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Office of The Administrator Secure, Contain, Protect SCP-3969 upon capture Item #: SCP-3969 Object Class: Safe Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3969 is to be housed in a standard humanoid containment chamber at Site-17. No further containment procedures have been deemed necessary at this time.
Description: SCP-3969 is a middle-aged human male of Irish-American descent.
SCP-3969's primary anomalous property appears to render it invulnerable to numerous forms of injury, disease, and aging — although whether SCP-3969 is entirely impervious to these ailments or merely resistant to them remains unclear.
SCP-3969 claims to have acquired its anomalous properties through an extensive thaumaturgic ritual involving "consuming 138 fermented lima beans a day", "bathing in the blood of a blind coyote", and [DATA EXPUNGED]. Investigation of these claims is ongoing.
SCP-3969 first came to the attention of Foundation personnel in Seattle, Washington, following reports of a local derelict falling from the roof of a seven-story apartment building and emerging unscathed. Upon confirmation of its anomalous abilities, SCP-3969 was detained and transported to Site-17 for questioning.
A transcript of this interview, conducted by Dr. Phillip Grant, has been attached to this file below.
Addendum 1: First interview Date: 9/16/2008 Objective: Ascertain the source of SCP-3969's anomalous properties.
[BEGIN LOG] SCP-3969: I always knew this would happen.
Dr. Grant: What do you mean?
SCP-3969: Nothing. Just some black-suited government bastards swooping in and putting me in a place like this. So what next, Doc? You wanna probe my esophagus?
Dr. Grant laughs.
Dr. Grant: Well, I can't speak to what they'll do to you— Dr. Grant gestures to the other research staff outside the room.
Dr. Grant: —but I'm just here to ask you some questions. Mainly, how you ended up in your current… ah, predicament?
SCP-3969: You know, I can't say I'm too sure, considering your friend over there gave me enough downers to sedate an elephant for a month.
Dr. Grant: I was referring to your invulnerability.
Silence.
SCP-3969: I sold my soul to Satan.
Dr. Grant: Sarcasm doesn't help either of us.
SCP-3969: Sarcasm? Sarcasm? I'll show you sarcasm, you condescending sack of shit— SCP-3969 violently gestures to Dr. Grant, before appearing to notice the presence of two security guards outside of the conference room.
SCP-3969: Tch. Like I'd show some disgruntled laymen my legumes.
Dr. Grant: Your… what?
[END LOG] Addendum 2: Second interview Three days after its first interview, after previously remaining uncooperative, SCP-3969 requested to speak with Dr. Grant in an apparent desire to "negotiate". The following meeting was arranged shortly thereafter, and is transcribed verbatim.
Date: 9/21/2008 [BEGIN LOG] Dr. Grant: I understand you wish to cooperate.
SCP-3969: You really wanna know my secret?
Dr. Grant chuckles.
Dr. Grant: If that's how you'd like to put it.
SCP-3969: Then fine. But I have some conditions.
Dr. Grant: Which would be?
SCP-3969: Getting to see the sun for more than five minutes a day would be nice.
Dr. Grant sighs.
Dr. Grant: If you are unsatisfied with the accommodations you've been provided, I will put in a request with— SCP-3969: You call a lightless metal cell "accommodations"?
Silence.
Dr. Grant: I'll see what I can do.
SCP-3969: Good. Now for my end. Got a pen?
[FOUR HOURS OF EXTRANEOUS DIALOGUE REMOVED] SCP-3969: Three hundred and twenty-seven of them, to be exact. And it has to be in one sitting.
Dr. Grant: Is that before or after the radish stems?
SCP-3969: It doesn't matter, as long as you soaked it in lamb's blood for exactly 6 hours. But make sure not to boil them for too long, or you'll have to start from scratch.
Dr. Grant appears to write something down.
Dr. Grant: Is that everything?
SCP-3969: Yup.
Dr. Grant: And this won't carry any… unanticipated side affects?
SCP-3969: Besides getting beaten up and abducted? No. Not that I know of.
Dr. Grant stands up, and folds the papers in front of him.
Dr. Grant: Thank you, SCP-3969. Your cooperation has been duly noted.
Expect changes in the weeks to come.
[END LOG] Excellent work, Dr. Grant. Please submit yourself to your nearest human resources office for voluntary amnesticization. We'll take it from here. —[DATA EXPUNGED] Addendum 3: [DATA EXPUNGED] ACCESS ADDENDUM [BEGIN LOG] O5-12: Glad to be done with this mess.
O5-7: Yeah, seven barrels of carp? Ridiculous.
O5-9: The supplements should stop the worst of it — cyanide poisoning and such. Now we just have to wait.
O5-4: YOU'RE ALL ANIMALS.
O5-2: Oh, please. You would've done the same if it weren't for that damn android body.
O5-4: WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO GOUGE THE EYES OUT BEFORE YOU CURDLED ITS LIVER?
O5-2: We can't afford to cut any corners here. I don't want to muck this up and turn my bones to copper.
O5-4: WHATEVER.
O5-13: How long will this take, anyway?
O5-1: I think it was… let me see.
The sound of shuffling papers can be heard.
O5-1: Around three hours? Thaumaturgy has never been a very exact science. Or, well — a science.
O5-9: Actually, I think I can feel it kicking in right now.
A loud groaning noise can be heard.
O5-12: What was that?
O5-6 enters the room, appearing noticeably older than moments earlier.
O5-12: Christ! What the hell happened to you, Jason?
O5-6: (Hoarse) I… I… I— O5-6 bursts into dust.
O5-9: Oh no.
Sounds of falling debris, wounds fissuring, and screams can be heard for the next fifteen minutes, followed by silence.
O5-4: GUYS?
Silence. A phone is dialing.
O5-4: BERTRAND?
Unknown Voice: Yes?
O5-4: I THINK WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM.
[END LOG] Following this incident, Site-17 staff attempted to consult SCP-3969 — but upon entering its containment chamber, were greeted only with a single word crudely etched into a nearby wall: SUCKERS.
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