text: ella desjarlais my sisters diary 
   
   
   2016 
   2016 
     
   You know how when you do something for someone and you have to lose something for that one person and when you think that they love you they really don’t they just pretend people want so much more from me than I will ever give and I hate that what they want is something they cant have they want love well guess what I cant give you that I hate people they took everything from me they stole my air my freedom my happiness they took everything from me and left me with nothing I realized how life will never be worth time it feels like they stole my wings and took my feelings it shattered me and my emotions I enjoy seeing people in pain cause they feel what I feel every second every day every minute and every year cause sometimes when someone hurts you so bad it stops hurting at all and its sad when someone says sorry and you have to say don’t be no one else does and it hurts to wake up and drag yourself when all I have is peace when im sleeping all that buzzing and noises are gone when I sleep I relish the feeling of how sweet it feels like to stop thinking im so numb when I sleep it the only time I can smile cause I stop thinking and the hurts and pain go away those shards and needles stop injecting to my veins and it feels like heaven but then when I wake up I fel all those noises and sounds fuzz and all those shards burn its like I swallow flames it burns and blisters and shreds and tears at my skin and then leaves scars nasty scares all over and all those noises swallow of me alive  and keep hurting my skin aches and my body hurts I cant breathe I cant see all I can see is red when I wake up all those violent dreams that the world gives me they swallow and burn my heart I see violent things from my past in my dreams I watch myself murder animals im a monster its happening the blisters the burning the pain the flames there swallowing me and cutting me help me im dying 
     
   Leave me alone world I didn’t ask you come and ruin me I hate you so much Sylvia you gave birth to me and brought me here where I hate it where I burn so slowly they did nothing they watched me burn I wanna die I wanna stop feeling I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up life really isn’t worth my time no more neither is anyones everyone can jump infront a buss even my ex lizza I wouldn’t give a flying rats ass there not my problem anymore 
   
   
   
   pain 
     
   Sometimes pain comes in a way where don’t know it’s there but it is you can’t feel it but it still it there sometimes it takes months to even feel something but that’s the thing just like john green said in a book “pain demands to be felt” and if it doesn’t go its way it gets worse the thing about when I get sad I shut down my slowly like a dying machine I stop eating I stop talking my earbuds are the only thing that I listen to I always sleep cause I don’t need to hear or talk I can just close my eyes and let silence fall over that’s the thing about me is I don’t want friends or even need them I’m a lone wolf I like being alone I love darkness I hate this world I hate Christmas I hate everyone I’m going to stop talking I’m wasting my breathe on people who don’t love me or need me I fight this alone starting now if they loved me or needed me they will come to me I’m so tired of walking a thousand miles and going through hell to see someone it’s all I ever do I’m tired of coming to them I just want someone to come to me and hold me and love me its broken like my soul like my home like my family like everything in my life all broken gone like fire to grass like smoke to the flame it burns bright and pretty but wrecks stuff in its way like the dead they decay and burn like fire slowly cutting like knives blistering and bleeding it doesn’t second bring everything thing dies at some point sometimes things sooner than others its more than meets the eye it’s like skin it rips burns peels and decays of the body showing what we were made of wrath and gluten for love it isn’t like it anymore all these perfect people and people who can get boyfriends or anything like that are cruel but who would want a misfit like me with scars ugly eyes fat body nobody and that’s the way life is sometimes pain is worth it I use to have these imaginations when I was younger while listening to music I would be dancing on something air or skies but I would be crying alone dancing like skies like angels who had been forgotten or like the devils who were once good being tricked into something that wasn’t real destiny they been tricked into destiny something that wasn’t real it’s like a new born trying to swim it can’t it just sinks to the bottom we are truly helpless no one anybody even god couldn’t save world hunger or racism its still there gnawing at the world taking over god isn’t real he never was god won’t save you or help you any foolish person would now that there aren’t any super heroes they won’t save what this world has become what can nothing is ok everybody thinks its beauty I see pain and hate anger deadly how can that be beautiful its morbid and beyond ugly its terrible to the death 
   Christmas I started hating it since I got in the ranch don’t bother asking why cause I won’t tell you cause I know you don’t care I suffer in silence you don’t know it only I do Christmas is for joy well I’m not happy who could when the two people that did care about me I won’t see ever again can you imagine that no you can’t can you imagine losing everything no you can’t so stop acting like shit got tough you don’t know tough until your mother your sister your dad give up on you tell lies about you hurt you that’s why I’m so mean cause I got fuckin tired of people doing shit to me so I decided why don’t we let the sadist Arielle out cause when I mean sadist I mean I love inflicting pain on people it makes me laugh watching someone bleed suffer like I did all my fuckin life watching someone cry and weep cause of pain well guess what sweet thing welcome to hell you think you know pain no you don’t not until you gone through what I’ve been through I saw my uncle sway up on the ceiling watch him just hang himself I hate people I hate being touched I hate you If you ever read this I hate you if you know me I never cared cause I know you didn’t 
     
     
     
   merde i hate you merde 
     
   (shit) 
   
   
   Publication Date: December 1st 2016 https://www.bookrix.com/-fn5007c94903d75