Grief. Sometimes loss is just a bit overwhelming. Sometimes I wish I could just experience what they call the "ugly cry" but I don't think I'm able to. Too unseemly. I have too much of my father in me I guess. But I still grieve. I am grieving for lost youth. I wasn't ready for middle age. I wasn't ready for old people problems. I wasn't ready for cancer. I haven't finished being young yet. I wish that I hadn't squandered my youth with childishness. But now that is gone.