text: natalie  loren my life (1 of the many I ignore. I’ve had to go to Whole Foods shopping early in the morning, to avoid being stalked and trolled by her, her connections, and whomever she intertwined. She has told checkers and her mother in law, to not talk to me, because my confidence cowers her and others. They’re women, so…Well, you know how it goes. Don’t you?)
  
  Not too long ago, I had one of those dreams…
  
    
   
   
   ~*Mon – 01/22/18* 
   I ended up being able to nap for a bit more than an hour as my last client canceled. I wanted to stay away from the house so I wouldn’t nap but I did. I went to the garage and made an apt for tomorrow so they can fix my car. That said, I will need to go drop it off after I picked up hub from work. I’ll be glad when I don’t have to pick him up cause I would be in bed right now if I didn’t have to go get him. I feel blah! My side still hurts and after that nap earlier, I just felt even worse. I woke up with a huge headache and my side hurting very badly. I’m glad I have a day off tomorrow and that I’m finally seeing the doc. I was meant to go pick up my pills at Costco today but I didn’t even do that so I’ll have to remember to do it tomorrow. 
   The store wasn’t too bad but I just didn’t want to be there. On top of things, the manager asked me to stay until midnight next Sun for the cleaners which I really don’t want to be doing. I told her no and I feel terrible for doing so but come on, I’m doing too much already and my body is making me feel it. I wish I didn’t have that damn student loan to pay or I’d be out of the store in no time. I know I’m a workaholic and even if I do stop working at my part-time job I’ll prob end up going somewhere else cause I’ll just crave work but right now I just need a break. I’ve honestly never felt like I’ve been feeling and I just feel it’s my body telling me that I’m doing too much, that it needs a break. 
   Anyways, I don’t have much more to say. I don’t really know why I even bothered writing but yea. All I can say is that I’m super tired right now and I really want to sleep but I still have like an hour to wait. Arg! 
     
   
   
   
   ~*Mon – 01/22/18*~ 
     
   I was right as far as my client not canceling this morning. No sleeping in for me today so it’s gonna be a long ass day as I’m already craving a nap and won’t even get to do that. I’m waiting on my client who has a doc appt and I’m staying away from reading at the moment cause it’s making me sleepy.  
   I was able to sleep alright last night. Guess my pill really knocked me out cause I didn’t even realize when hub came to bed which normally wakes me up. I mostly slept all night but once out of bed, my side is hurting so very badly today. I knew this was going to happen with me lifting stuff and all at the store. I’m not sure this pain is related to coughing anymore. One more day and I’m seeing the doc and hopefully, all of this will be figured out as dang, I feel shitty.  
   I wonder how my friend is feeling today. I sure hope she’s feeling better and that she’ll be able to drive hub at work cause I don’t think I can find him a drive today as Sat was just a luck to find him one. Talking about hub and work.. I’m pissed. He’s going overnight pretty soon and I thought it was going to help for when I want to go to my mom as we could now leave on Mon night instead of Tue morning but NO, he just told me over the weekend that he’d be having Tue-Wed-Thu off so that doesn’t help at all. Fuck! Why can’t he just get a damn shift that makes sense? I’m pissed! I had only agreed to him going overnight because of this and looks like it’s not even gonna be what I wanted. Arg! I’m getting really discouraged with everything lately as nothing seem to want to work out. I know things could be way worse but still. Feels like I’m working so hard to get somewhere but I always end up two steps back. Just like my work, she emailed me this morning asking if I could take someone on Wed. Blah! I’m kinda looking for a new job but I’m not sure. I wanted to apply at this one place which I’ve already done a few times in the past with no luck but I’m not sure about it anymore and only reason is because it says you need to cook or prep meal and I don’t cook so I really don’t know about applying there as I don’t know how much of that they expect you to be doing.  
   
   
   
   ~*Sun – 01/21/18*~ 
   I really can’t wait to see the doc on Tue and just hopes he can help me out cause this is insane. My throat felt so blocked off last night that all I wanted to do was cry as it kept me from sleeping. I finally managed to fall asleep but got woken up with a big scared cause I felt like someone was choking me and I couldn’t breath right so I got coughing and felt so very dizzy. I just felt so wrong this morning but of course I didn’t wanted to go to the ER cause I had to work at the store and I’m in charge when I work there so obviously I can’t call myself sick. Blah! After an hour or so of being working I started feeling better but that ball in my throat is always there and I just don’t know anymore. I always thought it was some mucus but I’m starting to be scared it’s something more serious. Two more days and I might know more. I just really hope it can be fix and soon.  
   So back to yesterday, we went to see   12 Strong   which is an army movie so I didn’t think I’d enjoy it at all but found myself liking the movie and I didn’t fall asleep which is a big surprise as I hadn’t napped before the movie. Yay me! After the movie I went over to my friend to bring her some NyQuil and she finally got the shower curtain I had ordered for her. I’m still sad my surprise didn’t turn out as I had planned as I had to ask her about the delivery but she was still super happy about it. As for my purse, it’s at customs and hub’s RAM made it to the PC place so hopefully he will receive new ones soon so he can play his game although he doesn’t seem to be depressed anymore.  
   My day at work was fine as I had good staff today. I wish every day I work was with today’s staff. Mom also came to the store to give me my pills which was very nice of her to drive two hours to bring them to me. She came with a friend and they went to the Casino so it wasn’t just for me. Haha! 
   Nothing much is going on beside all of that. I need to call the garage tomorrow to see when they can take my car in and I should get it back by next week. Woohoo! Hub said that if what happened with me last night happens again tonight that I won’t be going to work tomorrow, that I’d be going to the hospital. Pfft! I really hope it doesn’t happen again. I’m feeling that ball right now as I lay in bed writing and I just want to cry as I’ve been coughing and a deep one and no mucus has been coming up so I’m starting to believe it’s something else than mucus at this point. I’ll be taking a sleeping pill tonight as I finally have some so maybe I’ll be sleeping better even thought the feeling in the throat is quite annoying.  
   I’m trying to be good and sleep at decent time so I should prob get ready if I still want to be doing that as I have about 20 mins if I want to get my eight hours sleep. Most Mondays my morning client cancels but I have a feeling she won’t be doing that tomorrow so I need my sleep.  
   
   
   
   ~*Fri – 01/19/18*~ 
   My hair is too long, it just is. I know the last I talked about it I said it was where it was supposed to be but it can’t be. My hair almost touches my shoulders and it never does when I have it cut. It just is too long and I can’t wait to have it cut. I’m glad I didn’t cancel my apt in the end. I’m sick and it’s making it worse cause it’s in my neck and I can just feel it and it’s quite annoying. I keep looking at it and trying to figure out where it should be and I’m not too sure. All I know for sure is that it’s too long, it looks like she forgot to cut the last layer or, I don’t know. I’ll just be glad once it’s cut and not so much in my neck anymore. 
   Beside my hair, I still hate myself very much so cause I called in sick, once again. I don’t recall EVER calling in sick two days in a row. It’s killing me! I just felt I needed it cause when I woke up all I did for like an hour was run from the bedroom to the bathroom to cough up some mucus. My side is still killing me so much but my cold seem to be way better. I did a LOT of sleeping in the past two days and I think it was much needed. My body will thank me for not going to work the past two days. I just hope I can get back to normal very soon.  
   I might not have worked today but I still did a lot. I slept all morning and woke up at 3 pm with hub when his alarm went off. I would of stayed in bed longer but I wanted to go get my car as it was ready. I was a bit scared to see it but as far as I can see, you can’t tell at all that some work was done on it. Amazing! I was driving my car back and I had a huge smile on my face, I was so darn happy to be driving my car. Even thought I was happy, I was also scared cause I didn’t wanted to get caught with my expired sticker but I managed to get home. I did stop at McDonald’s on the way and damn, it took like 25 mins in the drive thru. All I wanted was to get home and eat. I also realized that the auto power for my windows isn’t working anymore. It can’t be cause of the body shop as they didn’t touch the door and such. I’m hoping it’s just a fuse but at worse, it won’t work anymore. At least I’ll be able to drive my car really soon. I’ll need to call the garage tomorrow to make an apt to get the other work done on it next week. 
   After getting home I watched a few shows and ate, then I went outside to shovel where I wanted to park my car. I washed our bed sheets to get rid of my sick germs and took a nice relaxing bath. I did some laundry, put some away and did the bed. I also vacuumed our bedroom for the heck of it, did the dishes and cleaned the suggies tray that was over due. Now I’m capoute! 
   I’m feeling much better but my side still hurts. I sent hub to get more NyQuil as I want to take some tonight to make sure I do sleep as I plan on working tomorrow. I have time to watch a show or two before hub gets home from work so that’s what I’ll be doing as I need to wait for him if I want to take that NyQuil before bed. I just really hope that this side pain will be gone for Sun cause if not, it will be a heck of a day at the store. 
   
     
   
   
   
   
   ~*Sat – 01/20/18*~ 
     
   I really can’t wait for my car to be fix so I can drive it as sharing a car is a pain in the butt. My friend was supposed to drive hub to work today but she didn’t as she was still sick so I had to find him another drive. Our friend that works at the same place as him drove him but he was like an hour late for work. 
   Talking about my car, now that I look at it I kinda want to have all the rusted spots on it fix. I wonder how much that could cost. I might go get an estimate this summer or will forget about it from now to then. I need to focus on what’s important as I still need to put another big chunk of money on it for the parts that need to be fix to pass the inspection. I always said as long as I could drive the car I didn’t care about how it looked anymore but dang, the wheels wall looks so nice now.  
   Anyways, I’m in between clients right now and I decided to come write cause I’m trying my very best not to go nap. I was gonna go to my friend and bring her some NyQuil to see if it would help her as she doesn’t seem to be getting any better but I just ended up coming home. I also should go get my pills but it’s Sat and Costco is hell on Sat so I think I will just wait on Mon to go get them as mom is coming here tomorrow to bring us our pills that I forgot at her place. I might just take some NyQuil tonight to help me sleep.  
   So yea, I’m feeling much better and I think that my side is starting to hurt a lil less. I’m still planning on going to bed early tonight so I have plenty of rest and feel alright for the store but who knows if I will really do it. Another reason why I’m trying not to sleep right now so I can sleep earlier tonight although I’m pretty sure I will end up sleeping at the movie. I’m not too sure what we’re going to see but I believe it’s a movie I really don’t want to see. 
   Beside that I don’t really have anything to say, I just felt like writing. 
     
   
   
   
   ~*Thu – 01/18/18*~ 
     
   I feel like shit! I’m sick and my right side hurts so much from coughing. I didn’t sleep last night as I didn’t have any sleeping pill and I was sick and my brain wouldn’t shut down. I wanted to take some NyQuil before bed but I totally forgot and just got lazy. When I finally got out of bed around 2 am to go to the bathroom it was too late to take some or I knew I wouldn’t of been able to wake up for 8 am. I woke up maybe 15 mins before my alarm as I had finally fallen asleep but I was feeling so shitty and hadn’t slept at all so I was debating so damn hard with myself if I should call in sick or not. I already lost some hours yesterday cause I took the day off to go to mom’s and I had an 11 hours shift today but I finally decided to take care of myself for once so I called in sick. After doing so, I took some NyQuil and that knocked me right off. I slept until about 1:45 pm, woke up to make myself some chicken noodle soup and wait for hub to be done sleeping so I could go back to bed. I went back to bed from 4 pm to 11:15 pm. I had been wanting to get out of bed for like two hours as I was hungry but I just couldn’t bring myself out of bed. I finally did cause I had to pee and stayed up to eat and watch a show which I am in the middle of but decided to come write before I finish it. I’m writing and I feel like I’m not really there. After my show I’m taking more NyQuil and back to bed for me in hopes that tomorrow I’ll be fine to work. I’m feeling much better but I’m just so tired and lack some energy so I don’t know if I’ll be able to get myself up tomorrow or if I should take an extra day to totally get better. I know I can’t wait to see the doc next week and hope he can give me something cause I sorta been sick for more than a month now. I wasn’t sick like I was today but I’ve been coughing and have that mucus problem. 
   Anyways, that was my awesome bed day. Hub also called the body shop today to see if my baby was ready and she will be tomorrow cause the paint was drying. WOOHOO! They did paint it. I was so scared they wouldn’t so now I feel much better although I’m a bit scared to see it. 
   I feel horrible cause with me forgetting our pills at mom, hub had a hard time sleeping as well so he went to work tired. It just makes me feel so horrible. I also feel bad cause I got my friend sick.  
   Well, I should finish that episode and head back to bed. 
   
   
   
   ~*Wed – 01/17/18*~ 
     
   I hate myself so much right now. I find my hair too long so today I texted my hairdresser to ask her to fix it and to also try another color for the pink. I asked hub to check where my hair was ending and it’s at the right place so I just don’t understand why I find it so long. Since it stops at the right place, I think I don’t want to have it cut anymore. She’s gonna hate me. I feel so awful for being myself and never being happy as nothing is never perfect. I honestly don’t understand why I am like I am but it’s quite annoying and I hate myself very much for it.  
   I also hate myself cause I totally forgot all of our pills at mom’s which is two hours away. That said, I don’t have any freaking sleeping pills and I’m sick again and I work from 9 am to 8 pm tomorrow. This is just so great! 
   On the better side, we had a lovely time at my mom’s. We first stopped in town cause hub needed to go to the dentist. He left us at the Entertainment Center while he went to the dentist which was blah cause we were done playing our $20 in no time so we just sat in the little lobby and waited for hub to come pick us up. I did make $20 but of course my friend lost her money. I could of played my winnings but I decided to be good and keep them as I have been spending a lot lately. 
   We then made our way to mom and once there we had some delicious smelts. Yumz! I had been wanting some for ever and I’m so glad my mom made us some. We then went back to town to see   Paddington 2   which I didn’t even watch the first one. I didn’t really wanted to see that movie but mom wanted too so we went but in the end I’m glad we did go cause it was super cute. I didn’t think I would enjoy it like I did. Of course we went back to the Entertainment Center after the movie and I feel so bad cause mom lost so much money. She had won some last time she went but she ended up playing it all and losing it all. I ended up making $20 again so I came back home with $40 more than when I left. That’s good! 
   Mom had bought a game but we didn’t even play it. We got back to her place and everyone just wanted to be lazy. We still managed to only go to bed at almost 2 am and I slept until almost 1 pm. My mom and friend had some fun together as they made meat pies in the morning. 
   Our way back was terrible as it was storming and of course I was the one driving. Hub drove up to town and when we stopped for gas we switched place. Smart little devil he is! Took me an extra half hour as the roads were horrible but I still managed to drive some what fast. My friend kept telling me that I did very good and that she was proud of me as the roads were just horrible and I couldn’t see shit. I didn’t even know where I was really driving. Lol! I was mainly okay, it was just when we would meet cars that I would stress a bit as you never know what the other person will do. But I managed to get us all safely back home. 
   
   Now let’s try to sleep without a pill. I’m tired so hopefully it will be alright. I’m not even gonna bother with reading cause I feel too tired. 
   
     
   
   
   
   ~*Sun – 01/14/18*~ 
   I just want to cry right now. I haven’t started my car since Tue when I switched the cars around but it hasn’t been that cold so I figured it would be alright. I just tried starting it cause we need to bring it to the body shop tomorrow and, IT DIDN’T START. It doesn’t even click so I don’t think it’s the battery and I just really want to cry right now. I’m waiting on hub to get out the washroom so we can go have a look but I don’t think we’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong. I’m hoping that maybe the connection to the battery is loose or something but I just have a bad feeling. My head is just thinking of having to buy a new car cause this one just seem to want to die. I hope we can figure it out, I really do cause I don’t want to have to buy another car. I just want to fix mine and have it be alright. 
   I wanted to go relax in a nice bath but of course something had to happen. I still need that bath no matter what as it helps my body after a day of work at the store but really, I just want my car. Why?! I just don’t understand why I have such bad luck. I want to curl up in a corner and cry for the rest of the week. 
   I just really don’t know anymore.. I just want to give up on a lot of things cause nothing ever works out for me. I want to believe that me and hub will get out there and fix it. 
     
   
   
   Publication Date: January 24th 2018 https://www.bookrix.com/-ik3d6bbe03382a5