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  |Thomas F Sawyer/USLGN/USLUM/ABB                                         |
  |01/29/2002 03:06 PM (Phone: +1 713 821-4100, Dept.: PIPING DESIGN)      |
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To:   Raquel Nunes-Thomas/USLGN/USLUM/ABB
cc:
Subject:  FW: Engineers

Security Level:?         Internal



Comprehending Engineers: Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit anyway."


Comprehending Engineers: Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full, to the pessimist, the glass is
half-empty, to the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Comprehending Engineers: Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.  The engineer fumed,  "What's with these
guys?  We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with
him."

"Hi George.  Say, what's with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow,
aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.  The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea, and I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


Comprehending Engineers: Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar
machines.  They had tried every thing and everyone else to get the machine
to work but to no avail.  In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.  The engineer
reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine.   At the end of the day, he marked
a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
"This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.  The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.  The engineer responded
briefly:

        One chalk mark-----------------$1.00
        Knowing where to put it---$49,999.00

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


Comprehending Engineers: Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons.  Civil Engineers build targets.


Comprehending Engineers: Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.  One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.  Just
look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Comprehending Engineers: Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet."


Comprehending Engineers: Take Eight

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.  The architect said he
enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring
relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the
office and get some work done"


Comprehending Engineers: Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and, returned it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out,  "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his
pocket.  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog...that's cool!"






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