text: Arianna Baum Longing loving who you arent suppose to is hard to all my loved ones 
   
   
     
   “Ian please think about what you’re doing!” Liz screamed as he neared the edge. Come to think of it I have no idea where we are! 
  “I’m sorry Liz! I’ll always love you.” And with that he fell to his death. The sound of his body hitting the still water beneath me is revolting. To make matters worse I peek over the edge and am surprised to still be able to see his corpse floating a top of the water. I flinch as the once still water conquers up vast wave’s that knock into Ian repeatedly until his once warm body is violently tossed up against the immense rock just beneath the cliff. 
  	Oh god I think. Tears began to drip down my cheeks and into the water below. Sadness washes over me as I stand back up. It’s a few minutes later before I’m able to think again. What am I going to do? My best friend kills himself as I watch! I call the police. 
  	As I wait for them to fish his body out of the ocean I have time to think. What are they going to do? I’ve already gone through extensive questioning over and over again. What do they think? Did I kill him? I can’t even answer that question myself! If only I could have said yes! Why couldn’t i? I did love him, just not the way he wanted. Did he really kill himself over me? Oh god I was driving myself insane! 
  I hear the sound of shouting. 
  “We’ve got parts of him!” a man yells from farther down the coast. I’m going to be sick! And with that I start to heave. The vomit smells horrid. I start to slowly walk down the coast careful not to be in the same place as the men who found th-th-the pieces. The heaving starts again and the officer who questioned me drive’s me home. 
  	 The second my head hits the pillow I’m gone. Somewhere deep in slumber. I try not to remember the past two days without. In which I am incapable. The dream starts with in the same hour he says those haunting words. The embrace is like a shock. Painful yet pleasing. 
  “I love you!” he whisper’s in my ear. And with that I pull way. Not knowing what else to do I run. Faster and faster down the beach kicking sand up behind me. The faster I run the better I began to feel. I decide to look back and see he hasn’t moved from the spot where he held me in his arms. The expression on his face leaves me with a vile feeling as I see the tear trickle down the side of his face. I instantly began to feel rotten knowing I hurt him. My stomach churns as I see him slowly turn his back to me. The simple act brings tears to my eyes. I instantly try to think of something to reassure him anything at all but my mouth seems to have stopped working. Knowing now that running was the most childish thing I could have done there I slowly start to make my way back to him but it seems the faster I go the farther he seems to go. My legs feel like they’re made out of lead. 
  	He vanishes. Just like that once there and now gone. I look up at the cliff and see that he was there. I shout wordless things at him.im still screaming even as he hurdles himself off the rim and hit’s the water. This time I choose not to stand here and watch. I start to wade in deeper and deeper and I’m soon swimming. Pushing myself harder and faster with each stroke I take.  Soon I reach the spot where he went under. I dive down searching looking around. Even though the salt in the water burns my eyes I push the pain aside and keep searching. His body is nowhere to be found. I recall the words from the man…earlier? We found pieces we found pieces we found pieces we found pieces. What if I found him like that? Soon I spot an object…floating or swimming towards me. Ian passes me. I look over him. Thank god he’s in one piece! The weirdest thing happens next. He says something to me that breaks my heart. 
  “You killed me!” he says sounding heated. 
  “NO!” I say. Feeling like the worst person I start to cry again. 
  “You didn’t love me?” he says sounding like a question I decide not to respond having nothing else to say. I start to swim away. The agony I feel in my in my chest starts to throb. I feel like I’m running out of breath. I start to panic when I feel something wrap around my ankle. I look back to find Ian not there. The pull at my ankle drags me under. I open my eyes once fully under water. Looking around I see the faces of loved ones I’ve lost. My parents, my grandmother, Ian. The faces of the dead surround me as I drift farther down. The twinge I began to feel in my lungs reminds me of my need to breathe. I kick free of the hold on my ankle and push through the faces of the dead. The time my head surfaces a large wave takes me back under. The same thing happens as I continue to try to breathe. I began to feel the pull on my ankle. In the heist of all the panic I’m thrown against the large rocks again and again. I began to drift in thought as I sink farther down. Thinking of all the faces I saw remembering each last moment I’ve had with them. The fire, oh god the fire. My parents already in body bags when I return home.  I can’t think about that know as I fight for my life. I decide to not think anymore. I’ve run out of strength all the adrenaline gone. I decide to just fade away. 
  	 I awake in the middle of the night. My pillows soaked with tears I cried at night. My heart still racing from the nightmare. I stand up and walk to the bathroom down the hallway. The floor creaked as I tip toed across it trying not to wake Jessica my roommate. Once in the bathroom I turn then close and locked it. The sink in the bathroom seemed too loud when I turned it on. Ooh well I think as I splash water against my face trying to clear away any signs of the tears. The knock on the door had me nearly jump out of my skin. 
  “What?” I ask. My voice sounding tired. 
  “Sorry just checking to see if you’re alright.” She says sounding sad. She had known Ian to, not as well as I did but they were close. I could tell by her voice she had been crying. I still couldn’t tell if she blamed me for his death or not. I was too afraid that the answer would be yes if I asked. 
  “I’m fine.” I say in response. I leave the bathroom in a hurry hoping she didn’t see my speedy escape. Once I’m back in my room I check to see how wet the pillow was and decide it’s useless so I toss it to the corner of my room telling myself  I’ll clean it tomorrow. I lie back down and close my eyes hoping to not have another dream like the last one. By now it’s almost impossible to fall back into sleep. I roll over and check my alarm clock. Three thirty-seven. Three an another half hours sleep and I need to go to work. Working an old bar isn’t as fun as it sounds. No wait it doesn’t even sound fun, me and… Ian used to have the same shift so the pain was dulled as we worked fourteen hours daily working from eight in the morning till ten at night was exhausting. Just thinking about it made me regret the coming hours. 
  	The buzzing wouldn’t stop. I peeled my eyes open one at a time. Alarm clock. I rolled over trying to swat at it. Finally I stood up and turned it off. That can’t be right! The digital numbers read eight twenty-two! Crap I’m going to be so late. I ran to the bathroom and turned my straightener on. Washing my face and brushing my teeth at the same time to speed up the process. The straightener started to smoke as I ran it through my hair. Mascara was the last step besides clothes. Brushing over my already dark lashes making them seems so long. I grabbed some clothes and ran out the door. Running into the old musty bar was the last thing I wished to especially since there were signs of Ian everywhere. His image haunting me everywhere I go. 
  “There she is!” Marcy exclaimed sounding so relieved. “You owe me.” She whispered as she walked by me and out the front door. And my shift began. Men asking for drinks, women complaining and talking about their problems. Ughh would never end? My night perked up as a striking young man walked in and sat down right across from me. 
  “Scotch on the rocks.” He said in his rich voice. 
  “Alrighty.” I say perking up because my shift Is almost over. Last one!  
  “…and your number please.” He says from across the counter eyeing me like im some sort of candy. A blonde lady from across the bar spots him and comes to make her move.  
  “Hey sweet thang, what can I buy you?” she says in her fake southern accent. I scoff at her attempt to get his attention when he clearly doesn’t want her company. I wait to her what his response will be. 
  “Actually I’m waiting for someone.” He says with displeasure in his voice. 
  “Really?” the blonde asked like she didn’t believe him. 
  “Yes now if you could be so kind as to move!” he practically yells at her. The blonde gets up and almost runs back to her friends who were hysterical by now. I laugh quietly to myself. 
  “Where’s my drink?” he asked using the same annoying tone. I shot him a dirty look and gazed at the clock. I shot him a devilish smile and told him where to stick it! Shift was over and I was free to drink!  
  “Hey!” he bellowed at me as I walked away with a drink in my hand. He got up from where he was at and grabbed hold of my shoulder. 
  “I’m off the clock.” I tell him as I try to walk away. But he just won’t let go! So turn around and kick him where I know it’ll hurt. He stumbles back in shock that I would do such a thing. I start to walk away again and make it out of the club before he and his buddy’s ambush me in an alley way behind the bar. Still with the drink in my hand I’m backed up against one of the grungy walls. The place reek’s almost as bad as the man’s breathe who thinks he can play with the end of my shirt. I let the drink fly as his filthy hand work their way up my back. Another man walks into the alley. Great I think another to put me out of my misery. 
  “Hey lowlifes can’t you get any willingly?” the new guy asks. 
  “Back off parker she’s already pissed us off.” The one with the horrid breathe says. And in the blink of an eye the fight begins. Parker is surprisingly a good fighter as well as attractive. Tall, dark and handsome! His bright green eyes are visible from half way down the alley. His dark brown hair barley long enough to reach his eyes but the way he pushes them out of the way is adorable. His hair is short but he is well muscled. His shirt looks too tight spread out across his chest. 
  	A thug slams against the wall next to me. The only man left is the one holding me against the wall. Watching all this fighting has got me well feeling like I could probably kick this one’s ass and so I try. I try to turn around as he grab’s me and pulls me to him lips puckered. I decide to give some. I bang my forehead hard against his nose and the crunching sound that sends shivers up my spine. I look at the damage I’ve done and I’m repulsed by the way his defiantly broken nose flops back and forth and he tries to get a better hold on me. The man tries to help me. But I yell at him to stop. 
  “Are you sure?” he asks. 
  “Yes!” I yell at him. 
  I shove hard against the thug still pinning me against the wall I draw my foot back and lets it fly to his destination. I put all of my strength into this one kick. That one really did a number on him though I got enough room to wriggle free. I was about to run when I decided I hadn’t put him through enough torture yet. I turned around and let my right hook fly only to have it caught by the mysterious stranger. 
  “Let’s go!” he stage whispered in my ear. I start to run but only to feel the alcohol I had drank earlier against employee protocol but you know I couldn’t careless with one hand around my waist and another grabbing my legs. He carried me off into the night. 
  	I awoke to start off a shower. When I fully opened my eyes I realized I wasn’t home. And I was late for work again! I got up feeling groggy and looked down. I wasn’t even in my own clothes! It looked like an old t-shirt. I then started to look for all my stuff. I see my boots at the end of the bed and bend down to grab them. I feel hands on my hips and I nearly jump out of my skin! I turn around to see who it was and find it to be my savior from last night. And when I look over his body well…he’s only got on a towel. And that there makes my heart race a mile a minute. 
  “Morning.” Is all he says as he goes through his draws picking clothes out. Ok then I Say nothing back as I start to head for the door. 
  “Where do you think you’re going?” He asks actually surprised. 
  “Home I have a life to get back to and I need to be at the police station!” I say. He raises an eyebrow at the police station thing but doesn’t question me. 
  “I’ll drive you.” He says as he drops his towel. Oh my god. I feel my cheeks turning pink but I just can’t remove my eyes from his perfect body. I swear I’m going to start to drool! I’m finally able to look away as he slips on his boxers. I’m afraid he saw that so I try to avoid hi eyes. 
  “Liz…I’m sorry.” He says suddenly. 
  “For what?” I ask suspiciously. 
  “We need to leave now.” Leave? Is he crazy if I avoid going to the police station I’ll be blamed for Ian’s death! And being a fugitive isn’t on my to-do list.  
  “Are you crazy?” knowing I probably won’t believe anything that he’s going to say I still wait for a response. 
  “A little. Buts that’s not the point. I brought you into something I shouldn’t have. You see I’ve been hired to protect you.” He admits. I’m in awe. I plan to tell him off but no words come out of my mouth. I don’t know really if this is a joke or what. He seems so serious… I’m broken off in thought by his shouting 
  “There are people out there who want to kill you! Are you even listening to me!?” he calls from down the hallway. I hadn’t even noticed he’d moved. 
  “yeah.” I say barely above a whisper. He tosses something at me and my reflex’s take over. I catch it before it smack’s me in the face. I look down at the object. It was a gun.  
  “Do you know how to use that?” his voice muffled by the shirt he’s pulling over his head. I shake my head. 
  “Of course. Are you ever going to say something?” he asks irritated by my silence. 
  “Maybe.” I say. After that there was a loud crash in the other room. He casually walks into the other room. I hear gun shots and cussing. I turn to run but am surprised as the figure coming back into the room is parker. 
  “Your shot?” it sounded like a question. He nods his he, picks me up and jumps out the second story window. We land on the ground with a thud. A burst of wind makes me shiver. Parker reaches back into his pack and hands me a jacket. As his arm goes back I see streaks of red on his shirt and before he can stop me I lift it up to just see a scrap. I let out a sigh of relief. 
  “Got any big band aids?” I ask. That sends him to hysteria.  
  “What?” I ask. He ignored me. 
  “Let’s go.” There’s another crash inside the house. We race to his car. 
  	Once were on the road I shower him in questions that he really doesn’t answer. 
  “What the hell?” I yell at him. 
  “You’re very welcome.” He says sounding irritated again. 
  “Who are they?” I say into my elbow as I sneeze. 
  “They are the people who want you dead.” He says sounding smug. 
  “Why do they want me dead?” I say with feeling. 
  “Don’t know.” He shrugs. That was the end of our conversation. I should have said I loved you back. Then I wouldn’t be here I would be in the arms of someone who really did love me not in this car with a stranger. The thought of Ian brought back all the dreams and memories of him…good and bad. Tears wake me up. The wet stuff is all over my face and with the a/c on the cold air numbs my cheeks. We’ve been in the car for hours and by now the police are probably blaming his death on me! The thought of that makes me what to vomit. I couldn’t have possibly killed him! He was my friend. I remember just three days ago we were sitting on his couch watching movies I had rented at the nearest blockbuster. This whole thing just felt like a dream. How badly I really wished it were. The sound of the car pulling over made me open my eyes. We were parked at a hotel whose name I could read through all the tears in my eyes. I open my car door and stepped out into the cool night air. It felt good to be able to stand. I looked over at parker who looked like he had something to say but instead his eyes trailed over my body. Everywhere his eye look felt warm and tingly I couldn’t stop the next shudder. I smile at him and start to walk in then stopping to think isn’t it weird that were walking to a hotel without bags? He seems to have read my mind as he walks over to the trunk and removes to duffel bags. The lady at the counter takes one look at me asks what happen.  
  “A friend recently died.” I say sadness leaking into my voice. 
  “Ooh poor dear! Are you alright?” she asks like she’s ready to jump over the desk in case I collapse. 
  “That’s why we’re here. I’m trying to get her away from all the memories. I don’t want her to go into a state of depression.” Parker says looking rather bored. The lady takes one look at him and grin’s. I know what she’s looking at. He looks beautiful the way his dark hair is tousled and his muscle bulging and his rosy lips. He’s a sight for sore eyes I’ll admit that. But the lady looks at me when she answers. 
  “How lucky are you to have such kind and loving boyfriend?” she says with emphasis on the boyfriend part. 
  “No see you’ve got it all wron…” I start to say but I’m interrupted by parker. 
  “Yes she is now could we get a room?” he asks sounding like he’s getting irritated by the normal girl banter.  
  “Yes. Would you like one or two rooms?” she asks kindly. I say two and parker says one and with the look he shot at me I shut my mouth. 
  “One please.” He asks just as sweetly as she did almost mocking her. She looks at me and I have half the mind to say two again but I really just want to get out from under the check in ladies watchful gaze so I just nod and smile. She hands us a key without a word and goes back to whatever she was doing before we came along...which was probably nothing. 
  “That could have went better.” He mumbles as we make our way towards the elevator. I nod my head in agreement wishing he could just leave me alone.  
  	Once inside the room I head straight for the shower. The hot water kneading the knots out of my back. I just sit there thinking about what’s going to happen when there’s a knock on the door. 
  “I’m busy!” I yell at him. 
  “Hurry up!” he shouts back through the door. Just for that I decide to take some extra time to condition my long dark hair. The second knock on the door sets me on edge but the third just pisses me off! Couldn’t I grieve for god sake? I mean I lost a friend and now the life that had taken me years to build after the fire. 
  	I slowly step out of the shower and onto the cold tile floor. Towels? i think as a cool breeze hits me. Were we’re the towels? I search through the bathroom only to figure out that I’m blind. I wrapped one around my head and the second one around my body taking the only towels I could find and exit the bathroom. 
  	He was standing right there. When I opened the bathroom door he was everywhere. I pushed him aside as I mutter bad things about him. Once he was in the bathroom I took my towels off and started to dig through the bags. Mine was the purple one, big surprise it was filled with clothes I would think twice about wearing. Putting on a matching set of bra and panties I began to shuffle farther down into the thing. I pass the naughty nighties and almost barged into the bathroom demanding what the hell was he planning!  But no instead I ripped each one out of the bag and tossed them into the corner of the room. I searched for more appropriate attire. I found some decent looking women’s boxer shorts and tossed them on now on to a shirt. I look for tanks tops and came across a bag. It was filled with the necessity’s like tooth brush and razor’s. And something to go with the nighty piles, condoms I tossed them onto the nighties and kept searching. Aha jackpot! I found the hoodies section pulling my favorite one out of the pile I tossed it onto the next to the desk. Tank tops are harder to find than you’d think. I search through the entire bag and only find tees. Oooh well I think as I slip one on. I put the stuff I dug out back into the bag and toss the back on the floor. Keeping the bag I found out I had I went to bang on the door. That’s when I noticed it wasn’t even closed all the way! I am about to holler at him to get out when the shower turn off. I peek into the crack. Bad choice right before he steps out of the shower he says… 
  “Need anything?” he asked sounding amused. The sound of his voice sends me skittering across the room and from there I yell… 
  “Get out I’m not done yet!” did he see me or was he just checking up on me? The thought of being caught made my cheeks pink. As I stood up the door creaked and he walked out…butt naked. Shit!  Now I almost regret taking both towels. This time I avert my eyes grab my bag and head for the bathroom. Once in there I turn and close the door. I pull the tooth brush and tooth paste out of my bag and began brushing. Once done with that I decide to run a brush through my hair. I head out of the bathroom and see he’s still not dressed. He looks at me and then the pile of nighties raising and eyebrow. 
  “Would you mind putting on some clothes?” I ask my voice sounding stronger than I feel. 
  “No I love watching that look on your face when you sneak a peek.” He says sound so cocky right now. That makes me sick I think as I crawl into bed. He slips on some boxers and crawls in next to me. I’m about to turn around and kick him out of the bed but what he says next has me stunned.  
  “I’m so sorry for all of this.” He says as he brushes hair out of my eyes. Me too I think. 
  	When I wake I’m not surprised to see parker is gone. The dreams last night were almost as bad as the night before. I reply him jumping over and over again until it’s permanently burned into my brain. My pillow is wet. I hope it’s from tears. As I make my way down stairs into the ‘brunch’ area I see parker sitting. I decide I rather eat breakfast in my room and as I’m about to walk out I hear him calling my name repeatedly. 
  “Liz! Liz! Come here where you are going?” He shouts from across the room. Not caring about the looks people are shooting him. I turn around and make my way towards the muffins. I make some coffee and snatch the last blueberry muffin and make my way to the table where he sit’s drinking his coffee. 
  “Good morning!” he says all happy. It makes me want to smack the grin off his face. Yeah I think I would be if I took a swing at you. 
  “Shut up this is still all your fault not matter how much you apologize for it…!” I shout in his face. 
  	I’m interrupted by the man sitting beside me at another table. 
  “I’m glad you’re not like that.” He tells the woman across from him…thinking it’s his wife I turn around and tell him to mind his own damn business. He turns around and looks like he’s going to take a swing at me. Parker jumps up and almost knocking the table over in his haste. The man also stands I almost laugh at loud at the difference. Parker towers over the man also were his muscle bulge then man well I don’t even think you can qualify his as muscles. 
  	“Thanks.” I say before we reach our room. As he opens the door I see a figure stand. He’s tall by the looks of it. 
  “There you are!” he says as he comes closer. And I almost burst into tears. I swear I’m hallucinating! I feel the twinge in my chest like in the dream and also start to heave! The question I ask is simple but no answer comes after. 
  “Ian?” I ask sounding like a small child. 
   
   
   Text: all my writting none of the pictures are mine. All rights reserved. Publication Date: August 26th 2011 https://www.bookrix.com/-blondebarbie