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MILTON "What is a bureaucratohazard?" Well, every time I so much as utter that word- Milton rolls up his sleeve, revealing a series of red marks just below his shoulder.
MILTON (CONT'D) Yeah.
Let's just cut this off here, unless you want me to hook you up with some Class- Something amnestics too.
Off-camera, somebody forcefully opens the door.
VOICE Where the [bleep] is my stapler, Luke?
MILTON Aaand that would be my… desk-mate.
(beat) Never a dull moment at Site-67.
INT. THE MAIN OFFICE The camera sweeps around the office, keeping in time with the upbeat folk-rock theme song that momentarily dominates the soundscape. We see Luke Milton at his desk, logging something on his computer. DAVE POOTS, his desk-mate, is aggressively applying Wite-Out to a filing card. He gives an awkward glare into the camera when he notices it has focused on him.
JANE BURTON, the receptionist, is answering a phone with one hand and playing with a Newton's Cradle with the other.
In the warehouse, MANDY SINGH is rifling through a locker of mundane-looking objects.
She is startled by the camera, knocking a wooden owl ornament from the shelf. Deep red blood begins to pool around it on the floor, as Mandy shoos the camera out of the room.
In the office proper, Dave stands on a round stool to amend a sign: DAYS SINCE LAST BREACH — Inside his personal office, SCOTT SULLY is asleep at his desk surrounded by toys and cheap trinkets.
The camera pans upwards, and comes to rest on a wall emblazoned with a large Foundation insignia. The music fades away.
INT. SULLY'S OFFICE - MORNING Sully is sitting in interview position, with a soft focus on him that blurs the Foundation logo on the wall.
SULLY Scott Sully. Site Director (of Records).
He holds up a small plush of Monsters, Inc. protagonist James P. Sullivan.
SULLY (CONT'D) Sully. Heh.
Y'know, I've given myself my own esoteric classification. Object Class? World's Best Boss.
(beat) Kidding. That was a joke.
We take Foundation policy very seriously in this office.
INT. MAIN OFFICE Dave pounds on Milton's desk.
DAVE Where did you put it, Luke?
MILTON Dave.
It's a stapler.
DAVE False. It is my personal property and if you do not disclose its location I shall be filing a report with our superiors.
MILTON Wouldn't you… need a stapler for that?
All those pieces of paper… Dave returns to his seat, staring Milton down.
INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION MILTON Jane and I printed off an antimemetic agent and taped it to Dave's favourite stapler.
What that basically means is that it could be right in front of him, and his brain just… wouldn't register it was there.
(beat) What that also means is that Jane and I don't know where we put it, either.
I guess we'll find out in… (checks watch) Two days. Bi-weekly general countermemetic inoculation as per company policy.
INT. SULLY'S OFFICE - INTERVIEW POSITION SULLY Yes, of course I want my employees to be on their best behaviour. Big day today.
Leave the shenanigans to yours truly.
INT. MAIN OFFICE Sully stands near Milton's desk with a fresh-faced intern just behind him.
SULLY May I have your attention please?
MILTON (under breath) Nope.
SULLY Some of you may have forgotten that we are welcoming a new member to our team today. This is Patrick— PATRICK Hey.
SULLY Patrick is… consider him our newborn baby. For he is fresh out of a Virginia.
PATRICK Um, oh-kay?
I used to work for the FBI. Unusual Incidents Unit. I guess that makes me an intern, kinda… SULLY Look at him… Sully uses his fingers to perform a scissor action in front of Patrick's stomach.
SULLY (CONT'D) Still got the ol' Federal umbilical cord dangling there. But that's okay. Because we — all of us — are going to help you cut it.
Mandy shakes her head, and notes something down on a sheet of paper.
Milton steals another glance at the camera, and gets back to logging anomalies on his screen.
INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION MILTON Do I think Scott Sully is funny?
Well, let's put it this way — I think Scott Sully should probably be working somewhere that's… not here.
Why do they still let him work here in the first place? Heh. Of all the weird things I see on this job, all the things that just leave me begging for answers… that's probably the most mysterious question of them all.
I dunno. After twelve years at Site-67 I've come to realize that things here… have a kind of rhythm. They always work themselves out.
INT. SULLY'S OFFICE - INTERVIEW POSITION SULLY I see this workplace like a Babybel. There's me, in the middle - the big cheese - and everyone else is the red wax shell that binds it all together.
05 and Administration, well… they're like the snotty weird kindergartner who likes to eat the wax sometimes. But they don't dare touch that sweet cheddar itself.
INT. THE BREAK ROOM Dave is tinkering with the microwave. Patrick enters the room, takes a seat, and opens his lunchbox. Dave looks at the camera, and then towards Patrick.
DAVE Psst, intern?
PATRICK What's up?
DAVE A personal question, if you don't mind?
PATRICK Hit me.
DAVE At Quantico, in training, do they teach you the art of Sarkicism?
PATRICK I… nope, must have been off sick that day.
DAVE Pity. I can teach you a few things, if you're interested.
Things about the beauty of flesh.
Dave stares intently into the microwave, watching in the reflection as an expression of disgust forms on Patrick's face.
DAVE (CONT'D) Kidding. It's only a Hot Pocket.
INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION JANE The best prank me and Luke ever pulled on Dave?
Hm, it was probably… yeah, I think it was the time we swapped his glasses out for a pair of "novelty" x-ray spectacles. Only they were functional.
He spent a whole day running round convinced that everybody was turning into skeletons. He needed a week or so off work after that one.
(beat) One of those things where you really had to be there.
Jane twists the tips of her hair before returning her gaze to the camera.
INT. SULLY'S OFFICE - INTERVIEW POSITION SULLY If there's one thing we pride ourselves on here at Site-67, it's our inclusivity and undying love for each other. We're a diverse bunch, and if you've got a problem with that then you can suck it.
Take Mandy, for example. Mandy is from Cleveland.
She moved all the way down here just to work for us. See what I mean?
INT. THE MAIN OFFICE Mandy is running through a new batch of anomalous items with Milton, crouching at the side of his desk.
MANDY Okay, but it's not just any steamroller. It fell into a giant butthole and burst out of this old guy's chest.
MILTON Hm.
Neutralized?
MANDY Yeah, I'd say so.
At the other end of the desk, Dave is looking with increasing frustration at his screen.
DAVE Luke.
MILTON Dave.
DAVE The strange people are talking in my computer again.
MILTON (glances at camera with a disturbed expression) Again? You're kidding.
DAVE I do not jest, Researcher Milton. See for yourself.
Dave clumsily turns his screen in Milton's direction, knocking over a stack of papers.
DAVE (CONT'D) Right there.
On the screen is Dave's incredibly outdated email client, with an exchange between several Foundation addresses taking up a secondary window.
| TO: a_bagley, d_poots | FROM: TEN.PiCS.atap|remmah_revlis#TEN.PiCS.atap|remmah_revlis | RE: Site-67 Records Department Can you fax over a hard copy of yesterday's transcript?
- the SILVERHAMMER team | TO: silver_hammer, a_bagley | FROM: TEN.PiCS.76etis|stoop_d#TEN.PiCS.76etis|stoop_d | RE: Site-67 Records Department Who are you people and why did you just send this to me?
| TO: a_bagley, d_poots | FROM: TEN.PiCS.atap|remmah_revlis#TEN.PiCS.atap|remmah_revlis | RE: Site-67 Records Department Oh for crying out loud, I said not to add any of them to the recipients list. How long has he been getting these?
Jane has been watching the situation with great interest. She waves Milton over to the reception desk.
JANE (whispering) Just so we're on the same page here, that's you, right?
MILTON Me? I thought it was you.
JANE Ohmygod.
Both Jane and Milton attempt to stifle their laughter.
DAVE (to Mandy) … nor is this the first time. They say strange things… snarky comments on our behaviour.
MANDY Are you sure that's not just Human Resources?
DAVE It's not like that. It's not like that at all. It's like I'm being watched.
MILTON Wait, okay, even for you this is… paranoid. I mean, Jesus.
INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION DAVE Yes, I was being completely serious. You guys were in there when I showed the logs, right?
You should see some of the other things they're saying. Talking about incidents so specific… it's like we're always being recorded.
(beat) I, Researcher Dave Poots, am going to find out just what's going on here. I am going to find their cameras, their microphones, and expose their nefarious little game for whatever it really is.
INT. SULLY'S OFFICE Sully is facing the wall in his chair, and he spins it around as Patrick enters the room. In Sully's mouth is a rolled-up sticky note, dangling from his lips like a cigarette.
SULLY (mimicking an elderly man) Ahh, Mr. Mulder… Patrick sighs and tries his hardest not to acknowledge the camera.
SULLY (CONT'D) Haha, X-Files. 'Cause of, like, the FBI and- PATRICK No, I… I got it.
SULLY Right.
So, kiddooo, how hath been thire first day, sire?
PATRICK I mean… There's a lot to get used to round here.
SULLY Correctamundo.
Have you been down the warehouse yet? You really should, it's awesome. They have, like, this coffee machine. And if you… anything you… pfft… I typed it in and… (unintelligible) …and then when it all finished coming out, I said… "wow, just like your mother!" It was awesome.
PATRICK Sounds like it.
SULLY I'd take you down there, but they won't let me after that.
Maybe ask Luke? Luke Milton. He's cool, and- Dave is screaming something outside the office.
SULLY (CONT'D) Uh-oh.
INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION PATRICK I was assigned to Site-67 after my stint with the UIU. Headhunted, I should say.
Somebody at the Foundation had read my research into narrative anomalies and thought I'd fit right in… not entirely sure I see where they're coming from, but with a lucrative organisation like the Foundation you gotta take any in-roads they offer you.
They wanted to "shake things up a bit" with the team down here, but I'd say Scott Sully and co. are way ahead of themselves in that department.
INT. THE MAIN OFFICE Half the ceiling tiles in the room have been removed and stacked on the floor. Dave is standing on his desk, poking out the remaining tiles with the end of a broom.
Sully and Patrick burst out of the Director of Records' office, bemused at the scene in front of them.
SULLY Mulder and Sully at your service, what seems to be the… Ah.
DAVE Cameras, Sully. We are under constant surveillance.
MANDY We are not under surveillance, Dave, constant or otherwise.
Take it from me as your HR liaison, this department operates with minimal oversight.
Thanks to our track record— SULLY He's right. Our record when it comes to Records is impeccable.
INT. SULLY'S OFFICE - INTERVIEW POSITION SULLY Where's the lie? These days I only get snide emails from 05, oh, two or three times a week?
Lemme read you the one from last Thursday: "Dear Mr. Sully, From now on we shall be ignoring your frivolous requests for D-class personnel. There are only so many death row prisoners at our disposal. You have your own sanitation detail - please assign them to the tasks they were hired for." Rude. Burrito day only comes monthly, and cleaning those stalls is not a job for an innocent man.
INT. THE MAIN OFFICE Dave is gesticulating wildly at the computer. Sully squints to make out the text amongst the cluttered interface.
DAVE Here are the ones I saved from last week.
| TO: silver_hammer, d_poots | FROM: TEN.PiCS.atap|yelgab_a#TEN.PiCS.atap|yelgab_a | RE: Site-67 Records Department Good lord, this guy makes me want to rip my hair out. Are they really so efficient we can't just, y'know… have him terminated? He crosses just about every line in the doorstopper of an HR book.
| TO: a_bagley, d_poots | FROM: TEN.PiCS.atap|remmah_revlis#TEN.PiCS.atap|remmah_revlis | RE: Site-67 Records Department We've got authorization to drop in a new player. Neither party shall be aware of the nature of SCP-5441. Consider this an exercise in narrative manipulation. The selected subject, however, has a background in the field which should cover for any… complications which may have arisen from the insertion of a less "genre-savvy" participant.
SULLY Come on, you think that's real? Nobody thinks I'm that much of a dick.
INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION DAVE Luke and Jane are children, yes. This, however, goes way beyond the feasible realm of a workplace prank.
Jane stealing my stationery? Luke joining my lunchbreak gaming session under the name "Phthonus" and making me run around all week thinking the whole office had been replaced by lookalike charlatans?
That's all harmless fun.
But this is sinister. Luke and Jane may well be many things, however they are not evil.
INT. THE MAIN OFFICE Sully clears his throat.
SULLY Attention, fellow conspiritators! Listen up.
I've just had 05-something on the line, and they deeply regret to inform you that the monthly general amnestic drive has been rescheduled to this afternoon.
A collective groan spreads throughout the office.
SULLY (CONT'D) Yep, so if there's anything anomalous you might not have been supposed to see, now is your chance to write them down.
(beat) Just make sure you don't remember who told you to do so!
Dave frantically begins typing on his computer.
INT. THE MAIN OFFICE - HALF AN HOUR LATER The amnestic delivery team arrives, clad in tactical gear emblazoned with the symbol of a silver pestle. Jane is checking AGENT BAGLEY in.
AGENT BAGLEY Careful - it's Aaron with a second 'A'.
Sully swaggers over.
SULLY If it isn't the S.W.A.T. — Small Wang Amnestics Team.
Wazzuuuup?
MANDY 'Cause that's not immature at all, Scott.
SULLY Gah, why can't you get a sense of humor?
Amnesticize her out of my head, gentlemen, please… INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION AGENT BAGLEY What the f— Oh, right. I forgot you sorta get randomly whisked into these bits if you so much as set foot in this place.
(beat) "Is it unethical to keep an entire department trapped against their will in an unstable narrato-bureaucratic anomaly?" Well, look at it this way: is it unethical to ruin the efficiency of our Records Department and lose track of six thousand world-threatening anomalous objects? I don't think so.
Don't get me wrong, Scott Sully is an idiot of the highest order. But beneath all the childish shenanigans and potential HR [bleep]shows, this narrative scenario they've worked themselves into through the monotony of office life… things, at the end of the day, get done.
INT. MAIN OFFICE The amnestics drive complete, Bagley and his team pack away their equipment. The employees of the Records Department hold cotton to their arms, stemming the needle marks from the amnestic injection.
INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION DAVE Yeah, I do feel better. Though, to be honest, it's not like I can even remember what I was paranoid about.
Dave glances backwards, looking through the glass into the rest of the office.
DAVE (CONT'D) Who the hell took down all those ceiling tiles?
INT. THE MAIN OFFICE - THE NEXT MORNING Sully walks into the office, car keys in hand. The other employees are gathered around the reception desk.
SULLY Guten Morgen, meine— Aagh, what the [bleep], Dave?
On the desk is a wad of Kleenex, holding what appears to be the mangled corpse of a common frog.
DAVE What? I ran him over in the parking lot and must atone for my sins.
SULLY Nope. Nooope. Get it out of here, Dave.
We are not holding another frog funeral. Not after— DAVE Precisely. Instead, I have performed a thaumaturgic ritual using a series of Sarkic incantations— The frog croaks feebly. Its spilled innards begin to bubble, flesh starting to encase them once again. Its eyes open, and the rejuvenated amphibian suddenly leaps onto the carpet.
Just about everyone screams except for Milton, who sits at his desk and rolls his eyes.
SULLY Calm, everybody! Stay calm! It's just a zombie frog!
The frog hops manically around the room.
SULLY (CONT'D) Just a frog… Crazy Frog! Frog-nitohazard!
(beat) Does anyone have a net?
INT. BREAK ROOM - INTERVIEW POSITION MILTON Yep - another uneventful day here at Site-67.
When all's said and done, I think we deserve to have some fun with the anomalous, y'know? Like… Other branches, they're out there in the field or in the lab. I'm a "Researcher", sure, but most of what I do all day is organize files.
Not that what's in those files isn't, y'know, Earth-shatteringly fascinating— Dave bursts through the door.
DAVE Luke!
MILTON Mr. Poots.
DAVE The crank emails. Stop them.
Milton sighs and looks back into the camera.
MILTON (whispering) Just another day.
INT. THE MAIN OFFICE MILTON Dave. That's from yourself. It's from your own address.
DAVE Perhaps there's some… other Dave Poots? In the Foundation, I mean.
On the screen, Dave has an email window open.
| TO: d_poots | FROM: TEN.PiCS.76etis|stoop_d#TEN.PiCS.76etis|stoop_d | RE: SILVERHAMMER SILVERHAMMER. what does it mean, dave?
ID d85f614034638ab194991ab1f0bfbcbd_1740905653 PASSWORD ea79fd5c814b4cb08b16d4f339c9ce9d_1740905653 Login Item #: SCP-5441 Object Class: Keter Special Containment Procedures: The file describing SCP-5441 has been contained within the digitalized teleplay for SCP-5441-43 ("Season 3 Episode 2 - The Intern").
MTF Theta-15 ("SILVERHAMMER") is to monitor the Site-67 anomaly at all times, placing the office under continuous covert surveillance and creating a new screenplay for each day's events.
Should subjects within SCP-5441 become aware of its anomalous nature, MTF Theta-15 has authorization to enforce the amnesticization of all affected personnel.
Minor suggestions that SCP-5441 may be anomalous are to be downplayed as paranoia or workplace pranks.
Description: SCP-5441 is a narrative anomaly combining 'pataphysical elements with those of a bureaucratic hazard.
First observed within the Foundation's Records Department, SCP-5441 has condensed the office ecosystem at Site-67 into a narrative structure similar to that of a "mockumentary"-style situation comedy. SCP-5441 is perceived as non-anomalous unless observed using audiovisual media, or transcribed in the form of a script or teleplay. It should be noted that in order for this to be effective, any references to the anomalous properties of SCP-5441 must make contextual sense within the narrative of a given "episode".
Subjects affected by SCP-5441 are observed to jump between locations via unknown means in a manner representative of scene changes. Much of the Records Department's productive output is believed to occur during these temporal lapses.
Subjects will often acknowledge or address the presence of a "camera" despite a film crew having never been observed within the premises. In most cases, however, the <YOUR ID> Send Send direct suggestion that a camera crew is present will be disregarded by subjects under the influence of SCP-5441.
Despite the comedic inclinations of this narrative causing Site-67 personnel to display incompetent and/or highly unprofessional behaviour, the productive output of those affected remains exceptional.
MILTON Could be, Dave. Could be.
Milton steals a glance at Jane, and they both turn to the camera with confusion in their eyes.
FADE TO BLACK.
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