-----Original Message-----
From: Jason.Cain@reliant.com [mailto:Jason.Cain@reliant.com]
Sent: Friday, November 16, 2001 10:46 AM
To: Brian_Cain@fws.gov; jlcain%medicine@tamu.edu; madc66@yahoo.com;
Mark_Clifton@Dell.com; Hendon, Brian; jpolasek@etgi.cc;
mike_reddell@hotmail.com; fredz@orillion.com
Subject: The History of Aggie Civilization - THIS IS GOOD!!


THE HISTORY OF AGGIE CIVILIZATION

The history of the aggie people is as confusing and complex as any culture
that exists on earth. Yet, unlike many peoples that have adapted and
evolved in response to external and internal influences over the centuries,
the aggies have largely remained true to their roots. And they're proud of
it. As a result of passing on their beliefs and practices over the years,
their behavior over time has been remarkably consistent. It is this
consistency that makes them an exciting and fascinating group to study.

Who are the aggies? The relationship between the aggies and morons, idiots,
and okies are often misunderstood. Contrary to widespread belief, the
aggies are considered, and consider themselves, a separate people from the
morons, idiots, and okies. Historically, the true stupidity of aggies has
largely dominated over, and outnumbered all three other groups combined.
The misconception that the four groups are related probably stems from the
fact that morons and idiots have imitated many rituals and behaviors
practiced by the aggies. However, aggies are a distinct group. [Although
recent evidence (Solomon, Shyster, et. al?1995) suggests that at one time,
probably early in the century, aggies and okies lived together and
interbred in parts of Southern Oklahoma and Texas, hence, Arkansas was
populated by their offspring.

What largely separates aggies from the others groups is their social
interaction. Unlike okies, idiots, and morons, aggies are highly social
creatures that tend to validate each other's views and beliefs. This can
lead to what scholars call a "groupthink delusion." It is believed that
these delusions are the glue that have bound aggies everywhere together
over the years.

The history of the aggie school of thought actually begins in ancient
Greece, with the early philospher Slocumedes, who was the first to
recognize that the absence of everything is equivalent to nothing. He had a
large number of stupid followers and much of his works is still passed on
from parent to child today. Stupicles, from Pheces, taught that all things
could be crushed by a large enough piece of wood. His students, known as
woodpeckers, practiced pet embalming, hand gestures, organized grunting and
mastered many techniques in consuming solid food through their nasal
cavities. Stupicles was also a prolific writer. Unfortunately, his twelve
volumes of philosophical works, which he wrote entirely in the sand on an
Egyptian beach, was lost during a high Mediterranean tide.

With the rise of the Roman Empire, many aggies sought the stability and
steady work afforded by slavery. The aggies however, made poor slaves, and
many were forced into Christianity for "entertainment of monks" and so that
they could be fed to the lions. Others were driven out of the Roman Empire
into Northern Europe where they settled many colonies. The void left by the
fall of the Roman Empire provided the aggies an opportunity to flourish
unhindered in Europe, hence Poland and France were populated.

The aggies didn't fare so well during the industrial revolution since the
philosophical and scientific frameworks of Descartes and Newton didn't give
much leeway to superstition and planned ignorance. More and more aggies
found themselves falling into the ranks of the working masses. Aggies
caused many early industrial accidents as they tried to fit into this
rapidly changing society, and evidence of their engineering prowess
remains, such as the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Their ways and practices were
not appreciated in the new European culture; however, and increasingly many
aggies sought refuge across the ocean in America. That is those who didn't
wind up sinking their ships in the North Atlantic.

Part of the problem in identifying an aggie is that they look and act much
like anyone else until they do or say something decidedly stupid. Most
aggies don't think of themselves as morons, but rather as intelligent
individuals. This makes it very difficult to reason with an aggie. Stupid
acts can take many forms and vary in degree, but when an aggie commits one
it is unmistakable. The majority of the times a aggie turns out to be
nothing more than an inconvenience and source of humor to the innocent
bystander. These incidents are played out on city streets, supermarkets and
country Dairy Queens daily. However, there are times when these acts can
get out of hand and be devastating. It is always wise to be on alert and
prepared, and stay away from large stacks of logs, maroon-clad men wielding
binoculars, or people with shaved heads with swords.

At times you may find yourself in close proximity to an aggie in the midst
of a stupid spell. It is good advice not to approach them during an
incident unless accompanied by a trained professional. If you find that you
have no choice, then speak slowly and use small, soothing words. Never try
to outwit an aggie since they will only interpret that as a hostile and
aggressive act. Always let the aggie think they are superior. And under no
circumstances let your face or hands, pets or livestock near aggies mouth.

Keep in mind at all times, that although an aggie may seem intelligent and
civilized, they are not. It is an adaptive disguise developed over the
centuries.

Beware, be safe, and be orange!

Hook'em!