text: Breana G More Than Life 
   
   
   Seven Days After 
   Father hung his head down while mother dug her face into my brothers arm. My grandma sniffled and wrapped her hand around her husband's hand. I looked down upon everyone, not having the ability to cry along with everyone else in the big, white church. My friends and acquaintances sat on the left side of the church. My closest friends were in the front row. At the end of the row, next to the wall, there was enough room for one more person though. 
   I scanned around, looking for one person in particular. I wondered if that was where he was going to be seated. Hearing a loud sobber come walking through the arche way in the back of the room, Jan, my best friend, staggered in with her family. The main speaker for the funeral lead the way for Jan to sit in the front row. I began to choke up a bit. I wondered where Sheldon was. I looked everywhere for him, but couldn't see him.  
   I then looked down at myself. My eyes were closed and I couldn't bare the thought of myself dead. But, right in front of me, I was settled in a soft, cozy blue coffin. My hands were rested on my stomach as my fake hair was spread evenly around my head and over my shoulders. I was wearing my favorite white dress that hung above my knees. My nails were painted the color red, while my face had barely any makeup on it.  
   I blinked in disgust. I wanted people to see me beside my coffin. I wanted people to know that I was still alive! At least I still thought I was... 
   As my eyes began to water, but nothing would flow out, I watched as the main speaker stepped up to the podium. He adjusted the microphone so it would stick out just a foot away from his lips. He cleared his throat and the church went silent.  
   "We are gathered here today to respect the passing of this beautiful, sweet, one of a kind young women, Estell. All of us here today have shared memories with her, and she is definitely someone we will never forget," he took a deep breath and tapped the hard wood he had his hands rested on.  
   His voice went silent in my ears as he began to speak again. I glanced up at the arche way and noticed someone slide in. Squinting my eyes, I noticed it was Sheldon. I waved my hands and tried to smile, but couldn't. I did everything I could to get his attention, but I had to stop myself, remembering he couldn't see me; nobody could.  
   Sheldon stood against the wall, next to plenty of others. Many people stood along the walls that surrounded the benches in the church. I had no clue that, that many people cared. 
   Scrunching my eyebrows together, I swiftly made my way through the aisle way. I honestly didn't expect Sheldon to show up. I had many reasons on why, too. 
   One: he dumped me in early October, and it had been months since we've last spoken a long conversation or anything. 
   Two: he was too scared and upset to even see me while I was in the hospital. 
   Three: we only spoke a few times on the phone while I was in the hospital, and he always had to get off the phone because something usually "came up". 
   Four: He never came and saw me. 
   Five: He stopped loving me a long time ago. At least I'm assuming so. 
   (There's many more reasons, but I don't want to list every single one out.)  
   I stood next to Sheldon. I never thought I'd stand next to him again, since the last time we saw each other was early September. He was shaking and his eyes were watery. I stood on my tippy toes and moved my lips to his ears. He closed his eyes as if he knew something was going to be said to him. 
   "Please don't cry," I whispered.  
   Sheldon's eyes quickly swung open and he looked around. I slightly smiled as my eyes filled up with tears. I questioned myself on whether he heard me or not. But, as he touched his ear and gulped, and looked in my direction, I stuck with 'he did hear me'. 
   
   
   
   80 Days Before 
   "He dumped you?!" Nick asked with loudness included in the tone of his voice. 
   I nodded my head and slightly chuckled, "yeah. He had some stupid reasons, too." 
   Nick sat down, along with me, at our usual table. "Well, what were his reasons?" 
   I cleared my throat and then let out a sigh, "he said he didn't like the distance between us, which is a stupid excuse, because he's the one who practically begged me to be his girlfriend, and what do you expect out of a long distance relationship? You obviously can't see each other every day." I paused to shake my head, "then he said he just wanted to be friends." 
   "Are you serious?" Nick questioned, taking a bite out of his sandwich. 
   I bit my bottom lip, nodding my head again, "yeah, and what I don't understand is, if he meant it when he said he loved me, why didn't he just ignore the distance like how I have been these past couple years? I mean, come on! He either was desperate to have a girlfriend, or he just wanted to hurt me again. From the stories he's told me, it seems as if he enjoys hurting others." 
   "Are you just now realizing he's a douche?"  
   I shrugged, "I mean, I've always known he was, but I never wanted to admit it, you know? I just don't wanna see that side of Sheldon. Only because he was so sweet to  me-" 
   Nick waved his hand in my face, quickly swallowing his food, which was rude, but it was a good way to make me stop talking, "no, no, no. Cheating on you or dumping you twice is not sweet. He is not sweet. Don't ever, and I mean it, call him sweet again. Never put him in the same sentence as sweet. Those two things do not mix well together." Nick took a drink out of his plastic water bottle and shook his head, "now, I'm not an expert on him, nor do I even know him, but he's not a swell guy it seems like. It's best you completely call it off with him. Tell him tonight you don't wanna talk again, or at least until you're over him." 
   I laughed, throwing my head back. I stomped the floor and grabbed my stomach. Then, suddenly going back into all-seriousness, I began to speak, "um, I've been trying to get over him for like the past two years. That boat's already sunken a long time ago, and it'll never rise up again. I don't think I'll ever get over him." 
   "See, all you girls are the same. You obviously have never tried since you took him back twice. Hell! You took him back after he cheated on you! God knows if he cheated on you this last relationship!" 
   Anger began to structure up inside me. Nick was partially right on what he had said. The part he was correct on was the "cheating" part. He could have cheated on me again. It wouldn't be a surprise, just because A: once a cheater, always a cheater! And B: it was such a random breakup, but it was also obvious the few days before he dumped me, if that makes sense? But, the part he wasn't correct on was the "you obviously have never tried" part. Of course I've tried! Maybe I didn't try hard enough, but I did my best. Honestly, in my opinion, Sheldon's just an irresistable guy. 
   "Sorry if I blew your buzz down, but I'm your friend. I can't just lie and spill out sweet words  all   the time."  
   Nick was right. I needed to know the blunt expressions and thoughts in life on different things. Not everything's going to come easy or free.  
   "Hey guys!" I heard from behind me.  
   I turned around in notice of Nick's older brother, David. "Hey," I said. 
   He sat down, putting his white foam tray on the table, "everyone'll be here in a few. There's a football meeting right now." 
   I nodded, wondering how the guys were going to act once they got to the table. Most days they were noisy, while others they were calm and chatted about football or some other sport.  
   For a few moments, things were silent between the three of us. David being the most obnoxious one, I assumed he would've said something by then. I glanced over at Nick, who was finishing up his sandwich and drinking the last bit of his water. Then I glanced at David. His lips were straight, which was rare, and he was slightly pale, which was a little out of the ordinary. 
   "What's wrong, David?" I asked. 
   Nick shot his head up and looked at me, then David. 
   David cleared his throat and put his milk carton down on the tray after opening it, "what do you mean?" 
   "Today's Wednesday. You guys usually have meetings on Friday's. You're awfully pale, you're not smiling, and you're really quiet, which isn't usual," I explained. 
   In the corner of my eye, I could see Nick pick at his carrots. He was looking down, as well as David. Something was most definitely up. I then realized Nick wasn't at the meeting. I was suddenly confused. 
   Hearing a sigh come from David, I looked up at him. He was clenching his jaw together and his knuckles were turning white. I felt as if he was getting mad at me for pointing out the obvious, so I kept my mouth shut and snuck a carrot from Nick's little bag and nibbled at it until the rest of the guys got to the table. 
     
   
   
   
   78 Days Before 
   I stood next to the football players locker room door, in hopes Nick and David would be out before they had to go to the field. But, before the deep thoughts of Nick could sink in, the smell of coffee coming closer to me had my undivided attention. 
   Turning my head, I noticed Jan holding two white chocolate ice mocha's from Starbucks. I slightly smiled as she handed me one, "my mom went into town and decided to get us some coffee. Enjoy." 
   "Tell her I said thanks," I said taking a sip out of the straw.  
   I looked at the door, looking forward to it opening by either David or Nick. I don't think Jan knew why I was standing there, so I told her I was waiting for them. 
   "Are you giving them a good luck kiss?" she asked. 
   I let out a loud sarcastic 'Hah' and raised an eyebrow, "because I would kiss a brother in front of another." 
   "Why not? They're both hot!" 
   "Well, still. That'd be weird and uncalled for. We're all friends, and no. I just couldn't." 
   "Nick most definitely needs a good luck kiss," Jan pointed out. 
   I sighed. The thought of the news everyone has been sharing with each other like it's some kind of healthy disease, made my stomach turn. I looked down at the ground and Nick's voice echoed through my mind. I felt bad, but there was nothing anyone could do to help him. 
   "Let's not talk about that right now," I offered. 
   "Talk about what?" I heard come from the door.  
   It was slowly opening and it was Nick coming out. He had a small smile on his face, and I just couldn't help but smile as well. He had his jersey on, but instead of wearing his full uniform, he just wore Nike shorts, black Nike socks, and white Nike sandals. 
   "I thought you were playing?" Jan asked with minor confusion. 
   Nick glanced down at the tiled floor, "I thought so too, until last night the doctor said I couldn't." 
   "Well, why not?"  
   "So many questions, Jan," Nick chuckled. "Because, since I'm out there a lot and running a whole bunch and shit, he thinks it could disrupt the brain stem." 
   My eyes began to water and I dropped my coffee.  
   "Seriously, Estell?!" Jan hollered. 
   I flung into Nick's arms as he stood still like a statue for a moment. He then wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head. "It's gonna be fine," He reassured me. 
   I shook my head, "why didn't I know about this until yesterday?" I paused to take a deep breath, "why didn't you or David tell me when you found out?" 
   I could feel Nick shake his head, "I didn't want anyone to know so soon, but David having a big mouth, he spilled the beans and told people. I especially didn't want you to know until later, only because I didn't wanna see you upset. So please do me a favor?" 
   My lips quivered and my eyes closed tightly. I nodded, but I guess that wasn't a good enough response. He unglued my body from his and put my chin up so my eyes could meet his, "can you do me a favor?" 
   I giggled. He was smiling, but you could easily see the agony building up in his eyes. I felt bad! "Depends," I said. 
   "Don't ever frown and don't ever cry. Smile with me and everyone else. There's honestly nothing to be upset about, alright?" 
   I nodded my head and hugged him tightly, "I'll try," I mummered. 
   "No, you're not gonna try, you're gonna do." 
   "You sound like her dad," Jan laughed. 
   I couldn't help but laugh either. It was true; my dad did sort of talk like that.  
   "I do, don't I?" Nick chuckled. 
   We let go of each other and cleaned up the spilt coffee. It was probably uncalled-for to make that little scene, but I couldn't help it. I was in shock, though.  
     
   
   
   
   Same Night 
   "Can I ask you something I've always wanted to ask?" Nick questioned. 
   "Of course," I answered. 
   He looked out into the field. The guys were playing under the bright lights, which was pretty cool. You could see the fog rolling in, and the mist in the air that was surrounding them, and everyone watching the game. The lights that reflected in Nick's eyes made the blue look gorgeous. His eyes had the endless love of mine. 
   He turned his head and caught my stare and smiled, "how does it feel to sit with all the varsity guys? You're the only girl, and I'd assume it'd be quite awkward." 
   I giggled, "your assumption is incorrect. I mean, last year it was awkward because I was a freshman and I only knew you and David. But, it's really nice and fun. Just because you guys are so carefree and sitting with you guys gives me the chance to get away from all the girl drama outside of lunch." 
   Nick nodded and looked out at the field again. "Do girls say anything about you sitting with us?" 
   I looked out into the field, too. The crowd of people in the stadium cheered as number 13, which was David's friend Michael, made a touch down. I waited until the crowd simmered down to speak, "eh, some girls do. They always ask about you and David. You guys are like the hot topic in all my classes." 
   Nick looked at me with a puzzled look, "you're kidding, right?" 
   I shook my head, "nope. I'm being serious." 
   Nick gasped and raised both his eyebrows, "how come I can't ever get a girlfriend?" 
   I giggled, "I'm sure you will soon enough. There's tons of girls lined up... Just waiting to be yours." 
   "Nuh-uh. I'm sure they're all desperate. I'm looking for a girl who likes me for me, not just for my looks or body or anything, you know? I just want a girl to  actually  like me." 
   "I understand." 
   "Yeah. But, I don't think that'll happen any time soon," he quietly said.  
   I looked down at my lap, "why's that?" 
   "Wanna take a drive?" Nick offered. 
   I looked around for a clear pathway. We were literally in the middle of the student section, and it wasn't going to be an easy predicament to get out of.  
     
   By the time we got to Nick's car, it was half time. We only had about 40 minutes until we had to be back before the game was over. It was cold inside, and him having an older car, it was going to take a while for it to warm up inside. 
   "You know, I should be out with the team right now. I must've looked weird standing in the stadium with my jersey," Nick said chuckling and driving out of the parking lot. 
   "How come you weren't out there then?" 
   He turned the car out to the road that lead to the main part of the country. It seemed as if it was an endless stretch of farmland and road. It was nice though. 
   "Uh, well, I got out of it I guess? I asked coach if I could just stay up in the stadium to see what it would be like to actually watch. And since he knows about my length of time left in life-" 
   "Length of time left in life?" I cut in. 
   Nick sped the car up a bit. It started to get warmer inside. My eyes widened and I couldn't stop staring at him with my watery eyes. 
   He gulped and blinked a few times, "yeah. I have a limited amount of time left. The tumor is getting worse. I honestly should be in the hospital right now, but I requested to live my life and wish the best of it. I told them I didn't wanna be crammed in a bed and have to lay there all day, every day." 
   A tear streamed down my face. I wanted to bawl. But, not being the kind to cry in front of others, I stayed strong and wiped the tear away. I looked out the windshield and thought of what to say next. I was almost speechless. 
   "How much time do you have? If you don't mind me asking," I held my hands together so tight they started getting sweaty. It began to get hot in the car, but I didn't bother to say anything. I didn't know if he was still cold or not. 
   "Well, they're estimating about two or three months. Depends on if I stay in the hospital or not.  Or  if I take chemotherapy. Which I'm not going to. I have school to worry about and I wanna spend time with family and friends. I also don't wanna lose my hair," Nick laughed. You could hear the misery in his laugh. It wasn't a warming laugh, honestly. 
   "Wouldn't it just be better off if you stayed in the hospital, Nick? I know it'd be very miserable, but really..." I trailed off. I didn't know what else to say with out bursting into tears. 
   "Yeah, it would be better off. But that's not what I want. I honestly just wanna live, not lay in my death bed." 
   I nodded in slight agreement. "I just don't wanna lose you," I said with a soft, shaky voice. 
   That's when I broke. For once I cried in front of someone. The tears didn't stop and I was embarrassed, "oh God!" I said under my breath. 
   Nick pulled the car over and unbuckled. He scooted over on the bench seat to me and wrapped his arms around me, "please don't cry. I'm not worth your tears." 
   "Whatever!" I pushed him off of me and stared deeply into his eyes. He didn't understand how much he meant to me. "You've been my best friend since like kindergarten and we've been through a lot together! I don't like what you're going through, and I'm pretty sure you don't either! You're not being smart and I just-,"I paused to take a deep breath, "I don't know, Nick. I just don't wanna lose you. That's all." 
   "I know," his lips quivered and he looked away. I noticed a tear flow down his soft cheek, which only made more come down my cheeks. I felt bad for ruining the free spirited moment, but it was time to break down our emotions together. 
   "I'm sorry," I quietly said. 
   Nick rubbed his chin and shook his head. He erased the tear from his cheek and still looked out the windshield, "about what?" 
   "About everything. I didn't mean to make you cry or get into this subject," I began to cry more, but I kept it to myself by doing it silently. 
   He took a deep breath and looked at me, "don't be sorry, Stell." 
   I slightly smiled and cleared all the tears from both my cheeks.  
   "Can I tell you a secret?" Nick asked. 
   "Of course," I smiled. 
   Nick took a deep, heavy, but steady breath. He sat back and relaxed a bit, while twiddling his thumbs. "So homecoming's coming up soon. Like, next Saturday," he began, "and I think I wanna ask a girl, but I don't know." 
   I laughed, "how's that a secret?" 
   "Well, 'cause... I don't know," he laughed, as well. 
   "Okay then?" I said scrunching my eyebrows together as my laugh began to fade away, but my smile was still there to stay. 
   "I like her, too. And have for a while now." 
   "Does she like you back?" 
   "That's the thing. I have no clue." 
   "Well, ask her." 
   "What if I'm scared to?" 
   "Why would you be scared?" 
   Nick chuckled. He shook his head, "because, I just am." 
   I hit his arm playfully and still smiled, "dude, grow a pair of balls and ask her to homecoming." 
   He started to laugh and looked into my eyes, "you're starting to sound like the guys. Should I be scared?" 
   "No," I giggled resting my hands in between my knees. 
   I looked out my window as things got silent. Wind was swiftly moving the leaves on trees and horses in the distance were prancing around a decent sized field. I felt comfortable and relaxed. I was glad we were off the topic about what Nick was going through. Homecoming was a much brighter topic that I could deal with. 
   "Stell," Nick softly said startling me. 
   I turned my head and gave him my undivided attention, just like how I did with the coffee from earlier that evening. "Nick," I mocked with a still smile. 
   He smiled back and looked down at his hands; then he looked at me. "I like you," he put his words on hold for a second. "Like, a lot." 
   I opened my mouth, wanting to speak, but didn't know what to say exactly. 
   "I know this might be weird, but I have for a long time now," Nick said. 
   I closed my mouth. I liked Nick, but not in that sense. Well, maybe. He was different from most guys and I liked that most about him. He wasn't the type who played around. He actually was quite picky with the choices of girls he had, and to find out he liked me, gave me some butterflies, but also some confusion. It  was  weird he liked me. 
   Why  me? 
   
   
   
   71 Days Before 
   Nick and I stood in front of the camerman with bright smiles. I was held in his warm arms as the camera flashed. I tried my hardest not to blink as the flash went, just so I wouldn't ruin the pictures for the both of us. 
   "He blinked," the man said.  
   I laughed along with Nick, "sorry!" he apologized. 
   It had been about the third time he blinked. I almost wanted to tape his eye lids open! 
   Another flash came as we stood in the same position. "Perfect!" the man said. The pictures instantly printed off so we could see them. He handed them to us with a kind smile, which was rare from the photographers our school paid to have. 
   I scanned one of the photos and realized, having twenty photos of the same picture was pretty boring. 
   "Can you print out all the mistakes for us?" I smiled. 
   The guy did his magic and printed out the three messed up photos. He was weirded out at first, you could totally see it in his eyes, but I told him before we made our way through to go to the dance, it was for special memories we could hold forever. He then understood. 
   Nick and I split up the pictures so we could give them away to whomever the next day. All the pictures were cute. Not going to lie, but Nick did look pretty great in a suit.  
   As we approached the gym, people swarmed around in the middle, dancing. My heart began to beat a little faster, and I was a little nervous. It was my first formal dance and I didn't know exactly what to do, especially since I couldn't dance.  
   "Let's look for the guys!" Nick offered. 
   I nodded in agreement and followed him as we made our way though people to where the guys were. I saw David standing next to his date, which was the homecoming queen.  
   "Hi, Estell!" she said. 
   Her name was Esther Robin. She had some kind of mental disability, and for David to take her to homecoming, it really showed how much of a man he was. He talked about her at lunch the week before, and always said how she loved football and had gone to every game so far. It honestly was really cute. 
   "Hey, Esther!" I smiled with a slight wave. 
   She smiled back and wrapped her hands around David's arm. He glanced down at her with a warm, kind smile and then back up at the guys as they ranted on about last nights win. Esther ended up getting into the conversation, as well, and so did Nick. I wanted to say something, but didn't. I wasn't really in the mood to mingle, which was strange. But, I honestly just wanted to talk to Nick-one on one. 
   As a few songs went on by, we all still stood in a circle. I expected the guys to dance and go all crazy, but it was just the beginning of the dance. I figured they would just warm up after a while.  
   "What's wrong?" I heard Nick ask. 
   I looked up at him. He had a reason to ask, even though I hated it when people asked me that question. But, I wasn't saying much. "Oh, nothing!" I smiled. It was true. Nothing was wrong. I just didn't know what to do. For once I felt awkward and wanted to step outside for some fresh air. So, I told Nick that. 
   "Want me to come with you?" 
   I shrugged, "if you want to." 
   I made my way through crowds of sweaty bodies grinding and dancing all over the place. I could sense Nick was following me, so I didn't bother to turn around to make sure.  
   By the time we made it outside, sprinkles slowly came down from the sky. It felt nice and welcoming, but it made me want to stay outside for the remaining time we had left at the dance.  
   "You look very nice tonight," I said breaking the silence between Nick and I. 
   He looked down at me with a blushing smile, "and you look very beautiful tonight." 
   I rested my hand over my heart. I was sure he had won it, just like how his gorgeous eyes did. I smiled and could feel my cheeks burn with a slight hint of "I'm flattered" to it, "why, thank you, Nick." 
   He nodded, still smiling, "anytime." 
   We stood in silence for a little while longer, which didn't bother me. What bothered me was the fact we were running out of things to say it seemed like. I didn't want that between us, nor did I want things to get weird after that night. I knew whatever happened then, we couldn't let it ruin anything we had.  
   "Thank you for going with me tonight. It really meant a lot." 
   I looked up at Nick with a smiling sigh. I blinked as he caught my stare, and my heart then skipped a beat as he smiled back, "anything for my best friend." 
   As our eyes locked, I could feel my hand being touched. I didn't bother to look down as I could feel his fingers slowly slide in between mine. Butterflies began to explode with much excitement, and as crazy as it sounded, I began to think Sheldon was out of the equation.  
   At least for that night he was... 
   
   
   Publication Date: May 9th 2014 https://www.bookrix.com/-zdb3e22ddc2da15