Control Tower to Pilot
> >
> >
> > The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and
> > control towers from around the world:
> >
> > While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
> made
> > a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
> > 727.   The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
> > screaming: "US  Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
> onto
> > Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!  Stop right there.  I know
> it's
> > difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
> > right!"
> >
> > Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> > hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to
> sort
> > this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You 
> can
> > expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you
> to
> > go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got
> > that, US Air 2771?"
> >
> > "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> >
> > Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
> verbal
> > bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
> controller
> > in her current state.  Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
> Then
> > an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you
> once?"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
> > three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide 
> spacing
> > between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it
> costs
> > us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
> >
> > Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
> thousand
> > dollars' worth."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
> speed
> > a little high.
> >
> > San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway,
> if
> > able.  If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a
> right
> > at the light to return to the airport."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
> > vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
> >
> > KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one
> o'clock
> > and three miles."
> >
> > Three-two Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow him."
> >
> > KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
> o'clock
> > and three miles.  Do you have that traffic?"
> >
> > Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've
> got
> > something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> >
> > Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> > immediately!"
> >
> > Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
> >
> > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.  By the way,
> after
> > we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
> runway."
> >
> > Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> > 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
> >
> > Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, 
> we
> > copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short tempered
lot.
> > They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
> get
> > there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement
> that
> > we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
> ground
> > control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
> >
> > Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the
> > active runway."
> >
> > Ground: "Guten Morgen.  You vill taxi to your gate." The big British
> Airways
> > 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> >
> > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
> >
> > Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
> location
> > now."
> >
> > Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown 
> to
> > Frankfurt before?"
> >
> > Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944.  In another type
> of
> > Boeing, but just to drop something off.  I didn't stop."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one
> > o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
> >
> > United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
> Fokker
> > in sight."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
> overheard
> > the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start
clearance
> > time?"
> >
> > Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
> >
> > Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> Germany.
> >  Why must I speak English?"
> >
> > Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
> bloody
> > war!"