text: The next morning, Johnny stood at his stove with a pair of tongs in his hand. Half a pound of thick-cut bacon hissed and sizzled on the back burner in the massive frying pan, and the eggs he'd cracked onto the other pan in the front had almost heated enough to start scrambling.
  
  "Johnny." Luther's tail beat urgently against the end of the cabinets beneath the kitchen counter. "Johnny, is it done yet?"
  
  "No."
  
  "Smells done to me." Rex uttered a low whine, licked his muzzle, and stood to prance from side to side before he sat again. "Very done."
  
  "Yeah, you don't wanna ruin it."
  
  "We'd eat it raw, Johnny."
  
  "We'll eat it like it is right now."
  
  "Y'all need to get on out the kitchen." Johnny flipped the bacon strips one by one. Grease spat over the sides and landed on the floor. Both hounds turned their attention to the fatty splatter and licked in wide circles far beyond the treat they were cleaning up.
  
  "We got it, Johnny."
  
  "Yeah, you drop anything, spill anything, pour anything over here, don't even worry about a mop."
  
  "We're the mop."
  
  "Get on." The dwarf shooed them away, then set the tongs down to turn his attention to the cheese grater and the block of sharp white cheddar out on the cutting board.
  
  "But the bacon, Johnny." Luther whined.
  
  "Which you ain't gettin' unless you do what you're told."
  
  "Yep." Rex spun and trotted obediently through the back of the house toward the living room.
  
  Johnny shot a sidelong glance at Luther as he grated a heaping pile of cheese into the egg pan. "Don't tell me you ain't listenin'."
  
  "What?"
  
  "You want any of this kinda breakfast, boy, you'd best get on out."
  
  "But Johnny, I—"
  
  A massive bubble burst in the bacon pan and flecks of grease spat onto the side of the hound's face. "Ow!" He yelped, scrambled away from the stove, and raced through the workshop and into the living room. His claws scrabbled across the wooden floor, then stopped when he reached the thick area rug. "How can something that tastes so good hurt so much?"
  
  Rex padded toward his brother and sniffed. "Wait, come here."
  
  "I'm fine, thanks for asking."
  
  "Yeah, but you smell like—"
  
  "Stop. Hey, leave me alone, Rex. I don't know where your tongue's been."
  
  "Same places yours has been. And none of the weird ones, either."
  
  "Stop, stop, stop, stop— Hey!"
  
  Both hounds barked and spun toward the front door. "Johnny!"
  
  "Someone's coming!"
  
  "If it's that salty two-legs again, we'll eat him."
  
  "Yeah, appetizer for that bacon."
  
  They bayed madly, raced to the back of the house, and yipped at each other when they both tried to scramble through the dog door at the same time. The barking and shouted threats aimed at Agent Nelson continued around the side of the house.
  
  Johnny shook his head and picked the spatula up to start scrambling the eggs. I doubt it's Nelson rollin' up to visit us today. Not if he needs some so-called space.
  
  "Whoa, Johnny!" Rex called from the front. "Holy shit."
  
  "Lots of people coming up the drive, Johnny."
  
  "Big van. Two big vans."
  
  "And the lady's car."
  
  "What?" He tossed the spatula onto the counter and turned, then remembered his breakfast. "Whoever the hell it is, boys, hold ʼem there a minute. I ain't leavin' these eggs."
  
  "Or the bacon." Luther barked wildly.
  
  "We got it, Johnny."
  
  The dwarf turned the heat up beneath the egg pan and scrambled them furiously until they resembled what he wanted. He extinguished both burners, ripped off two sheets of paper towels, and covered the pans. Fuckin' vans comin' down my drive in the mornin' and interruptin' my meal. Shit.
  
  He wiped his hands on his jeans and strode toward the front door as the sound of multiple heavy tires on the gravel drive crunched to a halt. Johnny threw the door open and stormed across the porch. The screen door lurched open with a bang before he hurried down the stairs and gestured widely at the arrivals. "What the hell is all this?"
  
  Lisa shut the door of her car and headed toward him with a grin. "It's the film crew."
  
  "Yeah, I can see that, darlin'. What are they doin' on my property?"
  
  "It's good to see you too, Johnny. I'm having a great morning, thanks."
  
  "Look, this ain't somethin' I agreed to—"
  
  "I told you they'd be filming the whole thing." She fought a smile and turned to gesture toward the two large, white vans parked beside each other on the gravel. "So they came out here to start."
  
  "Naw, the case starts when we leave the ground in a damn plane."
  
  The sliding doors of both vans opened, and four crewmembers emerged from each vehicle, dragging out equipment and gear with them and talking excitedly about their plans.
  
  "They're harmless, Johnny." Lisa nudged him with her elbow. "Act like they aren't here unless we're sitting down for some of those Q&A shots."
  
  "I hate those."
  
  She shook her head with a tiny smile. "Stop."
  
  A man with thin, fuzzy brown hair sticking up in all directions approached them and extended a hand toward Johnny. "Phil Ploster. I'll be directing this. Nice to meet you, Mr. Walker."
  
  "Just Johnny." The dwarf sniffed and looked away from the man without shaking his hand. "I don't need all this out here at my home, man. This ain't goin' out on TV."
  
  "Oh, sure. No, we won't film the outside or anything. We can crop the shots, no problem. Listen, I want to tell you personally how excited the crew is about getting to do this with you. You know, I spent hours as a kid watching you back when you were doing this full-time."
  
  "Uh-huh." He darted Lisa a contemptuous glance as the director blathered on.
  
  "I've seen all seven seasons—multiple times, in fact. Hey, I know it's kind of weird to ask, but would you mind—"
  
  "All right. That's his house, yeah?" Another man with closely shaved hair and wearing bright-yellow shorts at a barely acceptable length on a man's legs pointed at the front porch. "We want the best lighting. Go check it out."
  
  Johnny turned after him as the crew ran toward the front porch. "What the hell? Hey!"
  
  Lisa reached for his arm but he shrugged away from her and jogged after the crew.
  
  "Hey! That's my house!"
  
  The agent smiled apologetically at Phil and shrugged. "We're good."
  
  "Great."
  
  The screen door slammed behind the last of the crewmembers hurrying inside. Johnny snarled and threw it open again. "Boys!"
  
  Rex whipped his head up from where he'd been sniffing one of the vans' tires. Luther finished lifting a leg against the other van's tire. "On it!"
  
  "We're coming, Johnny. But—hey." Rex stopped when the screen door slammed shut again and blocked their entry.
  
  "Dog door, bro." Luther raced past his brother toward the back of the house.
  
  "Oh, yeah!"
  
  Johnny fumed as seven crewmembers swarmed through his cabin, opening doors and peering into rooms and closets and cabinets. "Y'all need to—"
  
  "Okay, the living room in the back looks like our only option right now."
  
  "Devon, there aren't any windows. Look at that. It's like a cave."
  
  "Fine. Natural lighting, then?"
  
  "There isn't much of that in here, honestly."
  
  A woman with a bandana tied around her head and a perpetual scowl that rivaled Johnny's slipped past him to enter the workshop.
  
  "No!" He whirled toward her. "That room's off-limits. The whole damn house is off limits!"
  
  She moved directly to the window and pulled the curtain aside before she turned to raise an eyebrow at him. "Is this the only window you have in the front?"
  
  "We're not doin' this—"
  
  "Hey, this room looks good." Someone had opened the door to Amanda's room and peered inside. "Nice light. But we'll have to clean up a little. Did anyone know this guy has a kid?"
  
  "Well, he did."
  
  "I mean right now."
  
  Johnny growled and stalked toward the shelf in his workshop. He snatched a huge old cannon of a shotgun from behind the more regularly used weapons in his collection, completely unnoticed by the crew buzzing around in his belongings. But the loud and unmistakably decisive double-click of the shotgun's slide brought the incessant conversation to an instant stop.
  
  The woman turned away from the window and saw the weapon in the dwarf's hands and realized that his face had turned a dark shade of red beneath the brighter red beard. "Holy shit."
  
  "Everyone out!" Johnny roared.
  
  "Hey, Cody. Are we rolling?"
  
  "Uh-huh…"
  
  He swung the shotgun toward the front door and the woman nodded before she slipped past him and headed outside. As he marched out of the workshop toward the hallway, the edge of a filming camera appeared from around the corner of the doorway. He released his weapon with one hand and thumped his palm against the camera lens. Cody uttered a yelp of surprise, then backed away from his equipment when the dwarf scowled balefully at him. "You ain't filmin' now. Not in my house."
  
  The skinny man gulped and nodded. "Got it."
  
  "Now get the fuck out. All y'all."
  
  The woman with the bandanna had left the front door wide open, and the crewmembers hurried outside. The screen door creaked repeatedly as each person pushed it open again behind the next.
  
  The hounds trotted down the hallway from the back and their nails clicked loudly in the sudden silence. "Damn, Johnny. That's officially the most two-legs we've had in the house."
  
  "You throw a party and didn't tell us about it?"
  
  He turned toward them and pointed at the open door. "Out."
  
  "Aw, come on, Johnny." Luther's ears flopped against his head when he turned sharply to face the kitchen. "We haven't had any of that bacon—"
  
  "Now!"
  
  Both hounds shied away from him before they trotted obediently through the open door. "Jeez. We live here in case you forgot."
  
  "And we earned our treats. Can't say we didn't after this, Johnny."
  
  The dwarf watched his hounds pad across the front porch. Rex nudged the screen door open with his snout and Luther scurried through after him.
  
  Earned them, huh? This was a home invasion and the damn hounds didn't do shit.
  
  Johnny held the shotgun in one hand and pulled the front door shut behind him to slam it loudly. Then, he threw the screen door open and marched down the steps again to stop at the foot of the stairs. The screen door banged shut, and he lifted the shotgun to return it to both hands. "If I see any of y'all so much as look like you're tryin' to get inside, I ain't got reservations ʼbout firin' this. Understand?"
  
  The crewmembers stopped their muttered conversations and turned toward him.
  
  "Is that even loaded?" someone muttered.
  
  In answer, he spun and fired a round into the reeds of the swamp beside his house. The deafening crack echoed across his yard and a thick spray of swamp water and reeds exploded high into the air.
  
  The crew ducked, clamped their hands over their ears, and backed toward the vans.
  
  "Any other dumbass questions?" The bounty hunter sniffed and scanned their wary faces.
  
  "Okay." Phil clapped briskly and plastered a wide grin on his face. "Change of plans! We'll do the first intros out here in the yard. Mr. Walker, do you—"
  
  "Johnny." The dwarf didn't move.
  
  "Right. Johnny. Can we, uh… Can we use those Adirondack chairs for this first part?" Phil pointed to the side of the lawn that hadn't been obliterated with a shotgun and spread his hands out in front of him in a mock panorama. "'Cause I see this perfectly now that we're here. It sets a great mood for the whole thing. Swamp. Got that big old Live Oak right there in the corner. A few cattails…"
  
  Tuning out the guy's blathering, Johnny met Lisa's gaze as she walked calmly toward him. "What the hell's he talkin' ʼbout?"
  
  "Setting up for the first shoot." She pointed to the other side of the yard where Phil had now directed the crew to move Johnny's Adirondack chairs and attend to whatever he thought needed to be cleaned off the grass. "Like I said, they're with us the whole time. Beginning to end."
  
  "We don't need this shit."
  
  "But your viewers do, Johnny. And your fans." She grinned and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You want this to look real, don't you?"
  
  He growled and glared at the crewmembers buzzing around his yard.
  
  "Which means we have to do this the way you did it back in Dwarf the Bounty Hunter's prime."
  
  "I ain't stepped outta my prime, darlin'."
  
  She pressed her lips together to hide a smile and removed her hand. "I meant the show. And after seven seasons and sixty-eight episodes, I assume you still have a good idea what this first part is about."
  
  Johnny grumbled and scratched the side of his face. "Damn Q&A."
  
  "Okay, so let's go answer some questions. Oh. But first…" She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and began to glow within a haze of golden light.
  
  He stepped away from her with a scowl and scrutinized her warily. "What are you doin'?"
  
  The magical light faded and when she opened her eyes, they'd gone from a soft brown-hazel to an intensely bright green. Strawberry-blonde hair had replaced the long dark chestnut, and it was cut shorter to tumble in loose curls around her shoulders. Freckles dotted her much paler skin, and the completely wrong shape of lips parted when she grinned at him.
  
  Why the hell am I thinkin' about her lips? Cut it out, Johnny. He grimaced. "Why?"
  
  Lisa gestured toward the film crew getting ready for their first shot. "Some parts of this will be live. The rest will be all over the Internet, most likely before we set foot in Baltimore. And I'm a federal agent."
  
  "You don't gotta say that on camera."
  
  "No, but the Red Boar saw my face in that penthouse too. If he sees Agent Lisa Breyer on a reality TV show with Johnny Walker, do you think he'll ignore how suspicious that is?"
  
  Johnny grunted.
  
  "Does that answer your question?"
  
  "Naw. I meant why you gotta do yourself up as a redhead. Now we got two on this damn show. Ain't no one will watch it."
  
  She choked back a laugh. "That's what bothers you?"
  
  "All right," Phil called and gestured for them to join him. "Johnny and…"
  
  "Stephanie," Lisa called with a nod. "If you forget everything else, don't forget that's my name now."
  
  "Got it. Johnny and Stephanie. Let's get rolling!"
  
  The dwarf grunted, gave her another slow scrutiny, then stalked away toward the makeshift studio on the side of his lawn.
  
  "Hey," Lisa called after him, "do you want to put that shotgun down—"
  
  "No."