text: Drake Spire Thoughts about Her My worthless babblings 
   
   
   Random Notes 
   I'll claim I'm not crazy. However, any and probably every test could prove me incorrectly. As the book is titled, Thoughts about Her, and I know that's a little vague, for any adventurer out to read the cheesiest online story, you may have found it. 
   Now these aren't fictional, and probably aren't even gonna be stories. Again, these are thoughts that I frequently visit... about that certain someone. 
   As a teenager, at the time of this writing, I'm not qualified to explain to you what love is. For I'm not sure if I have felt it, nor the confidence to say, that my mind has the capacity to grasp it. 
   I will probably note, that this girl, that I think about, is not love, is not meant to be, and is a lost cause. If you wish that in the end, there will be a happy ending. 
   I 
   Can 
   Assure 
   You, 
     
   There will not be one. 
     
     
   
   
   
   Sad Endings 
   I like to believe stories end, when the characters can no longer do anything to continue the plot. If this was the case in my life, I should have known the story of this girl, and the continuation of the possibility of me ending with her, was finished the second I met her. 
   No, I do not hesitate to say this, but I do not believe in love at first sight. When I first saw her, the only thoughts rendered were not of love, but of normalcy. Not a sense of sensuality or passion. It was when I talked to her, when we first shared the words to start a bridge between, this beautiful girl, and this broken boy - did I then realize, she was different. 
   I'm aware that every human being shares different traits. To explain, she was different than any assumption towards girls that I would ever meet. I have met, very extraordinary girls not to fib. There is one, I don't frequent speak to, however one of my closest friends. Just recently deactivated her account on this website, sadly. But I digress. 
   It is now, that I realize, difficult to put every thought I've ever had of this girl into words. 
   It actually makes me more depressed when I think about it. I know that I will never end up with her, I know that I can never be with her. Basically, without fancy words or the such, she lives too far. Different zones, different cities, different counties. Both of us not accessible to great forms of transportation. Or great amounts of time to share. 
   I had a dream about her, that I can remember now. I actually, have had multiple dreams about her, even when I do not think about her when I go to sleep. 
   This dream, I can't explain in great detail without probably changing how it actually was. As it is - a dream. In it, she was there. Of course, but I remember, that no matter what I did. Even in my dreams. I couldn't get to her. I could barely talk to her. No, not barely, I couldn't even talk to her. I knew that I was running and running for her. Knowing that I will never catch up. 
   This was a dream. Where there are limitless possibilities. However, even then, there was no possibility of ever being with her. Actually, I remember back in January of this year. I had a row of dreams of her. One each day for three days. (that sentence ended on 420 words, pretty funny.) And with each day, I was reminded of her. If I remember, her birthday is in late January. I had nothing but words for her. A simple happy birthday. For, what else can I give her? 
   I will simply say now. I wish to be with her. I wish to see her. I wish to talk to her again. 
   I guess I could call her. But, that seems weird, doesnt it? Maybe tonight, just screw every precaution. I'll put in this, I suppose, love diary? the next day, if I can remember. But i doubt anything will happen. She did say she kinda liked me, but didn't want to go out with me. For reasons, untold now that I think. 
   In short, she had a bad experience with her first boyfriend. 
   Oh... there is another story I do want to talk about. 
   Back in March, I was texting her. She said that her friend wanted her to go out with this boy... I know stupid right? Maybe that's just me. Anyways, she did in the end. And when she told me that she liked him. I dropped everything. It was what, around 1 in the morning? 
   Back two years ago, I had a drinking problem. 
   And in that moment, I realized why I had one. I drank to settle my heart. I drank to forget what just happened. I drank to be a puss and try to run away from the truth. I still wish I drank more. I was drunk. It was either that instance or another, to where I was drunkest. Either way, I called a friend when I woke up. In the end, I never really slept. I actually didn't really sleep for the next few months either. We talked, I don't know if I felt better. But It was really close to feeling like shit. 
   This relationship lasted for about four months if I can remember. I texted her when it ended. I forget what we talked about in the end. She was sad, that's all I could remember. I really couldn't... I hate when she's sad. Okay? 
   Ugh, I keep reminding myself. There is no hope for the two of us. Even if we did start going out, there would be barely any chance that we would make it. So why why why why why why why am I holding onto the feeling that we could end up together. That I could still try, and we can make it. Anyone, please tell me. Is this human nature? Pm me, or comment. Because I don't know. It's such a stupid feeling. 
   
   
   
   Finding Hopelessness 
    Well I tried to call her. I really did. I asked, if I would be able to call her. She said no, and that she was busy at the moment. Then she asked me, why I would want to call her. 
   I knew she was probably fishing for an answer. I'm not sure what answer though. But I responded as, because I'm bored and I never had an extended convo with you before. 
   She responded as oh, and the conversation went down hill from there. What answer was she looking for? 
   Well, let's go through what I wanted to say. 
   Because I like talking to you, and even though we don't get to talk in real life, I thought that then we should talk on the phone. 
   something like that. Makes better sense, right? I know, Im a dumbfuck. Sorry for that language. But I have had a few sips of rum, in which the after taste, tastes like apples. It's really good. 
   What am I supposed to do now? 
   For multiple times in my life, I have had this feeling of being unsure. 
   What do I do? 
   What do I say? 
   How do I say it? 
   How do I feel? 
   What is going on? 
   What do I do? 
   What do I say? 
   How do I say it? 
   How do I feel? 
   What is going on? 
   What do I do? 
   What do I say? 
   How do I say it? 
   How do I feel? 
   What is going on? 
   What do I do? 
   What do I say? 
   How do I say it? 
   How do I feel? 
   What is going on? 
     
     
   Why can't I just see her? 
     
   
   
   
   Staying Up 
    I've stayed up all night just thinking about her. Not because I wanted to think about her. It was because I was afraid to dream about her. Each and everydream I've had about her, I've felt the same way after I've woken up from each one. It's like I've said before in these ramblings. I felt as if, obtaining her affections was hopeless. Each and every one, I remember not being able to catch her. 
   It was like some sick type of torture my head would want to put me through. Every time I woke up, I felt alone, even though there are people filled in my life. I would look at my phone, see her in my contacts, and just look - reflect on why I think about her. 
   I realize now, that I'm just a romantic. I've been like this forever. 
     
   But let's face it. Let's be a little more than honest here. For the sake of this book, which is a medium for me to say what I'm thinking. I'm not sure why I'm publishing my thoughts, but I'm not giving my name, or her's, so I believe there's no problem. Anyways, let's be frank - I'm an addict. 
   I'm addicted to anything that hurts me. I will sooner find the path to hurting than anything else. Who knows why. Maybe I believe it makes me a better man. Where if I can hurt, I can change. A few years ago, I had a drinking problem, perhaps I've mentioned that, but then I moved onto cutting. It was probably the foggiest moment in my life. I smoked weed every so often and I drank whenever I was alone. In honesty, I forget why. Maybe that's why I drank, to forget. In that case, it worked, but it made me worse. 
   But again, let's be real. I'm only sixteen. I'm hurting for no reason, I'm "loving" for no reason. It's in quotes because the notion, is that I have NO IDEA what love really is. Again, I've been mostly secluded my life. 
   The reason I 'love' someone that lives another city away from me, is maybe because I want to hurt myself. That if she lived in another state, I'd be crazy for her. And in a different country, insane - on a completely 'nother level. 
   I have no idea. But I'm pretty close to being certain, this isn't real love. So what is this then? Is this an obsession? Insanity? A coping method? 
   I know there's girls out there, in my school, in my neighborhood, I could meet. And within a few days, I could become a complete monster, and disrupt their virility. 
   So, I know that this 'love' for this girl, isn't for sexual reasons or testerone driven. 
   Then what the fuck is it? 
   Puppy love? They used that in the notebook, but in the end, they found each other and had puppy sex a fe times in the refurbished house his family owned. Yeah, call me a girl, I read the notebook, and I liked it. 
   But the past few days, I've been thinking to myself. I'll ask her. 
   I'll ask her if she enjoys talking to me, and I'll explain to her, that I feel like I'm taking her precious time away. Because I truly believe that I'm so pathetic, I don't DESERVE her time. I don't deserve anything in this world. And I'll tell her, that I'd be willing to leave her alone for awhile. I'll delete her number if she doesn't want to talk to me, I realize now it seems harsh. But I'll find a way to make it softer, and easier for her to make a decision without any pressure. I've been wanting to find a reason to let her go, if it's not love. Then there is no reason to keep her. 
   If there is no enjoyment of her talking to me, than what's the point? I only wanted to talk to her in the end. Because of the first moment I've talked to her, she was so different in so many ways, I'm sure I'll explain in another chapter. But I don't want it to be one-sided. But now, I'm forced to remember how we met. Face to face, it was dark, so I barely remembered what she looked like. I only know now, because of the pictures she has on Facebook and Snapchat. Two things I barely use, and frankly, I only use it to see how she's doing. 
     
   
   
   
   Why are you still reading this 
    I haven't really logged in this book for awhile. Because I honestly thought I moved on. I mean, I have. Mostly. 
   I do have an interest in another.  
   And I doubt it has any relevance to anyone reading this, but you are reading this, so I suppose there is. 
   This girl I've been talking about, the boyfriend she had before, she has now started another relationship with him. I don't care. I really don't. She's not the person I thought of before. She's different for sure. But a lot of girls are.  
   Anyways, I wanted to say I'm doing better. I have been drinking a little. But that's to be expected. My parents left the alcohol un-attended. (They didn't drink it first).  
   Anyways, I thought I should tell you who I am, since... idk, no one reads this. 
   I was born in the year 1999 so I am currently 16. I try to play competitive games like smash, pokemon, and league. I probably have a better chance at smash than anything else. I live in a good state for it atleast, a lot of good players. I run my own club at my school. Called G****** Gaming Club. Or GG (You get it?). I founded it with a friend. And I am actually typing this, as I skipped school and they took pictures for clubs today. And I missed my own club's pictures. Because I couldn't sleep. Because I couldnt breathe. I have very sensitvie membranes in my nose. School for me now, is irrelevent. For the reason that I dont plan on going to university. I want to be an eod tech in the navy. With my ASVAB scores, it is very much possible for me. So school, is kinda worthless for me. In the navy, tuition will be reduced for college. So I will go off that. I wil be set till around 30 ish. Anyways... 
   I have a new problem. Well we all do. So I suppose it isnt that surprising. It's extremely hard for me to talk to people of interest. Idk why, but I can't walk to someone and say hi. 
   (I use person of interest instead of actual gender identifiers because I am pan-sexual. Which is arguably bi. But... eh, kind of)  Anyways, I'm almost certain she atleast has a shimmer of interest in me, because I can catch her glances in class. Either I catch her looking at me, she looks away. But when I look at her at the same time, we have this kind of moment, that lasts around a minute. Just eye contact. It happens a couple of times. But Whenever I am close to her, I can't say hi.  
   I have so much low self-esteem. That I just can't allow myself fall into the path of dating someone. I feel as if I bring them down... 
   Dumb, I know. But it's hard to get passed it. 
   I will talk to her tomorrow if shes there. I hope I can gather the courage to do that. 
   
   
   
   The biggest PROBLEM. 
    Lately I've been stuck in this realization. A kind of an ongoing trance, if you would. It's that I know that there are girls out there that I wouldn't mind dating, and they wouldn't mind me dating, vice versa. But in the end. It's me. It's always been my fault. 
   I feel inferior. When will that change? 
   Anyways, I am super tired right now. But I wil say this, I could be with the person I like, if only I stopped feeling like I'm a worthless piece of shit. 
   But, I've barely thought of myself differently. 
   It's hard to keep myself at a high self esteem. 
   
   
   
   Months Later 
    For those who might read this... who I doubt, might be upset that I never finished. But I don't suppose I will finish. It's mostly just ramblings about me being sad.  
   My inner-loneliness being typed onto a blank space. 
   I used to push the notion that humans need other humans, for we are. by nature, social beings. I always thought that i can live alone. With my own thoughts and my own opinions, being barely affected by the surrounding world. 
   Can I though? 
   I feel sad, and lonely right now. 
   I don't long for more friends, I don't long for a girlfriend. 
   I just want to be happy. 
   My life is filled with stupid mishaps and minor unfortunate circumstances. I know of others who live more painstaking lives, so I really shouldn't be complaining. Yet, I still feel like I need to complain. I need to feel like shit, when ever I encounter a stupid malfunction on my laptop, over and over and over and over and over again. 
   When you realize, you can be alone, but it's like a psuedo-loneliness. You fill that void by the technology that surronds you. 
   ... 
   I don't know. 
   I just want people to see me, how I see myself. 
   In the end, maybe that's what we all want. 
   We're all just misunderstood. 
   
   
   Publication Date: May 10th 2016 https://www.bookrix.com/-rwa0d463c2da815