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The occasional newsletter of The Negotiation Skills
Company, Inc. (TNSC)

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Number 17, August 2001
Negotiation In Emotional Circumstances

Our website's advice section gets questions on a wide
variety of topics from all over the world.  Recently a
web visitor posed a question that many of us face. 
Often as our own children are establishing themselves
as adults, we're faced with issues relating to care for
older relatives.

Here's our reader's question and our response:

Convincing Elders To Accept Care

Question: As a hospital/geriatric social worker, both
in my personal and work life I am frequently asked the
following question:  "My elderly [parent, aunt,
neighbor...] clearly needs some help at home, but
refuses this help [even if free, or done by a family
member, a church...].  How can I convince this person
to accept help?"

After I've determined that the issue isn't financial
(usually a solvable problem), then I am frequently at a
loss.  The situations I've seen like this seem to only
resolve after a crisis occurs, and the person has no
choice. 

How would you approach a situation like this?  The
issues seem to revolve around pride, retaining control,
denial of illness, aging or disability...  Any
thoughts?

Response: In his 'Notes From The Underground',
Dostoevsky wrote, "Human behavior is motivated by the
craving for absolute freedom and self-assertion in
defiance of all dictates of reason."  As decrepitude
takes its toll on our bodies -- and minds -- often
pride is the only thing we have left.

Waiting for a crisis is excruciating for folks who
think of themselves as caregivers when it comes to
organizing care for people who have less and less
capacity to take care of themselves or their personal
surroundings.

Probably the wisest thing to do is ask a whole lot of
questions.  Using the example of children of an elderly
parent, first the concerned children need to ask
themselves what are their own interests.  Do they want
to assuage guilt?  Do they fear that harm will come to
their parent?  Are they concerned that a crisis will
interrupt the normal course of their own lives?

Questions also need to be asked of the parent: What
most concerns you about your situation -- health,
comfortable surroundings, companionship, your capacity
to hold your head up and say, "Daughter please! I can
do it myself!"  One can also ask, "What do you think
are the standards that determine one's capacity to live
an independent life?"

This questioning approach brings the parties into
fuller participation in the decision-making process. 
When I ask you a question it means I am taking you
seriously; the reverse is equally true.  In
negotiation, this technique is called Active Listening.

The crucial element is listening closely to all the
elements of the responses to those questions, both the
questions one asks oneself and the questions asked of
other people.  It is no less important to respond to
what people say by checking to make sure you've
understood their points; you may want to say, "This is
what I understood you to have said; is my understanding
correct?"  You also want to indicate, "The fact that I
understand what you have said does not necessarily mean
I agree with you."

Clinging on to the visual indicators of independence is
a critical vital sign.  The fear of loving relatives
that something bad can happen has to be balanced
against the knowledge that if you kick someone in their
self-esteem, you are attacking a most vulnerable part
of their anatomy.  You cannot negotiate away a person's
self-esteem, but you can destroy it through frontal and
flanking attacks.

The frustration faced by folks who see loved ones
failing to take proper care of themselves is
phenomenal.  Very often the people who have advocated
professional care ultimately must mutter (hopefully to
themselves) the unsatisfying statement, "I told you
so."

In your question you indicate that crisis forces
choice.  Perhaps the best approach is to prepare a
safety net that is ready when the crisis occurs.  It
cannot prevent a crisis from happening; and it is
crucial to make sure that a crisis is not worsened by
forcing the 'victim' of it to lose face. But having
that safety net ready can at least reduce the force of
the fall.

Relationship is one of the seven most significant
issues to consider in negotiation.  Focusing on the
relationship with an elderly parent or friend, not
letting decrepitude get in the way of love and caring
can make it much easier when someone's self-esteem is
attacked by a crisis.  Looking at oneself and saying,
"It's not my fault," is not a way of avoiding blame,
but rather giving a loved one the freedom to make their
own mistakes -- just as they did the first time they
gave us the keys to the car.

TNSC  NEWS

The Negotiation Skills Company's website,
www.negotiationskills.com, is now getting more than 1.5
million 'hits' a year - that means an average of more
than 5000 visits every day.  There have been newspaper
and magazine articles about us across North America -
and we're now featured in translation in a web magazine
in Poland.

Last Word

"Don't look back.  Somebody may be gaining on you."
baseball star Satchel Paige

Take care,
Steve

*	The Negotiation Skills Company	                *
*	"Fighting Fires Without Burning Bridges"	*
*	Phone: +1 978 927 6775 Fax: +1 978 921 4447	*
*	http://www.negotiationskills.com	        *