title:  Washington Post Issues PRICELESS ‘Apology’ To Trump, Puts Out ‘True, Unbiased’ Inauguration Story
text: The Washington Post, after being repeatedly dragged through the mud at the (tiny) hands of Donald Trump, not to mention also being labeled  fake news,  has decided it owes Trump an apology. They ve (sarcastically) conceded that the press has been mean and has hurt Trump s feelings, and that they ve even lied through their teeth. And they ve published the  true, unbiased  version of Trump s inauguration that he no doubt sincerely believes we should all heed.And it s amazing. It s hilarious. Its sarcasm is over the top, as it should be because Trump s overinflated opinion of himself is over the top. If it wasn t, he wouldn t have told the CIA,  Wait a minute, I made a speech. I looked out, the field was   it looked like a million, million and a half people. The Post s story addresses all of this and more with hilarious abandon. Written by Alexandra Petri, it starts off with an abject apology: I apologize to Donald Trump. As Sean Spicer so wisely said at his first news conference on Monday (It was the first. The one that happened on Saturday did not happen at all, and I recognize that!), it is unfair to be so mean and negative all the time.Here is the fair and unbiased story about the inauguration written in compliance with the Trump style guidelines that we should have been obeying all along. She also  reports  on the  apology  that all the media gave to Trump, which touches on his childish temper tantrums, his inability to let even the tiniest of slights go, and Sean Spicer s whining that the press hurts Trump s feelings:The media was there, too, and they were very sorry.  Donald,  the newscasters said,  we were mean to you. We used to laugh and call you names. We were no better than all of the other reindeer. How can you ever forgive us? Forgive you?  Donald Trump asked.  I ve already forgotten.  He smiled a big, beautiful smile.And she says,  Nothing that has ever happened or will ever happen was as great as Donald Trump s inauguration. Truth. Not. But Trump doesn t know that. In his mind, he can do no wrong. His accomplishments are great and many, his failures and faults don t exist, and the press is very, very wrong to not focus on his great accomplishments. He s a legend in his own mind.Trump, we should all remember, has the best speeches, the best words, the best everything, and Petri highlights his incessant, exaggerated bragging with this: Everyone liked Donald Trump s speech and the words that he used. They liked even more the part where he rolled up his sleeve and showed off his bicep. It was a great bicep. It made the Rock so upset to see it that he threw something down on the ground and said  darn. However, the true zingers start when Petri talks about how Trump walked through the crowd (he didn t), touching everyone  in a way that they all thought was welcome and appropriate,  (ha!) and curing diseases, kind of like Jesus, so nobody would ever need vaccines again. She then points out a piece of Trump s agenda in this gem of sarcasm: It was like the Oscars, but also like Woodstock, but also like the Super Bowl, but also like the Sermon on the Mount. If you were not there, you should just go home and die, because nothing in your life will have purpose or meaning by comparison, not even holding your newborn child in your arms or having health insurance.  [emphasis mine]And finally, she closes with the biggest zinger of all: Donald Trump is the star. People love him.He won the popular vote, too.  [emphasis mine]Considering he plans on wasting taxpayer dollars with an investigation to prove he won the popular vote, that s the best of all of them. Maybe Trump will notice this story, but not its sarcasm, and make an even bigger fool of himself on this.Featured image by Drew Angerer via Getty Images