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Item #: SCP-4499 Object Class: Euclid Special Containment Procedures: All 19 known instances of SCP-4499 are contained at Ocean Site-7's marine protected area (MPA). Instances are affixed with tracking devices, and are implanted with waterproof shock microchips to deter containment breaches. In preparation for potential future sightings, Foundation webcrawlers are to monitor social media for reports of talking sharks in the Pacific Ocean, and undercover Foundation agents are to be permanently situated at all major fishing and ocean tour hubs. A joint task force between Foundation operatives and members of the Shark Punching Center, designated JTF Sigma-2 ("Adblockers"), has been established to respond to and contain confirmed SCP-4499 appearances.
Description: SCP-4499 refers to an anomalous variation of the Carcharodon carcharias (great white) genus of shark. Instances of SCP-4499 appear identical to their non- anomalous counterparts. Autopsies have revealed the presence of a human-like larynx in subject's throats, hypothesised to be responsible for the anomalies' abilities to produce human vocalisations. Notably, the presence of a standard, immobile basihyal in place of a human tongue should still impede the pronunciation of numerous sounds, particularly velar and alveolar consonants, however listeners universally report clear and concise speech, often describing it as "smooth" and "charismatic". Research into the possibility of cognitohazardous methods of information transfer are ongoing.
Electroencephalography on SCP-4499 instances reveals increased activity in the left frontal lobe, atypical of standard variants, likely responsible for the ability to process and articulate complex phonetics. Despite speech capabilities however, SCP-4499 instances do not respond to conversation prompts, instead engaging in infomercial-style "sales pitches" for various anomalous objects1 directed towards any humans in close proximity.
How SCP-4499 obtains information on these anomalies is currently unknown, and priority status has been assigned to the containment of advertised products not currently in Foundation custody.
The length of an advertisement varies significantly: common sales pitches last anywhere from 30 seconds to 60 minutes, however on █ occasions a monologue was recorded lasting in excess of ██ hours. Post-test interviews reveal that approximately 85% of subjects report a vested interest in buying the advertised product, stating they were "thoroughly convinced" of its necessity by SCP-4499. This is not believed to be the result of any anomalous influence, but instead the highly convincing nature of SCP-4499's advertisements.
Addendum 4499/A.1: Excerpts from sales pitches Advertised product: SCP-3521 - dado's Forced Banana Equivalent Dose Pills SCP-4499: Don't you just hate it when you're trying to smuggle plutonium across the border to start a nuclear war, only for those stick-in-the-mud customs officers to confiscate it and imprison you for life? Well fret no more because dado has the solution for you! Introducing the Forced Banana Equivalent Dose Pills by dado - a mouthful to say, but a stomach-full to ingest! How many kilograms of bananas do you think one pill can generate?
Not three! Not Six! Folks I'm here today to tell you popping just one of these pills will give you nine - MILLION kilograms of bananas! That's more than twice the radiation per hour of the Fukushima reactor! Now for you viewers at home we have a special T.V. offer!2 The first 30 viewers to call the number on your screen will receive not one, but two containers of dado's banana pills for the price of one! Plus, all orders within the next 60 minutes will receive free postage! But hurry - supplies are limited, so call now and we guarantee you'll learn to trust dado!
Advertised product: Dr Wondertainment's Little Mister Series SCP-4499: Have you ever looked at your friends' anomalous object collections and thought "boy, I wish mine was that impressive"? Well fret no more friends, because I'm here today to introduce you to the highly impressive, highly collectible Little Mister Series by Doctor Wondertainment!
Featuring twenty unique, anomalous humanoids you're guaranteed to be the envy of the whole town! Each order includes one random Little Mister, plus a free collectible Little Mister checklist that will automatically tick itself off for each and every Little Mister you get! Find amazing anomalies including: Mr Lie! You won't believe the stuff this guy comes up with!
Mr Mad! We guarantee he'll be the friend you only ever imagined!
Mr Stripes! If Facebook think they have your data ready for sale, they've got another think coming!
As always these products are in limited supply, so be sure to call the number on your screen now, and don't miss out!
Disclaimer: Advertishark and Advertishark party limited are not responsible for the disappearance and/or delivery failure of Mr Lost.
Advertised product: SCP-001 - [REDACTED] SCP-4499: [SENSITIVE INFORMATION EXPUNGED] Note from O5-█: How SCP-4499 obtained this information is currently being treated as an alpha-level containment breach. All involved personnel have been given class-A amnestics.
Addendum 4499/A.2: Unusual documented activity On ██/█/20██, surveillance equipment monitoring SCP-4499's MPA detected audio patterns consistent with speech. Video recording confirms the following conversation occurred exclusively between two SCP-4499 instances, designated SCP-4499-1 and SCP-4499-2.
SCP-4499-1: I dunno, man, I just don't think a statue that kills you when you blink has much of a market.
SCP-4499-2: No no trust me: this thing is cool. I can name 10, 20 anomalous zoos that would kill to have one of these things!
SCP-4499-1: Dude it literally smears faeces everywhere, nobody's paying to see that. Besides, it won't do anything if everyone's watching it.
• • • SCP-4499-2: Shit, you've got a point. What about that chainsaw that turns inanimate objects into ghosts?
SCP-4499-1: I think you've got something there - imagine the aesthetic appeal for goths, or haunted house owners.
SCP-4499-2: Yeah, that's my angle. Here's what I've got so far: [SCP-4499-2 makes a sound resembling a throat clear] SCP-4499-2: Have you ever looked at the bright, colorful world around you and thought "this happy-go-lucky crap is really cramping my vibe"? Then do we have the product for you! Introducing the chain-saw: the number one product for making what you see, what you saw!" SCP-4499-1: Oh that's nice, man. Loving the tongue-in-cheek slogan, really catchy.
SCP-4499-2: Yeah, I think I've got a best seller here. Commission's gonna be through the roof! Definitely gotta see what Steve has to say about this.
[Both SCP-4499 instances depart and the conversation ends.] Concluding Statement: No further conversations have been recorded between any SCP-4499 instances. Foundation attempts to identify the chainsaw in question are ongoing.
Footnotes 1. Refer to addendum 4499/A.1 for a list of SCP-4499 sponsored products.
2. Despite extensive investigation, no record of SCP-4499 having ever been broadcast on live television has been found.
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