text: Taigan couldn't say when she decided to go back for the girl. For two days she walked west, back to Dhai, feeling nothing but the churning of her insides and the throbbing intensity of a blinding white migraine that forced her to bed down in the dirt, in the dark, for six hours until it passed. When she emerged from the duff and bracken, she squatted to urinate, and pissing was painful and bloody. She decided it was time to change her pronouns again. The gods had a grim sense of humor, because though she could knit her flesh and bones and organs back together at will, she had never learned to cure something as simple as a cold or urinary infection. "They are not of your body," the old woman who trained her once said, "they are in your body. Interlopers. You must wait for them to pass." But a skilled tirajista could cure pox and blight and every sexually passed disease from Dhai to Saiduan, so why couldn't she?
  
  She knew there were holes in the old woman's knowledge. A people couldn't pass two thousand year old training skills down without losing a great deal. As Oma rose, perhaps she would come into the knowledge on her own, the way she had learned her body denied death, the way she learned it also denied a fixed physical sex more than most. Some days she wished the change would halt halfway through, and give her some aspect of both sexes in both mind and body so she could feel more confident in calling herself ataisa. Most days, though, she was just Taigan - all sexes and none.
  
  Her beard had thinned many months before, and what remained was soft and downy, but did not recede any further. Her breasts were almost noticeable now, so she bound them. It was a relief they never got bigger. She could still pass for male. People made assumptions, in Saiduan, when they saw a lone figure on the road dressed as she was. Assumptions made her life easier.
  
  Some days she envied the omajistas who could open gates. At least they knew what they were. Or would know, once she found them. But the gifts Oma bestowed upon her often felt like curses. What use was there for a person whose body and mind shifted with the seasons?
  
  Taigan spent her second night within the welcoming arms of a bonsa hybrid, a gnarly, twisted thing that grew like a bear's claw from the side of a rocky mount. She woke sometime during the night to voices, and watched a small family camp in the ravine below. They lit a fire. She saw their faces in the warm glow. Two mothers, perhaps an aunt, a father or two or maybe an uncle, and four young children. Taigan often found it difficult to sort out Dhai family relations. Things become complicated very quickly.
  
  They were exiles, or perhaps Woodland Dhai come to carve out an existence in the less toxic mountains. Despite having less virulent plant life, living this close to Dorinah had its own dangers, for Dhai. Taigan imagined this family would fetch a fine price in the slave markets there. In Saiduan, the two women alone would net a very fine purse. Taigan began putting prices on them, and imagined the sort of things she would buy. But after a time, that no longer amused her, and she found herself caught up in their light banter and storytelling. One of the mothers brought out a stringed instrument from a battered case. She sang in a low, clear voice. The others joined her.
  
  Taigan wondered if their lives would be any different here, during the coming darkness. Perhaps they could escape it, this plucky little family with the bright eyes and soft mouths. Taigan had often thought about running away to some icy tundra and waiting out the next twenty years of madness. But going too far down that line of thinking caused the ward on her back to burn. It incited the headaches. She was a bound thing, tied by Maralah's string, the same way these people would be if she sold them off into someone's household.
  
  After the singing, the family banked the fire and bedded down. Taigan listened to two or more of the adults making love in the tall grass near the camp. She heard soft laughter, and the low sounds of desire and need and release. How strange to be Dhai, she thought. How strange to have a family that eats and sings and laughs and makes love as if it were nothing.
  
  Their desire incited hers, and she moved her hand between her thighs. But the fullness of her bladder and the promise of the pain she would experience on emptying it dampened her spirits. Instead, she folded her hands across her belly, and closed her eyes.
  
  Taigan found herself running through the details of the last great campaign the Saiduan fought against the Dhai. It was a battle every Saiduan military member learned, from line soldier to war minister. It was the last great battle of the long war. Two forces met outside the great city of Aaraduan, then known as Roasandara.
  
  The Saiduan bear cavalry had been outside Roasandara since dawn, just northwest of the city, waiting for the Dhai. They numbered ten thousand. Forty thousand Dhai – a mix of infantry and tirajista companies - came down and met them on open tundra. They fought for less than an hour before the Saiduan cavalry gave ground, withdrawing to positions closer to the city. Two more divisions of Saiduan infantry – including a command of tirajistas – were coming up from the south, and within hearing of the fighting. Two Dhai generals, their names blotted from history, rode toward the battle at the head of their units. Seeing the small Saiduan infantry, they attacked their right flank.
  
  Taigan had not shared this battle with the scullery girl. It was one she wanted to put before her, to see how she'd solve it. Before Maralah sent the letter. Before she learned the scullery girl could not fly. Perhaps it didn't matter anymore. They were fighting Dhai again. A fitter, smarter Dhai. They would not act like their ancestors, so in truth it shouldn't matter now how some old conflict was resolved.
  
  Taigan's bladder was heavy again. She slid down the tree and squatted off to the side. She grit her teeth and bore down. It felt like pissing blood. She knew from past experience it would be two or three days more before the pain eased and the infection cleared. Until then, blood and fire.
  
  As she pulled up her trousers, she heard a noise nearby. She froze. Though she wore all black, the moons were out. She would be visible. She stepped closer to the tree, to blend in with the dappled shadows. She opened herself to Oma, like reaching through a thick, sticky gauze, and recited the song that helped her tether its power just beneath her skin, ready to shape the misty red haze as she saw fit.
  
  A small figure climbed into the clearing. It was one of the children from the camp below. Taigan let out her breath. She released Oma; it was like expelling some syrupy weight.
  
  The girl stopped short. Looked right at Taigan.
  
  Taigan thought to call on Oma again, and strike her dead. But her heavy bladder and sour mood made it all feel like too much effort. She raised a finger to her lips, thinking it a universal sign for quiet, but the girl spoke anyhow. Taigan wondered how any of these Dhai survived in the world.
  
  "I saw you in that tree," the girl whispered.
  
  "You saw shadows," Taigan said.
  
  "No," she said.
  
  "Would you like to hear a story about a battle?" Taigan said.
  
  "From very long ago?"
  
  "Yes. Two forces. The Dhai and –"
  
  "Are you a ghost?"
  
  "A… ghost?"
  
  "One of the souls that got free of Sina. Come to haunt us."
  
  "No. Are you?"
  
  She laughed. "No, of course not."
  
  "You should go back to your family. There are terrors in these woods."
  
  "You're not terrible," the girl said, "you're a person."
  
  The girl's fearlessness made Taigan breathless. She tried to remember a time when she did not fear people, and they did not fear her. Her birth had been strange, and during her formative years, before she began going through the changes, her sexual organs – let along her sense of herself - never fit into the neat boxes her people had for them. Unsure of what to call her, they labeled her ataisa, but that never felt right either. She wondered, looking at this little girl with the orgiastic parents, how different her life would have been if she were raised in Dhai instead of Saiduan. Not Dhai as it used to be, not the Dhai that taught the Saiduan to hunt and kill and enslave, but the Dhai as they became. The Dhai that made this girl, and the one Taigan had pushed off a cliff.
  
  "Go home," Taigan said, and walked away.
  
  When dawn touched the sky, and Para's fiery blue essence flooded the world, Taigan was still walking. It wasn't until then that she realized she wasn't going west, back to Dhai, but east, back to where she had left the scullery girl.
  
  By the time she reached her, Lilia would have been without water for four days. It was quite possible Lilia hadn't even survived the fall. Taigan had spent a lifetime doing as others told her. The oath she broke to her Patron, the betrayal that lost her the title of sanisi, had shaken her more than she realized. Before the betrayal, before she was Maralah's instead of the Patron's, she acted on blind faith, following the call of Oma, the Lord of the Dawn, the Lord of Awakening, the Lord of Change. It was not Maralah who moved her now, nor her Patron, but her rising star, her bloody glorious god.
  
  She stopped to urinate again, braced against a tree, and hissed out a prayer to Oma to relieve her from pain, and want, and confusion, and to deliver calm and clarity.
  
  Her star was rising.
  
  It was the scullery girl's star, too.
  
  Oma help them both.