title: news animal welfare ftw oscar mayer now requires pork producers to give their pigs one thrilling sexual experience before sending them to slaughter
text: email it only takes one misstep to ruin an applepicking trip for everyone why not brush up on these applepicking rules so you dont end up in the punishment orchard 
   dont climb the trees apple trees are for picking not climbing fail to heed this rule and you might just find yourself stuck in the cruel autumn shadow of the punishment orchard swinging from a tree branch in the regular orchard wont seem worth it once youre lashed to a hayride and dumped in the middle of this sprawling acre wasteland where the fog never lifts and the apples are all way too hot to pick 
   twist dont pull heads up pulling an apple can inadvertently knock down other fruit and risks damaging the tree better to carefully twist the apple upwards than be consigned to the punishment orchards sea of wet beige trees with no end in sight keep this rule in mind and you will never get trapped in the pitchblack sap oozing out of all the trees nor will you be driven mad by the winds that constantly whisper a summary of dale earnhardts death 
   dont waste fruit the stench of bleach and pennies will be the surefire sign that your decision to just toss imperfect apples onto the ground of the normal orchard has landed you in the wicked seething grove of the punishment orchard a chorus of middleaged men shrouded by crude scarecrow masks will taunt you with their vexing rhyme we are the men who have picked before  your hands are bags your days no more looking down condemned travelers will realize the infectious verse has replaced their hands with reusable grocery bags and they can no longer remember important birthdays 
   dont eat the apples until youve paid youll want to pay upfront if you dont want to wake up in the wicker prison at the base of the tree of despair a beige monstrosity whose sprawling tendrils lie directly under the approach path of the regional airport you must sit in your atonement basket while the depraved orphaned children of the punishment orchard throw scalding apples at your head as part of one of their simpleminded religious rituals 
   dont pick outside the designated areas follow the clearly posted signs in sunny and cheerful normal orchard and you should be fine wanderers will have their names recorded on the punishment orchards ledger of bad deeds a shameful blight that nearly cost william rehnquist his appointment to the supreme court in  then they will be given incorrect directions which will only send them deeper into the bowels of the punishment orchard where the cider warden bathes himself in bleach and spare change even years after a stay in the punishment orchard the smell of either of these items will send you into a vivid vietnam flashback regardless of whether or not you fought in vietnam 
   no running its natural to let the excitement of apple picking get the best of you just dont be surprised if you draw the ire of the punishment picker setting aside his chisel and cigar he will take an afternoon off from making sculptures of mussolini having a great time in order to make a sculpture of you getting stung by a bee your cries of remorse will be drowned out by the children of the punishment orchard cheering gather your coins friends the punishment man of the forest has taken a day off of sculpting a happy mussolini in order to immortalize a delinquent being humiliated by a bee 
  happy picking