Anonymous The Foolish Almanak 
 
 
 Greeting 
 Time was, is, and will be. Almanacks 
 have come and Almanacks 
 have gone. But Time has survived. 
 Only the Foolish Almanack 
 has been equal to the pleasant 
 Task of Killing it. 
   
 We offer the Book as our Defense. 
   
   
 THE PUBLISHERS. 
   
   
   
   
 HELPFUL HINT FOR JANUARY: 
   
   
 Do not give way to vain regrets because you did not keep the 
 good resolves you made a year ago. It might be worse. You 
 might have kept the resolutions and have had no incentive 
 for leading a better life this year. 
 
 
 
 ECLIPSES FOR THE COMING YEAR 
 If there are as many Eclipses as during 1905-6, it will be a 
 hard year on grafters and bosses. The editor is optimistic, 
 however, believing that the sanitary revolution which swept 
 the country has about blown over. Public confidence and 
 laxity have been restored in a large measure and the time is 
 now about ripe for us to get it in the neck again. 
   
 [Sidenote: _DRESS HINT_: The first costume on record was a 
 hand-me-down from the fig tree. 
   
   
 _AN ICE AGE_: Now is the time to cut ice. "Doc." Osler won't 
 like it if you wait until after you are 40.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     Do not swear off anything. Wait 'till tax time. 
   
 TUESDAY     (1781) Baron Munchausen published his memoirs. 
   
            (1901) Andrew Carnegie started writing his 
                    autobiography. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   Erroneously spelled Thursday. It should be 
            spelled T-h-i-r-s-t-d-a-y (consult any of the 
            reformed who have been clinging to the water 
            wagon since Tuesday.) 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY   (1906) There was no genius born in Indiana this 
                    day. 
   
 JANUARY 
   
 Reciprocity is the mother of contention. 
   
 
 
 
 UP IN MAINE 
 A thirsty, young sport, up in Me. 
 Pretended to suffer great Pe. 
    But when he'd imbibed 
    What the druggist prescribed, 
 He said he felt better Age. 
   
 Note: We demanded a diagram for the above and the author 
 reluctantly provided it. He thinks that any one should know 
 that _Me._ is the abbreviation for Maine and that to make 
 the 2d and last lines rhyme you will readily read _Pe._ as 
 abbreviation for _pain_ and _Age._ as abbreviation for 
 _again_. We feel much better now and we hope you do, dear 
 reader.--_The Editor._ 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Those who are always having the 
 hives should go into the bee business.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Household Advice_: To keep the kitchen fire hot, 
 keep it coaled.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     Adam and Eve began housekeeping, and having 
            neither prying neighbors nor troublesome 
            servants they named their bungalow "Paradise." 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   A four-flush only wins political pots. 
                            --Poker Proverbs. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     Rosa Bonheur born. Rosa painted animals 
            and all of her competitors at the art 
            shows said her work was "beastly." 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JANUARY 
   
 There are as good fish in the sea as there are in the fish 
 carts. 
   
 
 
 
 FORECAST FOR JANUARY 
 From January 1st until the 7th, and possibly in some cases 
 until the 9th or 10th, it will be very DRY. This drouth will 
 be followed by a long wet spell. The Zodiacal sharp who runs 
 things during January is Aquarius, which being translated 
 means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of 
 Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its 
 time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the 
 15th to the 20th it will do it. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the 
 last week in January, but by February 1st you will have 
 become accustomed and resigned to your old habits. 
   
   
 January will also be marked by "white goods sales," and (if 
 it's windy in the shopping district) skirt sails. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Gardening Hint_: You cannot raise bread fruit 
 from cauliflour.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: If your blood is bad blame it on 
 your ancestors.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1905) It was decided to build a sea-level-lock 
                    canal in Panama. 
   
            (2001) It was decided to build a lock-sea-level 
                    canal instead. 
   
 TUESDAY     (3000 A.D.) At a quiet meeting, Daughters of 
                    the Revolution elected their officers 
                    unanimously. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   Wear Blinders! To gaze at anything 
            with the naked eye is immodest. 
                             --Anthony Comstock. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JANUARY 
   
 Open confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for 
 the reputation.  
 
 
 
 SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD 
 Why a pretty ankle makes a "rubber-neck." 
   
 Why a Kentucky "Colonel" is a "good Judge." 
   
 Why chorus girls and lobsters always go together. 
   
 Why a Grass-widow objects to a raking over. 
   
 Why real pains from little champagnes grow. 
   
 Why there is no "Midway" on the straight and narrow path. 
   
 How a man can be "half-seas-over" on land.  
 
 
 
 TALE OF A TANK 
 High-ball 
 Sad fall. 
   
 Big head 
 'Nuff said. 
   
 [Sidenote: Muck-rakes will not be popular with trusts or 
 officialdom, but much sought after by literateurs. 
   
 ] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1906) Great excitement in County Cork. Handy 
                    Skinegie bit off a piece of the Blarney 
                    stone before delivering his address on 
                    "How I hate to be rich." 
   
 TUESDAY     (1925) Atlas seeks to retire from supporting 
                    the world. American-Journal-Examiner 
                    put at his service. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1906) T. Roosevelt began publishing a series 
                    of short stories in the Congressional 
                    Record. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JANUARY 
   
 A punch in the bowl is worth two in the face. 
   
 
 
 
 FOR THE HOME COMING 
 Before meeting his wife and family at the station a wise man 
 will put his house in order for the home coming. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 A pleasant way of doing this is to give a house-cleaning 
 party. Divide your party into the Sweepers, the Dusters, the 
 Scrubbers, and the Dish Washers, giving each group proper 
 utensils and offering a prize for the best results. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Let the party begin at midnight, after a pleasant dinner, 
 and at about 2 in the morning the police will probably come 
 in and finish cleaning the place up. 
   
   
 [Sidenote: _Dairy Hint_: Most dairymen find a separator 
 useful, but it is not absolutely necessary. To separate milk 
 most effectively, keep away from the pump.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     Wm. Tell born. Some persons do not believe 
            the Wm. Tell story. What Tell do they believe? 
   
 TUESDAY     Publicity brings its own reward. 
                            --Winston Churchill et al. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     Robinson Crusoe born. Crusoe was the first 
            victim to get a long term on the Island. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JANUARY 
   
 A man's a man for a' that--there is in it.  
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR FEBRUARY 
 It wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree 
 that he was made President. And very few men get into office 
 simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise 
 you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics? 
   
 
 
 
 TO FIND OUT IF MONEY IS TAINTED 
 If silver or gold, bite it. 
 If bills, wash with soap and water. 
 If a cheque, call up the bank. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Society Hint_: A little gossip goes a long way.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _How to Be Happy_: Quit living.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1874) Siamese twins Chang and Eng die. 
   
            (1906) Buttin twins, Lawson and Roosevelt, 
                    perfectly healthy. 
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1781) "Battle of Cowpens." British defeated 
                    by Morgan. 
   
            (1906) Second "Battle of Cowpens." Packers 
                    defeated by O'Neil and Reynolds. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     About this time expect some weather. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 FEBRUARY 
   
 There's many a damn 
 'Twixt the door and the jamb. 
   
 
 
 
 HOW TO SKATE 
 February is perhaps as good a month as any other to learn to 
 skate. 
   
 The simplest, and most approved method, is as follows: 
   
 One high-ball, another high-ball, 1 more high-ball, simply a 
 high-ball, just one more high-ball, ditto, the same, and 
 lastly, a highball. (Note--After the glass is full say, "Not 
 another drop.") 
   
 You will be surprised at the ease with which you can skate. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 "Spreading the Eagle" is a very pretty and artistic skating 
 figure. It is done by trying to get from one side of the 
 street to the other all in the same night. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 "Looping the lamp-post" is also quite an achievement in 
 skating. It doesn't make any difference which of the two 
 lamp-posts you loop--take your choice. It is difficult to 
 give directions how to do this. The feat has to be seen to 
 be learned. There is a simpler way of doing it, however, and 
 that is--stand perfectly still while the lamp-post passes 
 around you. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Two persons skating together for mutual assistance are known 
 as "a pair of skates." 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 An expert skater can skate just as well in July as in 
 February. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Nocturne_: 
   
 Bright 
 Light 
 Night. 
   
 Miss 
 Kiss 
 Bliss. 
   
 Pa 
 Bar 
 Scar. 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     Cherry trees and hatchets have been supplanted 
            by "big sticks" as decorations at the White 
            House. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   "Cut it out"--_Surgeon's Motto_. 
   
 THURSDAY  George Washington born. Neighbors took in 
            their cherry trees. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 FEBRUARY 
   
 When Duty calls, send her around to the back door. 
   
 
 
 
 HOW TO COMPOSE A SHORT STORY 
 "Ambitious" asks the compiler of this Almanack to tell her 
 the easiest way to compose a short story. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 This depends somewhat on the short story, but a few general 
 observations may be of interest. Some short stories are more 
 excited than others. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Lead the short story to a quiet place and soothe it by 
 praise delivered in a gentle, monotonous, but authoritative 
 tone of voice. Be careful not to criticize, as that will 
 make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows 
 signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with 
 one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite 
 composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly 
 than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be 
 necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an 
 opiate. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: All that blisters is not good for 
 a cold.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Lucky Advice_: It is unlucky to fall down 13 
 flights of stairs.] 
 SUNDAY     (1906) A bright day. W. J. Bryan congratulates 
                    the Sun. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     "It isn't so much her eating the apple as that 
           she thought she was getting something for 
            nothing. I foresee much trouble from this 
            tendency."     --Adam's Journal. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (2300 B.C.) Confusion invented by Confucius. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 FEBRUARY 
   
 A woman's college is a dangerous thing. 
   
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR MARCH 
 Now is a good time to think about having your last summer's 
 suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season. 
 You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and 
 think about this to your heart's content. This probably will 
 warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your 
 coal bill. 
   
 
 
 
 HOW TO HANDLE A MUCK-RAKE 
 The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep 
 it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the 
 celebrated Norse Berserker. 
   
 Select your muck and rake it diligently until you find a 
 large, fat check; then leave that pile and begin on another. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 WEATHER HINT--It's a nil wind that doesn't blow. 
   
 [Sidenote: _A Bad Sign_: "All Drinks Spot Cash." 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     About now young boys forget skating and begin 
            to think about marbles. "Old Boys" are still 
            skating and they are not particular whether 
            the pastime is associated with marble or 
            mahogany. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   PRESS-AGENT--One who presages or foretells. 
            See LYRE. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY   (1868) Barnum's Museum in New York destroyed 
                    by fire. Parkhurst, Carrie Nation, 
                    Dowie, and Anthony Comstock saved. 
   
 MARCH 
   
 It is said that nothing is impossible; but there are lots of 
 people doing nothing every day. 
   
 
 
 
 ODD FACTS 
 Eve did not use face powder. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Methuselah developed peculiarities as he grew old. It is 
 said that he never paid a telephone or gas bill. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Samson had his whims. He never went into vaudeville. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Noah never cared to take the children to see the animals at 
 the circus. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Goliath was another who thought he had one good fight left 
 in him. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Christopher Columbus did not go on the lecture platform to 
 tell of his travels. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Napoleon always played solitaire before going into a battle; 
 he couldn't run the deck out, and it made him so angry he 
 just had to lick somebody. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Euclid invented geometry rather than design dress patterns 
 for his wife. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Socrates was henpecked, and was one of the greatest 
 philosophers in the world--but the rule does not hold good 
 any longer. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Weather Sign_: A spoony pair under an umbrella 
 is a sign of a rain beau.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _To Cure a Morning Headache_: Be a little more 
 abstemious the night before.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1875) First train ran through the Hoosac 
                    Tunnel. Hobson too young to be present. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1793) Washington D. C. named in honor of 
                    Washington deceased. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     It was in this month that S. N. Akes left 
            Ireland. Located in Bellevue Hospital, N. Y. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 MARCH 
   
 When you see a man pushing a baby carriage, it is a sign 
 that he has trouble before him. 
   
 
 
 
 SPRING, GENTLE SPRING 
 One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal 
 sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled 
 the following: 
   
 "Gentle Spring has come at last, 
 So keep your furnace fires full blast!" 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring 
 poet. But why Spring should appeal to humanity as a season 
 of romance, no one who gives this problem serious thought 
 can imagine. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 It was in the Spring that poor old Adam first had to work, 
 and from that time on we have had that tired feeling in the 
 Spring. (See footnote.) 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 It was also in the Spring that Eve wearied of her fig-leaf 
 toque. She stuck a couple lyre bird tails in one side, three 
 lotos buds in the other, and that settled it. Ever since man 
 has had to hustle in the Spring to get his wife a new hat. 
 (See footnote.) 
   
        *       *       *       *      * 
   
 It was in the Spring that Cain moved. That became a habit 
 with humanity and knocked more romance out of Spring. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 FOOTNOTE--Also Summer, Autumn, and Winter. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Cheese Hint_: Keep Limburger cheese closely 
 confined under glass until it ceases to struggle.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _To Cure Homesickness_: Think how you would have 
 to be mowing the lawn or tending the furnace if you were 
 there.] 
 SUNDAY     A stuffed stork is the best stork. 
                            --Mrs. Grundy. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   Do not pay any bills to-day. Your creditors 
            may die during the night. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     If there is ice on the ground do not try to 
            go barefoot. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 MARCH 
   
 The text which bids a man love his neighbor as himself makes 
 no mention of said neighbor's wife. 
   
 
 
 
 GEOGRAPHICAL NOTES 
 The principal river of Egypt is the Nile. Its smaller 
 tributaries are the juveniles. 
   
 The capital of Ireland seems destined to have the largest 
 population of any city in the world. It's D'ublin, every 
 year. 
   
 The United States are best for married people. 
   
 Americans are noted for being fond of jokes. Their country 
 was originally named for A-merry-cus. (Vespucchi.) 
   
 When the flood subsided it is probable that Noah and his 
 family landed in the vicinity of Little Rock, for we are 
 given to understand that he came forth from the Ark-an'-saw 
 land. 
   
 Those who say that constancy is not a feminine quality 
 should note how long Mrs. Sippi and Miss Souri have been 
 running together without separating. 
   
 
 
 
 THE MEAN THING! 
 Some mean old maid, without a doubt, 
    Who'd never tasted bliss, 
 Was first to start that lie about 
    The microbes in a kiss. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Wedding Hint_: The minister ties the knot; time 
 and lawyers may prove it to be a slipknot.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: To cure a sluggish disposition, 
 run up against a real prize fighter. 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (3544 B.C.) Public library opened at Athens. 
                    No string. 
   
 TUESDAY     (1725) Order of the Bath reorganized by 
                    George I.--Water, soap, towel. 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (5381 B.C.) Birth of Ananias, first special 
                    newspaper correspondent. 
   
 THURSDAY   (1670) Bees brought from England to Boston. 
                    Many politicians stung. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY   About this time there will be some more weather. 
   
 MARCH 
   
 One touch of liver makes the whole world ill. 
   
 
 
 
 "A TAKE OFF" 
 Cling to your winter flannels 
    Till well along toward June, 
 For many a one is taken off 
    By taking them off too soon. 
   
   
 ADVERTISEMENTS 
   
 _Academics, Colleges, Conservatories, Reform Schools, Etc._ 
   
 BE A STREET PAVER 
   
 _THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS_ 
 _are made yearly in the Paving_ 
 _Department of your home city_ 
   
 _ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF IT??_ 
   
 We make you an experienced street paver 
 by mail without interrupting present occupation. 
   
 Lesson VI--"How to Graft under a Reform 
 Administration," alone worth entire cost of course. 
   
 Begin now and be ready for your next City Election. 
   
 UNITED STATES CORRESPONDENCE 
 COLLEGE OF MUNICIPAL 
 OPPORTUNITIES 
   
 _P. O. Box 232323_   _Chelsea, Mass._ 
   
 [Sidenote: _Antiquity of Ready-to-Wear Clothing_: Eve's 
 dress was the first truly "out-of-sight" costume, 
 "fig"-uratively speaking.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Poultry Note_: Roosters are rather hard to 
 manage, but hens lay wherever they are put.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     Was it not about April 1st that the Laird of 
            Skibo declared he would give away real money 
            instead of libraries? 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   Noah born. Noah first taught the race how wise 
            a thing it is to lay up something for a rainy 
            day. He laid up an ark. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (64) Roman citizens conspire to fire Nero. 
   
 SATURDAY   (64) Nero fires Rome. 
   
 APRIL 
   
 Umbrellas cover a multitude of thieves. 
   
 
 
 
 HINTS TO AMATEUR GARDENERS 
 In the spring look after your potatoes carefully. Have their 
 eyes examined by a good oculist, and provide spectacles for 
 such as need them. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Never string your beans till they are old enough to 
 understand it. If you begin too early, they are apt to lose 
 their temper. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Don't attempt to graft your pie-plants. Many have tried 
 grafting a custard to a mince, in the hope that the brandy 
 in the latter would assimilate with the custard and make a 
 Tom and Jerry, but it never works. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Before planting your punkins, carefully remove the punk. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 If you have any difficulty harvesting the fruit of your 
 boot-tree, use a boot-jack. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Owing to the well-known fact that the mongoose is the deadly 
 foe of snakes, it is thought that the best way to 
 exterminate them from your garden is to cultivate the 
 mon-gooseberry. Try it. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The mint-julep does not belong to the tulip family, although 
 the latter has a strong affinity for it. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: Instead of buying expensive 
 fertilizer for the garden, use some of last year's "popular" 
 magazines.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _April_: derived from the Latin A p e r i o, 
 meaning _I open_, hence Eye-opener, or Easter opening.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     Andrew Carnegie was stung by the kissing 
            bug in Atlanta, Ga. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   Great commotion in the monkey cage at Central 
            Park. Brander Matthews and Handy Skinegie 
            overheard talking Esperanto. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY   All is not so that's said. 
                            --White House Maxim. 
   
 APRIL 
   
 When you see a girl in a very _chic_ gown you may be sure 
 her father had to shell out. 
   
 
 
 
 AN APRIL PASTEL 
 There is no better spring month in which to move than April. 
 Look among your papers and if you don't find a rent receipt 
 for March you will know that it's your move. Plant an elm 
 tree on Arbor day--it may grow up to be the tree under which 
 Gen. Washington stopped to rest when he was pursuing the 
 British--who knows! The farmer will do well to apply 
 fertilizer to his land this month. There is no better 
 fertilizer on the market than Limburger cheese. It costs 
 considerable, but a little of it will inoculate a large 
 area. 
   
 
 
 
 EXTRACT FROM AN OFFICE-BOY'S DAIRY 
 8 a.m. Hired. 
 11 a.m. Tired. 
 12 m.   Fired. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Spring Hints_: 
 A little spring in a bed is good. 
 A little spring near the house is better. 
 A little spring in a poem is the limit.] 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY      The indictment is mightier than the charity 
            contribution.   --Trust Proverbs. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1716) Public bank founded in Massachusetts. 
                    Geological deposits refused. 
   
 THURSDAY   (1856) Condensed milk first made in Connecticut. 
                    Price of milk-weed goes up. 
   
 FRIDAY     (1659) Cromwell resigned his protectorate. 
   
            (1905) Taft got off the "lid." 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 APRIL 
   
 Most things are good when they're new. Men and violins don't 
 get good till they're old. 
   
 
 
 
 GARDEN AND FARMING HINTS 
 Black-eyed Susan, Sweet William, and Johnny-Jump-Up will not 
 grow in a garden built for two. Either William or John must 
 be weeded out. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies' 
 Slippers. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's 
 Buttons; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snapdragon after picking. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next 
 generation. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't 
 loosen. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of 
 Widow's Weeds; men of an older growth prefer to watch the 
 Tender Buds bloom. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Rainy Day Advice_: To pick out your umbrella 
 from among a number of better ones: take the best one--it's 
 yours. 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     Harvard University founded--the oldest 
            institution of foot-ball and accidental learning 
            in America. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   (1895) Elbert Hubbard had his hair cut. 
                Wise Elbert Hubbard 
                Went to his cupboard 
              To get the poor world a thought, 
                But when he got there 
                The cupboard was bare 
              And so the poor world got naught. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 APRIL 
   
 If you can fool half the people all the time, that's good 
 enough; don't be a hog. 
   
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR APRIL 
 Have you ever thought how much money you waste in paying 
 rent? Now that you are about to sign a new lease, it is time 
 to ponder this subject. Say you pay $50 a month rent. That 
 is $600 a year. Think! If you should pay rent for two 
 thousand years you would waste as much money as Pierpont 
 Muchgain makes on a little deal in railroads of a dull 
 afternoon. 
   
 
 
 
 KEEPING LENT 
 Jones borrowed my umbrella. 
 I now know what he meant 
 When he said it was his custom 
 To religiously keep lent. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For that tired feeling take a good 
 doze of sleep.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _To Make the World Brighter_: Use hope and 
 soap.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     It's not the loss of life makes death bitter, 
            it's the obituaries.   --D. Ceest. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     (1901-'02-'03-'04-'05-'06, etc.) A large 
                    large section of the coal miners of 
                    Pennsylvania struck because the operators 
                    used non-union-made tooth powder. 
   
            
   
            (1906) Kentucky went prohibition by a tremendous 
                    minority. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 APRIL 
   
 The wind may be tempered to the shorn lamb, but the wolf 
 gets equal benefit, just the same. 
   
 
 
 
 FORECAST FOR MAY 
 From the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take 
 place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be 
 served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home 
 during spring house-cleaning--this is why home is so 
 generally avoided during that period. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening 
 reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 From the latter date to the end of the month people will 
 discard their woolens for pneumonia. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a 
 stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an 
 open month on storks. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Gardening Note_: If you sow wild oats you are 
 likely to reap a crop of "tares."] 
   
 [Sidenote: _To Break a Will_--See a lawyer.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _To Break a Bill_--See a doctor.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _To Break a Till_--See a burglar.] 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1906) Congress decided, after a long and heated 
                    discussion, that only filtered water 
                    should be used in the Panama Canal. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1906) Ruth St. Denis, bare of waist and limbs, 
                    wins approval of Boston society by 
                    outdoing Little Egypt. 
   
 THURSDAY   (1906, next day) Pure-minded society people of 
                    Boston refuse to admit Maxim Gorky and 
                    his near-wife. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY   "You can fool all of the people some of the time 
            and some of the people all of the time." 
                      --From the Diary of &ru Carnage. 
   
 MAY 
   
 Many of Cupid's matches are scratched in the divorce 
 court. 
   
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR MAY 
 The careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan 
 for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be 
 to tell her husband that she will make it do another season. 
 Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no 
 umbrella. Further instruction is unnecessary. 
   
 
 
 
 TIMELY HINTS 
 A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good 
 calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on 
 a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May 
 20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to 
 set hens on door-knobs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a 
 great joke on the hens. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Street Car Hint_: If a person walks on your 
 right foot kick a person with your left.] 
   
 [Sidenote: LEGERDEMAIN _Note_: To make a five-dollar note 
 look like 30 cents, blow it.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (33 B.C.) Antony establishes a divorce colony 
                    in Egypt. 
   
 TUESDAY   (1906) U.S. Senators played a farce entitled 
                    "Who's a Liar," by Pitchrake Tillman, 
                    to crowded houses. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (996) Clocks, giving good time, invented by 
                    Gebert, Benedictine monk. 
   
            (Same year) Benedictine, giving good time, 
            invented by same monks. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 MAY 
   
 Where ignorance is bliss it is blister to be wise. 
   
 
 
 
 HOW TO GET RICH 
 Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. 
 If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day 
 of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter, 
 until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself 
 rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus:-- 
   
 ----------------------+--------- 
          DEPOSIT     | DAYS OF 
                      | MONTH 
 ----------------------+--------- 
                   .01 |   1 
                  .02 |   2 
                  .04 |   3 
                  .08 |   4 
                  .16 |   5 
                  .32 |   6 
                  .64 |   7 
                  1.28 |   8 
                  2.56 |   9 
                 5.12 |   10 
                10.24 |   11 
                20.48 |   12 
                40.96 |   13 
                81.92 |   14 
                163.84 |   15 
                327.68 |   16 
                655.36 |   17 
              1,310.72 |   18 
              2.621.44 |   19 
              5,242.88 |   20 
            10,485.76 |   21 
            20,971.52 |   22 
            41,943.04 |   23 
            83,886.08 |   24 
            167,772.16 |   25 
            335,544.32 |   26 
            671,088.64 |  27 
          1,342,177.28 |   28 
          2,684,354.56 |   29 
          5,368,709.12 |   30 
        -------------- | 
 Total, $10,737,418.23 | 
   
 The reason more people do not succeed in this Get-Rich-Quick 
 scheme is that they become discouraged when they get about 
 75 cents in bank and give it up. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Society Hint_: Even if you can't get into "Who's 
 who in America," you can get into the Telephone Book, and it 
 costs lots more.] 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1867) Russia thought she was selling United 
                  States a gold brick in Alaska. 
   
            (1894) Gold brick proved 24 carat; Russia 
                  heartbroken. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY (1796) Napoleon weds Josephine, hoping his 
                  troubles will be little ones. 
   
            (1809) Napoleon divorces Josephine. Great trouble 
                  being his troubles were not little ones. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1887) Congress passed the anti-polygamy bill. 
                  Great anxiety at Newport. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 MAY 
   
 Beauty may be only skin deep, but the average observer does 
 not see below the skin. 
   
 
 
 
 MATERIA MEDICA 
 When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria. 
   
 When Willie grew older he sought Governoria. 
   
 When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria. 
   
 Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria. 
   
   
 SCHOOLS       ADVERTISEMENTS     ACADEMIES 
 COLLEGES                        STUDIOS 
   
   
 CAN YOU DRAW THIS? 
 IF SO, YOU CAN DRAW ANYTHING 
   
 _MICHAEL ANGELO and C. D. GIBSON_ 
 _make large sums of money drawing pictures_ 
   
 WHY NOT YOU? 
   
 _We teach Drawing by mail and will make_ 
 _you a Great Artist in six easy lessons_ 
   
 ADDRESS 
   
 Imperial Correspondence Institute 
 of the Fine Arts 
   
 O. Box 232323   CHELSEA, MASS. 
 
   
 [Sidenote: _A Feat in Contortion_: To make both ends meet 
 on $8 per week.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Farm Hint_: Make the sled runners of slippery 
 elm.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY    (1305) Dante's "Inferno" first noted description 
                  of hell. 
   
            (1906) Upton Sinclair's "Jungle" a close second. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY (1540) Gomera planned Panama Canal. 
   
            (1640) The Dutch took it up--then laid it down. 
   
 THURSDAY   (1879) DeLesseps tries it, but gets snarled up 
                  in the Muck Rake. 
   
            (1906) Work progressing as rapidly as hot air 
                  will allow. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 MAY 
   
 There's many a slip 'twixt the stock and the tip.  
 
 
 
 FORECAST FOR JUNE 
 From the 1st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers. 
 From the 11th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces, 
 followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June 
 30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st 
 the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and 
 enters the constellation of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for 
 June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be 
 cut out. 
   
 
 
 
 SIDELIGHTS ON SCIENCE 
 If all the oceans should evaporate they would leave a 
 deposit of 235 feet of salt. This, it is estimated, would 
 salt enough pretzels to supply the world for several years. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a 
 hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial 
 channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a 
 good many per cent. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the 
 dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are 
 sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you 
 will see a spark. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay 
 200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens 
 are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as 
 hens? 
   
 [Sidenote: _Hotel Hint_: No first class inn will permit 
 guests to indulge in such undignified gymnastics as running 
 through the corridors, or jumping board bills.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Seasonable Advice_: Look out for the open work 
 lawn hose and accompanying shower baths.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     (1906) Czar gives three minutes of his time 
                    in a talk to put the Douma down and out. 
   
                    Douma gives all its time to blow Czar up 
                    and out. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   May 7--Cannon's boom set off by speech from 
            Uncle Joe--Presidential Bee taking terrible 
            risk at Cannon's mouth. 
   
 FRIDAY     If two wrongs do not make a right--how many 
            franchises make a wrong? 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
   
 JUNE 
   
 The man who is down is looking for the other fellow who 
 kicked out some rungs from the ladder of success. 
 
 
 
 LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY 
 _The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole._ 
   
 This little creature belongs to the "Knowitall" class and 
 has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His 
 distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where 
 most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a 
 storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he 
 warbles "Ki-yi, blame it on me." 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 _How to Make Credit Grow._ 
   
 Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the 
 size of the credit depends entirely upon the general 
 appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong 
 enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have 
 no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant. 
 Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to 
 use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to 
 enable its owner to live without money. 
   
   
 [Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: It is no longer good form to 
 serenade young ladies. If you wish to win their favor, toot 
 an automobile horn.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For "Seeing things" at night try a 
 Welsh Rarebit.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     (1905) Russo-Jap peace treaty at Portsmouth, 
 H.--Japanese description of 
 
                    Portsmouth, "A mos' honorable plaze 
                    where they dispenz mos' dizhonorable 
                    liquor!" 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     (2000 B.C.) Proverbs invented by Solomon, who 
                    gazed upon his wives and exclaimed, 
                    "Variety is the spice of life!" 
   
                  P.S.--Adam couldn't say this because he 
                    was handicapped. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   (1258) "Mad Parliament" meets. 
   
            (1906) Congress "mad," still in session. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY   If a man tells you that he "had darned hard 
             work getting out of bed this morning," the 
            chances are that the bed was a folding one. 
   
 JUNE 
   
 Woman's love is chaotic; man's idiotic. 
   
 
 
 
 DECKLE-EDGE FRECKLES 
 Summer begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to 
 have a good start. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a 
 golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young 
 woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a 
 fright. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 A freckle is the same to a druggist as a pipe line is to 
 Rockefeller--ready money and a lot of it. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine 
 kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three-ply 
 acid, and a gross of poudre-de-phiz every Saturday 
 afternoon. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 All this gives vigor to the freckle. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Incendiary Warning_: To save money from 
 fire,--don't burn it.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Etiquette Query_: Is the game worth the 
 scandal?] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     About a year ago the Ground 'og cast a shadow 
            in Packingtown. 
   
            What's the answer? 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1904) It was reported that Cassie Chadwick 
                    and 'Lijah Dowie had formed a Confidence 
                    Trust, whereupon Madam Bartrand prayed 
                    the Interstate Commerce Commission to 
                    issue an injunction against them under 
                    the plea of restraint of trade. The 
                    injunction was issued, and withdrawn 
                    later when the Supreme Court decided 
                    that confidence was too universal to be 
                    made the basis of a monopoly. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JUNE 
   
 The poet associates his larks with high heaven; the realist 
 associates his larks with high-balls. 
   
 
 
 
 RAISING CORN 
 Great care should be exercised in raising corn, especially 
 the variety _Johnus Barley-cornicus_. This may be raised 
 with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe 
 in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the 
 act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the 
 hot sands!" etc. 
   
   
 This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head. 
 "Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Pest Note_: If troubled with Junebugs try 
 sweeping the cobwebs out of the attic; if troubled with 
 aunts close up the house and go to the country.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (390 B.C.) Rome saved by the cackling of geese. 
   
            (1905) Reputations ruined by the cackling of 
                    Alexander and Hyde. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
   
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1906) T. Roosevelt decided to write no more 
                    magazine articles, except for the 
                    Congressional Record. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1876) Alexander Graham Bell invented the 
                    telephone. 
   
            (1877) American Humorists invented the 
                    telephone girl. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JUNE 
   
 Many a woman prefers a love of a hat to the love of a 
 husband. 
   
 
 
 
 HOW TO PLANT A BEER GARDEN 
 Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out 
 his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice 
 rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a 
 couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them. 
 Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you 
 have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some 
 healthy young electric light plant. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming 
 fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to 
 pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep 
 the plants from drying out. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the 
 plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in 
 check. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to 
 distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's 
 weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the 
 garden, but also give life to the plant. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for 
 interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market 
 for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent 
 grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold. 
   
 [Sidenote: _THERMOMETER ECONOMY_: This is the best time to 
 buy thermometers. They cost no more than during the winter 
 months and contain more than twice as much mercury.] 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (858 B.C.) Sardanapulus dies on a bier 400 feet 
                    high. Great envy among the thirsty. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   July 4th is a great day for those who love to 
            tell us that "all men are created free and 
            equal;" it is also a great day for other Fourth 
            of Juliars. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY   (1839) John D. Rockefeller born. 
                  "First in the wells, first in the pipes, 
                  first in the lamps of his countrymen." 
   
 JULY 
   
 Never look a gift mule in the hind leg. 
   
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR JULY 
 The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach 
 a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household 
 cat--without first making sure that the insurance policy on 
 the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat 
 loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted. 
 _I GILD MY OWN BRICKS_ 
   
 LITTLE GEM BRICK 
 GILDING OUTFIT 
   
 IS A BOON TO FARMERS 
   
 Buy the Outfit and be your 
 own Confidence Man, thus 
 enjoying all the pleasures 
 of being buncoed without 
 leaving The Old Home 
   
 [Sidenote: _Carving Note_: A chicken neck served to a guest 
 is "the most unkindest cut of all."] 
 SUNDAY     (1906) Lucrezia Borgia rose to assert that she 
                    never used embalmed beef at her banquets. 
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     (1586 B.C.) Nebuchadnezzar saw the handwriting 
                    on the wall. 
   
            (1906) John D. Rockefeller sailed for Europe. 
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   (1905) New song published by Cassie Chadwick, 
                    "I've worked every one but father." 
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY   Boy, gun, 
           Joy, fun. 
            Gun bust. 
            Boy dust. 
   
 JULY 
   
 Friendship is between men a convenience; between women, a 
 commodity. 
   
 
 
 
 HINTS ON DRESS 
 Parasols should be carried on Sun-day. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are 
 justified in making a cloak of their religion. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late 
 to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during 
 the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are 
 quite popular. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before 
 they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in 
 "soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by 
 gentlemen who are financially embarrassed. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Advice to Wives_: It is better to let your 
 husband bring a friend home to dinner than it is to have a 
 friend bring him home after dinner.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1896) A bas Dreyfus! 
   
            (1906) Vive le Dreyfus! 
   
 TUESDAY     (1840) First Cunarder arrives in Boston. 
                    P.S.--Do not confound with canard, which 
                    arrived with Boston to remain always. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   HONOR TO WHOM, ETC. 
   
            We're all of us selfishly slow to confess 
            How much others aid us in winning success; 
            But the Fourth of July and the Oyster must see 
            How stupid, without any Crackers, they'd be. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JULY 
   
 Many a Glad Hand turns out to be The Hook. 
   
 
 
 
 SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC 
 (Recent Interpretations) 
   
 AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes 
 on the first of January. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to 
 be just as thirsty. 
   
       *       *       *       *       * 
   
 ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to 
 meditate on the virtues of bock beer. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition 
 is surly and it's a toss-up whether he really remains a 
 waterman. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and 
 how he feels toward his fellowman in May. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 CANCER, the crab, indicating the backward interest with 
 which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer. 
   
 (_Continued on next left-hand page._) 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: For a turned ankle--a nicely 
 turned feminine ankle--a low shoe, a short skirt, and a 
 drop-stitch stocking are recommended.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1851) Vigilance Committee organized in San 
                    Francisco. 
   
            (1906) Order of Muck-rakers established in 
                    Washington. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1525 B.C.) Pharaoh's daughter finds Moses in 
                    the Bull-rushes. 
   
            (1906 A.D.) Roosevelt finds a "joker" in the 
                    meat bill. 
   
 THURSDAY   INFINITUDE! 
   
      Man looks at the stars and with wonder unspeakable 
      He thinks on their source which he knows is unseekable: 
      He asks who designed all the planets so beautiful, 
      But no one has ever unscrewed the unscrutable. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JULY 
   
 An earthquake is not what it is cracked up to be. 
   
 
 
 
 SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC  (_Continued_) 
 LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in 
 July he agrees with them. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually 
 hears of his daughter's engagement. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various 
 interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and 
 send him the bills. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with 
 which he pays them in October. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on 
 the part of his conscience toward the end of November. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he 
 decides that next year shall be different. 
   
 [Sidenote: _A Milk Pointer_: Milkmen, too, have their 
 troubles. If they do not water their cows, or if they do 
 water their milk, somebody has the law on them. 
   
 ] 
   
   
   
   
 [Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat 
 off.] 
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1852) Crystal palace opened at New York. 
   
            Next week--New York people discover they cannot 
            live in glass houses. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1841) London Punch first issued. 
   
           Same week--Great Gloom settles over London. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1906) Secretary Taft visits Greenville, S. C., 
                    and opens campaign. 
   
            Same date--Democrats of "Solid South" gaze at 
            Taft in dismay and exclaim, "We are lost, we 
            had no idea the Republican party was so large!" 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 JULY 
   
 Matches are made in heaven--they don't need 'em in the other 
 place. 
   
 
 
 
 REPORT TO THE SECRETARY OF WAR 
 _on the Russo-Japanese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U. S. A._ 
   
   
 The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by 
 civilized nations because: 
   
 It was not started by a newspaper. 
 
   
 The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable 
 
 resort. 
   
 Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to 
 
 inspect the officers' wardrobes. 
   
 There was no San Juan Hill. 
 
   
 The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls. 
 
   
 The officers looked after their commands instead of 
 
 writing magazine articles. 
   
 The soldiers were fed real food. 
 
   
 Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed. 
 
   
 The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep 
 
 water. 
   
 No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, 
 
 clothing, or ammunition. 
   
 No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started 
 
 over who won the battles. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Political Note_: Politicians are bought, not 
 made.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons too serious to take a joke 
 should take a vacation.] 
   
   
   
   
 [Illustration: Don't see the freckles. Look pleasant 
 please.] 
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil. 
                    Rejoicing in Harlem. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   (1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II 
                    of France. Rainy days become popular. 
   
 FRIDAY     The woman who wears a short bathing skirt is 
            not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife 
            of a popular magazine editor and cultivate 
            exposure because she has caught the habit. 
                            --Supton Eclair. 
   
 AUGUST 
   
 No successful business man ever spends his own money.  
 
 
 
 USEFUL FARM HINTS 
 Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully 
 housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be 
 just as pry as ever. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The man who sells six onions for a nickel cannot thrive, 
 For all can see that no one ought to give six scents 
    for five. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should 
 be made to give a re-seat for it. 
   
        *      *       *       *       * 
   
 Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect. 
 It is by his root that he survives. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the 
 premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the 
 most substantial delight. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he 
 feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by." 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered 
 that his head-quarters are not his real business end. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Advice on Care of Your Rubber Plant_: A Turkish 
 Bath Factory needs constant attention to make it pay.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (1906) Boston Convention of Flies pass vote of 
                    thanks to John B. Moran for removing 
                    screens from hotel windows. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   "The greatest blessing of all is that I am no 
            longer kept awake nights by persons who are 
            making modern improvements." 
                            --Robinson Crusoe. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1066) William prepares to invade England with 
                    696 ships and 60,000 men. 
   
            (1906) Alice prepares to invade England with 
                    696 trunks and 1 man. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 AUGUST 
   
 A woman wears a veil for the same reason that distance lends 
 enchantment. 
   
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINTS FOR AUGUST 
 A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping 
 the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top 
 of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of 
 chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might 
 try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint 
 leaves--sipping it through a straw is favored by many 
 eminent practitioners at the bar. 
   
 
 
 
 A BREAD AND MILK COW 
 The farmer with a Jersey cow 
    Can live as fine as silk 
 For he has got, you must allow, 
    His thorough-bred and milk. 
   
   
 [Sidenote: _A Hint on Luck_: A Lucky-piece is a good mascot; 
 a piece of luck is the real thing.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Fashion Hint_: With peek-a-boo waist and short 
 sleeves, a woman must wear her heart in her hand-bag.] 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (449) "Robbers' Synod" held at Ephesus. 
   
            (1908) Extra session of Congress held at 
                    Washington. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   Do not take this day off. It is a "dog day" 
            and he may want it. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (697) The Venetians elect their first doge. 
   
            (1906) The beef packers try their last dodge. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 AUGUST 
   
 A girl in a hammock is worth two in a corps de ballet. 
   
 
 
 
 APPROPRIATE SALUTATIONS 
 _To the fireman_: Go to blazes! 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 _To the butcher_: May you never make a miss-steak in your 
 endeavor to make both ends meat! 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 _To the baker_: May you always have the dough, not too much 
 crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to! 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 _To the spinster_: May you ever be the matchless but not the 
 mateless woman you are now! 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 _To the young physician_: May you wait, like Patience on a 
 monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on 
 your patients! 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 _To the seamstress_: May life always seam sew-sew in your 
 hemmysphere! 
   
        *       *      *       *       * 
   
 _To the dentist_: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to 
 fill many an aching void and long-felt want! 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 _To the poet_: May you have many more verses than reverses. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Many are cold, but few are frozen. 
   
 ] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY   A GREAT JAG 
   
          A man may think he's a terror to drink 
            When he really is nothing to brag on, 
          For it's true, we infer, that a big chestnut burr 
            Gets the awfullest, all-around jag on. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (6,99,950 B.C.) Eve appears in a peek-a-boo 
                    waist. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1509) Henry VIII began to get married. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 AUGUST 
   
 A man admires a woman for what he thinks she is; a woman 
 admires a man for what she thinks he has. 
   
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR SEPTEMBER 
 Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a 
 coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice 
 blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular 
 shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat, 
 unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come 
 off easily enough. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 IS THE SUN INHABITED? 
   
 An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that 
 the Sun is inhabited. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at 
 Columbus when he said the Earth was round. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early 
 stages. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever 
 becoming common carriers. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The Sun may be inhabited, who knows? 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he 
 really appears at first blush. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 And Hell is inhabited. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Financial Note_: When in doubt, do the first one 
 you come across.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Marine Note_: High rollers don't always come in 
 from the sea.] 
   
   
   
   
 [Illustration: Those stars hold the stage. Take yer hat 
 off.] 
   
 SUNDAY     IT HEADS THE LIST 
   
              In a book showing all 
              Of the gowns great and small 
            Wives have worn since this old world begun, 
              That first dress of Eve's, 
              Which she fashioned of leaves, 
            Should be, properly, labeled "Fig. 1." 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   (1848) Patent issued for converting fine 
                  coal into solid lumps. 
   
            (1906) Patent sought for converting fine 
                  poetry into filthy lucre. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 SEPTEMBER 
   
 It's a long lane that hides no lovers.  
 
 
 
 SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD RECIPES FOR VEGETARIANS 
 HAY A-LA-MODE 
   
 Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh 
 brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory 
 saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily 
 over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 NUT CUTLET 
   
 Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind 
 them into a paste of about the consistency of the average 
 politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which 
 the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a 
 subpoena till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and 
 beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a 
 veal cutlet. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 IMITATION POTTED HARE 
   
 Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation 
 hare, to be used for decorative purposes only. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 STEWED RUBBER PLANT 
   
 Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber 
 cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it 
 will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Ticker Note_: Bull movements are carefully 
 watched in Mexico and Spain.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Fashion Note_: Many a hose is worn to be seen.] 
   
   
   
   
 [Illustration: It's always harvest time for me.] 
   
 SUNDAY     (1,10,000 B.C.) Aphrodite born from the "foam 
                    of the sea." 
   
            (1 A.D.) "Katzenjammer" born from the foam of 
                   too many "schooners." 
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     General opening of Public Schools. 
            General opening of Oysters. 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1777) Brandywine proves a bad mixture for the 
                    colonial troops. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (Sept. 15, 1693) Public lotteries established 
                    in England. Marriage encouraged. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 SEPTEMBER 
   
 That love is blind accounts for so many miscues. 
   
 
 
 
 HEALTH HINTS 
 To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and 
 hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can 
 drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure 
 to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time 
 of going ashore. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how 
 to increase the same by consulting the editor of their 
 favorite Sunday newspaper. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They 
 are highly recommended for strengthening the breath. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND 
 sleep. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish 
 grass widow. 
   
        *       *       *      *       * 
   
 Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the 
 penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble 
 should they all break out at once. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Financial Note_: For "dust" in the house, ask 
 hubby.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Art Note_: An artists' model is not necessarily 
 a model of good behavior. 
 SUNDAY 
   
 MONDAY     (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a 
                    submarine. 
   
 TUESDAY     (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY    (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo 
                    Cristofori. His assassination soon 
                    follows. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
   
 SEPTEMBER 
   
 It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to 
 weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it. 
   
 
 
 
 LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY 
 _How to Trim Rich Relations._ 
   
 This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the 
 subjects can only be approached when they are asleep. 
   
 Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform 
 and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room 
 where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to 
 the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the 
 Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, 
 lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it 
 in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, 
 using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and 
 you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, 
 cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and 
 any jewels or trinkets that you may find. 
   
 Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the 
 subject before you can do the trimming. 
   
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: While sleeping it is best to lie 
 on the right side; also while awake.] 
 SUNDAY     (1629) First theater in America established in 
                    Boston. Patti opened theater with first 
                    farewell performance. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm 
            sure I can't imagine where they buy such long 
            stockings." 
                      --Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted 
                   Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 SEPTEMBER 
   
 Those who live in glass houses should conduct themselves 
 accordingly. 
   
 
 
 
 RARE RECIPES 
 _TO MAKE A LIVING_: To one old woman with money add 
 "soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a 
 wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money. 
   
   
 _TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD_: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a 
 shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 _TO PRESERVE MONEY_: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from 
 whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put 
 in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have 
 forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent 
 part in church affairs. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Entomological Note_: In Washington the Katy-dids 
 now say Teddy did, Teddy didn't.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Home Hint_: Servant girls should be picked early 
 this month. If picked green they often last the whole 
 winter. It is inadvisable to pick them too fresh.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     (1296) Society of "Merchant Adventurers" 
                    established by John, of Biabaut. 
   
            (1901) Steal Trust organized by Morgan, of 
                    New York. 
   
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     "One may write for the Ladies' Home Journal 
             without having to read it." 
                            --Kudyard Ripling. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY     (15,001 B.C.) Venus explains platonic 
                    friendship to Adonis. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY     (575 B.C.) Horatius beat Lars Porsena at a 
                   game of bridge. 
   
   
 OCTOBER 
   
 There's many a cup 'twixt the office and the ferry slip. 
   
 
 
 
 YOU NEVER CAN TELL 
 Sons of great men oft remind us 
    That no matter what our fame, 
 Offspring that we leave behind us 
    May be lobsters, just the same. 
 [Sidenote: _Economical Hint_: A good imitation of soapsuds 
 may be made by shaking a bottle of champagne and then 
 opening the bottle.] 
 SUNDAY     (1781) Battle of Eutaw. 
   
            (1906) W. C. T. U. tries to throw Smoot out of 
                    the Senate. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (673) Theodre, of England, calls first Council 
                    of Bishops. 
   
            (1906) Theodore, of Washington, calls Council 
                    of Muck-rakers. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     FIRST CANOE--Doesn't it make you tired to be 
            taken out by one of those fresh young men who 
            doesn't know how to paddle? 
   
            SECOND CANOE--Yes, it often quite upsets me. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 OCTOBER 
   
 There is some good in every heart, some rubber in every 
 neck. 
   
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR OCTOBER 
 If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece 
 where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy 
 and simple way to remedy the damage will be--but wait! Maybe 
 you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from 
 us to touch a tender spot. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 She--(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to 
 go toward revealing the secrets of her heart? 
   
 He--(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the 
 limit. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Footwear Advice_: Two empty bananas make a very 
 good pair of slippers.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: There is no sure cure for 
 laziness, but a second wife may relieve it.] 
 SUNDAY     There was a young man from St. Louis 
            Who'd eat nothing else but chop souis, 
              A habit he learned 
              When his medals he earned 
            In the fight at Manila with Douis! 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     (1196) Diet at Wurzburg--beer and pretzels. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   "Half a suit of pajamas is better than no 
            nightie."      --Hindoo Proverb. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 OCTOBER 
   
 The easiest way to put a baby to sleep is the rockiest way. 
   
 
 
 
 TO THE GODDESS ON THE DOLLAR 
 Fair maid, how I have longed for thee, 
    That classic face of thine 
 I feared would never look on me, 
  Much less be wholly mine! 
 And now that thou art mine indeed-- 
    In fact my last resource-- 
 There comes, alas, through direful need, 
    The time for our divorce! 
   
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: A good way to air your room is to 
 turn it wrong side out and hang it out the window.] 
 SUNDAY     A BUSINESS POINTER 
   
            "When I can read my title clear 
              To mansions in the skies," 
            I will not care for riches here, 
              And cease to advertise. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1753) Popularity of "the" Pompadour at height. 
   
            (1906) Marcel wave in the ascendant. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1558) Salters' company founded in London. 
   
            (1875) Hetty Green elected a 33d degree member. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 OCTOBER 
   
 The eye is the window of the soul. 
   
 The mouth is the subway of the face. 
   
 
 
 
 RECIPE FOR MAKING PUMPKIN PIE 
 THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE 
   
 (Copyrighted) 
   
 First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut 
 pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil 
 them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a 
 mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be 
 lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the 
 eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet 
 beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch. 
 Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these 
 will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired. 
 Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard--this 
 is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture 
 to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand 
 while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour 
 mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot 
 oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are 
 done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to 
 cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Etiquette Hint_: To remove a "sticking plaster," 
 try yawning. 
 SUNDAY     SUCH A JAIS! 
   
            There was a young man from Calais 
            Who saw a soubrette at a plais. 
              Her beauty all fled 
              When her make-up was shed, 
            And his idol proved nothing but clais! 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (60 B.C.) Cleopatra invents peek-a-boo waists. 
   
            (60 B.C.) Antony becomes first easy Marc. 
   
            (1906) Peek-a-boo waist is the pneumonia waist 
                    in September. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 OCTOBER 
   
 The baby's favorite, often heard at night--a high-bawl in 
 A flat. 
   
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR NOVEMBER 
 Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it--the 
 brandy, we mean. 
   
 We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of 
 doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first 
 baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be 
 eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be 
 laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove 
 curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie 
 breath. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 HOW TO GET RID OF THE GYPSY MOTH 
   
 First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him 
 in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing 
 on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth 
 permanently. 
   
 If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies 
 generally and he will leave of his own accord. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Horticultural Note_: This is a good month to get 
 a slip from an ice plant. Walk through it without rubbers. 
 SUNDAY     EVOLUTION 
   
            "I'm not a beauty, I'll allow," 
              Said the poor mule, lank and old, 
            "But I'm less of a jackass, anyhow, 
              Than my father was, I'm told." 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1904) Prohibitionists nominated Swallow for 
                    President. He went down easily. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1905) Roosevelt discovered that he was 
                    nominated June "23." 
   
            (1906) Roosevelt decides not to run for third 
                    term. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 NOVEMBER 
   
 Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and, according to all 
 accounts, it also has many other discomforts of home. 
   
 
 
 
 FAMILY TREES 
 Men are luckless farmers, 
    Their Family Trees will show, 
 For many who grafted Peaches 
    Are ruined by their Blow. 
   
   
 CANNED     ADVERTISEMENTS     HEAD 
 GOODS                           WEAR 
   
 _BRAINS MADE TO ORDER!_ 
   
 Do your brains fit you? Are they of an 
 inferior quality? Do they make you a 
 living? 
   
 ... USE ... 
 OLD DR. WISE'S BRAINS! 
   
 We have reached the highest perfection 
 point in the manufacture of brains and can 
 supply you with canned brains at reasonable 
 prices. Put up only in pints and quarts. 
 Prices on application. 
   
 BRAINS ON TRIAL! 
   
 Send us your name and we will ship you 
 direct a complete set of our brains on trial. 
 Use them 30 days and if, at the end of that 
 period, you find them not all we claim, 
 return them to us at our expense. 
   
 SECOND-HAND BRAINS TAKEN IN 
 EXCHANGE! 
   
 THE WISE GRAY 
 MATTER CO. 
   
 Boston, Mass. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Golf Rule_: If you strike your partner, while 
 driving, the stroke counts against him.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Note_: To cure palpitation of the heart, 
 it is best to ask her at once and have it over with.] 
 SUNDAY     GENEALOGICAL NOTE 
   
              Any low-browed, brindle rooster 
              Can kerdoodle if he choose ter 
            And strut about and cackle, "Tra la la!" 
              But an incubator chicken 
              Hatched by steam's a mighty slick un' 
            If it's wise enough to recognize its ma. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   (1640) Torture abolished in England. 
   
            (1906) Corsets still worn. 
   
 FRIDAY     Law now off on certain fish. Get the hook. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 NOVEMBER 
   
 Home is where you are not allowed to sit on the sofa 
 pillows. 
   
 
 
 
 FORECAST FOR NOVEMBER 
 The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by 
 cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them 
 in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the 
 same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the 
 game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding 
 for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter 
 part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, 
 turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by 
 headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the 
 southern portion. 
   
       *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for 
 November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather 
 that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is 
 not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket 
 line. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Poultry Hint_: Time spent in trying to reform a 
 bad egg is time wasted.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Persons troubled with rheumatics 
 should avoid attic rooms, but those who have the "shingles" 
 can sleep on the roof.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     METEORO-LOGICAL 
   
 MONDAY     "One swallow does not make a summer," 
              Still, 'tis clear to all 
            That swallows enough of the right sort of stuff 
              Are certain to make a fall. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1775) Washington's army, barefooted in the 
                    snow at Valley Forge, swore that it 
                    would, later on, whip the British 
                    "out of their boots." 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (4004 B.C.) Popular songs invented by Adam, who 
                   introduced "There's only one girl in the 
                    world for me!" 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 NOVEMBER 
   
 Circumstances open cases. 
 
 
 
 HOW TO VIEW AN ECLIPSE 
 To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several 
 good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the 
 sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A 
 great deal depends on the quality and character of the 
 glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an 
 eclipse than are others. 
   
        *       *       *       *      * 
   
 If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the 
 eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable 
 that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes 
 of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two 
 moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and 
 several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets 
 and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to 
 eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever 
 projected by the mind of man. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up 
 during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one 
 simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of 
 the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all 
 those who retired early the night before and missed the 
 social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from 
 viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Young ladies desiring more color 
 in their cheeks should try brushing the same with a two 
 days' growth of bristles on a masculine chin.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     WHO DARES? 
   
 MONDAY     Some men are brave, no doubt, in war, 
              But the iron-nerved rip-snorter 
            Is the fellow who rides in the sleeping-car 
              And refuses to tip the potter. 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1890) Improved excelsior machines invented. 
   
            Same date--Breakfast food introduced. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1828) Daniel O'Connell, elected to parliament, 
                    refuses to take the oath. 
   
            Same date--First and only time on record a 
            politician ever refused to take anything. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 NOVEMBER 
   
 The man behind the man in front constitutes a pull, not a 
 push.  
 
 
 
 HELPFUL HINT FOR DECEMBER 
 Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to 
 send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little 
 remembrance--but be sure to select something that will force 
 them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or 
 to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much 
 better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that. 
   
 NEAR EYES   ADVERTISEMENTS       SPECTACLES 
 FAR EYES                       EXTRAVAGANZAS 
   
 _EYES TESTED AT HOME_ 
   
   
 It is a deplorable fact that human 
 vision is falling below the normal 
 standard day by day. A great many 
 people weaken their eyes by looking 
 for work, others in trying to see a 
 joke where there is no joke. 
   
 Our patent home eye tester is 
 presented herewith. Why pay 
 good money to an oculist when you 
 can test your eyes yourself? 
   
 DIRECTIONS FOR USING EYE-TESTER 
   
      Hold black disc and parallel lines 18 
      inches in front of your eyes. Close 
      your eyes and look at diagram intently. 
      If, then, any one line in the diagram 
      seems to you to be more alike than any 
      other line, or if any one line looks to 
      be more parallel than two lines, you 
      ought to wear spectacles. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Hint_: Fatigued brain-workers desiring to 
 engage in some restful employment should try hair-dressing. 
 The barber does most of his head-work with his hands.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Household Hint_: Do not mistake the cat for a 
 sofa pillow; those who sit on the cat, thinking she is a 
 cushion, will rise again.] 
 SUNDAY     A SACRED THOUGHT 
   
            "Oh, had I the wings of a dove!" sang she 
              And I thought (and I guess it was pat) 
            If she gets them, on next Sunday morning 
                we'll see 
              The two of them pinned on her hat. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1906) Terrible disaster throughout United 
                    States--many magazines have hot-air 
                    explosions, shattering scores of 
                    reputations. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY      (1897) Thousands invest in Keeley motor stock. 
   
              (1898) Keeley motor discovered to be a fraud-- 
                    first Keeley cure on record. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 DECEMBER 
   
 All things come to him who goes after them. 
   
 
 
 
 FARMING IN ALASKA 
 It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest 
 possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer--be careful not 
 to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the 
 Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to 
 press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms, 
 four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of 
 pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the 
 fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay, 
 $95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There 
 are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest 
 time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets 
 his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of 
 anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way 
 with eggs--no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen 
 before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh 
 flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the 
 sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed 
 into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers 
 in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over 
 prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 
 worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if 
 conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this 
 year. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Culinary Note_: To pair potatoes, place them two 
 by two.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Note_: For water on the brain try an 
 umbrella.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     EVE BEGAN IT 
   
            The eternal feminine has not changed much since 
            the days of Eve, who was the first of her sex 
            to complain that she hadn't a thing to wear. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1798) George Washington invents the cocktail. 
   
          (1906) George Washington acknowledged to be most 
                    popular man in history of the country. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     (1905) Beef Trust declared illegal--whatever 
                    that is. 
   
            (1906) Beef Trust demonstrates that there is 
                    no use "beefing about it." 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 DECEMBER 
   
 Most popular book in the world--the pocketbook. 
   
 
 
 
 THE PUBLISHER'S COZY CORNER CHAT 
 ONE OF OUR AWFUL SMART BOYS 
   
   
 Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and 
 is now three years old. 
   
 This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the 
 Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast," 
 feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through 
 successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in 
 church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George 
 Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as 
 he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars. 
 "Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George 
 Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday 
 Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall 
 Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon." 
   
 Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he 
 knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and 
 established himself in business. He is now well on his way 
 to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that 
 the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling 
 young salesmen. 
   
 There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek 
 is likely to get one of them. 
   
 But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think _he_ is 
 going to be a President of the Common Council. 
   
 [Sidenote: _Health Note_: A hot brick is a good thing for 
 the feet; a cold brick is a bad thing for the head. 
 SUNDAY     (44 B.C.) "Twenty-three for you," shouted 
                    Brutus to Cæsar, and when they counted 
                    the stab wounds they found Brutus had 
                    enumerated correctly. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     (1776) Washington arrives at Dorchester Heights 
                    and finds 25,000 bushels of wheat. 
                    "I am glad it isn't breakfast food," 
                    said George. 
   
 WEDNESDAY 
   
 THURSDAY   (192 B.C.) First mention of Baseball. Sparta 
                    joins the Achean league--it was easy to 
                    slide in Greece. 
   
 FRIDAY     LONGEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR 
   
            The colicky baby's father, 
              As he croons his soothing song, 
            His thanks should give that he doesn't live 
              Where the nights are six months long. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 DECEMBER 
   
 "Even those who can't read like to look at the 
 pictures."--Willie B. Hearsed 
   
 (Politically)? 
   
 
 
 
 ADVICE TO PARENTS 
 It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to 
 one to bear with him night and day, during all his years, 
 has a most important influence in the work of shaping his 
 life and fortune. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show 
 that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because 
 while they were still helpless little children they were 
 named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, 
 had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would 
 still be blest with well-thatched polls. 
   
        *       *       *      *       * 
   
 It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business 
 or profession in which they intend their children shall 
 engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy 
 poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if 
 they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him 
 Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or 
 Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate 
 dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a 
 debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass," 
 Timothy. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in 
 naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she 
 should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if 
 a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to 
 the end of the chapter. 
   
 [Sidenote: ? Why is the standard octopus like a water-lily? 
 Oh, fudge! It isn't like a water-lily at all. It is more 
 like the skunk cabbage which gets a head in the world, but 
 is always in bad odor.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     (1660) Charles II, chased by subpoena from 
                    Cromwell, wins record of being most 
                    difficult man in the world to subpoena. 
   
            (1906) Rockefeller smashes record of Charles II. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     (1620) Pilgrims land at Plymouth in little 
                    Mayflower. 
   
            (1906) Records show that little Mayflower 
                    brought over 38,000,000 carloads of 
                    ancestors, candlesticks, furniture, etc. 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1906) Chinese missionaries threatened. 
   
            (Next day) Missionaries leave tracts and make 
                    new ones for home. 
   
 THURSDAY 
   
 FRIDAY     The day before Christmas will seem the longest 
            day in the year if you are expecting any 
            presents. 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 DECEMBER 
   
 Wit is something bright, thought of after the guests have 
 departed. 
   
 
 
 
 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS 
 DIFFIDENT--The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him 
 arrested. 
   
 ECONOMY--We know of no place where toothbrushes are 
 laundered. 
   
 HISTORIAN--You are right. Noah was the largest individual 
 holder of watered stock during his age. 
   
 SCIENCE--Yes, ice is slippery on both sides. 
   
 WELL WISHER--We return the $5 note. We cannot accept 
 counterfeit money from admirers. 
   
 SPORT--You lose. Adam was born an orphan. 
   
        *       *       *       *       * 
   
 RECENT INVENTIONS 
   
 A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain 
 attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum. 
   
        *       *       *      *       * 
   
 Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable 
 collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a 
 little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce 
 for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the 
 impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it 
 impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner. 
   
 [Sidenote: _A New Year Thought_: Now is the time to take 
 your pen in hand--to meditate, to practise faithfully until 
 you write with ease, one--nine--naught--EIGHT.] 
   
 [Sidenote: _To Develop the Calf_: Permit it to remain with 
 its mother for two or three weeks. Then teach it to drink 
 milk out of pail.] 
   
   
   
   
   
 SUNDAY     (1278) Ottocar died in Vienna. 
   
            (1895) Automobile born in France. 
   
 MONDAY 
   
 TUESDAY     (1373) Leopold, archduke of Austria, named his 
                    son Rupert for the benefit of modern 
                    novelists. 
   
 WEDNESDAY   (1340) Cannon first used in England. 
   
            (1906) Roosevelt uses Cannon in the House of 
                    Representatives. 
   
 THURSDAY   CORRESPONDENT ANSWERED 
   
            Editor Foolish Almanack:-- 
            What ails my hens? Every morning I 
            find two or three lying on their backs, toes 
            curled up, never to rise again. 
   
            CONSTANT READER. 
            Skowhegan, Me. 
   
            Answer:--Your hens are dead.--Ed. 
   
 FRIDAY 
   
 SATURDAY 
   
 DECEMBER 
   
 Health Hint:--If you have a "broken bone" try to save the 
 change. 
   
 
 
 Publication Date: January 9th 2015 https://www.bookrix.com/-mk496e398f1e345