title: life  people who came to my garage sale who seem to be sticking around for dinner
text: email 
  the cruelty of factory farms is a daily nightmare for billions of animals but that might soon start to change thanks to a forwardthinking initiative by one of the biggest names in the meat industry in a humane act of compassion for their livestock the oscar mayer company now requires its pork suppliers to give their pigs one thrilling sexual experience before sending them to slaughter 
  its pretty difficult to overstate what a huge leap forward this is for animal rights 
  the details of the new policy are extremely promising once a pig reaches sexual maturity factory workers must lather it in a warming lubricant and place it in an outdoor pen where it will encounter dozens of sows in heat and boars specially bred to produce voluptuously potent pheromone levels the pigs will then be encouraged to partake in any variety of sowonboar sowonsow boaronboar or autoerotic swineplay they prefer only after theyve bellowed long guttural squeals of satisfaction will these pigs be killed processed and separated into their desirable parts for human consumption 
  conscious consumers can rest assured oscar mayer pork will have been treated to full prostate and teat stimulation via doubleprodded toys clamps and strategically placed ice cubes before being sent to the slaughterhouse farmers will even have to install sprinklers emitting warm hog urine for any pig who might be into that 
  wow it seems like oscar mayer is truly dedicated to setting a new bar for ethical animal treatment 
  to put this in perspective not even freerange operations keep pig behavior specialists onsite to spot hogs nearing ejaculation and pull them away in order to temporarily evade orgasm thereby extending the hogs arousal and making their eventual climaxes that much more explosive for a household meat brand like oscar mayer to endorse this kind of practice is a really really big deal 
  before slaughter we intend to treat our pigs to nothing less than the absolute highest order of hoofshattering orgasms said oscar mayer president mark magnesen in a press release our commitment to the wellbeing of animals means ensuring that no pig reaches an abbatoir without first experiencing a flesh romp so sensational it causes their numbing limbs to buckle under fullbodied tailtosnout pleasure 
  just yes even peta has to admit that this is a great new direction for pork producers 
  taste tests held by the company revealed that customers unanimously preferred meat from sexually gratified pigs over meat from pigs raised under typical factoryfarm stresses interested in trying some yourself or just want to support the cause look for the special label theyve created to specify that their products came from a pig they made squeal in wanton rapture 
  well it looks like oscar mayer is finally getting on the right side of animal rights history this is exactly the thoughtful kind of action consumers want to see food companies enact they could have easily just asked suppliers to masturbate a few pigs to completion and called it change but the level of care theyre pouring into these bacchanalian thrills shows that theyre truly making animal welfare a priority 
  any progress for farm animals is welcome progress and hopefully this is a sign of even better living conditions to come one blowout circus of carnal delights is the least they can do for these pigs