text: Shy Shy If He Only Knew  What goes around comes around 
   
   
   Leaving Early 
   It's only noon and already, I cannot wait to get out of here.  If I leave early, I can spend a couple of hours in our new house, not even a week moved in, not completely unpacked but happy just the same.  I would have to stop by Lance's job and get the key.  "My baby Lance, best chef in Rockville.  Hmmm, some of those ribs would hit the spot right now." 
    I chose not to give him a call for a heads up that I was on my way at 2:30.  My phone was flashing in the car.  Text message from a crazy ex....his crazy ex.  What the eff?  Here is my perfect day going to hell.  I was thinking, once he got off and got home, we could have some crazy sex.  Back him into the wall, groping him, and forcing him to forget all about being mad at me, ha, as if he had any room to be mad anyway. 
   Constantly, when he was in the wrong, he always found a way to flip anything just like there's a good excuse, and why can't I answer questions but expect some answers.  He went into the account, lost the money, tried to say sorry but too soon flipped on me about not getting enough ass.  I shouldn't care, and honestly I really didn't but I was horny, so today, I was going to satisfy my craving before I went stark cold again. 
   "Is L with you?  His phone is off?  Tell him I want my shit back?  do ya'll live together?" 
   This woman had sent text after text and phone calls while I was at work.  I picked up the phone and called her back.  As the phone rang, I prepared myself for what I was about to hear. 
   
   
   
   FYI 
    "Hello? Michelle? This is Nikki, is Lance with you?" 
   "Um, no he is not, I'm working and why are you calling my phone looking for him?" 
   "Well he is supposed to be your man, but he's been telling me that ya'll aren't together, he owes me money and I have his stuff that he left at my house just last week." 
   "Excuse me?  Last week." 
   "Yes, he asked me just last week if he can move in with me." 
   "Well we live together now as of last week." 
   "I knew it!  He took my $800 and moved in with another woman!  I'm not a trouble maker, he has been deceiving both of us and I am pissed off.  I want my money back and he can go to hell, he's on his way to jail anyway.  Did you know that he is a wanted man?  He missed his court date and now there is a warrant out for his arrest." 
   You'd think I'd be in shock, but I wasn't, I'd prepared myself for something like this.  My intuition was good, but no matter how good,  I always hoped I'd be wrong.  I knew he was lying about getting rid of all these women he had in his life to be dedicated to me. 
   "Well look, I'm on my way to his job, so let me call you back Nikki," I said sarcastically.  No need getting pissed off at her, she was hurt too, only I wasn't feeling mine.  There was a void where hurt should be.  
   Pulling up to the steakhouse cuisine restaurant, I pull out my body spray and mist a little.  It wouldn't be much of a surprise that I stopped by because he was holding the only key to the house right now and I would need it to get in.  I pucker up and freshen my lip gloss and proceed to exit the car to enter the restaurant.  My heels clicking and heart racing, I walk up to the counter and wait. 
   *** 
   Son of a bitch!  He's been having me fooled all this time, for the past week and a half.  I could not believe it, I had to ask again.  
   "The police came in her looking for him in uniform, and I don't think the boss liked that so I think he got fired."  That's what the young girl at the register told me.  All this time I'm thinking he is working, while we moved into the house and the asshole has been lying to me.  We just moved in and the burden of knowing everything would fall on my shoulders didn't sit well.  I was nausious. 
   I get back into the car, hands shaking and pull out a black n mild.  My nerves were bad, something needed to settle.  As I make my way home through town, mind racing, I finally pull into the front yard.  The TV is on , the xbox game is running and it is football.  I see clearly the Kansas City Chiefs and Patriots are against each other.  It paused.  I knock on the door.  He wasn't moving fast enough, matter of fact, I hadn't heard him move at all.  I banged harder.  He opens the door.  The look on his face read caught, but oh he didn't really know what for yet. 
     
   
   
   
   Surprise Visit 
    "Hey baby, what you didn't go to work today?' I spoke first.  He had backed far away from me.  He was shirtless, wearing a pair of black gym shorts and socks, clearly he hadn't gotten his ass up out of bed and showed up to work like he said. 
   "Hey honey, no, I a, I called out.  Why are you banging on the door like that?" 
   "Oh, I wanted to make sure you heard me, i saw you playing the game through the window and I wanted you to hear me over the volume," I smiled and walked past him into the kitchen.  I pulled out a seat a the kitchen table and sat down looking at my phone.  Nikki had text me and asked if he was working.  I told her he was fired just before I walked in the door, she said, we need to see him together.  I agreed.  
   "So, I'm listening, what do you want to talk about?" 
   "Nothing," I said, lying.  Clearly, he knew there was something, but he didn't deserve to be put out of his misery so soon. 
   I stood and walked down the hall into the bedroom and removed my sweater.  He was right behind me.  I turn around and place my hands on his shoulder. 
   "So I was thinking when I got off early, that I could come home and wait for you.  That we could consumate and let me lick all over your body and empty all your juice into my mouth." 
   "Well what makes you think that I was just going to submit to you after everything we talked about?" 
   "Because baby, I was just hoping that you wouldn't turn me down and be willing to see what I had to offer you today, I mean, my cycle just went off and your argument wasn't really an argument due to the fact, know what I mean.  So are you turning me down?" I asked as I pressed against him, running my hand down his side while resting the other on the wall behind him.  I leaned in smelling him as I cupped his testicles and felt him harden beneath his pants.  I watched him biting into his bottom lip.  He was thinking exactly what I wanted him to think. 
   Very seductively, I said to him, " so I went by your job so I could see you and get the key and come home to get ready for you."  The vein in his temple popped out as he clinched his teeth. 
   "And you know what they told me?" He swallowed, preparing himself for my next words.  "They told me you had been fired two weeks ago." 
   He looked like a sad puppy. 
   "Baby, I was going to tell you." 
   "Tell me when Lance," I was still holding his balls.  He didn't dare shift. 
   "Probably the end of this week, I knew I couldn't keep it from you that long." 
   I brought my hand down and put my arms around his neck.  "You have warrants for your arrest, the police showed up to your job in uniform." 
   He shook his head, "I didn't know that, anyone went looking for me." 
   I dropped my hands and walked back into the kitchen.  He followed, stopping at the corner of the hallway and living room with his hands in his pocket.  The doorbell rang.  I turned and looked at him, his body shifted, looking at the door.  He finally walks over and I assume, looks out the window.  His steps quicken and he comes to the doorway. 
   "Why is Nikki at our front door?" 
   I get up from my seat and casually walk to the front door. 
   "Did you invite her to our house?" 
   I didn't answer.  I opened the door and there she was, in the flesh.  she was wearing nursing scrubs, bright colored turquise pants and a pink top with some designs etched all over them.  He hair was pulled back into a long but really thin pony tail.  She had a scar in the corner of her mouth right above her right dimple.  I opened the door and directed her in. 
   He must have disappeared when i opened the door and then he showed back up standing on the corner of the hallway and living room once again looking a little intimidated, glaring, tryng not to react to the highly uncomfortable situation I placed him in. 
   She stopped right in front of him. 
   "What are you doing showing up to our house," he asked her calmly. 
   I was puzzled. 
   "What the fuck Lance, you just asked me last week to move in with me and here you are moved in with another woman!" 
   I rested my shoulder on the corner, placing an amused smile on my face, watching his every move and facial expression.  He said nothing. 
   Her anger rose and she cursed him with everything she had.  Taking out her phone and scrolling through the messages, she handed it to me, I took it and read through them as he watched me entertain it with nervous eyes. 
   She threatened him numberous times, but showed concern about losing her job. 
   "And you just gon stand there and look dumb and not say nothing Lance?" 
   "Are you finished?" he asked her. 
   "Fuck you, you don't care about nobody but yourself.  I'm a good woman and I know she probably is too," pointing in my direction, "one day you are going to get yours, you gon end up with fucking AIDS cause you don't know how to keep your dick in your pants!  I'm done with you, I love you but I have been stupid and I'm fucking done!" 
   She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry for my language and I thank you for allowing me to come over here and show you just how worthless your man is, because he's been playing us both, and I hope for your sake, you can leave him alone just like I'm doing, because he will use you up till he can't use you anymore." 
   I told her she was welcome and walked her out of the front door. 
   
   
   
   Leaving 
    Lance was leaving, he had until Friday.  He begged and pleaded for forgiveness giving the dumbest answers I ever heard for his cheating ass.  
     
   He thought that I was suspicious and sending messages from work just like I do him.....Stupid. 
   He was afraid of not having someone to fall back on.....Stupid. 
   He was just using her and playing games.....Stupid 
   She was the only one who came between our relationship.....Now he thinks I'm Stupid. 
     
   He says he is going to a shelter, but after calling around they didn't have any space for him until Friday.  Now, I've never stayed in a shelter, but I know good and well if someone says that don't have nowhere to go, if they don't have room they don't just give a date when you can come lay up on one of their cots.  Who does he think he's fooling? 
     
   I walked out the door feeling numb and void of any emotion. 
     
   After returning from the gym, I was feeling good, I hopped in the shower, and layed across my bed.  I said nothing to the piece of shit that sat at the table looking at me with sad eyes, sniffling like he had been crying.  My mental thoughts were "Fuck you and your fake ass crying". 
     
    He was a wonderful chef and had prepared dinner so I didn't have to worry about it.  He didn't have to cook.  I didn't want him to, there was plenty of spagetti left from the night before when I cooked a quick meal.  I didn't always need a chef surprise and I didn't always want to cook a four course meal.  I had been missing spagetti.  I made a mental note not to eat what he prepared and to get a plate of spagetti if I chose to eat.  
     
   I heard is foot steps down the hall.  He opened the door and hands me two pieces of paper.  It is a letter. 
     
   "I'm not trying to convince you in any way to let me stay, I just want you to read this when you have time. I will be out by Friday and all I ask is that you give me time to remove the pieces of furniture that belong to me." 
     
   "Ahem, all that needs to be out before the end of the weekend, you can get a storage, I don't care how you do it, just remove it without making several trips back here.  We are done, and I want to see the least of you possible." 
     
   "Will you still let me see the kids?" 
     
   My heart jumped.  I didn't know what to say.  He needed to be out of my life, like all the way out.  Just as I was about to speak there was a knock at the door.  I turned quickly to go to the living room to answer it. 
     
   I know that I should have looked through the peep hole, that's what they are made for, so that you can check out your visitor before opening the door to prevent unwanted contact from strangers or pestering family members.  I should have asked who it was before touching the door knob, but my mind was in a different place.  Even though, I seemed to be non emotional, my heart was breaking inside.  Lance loved my kids, probably a bit more than I thought he loved me.  My boys loved him.  He was more of a father to them than their own father.  I hated having to explain to them that Lance would be gone and he couldn't be part of our lives moving forward.  He could never be trusted again. 
     
   Turning the door knob, my stomach began to spin, facing the person on the other side would be my first test of how I was holding up after facing this terrible disaster that had just become apart of my life. 
     
   I opened the door and there she was again, angry and erect. I was confused, why was she back on my door step.  I heard footsteps behind me, I knew it was him, her body shifted when she saw him and that's when I saw it, in her left hand was a hand gun.  My eyes widened as a lump rose in my throat practically suffocating me. 
   "Oh my God," it was only a whisper but I knew she heard me as she raised the gun and I turned to run with her body already in the doorway. 
     
   POW! POW! 
     
   It burned, it burned so bad as my body was falling all I could think was how do I get out of this alive.  Should I play dead or should I turn around and fight?  Suddenly I felt my back jerk and retract.  I was in agony and my shoulder seered with pain. 
     
   "Nikki stop, what are you doing," I heard him scream.  "Don't do this, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, put the gun down!" 
   "You just didn't know how to stop did you? I fucking hate you and I hope you die," it was barely audible, either she was weeping or I was losing consciousness. 
     
   POW! POW! POW! 
     
   CLANK! 
     
   I heard the door slam.  She's gone, I thought.  Please let her be gone.  Let her be gone, and dear God, please please let me live.  Suddenly it all went black. 
   
   
   
   I Never Meant to 
   
    Lance Pov 
   
     
   
   
   Hello?  Hello?  Where am I?  What happened?  How did I get here?  Everything is so dark.  I can't see.  Oh God, oh God, am I dead? 
   
   
     
   Laughter erupted from behind him.  Lance snatched his head around and finally saw light and a little house that he recognized.  He walked toward it.  Inside he could still hear laughter, the laughter of children and adults.  He knocked on the door, but no one answered.  He knocked again more intensely.  He didn't want to be rude, but he was in dire need of help, he was lost and didn't know how he got here. 
     
   
   
   I must have blacked out somehow. 
   
   
     
   Still no one came to the door.  He opened the door and stepped inside and there before him was his siblings wrestling around on the floor, and behind them he saw himself, at aged 9.  There was his brother, 6, his aunts who were growing up with him, 8 and 10 and his sneaky little sister, 5.  His mother was in the kitchen having a conversation with the devil himself, his stepfather and it looked uncomfortable and heated.  He called out to her, but she remained the same.  No one could hear him, no one knew he was there.  He saw his mother slapped to the kitchen counter by his step father.  It was a memory.  Just then he knew what would happen, is little brother Leon ran to the kitchen, hearing the screams of his mother and snatches a butcher knife off of the counter, jumped on his step father's back and plunged the knife in. 
     
   Just then the scene changed.  I was in a hospital and looking down, there was a baby girl in a car seat.  I saw the mother of my now fifteen year old child sitting in a wheel chair on the day of my daughter's discharge.  I remember, she was waiting for me to take them home, but I never showed up.  I could feel my heart breaking and wanted to cry, the way she was sitting there waiting for me.  Was I feeling her pain?  
     
   The day Cynthia showed up at home early from work, there was a black Nissan Sentra in the driveway.  I never heard her walk in and when she opened the door to me in bed with my other girl, I remembered I didn't care, she would forgive me.  But the memory gave me a flinch.  I watched as months and months played by of her trying to forgive me, but the evidence that I was still seeing other women kept bringing it back.  Suddenly my chest was stinging and I felt rage.  I was so overwhelmed, my head wanted to explode.  I walked down the hall where my feet took me to the bedroom Cynthia and I once shared and she was standing there at the side of the bed, where my human body lay sleeping with rage in her eyes and a knife to her side and the thoughts of death in her heart.  The phone rings and as my body moved, she snapped out of it and slipped out of the room.  I remembered that day when I looked up and saw her leaving the room suddenly and wondering why she didn't answer they phone on the bed stand.  I never realized, she was on the verge of killing me that day. 
     
   Dozens and dozens of scenes replayed before me, the broken hearts attacking my skin, body and soul, until I saw Michelle.  I knew the pain was over.  This one, the one, I truly fell in love with.  I was shitty to her in the beginning,  I still saw Nikki and worked out ways to spend time with them both, but most of it went to Michelle.  I wanted to settle down and marry her.  After I got exposed a few months ago, I dedicated myself to making her happy and to get her to trust me again.  I did....I did continue to see Nikki every once in a while, but now Michelle and I were moved in together and I swore that I was done with all that. 
     
     
     
     
   
   
   
   Burning from the inside 
   Nikki POV: 
     
   I was angry, I was hurt.  All I can think about was revenge.  The first time I talked to that girl Michelle, I thought that would be enough.  I thought I could leave Lance alone and she would too, hell, I had almost 2 years with him and she told me they hadn't been together that long.  I don't know why, I just could not leave it alone.  The bastard told me out of his own mouth that he was working on making things right with his "girl".  What?  I was supposed to be his girl!  I left alone friends and familly to make him happy, I can only imagine what he is telling her.  
     
   I've heard about them having family get togethers and parties at their house together.  They were living together and there is nothing that I can do but bury myself in a bath of self pity.  Why did he do this to me.  I'm so pissed.  I'm so hurt and all I want to do is make someone else hurt too.  I can't hurt him, I know this now, unless I can hurt her.  He must love her.  
     
   I left messages, texted and several calls, still, this girl didn't answer.  All of a sudden I hear her voice on the other end of the reciever, she had answered my call. 
     
   "Hello? Michelle? This is Nikki, is Lance with you?"  I asked quisically. 
     
   This was my chance, my opportunity.  I told her everything, even making up some things in between.  What difference did it make, he was still cheating on her with me, but then again, didn't her cheat on me with her?  I felt no remorse.  I needed my $800 back that he had gotten from me to find a place.  I knew he used it so that they could move in together but I was buying his bullshit because I wanted his love and I thought I could put an end to this thing he had with this woman.  I always did.  They never lasted long and then he was back with me full time, whispering sweet nothings in my ear as usual.  I loved him for the way he made me feel for the time being, and right now, I felt he had actually fallen for this girl since he shut me out.  I was beginning to hate her. 
     
   The thought of everything he has put me through even after I had been there for him and he started a life with someone else.  I want him to know how it feels.  
     
   Nikki goes to her bedroom closet and takes down the shoe box from the shelf.  She opens it to reveal the hand gun her brother gave her  when he wanted to rid himself of the gun he used to commit a robbery.  She never shot a gun before, never had a reason too, but as hurt as she was, all she wanted to do was hurt him.  
     
   She pulled up infront of the house.  Both cars were home.  She didn't expect his so called woman to be home, she knew she worked out and expected her to be at the gym from what her status read on facebook just 30 minutes ago, she was on her way.  Nikki waited a while, to see if Michelle would leave, but the anticipation was too much.  She saw the shadow of Lance cross the window and anger swelled up inside of her.  Taking the gun from the passenger seat she switched off the safety as tears fell from her eyes, angry tears from swollen eyes. 
     
   Nikki slowly stepped out of the car, leaving the door ajar.  Walking up to the house she could hear her pulse beating in her ears.  The consistent drum beating and blood flowing adrenaline while walking up those steps, she didn't even realize she had opened the screen and knocked on the front door. 
     
   Michelle opened the door.  Nikki just stared at her.  The woman looked confused, then petrified when she saw the gun, Nikki moved forward seeing the man come behind her that she wanted to hurt.  Suddenly she heard from Michelle, "Oh my God", Nikki then focused and pointed the gun on the retreating woman and fired. 
     
   "Nikki stop, what are you doing," I heard him scream. "Don't do this, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, put the gun down!" 
     
   "You just didn't know how to stop did you? I fucking hate you and I hope you die." 
     
   POW! POW! POW! 
   
   
   
   Something about the past 
          Michelle was a beautiful woman of 29.  She made a career in the criminal justice field as a parole officer with no children and was a woman of integrity and morals, yet always seemed to make the committment to a man whom had a lot going for himself, yet had the worst conceitment and outlook on life.  
     
   She assumed this man would be different.  They started a life together, entwined their finances and responsibilities.  Lance was a good guy and an excellent father to his children, but he had a thing for attention.  He felt he could have any woman he wanted. 
     
   Lance had a childhood filled with black eyes by his stepfather, no protection from his mother, estrangement from his father, and loneliness from the entire ordeal from his mother disowning him for the comfort of her battered yet priviledged life with her husband.  To him women were a disappointment.  He carried a huge hole in his heart and for him, never committing to someone who would be a disappointment to him was not neccessary.....until he met Michelle Johnson.  
     
   He wanted to do the right thing, cancel all his social media accounts, change his number, be upfront and honest, and he thought he would, it just didn't happen as it should have.  Being a womanizer for so long, it now seemed like an addiction, and when they would have a falling out, it was only natural for him to gravitate toward someone else for affection.  He had a problem, he knew he needed help or else he was going to lose everything that he ever wanted that he had right now at this moment.  He didn't want to hurt Nikola, but he didn't love her either.  He never wanted to be with her indefinitely, never crossed his mind, but she was devoted and crazy in love with him.  He loved the attention and neediness from her toward him.  If he only knew the consequences behind that. 
     
   Nikola Shockley was a deeply troubled woman whom had been hurt and burned several times in her life from her father, to her husband who up and left her for someone else while heavily pregnant with her daughter five years ago.  He beat her, kept her from family and friends, yet after having him thrown in jail and then promising it would never happen again, he just left her telling her to never contact him because she wasn't shit and every man woudl beat her because she wasn't shit and then they would leave her.  Little did she know, he had already had a whole other family the entire time with two other children whom he went on to marry one week after their divorce was finalized.  She embarked out and had several other relationships,  with hand problems,  drug problems and they all hit her.  Until she met Lance. 
     
   Lance was a handsome man, young and bald.  She was working at a daycare when he came in one day to pick up his son.  For the next week, he was there every afternoon, asking her how she was doing, flashing his winning smile when he picked up his son.  He always genuinely cared about whether she had a good day or not, and that one Friday, when she seemed like she had all the weight of the world on her shoulders and looked evil.  He asked her out for coffee for the next morning at the starbucks.  That's how it all started.  He never hit her, had never touched drugs or smoked a cigarette.  He was a devoted father and he even went to church.  He didn't even drink coffee, instead he enjoyed a hot chocolate that morning.  She was head over heels in love. 
     
   Lance had a childhood where in a home with a woman whom was supposed to protect him, his mother was an accomplice to harsh beatings, degrading comments, embarrassing moments, and attending church where members thought his parents were perfect.  Everyone's kids in the family lived them, kids parents would die, and his would take custody, recieving the death benefits meant for the children, buying fancy cars, a home and forcing the children to work to buy school clothes and pay rent.  He was locked in the bedroom days at a time, only to be let out for school and to return, with no dinner and a pot to piss in.  He left home at 15 and never looked back.  All of his siblings and cousins were under their control, but would finally escape later, leaving his mother and step father to attempt to actively steal their children from right under their noses.  They didn't abuse these kids though, for they were granted to them by the court.  His real father was kept from him.  When he found him, he had six months to live, and then he died, but not before telling Lance how much he loved him and wished they had more time. 
     
   He was a hurt man, a broken man, who knew nothing about love but that it hurt.  He hurt everyone he came across, while telling them he loved them.  It was true, but caos was all he knew.  When he met Michelle and got to know her, he never thought that he would actually consider marriage one day.  He also realized that because he REALLY loved her, she could be the one to hurt him, so he continued to play his games, wanting to stay ahead.  All along, not realizing that his life could change and he'd lose her anyway on his own through his wrong doing. 
   
   
   
   Really Unreal 
     She's been out for two weeks!  What if she doesn't make it?  If she dies....if my baby dies, I'll kill him!   
   She's not going to die.  Didn't you hear the doctor's she is getting stronger and stronger everyday?   
     
   Michelle opens her eyes slowly to see her mother and step-father whispering in the corner.  She couldn't understand why she couldn't move, or what they were talking about.  What baby girl?  Her voice was lost somehow and her throat hurt terribly.  Everything seemed cloudy and there were white walls surrounding her.  With all her strenghth, she still didn't seem to be able to say anything.  Tired, she drifted back off, out of reality, away from the sound of her mother's worrying voice and her step-father's attempt at calming her.  Didn't he know by now, she couldn not be calmed? 
     
   Michelle: 
     
   I like it here, it's peaceful.  Looks like Africa, no drama, no labor, just utopia. 
   
   Chelle, you can't stay. 
   
   Why not?  I'm already here. 
   
   You don't belong here, I already told you that. 
   
   But daddy!  I don't want to go, I've missed you so much!  Can't I just stay a little while longer and talk with? 
   
   I've missed you too baby girl, but I've been watching you all these years, you will be okay. 
   
   If I must, I will go back, but first, please walk the praire with me, just one more time, I want to watch the children play with the animals. 
   
   Absolutely baby girl. 
   
     
   "Michelle?  Michelle?"  A gentle male's voice hovered over her calling her name.  "Oh, my God, Michelle, please wake up, I see your eyes you want to wake up". 
     
   Suddenly her eyes opened and standing above her was a masculine, bald, handsome young face.  Michelle didn't know who this man was, where she was, or why she was lying down with this man over top of her.  Worst off, she couldn't move, her voice was being caught by some tubing.  She was frightened at her seemingly vegetative state. 
     
   "Oh God, you are awake," he whispered.  "Michelle, it's okay, oh my god, I'm so happy you are awake, don't move, I'll get the doctor!" 
     
   "Michelle Warren, hello, I am your doctor, Dr. Spencer.  Young lady, we have been waiting on you to wake up for quite sometime now.  Now I do not want you to try and speak, but Michelle, you are in the hospital and you had some trauma to your internal organs and your lower spine.  I am going to take this pen here and use it on your foot.  Squeeze my hand if you can feel this." 
     
   There was a tickle under the bottom of her foot that caused Michelle to wiggle her toes just a little and she gave the doctor a light squeeze. 
     
   "Good Michelle." 
     
   There was another tickle on the bottom of her right foot. 
     
   "Excellent Michell!" "Wow I am really amazed.  I believe that you are going to be up and back to yourself in no time.  For now, I'm going to send in your nurse so she can go over some things with you as far as getting you back eating regularly.  Now that you are awake, I'm sorry to say, you should probably be getting some rest." 
     
   Dr. Spencer was talking so fast, or so it seemed, Michelle just looked at him with a blank stare, almost completely void of strenghth, should didn't even attempt to nod her head.  As she closed her eyes, the man known only as Dr. Spencer left an impression behind the shade of her lids. 
     
     
   
   
   
   Lan-Ce-Lost 
   Lance: 
     
   There was a time in my life, when I was young, I said I would grow up to be a good man, not the one that I watched use and abuse my mother.  Not the one who beat the kids who were not his and he didn't even love until they couldn't walk for days at a time.  Not the one who ran around on my mother only to watch her gravel at his feet and love him more than she loved those whom she gave life.  I was going to be a good man, start a family, have kids and love them unconditionally and see that they never had to endure the pain that I had in my lifetime if I had anything to do with it.  I was going to work hard, love my family, and overcome. 
     
   I blamed my ways on not being loved enough as a child.  I admit, I didn't really know how to love anyone unconditionally.  I loved every woman for conditional reasons only.  What one lacked the other one had it for me.  If she is mad, then I know the other is going to rub my back, let me attack her blissfully and then when I'm done with her, I'm on my way to the next one, selling the same dreams and the same future that was never going to happen. 
     
   As I moved on to my next victim, I was still stringing that crazy girl along.  Perhaps, she was a little crazier because of me.  Sure was just so crazy about me.  It was my fault though.  I kinda feel sorry for her, sorry for what I did to her, sorry for what I put her through.  I had no idea she would be that sensitive.  I made time for Nikki and Michelle, but Michelle made it so hard, that Nikki knew there had to be someone else.  I never made her a priority which is why I could go and stay away from her days at a time, weeks even, but I talked to her everyday, all day with every excuse in the world why she wasn't seeing.  I'm out of town with Michelle and my son to see my daughter, but I told her it was only me.  She didn't understand why she wasn't invited, but I told her, it was just for me and the kids.  She bought it, she always bought it, as long as it wasn't right in her face. 
     
   I was being more honest with myself now, more than ever.  I didn't stay over at her place anymore, because, I was always with Michelle, until she went to work.  I even adjusted my work schedule to have certain mornings off, and on Mondays to make up a few hours to see Nikki.  I wasn't as good juggling women, so it was only those two.  Michelle, ha, she's smart and she's focused.  She kept a watchful eye, but when the cat is away, the mice will play.  Honestly, she was the boss and I was the dog.  I knew it was something about her, and I wish that I had learned a long time ago to get right, but I didn't.  I thought I was going to die that night Nikki showed up and shot the both of us.   My life flashed before my eyes and all I felt was misery.  I was afraid that she took the woman that I had finally felt I never wanted to lose away from me. 
     
   Michelle, Michelle, I didn't know that when I met her, she would make me look at the world in a whole other way.  She was smart, funny, fun, spiritual, loving, giving, understanding.  She read me like a book that she had read over and over and knew every inch of it.  She still gave me a chance and the worst part is, she knew it would happen to her.  She once told me,  I believe that I am where I am supposed to be at this time.  I don't care if I have something to do with your life changing now or later, but I know that no matter what, I would have had an impact on you, and somebody is going to get some good out of it, just because we met; even me.   I didn't know what that meant at the time, I just thought, "Girl please, I'm not changing for nobody."  I was wrong. 
     
   She is all I think about.  It's been six months and all I think about is the pain that I caused her and the life that she has given me.  Even though, I am confined in this space, my hopes and dreams have come alive.  Every word she has ever given me is alive.  After the investigators spoke with me for the second time about the shooting, three weeks later they came and arrested me, at the hospital.  I am in prison for larceny, a crime I committed two years ago in another state.  It's the reason I quit my job, they had been looking for me and I got scared, well, I didn't go in and they fired me.  I don't know if it was for not going to work or that I made their establishment look bad by cops coming in to look for me.  I knew, Nikki was the one who ratted me out after I wouldn't return any of her phone calls. 
     
   I've tried calling Michelle, but she wouldn't take the calls.  Today, I received a letter. 
     
   
   
   Dear Lance, 
   
   
     
   
   
   It has been a while.  I have seen the prison calls, but I am not one to accept those type of calls, especially if I can't stand the person calling.  I decided to write you, because this is something that even if you forget, you can always read over it, or just discard it. 
   
   
   
   
   I want you to know that I am no longer angry with you or her.  I have overcome that.  It wasn't all her fault and I must say, you share the blame.  I am completely healed now and I am back to work.  I think of you from time to time.  I pray for you when I do.  I know that jail isn't for you.  We all make mistakes, it doesn't make you a bad person, just someone whom I hope learns from their mistakes.  I have faith that you will have learned some very valuable lessons about life when you walk out of those doors.  Please, don't ponder on what happened and what happened between us.  I forgive you. 
   
   
     
   
   
   Sincerely, 
   
   
     
   
   
   Michelle Spencer 
   
   
     
     I called home to my sister Nessie. 
     
   "Hello?" 
   "Hey Ness, how are you?" 
   "Hey baby brother, I'm good, how are you?" 
   "Let me ask you something. Have you talked to Michelle lately?  I was just wondering how she is doing." 
   "I knew you had to be calling about something.  Yes, Lance, actually I have." 
   "Well, how is she doing, and I'm sorry sis, I love you, she's just really been on my mind lately." 
   "That's fine, glad to hear from you anyway.  Well, Chelle is doing just fine, she actually left town Sunday." 
   "Oh yeah, well I'm glad she is doing okay.  Could you please tell her that I asked about her." 
   "----------------Lance, I think that maybe you should start forgetting about Michelle.  I don't think that she would want that message." 
   "Well why not?  Nessie, I know I wasn't the best man to her, but I'm hoping with parole next week, I can come home and show her that I have changed and win her heart back.  You never heard me say that I wanted to get married ever.  I wanted to be a bachelor all my life.  I want to show her and marry her.  I have to win her back." 
   "----------Ahem,----------Lance, Michelle went out of town on her honeymoon." 
   "Excuse me?  Ness, that isn't funny, I'm trying to be serious with you and you think it's all fun and games, I want to marry her!" 
   "I'm not playing games or trying to be funny Lance.  Michelle got married Saturday, I was one of her brides maids.  I'm sorry. 
   "Are you really telling me that she found someone, and married him?  Already!" 
   "Well, if you really want to be technical about it, you found him." 
   "What?!" 
   "Remember the doctor who did her surgery right after the shooting?" 
   "Doctor Spencer?  She married Doctor Spencer?" 
   "Yes Lance, and she's happy now, very happy." 
   
   
   
   Ruined life 
     I don't know what I was thinking.  I am miserable, I am lost, I am alone.  I wanted to get rid of the heartache, by getting rid of him.  I only got rid of myself, out of my son's life.  I am nobody now.  I don't even remember what I look like.  He is still alive, living his life with her, I imagine. How can I do 20 years?  I can't do it, I can't do it. 
     
   Nicola pulled her notebook from under her hard thin mattress.  She began to pin a note.  It had been two years and she was finally broken.  She tried to keep her head up and look forward to an appeal, a sentence modification, anything.  She at least hoped to have her attempted murder charge plead down to an assault charge.  The judge wouldn't have it.  She just wanted to explain that she lost it.  She was a damaged woman whom felt her life had been ruined by this man and this woman who he loved more than her for some reason.  She just couldn't comprehend at the time that her life wasn't ruined, but ultimately, she ruined her life.  She wasted all her good talents that she had to offer the world all because she didn't know how to walk away, let go and live.  All these thoughts continuously drove Nicola into a deep dark depression. 
     
   When the officer came to do her rounds, she handed her a sealed, stamped envelope and asked for it to be sent out in the mail.  Once the officer left, knew she had at least 30 minutes until she would see any officer walk by and check on her again.  Nicola used a razor she had taped under the metal pole of the bed.  She stripped the sheet from top to bottom in half.  Wrapping it around the bar of the window and twisting it tight, she looked blank.  Wrapping the garment around her throat and notting it, she then took the razor and sliced through her wrists.  She stood there wondering why she could not feel it.  She was numb.  Suddenly everything just went dark.  As her body slumped and she passed out from losing so much blood, her back slid down the wall.  the homemade rope hung only inches from the window bar.  Her body convulsing, Nicola, for the final time seemed to cry as tears streamed down her cheeks. 
   
   
   
   Haunted 
   Vanessa opened the mailbox and saw that there was a letter from Westpointe Correctional Institution.  It was for her brother Lance.  Lance had only been home three months.  He did a little time, but in that time, it seemed like he did a lot of thinking.  He hadn't once had a woman over to the house, or stayed out with one since he came home.  He was working, and making pretty good money.  Vanessa was concerned about him though.  He seemed to be deeply depressed; perhaps over Michelle moving on with her life and never responding to his attempt to contact her. 
     
   "Lance, you have a letter." 
   "Oh yeah?  From who? 
   "Your stalker." 
   "Lance rolled his eyes, took the envelope and tossed it in the trash." 
   "I guess that's what I get for letting her come over here.  This trash is non-stop.  She tried to kill us." 
   "Lance, you haven't read one letter.  She might be trying to apologize.  She might need some closure.  Hell, you need some closure.  Maybe an apology can help your sad ass." 
     
   Vanessa walked out the door.  It was Saturday and the sun was out.  Lance had a long week of work and he just wanted to relax.  A beer sounded good.  He wondered what Michelle was up to.  He had found her new number in Vanessa's phone when she let him use it for a call one day.  He memorized it and wrote it down.  He hadn't had the nerve yet to call her.  He knew he shouldn't, but he still didn't think that she should have moved on so fast.  He was sure it had to be for the money, hell, she married a doctor. 
   He grabbed a beer from the refridgerator.  He thought of how lonely he was, mostly because he was on house arrest.  Maybe because of his heartache.  He messed up bad.  Opening the beer, he looked down at the trash can and picked up the letter from Nikki.  He carried it upstairs to his room and opened the letter. 
     
   
   
   Dear Lance, 
   
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   I cannot believe that after all this time, I still haven't heard from you.  It has been torture, day by day, I watch the officer hand out letters from loved ones to the other women in this place and not one of them from you to me.  When I heard you were released for your parole violation, I was angry.  Knowing you were confined just like me, I wasn't worried about what you were doing out there with anyone else, but you always came back to me, I was always your go to girl.  I immediately placed you name on my visiting list and wrote you a letter, I even called your sister's house.  I really needed to see you.  There is something that I needed to tell you in person, but I vowed that if you never talked to me again, then you would never know. Well now is the time I guess.  I know you don't care and I don't expect you to.  My life is ruined, I don't have one.  The decision I made was so that another person would not grow up and be embarassed of what I have become.  I had a baby girl eight months after my incarceration.  I named her Harmony, because I wanted her to live a peaceful, loving life, and because I wanted that for her, I decided to have a closed adoption.  I didn't want her to know who I was, until she is eighteen and has made the choice herself, and if she knew you, she would know me too, so I told them that I didn't know the father. 
   
   
     
   
   
   I wanted to tell you face to face because without your consent, if you stepped up and wanted to challenge the adoption, you could, but you never even gave a rat's ass as to how I was holding up in here, because now that I am in jail, there is nothing you can use me for.  You've left me all alone.  Do you know the really fucked up part about all of this Lance?  Michelle wrote me a letter and asked to see me.  When she saw me, I could see part of the scar on her left shoulder from the bullet I put in her.  I couldn't believe that I would do something like that.  I expected her to hate me, but she didn't.  She told me that she forgave me and prayed for me.  That should have been my deliverence Lance, but it wasn't because, I wanted you to forgive me too.  Forgive me for trying to kill you, forgive me for not telling that I was pregnant with your child, and forgiveness for letting another family raise her.  I cannot even forgive myself and since you won't, I am tired of the torture and I must say goodbye.  I hate you now for what you are making me do. 
   
   
     
   
   
   Love & Hate Forever and Ever, 
   
   
   
   
   Nicola 
   
   
     
     
     
     
   
   
   Publication Date: August 4th 2016 https://www.bookrix.com/-njoyabl