“This is non-negotiable. I apologize for any inconvenience, but this research was conducted without the permission of the U.S. government, and I will be confiscating it. End of story. If you would like to plead your case, feel free to contact the Department of Defense’s Division of Extra-Universal Affairs, but I’ll warn you, their response time is spotty at best, mainly due to the fact that it doesn’t exist and I made it up just now.”