text: Brittany Ferguson (me) I Need to Feel... (in progress) 
   
   
     
   
  Chapter 1 
  “I’m sorry Daddy!” pleaded little 6 year old Tyler after he spilt his milk all over the floor. But his cry didn’t stop and Daddy hit him. He slapped little Tyler across his face making him scream in pain and leaving a very bright red hand print on his face. Mommy stood there, in shock. She had never seen Daddy hit and of her children. It was like her mouth was sown shut, she was speechless, socked, stunned. Daddy stormed out of the kitchen, grabbed his briefcase and left for work.  
  “Come on hunny,” said Mommy, “get your stuff; I’ll take you to school today.”  
  Tyler usually took the bus to Belmont Elementary school. The hand print on Tyler’s face had disappeared by the time they got to school. Mommy was driving her new car that Daddy had bought her just the other day. She was wearing a silk blouse and a very expensive suit with a cashmere scarf, it was winter. Little Tyler was wearing an old, stained shirt from last year and a pair of ripped jeans that were a little too short for him. His sneakers were a worn down from playing at the park all summer with Mommy, and they were a little cold since it was November. Mommy always asked Daddy if she could buy him new clothes but he said they worked just fine. But the thing was they didn’t. He was always cold because his jacket wasn’t warm enough.  
  When little Tyler got to school, his teacher gasped, she saw the bruise on his eye from this morning. She asked but happened. 
  “I fell down the stairs this morning.” Tyler lied. That’s when it all started. That moment he realized, only at 6 years old, that he didn’t want anyone to know what had happened and he felt like Daddy was going to hit him again if he told somebody. So he kept it a secret, and so did Mommy.  
  When daddy came home that night he looked like he felt better, but he didn’t even say he was sorry to Tyler for hitting him. Tyler was the youngest in his family; he has one older sister and two older brothers, Cassie, Ryan, and Dyllan. Cassie was only about four years older than Tyler but Ryan was seven years older and Dyllan was 10 years older. Dyllan didn’t like what Daddy had done to Tyler, but he didn’t say anything because he too was scared. Now Ryan and Cassie didn’t care, they didn’t like Tyler. They thought he was talking away Mommy from them, so they teased him and bullied him at school and at home.  
  Before supper Daddy told Tyler to go to his room without supper. Tyler screamed “WHY?!” and started crying. It only took one step towards Tyler and the raise of his hand and Tyler started running to his room, but Daddy was faster. He pulled Tyler back down the stairs and hit him again, but this time it wasn’t just a slap but a punch in the stomach. He crumpled to the ground crying in pain, his stomach felt like it was on fire, like a needle pierced in the stomach, like someone had put a knife right though him. Mommy started to get up to run to Tyler’s side but Daddy yelled at her saying “SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!! Leave him there he deserved what he got and more.” Mommy sat back down slowly, a single tear slid down her cheek as she heard her little baby lie on the floor and scream in pain.  
  Tyler limped up the stairs clutching his stomach; he didn’t ask for help, he didn’t speak at all because he knew Daddy would hit him again. He became so terrified of Daddy, the one who used to pick him up and spin him around when he got home. The one who used to call Tyler his little boy, his prized possession, what happened to that Daddy?  
   *9 Years Later* 
   
  Chapter 2 
  ”GO TO YOUR FUCKING ROOM, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!” screamed Daddy at Tyler. Tyler was now 15 years old. All of his siblings had moved out and his favorite sibling and oldest brother had moved out seven years ago, so he had no one to look up at to depend on. Dyllan still tried to talk to him all the time, but Daddy usually wouldn’t let him, because he thought that Dyllan was a no good worthless piece of shit just like Tyler, those were his exact words as Dyllan was walking through that door the day he turned 18.  
  Tyler lay in his bed crying, silently. So his dad wouldn’t come in and beat the shit out of him again, but he was going to anyways. Just like every other day. And that’s what Daddy did. He came in and told Tyler to get up and face him, no he ordered him to just like he were a dog or some animal. And that’s exactly what Tyler did he stood up in front of Daddy.  
  “Oh you think you’re so tough to stand up to me like that?!” Daddy yelled at Tyler. But he was just simply doing what Daddy had told him to do. But he closed his eyes and waited for the blow. And just like that Tyler dropped to his knees after Daddy punched him in the stomach. He kicked and punched Tyler, while he lay on the ground staying as silent as possible, because Daddy hatted it when Tyler spoke. He said he hatted the way his voice sounded. So he just laid there and waited for the beating to be over. But this one lasted unusually long. Daddy did something he had never done; he picked Tyler up and threw him against the wall, hard. He did it again, and again, and again, until Tyler was finally out.  
  He woke up hours later, it was 1 am. He felt horrible. He ached, his entire body hurt everytime he moved. He heard people arguing downstairs. He wondered what was going on at 1 o’clock in the morning. He peaked out of his door and it was Mommy and Daddy yelling at each other. Mommy started to go upstairs and when tyler saw her coming he closed the door and limped into bed, but Mommy knew he was awake. She came in very quietly. 
  “hi hunny. Its Mommy. Get up were going somewhere.” Soothed Mommy. 
  “where?” tyler asked very quietly so Daddy couldn’t hear. 
  “away from here.” Said Mommy. She started packing his stuff up in a suit case. She grabbed his clothes, most of them, his notebooks and sketchbooks, and his drawing tools. Tyler loved to draw and he was very good at it, but only Mommy and his art teacher knew how good he was. If Daddy ever found out he would beat him for being such a pussy. Tyler was very passionate about drawing. It would make him feel a little better after a beating, even though it may hurt his hand or arm, but drawing eased some of the pain.  
  Mommy asked tyler to get up and walk with her. He did, but it hurt and he stuggled very much. But he would do anything for his mom. He slowly walked down the stairs with her, wincing at every step, but he knew Mommy had him. They walked passed Daddy and he glared at both of them with those evil eyes. He had no clue what they were doing, only that they were leaving him forever. They go into the car and started driving. Tyler had blacked out. 
  “he has a severe concussion Mrs. Ronald, and a few broken and bruised ribs. How did this happen Mrs. Ronald? He didn’t just fall down the stairs this time.” The doctor said.  
  Mommy, Mrs. Ronald, started to cry and told the doctor her husband had been doing that to Tyler since he was six years old. He let her cry there and told her it was going to be ok, that he would call the cops,a nd that soothed her a little bit.  
  “why hadn’t you told anyone earlier?” asked Doctor Palmer. 
  “I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. He hit me too but not as near as much as Tyler.” Replied Mrs. Ronald.  
  “I understand, I will make sure the court doesn’t accuse you of child abuse also.” Said Dr. Palmer.  
  “thank you doctor.” Mrs. Ronald thank him.  
  Tyler spoke so his mom would know he was awake. “we’re going to be alright?” he asked Mommy. 
  “yes hunny, we’re going to be alright” she said as she held him and hugged him. After Tyler healed and got discharged from the hospital, they moved to California. 
  Chapter 3  
   Tyler became enrolled into a new school and Mommy got a new job, a well-paying one at that. But Tyler had become severely depressed, his mom didn’t notice though, because she was used to him not talking much. She just thought that everything was better, that everything was normal. She didn’t even notice any of the little scratches on his arms. That’s what they start out as, little scratches.  
  School started and Tyler was the new kid. Everyone looked at him, like he was a freak, like some kind of animal. He wore black skinny jeans, a black shirt with “Suicide Silence” on it and a black and dark grey stripped hoodie. He had on black high top Converse. His hair was black and long, it had layers and it covered his face just like an “emo” kid. He just kept his head down and didn’t talk to anyone. One of his new teachers made him stand in the front of the class and introduce himself, he said his name was Tyler and tried to sit down, but his teacher wouldn’t let him. He forced Tyler to stand at the front of the class while people asked him questions. One kid asked, “Are you emo? Like do you like cut yourself and stuff?” Tyler just ignored him. He finally got to sit down after his teacher realized he didn’t like to talk and was getting annoyed.  
  There was one open seat left in the class, it was in the very back, but next to the most beautiful girl Tyler had ever seen. She had pink hair and it was teased and she wore a black bow in her hair. She had on thick eyeliner and bright colored eye shadow. She wore a lot of bracelets, some of them looked big like it was one whole thing. She had on a black tutu, how unusual, thought Tyler. She wore skinny jeans also but they were very bright colored, a lime green and also a black shirt that said “Suicide Silence” on it. She had lip piercings two on both sides of her bottom lip, called shark bites. She also had a septum piercing and a normal nose ring. He sat down next to her and he wanted to talk to her to tell her that she was beautiful, that he loved her shirt, that she was just jaw dropping gorgeous and that he instantly fell in love with her. He noticed something on her hand, a scar, but not just one, many. Like she too, self-harmed. He became very interested and wanted to know her story.  
  “nice shirt.” She told him. 
  “uh, thanks.” Tyler replied.  
  “it’s so sad that Mitch died huh?” she asked him. 
  “yeah, it is.” 
  She kept silent after that. That was first period, Biology. Second period was mathematics (aka algebra). He saw her there too and coincidently she was in that class too. Tyler hated algebra, he was never good at it, but man she was a genius. She knew exactly what was going on. Tyler needed help, but he didn’t want to annoy her with a stupid question.  
  Class was over and he didn’t see her again till lunch. He saw her laughing and smiling with her friends. They were listening to music blasting it in the courtyard. The song “You Only Live Once” came on by Suicide Silence, Tyler’s favorite band. He moved a little closer to them, wanted to hear it louder. Finally he was right next to her, the beautiful pink haired girl.  
  “oh hi!’ she said shocked to see him there. “guys this is Tyler. He’s new here. Where are you from?” she asked him. 
  “small ass town Nebraska.” He replied. 
  “big change then huh?” asked one of the girl with the pink hair’s friends. “I’m Kyley.” 
  “I’m janessa.” 
  “I’m Matt.” 
  “and I’m Allison.” Said the girl with the pink hair. What a pretty name, thought Tyler. She was so enthusiastic and hyper all the time, it was so adorable.  
  “we’re all in band, we’re the Fire In The Hearts. I’m the drummer.” Said Kyley. “Allison is lead guitarist and backup vocals, Janessa is bad guitar and matt is our sing screamer.” 
  “so a metal band?” asked Tyler. 
  “yeah,” said Allison, “pretty hardcore, huh?” 
  “haha yeah.” That was the first time Tyler has laughed, even a little bit, in a very, very, very long time. It made him feel good. 
  “so do you play any instuments?” asked Kyley. 
  “uh, yeah,” tyler stuttered, “the guitar, drums, saxophone, piano, trumet, tuba, trombone, uhm… oh and the vocal cordes.”  
  “you sing?” asked Allison. 
  “uh, yeah a little, and I scream a bit too.” 
  “that’s rad dude.” Matt told tyler.  
  For once in his life, Tyler felt accepted, like he belonged somewhere, but not for long. An averaged sized guy wearing skinny jeans, rubber bracelets, and a Bring Me the Horizon shirt came up and kissed Allison on the cheek and called her babe. Tyler’s heart sunk, the feeling of emptiness came back, he got up and walked off. He went to the bathroom, the one that looked like no one used anymore. He was angry at himself, falling for a girl like that? I must be literally stupid, she will NEVER like me like that, let alone love me. Look at me, I’m a failure, I’ve had a failure family and failure life. He looked at the little scratches on his wrist that he made this morning. Maybe I need to go deeper, maybe that might let me feel something, thought tyler. For some reason this morning after making those scratches he had put the razor in his pocket. He took the razor out of his pocket and twirled it in his fingers, gazing at it. I need to feel… Little did he know that that razor would become his best friend for the next year.  
  Chapter 4 
  Tyler came out of the bathroom with no cuts on his arm, his forearm. His scratches would heal and wouldn’t leave a trace. He walked to fifth period by himself, it was art. He was actually excited for art class. His teacher was awesome, and understanding it seemed like. Their first project was to draw something that meant very much to them, like an object or even a person.  
  Tyler drew his friend Alex; he committed suicide two years ago, when he was only 13 years old. He also had a troubled life, his parents abused him also but he was also molested by his older brother, he couldn’t handle it anymore so he took his own life. Alex was Tyler’s only friend; he became very depressed and lonely, even lonelier than before.  
  He laid his pencil on his paper and started to sketch Alex’s outline of his face, then he added the bright blue eyes and then his black hair that was always over his eyes. Tyler had a good memory, which was good and bad. He didn’t want to remember certain things but he couldn’t help it. He drew every single detail of Alex’s face. It was amazing, so realistic. He got every single freckle on his face right, in the exact spot. When he handed Mr. Carlson (Tyler’s art teacher), he looked at Tyler in amazement. He had never seen anyone draw something so detailed. Mr. Carlson got became interested; he knew that Tyler had potential that he could exceed.  
  Sixth period was horrible, psychology. Tyler didn’t know anything about psychology. He was clueless, but there she was right across from him, the seat in front of him in the next row. She seemed to know what she was doing. She looked back at him and smiled, then turned back to grab something and passed it to him. It was her notes that she took, he mouthed thank you to her and she just smiled back.  
  The notes were very helpful because they had a test the next day over what they had studied that week, well this was Tyler’s first day of school here so he had no clue what they learned. But the notes had everything on them, everything.  
  Last period was band, Tyler actually kind of liked it, but there she was, once again. She played the trumpet also. And Tyler chose to play the saxophone again, but this time decided to play the Bari. Tyler had played the Soprano Saxophone and the alto before, moving here was for a change right? So Tyler told Mr. Quillard that he played the Baritone Saxophone.  
  “Mr. Quillard, may I go to the restroom please?” Tyler asked very politely about a quarter the way into class. The teacher excused him and on his way three guys came up to him.  
  “Hey queer!” laughed one.  
  “What are you doing out of class you freak?” asked another. 
  Tyler just ignored them, but they started pushing and shoving him around, calling him even worse names. One of them pushed him down and Tyler just lay there, waiting for the beating.  
  “Get up and fight queer!” they all kept saying as they were kicking him in the ribs and head, one of them stomped on his arm nearly breaking it, but luckily didn’t. They thought it was time to go back to class so they left him there, in pain, having flashbacks of before, when Daddy used to hit him, every single day. Tears were sliding down his cheeks; he got up and went to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and winced at himself thinking, why I am I so ugly and fat? Why does everyone hate me? Oh yeah, cause I’m disgusting looking, my face is gross, I have a huge nose and oh yeah my dad used to beat the shit out of me. Tyler remembered the razor in his pocket. He grabbed it and twirled it in his fingers again thinking, I wonder if I go deeper I could feel something more, maybe a relief. And that’s what he did. He took the razor and found the sharpest point, laid it against his skin and pressed down. Slowly he dragged the blade across his skin, slowly ripping it open. It was like someone had relieved pressure on him, he felt so much better. There was a single drop of blood slowly pooling on the cut. He looked at it, admired its beauty. The crimson red slipped down his arm, slowly and dropped into the sink. He stood there staring at his arm, wondering, how could something like this feel so good? It made him happy, he could feel something, instead of being numb all the time. Feeling pain was better than nothing. The beating wasn’t enough, it was a different kind of pain, a pain that didn’t feel well, cutting feels good, it cools him down. He pulls his sleeve back over his arm and returns to class.  
  “By gollie! What happened Mr. Tyler?” asked Mr. Quillard, he saw that Tyler’s lip was a bit swollen and he had a black eye. 
  “Uh, nothing Mr. Quillard. I uh, tripped and fell.” Lied Tyler. Tyler sat back down at his chair and started to play with the band, it hurt his lip, but he didn’t want to look like a pussy.  
  The bell rand and everyone sped out of class, all of them laughing and smiling, except for Tyler. Allison saw him and came up to him. 
  “Dud what the hell happened?” she asked him. “I know you didn’t fall.”  
  “Some kids came up to me and pushed me around a little bit.” He told Allison.  
  “Pushed you around a little bit? Sounds more like a beating to me.” He winced at the word “beating”. 
  “It was nothing, I got to go, I’ll see you tomorrow bye.” Tyler quickly hurried off. When he got home, his mom asked him what the hell happened, and he replied with what he told Allison, some guys just pushed him around a little bit. 
  Mommy got an ice pack and wrapped it in a small towel and gave it to Tyler to put on his face. It hurt but it started to feel a little better. He sat down at the kitchen table and saw some papers, divorce papers. He knew this was going to happen, but it was still a shock to him. He also saw some other papers; court papers, financial papers, and his hospital record. They had found traces of semen on him, in him. He dropped the papers and got up and ran to his room. His dad had raped him.  
  Chapter 5 
  He turned on his stereo on full blast; “Fuck Everything” by Suicide Silence was playing.  
  “If you hate the world around you. 
  And it makes you sick what you see. 
  Then follow me. 
  Life is short; I'll make it what it’s worth. 
  With time well spent, time spent so well. 
  So don't run away, just face the new day, 
  Without a single fear in mind. 
  Just take it one day at a time! 
  And...Fuck everything! Everything! 
  Fuck everything! Everything! 
  Welcome to a nightmare, 
  This is the place we all call home. 
  Welcome to a nightmare, 
  This is the place we hate to call home. 
  We fucking hate! Hate hate hate” 
  The Lyrics to “Fuck Everything” meaning, be strong and don’t give a fuck what people think. But it’s hard not to. Everything cares what people think no matter what. In some ways Tyler doesn’t care but in other ways he does. If people knew his secrets they would judge him. Alex (Tyler) would have said, he is gay, a queer, a freak (although they already do sadly). It hurts. To be bullied every day, to be called names, and finding out that he was raped by his own father hurts the most. How could someone possibly do that! I feel so violated… so vulnerable… so-just disgusting, like I deserved it, but I do, but it’s so wrong… Tyler laid there in his bed crying, tears rolling down his cheeks across his nose.  
  He got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He turned on the shower head and got undressed. He got into the shower and sat down, just letting the water run over his shoulders, all over his back. He turned the cold water all the way off and it became scolding hot, but it felt good, it felt like it was cleansing him. It was like needles were piercing his skin, scorching needles. There was a razor in the shower and he tore it apart, taking out the blades, he took one and slid it across his leg, his upper thigh. No one would see it there right?  He thought, so he did it again and it felt good, it felt amazing. He did it again but this time a tiny bit deeper drawing a tiny bit more blood. The blood swirled in the water of the shower, going down the drain.  
  He did it again… and again… and again… he had 27 cuts on his leg by the time he stopped. It felt so good, but it was going to hurt later rubbing against his pants. He didn’t cut that deep just deep enough to draw a few drops of blood. He also had burns on his back from the scorching hot water striking his back, and it burned. He turned the cold water on and turned the shower head so it was dripping out softly. It felt even better, he let the water drip on his cuts and the chill is wonderful, but it’s not like the burn of cutting.  
  He got out of the shower and hurried to his room with the towel around his waist. He looked at himself in the mirror and though of how disgusting he looked. He looked at his cuts on his legs, they looked beautiful, the way the red showed and how clean they were. But by tomorrow they would look gross and will have brown crusted old dried blood on them and they will sting because his rough jeans will rub against them an pull off the scabs. He didn’t care though, he wanted the pain, he thought he deserved the pain.  
  He went down stairs to see what Mommy was cooking. Fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, Tyler’s favorite. Mommy felt bad about today, about Tyler getting beat up at school and him seeing the papers, but she didn’t know that he saw his medical report. She wanted to cheer him up a bit so she made him his favorite supper and bought him something, a guitar. He loved to play the guitar and he was amazingly good at it too, but Daddy had smashed it just before they left because he was tired of the noise that it made and was tired of Tyler playing it all the time.  
  It was a beauty, and it really did cheer him up for quite a while, she bought him a brand new amp, a really expensive nice on at that, and a new pedal. It was black with red that looked like blood dripping from it. He loved it, after supper he went right to his room to set up is brand new amp and start playing his guitar. It was like he never even stopped playing. He was brilliant; he could listen to a song once and play it on the guitar. He wrote songs too. He had them playing in his head all the time.   
  Playing his guitar and drawing made him take his mind off of things for a while. The rush of the music of the guitar got his adrenaline pumping and he started screaming along with a song. He hadn’t sung or scream for a very long time but it’s like he got better by not doing it.  
  Chapter 6 
  That night Tyler went to bed feeling happy, but not actually happy, it’s just when your brain thinks you are, but you really aren’t. He had a good night’s sleep though. When he woke up he could spell waffles and bacon and fresh warm syrup. Mommy had made him and herself breakfast, but time was running out so he had to hurry and eat. He wasn’t “hungry” so he only had a few bites. 
  “why aren’t you eating much Tyler?” asked Mommy. “are you not hungry?” 
  “Not really. And I’m going to be late for the bus so I got to go mom, I love you bye, see you after school.” Tyler kissed his mom on the cheek and left for the bus. He got there just in time. But there she was. She only lived three doors down from him, great. Just great. She walked onto the bus and a few seconds later so did he, she had already sat down and no one would let him sit next to them and there were no empty seats left. 
  “here, sit by me.” Suggested Allison. Tyler sat down next to her. She told him that she only lived three doors down from him, her and her parents would have stopped by to say welcome to the neighborhood but they were out of town and they’ve been really busy ever since.  
  Tyler saw a bruise on her arm, a fresh one, not from just bumping it on something, no he’s had those same exact ones. Her parents beat her.  
  “what happened to your arm…?” Tyler asked her cautiously. 
  “oh, uhhh, nothing.” she replied quickly. 
  “I’ve had ones similar, and don’t say you just bumped your arm in the doorway. There is one on the other arm isn’t there?” Tyler became very fond of her, like he needed to protect her from any danger, like she needed him.  
  “My dad got rough with me last night, so what? We were just messing around.” Allison lied, and when she said that last sentence her voice broke, like she knew she shouldn’t have lied to him. She felt she could trust him with anything, but she didn’t want to tell him just yet.  
  They arrived at the school, finally, the bus was a little late and Allison and Tyler had to hurry to first period, biology. They were studying genetics. About how the cells combine to make babies after having sex. All the other boys and girls started laughing whenever the teacher said “sex”, Tyler and Allison thought it was really annoying.  
  “oh my god, why does everyone have to be so immature its just a stupid word.” Whispered Allison quietly into Tyler’s ear.  
  “right? There really isn’t anything funny about the word. But the jokes are pretty good, you got to admit.” Said tyler. 
  “yeah, haha I guess they are.” Allison said as she giggled at Tyler. Tyler smiled, not just a fake “ya I’m fine” smile but a real smile. He liked allison’s laugh , it was adorable and a little load and the teacher heard, but he still loved it.  
  “ahem, would you two like to share with the class what you were whispering about?” asked the teacher. 
  “nothing Mrs. Gull.” Allison said sarcastically. 
  “alright then, may we get back to class Ms. Allison?” the teacher asked in a rude tone. 
  “yeah, whatever.” Replied Allison with an attitude.  
  “meow!” tyler said to Allison teasing her. 
  “oh shush up!” she said, smiling.  
  The bell rang and everyone gathered there stuff and walked out of class hurriedly, Allison and tyler took their time gathering there stuff and talking. Allison dropped her book and they both bent down to grab it. Somehow their hands entangled landing on the book, tyler pulled his hand away quickly and said, “uh, I got to go to the bathroom, see you in a few.” And sped out of the classroom like a 5 year old after drinking a Monster Energy Drink.  
  Tyler went into the bathroom and waited until there was no one there, the bell rang, he was going to be late for second period. Shit, shit, shit! What have I done? I grabbed her fucking hand. God I’m so fucking stupid!!! She blushed though… I saw her flawless cheeks flush a bright red, and she smiled at me… god why am I so fucked up! he grabbed his razor out of his pocket and took it to his arm. He slowly slid the cool metal across his forearm, slicing it open. This time a few drops of blood came out, more than the last ones. He had cut deeper, but still not enough… it felt so good, the cold metal, the warm blood. He was still angry so he put the razor back up against his arm, but below the one he had made only seconds ago and dragged it across. But someone was opening the door so he put away the razor and pulled down his sleeve.  
  “oh look who it is, the little emo boy from yesterday in the hall. Ready for another beat down fag?” said one of the guys.  
  Tyler pulled his blade on them and told them to get out of his fucking way. They backed off right away. 
  “woah dude, put it away we weren’t trying to do anything, we just wanted to have some fun.” One of the guys said. 
  “ you call beating the living shit out of the new kid fun? What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking bastards.” Tyler sure did call them out, for the first time in his life he stood up himself. He felt good, felt strong for once. He walked out of the bathroom with pride.  
   
   
   Text: Brittany Ferguson (me) All rights reserved. Publication Date: February 8th 2013 https://www.bookrix.com/-brittanybenevolence