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Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5583 is held in a humanoid containment cell at Site-43. It is to be provided with several arcade cabinets acquired from the defunct Costa Mesa, California franchise location of the Pizza Palace restaurant chain.
SCP-5583 is permitted to periodically exit its containment cell under armed guard when not undergoing testing, so long as a specialized sheathe is fitted over its horn.
Description: SCP-5583 is an animatronic figure1 associated with the American restaurant chain Pizza Palace. It measures 1.8 meters in height, and has the appearance of an anthropomorphic unicorn wearing a magenta wig and a pink tutu. A plastic purple star wand covered in glitter is attached to its left palm. Beyond dried grease and mucous stains on its legs, SCP-5583 is in a good state of repair.
SCP-5583 is sapient, and capable of more advanced mobility than its mechanical components should allow. It is able to communicate via a speaker within its mouth using both masculine Scottish and feminine English accents, displaying a marked preference for the former.
SCP-5583 also possesses the following minor anomalous attributes: The ability to process food via a hatch in its mouth. Though SCP-5583 claims it is capable of digestion, internal analysis reveals no digestive system and no traces of previous meals are evident.
The production of clouds of luminescent glitter when the star on its wand strikes solid matter. Frame-by-frame video analysis reveals that the glitter peels off from the wand itself and immediately self-illuminates before disappearing and reappearing on the wand.
The manifestation of wings on its back at will. Said wings are organic, resembling those of Danaus plexippus (the monarch butterfly) at both structural and genetic levels. Due to SCP-5583's weight and the short span of its wings, it is incapable of flight.
The emission of beams of refracted light from the tip of its horn. SCP-5583 is capable of heating matter by concentrating these beams at a specific target, up to and including the point of combustion.
The tutu has so far proven indestructible, and cannot be removed.
Discovery: On 6/3/2019, SCP-5583 became known to the Foundation following an incident occurring at a Pizza Palace restaurant in Costa Mesa, California. A customer inadvertently provoked SCP-5583 as it was performing, resulting in it breaking character and causing a public disturbance before exiting the premises. The incident was reconstructed using footage from security cameras and cellphones recovered from the patrons.
+ Access Video Logs (06/03/2019) [Camera 4: Skippy's Stage] Children are operating arcade cabinets and playing in the aisles. A costumed employee is entertaining them with waving hands and dancing. Families are seated and consuming their meals.
A single stage light activates, illuminating the Sir Leaps-A-Lot animatronic (a humanoid frog) on stage.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: Greetings, fellow knights of the dinner table! It is I, Sir Leaps-A-Lot!
Trumpets sound from off-stage.
• • • • • Sir Leaps-A-Lot: The prince of the hour has arrived! Everybody give a big round of applause to the birthday [inaudible]!
Most patrons are ignoring the animatronic. A child slips on the floor, falls down and begins to cry.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: Great! Love that energy! Now before we get this pizza party started, I've got someone very special for you to meet. Coming to us all the way from Magic Land, the most powerful fairy alive, the one and only, give it up for… SKIPPY THE UNICORN!
Sir Leaps-A-Lot's head rotates to face off-stage. It continues rotating until it is facing backward. Two seated, swaying men laugh loudly, attempt (and fail) to clink their glasses together, and drink. One upsets a full cup of soda on the table; an employee mopping up at the adjacent table sighs, dragging his mop towards the new spill.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: Looks like Skippy is feeling a bit shy. I know! Let's motivate her with a little cheer! Skippy!
The audience is largely silent.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: Louder kids, so she can hear us! SKIPPY!
The audio briefly square-waves on the final word, and several adults place their hands on their ears, grimacing. Children standing by the stage jump up and down, cheering. One attempts to climb up, but is quickly discouraged by an adult.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: One more time, knights! SKKKKIPPPPPPY!
The curtain opens on Skippy's stage, revealing SCP-5583. Its eyes open and it begins to move, jerkily, and speak with a female English accent.
SCP-5583: Why hellooooooo there, brave children and friends! It is I, Skippy!
One of the men whispers in the other's ear; the latter snorts. The first man finishes his drink, and they both stand up.
SCP-5583: [high-pitched titter] So terribly sorry to be late to your most excellent party, boys and girls! Fairy traffic was phenomenal on the rainbow road!
The two men approach the stage, brushing several children aside. Sir Leaps- A-Lot's head rotates back around.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: We're just glad you're here, Skippy! Say, don't you have something to tell these fine folks?
SCP-5583: Oh why yes, Sir Licks-A-Lot!
One male parent laughs, once. Several others turn to stare at him.
SCP-5583: As the guest of honor at this finest of all fine castles, I must sing a song! Behold: the music of my people!
SCP-5583 begins to sing in an off-key falsetto. One of the men snickers, fumbling with his cell phone.
SCP-5583: ♪ On your very special day ♪ First Man: Come on! Do it! Do it!
SCP-5583: ♪ We're so glad you came to play ♪ Second Man: [laughing] I'm trying, I'm trying!
First Man: Ohhh, dude. Tyler's gonna laugh his ass off when we show him!
SCP-5583: ♪ We all share your birthday cheer ♪ The second man extends his phone beneath SCP-5583's tutu and takes a photograph.
SCP-5583: ♪ Birthdays come but once ♪ the FUCK, you sick son of a BITCH!
SCP-5583 is now speaking in a male Scottish accent. It kicks the cell phone across the room and shoves the folds of its tutu between its legs.
SCP-5583: What the fuck is wrong with you, man? You sick fuck!
Everyone in the room has now directed their attention to SCP-5583.
SCP-5583: You… why…! I can't believe this, you sick motherfucker!
SCP-5583 jumps down from the stage, breaking the tiles, and lifts the second man up by his collar.
SCP-5583: You degenerate! After all the lousy songs I sang to you drunk and giddy fucksticks, this is how you repay me? Upskirting?! Do they not have the internet in whatever shithole burg you crawled out from?
SCP-5583 grabs the back of the second man's head and presses their foreheads together. A dark stain spreads down the man's pants.
SCP-5583: Somebody needs to teach you about manners, son, and I have a song that might help.
[Camera 9: Security Room] First Technician: The fuck is buddy in the costume doing? He's gonna get us all shitcanned!
Second Technician: Uh… dude, do we even have any Skippy costumes?
[Camera 4: Skippy's Stage] First Man: Dude… dude… it was just a dare! Calm down!
SCP-5583: Ah… so you're the asshole pulling the strings.
SCP-5583 releases the second man, who drops to the floor and flees. It turns to the first man, who backs away slowly.
SCP-5583: Calm down, he says. Ha! Like hell. Couple of disgusting voyeurs, thought I was a filly! You feeling let down? Huh? HUH?!
SCP-5583 grabs the first man by both shoulders.
SCP-5583: How 'bout I return the favor. How 'bout I go find that phone, and take a picture of my own.
The first man is weeping.
SCP-5583: Deep up your ass!
A slice of pizza smacks wetly into the side of SCP-5583's head. It slides off and falls to the floor. SCP-5583 sighs, and turns its face to look at a small child wearing a paper crown. The child is frowning, and he crosses his arms.
SCP-5583: Thanks for the snack.
Child: Leave my daddy alone, you… poopyhead! Or I'll call mom!
SCP-5583: Don't kids say the darndest things?
SCP-5583 releases the first man, approaches the child and crouches to his eye level.
SCP-5583: So, poopyhead, is it? Very creative. What inspired you? Was it popping out of your momma eight years ago, when she last took a dump?
You little shit?
The customers are now forming a crowd near the stage. A middle-aged woman approaches SCP-5583, pointing at it.
Woman: Hey! You can't talk to my son like that! Who do you think you are?!
SCP-5583: I'm Skippy, Karen, it's in all the ad material. Go harass the cashier, or something.
Woman: How do you know my name?!
Silence.
SCP-5583: Wait, you're actually…?
SCP-5583 begins to laugh.
SCP-5583: My god, the joke became reality! I'd laugh harder, but I hate gross-out humor.
Woman: How dare you. I'll have you fired for this.
SCP-5583: Kiss my ass, you miserable cunt.
The assembled adults gasp, except for an elderly woman who continues to eat at her table. The children appear confused.
SCP-5583: Oh, I'm sorry, did that offend you? Let me rephrase. [SCP-5583 switches to its female English voice] Kiss my ass, you miserable cunt! That sugar-coat it enough for you?
A manager approaches SCP-5583. He taps it on the shoulder.
Manager: Whoever you are, you are so fired. Leave the costume, get your… stuff, and go! Out! OUT!
SCP-5583: [resuming its male Scottish voice] What? No! I can… actually… you know what? Fuck you, Derek.
SCP-5583 pokes the manager in the chest.
SCP-5583: You haven't paid me since day one! And you can't fire me, because I quit! But first, I've got some parting words. Starting with you.
SCP-5583 points at each of the children in turn.
SCP-5583: You little brats ruined this place for everyone! Crying and shouting and screaming all day long. Making your little messes, breaking my favourite game… god, I'd feel so bad for your parents if they weren't such complete ass-hats! Wouldn't blame them if they decided to shove you back where you came from.
SCP-5583 points at each of the adults in turn.
SCP-5583: And don't even get me started on you fuckers. You're somehow even worse! Getting drunk, getting into fist-fights over who gets to ride the helicopter or sneak out back for a smoke… not to mention what those shitwits were up to.
SCP-5583 points at the two men, who are speaking to a security guard near the exit.
SCP-5583: In fact, what genius thought it was a good idea to serve booze at a kiddie restaurant? You revolt me. You revolt me, all of you.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: That was a magnificent song, Skippy! Music to my ears.
SCP-5583: [SCP-5583 points at Sir Leaps-A-Lot] Yes! Thank you! Thank you. At least someone in this dump has a good head on his shoulders. As for you! [SCP-5583 points at the manager] Normally I'd tell you to suck my pizza-stained, snot-stained, out-of-date, actually-nonexistent dick! But knowing you, you'd probably like that.
Manager: W-What?
SCP-5583: I know what you do for recreation on your office computer. All I can say is… you need church, boy. [SCP-5583 leans towards the manager's ear and stage-whispers] And an exorcism.
The manager backs away, his eyes wide and mouth open. SCP-5583 moves toward the exit.
SCP-5583: So long, folks! Oh, by the way: they re-use the food from the trash to save money. Trust me, I've seen it myself.
The elderly woman drops her fork and spits the chewed-up food onto her plate.
SCP-5583: Thanks for thirty years of nothing, everybody! I'm out of here.
[SCP-5583 pulls the tiara from its head and throws it to the crowd] Sweet freedom, here I come!
SCP-5583 slams open the doors and leaves the premises.
[RECORDING ENDS] Addendum: Agents from Mobile Task Force Pi-1 ("City Slickers") responded to the incident and amnesticized all relevant parties. SCP-5583 was found at a local train station and captured after some resistance. An investigation into Pizza Palace revealed that the animatronics at all other locations were non-anomalous, and no further paranormal activity has been reported since the containment of SCP-5583.
The cameras at the Costa Mesa location were installed by an employee acting on his own initiative. When interviewed, he outlined his suspicion that SCP-5583 was in fact alive, which he had expressed fruitlessly to his co-workers. With permission from the manager, he had purchased the cameras and placed them around the building's interior.
Footage from the night before the incident showed SCP-5583 activating after the restaurant closed and interacting with many of the attractions. Only the stage cameras were capable of recording audio.
+ Access Video Logs (06/02/2019) [Camera 1: Main Entrance] The final guests depart, and after one last check the employees follow, locking the doors behind them. SCP-5583's head emerges from the curtain across its stage. It looks left and right several times before drawing the curtain open.
SCP-5583 steps down from the stage, and stretches. It begins talking to itself. SCP-5583 makes its way to the prize counter. It lifts the flap, walks past the prize shelves and begins rummaging through a cardboard box labelled "Lost and Found." SCP-5583 pulls out a red cowboy hat with a plastic yellow star pinned to the crown. It removes its tiara, tossing it dismissively onto the prize counter, then places the cowboy hat on its head and inspects itself in a nearby mirror. It nods approvingly, still talking to itself.
SCP-5583 turns to examine the prizes. It takes a toy gun holster off the shelf, and attaches it with some difficulty to its waist. It takes a wide stance facing the mirror, its free hand hovering over the gun.
SCP-5583 appears to threaten its own reflection for several seconds. It then pulls the gun from its holster and fires two suction darts. They strike the mirror, fail to stick, and fall to the floor.
SCP-5583 nods in satisfaction. It pretends to spit, and mimes blowing on the barrel of the gun. The gun discharges, and a third dart strikes SCP-5583's right eyeball and sticks there.
In visible distress, SCP-5583 drops the gun and collides with the shelf, scattering prizes on the floor. It grabs the dart with both hands, and pulls. The dart, and the eyeball, are removed with an audible pop.
SCP-5583 picks up the gun, places it on the counter, and strikes it repeatedly with its wand. Glitter obscures the camera view. When the image resolves, SCP-5583 has removed the dart from its eye and the hat from its head, has returned the eye to its socket, and is considering the tiara mournfully.
[TRIMMED FOR BREVITY] [Camera 8: Play Area] SCP-5583 is wiping down a playpen with a wet rag. It steps back and inspects its work.
SCP-5583 notices a helium balloon on the ceiling, and pantomimes exasperation. It begins talking to itself as it jumps up, reaching for the balloon with both hands. It misses twice before manifesting its wings and making a third attempt, which also fails. SCP-5583 makes a rude gesture at the balloon, then sniffs the air.
SCP-5583 approaches the ball pit, and looks down. It pantomimes distress; a veneer of what appears to be vomit can be seen on the balls.
SCP-5583 calls for help from off-camera, then waits for it to arrive. It does not.
SCP-5583 leaves the play area, returning five minutes later with a mop and a bucket of water. It sets the bucket down, wets the mop, and begins brushing the balls. It is still talking to itself, clearly becoming frustrated.
SCP-5583 throws the mop down with a clatter and leans over the edge of the pit, as if attempting to gauge its depth.
SCP-5583 slips on a puddle of water from the fallen mop, tumbling face-first into the ball pit. It yelps, flailing helplessly for a few moments before sinking beneath the balls.
Ten seconds later, SCP-5583's free hand emerges from the center of the pit.
It swims to the edge and hauls itself out. It lies on the floor, panting heavily for eight seconds before noticing a large, spreading brown stain on its chest.
Screaming, SCP-5583 frantically wipes at the stain with both of its hands, further soiling itself. It begins to shake, making gagging motions as it staggers to its feet and runs off-camera.
[TRIMMED FOR BREVITY] [Camera 7: Arcade] The camera is positioned over a row of arcade cabinets. SCP-5583 is inspecting each one, shaking a handful of game tokens in its hand. It selects the Donkey Kong cabinet, before noting a sign across the screen reading "Out of Order." It throws both arms up in frustration.
SCP-5583 notices the adjacent cabinet, Sinistar, which appears to be a recent acquisition. It shrugs and inserts two tokens into the new cabinet. The screen flashes and SCP-5583 takes the controls. The game begins.
SCP-5583 plays for fifteen minutes, its posture suggesting it is deeply invested in the game. It becomes visibly excited; a beam of light erupts from its horn, striking the cabinet. The screen sparks and flickers off as the glass cracks.
SCP-5583 stands perfectly still for eleven seconds, then backs away.
SCP-5583 pantomimes panic until it notices the "Out of Order" sign. It looks to the left, then to the right, then removes the sign from the Donkey Kong cabinet and places it on the Sinistar cabinet, covering the crack. It looks to the left and right once more before beginning to whistle and walking out of the frame.
[TRIMMED FOR BREVITY] [Camera 2: Main Stage] The stage is lit, and three animatronics are performing their routine: Sir Leaps-A-Lot, Patty King (an anthropomorphic hamburger) and Sir Berus (a three-headed humanoid dog). SCP-5583 sits down at a table, carrying a rectangular birthday cake and a full box of pizza.
SCP-5583: Sorry for the hassle, they've got so many cakes back there I got decision anxiety. Then I figured hey, cake is cake. There's no bad flavours, excepting coconut.
Patty King: By my calories, Sir Berus, isn't the moon splendid tonight?
SCP-5583: We're indoors.
Sir Berus: Why, now that you mention it, those stars are absolutely stellar!
SCP-5583: That's… implied.
SCP-5583 looks away from the stage. It picks up a metal napkin dispenser and examines its own reflection.
SCP-5583: Were we always this creepy? I'm looking at my own eyes, and I'm shivering.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: Speaking of the moon, I'm reminded of the time I rode a shooting star, took a drink from the Milky Way, and roasted marshmallows on the sun!
SCP-5583: You tell that story every night— Sir Berus: [gasps] You actually did that?!
SCP-5583: —and it never gets less bullshit.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: Just kidding! But there's something real I want to share with all these fine folks tonight. Come on, fellas!
SCP-5583: "Fellas"?
Patty King: Let's take it from the top! A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four!
The animatronics begin playing their instruments. SCP-5583 sets down the dispenser.
SCP-5583: You know what, Pat? You're absolutely right. It's our birthday! And I'm gonna dine like the royalty you are.
SCP-5583 opens the pizza box and tears off a slice, biting into it.
SCP-5583: Spoke too soon. This tastes like… my mouth.
SCP-5583 takes another bite.
SCP-5583: And my mouth tastes like dry felt and old wires.
SCP-5583 finishes the slice.
SCP-5583: And I should probably throw this all away.
SCP-5583 pauses for seven seconds, then tears off a second slice and begins chewing on it. The animatronics begin to sing; there are long pauses between each line, and the music almost immediately desynchronizes.
Sir Berus: ♪ Today is the big day! Today is the big day! So turn that frown right upside down, and join us while we play! ♪ SCP-5583: Was it that obvious? Yeah, lads, I'm… not really in a playing mood.
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: ♪ Don't whine and mope around, just make a happy sound!
♪ SCP-5583: You really wanna do this now? I mean, I know how you guys feel about this place. Sometimes I think you're all brainwashed.
Patty King: ♪ There's nothing you can't do, when the night belongs to you! ♪ SCP-5583: Alright, you've convinced me. How do I put this.
Sir Berus: ♪ There's nothing we won't do, to make your dreams come true! ♪ SCP-5583: Just vamp a bit, would you, I gotta get this off my chest.
The animatronics begin an instrumental solo. Patty King's eyes cross, and remain crossed for the remainder of the performance.
SCP-5583: Remember when we were first starting out? Sitting in some drafty warehouse for god knows how long until they came and dressed us like something out of a furry's DeviantArt account, and put us on stage in front of all those screaming kids? Remember how we made them smile?
Remember… how they made us smile? I'm not smiling anymore. What happened?
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: ♪ Make a wish, 'cuz it's gonna come soon: a comet flying past the moon! ♪ SCP-5583: No, I'm not exaggerating. Have you not been paying attention? I have.
The audio feed cuts out. The animatronics' mouths continue to move.
SCP-5583: It's like the death of a thousand cunts. First they took away my bagpipe, and then they re-branded me. I'm wearing a fucking tutu. That's not me! I hate ballet! And man, there were warning signs right from the start.
They called their pizza place "Pizza Palace." Did they think they were gonna master brand that shit? In the nineties?
The audio feed resumes.
Sir Berus: ♪ It's hard to pick and choose, but you've got nothing to lose! ♪ SCP-5583: Nitpicking? You think so? I just wish things would go back to the way they used to be. Is that so much to ask for?
Patty King: Come on, everybody, don't give up yet! Give it all you got, and the wishing star will hear!
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: Nothing's impossible if you put your mind to it!
SCP-5583: You think so? Dudes, Pizza Palace is going down the toilet, and I don't just mean this location. They're all doing bad. Like, high-risk-of- bankruptcy bad. I saw it all on Derek's computer, among… other things. We'll be out of business by the end of next year, maybe sooner.
Patty King: Yeah! That's the spirit!
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: It's working! I'm really feeling it!
Sir Leaps-A-Lot's lower jaw falls off.
SCP-5583: Right? It shocked me, too. If we're still here when the cash runs dry, do they dumpster us, or sell us off to the spice mines, or what?
Patty King: ♪ I can see it! It's very bright! Come on everybody, let's own tonight! ♪ SCP-5583: I've heard the kids talking about some other pizza place they think is cool, with bears and bunnies and shit. We could change with the times, we've done it before. We've got options. Universal Studios, Disneyland, FurCon… okay, maybe not, but you get the point. I mean, we're still cool, right guys?
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: Wow! I'm… on… a… roll… guys! I'm… on… a… SCP-5583: Guys?
Sir Leaps-A-Lot: …roll!
Sir Berus: Bring… it… on… home… people… one… more… time!
The taped track rewinds, and the animatronics and audio return to their original speed as the song restarts. SCP-5583 watches the performance in silence for several minutes before touching each of the candles on the cake with its horn, lighting them.
SCP-5583: Happy birthday, fellas.
SCP-5583 blows out the candles and cuts a corner off the cake. The animatronics continue to sing as SCP-5583 mechanically masticates the entire cake, slice by slice, staring into space.
[LOG ENDS] SCP-5583 periodically asks after the status of its fellow animatronics. Staff are to advise SCP-5583 that they were relocated to a more successful franchise location upstate.
Footnotes 1. A mechanical puppet.
« SCP-5582 | SCP-5583 | SCP-5584 » ‡ Licensing / Citation Cite this page as: "SCP-5583" by Nickthebrick1 and HarryBlank, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/scp-5583. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
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