text: Timothy Carstensen Colors of Joy 
   
   
     
   
  	Jamie turned back to his bed. "But..." He felt a twinge of darkness well up inside of him. His only advantage over others who had friends, who had good foster families, and those who had real families, was that he never got distracted by them. 'He could succeed alone' was his motto, was his creed. He saw the word "But..." resting just beyond is peripheral, a wisp of grey. Sean didn't know what he was thinking about. He was older, and was in the situation too, not having a foster family, not having a real family, but Sean was normal. And normal orphans still had others to help them. Not like him. He was alone. But that was his advantage, no one to lead him, but no one to mislead him or distract him. And even now as Sean was back in the group home, his older foster family was coming back for him. The black shadows rose and boiled around him. 
  	Sean interjected, "It's ok. It's only one weekend, and we're not too far. We can always skype you in for an interview too." His words rose in his own unique ribbons, shades of green interweaving with each other, cutting through the shadow. 
  	Jamie knew Sean had mistaken his hesitation as a fear he'd had before, but not anymore, the fear that adoptive parents would come and request an interview when he was gone, and he would miss the chance for a family. He didn't want a family though. He wanted to be alone. A small part of him rebelled though, pleaded for him to get out of the stifling orphanage and have a weekend to pretend to be normal. He finally decided to go, and watched in satisfaction as the ribbon of grey dissipated. "Yeah, I can go." After all, he needed a break, and as lonesome as he was, he'd never get the chance again. 
  	Sean grinned, and for a second he shimmered slightly. "Awesome! We can leave on friday, then. I'll ask Bernie." He walked back to his bunk. 
  	"What should I bring?" 
  	"Don't worry about bringing much. We don't have much to pack here anyway, and you can always use my stuff." 
  	That was tuesday night, and today was friday. Jamie sat in the school room, staring at the teacher, at the kids. The teacher was lecturing on history, and Jamie watched his words, intertwining orange and brown oscillating through the room and fading slowly. He noticed the movement of the kids, one bouncing his knee and tapping his heel impatiently, giving off the shadow of an impatient red glow. Another two were busily scratching out notes, the sounds of their pencils rising up from their desks as a tan haze. Jamie wondered about Sean.  He just came in a week ago, and had gotten situated rather quickly. He didn't notice him until the day after he'd arrived at the group home, in the caf. Jamie had sat alone in the corner, seemingly ostracized by the rest. He wasn't offended by it, either. He'd gotten used to being alone, and had grown comfortable with the darker colors that rose inside of him in response to his loneliness. Being alone meant he had less distractions, and less distractions meant he could succeed. He didn't need anybody else, anyway, and felt nervous when he was joined. The colors and the sensations he encountered while watching others often distracted him and posed embarrasing. He was better off alone, staring at the empty space above the other orphans and listening to the music of their voices, watching the colors it produced. Some days it was a confusing jumble of colors all matted together, like a spill of twenty paints on a piece of paper, but most of the time it was a beatifully dynamic pattern, leaping and writhing bright colors with a smooth undercurrent of earth tones and the ripples of royal blue and purple hues. He was engrossed in the colors, as usual, when Sean had appeared, almost out of the blue. His voice cut through the colors and dissapated them, a mellow combination of green shades. Jamie never saw just one color, but different combinations of shades. He admired the green, and then Sean spoke again, and Jamie realized he was being addressed. 
   
  	"Sorry, what was that?" 
  	"I was just wondering... is anyone sitting here?" 
  	"Um, no, just me. Why?" Jamie watched his words, as green ribbons, rise and sway in the air, spinning out with hints of yellow and creating a vibrant, dynamic pattern. 
  	"Cool." He sat at the table and began eating. 
  	The word rose from him like a shot of navy blue, rippling slightly, merging with the green, and when they crossed, creating new lines of aquamarine. "Who are you?" Jamie asked, eventually. 
  	"I'm Sean. You?" 
  	Jamie watched the words, pulsing in the air, spining and spreading out. Eventually they faded and he pulled himself back to the conversation. "I'm Jamie."  
  	And the friendship began. Jamie rarely ever had a messmate (his synesthesia always kept him absent-minded, distant... he'd get distracted by the colors... and never had one that was actually interested in him anyway. He'd been there almost three weeks, but he'd been between foster homes for more than a month at a time before. Sean didn't try to avoid him either, but hung out with him during recess at school, sat with him on the van ride back to the group home, and spent time with him afterwards. He learned that Sean had been bouncing from family to family for several years, and now one family had left him at the group home for a week but were coming back for him. 
  	Sean also learned about him. He explained why he was always spacing, why he was always distant. The colors that he saw from people's emotions, their words, their music, they engrossed him, distracted him, hijacking his attention as if it were by force. That's also why he always did poorly in school. How could he focus on anything with so many colors and sounds flooding the room? 
  	Sean sympathized. He imagined the synesthasia like Jamie saw it, not like a disability but like a wonderful gift. He would sit beside Jamie, like someone blind, and ask him what colors he was seeing. When they turned on music, Sean would turn to Jamie to ask which music looked the most beautiful, and often Jamie pointed him to his favorites, orchestral, pop, or rock classical. They always filled the air with huge ribbons and swaths of rainbow colors, shifting and pulsing with every note, every beat, creating such a breathtaking living art. He tried to watercolor what he saw for Sean, but he couldn't capture it. By the time he started painting, the colors would fade and dissipate, and he was left with an empty canvas.  
  	And then, Sean got news of the family returning from him, and had asked Jamie to join him. Jamie didn't want to leave the home, in case another family might come, but he knew he'd rather spend a weekend with another orphan than alone with a foster family anyway. Especially someone he knew like Sean. So he agreed, and tonight they were leaving.  
  	He remembered that right now he was in school, and suddenly returned to his work. He tried to finish the rest of the assignment in the allotted time, but it was futile. Once again, he'd allowed himself to be distracted. Oh well. It's not like he could pull up his grades anyway, at this point. 
  	At the end of school he gathered his books and headed off immediately for the van. It wasn't hard to leave the small groups of kids talking after the last period. Most of them were just waiting for their perfect parents to pick them up in their perfect cars, headed to their perfect homes. The thought made him sick. Part of him always wanted to yell bitterly, "Why me? Why did my parent's have to abandon me to the state after I was just so old no one would want me? Why did I have to be the freak that never could pay attention to anything?" He knew that even normal orphans could befriend the other kids, but he couldn't even befriend the normal orphans. The thoughts, the words rose in his through like the burning of bile, and he saw them even without him saying them as dark shadows moving in the sky. But another part of him was filled with disgust at the kids, how they could have everything and look down on the orphans, look down on him. It's not like he chose to be lonely. The shadows merged in his mind, swirled and shifted. But he suppressed the thoughts, as he always did. The van had to leave the school pretty quickly to get back to the group home on schedule. He continued toward the van, his face down. He'd continue fighting as he always had. Nobody would want to help him, or befriend him. He had to fight his way through life alone, and he could do it. He'd just leave everyone else behind like they all left him behind, and he could succeed. He just couldn't let anything succeed in getting in his way. At the van was several of the other orphans already, but Jamie had to look around before he could spot Sean approaching. "Hey, Sean!" he called. 
  	"Hey!" Sean reached the bus. "Ya ready for tonight?" 
  	"Definitely! When do we leave?" 
  	"As soon as we get home. They'll be here soon." 
  	"Sweet!" Jamie liked the word sweet. It swirled up when he spoke it, white and bright blue twisting and spreading out, like a vortex of energy. He found himself using it for fun, just to see it. But for now they waited on the ride to the home, packed what they had in two cases, and grabbed their cases in their free hands, as Sean pulled him along outside into the parking lot. They ran out into the lot and a silver SUV pulled up from the right. The window rolled down, and a man stuck his head out of the window. "Hey Sean, Jamie! Hop in!"  
  	"And we're off!" Jamie grinned. 
  	"Yup! Meet Mr. Kelly. He already knows you!" Sean grinned. 
  	"Cool! So where exactly are we going?" 
  	"Home, actually," replied Mr. Kelly. Sean interjected, "We've got some stuff planned for tomorrow, but for tonight we eat in and stay up late!" 
  	"I'm all for that!" Jamie continued. He'd thought of eating out, but hoped against it. He'd rather embarrass himself to foster parents of a friend than to complete strangers. 
  	After the hour and a half ride, they pulled up to the house. It was a rather small compared to the bulk of buildings in the group home. The driveway led up to a garage, and part of it split off to behind the the house. Mr. Kelly opened the garage, and they pulled in. He shut off the car, and the boys piled out. "Wow!" Jamie burst, immediately. He retorted to Sean, "You didn't tell me they had a convertible!" 
  	Sean grinned. "Hey, how else would we hang out tomorrow if not in style!" Jamie laughed, half incredulous. "Sweet!" He watched the white bolt bounce off of the car and fill the room, with the bright blue undertones trailing it. He admired the car as they passed, a yellow car with a black stripe down the top, and the word SHELBY on the back with the crest of a snake. 
  	Sean gave him a quick tour of the house, that ended as they entered the bedroom with their cases. Jamie paused to look around. There were two beds set out, one of them against a corner of a wall and directly beside a large window, the pane being drummed by the rain. On the opposite side of the room from the window was a large desk and a shelf, and opposite the beds were bookshelves and a large closet.  
  	"Which bed is yours?" 
  	"The window bed. But we can trade if you want the window." 
  	"Can we open the window?" Jamie looked out.  
  	"In the morning. But at night it's too cold. We could open it a crack though." 
  	"I think I'd really like the window bed, then. Where should I put my stuff?" He put the case on his bed. 
  	"I only use the dressers on the far side of the room. You can use the other ones." 
  	"Haha! I don't need THAT many!" 
  	"You sure? You have such a huge case!" They laughed, and heard Mrs. Kelly calling them for dinner. Jamie saw the notes linger on the air as an urgent red shadow with brighter white undertones, rotating into stripes like a candy cane. 
  	"I guess we'll unpack after," Sean shrugged. He headed out the door, and paused. "Oh, we've gotta wash up!" They hurried down the hall, and Sean washed up and left."I'll be down in the kitchen." 
  	Jamie arrived just as Mr. Kelly took a seat and Mrs. Kelly welcomed him. He sat beside Sean at the table and paused to take in the menu. There was a steaming pot roast that Mrs. Kelly was finishing slicing, as well as a dark green salad with cranberries and nuts, and on the other side of the table there were warm, fragrant rolls and pickled beets with a large fruit salad, in a fluffy thick green cream. He paused, inhaling the fragrance, and seeing the scents as a mosaic of colors, a dark pink for the salad, a handful of shades of blue and green for the fruit salad, a sharp uncomfortable orange shade for the beets, and crowned with the overpowering brown and white tinged with silver of the roast. He beamed. 
  	Sean watched his face light up, and glanced at Mr. Kelly, and they bowed their heads. Jamie followed suit, and after they gave thanks, they dug in. 
  	There wasn't much conversation during the dinner, but they talked a little. Jamie learned that Mr. Kelly was an attorney, and a little more about them, and they learned a little bit more about him. He didn't take any of the beets, but found the roast to be juicy and full of flavor, and the salad was tangy and nutty, but by far the best was the fruit salad, with melon and strawberry and pineapple and kiwi and banana... he found out the cream was a lime/marshmallow cream that he couldn't get enough of until he was full. Afterwards, the Kelly's retired early, and after finishing unpacking, Sean showed Jamie to several of the games on his computer, and they played a few times multiplayer on the two computers, one upstairs in the den and the others downstairs in the office. Jamie was new to the shooter games, but he got a hold of it quickly, finding that the sounds from the games could be used to track back the presence of the other characters. He soon caught up to Sean's skill, to Sean's dismay.  
  	"How do you keep finding me?" Sean finally interrupted. "I don't get it!" 
  	Jamie laughed. "I just recognize your colors following you wherever you go. Maybe you are making too much noise." 
  	Sean played slower and more cautiously, and the colors faded, but Jamie remained a strong enough opponent to stay neck and neck with Sean's score throughout the competition. Finally the game ended, and the two returned to the bedroom. "I still don't get it! How do you get so good so fast? It took me forever to get that sneaky, and I can't even faze you!" 
  	Jamie laughed. Sean's semi-sarcastic frustration rose in billows of mirthful, dancing pale yellow. "I dunno, maybe it's just the colors!"  
  	"Lucky!" Sean laughed too. "But it's late, and we're getting up early tomorrow morning." 
  	They got in bed, and after asking Sean, Jamie opened the window a crack. Not so much that the cold began affecting them, but enough so he could hear the sounds outside. He watched the almost whispering wind, rolling waves of light and sharp shades of blue, and the slightly louder songs of the crickets, providing ripplingly rising bars of shades of purple, tinged alternately with yellow and brown. He recognized the songs of the crickets as similar colors to the sounds he could see from violins and stringed instruments. He eventually closed his eyes, and the colors faded slightly, thought the sounds continued long after he had fallen asleep. 
  	The morning dawned clear, and the sun rose bright, and Jamie woke from the flowing, bouncing and bubbling yellow, pink, and bright blues of the birds chirping from down the street. He slid to the side of his bed and looked out. The morning shadows stretched out from each house as the sun rose beyond the hillscaped horizon, and he felt the soft breeze still swimming in through the crack in the window. He slipped out of bed and changed, seeing the silver flashes of dishes being rattled downstairs. He started to walk downstairs, paused and gave a quick and bright blue "Wake up, sleepyhead!" to Sean, who was beginning to stir, and entered the kitchen. 
  	Mrs. Kelly was already up, packing a few sandwiches and two bags of chips into a large basket. "Good morning!" Her voice rose from her like a small explosion of cyan colors, miscing with two other colors rising. He noticed the swarming olive and teal shades growing through the room before he recognized them. She was making eggs for breakfast! He saw several other colors, and recognized them as he smelled the bacon, cheese and sausage with the eggs too.  
  	"They look good!" he exclaimed.  
  	"You mean they smell good?" Mrs. Kelly corrected. "Their all still covered." 
  	"Well, their colors look good." 
  	Mrs. Kelly looked confused.  
  	"Just to me, I guess. I'm a Synesthete." 
  	"A Synesthete?" 
  	"Yeah. I see colors for smells and sounds. It's not like I can't hear them or smell them. I just see colors too." 
  	"Ah." Mrs. Kelly paused, and continued. "What color is my voice?' 
  	Jamie laughed. No one had ever just believed him that fast until he'd told Sean, and the first thing Sean had said after was "What color is my voice?" 
  	"What's so funny?" Mrs. Kelly looked perplexed. 
  	"Oh, nothing." Jamie caught her eye and continued. "I just never get that response from people, and Sean was the first who said it that way. Not many people take me at face value like that." 
  	"I have a feeling there's more to you than your face value." Mrs. Kelly winked at him, then called up. "Breakfast!" 
  	Jamie found breakfast to fly by fast, each fare colored to his liking. The Kellys and Sean talked of a picnic by the lake, and Sean pulled him from the table as he finished to get him a swimsuit and towel. They chose to bring a football and a frisbee, and by the time they'd returned, the Kellys had finished hitching a trailer to the yellow and black convertible. It wasn't until they were on the road that Jamie recognized the Jetski on the small trailer.  
  	"A Jetski! Is it yours?" he queried Mr. Kelly. 
  	"Sure is! But for today it's both of yours. Just be careful, Sean." 
  	"Oh, I will!" Sean looked to Jamie, grinning from ear to ear. "I didn't think he'd let us bring it!" 
  	"You didn't tell me you guys had a jetski!"  
  	"I didn't tell you we were having eggs for breakfast either, doesn't mean we won't." Sean winked mischeviously. "Don't worry, the surprises are all good!" 
  	They got to the lake soon, after the short, yet fast (and to Jamie, colorful) trip in the convertible, and found it almost empty.  There were a handful of cars on the far side, but the lake was huge, and Mr. Kelly simply pulled the convertible and the jetski onto the grass, and around the bend slightly. There was a rise, and he stopped the car for the others to pile out and sean to remove the cover off the jetski and unstrap it from the bottom before he began backing the jetski into the lake. The boys abandoned their sandals and shirts on their towels, and swam out to remove the jetski, and soon they were on it, Sean at the front, and revving it on. "Hold on," Sean grinned, and shifted. The engine caught, and sped out into the lake. Jamie latched onto Sean, and watched the spray, the wind, and the scent of the water, each with its own color rising from the lake, and parting violently from the jet ski. He watched it boil away behind them, rising and bubbling as the water underneath foamed and frothed in their wake. He whooped, a bright red mingled with yellow flash that quickly faded behind them. 
  	Sean pulled in a little closer to the shore, and increased the speed, weaving side to side to stay a safe distance from the shallows. He laughed. "Fun, right?" 
  	"Are you kidding me? This is awesome!" The words rose and fell behind them into a chaotic palette. Jamie hesitated, and yelled, "SWEET!" The word exploded from his mouth, sending flaming white and bright blue, shooting upward and outward all around the jetski, and quickly curving behind them as they continued speeding forward. He laughed with Sean. 
  	They continued rocketting around the lake, Sean concentrating on steering, and Jamie enjoying the speed, the feel, and the color of the ride. Sean began speeding around several outcroppings, and continued the conversation. "How long have you been at the home?" 
  	"About a month." Jamie knew that was far too long. Usual turnovers at the group home were quicker, only a few days, maybe a week, between foster homes. Not everybody wanted a absent minded, forgetful kid. 
  	"Oh." 
  	Jamie continued. "But it's not all bad. At least there's more kids in the same boat here. It's not like you're, well, alone." Being around people who weren't orphans, who had perfect families and perfect lives made him uncomfortable, and that didn't always have to do with his synesthesia. 
  	Sean continued driving around a corner to a larger part of the lake. He changed the subject. "Would you like to drive?" 
  	"Drive? The jetski? Sure!" He slowed down, and stood. "You stand on the left side, and I'll lean to the right, and you can squeeze in front of me." He pulled the jetski around into the deeper part of the lake, and scooted back, leaning to the right. Jamie slipped around him, and sat in front. The jetski bobbed side to side, but they stayed upright. Sean still had his right hand on the handlebar, and directed Jamie to take the clip tied to his right hand and tie it to his own hand. 
  	"What for?" 
  	"It shuts off the engine if the driver falls out. Kind of like a key." 
  	"Oh." Jamie tied it to his wrist, and then, at Sean's direction, he revved the jetski again and shot forward. Sean grabbed on and whooped, and he joined in. He liked yelling; the colors were so much more powerful, swooping up and forward, and yet they were going fast enough to leave them behind. 
  	Jamie weaved side to side like Sean had, and laughed. "This is so SWEET!" he yelled again. 
  	They followed the shoreline around the larger part of the lake, and Sean eventually switched with him again, taking the lead. "This is so awesome! The Kellys are great! I wish we all got foster families as awesome as this one!" When Sean was silent, he remembered the questions about the home, and continued with another. "Why are you wondering about the group home?" 
  	"Well, there's something I have to tell you. I suppose now is as good as ever." 
  	"What is it?" Jamie detected a strange tone, a strange shade, and he tried to figure it out.  
  	"Well, I'm not an orphan." Sean caught himself. "At least, I'm not going to be one for very long." He slowed the jetski down. 
  	"What do you mean? You're not 18 yet." 
  	"No, its... The Kellys are adopting me." 
  	Jamie felt darkness well up in him. "That's..." He struggled.  Why would he bring me here then? Why would he tell me that? 
    He tried to reconcile his image of Sean as his friend with the swelling shadows that he used to identify those who had families. 
  	"You're wondering why I'm doing all this?" He paused. "Because I want to give someone else what they gave me." 
  	Jamie froze. "What? No!" This wasn't right! It wasn't supposed to be like this! He was supposed to prove that he didn't need anybody. He didn't need a family. He didn't need... Who would ever give him a family anyway? He was too old! 
  	"No?" Sean was confused, and his grey confused "No?" rose and spiraled through the shadows rising around Jamie.  
  	Jamie fought. Everything he'd always built up, the bitterness against those who were better off, the bitterness he fed every time he came back from a foster family, every time he waited for another at the home, every time he met someone only to later be avoided by them at school. "It's not fair! It's not supposed to be like this!" 
  	Sean was upset. "I'm sorry. I thought you'd want to." He turned the Jetski back towards the car, and sped back. 
  	Jamie struggled. Everything he'd built up led to him fighting this. Nobody could ever adopt him, nobody could ever befriend him, nobody could ever want to help him. He had to prove that he could do it on his own. That was how it had always been. He felt Seans frustration in front of him, and realized that he had been befriended. He remembered Sean, and later Mrs. Kelly, asking him what color their voices were. He remembered Sean wanting him to share the weekend with them. He muffled a scream, a gutteral yell from the pit of his soul that spread out black, but slowly lightened. It was different now. It was all wrong. Somebody had befriended him, had wanted to help him, had wanted him to be a part of their lives. His fight was over.  
  	He yelled again, agonizingly, and they drew in close enough for the Kellys to see them, but not close enough for them to hear the boys. "Wait," Jamie said, and Sean slowed down. Sean didn't turn around, but he could see the colors of the pain that Sean was muffling. 
  	He fought, he struggled. Everything he had built up to keep him going, everything he had struggled for, he overturned it in his mind. He struggled, and it showed as a tear ran down his face from his eyes, shut hard. He grunted, and panted, opening his eyes. He could have a second chance. He could start over. He clung to Sean. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." His face ran wet with pain, but he forced the black to flee from him with the water from his eyes. 
  	Sean sighed, then slowed the jetski. He spun half around, keeping his right hand on the handlebar, his eyes shining. "It's ok." He grabbed Jamie with his left hand, and held him tight. "I'm sorry," Jamie repeated, and Sean cut him off. "It's ok." 
  	"Can I still..." Sean interrupted him. "Of course." Jamie broke down, but eventually composed himself. Every tear he'd shed before brought flashes of painful orange, but now, they were pale yellow, a soothing yellow that brought him comfort, cheer, gladness... He began laughing at this even in his tears, and sean began as well, as he turned to the controls. Jamie hung on, as Sean sped towards land, and Jamie laughed, laughed hard. The colors of the laughter shined and glistened in the wind, pale yellow mixed with gold and green, lime green, but they combined and sparked a dozen shades, a cacophany of colors rising and falling behind them, too beautiful for Jamie to recognize. He realized everything he'd worked for, everything he'd built himself up for was over, there was a new adventure now. He knew it would still be a long time before the Kelly family was together, and even when it was, there would be a lot more pain and a lot more trouble before he could feel this way again, but even now, he knew that he was happy, and he would have never had this happiness otherwise. He was greater than happy, he was ecstatic, he was blissfull he was... 
  	And he recognized the colors finally. They were colors he couldn't remember seeing before, but he now knew what they were, and he knew he would see them again. They replaced the darkness he'd harbored inside of him for so long, and escaped with his laughter. They were the colors of joy, and no matter how much pain and hardship he would feel from this point on, he knew he would see them again and again. 
   
   
   Publication Date: August 17th 2011 https://www.bookrix.com/-timothy.carstensen