text: Johnny managed to bypass the film-crew plague the next morning when he ordered room service for breakfast and stretched out in the huge suite with a perfectly black cup of coffee. Rex had gone through the entire extra order of bacon brought up for him, and the larger hound now stared at the second plate in front of his brother. "You gonna eat that, Luther?"
  
  "I don't know." Luther lifted his head off the floor and sniffed the bacon. "I don't feel all that hungry."
  
  The newspaper Johnny had been reading—fortunately without any mention of him or the damn show—slapped down on his lap before he turned a sharp frown onto the coonhound. "What's wrong with you?"
  
  "Dunno, Johnny." Luther belched and rolled over onto his side. "Maybe I'm feeling a little bloated."
  
  "You do kinda look like it." The dwarf glanced at Rex. "What'd he do?"
  
  "Don't look at me." The larger hound lowered himself to his belly and licked the bacon grease off his plate. "It's Luther. Could be anything."
  
  "Uh-huh. And that's what I'm worried about. Are you hurtin', boy?"
  
  "Not really. Only…" Luther farted and rolled onto his back, his forepaws dangling limply beneath his chin. "Waiting."
  
  "Well, hurry up about it." Johnny drank his coffee and took a deep breath. "I have no idea when we'll be—"
  
  A sharp knock came at the door to his suite. "Johnny?"
  
  "Interrupted by the biggest pain in my ass all year." The dwarf sighed and set his coffee and newspaper down on the dining table.
  
  "Johnny, it's Phil. Come on and open up, will you? I want to go over a few things with you before we—oh. Good morning."
  
  Johnny grasped the suite door tightly and stepped in front of the open space to block the rest of his room. "What?"
  
  "What are you planning to get into today?"
  
  "I don't have any real plans, to tell ya the truth."
  
  Phil smoothed his wildly scattered hair away from his head. "Great. Then we can—"
  
  "But they don't include you."
  
  "I know, Johnny. But look. We've seen more hits on the YouTube videos and more trending hashtags than I even imagined was possible. And that's only the last few days. So we want to get a little more up close and personal today, you know? We haven't done any more Q&As since the first one at your house. Our viewers are screaming for more. We need to give it to them."
  
  "Screamin'." Johnny regarded him dubiously. "Is that right?"
  
  "Literally and virtually, yeah. So why don't you go ahead and get ready to go out? See the sights. Go shopping. Do whatever you need to do—"
  
  "I'm good."
  
  Across the hall, Lisa's door opened, and redheaded Stephanie stepped out with wide eyes. "Already, huh?"
  
  "Yeah, we wanted to get a head-start," Phil said quickly over his shoulder. "Look, this is merely us following you and your dogs around Baltimore—oh, and Stephanie. Right now, the most important thing is that we recapture that 'day in the life of Johnny Walker' effect. You know, the same thing you were doing back in the day. No bounties to go after and no traveling, merely a dwarf out on the town doing whatever he does between."
  
  Johnny sniffed and darted Lisa an exasperated glance. "This ain't a regular day in my life, Phil."
  
  "Yeah, yeah, I know that." The director stepped toward the door and leaned toward him to whisper, "But our viewers don't."
  
  "And you wanna make all those folks think I live in Baltimore?"
  
  "No, they already know you're from the south. This is for character, Johnny. It's been fifteen years. A lot happens in fifteen years, and if we want this to be a success, everyone out there watching needs to feel as if they've known you for the last fifteen years—that they can reconnect with you, right? That you haven't changed all that much."
  
  "Filmin' me walkin' around the city ain't gonna make a difference."
  
  "It's not the worst idea," Lisa said as her hotel room door shut behind her.
  
  "Aw, not you too."
  
  "Oh, come on." She smiled at Phil in a friendly way, but the man was too intently focused on pleading for Johnny to notice. "Hey, why don't we walk down to the waterfront? We don't have to have an actual plan, but I heard the view's nice. We could do the Q&A down there, maybe grab a drink, and see what happens."
  
  The bounty hunter grunted, his expression obstinate. "What happens is I stay right here."
  
  "Johnny." She peered around Phil's unruly hair and raised her eyebrows. "You never know who might be watching, right?"
  
  After a moment, he scowled and twisted to shout over his shoulder. "Come on, boys. We're goin' down for a day in the fuckin' life."
  
  "What?" Rex trotted down the hall. "Life of what?"
  
  "A dwarf that don't exist. Luther!"
  
  "I'm good, Johnny. Truly, I could lay here all day. You go ahead—"
  
  He snapped his fingers. "Get on right now. If I ain't stayin' in this hotel suite, neither are you."
  
  "Okay, okay…" Luther grunted and pushed to his feet. When he waddled down the hallway, his head swung slightly from side to side and Rex sat with a low whine.
  
  "You look awful, bro."
  
  "Thanks."
  
  "What you need is just a chance to run it off. The park's a good idea." Once the hounds were out the door, Johnny turned to head toward the elevators.
  
  Phil met Lisa's gaze and mouthed, "Thank you."
  
  "This is essentially your one shot," she whispered. "So don't blow it like last night, okay?"
  
  "Oh, I'm the bad guy here? He threw a plate at my cameraman."
  
  "Where's Howie?" Johnny called from where he stood beside the elevator.
  
  Phil scowled. "Waiting downstairs in the lobby. He said something about cookies."
  
  "Ooh, hey, Johnny. You think they have any hound cookies?"
  
  The dwarf snorted. "This ain't Portland, Rex."
  
  "Yeah, yeah, but if Luther and I happen to find some cookies laying around, you think—"
  
  "Dude…" Luther let out a heavy sigh and sat. "Don't talk about cookies. Or eating. Or moving. I can't handle it right now."
  
  "There is something wrong with you."
  
  They walked just shy of a mile and a half down to Federal Hill Park in the warm morning air. The smell of the ocean and fish mingled with scents from the restaurants open for breakfast and the thick, almost burned aroma of roasting coffee beans.
  
  More strangers stopped to stare at the bounty hunter and his entourage. Some of them waved and shouted hello while others simply pointed. One man tried to flag Johnny down to get an autograph, but Howie was there to remind the guy that they were on official Dwarf the Bounty Hunter business. Maybe another time.
  
  "Okay, Johnny. Stop right there." Phil pointed at him. "Yeah. Right there."
  
  Johnny turned with both hands shoved into the pockets of his black jeans. "On the grass?"
  
  "Oh, yeah. It's perfect. Like you're part of the city with the bay in the background and all these people. The lighting's great. And look, you fit right in. All the locals are doing it. Benson, grab those lawn chairs, huh?"
  
  One of the crew slid two nylon folding chairs out of their cases and followed Phil's instructions in setting them up. The dwarf didn't move.
  
  "You look like you're about to be sick," Lisa muttered as she joined him in front of the chairs.
  
  "Naw, I think that's Luther."
  
  The smaller hound waddled across the grass, stopped to sniff a dandelion, then lowered himself to the ground and rolled onto his side. "I'm fine, Johnny. Stop looking at me."
  
  "All right, now Johnny, Stephanie, go ahead and take your seats."
  
  Johnny looked over the rims of his black sunglasses and raised an eyebrow at Howie. The man shrugged and gestured apologetically. Yeah. I already knew this was gonna have to happen sooner or later.
  
  He and Lisa sat, and Phil's hands fluttered excitedly toward them as Cody and the boom assistant took their places around the lawn chairs. "And how about taking off those sunglasses, huh?"
  
  "No."
  
  Phil scoffed. "It doesn't do well for the shot, though. It would be much better if we can—"
  
  "At least you have the damn shot, man. Take it or leave it."
  
  The director's mouth dropped open, then he took a deep breath and nodded at Cody. "Go ahead and start the new reel."
  
  Johnny folded his arms and watched the pedestrians milling around Federal Hill Park. Half of them slowed to stare at the filming in progress. This is gonna be one hell of a short season.
  
  "Are we rolling? Great. Here we go." Phil pointed at the bounty hunter and nodded. "So now that you've been in Baltimore for a few days, Johnny, how do you feel?"
  
  "I'm ready to get back to my swamp."
  
  The director's shoulders slumped and he shook his head as he whispered, "Try to be real here, okay?"
  
  "He thinks I ain't serious about this whole thing," Johnny muttered, leaning slightly toward Lisa. "What the hell does he want from me?"
  
  She grinned and watched Phil gesticulate in what amounted to a bunch of nonsense she didn't understand. "Ratings."
  
  "Ridiculous."
  
  "What's been your favorite part of Baltimore so far, Johnny?" Phil continued.
  
  "I have a nice hotel suite," he muttered. "It's bigger than the others."
  
  "You mean bigger than the places you used to stay when you were going after bounties fifteen years ago?"
  
  Shit. "Yeah. 'Course that's what I meant."
  
  "You like big hotel rooms. Okay." One of the crewmembers sniggered, and Phil cast him a scathing glance. "What else about the city draws you in?"
  
  "Besides a job?" Johnny sniffed and scanned the park and all the pedestrians. This is ridiculous. "You know, Baltimore's got…charm. Right? It's an old city with considerable opportunity for folks who can see it for what it's got. I guess."
  
  "Great. Tell us about your run-in yesterday with a few magicals at the…in Guilford."
  
  Johnny rolled his eyes but of course, no one could see it beneath the dark sunglasses. "I don't have much to say. We were lookin' for our guy, and it turned out we had the wrong criminal. That's it."
  
  "Will you continue the search over the next few days?"
  
  Lisa leaned toward him and muttered, "Now would be the time to play up the whole 'sit back and relax' part of this."
  
  "Naw." Johnny folded his arms and stared at the camera. "I been called off the job after a few key details came into play. So I reckon I'll stick around here for a few more days, see the sights, enjoy all the…city folk."
  
  He gestured toward a large crowd walking through the streets downtown and almost ate his own words when he saw the damn pony people in bright colors among them. Does it ever end?
  
  "And you can say you've been enjoying yourself while you're here, right?" Phil asked, his eyes widening as he geared up for more questions.
  
  "Sure."
  
  "Baltimore has kicked it up a notch when it comes to the fine-dining scene. Like where you and Stephanie went out for dinner last night." Johnny's hands balled into fists in his lap. "We only got to see a little of that moment between you two. It looked like you were having fun."
  
  "Yeah, until someone showed up and ruined a perfectly good night. Are you serious with this shit, man? This ain't 'a day in the life.' It feels more like puttin' me on a witness stand."
  
  "Just roll with it, okay?" Phil whistled at the cameraman and twirled his finger before he pointed at the bounty hunter and his "assistant." Cody and the second cameraman closed in. "The next question's for you, Stephanie."
  
  Lisa crossed one leg over the other and leaned back in the chair. "Okay."
  
  "How easy is it to get on Johnny's good side?"
  
  She laughed in surprise and tossed her red curls over her shoulder. "I'm sorry, what?"
  
  "Well, you know him fairly well. Yes, you're on the show as an assistant, but I'm talking about knowing him well enough to go out to dinner last night. It looked like you two were having quite the evening. Is that something you have to work at, or does it come naturally to you?"
  
  Jesus, Phil. Lisa stared at the camera as Cody stooped and stepped toward her, zooming in. Way to pop the seriously unexpected questions.
  
  "Well…" She glanced at Rex sniffing around Cody's feet and raised her eyebrows. "That's a little personal—"
  
  "Oh, it's fine," Phil cut in, nodding vigorously. "We love personal. So do all Johnny's fans."
  
  "Okay. I guess first I should say that my interview for this show wasn't the first time Johnny and I met."
  
  "Keep going."
  
  "It was a long time ago. That first meeting." Lisa turned toward Johnny and pulled up a fake smile she tried to make look as uncomfortable as possible. He said make it look like I hate his guts. Here we go. "Johnny changed my mind about many things. Mostly about where I was headed and the kinds of choices I was making. Now, I…want to pay him back for everything he brought into my life."
  
  The dwarf snorted and looked away from her to stare at the camera.
  
  "Do you think you'll accomplish that?" Phil asked.
  
  "Oh, I certainly do." Lisa smirked at the camera and cocked her head. "Maybe sooner than he realizes." That'll pin the nail in the coffin. Stephanie Wyndom's on a quest for revenge.
  
  "Johnny, you have a rough history with personal relationships."
  
  The dwarf lowered his head to stare at Phil over the rims of his glasses. "What the hell are you goin' on about?"
  
  "I'm merely taking a dive into your past. You're still the same Johnny Walker, but now you have fifteen years of a whole different kind of experiences under your belt, namely retreating down south for voluntary retirement way before the end of your time."
  
  Johnny shook his head. "I ain't talkin' about the last fifteen years. Or what happened before them."
  
  "This is important."
  
  "No, it ain't." Johnny leaned forward and pointed at Phil. "Change it to somethin' else or we're done."
  
  The director stepped back and twirled his finger in a "keep going" gesture. "This is good stuff, Johnny. Vulnerable. Raw. Let's stay here for a while—"
  
  "You can stay. I'm checkin' out if you don't start blabbin' about somethin' else."
  
  "I'm trying to draw your essence out." Phil stepped forward again. "You have something of a budding new relationship with Stephanie here. You have two coonhounds with you now, which is new since the last time fans saw you in action. Do you ever worry about what might happen to people who get close to you?"
  
  Johnny whipped his sunglasses off. "You piece of shit."
  
  "There it is." Phil grinned. "Let's explore that."
  
  "Naw, we're done."
  
  Luther trotted past his master and sniffed wildly at the grass. "I figured it out, Johnny."
  
  Rex stared after his brother. "He's not listening to you, dummy. What are you doing?"
  
  "Fixing it."
  
  "Johnny, wait," Phil shouted and gestured for the dwarf to sit again. "We're only getting started on the juicy stuff. Tell us about your kid."
  
  Rex whined and swung his head to stare at the director. "Uh-oh."
  
  Luther hunkered in the grass beside the film crew. "You stepped in it now, two-legs."
  
  Johnny glared at Phil. "Move on."
  
  "Oh, come on. The world hears nothing from Johnny Walker for fifteen years and now he's out and about again. Dating, raising coonhounds, getting back into the swing of things as a caregiver, right? What's her name again?"
  
  Lisa glanced at Johnny and tried to hide her concern and to keep smiling for the camera. He's about to explode. "Maybe there's something else I can answer—"
  
  "Not right now, Stephanie. I want to hear what Johnny has to say about stepping into his role as the protector again. That's what happened, right?"
  
  The bounty hunter sniffed and stared directly ahead at nothing.
  
  "We saw the bedroom at your house when we started filming a few days ago. Let's talk about the girl—"
  
  Johnny lurched from his chair, grasped the back of it, and hurled it across the grass. He stormed past Cody and flipped the camera the middle finger before he strode away.
  
  "Johnny?" Lisa stood and frowned at Phil. "I guess that's the end of it."
  
  "Aw, come on. We were getting to the good parts—"
  
  "Come on, boys." Johnny whistled and Rex barreled after him across the park.
  
  "You okay, Johnny?"
  
  "We're done with this filmin' shit. It was a bad idea."
  
  "Wait, wait. Luther! Come on!"
  
  "Yeah, yeah. Give me a minute." Five yards away, the smaller hound finished squatting in the grass and turned to sniff what he'd left behind. "Oh, shit. What is that?"
  
  "You don't know?" Rex looked at Johnny, then sidetracked to check his brother's unburdened treasure. "Uh…Johnny? I don't think this is normal."
  
  The dwarf stopped in his tracks, turned, and hurried to where the hounds were investigating a particularly large pile in the grass. He frowned and bent over for a closer look. "What the hell?"
  
  "Right?" Luther looked at his master and panted, his tail wagging furiously. "But lemme tell ya, Johnny. I feel so much better!"
  
  "You don't say." He folded his arms. "And y'all got no idea what that is?"
  
  "Nope."
  
  "Absolutely none."
  
  "Is he gonna die, Johnny?"
  
  "Well, not now that he passed what I reckon is two whole Styrofoam to-go boxes."
  
  "Whoa, what?" Luther poked his head toward the pile again. "How'd you come up with that?"
  
  "Dude, you ate the boxes." Rex snorted and shook his head. "New low, Luther. Even for you."
  
  Rolling his eyes, Johnny nodded toward the street to indicate that he intended to return to their hotel.
  
  "Johnny?" Luther looked from the evidence to his master. "Johnny, are you mad?"
  
  "Not as long as we leave all the shit here at the park." That includes shitty questions and useless director morons.