I'm being molded. I'm being shaped. And along the way you've been there to see it all happen. And He isn't finished with me yet.
I was cradling my little one to sleep when a flood of memories rushed back into my heart. In my mind, I was with them again. All seven of them. I held them close and refused to let them go. And I wept. They weren't really there. They were far away from me. But I wanted them so bad. The memories would shift. The good. Then the bad. The enemy whispered his lies, and I'd suppress it. No, I'd yell. I can't go through it all again. It hurt way too much.
They are gone from me, and all I have left is this gorgeous face of big brown eyes. So I squeeze her tighter, and pray for that to be enough. They are gone, and I have to learn to be ok with that.
"NO, YOU WILL NOT WIN. NOT THIS TIME. NOT EVER. I MESSED UP. I FAILED. BUT I AM COVERED AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY."
She remained sleeping as I rocked back and forth.
So He held my heart. And He beckoned me to a place I had never been before. A much deeper place than I imagined. A place where He says, remain in me and I with you. Be silent my daughter and let's redefine your intimacy with me.
I still have a lot of hurt that needs to be brought to light. A lot my enemy has been successful to keep in darkness so that I might be hindered.
So as He redefines my intimacy with Him, I say thank you to the hearts that have extended to mine. And although this isn't goodbye, I'll be seeing you with a freshness that smells of Grace.
Wow wow wow Jhen. What a beautiful, transparent, emotional post. Love that you share your wrestling and God's comforting voice. I know that wrestle all to well (different story of course). Yes, lots and lots and lots of grace up on you. I pray it always washes over you and refreshes your spirit and turns away those voices of lies. The enemy loves to creep in and devour doesn't he. But, we are COVERED! THank you Jesus we are covered and the eneby can't touch us! Yes, we have all made mistakes but, Jesus is more than enough and those things aren't counted against us. Your slate is clean and so is mine!! What a beautiful thing. THank you for being real! Always love, love your posts!
I looooove you and the way you write!! I really needed this post today. My hubby was gone this week and I was struggling with my daily time with God and I came back today. And now reading this...so amazing. I love that you use your blog only to Glorify Him and I pray I do the same!
As you continue to allow our Almighty God to heal your wounds (as we all do) I pray you (we) continue to find peace, comfort, strength and wisdom in the moments we draw near to Him.
thank you for writing from the depths of your humanity and soul. i know that GOD is at work in you. I can feel His spirit moving as I read each and every line. As tears flood my eyes for reasons I can't seem to decipher from within me.
Christ is enough and His death was more than enough to cover us. Yet the enemy wishes to see us deceived and believing that the BLOOD running from the cross and flooding over us is not enough. Praise God for HIS voice and gentle spirit that leads us back to Him.
There's no way I can ever know what you really went through but you keep reminding that enemy that you're an over-comer! You will make a difference in this world! I'm so grateful for a Father like we have. And keep cuddling that little girl!