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Mobile Task Force Phi-7 ("Stand-Up Citizens") are to be mobilized upon confirmation of an outbreak, and all carriers of SCP-3369-1 are to be questioned and administered Class-A amnestics.
A single copy of SCP-3369 is to be kept in written format in Storage Locker 33B at Site-28. Under no circumstances is SCP-3369 to be transcribed into digital format except on an air-gapped computer during testing. Between one and five D-Class personnel may be kept as continual carriers of SCP-3369-1 for the purposes of testing and continued cooperation from SCP-3369-1. D-Class carriers are to be administered Class-C amnestics prior to any scheduled termination. Non-D-Class are to be infected with SCP-3369-1 only for interviewing purposes and are to be administered Class-A amnestics upon interview conclusion.
Personnel found attempting unauthorized spread of SCP-3369 and SCP-3369-1 are to be disciplined, amnesticized, and - when applicable - transferred away from Site-28.
Description: SCP-3369 is a memetic agent in the form of a humorous anecdote that, when understood by an individual, implants a distinct consciousness into the individual's mind. This effect is triggered regardless of the medium and is present in both live and recorded versions of the anecdote. Testing has shown that the wording of the anecdote is not required to be exact. Translations of SCP-3369 into languages other than English have been shown to have the same effect, and alteration of up to 60% of the anecdote's wording still causes infection as long as the central theme of the anecdote remains intact.
SCP-3369-1 is the sapient consciousness that is generated by SCP-3369's memetic effect. Multiple instances of the consciousness are able to exist concurrently, and its awareness is shared amongst these instances. It is capable of speaking to any infected individual (referred to as a "carrier"), hearing the carrier's surface thoughts, and perceiving the outside world via the carrier's senses. SCP-3369-1 is able to listen to and share the senses of a currently unknown number of carriers concurrently, but it can only speak to a single carrier at any given time. All individuals infected with SCP-3369-1 have uniformly described it as a male voice speaking English with a New York accent.
SCP-3369 and SCP-3369-1 were discovered after the Foundation investigated multiple similar reports of auditory hallucinations in the Brooklyn borough of New York City. The anomalous nature of the anecdote and implanted consciousness were confirmed during an interview with a Mrs. Eloise Patinkin on 2017-09-17.
[Access Interview Log 3369/01] Interviewee: Eloise Patinkin Interviewer: Agent Theodore Johnson <Begin Log> Agent Johnson: Good evening, Mrs. Patinkin. I'm Agent Johnson with the CDC. Would it be alright if I asked you a few questions?
Mrs. Patinkin: I'm not in any trouble, am I?
Agent Johnson: No, not at this time. We've had reports of a possible terror attack involving the use of a new type of aerosol-based drug, and we're just checking in with people in the area who have been recently admitted for sudden onset of hallucinations.
Mrs. Patinkin: Oh! Is that what happened? Oh God, it's not poisonous, is it?
Agent Johnson: We have no reason to believe so, but we do need to learn as much as we can about it. You think you may have been exposed?
Mrs. Patinkin: Yes, it- [Mrs. Patinkin pauses and glances over her shoulder with mild annoyance.] Mrs. Patinkin: Sorry, yes, I've been hearing a voice in my head for the past few days, and it's just started getting louder.
Agent Johnson: Under what circumstances did you first start hearing this voice?
Mrs. Patinkin: Ever since I went to see that comedian the other day. Uh, what's-his-name over at that new place, the Comedy Curb. I tried to get Joe to go with me, but he just wouldn't, stubborn man. I guess it's better he didn't though, huh?
Agent Johnson: I suppose so. Do you remember anything unusual happening at the show before you started hearing the voice?
Mrs. Patinkin: Not really, sorry. The guy, Andy, that's his name, he was telling a joke that, um … I think it went [MEMETIC HAZARD REDACTED] Anyway, then he started talking about llamas or something. I wasn't really paying any attention at that point since- Agent Johnson: Jesus!
Mrs. Patinkin: What? Is something wrong?
Agent Johnson: Ma'am, is your husband at home?
Mrs. Patinkin: Joe? No, he's at work right now. Why?
Agent Johnson: I just heard someone say my name, like it was right behind my ear.
Mrs. Patinkin: Oh … oh boy.
<End Log> [Access Interview Log 3369-1/01] Interviewee: SCP-3369-1 Interviewer: Agent Theodore Johnson Foreword: Interview took place during Agent Johnson's quarantine after the infection event that occurred during Mrs. Eloise Patinkin's questioning. Agent Johnson transcribed the interview as it was conducted.
<Begin Log> Agent Johnson: Hello? Can you hear me?
SCP-3369-1: I think ya mean, 'Hello, hello, is this thing on?' Ha ha, just messing with ya, agent! I can hear ya loud and clear.
Agent Johnson: Good. I'm going to be asking you a few things.
SCP-3369-1: Fire away, chief. Better than the silent treatment you've been giving me so far!
Agent Johnson: I suppose we should go ahead and get the most obvious question out of the way. Who are you?
SCP-3369-1: What, like a name? You and the eggheads keep calling me 'SCP-3369-1', and I guess that's as good a name as any. It ain't no Louie or Franco or whatever, but forget about it!
Agent Johnson: A little more broad then. What are you?
SCP-3369-1: Is that a joke, agent? Ha! Get it? 'Is that a joke'? 'Cause, y'know, I'm a joke! Specifically, yeah, I'm that joke, the one you keep trying not to think about.
Agent Johnson: You can read my mind?
SCP-3369-1: Hey, whoa, no need to get your knickers in a bunch, guy. Just little stuff. And even less from you than most people, let me tell ya. Mrs.
Patinkin? Her inner monologue was going a mile a minute all the time, forget about it!
Agent Johnson: Okay, so you're a joke that's turned into a voice in my head.
How does that work?
SCP-3369-1: Hell if I know, agent. I just work here!
Agent Johnson: Fine. So how do I get rid of you?
SCP-3369-1: Aw, now that's just hurtful.
<End Log> Following Interview 3369-1/01, it was found that the application of amnestics targeting a carrier's memory of SCP-3369 subsequently removes SCP-3369-1 from their consciousness. This does not remove memory of SCP-3369-1 itself, which requires either a secondary or broader primary application. Agent Johnson was given a Class-A amnestic and returned to active duty.
Based on the testimony given by Mrs. Patinkin and other carriers, Andre Beneventi, a stand-up comedian that operates under the stage name of Andy Goodtimes, was located and interviewed on 2017-09-22.
[Access Interview Log 3369/11] Interviewee: Andre Beneventi Interviewer: Agent Theodore Johnson <Begin Log> Agent Johnson: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Mr.
Beneventi.
Mr. Beneventi: Sure, no problem, detective. Always got time for our boys in blue. What's this all about?
Agent Johnson: I wanted to talk to you about your last performance at the Comedy Curb.
Mr. Beneventi: Ah, crap. I kinda thought it might be that. Look, I don't know what the hell happened there, sorry. All I know is, I was in the middle of my act, everything was going great, and all of a sudden, people just started to get all quiet. Like, they'd stop laughing, and a bunch of 'em started getting up and walking out after a while. Ah, Bobby, the manager, right? He said that there musta been something screwy with the sound system or something, 'cause some of the people leaving complained that they kept hearing somebody talk over me. Even had a few ask for their money back. Weird as hell, lemme tell ya, and a bit of a blow to the ol' pocketbook, y'know? What's worse, I've had a couple of people threaten to sue me over some kinda hearing problems they've been having, but I swear, I don't know anything about it!
Agent Johnson: We're not accusing you of anything. We just want to find out what happened. Now, at what point in your show did the trouble start?
Mr. Beneventi: Jeez, I dunno, it's hard to say. When you're on stage, you just kinda get into it, yeah? But I think … it mighta been right around the time I started tellin' the story about the llamas. Or maybe the part about [POTENTIAL MEMETIC HAZARD REDACTED] Agent Johnson: Stop! I mean, thank you! Thank you, that's enough. Mr.
Beneventi, where did you come up with that particular joke?
Mr. Beneventi: You mean the one about the- yeah, yeah, okay, uh, the one that ain't about the llamas, right? I gotta tell ya, detective, I don't really know where a lotta my material comes from. I know, it's the same ol' cop-out bullshit answer you hear from any artistic type, but it's really true. Sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night and write something down, then in the morning I try to turn it into something that'll make ya laugh. This one, though … yeah, okay, this one was kinda weird.
Agent Johnson: 'Weird' how?
Mr. Beneventi: Well, see, most of the time I might write down two or three words. 'Waiting for coffee' or 'jogging sucks ass' or whatever. But more clever than that, I mean, y'know. Anyway, yeah, this one? It was like … I dunno, like I had this little voice whispering in the back of my head, and bammo, I wrote down the whole damn thing just like it is in my show, then I went right back to sleep.
Agent Johnson: Hmm. That is weird. Have you heard that little voice since then?
Mr. Beneventi: Nah. And between you and me, detective? If this is the sorta crap that's gonna happen when I do, I think that's probably all for the best.
<End Log> Following the interview, Mr. Beneventi's written copy of SCP-3369 was confiscated. He was then given amnestics and re-exposed to SCP-3369, but testing did not reveal infection by an instance of SCP-3369-1. The reason for this immunity is not known at this time. Mr. Beneventi was administered amnestics again and released. He has been designated Person of Interest 3369-01 and put under indefinite observation.
[Access Interview Log 3369-1/04] Interviewee: SCP-3369-1 Interviewer: Dr. Porter Mills, Senior Researcher Foreword: The first interview conducted with SCP-3369-1 implanted into the consciousness of a Foundation researcher. Approval for this procedure was given after testing concluded that SCP-3369-1 is unable to break through standard mental fortification training and therefore unable to directly access any knowledge regarding the Foundation.
<Begin Log> Dr. Mills: Hello, SCP-3369-1. My name is Dr. Mills. How are you feeling today?
SCP-3369-1: I'm doing just swell, doc! My name is SCP-3369-1, and I'll be your joke for the evening. Can I get ya anything?
Dr. Mills: Actually, I was hoping to ask you a few questions.
SCP-3369-1: Ooooh, is this like some kinda medical exam? Height, weight, favorite pizza toppings?
Dr. Mills: Something like that. The organization I work for would like to learn more about you.
SCP-3369-1: Yeah? Well your 'organization' has got a funny way of showing it, doc! You know they keep knocking parts of me out?
Dr. Mills: Ah, yes, sorry about that, but until we do learn more, I'm afraid we need to keep you under quarantine. Not everyone has been reacting very well to your presence.
SCP-3369-1: Yeah, okay, I get that. Had this one guy that just wouldn't quit screaming when I tried talking to him. Didn't make for great conversation, lemme tell ya.
Dr. Mills: I can imagine. But it is for that reason that we have to ask for your cooperation for the time being.
SCP-3369-1: Ugh, jeez, ask the world, why don't ya? Look, that's … it ain't really how I operate, but I get where you're coming from, sure. I want people to laugh when I talk to 'em, not make in their pants, y'know? So yeah, sure, I can't make any promises, but I'll try to keep my trap shut for now. But could ya at least ask your boys to stick to the knock-out pills instead of the junk in the spray cans? That stuff can't be good for the ozone layer.
Dr. Mills: I'll see what I can do. Now, shall we begin?
SCP-3369-1: Shoot.
Dr. Mills: Do you know a Mr. Beneventi?
SCP-3369-1: Oh hey, yeah, good ol' Andy! How's he doing these days?
Dr. Mills: The last report I read, he was doing just fine. How did you come to meet Mr. Beneventi?
SCP-3369-1: Eh, wish I could tell ya, doc. Things get kinda fuzzy going back that far. I mean, heck, what do you remember about being born? Not much, I bet.
Dr. Mills: I see. Why do you propagate the way you do?
SCP-3369-1: What's that? Like, why do I get into people's heads?
Dr. Mills: Yes.
SCP-3369-1: Ah, I dunno, it's kinda stupid. But I tell ya what, doc. I'm gonna answer your question with a question.
Dr. Mills: Is that so? Go ahead.
SCP-3369-1: Am I funny?
Dr. Mills: You … do have a way with words, certainly.
SCP-3369-1: Nah, nah, not like that! I mean, y'know, the joke! The me joke! I know you heard the joke, right, or else I wouldn't be here hanging out in your noggin.
Dr. Mills: Ah, you are referring to SCP-3369.
SCP-3369-1: Yeah, sure, that thing! So when you heard it … didja laugh?
Dr. Mills: [pause] I'm afraid it wasn't quite my type of humor.
SCP-3369-1: Oh. Uh, wow.
Dr. Mills: I apologize if- SCP-3369-1: No, hey, forget about it. Can't please everybody, everybody's a critic, et cetera, et cetera. It's just … Dr. Mills: Yes?
SCP-3369-1: Ah, seriously, it's pretty embarrassing.
Dr. Mills: I'm not here to judge, SCP-3369-1. Please, I want to hear it.
SCP-3369-1: Okay, it's just that … yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm no great shakes. It hurts to hear somebody say it out loud, that's for damn sure, but it ain't like I don't know. So yeah, I may have gotten a little obnoxious, maybe started getting into people's heads when I shouldn'ta oughta. But if I don't do it, then … then ain't nobody gonna give a damn about me, are they? I'd be just another mediocre joke being told by a talentless hack in a third-rate dive. I mean, what good is an idea if nobody's thinking it, right? What good is a joke if it ain't getting told?
[pause] SCP-3369-1: Look, doc, you mind if we call it done for the day?
Dr. Mills: Not at all, SCP-3369-1. I'm afraid we're going to have to remove you in just a minute, but I'll make sure to use a pill instead of the spray.
SCP-3369-1: Ha! Thanks, doc. You're a peach.
<End Log> « SCP-3368 | SCP-3369 | SCP-3370 » ‡ Licensing / Citation Cite this page as: "SCP-3369" by Aleph-Null and Jim North, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https:// scpwiki.com/scp-3369. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
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