text: Brian Doswell SLAM DUNK a hoop too far 
   
   
     
   
   SLAM DUNK 
   
   
   
   
   Tuesday March 1st  
   
   
  LA Lakers beat the Minnesota Timberwolves 90 – 79.  All is right in my world. There’s nothing as exciting as the sound of a ball going through the basket without touching the sides.  Perfect shot, perfect silence, just the squeak of the Nikes on the wood floor and the roar of the crowd. 
  Made appointment to see Dr. Ranjit Sing about my headaches, I can’t seem to concentrate on anything for long. 
   
   Wednesday March 2nd  
   
   
  Spent all afternoon cutting the grass, front and back yards both looking good.   
  I could be the only one in the street who still cuts the grass.  
  Met the new neighbors, nice couple with teenage son Leroy.  I think I’m going to like Leroy he’s a Lakers fan. 
   
   Thursday March 3rd  
   
   
  Dr. Ranjit Sing says it’s my age.  I paid good money for this advice and he tells me headaches are an age related thing.  Well here’s an age related thing, he’s an idiot and he doesn’t speak my language.  Old Dr. Williams spoke English, I could understand him.  I know a headache when I get one and what I need is a box of those pills not a sermon on the mount. 
   
   Friday March 4th  
   
   
  Spent the morning in the park.  Birdsong is wonderful at this time of year.  I guess they will all be on their way to their nesting grounds in a few weeks.  No sign of my headache today. 
  Splitting headache again this evening.  I’m going to have to speak to that girl in the pharmacy; she’s bound to have something better than ‘old age’ to offer.  
   
   Saturday March 5th  
   
   
  New neighbors settling in next door.   Loads of DIY stuff going on.  I remember when Lisa and I moved in here, 23 years ago.  We spent a full year putting up shelves.   
  Pharmacy closed for re-painting.  I’ll wait till Monday; it costs too much to go across town to the Mall. 
   
   Sunday March 6th 
   
   
  I guess they’re putting in a new kitchen, all the old stuff is out front for collection.  I’d have hired a dumpster truck but they’ve just dumpstered it on their lawn.  Some of their old kitchen cupboards are in better condition than mine.  If I was a bit younger I’d swap them when no one was looking.  Waste of money I reckon, still folks is folks.   
  Leroy showed me his Lakers scrap book.  He’s got all sorts of stuff.  I promised to look out my old programs for him.  Nice kid. 
   
   
   Monday March 7th 
   
   
  More stuff for collection out front.  They appear to be taking down walls judging by the noise.  They have run a jack-hammer in there since breakfast time.  Loads of old broken plaster and bricks spilling over their drive onto my grass.  It’s a tough time when you are trying to get a new place straight; I expect they will get the truck along in a day or two. 
  Pharmacy is still closed, but I picked up something at the mini-mart.  I can’t read the small print on the back of the box but the picture on the box shows a head with big red circle around it.  My head feels like that.  Took two pills in a glass of water.  
   
   Tuesday March 8th 
   
   
  Leroy is out back again shifting stuff from the kitchen.  I’d thought he should be in school; he can’t be more than sixteen. 
  I showed him my old programs; I’ve got every game from 1957 to 1963.  I was a big fan in those days.  I can’t afford a ticket now but I watch them on the TV. 
  “Who are these old guys, grandpa?”  Good question son.  I don’t suppose anyone cares anymore. 
  Headache better today, took two more pills anyway. 
   
   Wednesday March 9th 
   
   
  No sign of the dumpster.  Damned jack-hammer seems to be inside my head.  I hope they finish soon. 
  Two pills at lunch time, two more this evening.  I’m beginning to recognize the pattern; they stop work at five-thirty and switch on the hi-fi.  
  Leroy tells me he’s into rap.  Must ask someone what rap is. 
   
   Thursday March 10th 
   
   
  Fine day today, sun shining, birds singing.  At least I suppose the birds are singing, shame I can’t hear them any more over the rap music.   
  Pharmacy still closed, so I bought extra pack of pills at the mini-mart.  I asked the clerk at the mini-mart if he knew much about these pills but he only speaks Spanish so I guess I’ll stick with them until the pharmacy opens again. 
   
   Friday March 11th 
   
   
  Took two pills with my breakfast coffee.  How long does it take to change a kitchen? 
  Leroy has fixed a basketball net on the garage wall in their yard.  It’s good to see the boy shoot a few hoops.  He’s a good shot, I wonder if he plays for a school team?  I wish I could join him but I guess he would think I’m too old to play with.  Gee that even sounds old! 
   
   Saturday March 12th 
   
   
  I like to sleep late on Saturday.  Always have.  My bedroom window is right above my neighbor’s garage.  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
   
  Took four pills and pulled the pillow over my head. 
   
   
   Sunday March 13th 
   
   
  Leroy’s mother says she has no idea when the dumpster is due.  She says it’s not my problem in spite of the old plaster spreading across my grass. 
  It’s raining.  Leroy has gone indoors so no more hoops and no more rap music.  On the other hand the old plaster is setting hard on my grass and the wind has blown two half sheets across onto my drive.  It’s a good job I don’t have a car to get out any more. 
   
   Monday March 14th 
   
   
  Made appointment to see Dr. Ranjit Sing about my headaches.  He can’t see me until Thursday.  I guess I’ll be even more age related then.  I took a whole packet of mini-mart pills yesterday but the pain is still there. 
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk 
   
  I think I’ll give the Lakers game a miss.  Basketball can be pretty repetitive.  They scored 90 points against the Timberwolves, that’s a hell of a lot of hoops  
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk 
   
   
   Tuesday March 15th 
   
   
  The mini-mart has run out of my pills.   
  The pharmacy is still being painted.   
  Leroy is still shooting hoops. 
   
   Wednesday March 16th 
   
   
  Leroy says he can shoot hoops in his garden any time he wants, which is kind of right I suppose. 
  I told him about my head ache and he said “So what did I expect him to do?” 
  If Dr. Ranjit Sing can’t fix it I don’t suppose Leroy can either, I just wish he would decide to go jogging instead of shooting hoops. 
   
   Thursday March 17th 
   
   
  Dr. Ranjit Sing says I’m wasting my time taking indigestion tablets from the mini-mart.  He says I’ve got a migraine, and a migraine is a migraine.  There’s no cure for migraine.  Don’t eat chocolate, don’t watch TV, and lie down in quiet darkened room till it goes away. 
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk 
   
  There is no quiet room in my house any more. 
   
   
   Friday March 18th 
   
   
  Leroy’s father says shooting hoops in the privacy of your garden is one of Leroy’s human rights, so is enjoying rap music.   
  I asked him where the music came into it and he went inside. 
   
   
   Saturday March 19th 
   
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk 
   
   Sunday March 20th 
   
   
  It’s very quiet today.  I think the neighbors are away.  I don’t have a headache today.  Shame I could have spent some time in a quiet room. 
  The grass needs cutting but I can’t get to it because of the plaster boards. 
   
   Monday March 21st 
   
   
  Leroy’s mother says the dumpster truck is none of my business.   
  I asked her if she could remove the plaster boards from my grass, but I’m not sure I should include her reply in my diary.  
   
   Tuesday March 22nd 
   
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk 
   
  My headache is back.   
   
   Wednesday March 23rd 
   
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk.   
   
  Asked Leroy if he ever watched the Lakers on TV, but he ignored me. 
  Asked Leroy if he would give it break, but he ignored me. 
   
   Thursday March 24th 
   
   
  I spent the morning clearing out the box room. 
  Found my old service uniform.  The jacket is fine but the trousers appear to have shrunk.  My parade boots still fit me.  I wore them all morning, now I have a blister on my heel. 
  I spent the afternoon cleaning my old service pistol.  There’s still a dozen rounds of ammo in my old canvas pouch, I wonder if it still works. 
  We used to practice loading the clip in the dark so we could do it at night.  I used to be pretty good at loading blindfold.   
   
   
   Friday March 25th 
   
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk 
   
  I showed Leroy my old service medals; I thought he would be interested.  Not so. 
   
  Migraine returned with a vengeance.  
   
   Saturday March 26th 
   
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk 
   
  I showed Leroy my old service pistol and asked him to take a break from shooting hoops till my migraine goes. 
  I think he got the message. 
   
   Sunday March 27th 
   
   
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk  
  Slam - bam – dunk – kerplunk 
   
  My head is throbbing.  I’m going to ask Leroy to stop shooting hoops. 
   
   Monday March 28th 
   
   
  The street is full of traffic, never seen it so busy. 
  I hope one of these vehicles is a dumpster. 
  I had a visitor this afternoon.  I rarely have visitors.  This was a cop who wanted to know if I had been out at all.  I never go out except to see Dr. Ranjit Sing or call into the mini-mart for a few groceries.  I tell him I’m learning to speak Hindi so I can explain about my migraine to Dr. Ranjit Sing and I’m learning Spanish so I can buy groceries at the mini-mart, and I’m leaning to speak rap so I can talk to my neighbors.   
  When do I get time to go out? 
  No wonder I have a migraine. 
   
   Tuesday March 29th 
   
   
  The cop came back this morning to ask if I had seen Leroy.   
  I told the cop I thought he should be in school.  Leroy that is – in school, not the cop, although the cop did not seem old enough to be more than a kindergarten cop. 
   
   Wednesday March 30th 
   
   
  Two cops came by this morning and took away my old service pistol. 
   
   Thursday March 31st 
   
   
  The Sherriff’s office says I should put my diary aside for a while.   
  Maybe this will be the last entry. 
  My headache is much better now I have this very quiet room to myself.   
   
   
   
   Publication Date: March 5th 2011 https://www.bookrix.com/-briandoswell