title: news missed opportunity president obama just found out that he was allowed to sleep in the white house after years of living in a hotel near the reagan airport
text:  things that happen in every jane austen story ever posted today email jane we love ya but maybe mix it up a little 
   someone named bullfinch comes back from vacation if in the middle of a tense dinner party between members of rival agrarian families a man suddenly bursts through the wall wearing a hawaiian shirt and carrying luggage and someone in the back of the room shouts hot damn bullfinch is back from vacation then you can be sure that youre reading a jane austen novel 
   one chapter briefly digresses from the main storyline to describe a clever bonnetwearing mule literary scholars attribute austens obsession with bonnetwearing mules to the fact that whenever a publisher would pay austen for her work such an animal would immediately knock her down and eat all her money savvy readers know just to skip these chapters 
   yorkshire county lifts up and moves itself a few inches further into the north sea to try and crush skinnydippers some say that had austen written another two novels all the land of yorkshire wouldve finally flattened the naked swimmers itd always lusted to suffocate 
   characters spend the entirety of a picnic trying to remember the word picnic sister  i do believe the proper nomenclature is dirt suppersister  nonsense mother insists it is called a scoundrels mealsister  now now let us not be uncomely i happen to know as a matter of fact that it is called a porknock every damn book 
   abraham lincoln always shows up at the main characters home and asks to use the toilet did they even have toilets back then whether its northanger abbey or mansfield park  sense and sensibility or persuasion  theres always that part where honest abe is standing at the front door holding his top hat over his crotch region and politely asking if he can make disgrace in the family commode 
   the local butcher tries to insert himself into any love triangle that will have him this austen staple was first seen in pride and prejudice  where brigsby the butcher sheepishly presents fitzwilliam darcy elizabeth bennet and anne de bourgh with a sack full of raw ribeye and quietly begs them to break his heart too if youve read any other austen novel you know the scorned butcher is as essential to her writing as the setting of victorian england