title: life career goals ftw  tips for asking the man whose hand is currently on your knee for a raise
text: email yoda is a sick elderly reptile who lives alone at a motel in a swamp hes an absolute mess and hes incapable of looking after himself do you think you have what it takes to be his livein caretaker  before we get started you need to understand that this is not a glamorous job yoda is miserable to be around he needs constant supervision and his hygiene is appalling caring for him is an aroundtheclock gig and it requires an extraordinary level of patience and compassion youre going to have to put up with a lot of bullshit thats okay im confident i can handle whatever challenges the job throws my way wow that sounds pretty difficult i suppose id just have to try my best and hope i do a good job honestly i dont really have any experience with anything like this i already know that i would do a terrible job  one of the most important aspects of the job is tending to yodas skincare needs his skin is dry flaky and covered in sores and it needs to be rubbed down several times a day with a special prescription lotion unfortunately yoda hates being touched and he wont let you put the lotion on without a fight sometimes hell spray you with his stink gland or try to bite you other times hell scurry underneath the couch and try to dig a hole in the floor to hide in frantically scratching at the carpet until his hooves are bloody and raw with this in mind how would you go about getting him to cooperate with you for his skin treatments using simple terms he can understand id explain to him why the skin treatments are necessary and id work with him to figure out what exactly he doesnt enjoy about them and then use that information to tailor the process for him so that its as painless and comfortable as possible i would trap him underneath a laundry basket until he burns off all his combative energy then once hes tuckered out i would pin him to the floor with my knee and apply the lotion to his skin as quickly as possible before he gets a second wind id spread a thin layer of the lotion around the inside of a garbage bag then id roll a tennis ball past yoda to create a distraction and while his attention is diverted i would run over and stuff him inside the garbage bag id shake him up and down inside the bag until his body was covered in lotion and then i would dump him out on a mat of paper towels to clean off any excess lotion i would really rather not touch his gross skin so id probably just leave the lotion out on the counter for him  yoda always makes a huge fuss about eating his fruits and vegetables and if he had his way he would live entirely off of slim jims how would you ensure that hes eating a healthy nutritious diet and not just slim jims i would make him healthy vegetarian slim jims out of ground mushrooms spices lentils and other wholesome ingredientshe wouldnt be able to tell the difference i would dip all of his slim jims in nail polish remover to make them taste horrible leaving him no choice but to eat the vegetables if he doesnt want to go hungry i would tell him that his nemesis count dooku is coming to spay him and the only way for him to get strong enough to fight back is if he fills himself up on powerful vitamins and minerals like the ones found in fruits and vegetables i would mash the fruits and vegetables into a paste and force the paste down his throat with my fingers  yoda spends hours each morning tending to a patch of weeds out back that he refers to as his crops its pretty harmlesshe mostly just sprays the hose and drags a rake around a bitbut if you dont keep an eye on him hell sneak away and try to find the chosen one thats what he calls the trasheating swamp pelican that lives in the pond behind the house its unclear why he thinks this pelican is so special but hes already given it his lightsaber and all of his money in an effort to help it defeat the dark side this is all nonsense of course and its important to make sure yoda doesnt give any more of his valuables to this bird what measures would you take to keep yoda away from the chosen one i would tether him to the house with a length of rope thats long enough for him to freely tend to his crops but too short for him to wander off to places he shouldnt be i would dress yoda in a vest covered in flashing lights and bells which would scare the pelican away should it ever try to approach shock collar i would shoot the pelican with a gun and then make yoda eat its disgusting meat so that he realizes that the bird isnt special  theres nothing in the world that yoda enjoys more than watching pornography however doing so gets him extremely riled up and his doctor has warned that his heart is no longer strong enough to handle excitement like this nonetheless yoda will still try to watch porn any chance he gets and the only way to curb this habit is to reprimand him when he does how would you reprimand yoda for watching porn i would revoke his tv and computer privileges for the rest of the day and have him use his time to do something constructive instead i would put an oven mitt over his head and ducttape it in place so hed be physically incapable of looking at pornor anything else for that matter i would leave the oven mitt over his head for an entire day i would strip off all his clothes and parade him around town so that he could see how it feels to have strangers stare at him when hes naked i would charge people  to take pictures with naked yoda and i would spend all the money on something he hates i would put him in the oven and pretend like i was going to cremate him and i would only take him out if he promised to never look at porn again  one thing to be aware of is that yoda is very afraid of airplanes if he hears a commercial jet flying overhead hell freak out and try to use the force to make it crash granted hes probably not strong enough anymore to actually cause any harm but just be aware that thats a thing he might do got it ill make sure he doesnt try to down any airplanes if yoda wants to make an airplane crash who am i to stop him  yoda has no family or friends but he does have a catfish named obiwan that he keeps in a cigar box next to his bed he talks quietly to the catfish for several hours each night but what he doesnt realize is that the catfish is dead yodas doctor is concerned that hes formed an unhealthy attachment to the catfish and he has strongly suggested taking the catfish away from him before he becomes any more emotionally invested in it how would you go about taking yodas catfish away from him while also minimizing the emotional devastation that will result from losing his treasured companion i would get yoda a fishbowl and his very own pet goldfish once he has a real live fish to take care of i trust hell begin losing interest in obiwan and i will then gradually start weaning the dead fish out of his life while yoda is sleeping i would secretly put a small speaker inside of obiwans belly and wirelessly connect it to a microphone that i could use to make the dead catfish talk then the following day when yoda is having his alone time with obiwan i would have the catfish say yoda if you truly care about me please flush me down the toilet so i can go live with my family in the sewer hopefully he would feel comfortable parting with his companion if he thought it was what the dead catfish wanted i would tell yoda that count dooku is coming to make obiwan into a delicious po boy sandwich and the only way for him to thwart his nemesis is to run outside and toss obiwan into the swamp pond so he can swim away to safety i would throw obiwan in the trash and then lock yoda in a cupboard until he stops crying get results results for do you have what it takes to be yodas livein caretaker you have what it takes to be yodas livein caretaker wow sounds like this is the perfect gig for you looking after yoda is a very demanding job but your thoughtfulness and patience would be the perfect counterbalance to his unpleasant lifestyle and turbulent behavior the force is definitely on your side share your results