title: news incredibly selfish the city of chicago wants its baseball team to win the world series even though it already has a bunch of movie theaters and a zoo
text: email youre hacking up a lung and highly contagious which gives you serious power over any retirement community theyll agree to almost anything you demand 
   unlimited free toast from the breakfast buffet theyve got plenty of toast in the dining hall so the retirement community will surrender as much toast as you want if you agree not to come near their barely functional immune systems until your flu clears white wheat pumpernickelits all yours for the taking however toast is just the beginning of what you can wring out of these defenseless seniors 
   permission to tear all the nice pictures out of their magazines youre a walking plague ship of a human and that puts the feeble and poorly constituted at your every whim feel free to peruse through the magazines in the senior lounge and keep any pictures you like you can rip up golf digest to shreds for the glossy ads about wrist watches they cant stop you 
   lipitor youre not sure what this drug does maybe some kind of blood thing but if you want to try lipitor this is your chance threaten to walk through their halls coughing on every doorknob you see unless you get a sack of lipitor pronto youve got them over a barrel 
   access to a senile patient whos been told youre fdr this is your opportunity to have an yearold man fawn over you and gratefully thank you for leading america through wwii the retirement home might hesitate to lend a resident to you but theyll cave once you remind them that youve got plenty of virusladen phlegm to spread around at the end of the day sacrificing one elder for the good of the others is a gamble a retirement community will take every time 
   renaming the retirement community after you  tell them there better be a bronze plaque with your name bolted next to the front door or youre going to lurch through their rec center hugging every retiree you encounter like the goddamn horseman of pestilence show them you mean business by taking their purell dispenser from the front lobby and throwing it into the street 
   have them cure your flu all good things must come to an end including your fluempowered reign of terror when youre ready to recover from your debilitating illness ask them to send over a nurse with some antiviral drugs and chicken soup just make sure the retirement community agrees to all these concessions in writing because once youre healthy youve got nothing over them anymore