Charles Dickens The Trial of William Tinkling Written by Himself at the Age of 8 Years 
 
 
 FOREWORD Pg 1 
 The story contained herein was written by Charles Dickens in 1867. It is 
 the first of four stories entitled "Holiday Romance" and was published 
 originally in a children's magazine in America. It purports to be 
 written by a child aged eight. It was republished in England in "All the 
 Year Round" in 1868. For this and four other Christmas pieces Dickens 
 received £1,000. 
   
 "Holiday Romance" was published in book form by Messrs Chapman & Hall in 
 1874, with "Edwin Drood" and other stories. 
   
 For this reprint the text of the story as it appeared in "All the Year 
 Round" has been followed. 
 
 
 
 THE TRIAL OF WILLIAM TINKLING Pg 2 
   
 This beginning-part is not made out of anybody's head, you know. It's 
 real. You must believe this beginning-part more than what comes after, 
 else you won't understand how what comes after came to be written. You 
 must believe it all, but you must believe this most, please. I am the 
 Editor of it. Bob Redforth (he's my cousin, and shaking the table on 
 purpose) wanted to be the Editor of it, but I said he shouldn't because 
 he couldn't. _He_ has no idea of being an editor. 
   
   
   
 Nettie Ashford is my Bride. We were married in the right-hand closet in 
 the corner of the dancing-school where first we met, with a ring (a 
 green one) from Wilkingwater's toy-shop. _I_ owed for it out of my 
 pocket-money. When the rapturous ceremony was over, we all four went up 
 the lane and let off a cannon (brought loaded in Bob Redforth's 
 waistcoat-pocket) to announce our nuptials. It flew right up when it 
 went off, and turned over. Next day, Lieutenant-Colonel Robin Redforth 
 was united, with similar ceremonies, to Alice Rainbird. This time the 
 cannon bust with a most terrific explosion, and made a puppy bark. 
   
 My peerless Bride was, at the period of which we now treat, in captivity 
 at Miss Grimmer's. Drowvey and Grimmer is the partnership, and opinion 
 is divided which is the greatest Beast. The lovely bride of the Colonel 
 was also immured in the Dungeons of the same establishment. A vow was 
 entered into between the Colonel and myself that we would cut them out 
 on the following Wednesday, when walking two and two. 
   
 Under the desperate circumstances of the case, the active brain of the 
 Colonel, combining with his lawless pursuit (he is a Pirate), suggested 
 an attack with fireworks. This however, from motives of humanity, was 
 abandoned as too expensive. 
   
 Lightly armed with a paper-knife buttoned up under his jacket, and 
 waving the dreaded black flag at the end of a cane, the Colonel took 
 command of me at 2 P.M. on the eventful and appointed day. 
 
 
 
 THE TRIAL OF WILLIAM TINKLING Pg 3 
   
 He had drawn 
 out the plan of attack on a piece of paper which was rolled up round a 
 hoop-stick. He showed it to me. My position and my full-length portrait 
 (but my real ears don't stick out horizontal) was behind a 
 corner-lamp-post, with written orders to remain there till I should see 
 Miss Drowvey fall. The Drowvey who was to fall was the one in 
 spectacles, not the one with the large lavender bonnet. At that signal I 
 was to rush forth, seize my Bride, and fight my way to the lane. There, 
 a junction would be effected between myself and the Colonel; and putting 
 our Brides behind us, between ourselves and the palings, we were to 
 conquer or die. 
   
   
   
 [Illustration: Waving his black flag, the Colonel attacked.] 
   
 The enemy appeared--approached. Waving his black flag, the Colonel 
 attacked. Confusion ensued. Anxiously I awaited my signal, but my signal 
 came not. So far from falling, the hated Drowvey in spectacles appeared 
 to me to have muffled the Colonel's head in his outlawed banner, and to 
 be pitching into him with a parasol. The one in the lavender bonnet 
 also performed prodigies of valour with her fists on his back. Seeing 
 that all was for the moment lost, I fought my desperate way hand to hand 
 to the lane. Through taking the back road, I was so fortunate as to meet 
 nobody, and arrived there uninterrupted. 
   
   
   
 It seemed an age, ere the Colonel joined me. He had been to the 
 jobbing-tailor's to be sewn up in several places, and attributed our 
 defeat to the refusal of the detested Drowvey to fall. Finding her so 
 obstinate he had said to her in a loud voice, "Die, recreant!" but had 
 found her no more open to reason on that point than the other. 
   
 My blooming Bride appeared, accompanied by the Colonel's Bride, at the 
 Dancing-School next day. What? Was her face averted from me? Hah! Even 
 With a look of scorn she put into my hand a bit of paper, and took 
 
 another partner. On the paper was pencilled, "Heavens! Can I write the 
 word! Is my husband a Cow?" 
   
 [Illustration: "SEWN UP IN SEVERAL PLACES."] 
   
 In the first bewilderment of my heated brain I tried to think what 
 slanderer could have traced my family to the ignoble animal mentioned 
 above. Vain were my endeavours. At the end of that dance I whispered 
 the Colonel to come into the cloak-room, and I showed him the note. 
   
   
   
 "There is a syllable wanting," said he, with a gloomy brow. 
   
 "Hah! What syllable?" was my inquiry. 
   
 "She asks, Can she write the word? And no; you see she couldn't," said 
 the Colonel, pointing out the passage. 
   
 "And the word was?" said I. 
 
 
 
 THE TRIAL OF WILLIAM TINKLING Pg 4 
   
 "Cow--cow--coward," hissed the Pirate-Colonel in my ear, and gave me 
 back the note. 
   
 Feeling that I must for ever tread the earth a branded boy--person I 
 mean--or that I must clear up my honour, I demanded to be tried by a 
 Court-Martial. The Colonel admitted my right to be tried. Some 
 difficulty was found in composing the court, on account of the Emperor 
 of France's aunt refusing to let him come out. He was to be the 
 President. 'Ere yet we had appointed a substitute, he made his escape 
 over the back wall, and stood among us, a free monarch. 
   
 [Illustration: The court was held on the grass by the pond.] 
   
 The court was held on the grass by the pond. I recognised in a certain 
 Admiral among my judges my deadliest foe. A cocoa-nut had given rise to 
 language that I could not brook. But confiding in my innocence, and also 
 in the knowledge that the President of the United States (who sat next 
 him) owed me a knife, I braced myself for the ordeal. 
   
 [Illustration: "TWO EXECUTIONERS WITH PINAFORES REVERSED."] 
   
 It was a solemn spectacle, that court. Two executioners with pinafores 
 reversed, led me in. Under the shade of an umbrella, I perceived my 
 Bride, supported by the Bride of the Pirate-Colonel. The President 
 (having reproved a little female ensign for tittering, on a matter of 
 Life or Death) called upon me to plead, "Coward or no Coward, Guilty or 
 not Guilty?" I pleaded in a firm tone, "No Coward and Not Guilty." (The 
 little female ensign being again reproved by the President for 
 misconduct, mutinied, left the court, and threw stones.) 
   
 My implacable enemy, the Admiral, conducted the case against me. The 
 Colonel's Bride was called to prove that I had remained behind the 
 corner-lamp-post during the engagement. I might have been spared the 
 anguish of my own Bride's being also made a witness to the same point, 
 but the Admiral knew where to wound me. Be still my soul, no matter. The 
 Colonel was then brought forward with his evidence. 
   
 It was for this point that I had saved myself up, as the turning-point 
 of my case. Shaking myself free of my guards--who had no business to 
 hold me, the stupids! unless I was found guilty--I asked the Colonel 
 what he considered the first duty of a soldier? 'Ere he could reply, the 
 President of the United States rose and informed the court that my foe 
 the Admiral had suggested "Bravery," and that prompting a witness wasn't 
 fair. The President of the Court immediately ordered the Admiral's mouth 
 to be filled with leaves, and tied up with string. I had the 
 satisfaction of seeing the sentence carried into effect, before the 
 proceedings went further. 
   
 I then took a paper from my trousers-pocket, and asked: "What do you 
 consider, Colonel Redforth, the first duty of a soldier? Is it 
 obedience?" 
   
 "It is," said the Colonel. 
   
 "Is that paper--please to look at it--in your hand?" 
   
 "It is," said the Colonel. 
 
 
 
 THE TRIAL OF WILLIAM TINKLING Pg 5 
   
 "Is it a military sketch?" 
   
 "It is," said the Colonel. 
   
 "Of an engagement?" 
   
 "Quite so," said the Colonel. 
   
 "Of the late engagement?" 
   
 "Of the late engagement." 
   
 "Please to describe it, and then hand it to the President of the Court." 
   
 From that triumphant moment my sufferings and my dangers were at an 
 end. The court rose up and jumped, on discovering that I had strictly 
 obeyed orders. My foe, the Admiral, who though muzzled was malignant 
 yet, contrived to suggest that I was dishonoured by having quitted the 
 field. But the Colonel himself had done as much, and gave his opinion, 
 upon his word and honour as a Pirate, that when all was lost the field 
 might be quitted without disgrace. I was going to be found "No Coward 
 and Not Guilty," and my blooming Bride was going to be publicly restored 
 to my arms in a procession, when an unlooked-for event disturbed the 
 general rejoicing. This was no other than the Emperor of France's aunt 
 catching hold of his hair. The proceedings abruptly terminated, and the 
 court tumultuously dissolved. 
 It was when the shades of the next evening but one were beginning to 
 fall, 'ere yet the silver beams of Luna touched the earth, that four 
 forms might have been descried slowly advancing towards the weeping 
 willow on the borders of the pond, the now deserted scene of the day 
 before yesterday's agonies and triumphs. On a nearer approach, and by 
 a practised eye, these might have been identified as the forms of the 
 Pirate-Colonel with his Bride, and of the day before yesterday's gallant 
 prisoner with _his_ Bride. 
   
 On the beauteous faces of the Nymphs, dejection sat enthroned. All four 
 reclined under the willow for some minutes without speaking, till at 
 length the bride of the Colonel poutingly observed, "It's of no use 
 pretending any more, and we had better give it up." 
   
 "Hah!" exclaimed the Pirate. "Pretending?" 
   
 "Don't go on like that; you worry me," returned his Bride. 
   
 The lovely Bride of Tinkling echoed the incredible declaration. The two 
 warriors exchanged stoney glances. 
   
 "If," said the Bride of the Pirate-Colonel, "grown-up people WON'T do 
 what they ought to do, and WILL put us out, what comes of our 
 pretending?" 
 
 
 
 THE TRIAL OF WILLIAM TINKLING Pg 6 
   
 "We only get into scrapes," said the Bride of Tinkling. 
   
 "You know very well," pursued the Colonel's Bride, "that Miss Drowvey 
 wouldn't fall. You complained of it yourself. And you know how 
 disgracefully the court-martial ended. As to our marriage; would my 
 people acknowledge it at home?" 
   
 "Or would my people acknowledge ours?" said the Bride of Tinkling. 
   
 Again the two warriors exchanged stoney glances. 
   
 "If you knocked at the door and claimed me, after you were told to go 
 away," said the Colonel's Bride, "you would only have your hair pulled, 
 or your ears, or your nose." 
   
 "If you persisted in ringing at the bell and claiming Me," said the 
 Bride of Tinkling to that gentleman, "you would have things dropped on 
 your head from the window over the handle, or you would be played upon 
 by the garden-engine." 
   
 "And at your own homes," resumed the Bride of the Colonel, "it would be 
 just as bad. You would be sent to bed, or something equally undignified. 
 Again: how would you support us?" 
   
 The Pirate-Colonel replied, in a courageous voice, "By rapine!" But his 
 Bride retorted, suppose the grown-up people wouldn't be rapined? Then, 
 said the Colonel, they should pay the penalty in Blood. But suppose they 
 should object, retorted his bride, and wouldn't pay the penalty in Blood 
 or anything else? 
   
 A mournful silence ensued. 
   
 "Then do you no longer love me, Alice?" asked the Colonel. 
   
 "Redforth! I am ever thine," returned his Bride. 
   
 "Then do you no longer love me, Nettie?" asked the present writer. 
   
 "Tinkling! I am ever thine," returned my Bride. 
   
 We all four embraced. Let me not be misunderstood by the giddy. The 
 Colonel embraced his own Bride, and I embraced mine. But two times two 
 make four. 
   
 "Nettie and I," said Alice, mournfully, "have been considering our 
 position. The grown-up people are too strong for us. They make us 
 ridiculous. Besides, they have changed the times. William Tinkling's 
 baby-brother was christened yesterday. What took place? Was any king 
 present? Answer, William." 
   
 I said No, unless disguised as great-uncle Chopper. 
   
 "Any queen?" 
   
 There had been no queen that I knew of at our house. There might have 
 been one in the kitchen; but I didn't think so, or the servants would 
 have mentioned it. 
 
 
 
 THE TRIAL OF WILLIAM TINKLING Pg 7 
   
 "Any fairies?" 
   
 None that were visible. 
   
 "We had an idea among us, I think," said Alice, with a melancholy smile, 
 "we four, that Miss Grimmer would prove to be the wicked fairy, and 
 would come in at the christening with her crutch-stick, and give the 
 child a bad gift? Was there anything of that sort? Answer, William." 
 I said that Ma had said afterwards (and so she had), that great-uncle 
 Chopper's gift was a shabby one; but she hadn't said a bad one. She had 
 called it shabby, electrotyped, second-hand, and below his income. 
   
 "It must be the grown-up people who have changed all this," said Alice. 
 "_We_ couldn't have changed it, if we had been so inclined, and we never 
 should have been. Or perhaps Miss Grimmer _is_ a wicked fairy, after 
 all, and won't act up to it, because the grown-up people have 
 persuaded her not to. Either way, they would make us ridiculous if we 
 told them what we expected." 
   
 "Tyrants!" muttered the Pirate-Colonel. 
   
 "Nay, my Redforth," said Alice, "say not so. Call not names, my 
 Redforth, or they will apply to Pa." 
   
 "Let 'em," said the Colonel. "I don't care. Who's he?" 
   
 Tinkling here undertook the perilous task of remonstrating with his 
 lawless friend, who consented to withdraw the moody expressions above 
 quoted. 
   
 "What remains for us to do?" Alice went on in her mild wise way. "We 
 must educate, we must pretend in a new manner, we must wait." 
   
 The Colonel clenched his teeth--four out in front, and a piece off 
 another, and he had been twice dragged to the door of a dentist-despot, 
 but had escaped from his guards. "How educate? How pretend in a new 
 manner? How wait?" 
   
 "Educate the grown-up people," replied Alice. "We part to-night. Yes, 
 Redforth,"--for the Colonel tucked up his cuffs,--"part to-night! Let us 
 in these next Holidays, now going to begin, throw our thoughts into 
 something educational for the grown-up people, hinting to them how 
 things ought to be. Let us veil our meaning under a mask of romance;[A] 
 you, I, and Nettie. William Tinkling being the plainest and quickest 
 writer, shall copy out. Is it agreed?" 
   
 The Colonel answered, sulkily, "I don't mind." He then asked, "How about 
 pretending?" 
   
 "We will pretend," said Alice, "that we are children; not that we are 
 those grown-up people who won't help us out as they ought, and who 
 understand us so badly." 
 
 
 
 THE TRIAL OF WILLIAM TINKLING Pg 8 
   
 The Colonel, still much dissatisfied, growled, "How about waiting?" 
   
 "We will wait," answered little Alice, taking Nettie's hand in hers, and 
 looking up to the sky, "we will wait--ever constant and true--till the 
 times have got so changed as that everything helps us out, and nothing 
 makes us ridiculous, and the fairies have come back. We will wait--ever 
 constant and true--till we are eighty, ninety, or one hundred. And then 
 the fairies will send _us_ children, and we will help them out, poor 
 pretty little creatures, if they pretend ever so much." 
   
   
   
 "So we will, dear," said Nettie Ashford, taking her round the waist with 
 both arms and kissing her. "And now if my Husband will go and buy some 
 cherries for us, I have got some money." 
   
 In the friendliest manner I invited the Colonel to go with me; but he so 
 far forgot himself as to acknowledge the invitation by kicking out 
 behind, and then lying down on his stomach on the grass, pulling it up 
 and chewing it. When I came back, however, Alice had nearly brought him 
 out of his vexation, and was soothing him by telling him how soon we 
 should all be ninety. 
   
 As we sat under the willow-tree and ate the cherries (fair, for Alice 
 shared them out), we played at being ninety. Nettie complained that she 
 had a bone in her old back and it made her hobble, and Alice sang a song 
 in an old woman's way, but it was very pretty, and we were all merry. At 
 least I don't know about merry exactly, but all comfortable. 
   
 There was a most tremendous lot of cherries and Alice always had with 
 her some neat little bag or box or case, to hold things. In it, that 
 night, was a tiny wine-glass. So Alice and Nettie said they would make 
 some cherry-wine to drink our love at parting. 
 Each of us had a glassful, and it was delicious, and each of us drank 
 the toast, "Our love at parting." The Colonel drank his wine last, and 
 it got into my head directly that it got into his directly. Anyhow 
 his eyes rolled immediately after he had turned the glass upside down, 
 and he took me on one side and proposed in a hoarse whisper that we 
 should "Cut 'em out still." 
   
 "How did he mean?" I asked my lawless friend. 
   
 "Cut our Brides out," said the Colonel, "and then cut our way, without 
 going down a single turning, Bang to the Spanish Main!" 
   
 We might have tried it, though I didn't think it would answer; only we 
 looked round and saw that there was nothing but moonlight under the 
 willow-tree, and that our pretty, pretty wives were gone. We burst out 
 crying. The Colonel gave in second, and came to first; but he gave in 
 strong. 
 
 
 
 THE TRIAL OF WILLIAM TINKLING Pg 9 
   
 We were ashamed of our red eyes, and hung about for half an hour to 
 whiten them. Likewise a piece of chalk round the rims, I doing the 
 Colonel's, and he mine, but afterwards found in the bedroom 
 looking-glass not natural, besides inflammation. Our conversation turned 
 on being ninety. The Colonel told me he had a pair of boots that wanted 
 soleing and heeling but he thought it hardly worth while to mention it 
 to his father, as he himself should so soon be ninety, when he thought 
 shoes would be more convenient. The Colonel also told me with his hand 
 upon his hip that he felt himself already getting on in life, and 
 turning rheumatic. And I told him the same. And when they said at our 
 house at supper (they are always bothering about something) that I 
 stooped, I felt so glad! 
   
 This is the end of the beginning-part that you were to believe most. 
 
 
 
 Footnote Pg 10 
   
 [Footnote A: The titles of the romances by which Alice Rainbird, Nettie 
 Ashford and the Pirate-Colonel sought to veil their meanings will be 
 found on page 31.] 
 
 
 
 Transcriber's Note Pg 11 
   
 [Transcriber's Note: The page this footnote refers to doesn't exist in 
 this book. The footnote itself could not be found in other editions. 
   
 Inconsistent use of initial capitals in Court-Martial/court-martial 
 and Dancing-School/dancing-school has been retained.] 
 
 
 Publication Date: January 23rd 2015 https://www.bookrix.com/-mk496e398f1e345