-----Original Message-----
From: Cannizaro, Brandi Z SITI-ITPSCA [mailto:bcannizaro@Shell.Com]
Sent: Monday, January 21, 2002 7:41 AM
To: Brad Jacobs (E-mail); Bryan Bonura (E-mail); Jay Thompson (E-mail);
Jennifer Hessels (E-mail); John W Unger Jr. (E-mail); Thompson,
Michelle; Patricia Moncada (E-mail); Ross Cannizaro (E-mail); Husser,
Shanna; Hessels, Troy V Alliance
Subject: FW: New Orleans


This one made me kind of home sick ... but, was a good laugh :))

> > If you come to New Orleans, you better say it right.  It's
pronounced
"New
> > Orlenz". No one from here says "New Orleens" unless they are writing
a
> song
> > or  they want their ass kicked.
> >
> > It's hot. It's humid. It rains. Those are the only 3 weather
patterns we
> have
> > here.
> >
> > 3 out of 4 people who live in New Orleans have a drinking problem. 3
out
> of 7
> > have a gambling problem.
> >
> > No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some
> > restaurants.
> >
> > The shopping sucks, unless you are buying: beer, hookers or
antiques.
> >
> > The mall is not close to anywhere, and if you get there, they don't
have
> what
> > you came to purchase.
> >
> > The amount of cash you spend on gasoline and cigarettes in a month
exceeds
> > your rent/house note.
> >
> > Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time.
Every
> > street intersects with each other. No two streets run parallel to
each
> other.
> >
> > The West Bank is actually East of the city. It would take too long
to
> > explain.
> >
> > The roads in New Orleans have potholes that are large enough to hide
an
> > aircraft carrier. No one is trying to correct this problem.
> >
> > 1 out of 3 street names are impossible to pronounce unless you were
born
> in
> > New Orleans, or you are a cajun.
> >
> > If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one seems worried
about
> this
> > problem either.
> >
> > There are 365 days in the year. There are 414 parties/festivals in
New
> > Orleans. (That's just in a slow month).
> >
> > Then how come no one ever leaves?
> > #######################################################
> > Louisiana Driving Rules:
> >
> > 1-A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people
> can
> > cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
> waiting
> > for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the
> orange
> > construction barrels.
> >
> > 2-Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Louisiana
driver
> never
> > uses them. Use of them in New Orleans may be illegal.
> >
> > 3-Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you
and
> the
> > car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else
> putting
> > you in an even more dangerous situation.
> >
> > 4-Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going
> > with the flow".
> >
> > 5-The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you
> have
> > of getting hit.
> >
> > 6-Never get in the way of an older car than needs extensive
bodywork.
> >
> > #######################################################
> > SOUTHERN ADVICE
> >
> > If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or
moving
to
> the
> > South, there are a few things you should know that will help you
adapt
to
> the
> > difference in lifestyles:
> >
> > If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel
> drive
> > pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to
help
> them;
> > just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
> >
> > Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't
> > buy food at this store.
> >
> > Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all
y'all's"
is
> > plural possessive.
> >
> > Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, 'er ya?
> >
> > The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's
> > vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most
> Northerners
> > begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in
> denial
> > about it.
> >
> > Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.
> >
> > If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you
should
> stay
> > out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.
> >
> > If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest
> > accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
> store.
> > It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
> > to go there.
> >
> > Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own
shotguns,
they
> > are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.
> >
> > The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater
samiches.
> >
> > The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.
> >
> > The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.
> >
> > The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on
Nails.
> >
> > The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.
> >
> > The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Jesse Helms.
> >
> > The North has an ambulance .. The South has an amalance.
> >
> > The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.
> >
> > The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.
> >
> > The North has lobsters .. The South has crawdads.
> >
> > AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think
> we
> > will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens
in
the
> > oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.
> >
> > HAVE A GOOD DAY! Send this to four people that ain't related to ya,
and
I
> > reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know
it!