>> > Subject: 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
>> >
>> > We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
>> > back in our
>> > cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we >> 
> try to convince ourselves who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I
give you the...........
>> >
>> > 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.
>> >
>> > Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure >> > 
pleasure.
>> >
>> > ESCAPEE
>> > Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>> > forcing
>> > poop in a stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of >> > 
panic/embarrassment.  This is similar to the hot flash you receive
>> > when passing
>> > an unseen police car and speeding.  If you release an escapee, do not >> 
> acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen.  If you are standing next
>> > to the
>> > farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it.  No one likes
>> > an
>> > escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved.  Making a joke or
>> > laughing makes
>> > both parties feel uneasy.
>> >
>> > JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
>> > Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine >> > 
guns pace.
>> > This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
>> > should happen
>> > do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom
>> > so to
>> > spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>> >
>> > COURTESY FLUSH
>> > Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
>> > of the poop
>> > log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed >> > 
location.
>> > This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
>> > bathroom.  This
>> > can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>> >
>> > WALK OF SHAME
>> > Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
>> > have just
>> > stunk-up the bathroom.  This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
>> > someone walks
>> > in.  As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not >> 
> exist.
>> >
>> > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
>> > Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
>> > You will
>> > often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
>> > newspaper or
>> > magazine under their arm.  Always look around the office for the Out
>> > of the
>> > Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
>> >
>> > THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
>> > Definition:  A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
>> > emergency pooping
>> > goes off without incident.  This group can help you to monitor the
>> > whereabouts
>> > of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>> >
>> > SAFE HAVEN
>> > Definition:   A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
>> > you can
>> > least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the >> > 
opposite sex.
>> > This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex  entering the >> > 
bathroom.
>> >
>> > TURD BURGLAR
>> > Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
>> > and tries to
>> > force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
>> > moments
>> > that occur when work taking a dump at work.  If this occurs, remain in
>> > the stall
>> > until the TURD BURG leaves.  This way you will avoid all
>> > uncomfortable eye contact.
>> >
>> > CAMO-COUGH
>> > Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
>> > bathroom that
>> > you are in a stall.  This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
>> > alert
>> > potential TURD BURGLARS.  Very effective when used in conjunction with
>> > an
>> > ASTAIRE.
>> >
>> > ASTAIRE
>> > Definition:  A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
>> > BURGLARS that
>> > you are occupying a stall.  This will remove all doubt that the stall
>> > is
>> > occupied.  If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so
>> > the pooper
>> > can poop in peace.
>> >
>> > WATERMELON
>> > Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet >> 
> water.
>> > This is also an embarrassing incident.  If you feel a WATERMELON
>> > coming on,
>> > create a diversion.  See CAMO-COUGH.
>> >
>> > HAVANA OMELET
>> > Definition:  A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
>> > in the
>> > toilet water.  Often accompanied by an escapee.  Try using a
>> > CAMO-COUGH with an
>> > ASTAIRE.
>> >
>> > UNCLE TED
>> > Definition:  A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
>> > Could spend
>> > extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
>> > An UNCLE
>> > TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
>> > always wait
>> > to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.  This  benefits you as
>> > well as the
>> > other bathroom attendees.
>> >
>> > FLY BY
>> > Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.  Walk
>> > in, check
>> > for other poopers.  If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
>> > come back
>> > again.  Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.  People may become
>> > suspicious
>> > if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>> >
>> > CRACK WHORE
>> > Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.
>> > Tell tale
>> > signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks.
>> > Avoid a
>> > CRACK WHORES at all cost.  Try finding out when the janitor cleans
>> > each
>> > particular bathroom.  Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE >> > 
HAVEN.