text: Tai  Goodman The Bad Few Season 1 "Groovy classic music, 21st century vibes, overrated jokes, and a dysfunctional group. Let the good times roll. BookRix GmbH & Co. KG 81371 Munich 
   
   
   DISCLAIMER 
   
   This is a documentary with some offensive jokes, some sexual references, language, and other retarded things based off of the real life experience. 
   
   
   
   
   Episode 1: First Day 
   
   6:45 AM 
   
   
   Tifton, Georgia 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Tai: “It’s 6:45 in the morning, do you know where your kids are? Either A, they’re in school like me. Or… B, they’re skipping, because of a lack of truen officers. 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Today, I’m starting my Freshman year at Tift County High School. And… I’ve got a lot of stuff to check off on my list about the school and all. And.. I’m looking forward to seeing some of my friends. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   And acquaintances. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Oh, I know I signed up for this documentary, I’m Tai Goodman. I am 14, Vietnamese. I have no brothers, no sisters, three dogs, and I exercise the school’s importance. I am smart, not because I’m Asian so  
   
   don’t even try and be racist in your own head.  
   
   I've had seven girlfriends, only one isn't white.  
   And yeah.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   Tai stepped onto the bus and took a seat in a seat besides his friend, Leif. 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Tai: “Oh, Leif? He’s a year younger than me. He’s also racist.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   “What classes you got this year?” Leif questioned Tai. Tai had a straight face with his lips sealed. “Umm… I know what I have but I don’t know where they are in the school.” Leif nodded and looked straight to the front of the bus. “My man, you are f***ed.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   “ WELL THEY DIDN’T GIVE ME A SCHEDULE!” 
   Then some girl behind the two said, “You were supposed to get your schedule on Saturday.” Tai’s face turned red. 
   
   
     
   
   
   “ fffffFU-” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   THE BAD FEW 
   
   
   By Tai Goodman 
   
   
   Based off of reality 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   FIRST PERIOD 
   
   Tai looked at his newly printed schedule, and for first period he had Spanish II. “Dear Christ,” he told himself, walking into the room. It only had 2 students in it at the moment. One of them, short and young looking, stood out of his desk and said, “WELCOME to Spanish II!” 
   
   Tai: “Last year I took Spanish I online. You had the opportunity to take Spanish II if you finished and get both credits. BUT…. I had homework for other classes. And I want free time at home. And maybe to play a little bit of some Little Alchemy. 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Now this year I have Spanish II, with no computer. SO now it’s twice the difficulty and you can’t use Google Translator without being caught.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   “Hey, man! So, where’s the teacher?” 
   
   
     
   
   
   The student looked around confused. Then he gained enough courage to confess: “Mmm… I AM the teacher.” Tai sealed his lips and nodded. “My mistake!” 
     
   
   MINUTES INTO FIRST PERIOD 
   
     
   "Buenos dias! And welcome, welcome to Spanish II. How many of you are excited for Spanish II?"  
   The entire class stayed silent. He waited for a response. " ALRIGHT so anyways... This class is a credit class, and it's required to graduate. I presume you've all done Spanish I, so you already have one foreign language credit. And-" 
     
   Then another teacher bonked on the door. The teacher, Mr. Elizalde, turned and saw a face through the window. "Aww.. Man!  I don't wanna talk to him!" 
   It was the French teacher from across the hallway, Mr. Williams. He opened the door and then talked to him, in Spanish. "Como es tu primer periodo en espanol?" 
   "Muy bien, y tu clase de Francias?" 
     
   "Bueno." 
     
   Tai was at his desk sketching a picture of Ozzy Osbourne getting shot in his face by a gangster looking criminal. Then the teacher reentered the classroom. "So, let's tell ourselves about one another. We'll start with..."  
   He pointed his finger at Tai. "Senor, como te llamas?" 
   Tai focused his attention at the teacher. He looked around. "No, no llamas." 
   "Llamas? No, como te  LLAMAS ?" 
     
   "WHAT LLAMA, THERE'S NO LLAMA!" 
     
   "COMO. TE. LLAMAS!" 
     
   Tai surrendered and said, "Alright. I- I understand, I understand perfectly." 
     
   
   Tai:  "Man F*** THIS SH**!" 
   
     
   
   SECOND PERIOD 
   
   Tai walked into his Algebra I class. 
     
   
   Tai: "I DID pass the accelerated math test. I got the letter and everything, but I didn't get put in the class. I dunno why. Maybe it was a mistake, probably because of the 21st century technology. Now I'm stuck in here, not in Geometry A. I'm trapped in an Algebra classroom. And I thought it was racist when she put me in the back of the room, but apparently it was to divide the gifted students." 
   
     
   Tai took a seat in the back of the room.  "Welcome to Algebra-" 
     
   
   Tai: "That's exactly when I know that I'm in for a hell of a year, those THREE WORDS. Last year, there was one Algebra teacher. Most of her students with straight A's got one B, and the so-so merit roll students got F's. And in my world, F is for f***ing horrendous." 
   
     
     
     
   Tai looked across to his right, and saw Malle. "Hey! Hey Malle!" he called out. Malle turned her head, smiling, and flipped him off.  
     
   
   Malle: "I've known Tai for... 3 years now. He was in my Physical Science class last year, which I sucked ass in with a 69. And Tai would probably make some sexual innuendo out of that. But there's this weird thing he did last year, he'd whisper to me from a far distance. From where I sat, it looked like he was saying, "DO YOU EAT PENIS?" 
   
   
   But when you answer with something like, 'Ew, no!', he would go, 'I said, 'Do you eat peanuts' you pervert!'" 
   
     
     
   Dylan turned his head. "Hey! Hey, Tai!" 
     
   Tai turned his the other way. "Who- WHO SAID THAT? This room is haunted by a spooky scary ghost!"  
     
   
   Dylan: "I knew Tai since Primary School. We were good friends, and we kind of still are, depending on what he does that we find stupid." 
   
     
   
   LUNCH 
   
     
   
   Tai: " I told the crew to cut out third and fourth period, there's nothing interesting in there. It's just a bunch of filler that all of you would probably roll into a ball and toss it out." 
   
     
   
   Tai sat at a round table, surrounded by his (old) friends. "Hey Tai!" said John. 
   
     
   Tai:  "John Michael Beaumont... I call him John Mikhail Gorbachev. John's that one type of white guy who takes nothing seriously until something serious arises. And he's usually on his phone when he's got his independence." 
     
   
   John: "How long have I known Tai? I met him without knowing who he was, he got me confused with someone else, named... Will McSomething. Then we talked about FNAF, Five nights at Freddys, and he left. We did go on a Seaworld trip together, ending with a lot of controversy." 
   
     
   
   Tai: "He got the first part right, I confused with him with someone from my preschool named Will McCrannie. He was a crackhead. BUT WHAT HE GOT WRONG, was that we talked about FNaF. I had a book series about how imaginations goes a long way and one episode was in Freddy's Pizzeria. FNaF is absolute trash and should burn in hell and die." 
   
     
   "So.. What classes you got, Tai?"  John quizzed Tai. " Well I already had Spanish II, Algebra, and History...  Now I have Garrick. And this class has as much enthusiasm as there are people living in the neighborhood on the moon." 
   John replied, "I have her class for 2nd." 
   "Welp, the sooner, the better!" 
     
   Tai looked to his right and noticed Jacob on his Chromebook. He peered around the laptop screen, to see a Fortnite video. " Son of a bi-" 
     
   
   Tai: "Fortnite is absolute bullsh**. There's a videogame company named EpicGames that made the videogame engine for PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds. They stole the game, and made it into a Disney Infinity 3.0 piece of trash.  THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE BUY IT is because it's free. Get a freaking job!" 
   
     
   
   "Nice to see you again... Jackoff-" 
   
     
   " WHAT'D YOU SAY?" 
     
   
   "NOTHING! NOTHING! I said no such thing." 
   
     
   
   
   Tai: " 
   
   Here's Jacob. He's an asshole." 
   
     
   
   Jacob: "Yeah, I know Tai. He's a retard." 
   
     
   Then there was a hideous obese troll looking named Jesse Boone. "Who's this guy?" 
   John introduced him, "This is my pal, Jesse! He's new to this campus." 
     
   Tai held out his hand. "Hi, I'm Tyler. Tyler Bateman!" 
     
   Jacob, without looking away, corrected Tai: "No you ain't! His name's Tai Goodman, don't trust his dumb ass." Tai grinned and said, "Hey Jacob, why don't you go back to your Fortnite and marry it so we can have a conversation where you're not in it? How about that?" 
     
   "Good for me so I don't have to talk to your gay ass." 
     
   "I am NOT gay, I'm straight." 
     
   "Straight as a circle." 
     
   "No, that's YOU. I'm straight as a 180 angle." 
     
   "More like 90 degrees." 
     
   
   Tai: "I hate it when people call me gay, I call them hoifers. People who call people gay, when they're actually gay and not the people they falsely expose. For instance, Jacob is a hoifer and a horescorch. Horescorches are basically double whores." 
   
     
   
   FIFTH PERIOD 
   
     
   Tai sat down in the bleachers- With Jacob. " God- Why'd you have to be in my class?" 
     
   "Same thing with you, Tai I'm sick and tired of seeing your face." 
     
   "Other way around." 
     
   The two turned to the left and saw bleachers covered in white matter. "The hell? What's with those?" Jacob asked. "Well someone was watching something extremely nasty AND..." 
     
   "Man, shut up Tai." 
     
   
   "BE QUIET, SHORTY! 
   
     
   
   Alright, listen up. I'm Coach Nelloms, don't call me anything else!" 
   
     
   Tai saluted and called out, "Yes  SIR!" 
     
   Coach Nelloms frowned and looked back at his list. " Alright, that wasn't needed...  So this is PE! Anybody wanna tell me what PE stands for?" The entire class was silent. "Really? This is high school and you all- Know what, forget it. ALRIGHT so, raise your hand if you can guess the requirements for this year?" 
     
   Tai rose his hand. "Wear tennis shoes?" 
     
   "Correct. Anybody else? There's two more." 
     
   Another girl rose her hand.  "You have to wear uniforms- 
     
   
   
   UNIFORMS.... 
   
   
   
   
   UNIFORMS.... 
   
   
   
   
   UNIFORMS.... 
   
   
     
   Tai tucked his head in between his knees. Jacob inquired, "Tai, the f***? Are you an ostrich now?"  
   Tai pointed up at Jacob. "Jacob, fall on a letter opener." 
     
   "I'm over here, retard." Tai redirected his finger and pointed at Jacob on the other side. "Jacob, run with scissors in your hands." Jacob smiled and said, "Scissors?  HEY GUYS, WHO WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TAI DID-" 
   Tai punched Jacob in his crotch. "He was just kidding." 
     
   " I bet he was, next time you two fool around I'm writing you two up! Anyways, back to what I was saying: Yes, uniforms. They must be navy blue on the bottom and you must have a grey shirt. Decal or NOT. We sell them here for 10 bucks, or you can go by Walmart and buy the clothing separately. Either way, it's your call." 
     
   
   Jacob: "Sure sure, yeah. And Tai will go buy them at Goodwill." 
   
     
   
   Tai: "An outfit for TEN BUCKS? MAN, I get better deals at the... Walmart I go to." 
   
     
   
   "Alright, anybody else?"  
   
     
   A boy raised his very skinny and indeed white arm. "Is it... Participation?" 
     
   " Great! Right on, PARTICIPATION. You must participate in able to get your points. By not doing any of these three, you will get a minus -60. Not doing one of them is a minus -20, each are a minus -20. You got that?" 
     
   Everybody surprisingly nodded. "Now you can get on your phones and stuff until the bell rings." 
     
   Then the entire three different classes pulled their phones and Chromebooks out.  
     
   
   Tai: "PE is an absolute let down and was invented by the devil himself. THE DEVIL, leader of hell, double hockey-sticks. Well, there is this thing that tends to happen in Dodgeball, not sure if it's because I'm skinny... 
   
   
   When I stand absolutely still, nobody tries to hit me. That's priceless. I stopped trying 2 years after I discovered that trait." 
   
     
   
   SIXTH PERIOD 
   
     
   
   Tai: "Theatre... I joined theatre so I could learn about movies because I want to make films when I grow up into a mature Asian human plebian being."  
   
     
   Tai sat down at an empty round table, and noticed Malle was sitting at one from a far distance. "Oohh.. Yes." He shifted over to her table, and a gay East-German multipersonally single and white male sat down at the table. This creature's name was Gabriel Langston. "Hey there, faggot." Tai snickered back, "Hello faggot keeper."  
   He placed his bottom into the seat and then some morbidly depressing multipersonal slutty woman sat in the chair.  "Now Malle, I never expected you to be in this class.  But I sure did expect you two in here, because chorus people do the exact same thing in here that they do in there; Sing, dance, and do drugs backstage." 
     
     
   "Yep, that's exactly what this is," Gabriel inquired.  
     
   
   Gabriel: "Yes, I know Tai way back to when he didn't know me. Will Owens, an emo faggot who was here in 7th and moved, introduced me to him in 6th. Tai thought he said that my name was 'Gay' and not 'Gabe.' He was in Mr. Tapscott's last year, we barely did sh**. Most of his class was just purely Minecraft and more arguing. So I don't really know if he's my friend or not. Nah." 
   
     
   
   Tai: "The overall description of Gabriel is the first syllable in his name. That's all the crap you gotta know." 
   
     
   Malle looked across at Tai. " Tai, why are you in here, you suck at public stunts." 
     
   "I haven't done any public stunts." 
     
   "EXACTLY." 
     
   " I just got here and already something gay happened!"  Gabriel insulted the two. 
     
   "I just got here and already someone gay attended this class!  WOWWWW!"  Tai announced in his face. "Oh, go to hell, Tai, everyone despises you more than they hate me." The theatre instructor arrived. "Hello, everybody! I'm Mr. Alley, and welcome to Theatre. AKA, Theatre Arts and Fundamentals I. Is everyone here that is supposed to be here?" 
     
   The entire class answered, "Yes sir." 
     
   "Bravissimo! So, let's go over the requirements, here's the syllabus." He passed out a paper with a plethora of words on it. When Tai received his, he rolled it into a ball and aimed for the trashcan. "ALRIGHT, so on your syllabus-" 
   Tai unraveled his paper wad.  
     
   "-you have all of your required school supplies." 
     
   
   Tai: "*rolls up syllabus* F*** supplies, all you need is your imagination!" 
   
     
   "Now I need the syllabus signed by Friday-" 
     
   
   Tai: "*unrolls syllabus* ARRRRGH!" 
   
     
   
   SEVENTH PERIOD 
   
     
   Tai was stopped at the doorway by the teacher. "Hi, what's your name?" 
   
   "My name is Jeff." 
   
     
   'Alright  I'm sick and tired of that joke, who are you really?" 
   " Taiwan Christian Caramello Camelle Georgius Harrison Menosa Goodman,  but you can call me Big Johnson!" Tai told the instructor. "How about we call you 'Tai'?" 
     
   Tai's face morphed into a frown. "Yes. Fine. My name is Tai."  
   "You are in... Seat #21, right next to Silvia." 
     
   " DEAR CHRIST. What's her last name?" 
   
   "Huerta." 
   
     
   
   "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 
   
     
   
   Tai: "Silvia Huerta is a very boring teenager in my biology class, and I knew her for 3 years now, I guess. Silvia is one of those Fortnite players that do not conversate about Fortnite. She is perfect. But when with another individual named Eddie Jerkof- I MEAN, Jenkins, she is the exact level of Donkey in Shrek." 
   
     
     
   Tai sat next to Silvia. "Hey-" 
     
   " OHMYGOSH, TAI GET AWAY FROM ME, I'M TEXTING!" 
     
   "Sure. Yeah. Alright. What else would I expect?" 
     
   
    BUS LINE 
   
   
   AFTER SCHOOL 
   
     
   
   
   Tai: "You know, at the end of the day, high school isn't that bad. But a big portion of me is water. That part has no feelings or motivation. The rest of me is everything else, the part with feelings and crap. That one part makes me think that Tift County High School sucks ba-" 
   
   
     
   
   THE BAD FEW EPISODE 1 
   
   
   BY TAI GOODMAN 
   
   
   
   
   Episode 2: Assembly Meeting 
     
   
   LUNCHTIME 
   
   “ So that’s why Fortnite sucks and it should be erased from Earth, it stinks and belongs in Davy Jones’ locker along with Call of Duty Ghosts-” 
   Then a student with a shaved head and Chromebook case sat at Tai’s table. “Hey guys!” 
   “Ugh… Hey Austin.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Tai: “Austin- or DANIEL Dawley is somewhat smart, yet carries heavy C minuses on his report card. And every year he’s more wild and offensive than the last time. So it’s not really Austin Dawley, that’s the monster that ate him and the previous monster that lives in Austin Dawley’s house and wears his clothes. And inherits and worsens his behavior.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   “Austin, what do you want?” 
   
   
     
   
   
   “Nothing, I just wanted to sit down by you guys.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   John said out of the blue, “Git down by you suys, what?” 
   Everybody just stared at him, idle. That joke wasn’t funny as he thought it was. “So,  ANYWAYS, let’s continue the argument concerning the fact how you look like Bruce Willis..” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “F*** you, man.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   “Hey! Don’t make fun of Austin for his below 100 IQ and Goodwill clothing.”  Austin held out his hand in disbelief. “THAT ENTIRE SENTENCE WAS REDUNDANT!” 
   “Your face is redundant,” John retaliated back at the weird student. 
   
   
     
   
   
   Austin got a disappointing frown on his face as the entire table went, 
   
   
     
   
   
   “ OOOOOHHH!!” 
   
   “Oh my god, how’s he gonna recover from that?” 
   
   
   
   “Jesus that was brutal.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   Then the entire lunchroom joined in. All that could be heard audibly was: 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   “ OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “I hate you guys,” Austin said. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   THE BAD FEW 
   
   
   BY TAI GOODMAN 
   
   
   BASED OFF OF REALITY 
   
     
   
   FIRST PERIOD 
   
   Malle walked into Mrs. Garrick's room and sighed.  As she sat her books down, she thought of everybody else's experience with first period. 
     
   
   Malle: "Mrs. Garrick's class is lit.. When it's not extinguished. If you haven't caught on, lit means cool." 
   
     
   Gabriel pulled out his Geometry A binder, as Mrs. Fonsah stepped inside.  The bell buzzed throughout the school. "Welcome back, everybody! How is transportation around the school?" 
     
   "Pretty crowded." 
   "Definitely could be better." 
   "I walked into the girl's bathroom and not 201." 
     
   " Oh.. Well,  I'm sure next semester or 9 weeks you'll get the hang of it."  Gabriel shook his head and with his binder blocking his face and hands, he got on his phone. There was a new email from Gabriel VanBrackle, another student he knows well. The email read: " dude this sucks ". 
   He unlocked his phone, and responded to the message with, " I know but Fonsah is pretty nice,"  then the teacher was standing right in front of his head. "Gabriel, whatcha doing?" she spoke, with a very suspicious grin. "I was replying to an email from one of my friends." Mrs. Fonsah chuckled and little bit and said, "You know, we have a rule in most of the math rooms, no phones can be out!" 
   She reached for his phone, and he gladly gave it to her. 
     
   
   Gabriel: "I'm dead inside now." 
   
     
   Tai pulled out his Spanish I notebook.  One of his classmates, David, crossed by and noticed it. "What you got there, Tai? Naked women pictures?" 
   "I'm not a lowlife or Eric Forman, so no. These are Spanish I notes." 
     
   " OOOOOOOH, cheating! I caught yo ass!" 
     
   Tai frowned in disappointment.  
     
   
   THIRD PERIOD 
   
     
   Tai and Gabriel were both in World History at the time, along with Jacob. Though, all three were in separate classes. Tai was in  Dr. Fandel's , Jacob was in the woman next door's, the two had AP World History. And Gabriel had regular, in a classroom across from the two. 
   Dr. Fandel, and Jacob's teacher stood out of their podiums and said, " Okay, let's get started. So, I'm passing out a bunch of AMSCO Books. AMSCO stands for-" 
     
   
   Tai: "A Mediocre Significantly Crap Object." 
   
     
   
   Jacob: "American Murder Society Containing Old men." 
   
     
   
   
   "And  
   
   you must take 2 notes- I mean pages, of notes. Not front and back, just the front. You'll find the resources and instructions on Schoology. I need them every week, on Friday." 
   
     
   
   Tai: "This is a class for insane lunatics, I don't belong here." 
   
     
   
   Jacob: "Man I got sh** to do! I can't be doing this at home, man! I gotta... Uh... OKAY fine, I just wanna play Fortnite at home. I wanna level up my character before the next season!" 
   
   The two handed out big mini-textbooks. 
     
   
   Tai: "This book just reads 'firewood.'" 
   
     
   
   Jacob: "This book is never going to be opened anytime soon." 
   
     
   
   HOMEROOM 
   
   
   Tai: "Homeroom is a classroom full of slow people. I'm not slow. But due to alphabetical order, me and the G's and some H's stay in the chemistry room with a Slovokian chemistry instructor who sounds like dracula's wife. I will give anybody five bucks if they ask her to say, "Bleh bleh bleh!"" 
   
     
   Tai slowly walked into the room.  "Great. Now I gotta sit here for 30 minutes."  
   He placed himself down in a seat.  Minutes into class...  
     
   "So, good morning! Today's lesson is over... Is over.. Oh, it's over being ready, responsible, and respectful." 
     
   
   Tai: "Oh,  I'M SORRY! I thought the three R's were: Rock music, rear ends, and retirement." 
   
     
     
   Then she showed the whole room and incredibly weird and useless video starring last year's student council members. 
     
   On the screen.. 
   A girl was walking through the hallway with a flashlight.  "What in the hell is this?" Tai thought to himself.  Then she walked by two girls with an unlit lightbulb. She shined the flashlight into the bulbs. 
   Tai was in the back of the room, snickering and trying not to laugh. "Here, take some light," said the 'protagonist.' 
     
   "AWWWW, THAAAANNNKSSS!!!" 
     
   Tai then broke character and started laughing.  
     
   " Attention students and teachers, pardon the interruption,  all freshmen or class of 2022. Please report to the lunchroom for the assembly introducing you to Tift County High School. I repeat, all freshmen please report to the lunchroom for the assembly." 
     
   COMMONS 
   Tai sat down at a table with the rest. "What's this all about?" John questioned the rest. "I think this is about how we're gonna help Jimmy Carter build gnomes for kids with empty lawns," said Tai. 
   “ Hello all students, I’m your Principal, Kim Siegler. Welcome to Tift County High School, umm… WE are doing this today because we wanted you to get a hang of your new classes. The school’s pretty big now that we added you to this branch.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   John showed Jacob a meme he made, incredibly under 15 seconds. It was a meme of Martin Luther King Jr. doing his famous speech, but with it defaced by Kim Siegler’s head replacing his. 
   
   
     
   
   
   Jacob smiled and went back to watching his Fortnite YouTube video.  “Now, here at Tift County High School, we believe in ourselves and take pride in what we do.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Tai: “That’s a lie.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “So that’s why we have certain counselors for certain people. Alphabetical order is what your counselor is based on.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   Tai looked at the big Prometheum board’s screen. His last name, Goodman, fell in between E’s and G’s. He had a man named Jean Guzman. “Oh boy.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Tai: “I know Coach Guzman from primary school, he wasn’t there forever but he was there for kindergarten and 1st. I barely understood or heard a word he said.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “Now, what are the 3 R’s? I know you all came from homeroom!” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Jacob guessed, “Rob, rape, and run?” 
   
   
   John said, “Redo, restart, and reboot. 100%.” 
   
   
   Tai said, “Respectful, responsible, and some other crap.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “It’s RESPECTFUL-” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Dylan: “Nope, don’t like that.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “...responsible…” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Dylan: “Nah, don’t really like that!” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “...AND READY!” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Dylan: “No, I don’t like that!” 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   “So… Any questions?” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   The entire lunchroom shook their heads no.  “Great, now you may all go to 4th period.”  
   Tai walked into fourth period after traveling down a labyrinth of hallways. As he entered, he was handed a paper with 6 paragraphs on it. “Gracias…?” 
   The paragraphs all shared the first word, or letter perhaps. “I.” 
   “So, everybody listening? Good, so these are called Self-Description paragraphs. These basically tell me six things about yourself, what you believe in and all that mess. Now don’t get started yet, you don’t know what you’re doing yet!” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   John: “Mrs. Garrick is kind of boring. It said on the syllabus we would be reading books like the Tragedy of Romeo and Juliett. And now we have work? THE CLASS IS CALLED 9TH GRADE HONORS LITERATURE- oh. It’s 9th Grade Honors Literature/Composition. WELL BUT STILL, it's hard as crap." 
   
     
   
   LUNCHTIME 
   
     
   Tai slammed his lunchbox down on the table, getting no benefit from doing so. "What's wrong Tai, somebody give you a 'job' and you didn't like it?" said Jacob, still watching Fortnite livestreams on YouTube. " Hey Jacob, take this into consideration. Climbing to the top of your roof, and jumping right off." 
     
   "Nah, but OOH. THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME TAI TRIED-" 
     
   " Noononono! We're not gonna talk about  THAT. " 
     
   John leaned forwards and said, "You've heard of the elf on the shelf,  now get ready for the midget sized elf!" 
   Jesse said, "WAIT, WHAT?" 
     
   "I said you've h-" 
     
   Another kid put his hand over John's mouth. He was about Jesse's size, and somehow smarter. His name was Austin Michael "Paul Blart" Young.  
     
   
   Tai: "Yeah. There's another Austin, so we call the first one Daniel because Austin is his middle name. Austin Young is probably the most naive, boring, and somewhat lazy specimen in this entire establishment you call a school. The worst thing he ever said wasn't about nazis or anything offensive. It was, and I quote..." 
   
     
     
   
   Austin: "Man, these puns are so corny, they're not even A-MAIZE-ING." 
   
     
   
   Tai: "So that's when tragedy struck my mental stability. After hearing that one sentence, those 10 words, I wanted to drop out, or hell, even leave to go to Vietnam!" 
   
     
   "Aushen, gesh your hand off my moush," muffled John. Austin removed his greasy, sweaty, and American-tone white hand from John's face. 
     
   
   IN THE BUS LINE 
   
     
   
   Tai: "So.. I learned two new things. One, the rarest thing in the world is no longer a bitcoin, it's a @*&#ing day where a kid has no homework. And two, I hate homework." 
   
     
   
   Austin: "I have none, probably because I'm not in any honors classes or anything like that except for biology. So Tai's got the short end of the stick. And I want to take the long end and stick it riiiight through his abdomen." 
   
     
   
   THE BAD FEW 
   
   
   BY TAI GOODMAN 
   
     
   
   
   
   Episode 3: Upstairs 
     
   
   LUNCHROOM/COMMONS 
   
   
   BEFORE SCHOOL 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   Tai plugged his ear buds into his chromebook. And then he started listening to music while playing his game. THe song was “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne. 
   But on the outside… 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   “ALL ABOARDD, HAHAHAHAHA!” 
   
   
   All of the students turned Tai’s way. 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   “AYE.. AYE.. AYE.. AYE..” 
   
   
   Most of them had one eyebrow risen, while the others were in confusion. 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   Then the guitar riff started playing. 
   
   
   Gabriel tapped sat down besides Tai and said, “ TAI!” 
   Tai looked up and said, “Hey,  GAY, how are you?” 
   
   
     
   
   
   Gabriel was waving his hands and pointed to Tai’s Chromebook. Tai misinterpreted the ‘sign language’ and said, “Oh I’m listening to Ozzy Osbourne!” 
   Gabriel shook his head and pointed to the earbud plugin on the side. “You want to listen too?” 
   Gabriel, with his hands like talons, scratched hairs out of his head. “ OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT?” 
   
   
     
   
   
   Tai removed the earbuds from his ears and still heard the music. “Tai, the headphone jack doesn’t work, you dingbat.” Tai pressed the ‘volume-down’ button on his Chromebook. “Oh. My bad.” 
   Tai entered the library quickly and said, “Hey, I was listening to music on my Chromebook and it played out loud.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   “Sweetie, use something called ‘earbuds,’” the librarian informed Tai, knowing the vague information. “No, no, that’s not what I mean. I have earbuds but it still plays out loud.” The librarian held out her hand, demanding his Chromebook. Tai gladly inserted the side into her hand, and she looked around its dimensions. 
   
   
     
   
   
   “Okay, so it might take a few weeks for this to be fixed… Do you want a regular Chromebook or do you want to wait until you get one with touchscreen like the one you have?” 
   Tai thought about this for a second. 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Tai: “Well DUH! I want one with touchscreen, because with touchscreen, you can use both the keyboard and mouse, AND the screen. You get more speed in what you do, and there’s 45 minutes in each class. Usually when I think it was 5 minutes in class, we’re already 20 minutes into class. Time flies by when you’re listening to human embodiments of tedium.” 
   
     
   “Sure, I’ll wait.” 
   He went back to his original table and sat down next to Gabriel. “So you’re one of those idiots who listen to Osbourne?” 
   Tai shook his head and went back to what he was originally doing. 
   
   
   THE BAD FEW 
   
   
   BY TAI GOODMAN 
   
   
   BASED OFF OF REALITY 
   
     
   
   SECOND PERIOD 
   
     
   "Welcome back class! Now, today we're learning about Polynomials. Does anybody know what that is? Because if you do, I'm not sure why you're in here and not Geometry A!" 
     
   One of the people raised his hands. It was Tre. 
     
   
   Tai: "Tre, or Trequavion, was put in Mrs. King's last year, when I saw him in Mr. Lightfoot's accelerated math. So I just had to ask... And Gabriel said:" 
   
     
   
   Gabriel: "He fell asleep in class too many times." 
   
     
   
   Tai: "And he got placed in the math before it. So it'd be pretty easy to get an A." 
   
     
   
   "I know what it is but I can't put it in words."  
   
   "Do you want to write one on the board?" Tre stood out of his seat and went to the board. He was handed an electronic pen for the electronic board. Then he scribbled a very confusing looking problem.  
   
   2x (to the second power) - 3y = 4y (to the third) + 6x 
   
     
   Tai smiled and told Dylan, "What the heck is this sorcery?" 
   "I don't know, all we know is that this is dark magic." 
     
   "Oh! That's a good example! You can take a seat now. So this is a... very confusing subject, but very easy once mastered!"  She passed out papers, hole-punched. "Well great. Now we get to learn how to speak cyborg." 
     
   John was in Mrs. Garrick's classroom. " So, I've gathered you all completed your 'I Believe' paragraphs and turned them in?"  spoke Mrs. Garrick. John looked around and said, " Oh sh**!" 
   John opened his Chromebook and went to Google Classroom, then turned it in.  "Because it's due tomorrow, I've giving you one more day because several of you don't have it done or even worked on it." 
     
   John rolled his eyes. " John Michael? Are you alright there, buddy?" 
   " Uh.. Yes sir- I MEAN, ma'am." 
     
   
   John: "Whenever I do something wrong that can lead to other stuff, I have a little nervous breakdown and try and fix it when I really can't." 
   
     
   
   THIRD PERIOD 
   
     
   Jacob and Tai both sat down in their world history classes. " SO, did anybody do the reading notes last night like they were supposed to?" said both of the teachers in their separate classes. 
     
   
   Tai: "Oh boy." 
   
     
   
   Jacob: "i hope this don't bring my grade down." 
   
     
   Tai pulled up the reading guide and filling it out. It was on the topic of Paleolithic and Neolithic.  It had questions with parts that went into parts A and B, and those went further into parts I and II. 
     
   "Jesus Christ." 
     
   Jacob only sat still with his AMSCO book out and a pile of random notebook papers filled out in a pile to look like notes. "Jacob, may I see yours?" "Yes ma'am," he said slowly. As she picked out the middle one, her eyes skimmed it. "You did..." Jacob's eyes looked around the room. "Very good!" Jacob smiled and thanked her. " At making grocery lists." 
   Jacob looked at the piece of paper.  
     
   
   Doritos 
   Mountain dew 
   Twinkies 
   
     
   " Oh this isn't a shopping list, THESE are my notes!" 
   Jacob held up the top paper. " That's ELA homework." 
     
   "Dang it!" 
     
   While in the other classroom, near the very end,  Tai had his reading guide nearly done. The bell was soon to ring. " Tai, do you have your notes from last night?" 
   "I don't, but I  DO HAVE  the reading guide!" 
     
   " Did you do that last night?" 
     
   " Umm... No?" 
   "Sorry Tai, but you have to do the notes! But you can still do the reading guide." 
     
   
   Tai: "What the hell's the criteria in this establishment?" 
   
     
   
   
   LUNCHROOM 
   
   
     
     
    "Hey guys, we got something to do in PE!" 
     
   " Who are we gonna do?"  John questioned Tai with a stupid facial expression. "John, this isn't a prostitution home, I said  SOMETHING not SOMEONE."  Jacob was laughing in his little corner. "Probably gonna f*** chairs or some sh**."  
   " Alright, then we're doing an ACTIVITY." 
   Dylan opened up his lunchbox.  He pulled out his usual stuff that he packed: Lunchable ripoff, juicebox, bag of chips. Then Austin Young reached in his bag and pulled out his juicebox. "Dude, what the- What the hell are you doing?" 
     
   "What's the point in trading for something I can just take, right?" Austin answered him. "Well it's MINE first of all, second of all you can't just take my stuff without asking." Dylan turned back to his part of the table, and all of his stuff was gone. " ALRIGHT WHO TOOK MY SH**?" 
   John gave Dylan back the lunchable ripoff, with only the meat inside of it. "Here you go man, protein." 
     
   "DUDE, WHAT THE HELL?"  
     
   "I TOOK OUT EVERYTHING THAT IS JUNK FOOD!" 
   Tai broke the verbal battle by reciting a poem.  
     
   " There once was a man from Peru. 
   
   
   He dreamed he was eating his shoe. 
   
   
   
   
   HE WOKE IN THE NIGHT.. 
   
   
   
   
   WITH A TERRIBLE FRIGHT... 
   
   
   
   
   TO FIND OUT 
   
   
   
   
   THAT HE HAD... 
   
   
     
     
     
   
   
   A MAN-GINA! DUN DUN DUNNNN!" 
   
   
     
   Everybody just looked at him.  "Tai that literally did nothing," Jacob told him.  
     
   
   FIFTH PERIOD 
   
     
   
   "Alright everybody, on your feet!" 
   
   Everybody was in a line and stood up. "A Skip!" 
     
   
   Tai: "There are a plethora of exercises that aren't even real. Probably crafted by the gym teachers! A Skip, Crossover Skip, Toy Soldiers, Crabwalk- I bet my house that these are just to make us look stupid on camera. Well... I like the crabwalk for another reason." 
   
     
   "CRABWALK!" screamed the coach. Tai asked Brock Fitzgerald, the kid in front of him, " 'ey, Brock, can I get in front of you?" 
   
   "Why? What for?" 
   
   
   "I don't wanna look stupid when I go last." 
   
     
   Brock nodded and he trotted behind Tai. When the whistle blew, Tai went with all of the other kids in his column, including Malle. Malle was crabwalking in front of Tai. Then he gave a thumbs up to the camera of the documentary crew.  
   After all of the exercises, the PE teacher said, "Alright. So we've got three choices, you can play basketball, four square, or walk up top." 
     
   Tai clapped his hands once and decided, "Alright, we're walking!" 
   Then once he reached the top, Malle was also walking at the same time he was. 
     
   
   Malle: "I absolutely hate exercise. But I'd kinda enjoy 4 Square. Still, walking is just- Calm, y'know?" 
   
     
   
   Tai: "Walking is the best way to exercise. And to get women." 
   
     
   Tai walked besides Malle and said, "SO hey...." 
     
   "Hiiii?" 
   John, Brock, Gabriel VanBrackle, and Jesse (along with the very sad and depressed looking Austin Young) walked upstairs to follow Tai and join in on the fact that he was doing something entertaining. Then the posse of five crowded around Tai. "Hey you little twerp, go back to adoption!" John said sarcastically. 
   Tai turned around, with one finger up, and said, "You see,  I don't like that, you gay fish." 
   Malle grinned.  "Gay fish?"  she thought in her head. 
     
   "Boy I'm straighten you out!"  
     
   
   "That's what she said," Tai called out. 
   
     
   "Why don't we play a game up here? We got all this room to run around... or we have this entire loop up here," John implied.  "Just in time! I just got an idea, we are all citizens, and Austin is a leper with ebola!" Tai came up with. 
   This game was played all day, and at the very end, everybody lined up at the door to leave. And Tai had something that he never noticed until his friends pointed it out. 
     
   Tai approached Malle and the rest. "So, you ready for theatre, cause I'm not?" 
   Malle looked down and said, "GOD, TAI! WHAT THE HELL?" 
     
   " What?" 
     
   "Your hand's bleeding!" 
     
   Tai looked down and saw his hand covered in blood. "Oh. Alrighty. I'm just gonna tough it out."  
   John came over to the group and said, "Whoa, Tai, what cut you?" 
     
   " I dunno!" 
     
   " You gonna go see the nurse?" 
     
   "No, nurses are for p***ies! I'm gonna freaking s-" 
     
   The blood from his hand dripped all over the floor. "F***, alright we gotta solve this debacle." Tai wiped it all over the wall. " TAI!" 
   Tai then stuck his hand in his pocket. "Have fun getting that out when you wash it," Austin told him.  As they were leaving, Austin tried to get the attention of a coach right outside the door. 
   "Hey, he needs-" 
     
   " A LAMBO-  shut up AUSTIN!!" 
     
   Tai sprinted into the theatre room. The average American (naive) human named Mae Mae asked Tai, " WHOA, you alright?"  
   "Fine, fine! Nothing to see!" 
     
   Then Chancey came to the table and joined in. " Tai, dude, go see the nurse."  "Nope, I've got this all under control!" 
   Then Mr. Alley entered the classroom and asked, "What's going on?" 
     
   
   Tai: "I ended up going to the nurse anyways." 
   
     
   
   THE BAD FEW 
   
   
   
   
   Episode 4: Coming Clean 
    Tai was walking to biology and all of a sudden, he was stopped by a tall Asian man. " Hey, it's Tai Goodman!" 
   
   Tai recognized him and paid no attention. 
   
     
   
   Tai: "That fellow communist is James Kemerait, or Jimmy. He's smart. And a douchebag. There is this thing he tends to do everytime he sees me for now on: Last year in science olympiad, I accidentally called room service and didn't say anything. And apparently they called 911. Now everybody thinks I straight up called 911, which is not true." 
   
     
   " Hey guys, DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A STORY?" Jimmy announced to his friends.  Tai walked up to Jimmy and informed him, " Jimmy, I got a rep in these streets, don't bring it down a notch by that crap." 
     
   
   "-SO WE WERE ON A SCIENCE OLYMPIAD FIELD TRIP.." 
   
     
   " MOTHERF-" 
     
   
   THE BAD FEW 
   
   
   BY TAI GOODMAN 
   
   
   BASED OFF OF REALITY 
   
     
   
   FIRST PERIOD 
   
     
   "Senor Goodman, where do you go to shop?" 
   
   Tai searched his memory in his mind.  " 
   It's... Sounds like 'ienda' or 'ierda' doesn't it? Wait... That's it! La mierda! The store!" 
   
   "La mierda." 
     
   Mr. Elizalde gave him an odd look. "Wait.. say it one more time?"  
   "La. Mierda." 
   He started laughing. "Spell it." Tai knew he had made a mistake, just not how big. "M-I-E-R-D-A." The teacher just kept on laughing. "Oh... Tai, I don't think you know what you're saying. You mean  la tienda? " 
     
   
   "Wait... What does la tienda mean?" 
   
   "The market." 
     
   
   Tai: "SO I used Google Translate, turns out that if you plug in the words, it's: 'I go to shop at the sh**.' Yes, mierda means sh**." 
   
     
   John had been stopped at the door of Mrs. Garrick's classroom. "Hey there, John. Question, why'd you turn in your science paper and not your 6 paragraphs?" John pursed his lips and said, "Ooh... Umm... I might have switched up the papers." She handed it back to him as he entered. " WAIT-" 
   Meanwhile, Mrs. Marzen, the biology teacher, was reading his 6 paragraphs. " TRUMP SUPPORTER? That little RAT!"  John pictured it all in his own head. "Oof." 
     
   Gabriel, however, was not having the time of his life in a class that could benefit his life, Geometry A. "Alright class, so get out your protractor and find the degrees of this angle. Do  number 1, 2, and 4. Skip number 3." 
     
   Gabriel used his protractor and found the angle measurements of each one.  
     
   
   Gabriel: "This is too easy. Give me something hard." 
   
     
   Gabriel received a sheet with a problem on it involving several angle measurements.  
     
   
   Gabriel: "I shouldn't have jinxed it." 
   
     
   
   HOMEROOM 
   
   Tai sat down his stuff to figure out two senior ambassadors were leading the lesson today. One of which, Tai knew, but didn't recognize him from the present tense to the past.  "Hi everybody, I'm Jared!" 
   "And I'm Cathy! We're your student ambassadors for this year in homeroom. So basically, in case you don't get it, we will be creating and giving you new activities in homeroom. So here's one:  We will throw around a ball, we will play music, and the last person to have it when it goes off must say something about themselves. If other people have that thing in common, then they stand up. And they throw it around. Easy peasy!" 
   
   Tai: "I swear to god if that ball hits me in the head, somebody's leg isn't gonna be connected anymore." 
   
     
    Tai caught the ball and the music stopped. "Umm... 
     
   I have a pair of feet. " 
     
   And later on, it happened again. 
     
   Tai caught the ball and said,  
   " I am a human." 
     
   
   Tai: "Why couldn't I come up with anything else? Because half the stuff that is good about me, most of the people in here DO NOT have. I mean, 1/5 of the guys in here are in advanced math or over. I fall into the 1/5, so I'm lucky. The other 4/5 have below 60 averages. It's a sad day in the world when you just can't pay attention in class." 
   
     
   
   FOURTH PERIOD 
   
     
   Tai entered the classroom and sat down his stuff. On the board, it read, "Open your Chromebooks, and get on Google Classroom for a quiz over Marigolds!" Tai shook his head. "Dear Christ." 
     
   
   Tai: "How do you expect your class to remember a story with 68 paragraphs? I'm not gonna tell you my score but I'll give you a hint, it's Topher Grace's age right now." 
   
     
   
   Malle: "I made a 70 by guessing. It's the pure strategy." 
   
     
   
   John: "I read it and got an 80." 
   
     
   
   Jacob: "I didn't even take it yet!" 
   
     
   Then after all of the tests were turned in, Mrs. Garrick had a speech of lecture for the entire class. "This is-" 
     
   
   Tai:  "Alright so I told the guys filming this to cut that part, because that took about 30 minutes. Let me put her speech into five words: That was absolutely unacceptable crap." 
   
     
   
   LUNCHTIME 
   
     
   "I gotta admit, I'm beginning to hate this school," Tai informed his squad. John shrugged and said, "Well hey, you feel what you wanna feel. Anyways, have you guys heard of the PSATs?" 
   "The  PTSD's?" 
   Malle shook her head in disappointment. "Taaaiii... DO YOU EVEN KNOW what PTSD even stands for?" Tai just sat there thinking of random things that could fill in the blanks.  "I know it's post-traumatic stress disorder.. But nah, I ain't gonna say that, because that's not funny."  
   Tai answered her question with:  "Is it Prison Transmitted Sexual Disease?" 
   The entire table laughed. " P-PRISON? WHA-AHAHAHAHAH!  And here I thought you Asians were supposed to be smart!" 
     
   "Yeah, we are, unlike you." Malle stopped laughing instantly and put on a straight face. " Oh yeah, what the hell's wrong with white people? Are they NOT?" 
   Tai grinned and looked into the camera. 
     
   
   Tai: "Nah. Because here's the pie chart for smart people, from my mind: 50 percent of Americans are white, 25 percent are African American, 24 percent are Hispanic, and that one percent is the Asian. In Britain, I bet nobody fails their classes. In this country, I bet my house that there are more than 50 students who have more than 2 failing grades." 
   
     
   
   Malle: "I'm not actually from America, I came from Quebec, Canada. It was annoying though, because all we heard was French speaking people. That's not why we came here, but we made a great choice coming here. And now I regret it. Here's a rundown of the guys in the group: 
   
     
   
   Tai is the Asian off-brand Harry Potter who isn't stupid but acts stupid. 
   
   
   Jacob is the skinny Fortnite addict. 
   
   
   Jesse is the obese Fortnite addict. 
   
   
   John takes nothing seriously half the time, and when he does is when he gets mad. 
   
   
   Austin Young is not funny at all and makes stupidass jokes. 
   
   
   Dylan, my boyfriend, is smart. But is also part Austin. 
   
   
   And then Daniel "Austin" Dawley is about the same as Tai, except he's not Asian. 
   
     
   
   Then here I am, and I'll admit I'm not that smart. And I act like it. My greatest asset, right there." 
   
     
   "Hey, Jesse, look over here at my fort!" Jacob told Jesse while playing on Fortnite. "Boy, you gonna get wrecked!" 
   Tai snatched his phone and threw it deep into the commons. " DUDE! WHAT THE F***? THAT WAS MY F***ING PHONE YOU F***ING PIECE OF F***ING SH**! That's it! TEACHER! HE JUST THREW MY PHONE!" 
     
   Tai was sitting there laughing. " WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT? YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT GODDAMN PHONE, YOU ASSHOLE!" 
   "It's that you actually thought I threw your phone, are you kidding me?" 
   The phone slid onto the table and out of Tai's sleeve. " How- How'd you do that? I saw it flying, though!" 
   "I have a few tricks up my sleeve, like your phone." 
     
   "You son of a bitch, you better not do that again!"  Jacob threatened him. Tai shook his head and said, "Alright, let's do it again." 
   
   "WHAT THE HELL- NO! You scared the f*** outta me!" 
   
   Austin Young started playing the DOOM soundtrack on his phone, out loud. Tai smiled, pointed at Austin, and said, "Austin, turn that crap off." 
   "Austin!" "DUDE, TURN IT OFF!" 
   "Nobody wants to hear that sh**!" 
     
   
   Austin: "What? Doom's a great game!" 
   
     
   
   Tai: "So.. you told me he said Doom was a great game. RIGHT. But what he didn't know was that nobody wants to hear the retro soundtrack on repeat for 10 minutes." 
   
     
   Tai leaned forwards in all serious and yelled, "Austin, if you don't quit, your mother's in danger." Austin pressed the volume up button on his phone. " Alright, so let's vote: All in favor of banishing Austin, say Aye!" 
     
   "Aye." 
   "Aye." 
   "Aye." 
   "Aye." 
   "Aye-BALL." 
     
   " Great. Happy trails!" 
   
   Austin: "Yeah, I had to sit in the corner for the rest of lunch." 
   
     
   "Malle's like a brick, she's solid, boring, and flat on both sides!" Jacob roasted her. 
     
   
   "OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!" went the entire table (not including Malle). 
   
    Then the whole room went, " OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!" 
     
   
   Tai: "This monstrosity you just saw there, that's happened twice now. And it's the exact same thing that happens when one person starts clapping, or fighting." 
   
     
   
   SIXTH PERIOD 
   
     
   
   Tai: "So let me give you a rundown of what happened, Chancey was bugging the f*** outta me because I had a plan to ask out Malle. I have a pre-planned but unsent email ready to send on September 16th, random date. And then I was telling Chancey, and she started to talk to me during Julia's demonstration of a monologue. Then she stole my Chromebook for a few seconds. And I went to plan B. Plan B took 4 seconds to come up with. All because of that blonde slut." 
   
     
   "NO WE AREN'T DOING THIS NOW!"  Tai scolded her. Chancey  stole Tai's chromebook and showed her the pre-email. 
     
   
   Tai: " UH-OH, RETARD ALERT!" 
   
     
     " BULLSH**- I MEAN, GABE! Let's go outside and  practice the monologues!" 
   
   "Sure." 
   
   Gabriel got up and starting walking.  "GABE, WHAT'RE YOU WAITING FOR? CHINESE NEW YEAR? GO GO GO!"  Tai and Gabriel exited the classroom. "Alright, so... Uh..." 
   Tai slid downwards against the wall with his hands on his face. "I messed up pretty bad. Didn't I." Gabriel grinned and said, "At asking out Malle?" 
   "How the heck'd you know?" 
   "Buddy I've been there, done that, got a boyfriend."  Tai shook his head and sighed. "Well I'm not gay so that doesn't apply to me." Then Malle and Chancey both came outside of the room. Tai whispered in Gabe's ear: "So Malle is Tweedle-Dee, and Chancey is Tweedle-Dumb." 
     
     
   "Hey. Tai, I'd say yes but I'm currently with Dylan at the moment. So I have to talk to him before we do anything." A tear dripped down Tai's cheek. " Oh- Alright." 
     
   
   
   Tai: "I feel like jumping off a building now." 
   
   
     
   
   Gabriel: "So yeah, that just happened. But I have no say because I'm gay." 
   
   
   
   
   Chapter 5: Teen Maze 
     
   
   LUNCHROOM 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   Tai handed his lunchbox to his friend, Brenton. “Take this to the table.” 
   “Wha-Why I gotta do it, it’s your stuff!” 
   
   
     
   
   
   “Just do it, I have to go take a piss.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Tai: “It takes… 40 minutes to get to the school. SO I go to the restroom straight when I get there. Also, it’s the same day of the Teen Maze; A piece of crap build from gym mats, metal cubicle walls, and plastic tables. 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   The worst part is: You don’t choose your fate, it’s based off of pulling out of bags, dice rolls, wrist bands, and wheel spins. SO you can get arrested, go to jail, have sex, get a kid, have sex again, leave the first kid, get another kid, have sex again, get herpes, then get a job. Then have sex again and die of AIDS.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   Tai walked out of the bathroom and peeked into the gym. The very first thing he saw was a very tall sign marking one of the stations. “BAHAHAHAHAHAH! No! NO THAT’S- THAT CAN’T BE REAL!” 
   
   
     
   
   
   He fell to the floor laughing, revealing a sign labeled in bold black letters: 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   “DFCs Station.” 
   
   
   
   THE BAD FEW 
   
   
   BY TAI GOODMAN 
   
   
   BASED OFF OF REALITY 
   
     
   
   THIRD PERIOD 
   
   
   
   
   
   Hunter Baker, a  student in Tai’s class who just did the teen maze, came back in and announced what he received. And it wasn’t very pleasant, either. Though it was inferrable what happened when he had a high school diploma and a booklet. 
   “ SO we were taken to a-” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   Tai: “Nope. No spoilers.” 
   
   
   
   
     
   
   
   “ And then I had sex with some girl and got something called ‘Sigh-fil-ees.’” Tai, and the rest of his classmates squinted, as Sighfilees was NOT an STD. And then they all said, “You mean SIPHILIS?” 
   
   “Oh, is that what it was? Well anyways, whatever STD you got, they’ll show you a picture of somebody who got it. I had to look at-” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   Tai: “Uh-uh, no spoilers.” 
   
   
   
   
     
   
   
   Meanwhile, Malle was doing biology when somebody in her class came in boasting about the Teen Maze with a booklet and… Criminal records. “Oh wow. So I’m guessing… You got arrested?” she asked the student. “ Yeah, I got arrested for-” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   Tai: “Ah ah ah, you didn’t say the magic word!” 
   
   
   
   
     
   
   
   He showed her a picture of a mugshot and a fingerprint template. Each fingerprint was revealed with black ink, and all of their information was forged onto the piece of very flexible but hard-to-rip paper. “Oh, boy. Arrested for-” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   Tai: “Yeet, you ain’t hearing that.” 
   
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Meanwhile, Tai realized that the order people went to the maze in was alphabetical. SO since Hunter BAKER went, John Michael Beaumont and Jesse Boone also went.  
   
   Tai looked at the fake graduation diploma he hand under his hand. “So… you graduated from high school?” 
   “Yeah, I got a-” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   Tai: “Nah, nope. No spoilers!” 
   
   
   
   LUNCHTIME 
   
   John sat down along with Jesse and Jacob.  “Did you guys go to the Teen Maze crap today?” Tai asked them. “Yeah,” they both said in unison. “ Did you guys get STDs?”  John stared at Tai and then said, “Yes.” 
   “ WOW. WOWWWW! JOHN MICHAEL BEAUMONT RISKED THIRD BASE FOR AN STD!”  Jesse said, “I got-” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   
   Tai: “No no no! We aren’t spoiling it!” 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   “And then I went to jail,” said Jesse, finishing his speech. “Well, that’s great. By the way, where’s Malle?” 
   “We don’t know,” Dylan told him. Then all of a sudden, the entire lunchroom started clapping when the lights turned off. “WOOOOO!” cheered one of the students. John nudged Dylan. “Hey, bro, what’s happening right now?” 
   
   “I don’t know, they all just started clapping.”  
   
   Then their entire table joined in and started clapping for no reason. Then Tai just randomly screamed, “You’re all gay!” 
   Then the clapping stopped after about 5 seconds. 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   Tai: “Turns out, one of the staff members bumped into the lightswitch and turned off the lights. And this makes this three times that this has happened- No not the lightswitch, but the clapping.” 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   “ I’m kind of afraid, to say the least. Y’know, about the teen maze. I heard that if you get an STD, they hold it in front of you.” 
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “The STD?” Austin implied. 
   
   
   
     
   
   
   
   “No, you retard. A picture of it.” 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   TAI'S EXPERIENCE IN THE TEEN MAZE 
   
     
   Tai was given a checked paper band. "Oh boy, now I can tell what this is for."  
     
   
   Tai: "Oh by the way, none of the choices are made for you. So I bet this is one of the things that do." 
   
     
   He walked into a 'party room' also known as the ROTC room. There was a rainbow strobe light, an old man on the DJ station, and a bunch of freshmen. " Here are the rules of the party: Number 1, no alcohol. Number 2, stay away from the walls. Number 3, you have to dance." 
     
   
   Tai: "This party blows." 
   
     
   Tai walked over to a freshman blocking two nearly closed panels in the back. "Hey, can you move for a second?" She scooted to the left and Tai peered through the walls. Nobody was in there. "Alright." Then he stood in the middle of the room and didn't dance. Then the " Cha Cha Slide"  started playing. 
   " Let's get  funky!" 
     
   
   Tai: "Let's not." 
   
     
   " Everybody clap your hands!"  
   Nobody clapped their hands.  
     
   " Get funky wid-it!  To the left!" 
   Tai walked to his right. 
   
   "Take it back now yall!" 
   
   Tai stepped forwards. 
   " One hop this time!" 
   Tai didn't jump. 
   " Let's go to work!" 
   "I don't have no job." 
   " To the left!" 
     
   
   Tai: "How did this song get popular, this is just the Cupid Shuffle with a load of extra bullcrap moves added in just to avoid copyright complications. And it's also a song to make fat people exercise." 
   
     
   
   "How low can you go?" 
   
   Tai fell on the floor, face-first. 
   
   "Can you bring it to the top? Like it never gonna stop!" 
   
   Tai climbed on top of a shelf without being noticed. 
   
   "Charlie Brown!" 
   
     
   
   Tai: "What in the flying f*** is Charlie Brown?" 
   
     
   Then a group of  REAL  police officers entered the room. "Alright everybody, hands up!"  
   Bryce Giddens held up both hands, and shot two birds. Tai put up his hands. The "DJ" said, "Get the one in the middle of the room." 
   "WHAT?"  Tai exclaimed. A police officer went over to him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Alright buddy, come on."  
     
   
   Tai (while being "arrested"): "I got arrested for being Asian. I mean, I did everything the guy told me to. And this is what I get in return?" 
   
     
   The police officer said, "You been drinking?" Tai shook his head and said, "Yeah,  water and Coca Cola."  He shook his head sarcastically and said, "You smell like beer." Tai sniffed himself and said, "No, that's Axe body-spray you smell."  
   Tai was brought to the locker room, also known as the jailroom. " Oh boy! So this a double-whammy! We get arrested, AND MOLESTED in here." 
     
   A woman with a camera ordered Tai to put on a white and black striped jail jacket.  
     
   
   Tai: "Wow. So these people are on LSD. This is not what being arrested looks like." 
   
     
   
   
   THE AVERAGE KID'S VISION OF BEING ARRESTED 
   
   
     
   In a vision, Tai was in a party with a bunch of alcoholics. Then the police open the door slowly and yelled, "Everybody, put your hands up."  
   "Oh no, the police arrived!" everybody said with no emotion. "Wait. Don't arrest  me!  I swear I definitely didn't drink anything!" Tai said. "You are a liar. Come with me or I will shoot you in the face and kill you!" the officer responded. "Okay officer! Let's go to jail!" 
     
   
   THE REAL POLICE 
   
     
   Everybody was enjoying the party, then police busted inside and said, " EVERYBODY, HANDS UP!"  
   
   "PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" 
   
   Tai was slammed on the ground and arrested. Then he was tested for alcohol. "You got a 0.9! You have the right to remain silent- Anything you say will be used in court against you." 
    "ALRIGHT, just put me in your car already!" 
   
   REALITY 
   
     
   Tai was ordered to sign his name on the fingerprint sheet. " Alright, put your name right here." Tai wrote something out. " The Rock?" the officer asked, confused. 
   
   "Yep." 
   
   Then Tai was brought over to a station where he was ordered to walk in a straight line in order to prove he wasn't drunk. And was handed a pair of suspicious looking goggles. " This is a rigged experiment, these are drunk goggles."  
   
   "JUST PUT ON THE GOGGLES." 
   
     
   Tai failed this part of the test, then was lined up in front of a Judge. "All of you have been charged with the crime of DUI, you will be sentenced to 6 months of community service, a fine of 20 grand, each. You will be sent to life-skills educaiton. Any questions?" 
   "Yes, did you just graduate and keep the gown or are you a real judge?" 
     
   
   Tai: "And then the stupid part came. When I get released from JAIL, I immediately get a girlfriend somehow."  
   
     
   Tai walked over to a station called Hot Date #2. "Oh boy! Time to get laid by nothing!" Tai was lectured to about dating, and found a girlfriend. Then went to some other station, drew out of a bag, and received an STD. 
     
   " SON OF A BITCH!" 
     
   Tai was ordered to go to the STD lab. And right there on a stand was a wheel containing several different STDs, and death symbols. "Didn't use protection, did you?" 
   " Does a firearm count?" 
     
   "No, we mean condoms." 
     
   "Oh, those little fancy homes. Not sure what that has to do with protection." 
     
   "No, those are CONDOS." 
     
   "Alright whatever." 
     
     
    He was ordered to spin the colorful wheel, and the dial landed on red. " Oh boy, what is this one, rash?"  She pulled something out of a red bag. And it read:  "You got HPV!" 
   "What in the f-" 
     
   
   Tai: "HPV? Either this is a typo or this is something I've never heard of. HPV... Humane Prevention Virus." 
   
     
   Tai was brought over to a bunch of tri-fold displays with pictures of courriers who have STDs pasted on the walls.  " WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?" 
   " Alright, so you got HPV?" 
   "Yes, yes, can we hurry this up, I can't look at that anymore!" 
     
   
   Tai: "The jail card was handy. Everytime I had to see an STD, I'd quickly remove it from out of the front of my face. I need to learn about it but I don't need to freaking see someone with a wishbone shaped nose." 
   
     
   Then Tai went to the graduation area, which wasn't specified why. The person handed him a gown and a graduation cap. " Wait wait wait... How'd I graduate by getting an STD?" 
   " Who cares? Alright so step in these and get in the picture." Tai stepped into the photo range, and made a retarded face. Then he was sent to a table, with a coconut cupcake, and waited for his photo to be printed.  
     
   
   Tai: "So you can graduate from high school immediately after getting an STD? Hmm... interesting. Anyways, I completed the Teen Maze. I went to jail for being illegal, but on here it says DUI. I didn't even drive so that makes no sense. I immediately had sex, got HPV, and then graduated. I learned a lesson today.  
   
     
   
   It's that doing it with a woman is never worth it. 2nd and 1st comes before third." 
   
   
   
   Publisher: BookRix GmbH & Co. KG Implerstraße 24 81371 Munich Germany Publication Date: May 10th 2019 https://www.bookrix.com/-ev62d6e51057ea5 ISBN: 978-3-7438-8449-6