludes this first and only module of alien language for english beginners thank you for learning with me get out there start speaking the language and remember if im not already dead please find someone who will kill me 
  with that the teacher handed me a diploma with some inscrutable symbols on it and ushered me out of the language room i left the language room and went back out to the ship hallway i went east 
  i was in the ship corridor to the south of the first room i went north